Tired of Nothing

It's weird that the less I do the more tired I get. All day I've been in a state of blurriness. I guess it could be my sore throat and a coming on of a cold but it's most likely that I haven't been doing anything productive or out.

I wanted to catch up on all my library books so I could finish them soon but even though some of them are very good, my eyes were just closing.

I had a nap during the day which is such an old person thing to do. When I woke up, I still felt fazed out.

Ran out of my homoepathic medicine and the clinic didn't have any more in stock so I have to wait a few days without it. Such a relief that I have a reason not to take it.

Craved chocolate and fresh bread all day. I wonder why I never hear of guys ever craving anything specific. It's usually just females.

Watched my tape of Desperate Housewives again. It was weird to see the actor who played the nanny because I remember when she was on Party of Five as a child. She was Claudia's first real friend, who introduced her to smoking and then turned out to have an abusive stepfather and when Claudia told Charlie (the guy who's on Lost now), he took her out of her home. Don't remember what happened to her in the end. But it's cool in a way to see an actor grow up through different shows. Plus, she played on The Practice.

I ended up calling Veronica on Thursday. She's having the absolutely best time at her new job. I wish she stayed at my job longer.

Yesterday I got to do something fun at work which was great. I got access to some production companies film notes and press releases because I had to write a movie synopsis for one that I had to design a promotion for. Did not feel like work at all. Wish every day was like that. It made me more determined to get into the film/television industry. Will wait till this job ends to figure out my next step.

I read my journal that I kept when I was in America. It brought back so many wonderful memories. It feels like it's been a lifetime ago. I know I never ended up writing about the end of my trip. Maybe I will later. Only to relive the experience.

English Genius

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The Scariest in Life

Can't help but think that this time last week, I was enjoying myself with BG3. Maybe this time next week, I will be doing the same.

Although yesterday after my 'church experience', it became too clear that I could never have a serious relationship with him since he believes in God. I guess I could ignore that bit for now. I think I can ignore most things.

After the church concert last night, April and I almost got hit by a car while we were crossing the road (on green light!). The car swirled around from the corner, not even slowing down and hitting April's bag which totally freaked me out 'cause I thought it hit her side. I automatically (and stupidly) stretched out my arm to push the car back from her and ended up twisting it a bit.

My Dad later asked if I got the car's number plate but I was too shaken up to think of that. All I could think was if April was ok 'cause after I heard the sound of the car hitting April's bag (and I didn't realise it was just the bag), and she stumbled backwards, I thought she was going to fall over and that totally scared me because I would not be able to deal if anything had happened to April.

Last night I saw a girl who used to go to my school and she told us that one of my favourite teacher's son died in an accident while working for the army. Couldn't stop thinking about it because I remember how she used to tell us about being against him working in the army. Her daughter also did ODV with me when I was at uni so it's scary to think of what they must be going through.

Then, the singer from yesterday also said how one of his closest friends died when he was 22. I guess in this sense, religion would be comforting but since I don't believe there's another life after death, it scares me more than anything in life.

The Brainwasher

I should've known that going to a concert at a church was not such a great idea. (Especially since I could've been out bowling with David and his friends which April so kindly reminded me of.)

It was so silly and naive of me to think that just because Ellen (who knows I'm not religious) invited me to see some musician at her church, it didn't mean he was going to be singing Christian songs.

When April and I got there, we sat apart from the rest of the people because we wanted to have a private conversation about things that we usually talk about. However, Ellen decided that it was a great time to get all her church friends to come and make us feel welcome. Everyone was so friendly and nice, I decided not to tell them to go away and let me and April entertain ourselves. Not sure how many times I went through the standard introductory chit-chat. Was very glad I had a job and could flaunt it around.

"Oh, I do graphic design at [company]"
"Wow! Isn't that really hard to get into?"
"Yeah, but you know, I was lucky."

I think April enjoyed saying that she did Law but for some strange reason people didn't look as impressed as others usually did.

"Oh you do Law? Oh my God, graphic design, that's so cool!"

Even though the singer had a nice voice and I liked his tunes, I absolutely couldn't take his lyrics. Other than all the parts about Jesus dying for us, personally, what really angered me was when he said, "People say that innocent people died during the 9/11 attacks. Innocent of what? Maybe murder but were they really innocent? Jesus was truly innocent and it was a real tragedy when he died because he was the only one who was pure."

Excuse me while I go and throw up.

I felt sick listening to what he had to say. He was retelling stories from the Bible as if he was there. And he said that he was there which really made me pity him even more.

Also got agitated when he said that the best way to live was to extreme. That is the absolute worst way to be. It's the extreme people who cause all the problems. There needs to be balance.
Decided that I hate the word 'worship' because to me that implies not thinking for yourself and just following someone else entirely. So stupid.

And he was talking about God as if he was a person who he knew personally. When people personalise ideas and make them human, it just makes it more certain that they are not real.

I felt pity and anger and frustration tied together while I was sitting there watching everyone pay attention to what he was saying.

I feel the world would be a better place without religion. It's like one huge brain-washing cult that took over so much of the population.

The Anti-Social Work Life

There's a new guy at work who catches the same train as me to work. I'm so happy that now I'll have someone to talk to on the way to work.

Little things like that make me so excited now.

Work is too anti-social for my liking. I basically sit in front of my computer for most of my day, and only talk to other people about work.

I really should call Veronica. I keep putting it off. Not sure why.

The Cleaner

Last week I met one of the cleaners at work. I met her in the toilet (which is truly horrible). She thought I was someone else. I thought she just came out of jail.

Last week when I was heating up my lunch in the most disgusting kitchen in a really dirty microwave with the warehouse workers all around me, this cleaner came in and angrily shouted, "No one better make a mess after I cleaned up! Everyone OUT! I said out, OUT!"

I tried to make myself invisible since my lunch was still in the microwave and I just couldn't leave it there. She then came up to me and quietly said, "Don't worry, I don't mean you".

Now, every time I see her, she's so friendly to me and looks happy to see me.

I'm scared.

Very scared.

I'm Not A One-Time Wonder

He called he called he called!

We talked. I said, "Pardon?" more times that I think I have ever before. I'm sure his English will improve eventually.

We're meeting in 2 weeks. I can't this Friday. He can't this Saturday and he said Sunday is his study day.

Like it matters. We're meeting and that's the only thing I care about.

Work tomorrow should be fun :)

Judgement Day

Today would be the first day that would be a good time for David to call. I think that since I'm so anxious for my phone to ring, it will not. That's just a life law. The more you wait for something, the less likely it's going to occur.

Tomorrow I can start counting down how much time there's left for him to call, because by the time this week ends, I can be sure I won't see him again.

I hate my guy-obsessive nature. I should go and call Veronica or something to see how her new job is going. It would be a waste to lose contact with her. But of course, I have to think in my stupid way: what if I make plans to meet her and David calls and there won't be a convenient time for both of us to meet?

Doing this is almost like making him not call.

I spent all day at work thinking about scenarios with him in them to make my day more enjoyable. I won't be able to do that anymore if he doesn't call.

And no, I'm not calling him. I did that last week. It's his turn.

You know, he said that I didn't look South American during daytime. That's like saying that I only look pretty in the dark when he can't really see me. And I'm sure he got put off by the fact that I never had proper relationships.

I think I'll just make myself think the worst so the disappointment doesn't hit so hard. What happened to my non-caring if I see him again? Where did that feeling go?

Miss Uni So Much

I finished my beginner dance class! I'm looking forward to the next level, especially since Andy agreed to come with me. Might make him practise with me so I can impress David.

Oh, what am I even talking about. I might never even see David again. Silly me, getting carried away again.

So don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Can't believe how much I miss uni life. Well, actually I can. I remember I looked forward to going to uni, it was almost like going out 'cause it was so social. I did all the work at home.

Maybe David can call tomorrow and make me feel better?

I wish.

Graffiti

"You asked what was more important to me, you or my life. I told you, 'My life' and you walked away, not knowing that YOU WERE MY LIFE!"

- anonymous, back of a train seat

Mum's Views Change

Mum: how come Claudia was so late yesterday?
me: her boyfriend slept over and she didn't want to wake him up in the morning even though he was supposed to give her a lift.
Mum: Claudia has a boyfriend?!
me: yeah, for over 6 months now
Mum: really?! So it's just you and April left without boyfriends.
me: and Amelia
Mum: it's your and April's turn to get boyfriends now.
me: yeah
Mum: is Claudia's boyfriend Asian?
me: no
Mum: it's funny how Claudia and Christine both have white boyfriends. Maybe you and April will have dark ones.
me: what do you mean by dark?
Mum: Asian
me: what about dark from other countries?
Mum: like?
me: what country do you want?
Mum: Actually your boyfriend should be dark
[because my ethnic background has predominatly dark people, even though we have caucasian shaped features, but you would never think I had that background because I'm fair]
me: and what if he was Asian?
Mum: oh, I don't care anymore. As long as you're happy.

I was so surprised by her saying that 'cause I know she wants me to marry someone from the same background as me. She really changed. Probably because she thnks I'm a lost cause and she'd be happy if I had anyone.

Sharing - Betrayal?

Last night, April called me after she got back home. We talked till 1am about Saturday. I was wondering if I was betraying David by telling everything to April. I tried to excuse this by saying that it's not like he's my boyfriend or that I told everyone about it, just her. And some to my brother, but not all. The two people I tell everything to. I made myself feel better by thinking that I wouldn't mind if he told his closest friend/sister everything about me.

Even though it seems like I wrote everything about him here, I haven't written the personal things he told me. So it's not that bad, right?

I don't think I can totally convince myself of this. Yet I find it so hard to keep all my thoughts to myself. I felt such relief after sharing with April. It would be cool if my boyfriend was my best friend so I'd just discuss everything with him and won't have to the need to tell others.

Is there someone in your life that you tell everything to?

David: The Good And The Bad

April and Claudia left. Only got to tell April bits of what happened yesterday while Claudia was in the toilet or in the kitchen. I wonder if she heard anything. Didn't get to tell April about anything bad so she must think it went perfectly.

Every time I think of yesterday, I either remember the bad things about him and get instantly put off or the good things and get a crush on him. And I can never remember the good and the bad at the same time. There were a couple of times when I forgot what I didn't like about him.

Will write a list.

Bad
- used to smoke
- believes in God
- thinks speeding is fun
- got drunk
- used to not care about studying
- used to be close minded
- does not want to settle down
- likes danger
- too patriotic

Good
- likes dancing
- has the exact same music taste as me
- deep
- smart
- gets along with his sister
- knows when I'm joking
- has a sense of humour
- has close friends
- open
- gives me butterflies in my stomach when he's close
- older
- studies hard
- confident
- admits to being a show-off (self-awareness of bad characteristics erases them)
- social
- talkative but a good listener
- attentive
- enthusiastic
- likes adventure and travel
- friendly

So the good things outnumber the bad but some of the bad are pretty bad in my mind. I think it might be impossible to find guys who don't believe in God and don't have any faith. And that's something so important to me. Religion always ruins everything.

And the major point for one of the categories is either:
The Bad: He doesn't like me
The Good: He likes me

For now though, if he likes me, I don't care about the bad things. He would definitely do for a first boyfriend or even just a good friend. Someone to hang out with.

More Afterthoughts

I went to sleep at 10 o'clock last night which is so way too early for me but I was tired. Then today, I woke up before it got light, must've been about 5am, if not earlier. I can't believe I'm awake so early.

Today, April and Claudia are coming over so it's going to be a nice and relaxing fun day. I called April last night to tell her about my day but she was out and when she got back, I was already asleep so I'll have to wait even longer to tell her about David, since I can't say all the details in front of Claudia. And April and I are still not totally over Claudia not telling us she was going out with her boyfriend for over 6 months. I mean, we're supposed to be her closest friends. So I'm not in a completely sharing mood with her at the moment.

Fortunately I got to tell Andy about yesterday so that was cool. He thinks every guy I tell him about is great. And he always wanted to go to South America but the friend he was going with changed his mind so he thinks he can go with David. I told him it's not happening 'cause David isn't planning on going back there. I told Andy he took me to his favourite place and Andy said, "That was quick!" but I thought, it's not like it's his secret favourite place. If it's his favourite, why not go there? If anything works out with him, it might be my favourite place too.

Really hope I get to see him again. The good thing about knowing there's no real future with him is that there're less expectations. Like, it really doesn't bother me that he thinks marriage is committing suicide because I would never marry him. Although honestly I didn't really believe him when he said it. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself because his friends back home were getting married and settling down. It's normal there to get married in early 20s, like in POB. And you know what, I didn't even bring up that topic in the first place.

It's weird that yesterday, I didn't really think I'd even be thinking about him that much, but now I can't help it.

Afterthoughts

Did I ever say that I love when guys have laughter in their eyes? It makes them 10 times more attractive.

David had laughing eyes.

Oh and I found out he's 22, almost 23. His birthday is one day less than 2 months after mine.

And he said he respected me for feeling strong about not drinking for the sake of it or smoking. No one ever said they respected me for that.

When we were together, I never really felt it was surreal, like my 'date' with Andrew. It felt really normal and wasn't awkward at all, like I expected. I did not have a goofy grin on my face like last time. I think I was more natural. When he was driving me back to the station and I was quiet, he asked me a few times if I was ok. I guess the silence wasn't that comfortable for him. I was fine, just listening to his music and watching the sun set all around me.

The more I think about today, the more I want for this not to be a one-time thing, like last time.

David's and My Day Out

I spent almost 6 hours talking to David today.

We didn't watch movies or do anything specific to entertain us. We just talked. He's not exactly RG but I liked talking with him. He has the exact same music taste as me. We were singing along to the radio in his car.

He definitely doesn't feel like a stranger anymore. What impressed me was how much he knew. He's well read and very active (hopefully he didn't get put off by my unsporty self). Wasn't too impressed though that he used to smoke and likes to speed. The latter definitely put me off. But I guess it can't hurt to have him as a friend.

There was one embarrassing moment though.

D: do you have a boyfriend?
me (trying to lighten the atmosphere for myself): no, do you have a boyfriend?
D(smiling): boy friend or boyfriend?
me: same as you asked me
D: no
me: do you have a girlfriend?
D: I had one.
me: so you don't anymore?
D: we broke up 2 months ago
[He then went on about how it's harder for guys to get over girls than the other way around so I shared my general wisdom on relationships without relating anything to myself, for which he was definitely waiting for.]
D: So you never had a boyfriend?
me (in my head): oh no, ****, ****. This question isn't supposed to come so soon. No no no!
me: nothing seri... important, really
D: why not?
me: I'm too picky
[I then went on about there being no point in going out with someone I didn't like]
me: and I went to an all girls' school
D: that's no excuse!
me: ok, I'm just very picky

Fortunately that was a good enough reason for him.

He asked me if I wanted to go bowling, skating, clubbing with him and his friends. Of course I said yes yes yes. (Although I remembered that I can't go bowling 'cause I promised to go to some concert with Ellen next Friday). April could benefit from everyone going out together.

And he apparently took salsa lessons and got to the Intermediate level so he said he'll take me to a Spanish club which would be just so totally cool since my friends are not interested. He said the company where he took the lessons, asked him to join them. He must be good.

So maybe he's not really my type but he sure would be fun to hang out with.

After we hung around in the city for a short while, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. At first, I thought, is this guy safe to go with and decided he was. He took me to his favourite place. It was a park near the ocean and was really beautiful. We walked around on the uneven rocks and watched fishermen and families enjoying the beautiful weather. We spent most of our time there. We talked about things that you would usually talk with close friends but he was very open so it was easy to discuss things like relationships, friends, families and just life.

He gave a me a lift back to the station which was nice, although when I offered for him to drop me off at a more convenient place for him, he said he was dropping me off at the next traffic light. So he could definitely make me smile. Maybe he could make me laugh later. I made him laugh a few times which was very satisfying. One of them was when I did my impression of the only Stars Wars moment I knew "I am your father". I didn't even expect it to come out as it did.
When he said he'll call me, I got worried 'cause that line is like a death sentence. But we'll see. Maybe for once, something can work out for me.

Ooooh ahhhh

Ooooh ahhhh,
I lost my bra.
I left it in my boyfriend's car.

Gotta love such original lyrics! Such rhyme!

Job Contract

I talked to my manager today about the length of my contract and he said I have this job for at least another month. I said the longer the better and he seemed glad.

I'm actually glad there's an end on the horizon because I don't want to stay at this job forever. Just want more experience.

Maybe I can think about film school afterwards...

Not Caring

Oh my God. When I saw the pop-up message saying I had 2 new emails, for some reason, I thought, "One's from Max" and I haven't been thinking that every time I got new email. And guess what? It was. How weird.

Not really, I guess, since he did say he was coming back (from wherever he was) at the end of April.

The email was so typically his style:

Hi
thought I'd say hi
;)

I'll probably reply just for the sake of it. Not going to go crazy over him or anything. I have David for that right now. And he can't even speak English as well as Max. But at least he has some ambition and obviously isn't afraid of hard work. Or even asking me to meet him. Max still hasn't asked and he had 5 years to do that.

I wonder how David's going to pass his exams with such bad English... I hope he doesn't fail because he's meeting me and won't be able to study during that time. Although he did say he had the whole long weekend to prepare.

At least, I have something interesting to look forward to this weekend. Must get in that set of mind where I don't care about impressing him because that's when I'm at my best.

I'm So Brave

I did it.

We're meeting this weekend.

He seemed surprised to hear from me, but surprised in a good way because when I asked if he wanted to meet in a few weeks, after his exams were over, he quickly said that this weekend was fine.

He said he's been studying a lot. I see that as a sign that's he's not some creepy drug addict. So that's always something positive to think about.

Have a feeling it's going to be awkward. But must stop thinking like that because the only thing that's going to make it awkward for me is what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling at that time.

A sure confidence boost would be to talk to my friends beforehand. That's definitely going to be possible because I'll be seeing Amelia on Friday and she always makes me feel good. And I'm going out with my uni friends that night as well. So I should be nice and relaxed by Saturday morning.

Unnecessary Nerves

I haven't felt knots in my stomach since one of the last times I did public speaking, and I really didn't expect to experience the same feeling again.

But now, every time I think, "I'm going to call David now", I seriously feel like all the nerve endings in my stomach received an electric shock. I don't even like him at all. And I'm sure he's going to be happy to hear from me since he gave me his number. Then, why do I freaking feel like this? Like I care what he thinks. Stupid nerves. They always get in the way of normal life.

Sure, I can take the easy way out and just email him back, but I don't want to do that because it's going to make organising to meet up more difficult than it has to be.

Ok, I'll call him.

In 10 minutes.

Waiting

Good things come to those who wait.

Well, some good things, anyway.

After 6 dance lessons of having to intermittently dance by myself because there were not enough guys to go around, today guys outnumbered girls! I had two guys standing in front of me at one point because neither wanted to dance by himself. Now they know what the girls felt like. Fortunately for them, we were only one girl short. It's funny how girls have no problem dancing by themselves but not one single guy would. The leftover guy would just wait near the wall until it was his turn.

We get to do really intricate things now that look really cool. It's the best fun.

I wonder if David knows salsa... Am I generalising when I think most South Americans know it?

God, I don't know even know him, but I've come up with a nice picture of what he's like. Most likely I'm in for a shock. Still haven't replied to his email but that's because I decided to call him tomorrow night. If I were him, I'd be wondering what I said wrong and expecting for him to change his mind about meeting up. If he's like that, he'll be getting a nice surprise tomorrow. If he's more easy-going than me about such things, I only have more respect for him.

A Day Just To Think

Today was a wonderful day of absolutely nothing. I wish it wasn't over.

It's so nice just to be able to sleep in and read and catch up on some people's blogs and just nothing much.

Went to the homoepath in the morning, but she just gave me more stuff. I'm so sick of constantly taking medicine. I don't even remember what it was like not to have to take anything. Stupid gallbladder. It ruined everything. Anyway, I've been doing well not dwelling about it but today I just started to reflect on my annoying condition and some self-pity set in. Must remember things could be worse. A lot worse. It's not like I'm in pain. Just itchy. Not like it's life-threatening or anything. Just a nuisance.

Maybe I'll just think of how interesting it would be to have a South American boyfriend. Or friend. God, I'm so easy for guys to chat up. It's kinda funny actually to think of myself as 'easy'. Or the type that chats up strange guys. Although, they were the ones who started talking to me first. It's weird remembering how before I wouldn't dream of encouraging strange guys to talk to me.

You know, the 'guys on public transport' thing started in high school. There were numerous guys who tried talking to me when I was catching the train home. Will never forget the surfie guy who sat next to me and said, "Do you want to see something really cool?" and even though I ignored him, he took out his water bottle wrapped in a towel and said, "Even in this hot weather, my water stays cold". And I just raised my eyebrows, gave my friend (sitting opposite me) a look and wished the weirdo would leave.

Or this other time when some guy (from another school) started talking to me and then when I got off at my train station, he got off just to ask if he could have my number and I said "No".

There was another time in the later years of high school when Allison and I were sitting near the water one night talking and some guy sat next to me and said, "How are you?" and I just gave him a death stare, stood up and got Allison to move somewhere else with me.

I was suspicious of every guy. I don't know why.

But even though I acted like the ice queen, I was secretly pleased to have all this attention.

I wonder why I was like that. Maybe my parents telling me that I shouldn't talk to strangers when I was little got too deeply ingrained or something.

And right now, I'm the total opposite. If a guy doesn't seem too sleazy, I'd talk to him. I just realised that thinking every strange guy is a potential murderer or some other dangerous psycho isn't very realistic or helpful. I mean, you never know what a wonderful person you might meet if you give them a chance. That's my new way of thinking. This doesn't mean I'm naive to do something stupid. I just decided to be more open and not think the worst of people before I get to know them.

Please please please David doesn't smoke or get drunk or is religious or dangerous. Everything else I can deal with. If he's religious, I could always just keep him as a friend.

Anyway, I bet nothing good will happen anyway so I won't have to worry about these things.

Coincidence?

I realised something today in the morning. I met BG3 on the same day of the week as I met BG1. It's the day that's supposed to be a lucky one for Aries. Not that I believe in that rubbish but coincidences are fascinating to me.

The End of This Blog

I wonder if there'll be a day when I just don't want to continue writing in my blog. There were so many blogs that I loved reading that just ended.

Right now, I don't see it happening any time soon. I guess I would not be able to finish this blog until I fulfil the title of my blog and find what I'm searching for. If I stop before that happens, it'd be like stopping a book before the ending.

Sometimes I think of my blog as a book of my life.

Maybe when I find that contentment and fulfilment but would still want to blog, I might start a new blog and call it "Life: Found". Hmm...

There I am getting ahead of myself, again.

Please Not A Date

So BG3 emailed again. His English is so bad I'm almost getting put off him. Looking on the bright side, at least he won't notice my bad grammar. And I always think so fast, my mouth can't catch up so I end up talking a lot of nonesense. Oh well, he probably wouldn't understand even if I did speak properly.

I was talking to April earlier today and she said she'd be angry if a guy didn't speak English properly and I thought that was kinda mean. But now I see the complications. Are 3 years enough to learn a language? I'm pretty sure I learnt it faster but it is easier for kids to learn these things.

He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him next weekend for coffee. Really hope it's not going to feel like a date 'cause that would ruin everything. Wish he could just meet me at uni next week (since I have to go anyway) but unfortunately he's working that day. It would've been more casual which would've been much better.

It's so ridiculous; if I was meeting a girl friend, it would feel just as casual as meeting at uni. I was actually thinking of meeting Veronica next weekend, but right now guys come first.

I need to stop behaving like such a teenager. I'm an adult, for God's sake, why can't I act like one?

Good News

April isn't moving, April isn't moving! I feel like singing.

Must Not Get Carried Away

David emailed.

No big deal.

Really wish certain people would stop reading my blog.

Incoherent Ramble About Nice People

fWhen I was 14, my aunt Naomi came from POB to visit us (and Australia). This was when she was a little older than I am now and before she was married and had kids. When she would get all the heads turning as she walked because she looked absolutely stunning (unlike now, after getting married and having kids and growing up).

When she stayed with us, she'd act like an older sister to me. She'd give me advice about what kind of guy to marry in the future (funnily enough, she didn't take that very same advice when she married her husband) and I would generally look up to her.

One day as she was ironing and I was hanging around at the door telling her about some annoying girl from school who I didn't like, she said "You don't like anyone". I was really offended that she thought I was that type of person.

I know, even now, that I don't like every person I meet. But when I meet someone I like, I really genuinely and truly like them. I might not like every single thing about a person but that won't stop me from generally liking who they are.

And some people are so easy to like. I love people who are genuinely warm inside. I saw my uni friends earlier this week (after a while of not seeing them) and I started to really miss talking and hanging out with them every week.

Anyway, I don't think I've reached the point I wanted to make very well. That was: that if I feel like someone is sincerely nice inside, they can say anything to me and I would not get offended. Now it sounds like I'm talking about Naomi, but I'm not.

I'm being vague now 'cause I can't say what I want.

Max said ages ago that I "change it to people". If we ignore his articulation skills (and mine right now), he meant that I'm a different person with different people. If I like someone, I become friendly and easy-going but if I don't, I get defensive and tense and stand-offish. I act so differently, you'd think I was two different people. I guess nice people bring out the best in me and the others bring out the worst.

It's easy for everyone to tell if I like them or not.

A Risk Worth Taking

Lately I've been thinking about what I really dream of doing every day. That's making movies/TV shows. Before I never gave it serious thought 'cause going for a career in film/TV production is so risky and I'm not a risk-taking person. But now that I have a degree and getting work experience, I really started to wonder if this is a risk worth taking. Especially now that I'm still young and don't have many responsibilities.

A while ago, during my unemployment, I registered as a volunteer for film productions at a film school. There's going to be an information day soon and I really can't take any more time off work (not that I've taken a lot of time off but I did have to leave early and take a day off for graduation). And even if I do leave early for that, when am I going to find the time to do the actual volunteering? Maybe they'll end my contract soon and I'd be able to do it.

I was even thinking of taking a course in directing but they are so expensive. I guess I'm willing to pay if I decide I might get something out of it. The good thing about volunteering on productions is that it's free and beneficial to everyone. Plus, it increases my chances of getting into that excellent film school that has a 95% employment rate. But getting in is nearly impossible.

But I will find a way of getting my dream job. Not sure how just yet but it's something I can actually influence (unlike the hopeless boyfriend situation).

Another Addition

You will not believe this but there is now BG3. I wonder if he can be in my BG club if I know his name and email?

I met this one at the same bus stop at which I met BG1. And I only went there 'cause I was at uni today and had a tiny bit of hope that I might see him if I go there. So while I was standing there waiting for the bus (thinking, "Yeah right I'll see him. There's no chance that would ever happen"), some guy came up to me and asked when the last bus came (exactly what BG1 said). So then I told him and he asked what I studied and I had to tell him I didn't anymore and we ended up chatting all the way to the train station.

David is from South America and thought I looked South American. How, I have no idea since I'm pale. But Rory from Gilmore Girls is Hispanic and she looks Caucasian to me. So hey, who am I to say what race I look like. And being told I look South American is a compliment to me since I think the majority of South Americans are good looking.

When we had to part, I said "See you later" and then turned around and blurted out, "Actually, I'll probably never see you" and he asked for my email.

So, that's that. Will try not to get my hopes up since last time I did that it didn't turn out too well for me. But it's hard again. I'm sure he didn't ask for my email if he didn't want to contact me, especially after I said I'll never see him again (which was not supposed to come out of my mouth).

Oh well, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, at least my BG collection is growing.

Letting It Out

April and I have talked many times about whether talking about obsessing over something actually encourages more obsessing. And so we decided to stop talking about our main topic of obsession for a while. However, just because we didn't talk about it, didn't mean we stopped thinking about it. It got even harder that we had all these thoughts and couldn't even talk about them so we ended up feeling even worse and decided to stop our little idea.

I firmly believe that talking about, writing or some other form of expressing how you feel is very helpful. I can't speak for every single person because maybe there are people who feel better by not expressing themselves in any way but I really don't know anyone like that.

So when I write long entries about obsessing over RG or feeling like I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life and any of you think, "Just get over it!" you can stop reading because this is my way of getting over it. After I write everything I want about my obsessions, I stop thinking about it because I've let it all out and have no need to do so anymore. Until next time I start feeling like that.

And as a side note, I absolutely hate having people tell me what I should do and how I should be. Unless I ask or if it's from someone I'm close to who has some useful suggestions. But I even get annoyed at my Mum telling me things like I should wear more make-up to work or I should wear skirts more often. Argh.

I Want It All

I have found a really witty blog that really interested me but then when I read how the blogger is completely content and happy because of her husband and child, I just couldn't read it anymore. Reading about other people's happy love lives makes me feel even worse about mine. It's horrible that I'm at the stage where other people's happiness makes me more depressed.

I hate how my life is passing me by so fast and I can't stop it. Getting my job involved a lot of luck and being at the right place at the right time, so why can't I be lucky in love.

I always said that I'd be able to be happy with having RG and nothing else but I could never be totally happy with everything else but RG.

For some people, their careers are enough or their family and friends are enough. Why can't my life just be enough for me. I feel so spoilt even writing this. So many people would only wish for my life. Am I one of those people who can never be happy? I sincerely hope not.

Sometimes I think, "Would I be really happy if I had RG but not my family?". What if I couldn't talk to my brother ever again or not have my parents' support, or no friends to like me for me, could I really be happy?

I imagine for a tiny moment what it'd be like if I got home to find something horrible happened to my brother and then the next day I find RG. But even thinking that makes me so terribly sick that I vow I'd rather never have a relationship than something bad happening to my brother. Or my parents.

Why can't I just have everything?

What Happened To My Life?

Next week is going to be different.

First of all, I won't have Veronica to talk to and have lunch with anymore.

Secondly, my manager decided to delegate tasks more efficiently so I won't have to stay there till 7pm and barely have time for a lunch break (or any break for that matter). No more article writing for me, only designing graphics. I actually like writing and doing some research for them but I really just don't have the time to do them, as well as everything else.

Today, my manager asked me if I wanted to go for drinks with the others. I knew it would be great to socialise with people I work with but it would've been too wierd to hang out with a bunch of 30 to 50 year olds. And I was tired and didn't even know where they were going or how I was going to get back if it wasn't close to public transport. Hopefully I won't end up alienating myself.

I keep trying to spot a good time to ask him about opportunities for me stay on after my contract but he's always so busy. It's ok, I still have time.

My life feels so odd at the moment. Like it's not really mine. Uni feels like forever away and my life as a 'not yet an adult' is quickly slipping through my fingers. I spend most of my time at work. It's good that I can enjoy my job which makes things easier. On the weekend, I might see my friends, I might not.

Even though my life isn't that bad right now, I can't help but want something more. Yeah, a boyfriend would be nice. Since I can't get one, I end up dreaming of things that I can achieve, like travelling. Travelling is exciting, it's adventurous, it makes single life more meaningful. Or maybe it's just an excellent distraction.

My favourite part of my life right now is my dance course. I'm past halfway and Andy likes it enough to want to do the next one with me. If I stick with it for 2 years, I can reach the Advanced level. I think that class is the only time when I can truly enjoy myself without wanting a boyfriend. And it's the first thing that I've done with my brother outside of home. I like the times before and after class when we just chat or sit on the train, both listening to our music.

Reason To Rebel

My way of rebelling when I was a teenager was not to rebel (like everyone else). It used to make me feel superior. But probably not happier.

What Movies Are Supposed To Be Like

I got to see the beginning of Show Me Love last night. I saw the rest of it a while ago. Why can't more movies be as good as that? So human and soulful. And they should be shown before midnight.

Humourless

People with no sense of sense of humour can be really amusing. You can say anything and they'll take you seriously.

The Wonderful People Who Stay A Little Longer

I was so happy to find out that Veronica (the girl I mentioned yesterday) was staying till next week. She's so different to my friends, which I really love. She's really outgoing but not too loud. And she has a brother who's 21. Ok, I won't get carried away.

She's also really positive which is cool. Like when I said "I hope you actually like your new job", she replied, "I usually find ways to like jobs and adapt to them, even if I'm having a bad time". I should start this way of thinking.

She reminded me of the type of person who would have parents who would be friends with mine. Maybe it's because she's from the same part of Europe as me. I really don't know why I feel closer to people who were born in the same (or close to my) country, especially since I grew up here. I wonder if it's just psychological.

My manager asked me to stay back today to help him finish some stuff. I did (since I couldn't yesterday because of my dance class). When it turned 7 o'clock, I told him that I had to go. I could tell that he didn't want to stay himself but he had no choice. He didn't act annoyed with me though which I was worried about. He always tells me that I'm doing good work. I wonder if it's just encouragement for me to try harder or if he's really pleased with it. I guess I'll see when my contract is up and I ask if I can stay.

I saw the 23 year old guy again today and he SO did not look 23. He looked around 30 if not more. I think it was his longish hair and (I don't know how else to say it) colourless face.

I'm so going to miss Veronica when she leaves 'cause it's nice to have someone to take a break with and talk to during work.

I got thinking today that it's kinda weird that before (at uni) all I'd want is to meet a nice guy but now I'm grateful to have anyone to be friends with.

An Office Affair Or An Overactive Imagination? The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Ever since my first day at my new job, I noticed how my manager talks with this other woman. It's overly friendly and kinda teasing, on the border of flirting. And he'd always call her over to show her jokes he got and ask when she's having lunch. And she'd call him 'darling'. I was pretty sure that it wasn't the most professional relationship. Today, after another one of their teasing exchanges, I really got the feeling that there was 'something' going on. Not exactly sure what but they were definitely closer than just workmates.

So I was pretty shocked when my manager said to me, "I really need sleep. I stayed up till 3am last night doing work. Got in trouble with my boyfriend."

I was trying not to smile. Who would've thought my boss was gay. I always thought he was just a child-like adult who was really laid back and understanding. I liked how he always laughed the way kids laugh (the giggly can't hold it back kind of laugh) not the held back adult men one. And who had a lisp that made him sound like a schoolboy. I already came up with what his childhood was like: he was teased about it which was why he was so nice now.

I hope he stays like that all the time 'cause it sure makes the impossible deadlines at work easier to bear.

The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Today in the morning, I got talking with one girl who works with me. And she's one of the nicest people I have met. She invited me to have lunch with her which I quickly accepted because having it at my desk was really getting to me.

She showed me the only cafe in the vacinity (since there's nowhere really go at lunch in that area) and we talked non-stop. It's not often you meet people who you just can't stop talking with; the conversation overlapping with no time for breaks 'cause there's so much to say.

I found out she also finished my uni last year, but she spend more time there. She also moved to Australia at around the same time as me. She lived in a country very close to POB (no wonder I thought her slight accent was so familiar). She had a weakness for bread and could eat it without anything, just like me. She also went to an all girls school.

She was telling me how she applied for a job she really wanted and was very nervously awaiting a reply. I knew how that felt.

Then in the afternoon, she came up to me with a huge smile on her face, saying she got that job and was starting tomorrow. My heart sank. Just when I found someone at work I could be friends with, she was leaving. It felt weird having someone be excited about leaving and getting a job somewhere else when I actually wanted to stay here for a while longer.

And there I was getting excited about having someone to talk with at work from now on. And they moved the 23 year old guy to another room, so now I'm stuck with my manager, some women and some old men.

I can hope that her replacement would be someone I like, but I highly doubt that he/she would be as cool as her.

Desire to Travel

I was reading about 2 Australian women taking a road trip through California and visiting the places where Lauren and I have been last year, and it made me yearn for the best adventure of my life.

I wanted to be back in San Francisco, eating the clam chowder and the absolutely delicious sourdough bread. I wanted to be back in LA watching a taping of a sitcom, I wanted to be back in New Orleans eating their traditional food on a busy Sunday morning and watching a free show near the river, I wanted to be back in New York walking the busy streets with something interesting at every corner. God, how I want to experience that again.

There were so many things that I didn't get to do that I would love to experience the next time I get to go (not anytime soon, unfortunately). I want to go to all the famous museums in New York that we didn't feel like visiting when we were there. I want to explore all the suburbs of San Francisco that we missed out on. I want to go to a proper LA shopping centre (how could we miss on going to one when we were there?) I want to spend more time doing the things that the locals do. And I want to visit the less famous states.

However, Europe is next on my list of places to visit. Then there's also Japan and maybe Canada. Maybe I can fit in USA somewhere in between?

Look Who's Laughing

Sometimes it's so much fun when people underestimate you because you can go along with their assumptions of you and then crash them with the reality that you're the one who's more aware of what's going on.

(Sorry if this sounds kind of vague but I'm talking about something specific I can't mention.)

Am I Real?

A while ago, I stumbled on an article that talked about a blogger who made up a character and wrote this character's blog as if she was a real person. Apparently, the real person (a middle-aged man) even conversed with his readers pretending to be this fictional woman. He said he did it as research for something or other.

This got me thinking if maybe I could do something like that. I mean it would be fun to pretend to be someone I'm not. I would be able to make up exciting storylines and adventures this fictional character would have. It would be like writing a book, only the readers would believe it was true.

So today, something/someone triggered another thought in me. What if some people think this blog isn't written by a real person? What if they think I'm just a character someone else made up?

(Although honestly, don't you think I would create some more interesting things happen to me?)

Missed Opportunity

I always think of fun things too late.

Yesterday, I could've written an entry about meeting BG/BG2 again and organising to meet up. I could've written about meeting Max accidentally. Now that would've been a fun story. I could've written so many things I always imagined because it was April Fool's Day. But I've wasted that opportunity and will have to wait till next year.

Although, I did find out yesterday that the 'friendly enough' guy sitting next to me is 23 years old. He's so not my type but I guess it would be nice if we could become friends. Plus, he has the same background as me. And I'm not kidding.