A Stupid Old Man and a Smart Woman

A Stupid Old Man and a Smart Woman

Today Andy and I went to my grandparents' house to wish my grandma a happy birthday. She insisted on giving me some old dresses she had that she's never worn. I will never know why she even bothered bringing them here from POB. I was thinking of cutting them up and making something else out of them. I have lots of design ideas but have no idea how to make the patterns.

My grandparents were telling us yet another story about one man (they know) who keeps calling them about his problems. My grandpa said, "I'm always being understanding with him but he doesn't want to talk to me. Your grandma yells at him and tells him what a stupid old man he is and he calls her a smart woman".

My grandma said, "I told him, 'You are just interested in money and sex!'" I almost fell over. Hearing elderly people talk about sex is like seeing teachers have lives outside school. You know it happens but pretend that it doesn't.

The Frustrated Worker Effect

I have no words to describe my frustration at being unemployed. I have learnt a program that I felt was stopping me from getting interviews but obviously that wasn't the problem. I'm in the process of fixing another thing that I feel might be hindering my employment but after that I'm out of ideas.

It's like hitting the brick wall over and over again. I check the internet daily for jobs and apply to everything I'm suited to (and some even that I'm not). And nothing. I called up two places today that had a phone number but conveniently I couldn't reach these people. I left messages but no reply. I feel so stuck. It didn't take me this long to find my previous career related job. What's the problem now?

It's reminding me of my hopeless boyfriend situation before, only this seems so much more attainable. Everyone finds jobs sooner or later. Why can't I? I changed my resume more times than I like to count, in the hope that it would fix things but different people prefer different types of resumes and there's no way of knowing who'd like what.

It's so easy to become discouraged and feel like no one needs my skills and that no one thinks I'd fit into their workplace. I have to remind myself that I can't be totally unlikeable if I have David. I can't be a completely lost cause. If I didn't have David while being unemployed, I think I would've been totally depressed. Sometimes it's an effort to act like I'm a capable and worthy individal when I'm with David so he doesn't lose respect for me.

When I was younger I used to think that if you do well at school and get into university and complete a degree, the next obvious step would be getting a suitable job. How wrong and naive I was. School and uni don't mean a thing if you can't start a career.

My job situation is totally hopeless right now. I just don't know what to do.

Sometimes So Right

David's and my 4 months anniversary was the best yet. Lots of laughter, lots of ego-boosting compliments, some dancing, lots of energy. Apparently I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Yes, me!

He apologised again for what he said on Saturday and said that he wasn't being himself and he really doesn't feel what he said. I was so over that but it was sweet of him to apogogise, for the second time.

He said I was the right girl he's been waiting to have a serious relationship with. For all my talk about my RG, he called me his! We were also discussing how we were willing to change to meet each other in the middle, as we've been doing. It's always easier if both people make a small step towards each other, rather than just one person trying to accommodate the other. Both people have to be willing to try. And I'm so lucky David is more than willing. It makes trying to make things work worth it.

When I was saying how interesting it was that our birthdays and anniversary were very close numbers (24, 25, 27) and he said, "26 is missing". I said, "We'll have to have something on that date" and he replied, "Well, wait a couple of years and we'll have that one covered too". After my heart returned to its job, I said, "What do you mean?" and he laughed and said, "You'll see". I laughed nervously. Why does the only thing that comes to mind is a wedding?

Does he already know he wants to be with me forever? Is it just insignificant talk?

Rejected What She Always Wanted

April's South American friend (with the kid) asked her out. Not once, not twice but three times! And she said no. She was in a bit of a mental crisis when she called but David came over so I couldn't talk to her for long. So don't know all the details yet. But I can't believe it. Finally when April has a real chance of having a boyfriend, the guy has to be so totally wrong. And not in the 'David' wrong way which can be made right but in a 'there's no possible way he can be right'. It's all quite sad.

Told David about it and he said, "Maybe he was just asking her out as friends". He said girls used to take him the wrong way all the time when he was just trying to be friendly and nothing more. Somehow I really doubt that was the case with April since she never assumes there could be more. She'd usually play it down and be like, "Oh, he's probably just being nice".

Fishy

Well, I guess my good feeling about that job wasn't that good since they didn't call me back when they said they would. Or maybe it was a good feeling since I wouldn't be too happy in it anyway. Man, I just want a good job.

The place where I worked today was great. The job is so boring but there are two wonderful girls to keep me company. If I try hard enough, I can almost pretend that it's just like uni/school. We actually have a whole hour lunch break where we eat and chat about everything. How I missed those kind of social interactions at my last jobs. One girl is married which is hard to believe because I can relate to her so well; it's hard to see her as a real adult.

Today I found out that since the last time I've been there, they managed to kill their manager's fish (since she's overseas now). They probably wouldn't be too happy with me saying they 'killed' it since there was nothing they could do about it. But it's funny how you always hear of the fish being fine until their owner leaves them to someone else and all problems start, even though the carers follow all the instructions. I suggested they get a new one to replace the old one but the problem is that all the fish are getting sick and they might all die soon. I told them they should get rid of the tank completely and tell their manager that there was a robbery.

It felt a bit like we were in a sitcom, conspirationally discussing what the best thing would be to do about the fish.

I swear, fish cause more problems than they are worth. David's Mum's fish always eat each other and get into fights. They had to be separated. So now there's the 'Happy Tank' and the 'Mental Asylum' also known as the "Detention Centre for Bad Fish" or "Fish Jail". The two psycho fish are insane. One minute they would be doing their regular laps around the bowl and the next they'd be shooting in every direction, then they'd just as suddenly go back to their circles.

I was supposed to work there tomorrow too but there's going to be construction going on so they told me not to bother showing up since we wouldn't be able to do anything anyway.

Star Struck

Today while I was taking the long journey to work (last place I went to) , I decided that from now on I will write things about my life that don't involve David. Like I used to do before him. It might give some variety to my one endless topic that I've been happily writing non-stop about, neglecting all the other things that have happened to me.

You might not believe that for over a week I haven't talked about the media event that I volunteered for. The one where I lied myself from a horrible dirty boring job to the green room where I got to chat to some quite well known celebrities (while hanging out with a cute national swimmer turned movie-maker). My favourite one had to be Ian Thorpe with whom I discussed the toilets. It was an experience worthy to tell my grandkids. I never really cared for Ian before but in person, he was drop-dead gorgeous, not to mention very sweet. There were some other famous people I exchanged a few words with which was quite exciting at the time.

Hanging out with a guy for the whole day was so ironic. That would've never happened when I was single. Ok, so I did start sticking to a group of girls at the beginning but later it was just me and this guy (when the girls were probably being bitter about not coming up with my lie first). Anyway, this probably would've been a lot more exciting (and disappointing) if David didn't exist but fortunately he does 'cause no guy compares to him.

Came to another one of my realisations recently. Even though David wasn't the type I imagined my RG to be, if I could pick a fantasy guy (i.e. not taking into consideration any practical issues), he would be it (well, pretty close anyway). He has all the qualities of a guy who's fun to think about but not practical to have - exciting, sexy Latino dancer. However, he gets bonus points for being able to be down-to-earth. And LOTS of extra points for being real and mine.

So Hard

My throat feels on fire. Couldn't sleep properly. Was woken up by my temp agent calling to ask if I could work today. Not counting the fact that I really don't like same day notice (which can be typical of temp work), I was so not up for going. Told her I was busy today but would be free tomorrow.

I'm supposed to hear about my interview outcome today. It's weird that I have a feeling I have a high chance of getting it but I don't really want it. It worries me that I won't be getting the necessary experience for progressing in my career. The company's field is too specialised. Anyway, I might not even get it so no point worrying about it.

If I don't get it, I'm going to seriously consider getting work experience on a local paper. Maybe that's going to be the most useful thing for me to do, since publishing/print is my favourite strand of design. Although I doubt they provide such things.

Just Connected

There's a very high chance of David moving almost two hours away from me next year. I don't even want to think about it because there's absolutely nothing that can be done. Unrealistic thoughts of us moving in together keep creeping into my mind. I can't let myself think of how our lives would be if he finished studying by now.

Watched Just Married tonight and it reflected us in some way. Just how even when we're arguing, all I'm thinking inside is that I can't even be really mad at him and almost feel like laughing and mocking our own fight. Which always dissolves the tension and he gets that hint of a smile in his eye. So even though we're vocally arguing, our eyes have already made up.

David: please don't scream at me
me: I'm not screaming. I'm just speaking in a frustrated tone. I can't scream right now anyway, I have a sore throat.

Soon there's going to be Latin festival and he obviously wants to go. I made him practise with me so I wouldn't look too bad dancing with him. Every time I dance with him, I feel like we're in an alternate universe where it's just us and the music. I swear, if anyone had told me my boyfriend would be a dancer, I would've laughed. I'm so lucky to have met him. He's nothing like what I imagined my boyfriend to be. It's amazing how one moment in time changed everything. Sometimes it still sends shivers down my spine to think how easy it could've been for me never to see him again. What possessed me to say what I did to make him get my email. Who would've thought I'd be here now? Certainly not me.

The Best Part of an Argument

Had an argument with David last night. He was being really narrow-minded. I told him that if he thought for a moment what he was saying, he'd realise he wasn't being fair. He said he didn't want to think about it. A couple of times he was about to leave but then I knew he wouldn't go without sorting it out.

I gave him a perspective on the situation involving myself and then it clicked for him. Not exactly sure which part of what I said made him see light but all of a sudden he was like, "I'm such an idiot. You're right. I'm sorry. That was so stupid of me. I can't believe I was saying that." I just knew that he'd change his mind. Smart people usually come to smart conclusions.

He said he just got upset because he got over-protective (i.e. jealous). Reminded me that he wasn't just my friend, but a boyfriend and he really didn't want to hear how upset I was when I didn't keep in touch with BG. Then he was like, "I guess I should thank him though 'cause I wouldn't have met you if you didn't go to that bus stop in the hope of seeing him. They're [the two BGs] idiots anyway for not getting your number."

Since we were on the topic of jealousy, I said I got a bit like that about his ex's, which I knew was stupid. After I said that, he exclaimed, "They're nothing to me! You don't even know how important you are!"

If I was looking at our relationships from the outside, I'd probably think, "They deserve each other" because we both get insecure about the same things and still worry what the other one thinks, when we're both totally into each other. It's s ridculous.

I said, "It was about time for an argument anyway" and he replied, "I was just waiting for the reconcilliation part".

Flashposting

I got this idea from another blog and decided it's pretty useful. The point is to put up a post and take it off after a short period of time.

The reason for this is that after writing some posts I realise that they are way too personal for the public. You might wonder, why put them up in the first place? Well, sometimes when I put up personal posts I don't really think it's a big deal because this blog is as anonymous as it can get. When I write these entries, I think that I'm just recording my life. It's only later, I have that usual inner-conflict about whether I'm fine with sharing such intimate details.

So flashposting is my compromise for the moment.

Tell Me

Tell Me (Flashpost)

Job Competition and Wonderful Boyfriend

I'm not feeling so hopeful about my job interview anymore. The guy told me that he received literally a hundred applications. Can't believe so many people are looking for jobs in my field. How am I supposed to compete with such a large number? He said half of them weren't even qualified and they just wasted his time. I didn't mention that I also send my resume to positions for which I'm not totally qualified for.

The actual job is pretty bad. It's not very creative at all. Just boring back-end work. But I would be happy with anything at the moment.

I have such a sore throat now. I think I'm getting sick again. It's so annoying 'cause I have to go out with David and his friends tonight but it hurts to talk and I feel drowsy. Can't cancel though because he's going to be too disappointed. Anyway, I'm not that bad now. It'll probably be worse tomorrow.

David surprised me yesterday when he sent me an email with a POBian phrase that I haven't taught him. I'm so impressed with his effort to learn POBian, when it's really not that necessary. I just kept reading his email over and over with a huge smile on my face. He was so appreciative when I told him not to stress about his uni work and do what he can. Told me he felt much better knowing I was by his side. I wonder how long it will be till he starts taking me for granted.

"Hello wonderful girl" - David, in POBian.

Direct Call

I'm so sure that emailing off my resume is completely useless because the only way I ever (not counting a couple of exceptions) got an interview was when I called directly. Like today. Not sure if I'm going to get the job but I'm hopeful because the position is almost exactly the same as what I did at the beginning of the year. Only permanent. After our conversation I sent him my resume and some work I did. I was worried that he wasn't going to like my samples because I never had anyone judge them before. He called a couple of hours later to arrange an interview. He told me I sounded 'interesting'. He also asked how old I was (not sure if that's too professional). I really didn't think I sounded young anymore. I thought my voice matured this year but guess not.

Even though the location isn't the most convenient, they're moving in a month to a much better one. The actual company's clients are far from exciting but at the moment I would be happy with any graphic/web design work.

Anyway, I shouldn't speak of it as if I have it, but for some reason I have a good feeling about it. Not that my feelings are ever correct but like I always say, an interview is better than nothing. Hopefully the quantity will soon turn into quality.

Just As You Are

"You're everything I never knew I always wanted"

- Fools Rush In

David: You know those pills [first of all, I prefer not to call my naturopathy medication that but fine] you take? What if you want to have a family? Would they have an effect if you have kids?

Oh. My. God. He's thinking of having kids with me?! Ok, jealousy monster gone. I reassured him that there's no way vitamin type herbs could have any negative effects if I have kids.

I started worrying that my mysterious disease was getting to him. I asked him and he said, "Actually it does worry me". Well, nice to know. And I was doing such a good job trying not to let it bother me. I told him that I wished I didn't have to take anything but there was nothing I could do about it so I decided to not let it stress me out. Then, he said, "I'm kidding!" I asked if he was sure and he assured me he was.

As you can probably tell from my last few posts, I'm getting quite stressed about my extended job search. I tried not to bring it up 'cause I still worry what he thinks of me and don't want him to think I'm getting depressed or anything. Then I thought, he's my boyfriend, I should be able to tell him when I'm not feeling the best. So when he asked if I was ok, I told him. I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it even though it was. I shouldn't have underestimated him. He was so so sweet. Told me to always tell him when I was worried about anything because he wanted to be there for me. Said something was going to come up and just not to give up.

My Mum said half-jokingly that if I can find a guy to put up with me, that's good enough. My view of RG is slowly changing. I'm realising that all I need is someone to understand me and always support me. So David was never the perfect guy I've had in mind but even with all his bad points, he's always accepted me the way I am. Plus he brings out the best in me which in turn makes it easier for him to accept me.

Lately, every time I stop talking to him, I immediately start to miss him. Reminds me of "I Miss You" song by Darren Hayes. I used to love that song when I was single and wished I had someone to miss so much and to miss me. It's like a dream to have this reality.

You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on.

It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too.

[The last two lines relate to me too well. I remember quite clearly when I almost followed David to the toilet and April intervened, "Stop following him everywhere!"]

You know I miss you
And this is all I wanna do
I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm in love with you.

The Perfect Ex-File

- unattractive
- no sense of humour
- boring
- alcoholic
- smoker
- bad job
- preferably uneducated
- unstable
- not too intelligent
- current boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with her
- totally different from you so boyfriend can't compare, but if he does, you're totally on a different level (waaaaaaay above hers)

Did I forget anything else?

We got talking about his ex's which didn't help that jealousy monster that started growing inside of me since I saw the photo of his beautiful one. It's weird - I don't want us to not talk about it but I feel horrible when we do. It makes me feel like I'm just another one he's going to talk about in the future to his future girlfriend. He's so outgoing and social and brave that it's simple for him to find someone. Unlike me here for whom it's impossible to find anyone.

Will need to learn to deal with my insecurities before David notices them and I become one of those annoying girlfriends who are too clingy.

Anyway, did I mention David started to learn POBian? He made me write out the alphabet and some phrases. I told him it would take him years to learn it and he was like, "I just want to be able to speak to your parents". I reminded him that my Mum and Dad speak English fluently but he said it's not the same. Should I take this as a sign that he's looking at our relationship long-term? Fortunately Spanish is so much easier to learn since I've learnt French at school and it has a lot of similar words.

When I was talking to him on Monday night, he actually said good night to me in POBian, which totally surprised me 'cause I didn't expect him to say it.

Can't wait to speak to him today.

All I Want

I have never wanted anyone as much as I want David. All day all I could think about was him. When I woke up, during breakfast, on the bus to the city, during lunch with uni friends, on the bus back home. Every minute he was on my mind. My whole body keeps aching for him to be with me. This is totally irrational as I've only seen him last night.

Unlike Friday when I wasn't enjoying him so much (especially during the religion thing), yesterday was totally the opposite. Just felt such a high from being with him. He was showing me photos of his uni friends in South America and I noticed there was a folder on his computer called "My Sky". Talk about being surprised. He had a folder just for photos of me. Although to a normal person this might seem a bit freaky, to me it was so sweet. Plus he saves absolutely everything to do with me. And I mean everything. A couple of weeks ago I wrote him a note on his notepad when he wasn't looking so he'd only discover it after I'd leave. And this week I noticed it cut out and pasted to the post-it note on which I was doodling and did a little drawing of him. Since he pasted the note really well (so I couldn't take it off without ripping the post-it sketches), I made him let me rub it out because it was personal and I was a bit panicked that his whole family saw it. Wrote a more casual one in its place.

When I first told April that he put up my original scribble on the post-it note, she said, "Are you sure he doesn't have a shrine dedicated to you, with candles and everything?" And although that's kinda funny to imagine, a part of me finds the idea of a guy worshipping me kinda cool.

When he found pictures of his uni friends, I saw his ex-girlfriend. I was shocked by how similar she looked to me. Only much much better looking. She had the same hair and smile but looked absolutely gorgeous. I got worried that since she was the same type as me, it would be so easy to compare us. But I'd never measure up. I guess I should concentrate that he's with me now. And he has a folder just for me. Surely that must mean something. If only she wasn't so stunningly beautiful. I know I should stop being so insecure but it's hard because I want to feel like I'm not just another girlfriend in his long line of relationships. I want to be the special one.

Should concentrate on how he's been nothing but wonderful to me yesterday (and lots of days before that). I was saying to him that if relationships are only supposed to be really exciting in the beginning, then how long does this beginning last? And he said, "You'll always be my girlfriend". I asked him what he meant and he said, "You'll always be my beginning". I had to remind myself to breathe.

He knows just how to melt my heart. Sometimes just the way he looks at me (like he can see right inside me) or how he takes my hand (radiating heat) or talks to me (like I'm the most important person in the world). Sometimes I feel like I can put up with all his bad points because of how much I'm addicted to his good ones. When there was a song that went, "The more you give, the more I want," he said, "That's exactly how I feel! You're my addiction".

I honestly don't know how I'm planning on breaking up with him. I can't deal even a day without him.

So can't wait till our trip when we have three whole days of just being together and not worrying about things like driving home late. God, I miss him so much already, I think I might burst inside.

Visions of the Future

I think I have a gift for predicting the future. Well, my future anyway. Especially immediate one.

For example, I did worry about the bus driver forgetting to tell me where to get off. Which was really pointless because of course he forgot to tell me. When I realised it was approximately time to get off and asked him, he was like, "That was the previous stop". Well, thanks for that! So I got off and wandered for about 30 minutes on a jagged rocky path along a semi-highway in heels. It was quite a memorable experience. My feet still have memories etched upon them. Lucky for my future predicting abilities, I caught an early bus, so I was only five minutes late.

Had to wait in the lobby for about ten minutes while the receptionist tried to reach my supervisor in between her phone conversation about where her life was going. As I gathered, not very far. I'm amazed how some people can have private conversations like that when there are strangers around.

When my supervisor finally came to collect me, she started apologising for where I was going to work. I had to remind myself that I used to work in a small room in a warehouse with ten other people so it couldn't be that bad. I was right. The only problem was that there was construction going on all around the room where I was supposed to be with two other people. I was so happy to see these two people were my age. The boring temp work that I had to do was broken up with gossip with the Law/Psychology student and another young woman who was studying Naturopathy for Animals. It was so good to have lunch with them since there was nowhere really to go.

It made a me feel 'a bit' better that there were smart people who were also doing work below their abilities. I didn't feel like such an idiot. My supervisor was a bit neurotic but sweet perfectionist lawyer who worked on patents and with different inventors. She was leaving to Europe to give some workshop and was stressing about not having enough time to colour code her papers. All of Friday she kept saying, "Everyone, don't stress, it'll be fine! Totally fine! Don't stress. It'll all be fine!"

The upside to temping is that I get to see some really interesting work environments.

After work on Thursday, I got off at the city and bought three pieces of clothing for $20! They had a clearance sale "Buy 1 for $15 or 3 for $20". So buying two things would've been more expensive than three. What an interesting business strategy. I love it when clothes are so cheap because you don't have to worry whether it's worth buying something that looks good but isn't too comfortable. I mean, each item came down to less than $7! Got jeans (that were originally $70), pants (orginially $60) and top (originally $20). I've never had such a bargain before!

Got home with a humongous headache so went to bed at 8pm. Woke up at 3am so hungry (not having dinner does that to you). Went back to sleep and had a nightmare about people from my primary school being buried and we had to dig them up (some alive) and David admitting he did drugs and didn't see anything wrong with it. I remember feeling such devastation and frustration and heavy weight sadness that I was too happy to wake up from that darkness.

Told David about it last night and he said, "Stop associating South Americans with drugs". I'm certain that's not what my dream meant. I'm sure it was just a reflection of how I'm scared of realsing we're not meant to be.

It's odd that when he's not with me, all I want is him. But when we're together I'm like, "Whatever. He's so wrong for me. I'll break up with him soon". Last night religion came between us, once again. He did something that made me so uncomfortable that I actually had to tell him because I cannot be with him if he keeps doing it. I tried to tell him not to do it without actually telling him to do what I say.

I was like, "I don't want you to change because of me. Change because you want to," only in a longer more roundabout way. Of course he started saying that he never forces me into changing and why can't I just accept him the way he is. Couldn't argue with that. Then, he actually reminded me himself of one thing I compromised on so he said he won't do it (what made me feel so weird) in front of me. Not totally what I wanted but better than nothing. He said he grew up with religion so it was very hard for him when I started challenging what he thought his whole life.

He said he knew religion was a big thing in our relationship so if it was getting too much for me, we should say good-bye. I told him the reason I was bringing it up was because I didn't want to break up. If I did, I wouldn't bother talking about it. He said he still thought that we can make a great couple.

After the chat we went to my house where we had dinner and chatted to my Mum. She couldn't help but say things I wish she didn't. When I told her later and she asked me what things, I couldn't remember so she said, "If you can't remember, it couldn't have been that embarrassing". She had a point there.

After Mum told me something, David said, "Listen to your Mum" which was so obvious he was trying to suck up to her. But it was kinda cute. Trying to get on my Mum's good side.

Afterwards, he had a long chat with my brother which was cool. It would be great for them to get on.

Then when we finally got left alone, I started wondering if friendship and lust can sustain a relationship. We make great friends because we always have fun together and can talk about pretty much anything. And there's plenty of chemistry. I know it sounds great in theory but it feels like something's missing. Something in between those two states. If we were just friends, religion wouldn't mean a thing because we'd have no right to tell the other person how to lead their lives. But since we're more than just friends, it's different.

Forever Again

I got a two day temp job. Yay. It's almost forever away. Have to catch a bus there and it's so hard to know exactly where to get off if it's an area I've never been to. Will have to do what I usually do in these situations - ask the bus driver to let me know and worry that he'll forget. Fun.

Another agent called me today to organise an interview. I guess temp jobs at the moment are better than nothing. Trying to look on the bright side.

And it's a good thing tomorrow's job is far, it'll give me a chance for extra exercise (from wandering around being lost).

Fixed our accommodation bookings today since our first choice was booked out. I'm an expert in planning trips now (after last year's extensive planning for America). Maybe I should be a travel agent.

From talking to David yesterday I got the feeling that he wasn't as interested going there as just spending time with me in a holiday atmosphere. This worries me because I don't want him to rely on me for entertainment. Maybe I'm wrong. When is my intuition ever right?

My Mum asked me, "What if after going on this trip, you'll be disappointed with him?" which made me realise that I'm kinda hoping that it'd give me more clarity to how I feel about him. Maybe after it I'm going to know for sure that there's no way I want to continue our relationship or that I'd feel a lot stronger for him. I'm predicting it would be neither and I would be in the same position I'm in now. Or another realistic outcome would be becoming disappointed but not wanting to break up anyway because of fear of being single forever again.

So Frustrated

Unemployment sucks. It takes out all the joy of having free time. I just have this constant feeling of guilt that I'm not doing anything worthwhile and earning money.

I called up several of my temp agencies and none of them have anything at the moment. The one who gave me my last temp job thanked me for giving a good impression of the agency because my supervisor told her I was 'fantastic'. Well, if I'm so fantastic, why can't I get a proper job?! Argh.

The woman with whom I had the interview last week hasn't called. I know she said she'll call at the end of the week but I just want her to hurry up with my rejection so I can get rid of that tiny bit of hope that's always there when there's no certainty of an interview outcome.

What scares me is that soon I won't even be able to say that I'm a 'recent graduate' because I've graduated almost a year ago! My student life is way in the past. I can't use uni as an excuse not to face the real world. Maybe I should change professions... Yeah right. That would just delay 'facing the real world' lengthy process because I'd have to go back to study.

I got called today about a media event I volunteered for through the film school. I'm not even that excited about it because it's not a real job. Although I guess I do get to go the event for free. I bet I'll be stuck with some tedious job and won't see anything good anyway.

I was even embarrassed to tell David about finishing my temp job last Friday. Only told him yesterday when he asked how work was. When I told him, he was like, "Why didn't you tell me!" so I said I did (well, I did tell him that it 'could've been' my last week). Then he was like, "We didn't even talk about it" so I said I didn't feel like talking about it. It just puts me in a bad mood. I don't want him to think, "What's wrong with her? Why can't she just get a job?" Of course he'd never say that. He'd say supportive things. Which would be sweet of him. But it wouldn't make me feel any better. Only a job would.

A 'Huge' Step: A Trip With Boyfriend

I was talking to April yesterday and she also thinks thinks that going on a trip with David is a 'huge' step. Am I the only one who thinks it's no big deal? It's only three days and it's not even overseas. I went with Lauren to America for a month and if that was ok, why would going with David a few hours out of the city be any different? It's not like we're just boyfriend and girlfriend, we're friends too. It's so hard to find a travel buddy so it makes things so much easier if the person closest to me is willing to go with me.

Like I said before (well, I think I said it), the worst thing about breaking up with David would be losing a friend.

Imaginary Defence

David told me he had a fight with Ryan on Friday. It was basically about David not spending much time with him anymore. I tried to get the exact details and I got the feeling that Ryan said something bad about me. David said that Ryan thought he didn't have time for him only because of me, although that wasn't true at all and he was pretty busy with uni and work. He also said that Ryan got annoyed at him when he wouldn't check out some girls at the party. What the hell is wrong with that guy? Doesn't he realise that David has a girlfriend?

If Ryan did say something bad about me, I would've loved to see David stand up for me. Maybe get a little angry and say (with a eerie tone that showed boiled anger underneath that could explode any second), "I never want to hear you say that about the most important person in my life!" It would've been so cute.

A Trip With David

Last night David and I planned our trip at the beginning of December. I didn't realise then but later I got thinking that what if we're not together then anymore? Imagine paying for the tickets and accommodation and then not going. What a waste. I told Andy that if it happens, could he pay David and come with me instead and he said, "So I'm your back-up now?" and I said, "Yes, wanna go?" Of course he did.

My Mum said to me, "Do you realise it's serious?" and started asking me about our sleep arrangements like it's any of her business. I lied and said we're getting two beds. Telling the truth wouldn't achieve anything anyway, except tons of probing questions and lectures on sex and relationships. I understand she worries but sometimes (most of the time, actually) she forgets I'm 21 and an adult.

And besides, sharing a bed doesn't equal to sex. Some of you may think that's naive but David knows how I feel about that. There are plenty of other satisfying ways to be intimate. (I wasn't even aware of some of them when I was single.) But I can't explain all this to my mother. Therefore, a little white lie is much easier for all concerned.

Searching for accommodation and flights made us both realise that we would never be able to do uni assignments (or any sort of work) together because we'd keep getting distracted. I was trying to concentrate so we could finish but he kept bugging me and finding my attempts to ignore him amusing and only encouraged him to get more reactions out of me.

By the time we figured out where to stay and which flight to get, it was so late he was too tired to drive home so he stayed over. It's good that we have plenty of room. My parents didn't even realise he was here. Especially since he left at 6am. I was worried that his extremely loud engine would wake up everyone but luckily it didn't.

I can't wait till our little adventure. Three days and three nights of just us exploring a new city and all the privacy in the world. The idea of a trip is enough to get excited about but add David and you can't get better than that.

Unemployed Again

Yesterday was my last day of my most recent temp job. They said they ran out of money to keep me there any longer. Considering I wasn't doing anything, I can understand that. My supervisor said that of course she'd be my referee and even asked me if I wanted her to say that I did graphic design there. It makes it so much easier to know your referee will say good things about you if needed. With the other ones, I was never certain. Sure they said it's fine with them but they never hinted at what kind of things they'd say about me. At least this one will definitely make me sound good.

I called my agent to ask for a new temp position but she was busy and said she'd call me later. Great. I'm unemployed again. I just want a full-time job.

Although for some reason, the warm weather makes me less depressed (well, not depressed but you know what I mean) about my lack of permanent employment. Having a boyfriend helps too.

A Boyfriend for a Weekend

I realised something lately. I have been spending every weekend with David. So if I didn't have him, what would I be doing then? What did I do before him on Saturdays? I know some of them I stayed home but the others I actually organised to meet up with friends, something I haven't been doing so much now. It's just when I think what I'd rather do: go out with friends or meet with David, the decision is very simple.

David said that Ryan (his friend) was upset at him because he was too busy with me. I told David that he was free to go out with Ryan if he wanted and that I wouldn't mind at all. His response was, "But I'd rather hang out with you!" Well, fine then. I did my 'understanding girlfriend' thing so nothing else for me to do.

It's weird to think I've had a boyfriend for over three months now! Time flies by so fast. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday when I thought I'd never experience a relationship in my life and would die a single and lonely woman. (Well, the last bit could still happen.) To think I haven't been at uni for a year now! I'm finally starting to feel like an adult. And you know what? It's not so bad.

Sunshine's Greetings

There's something in the air. I felt it when I woke up and didn't feel like curling up under my covers. Then I felt it when I got out of my house and there was no chill. During lunch when the sun was shining so brightly and people were wearing short sleeves. After work when the air felt like a honey glow. And now when I want to go for a walk outside.

Spring has arrived.

I'm always a fan of winter but the beginning of spring puts a little 'spring' into me.

What's On My Mind

DAVID
A ffA
V ddV
I ddI
DAVID

DAVID
A SPACE
V K V
I Y I
DAVID

DAVID ddddddddddddddD
Acc A dddddddddddddDAVID
V ddV dddD ddddddD dV
I ddIN SEARCH OF A LIFE
DAVID dK V ddddddV dD
dddddddY I dddDAVID
dddddddddDAVID ddD

Well, that was fun. Since I could probably keep going with that pattern, I will stop before my little 'game' becomes a compulsive obsession.

His dark puppy eyes
His paw hands
His teddy bear head
My plush toy.

Dancing With My TV Addiction

me: are you looking forward to Dancing With The Stars?
April: no, I stopped watching during last one 'cause I got bored
me: for some reason I don't really care about it

20 minutes later

me: just saw some dtws and it already got a bit addictive
April: I'm surprised you're not watching it
me: I taped it
April: oooh that explains it then!
me: hehe
April: it's on at the same time as frasier *and* the simpsons
what programming

I really wasn't that excited about this season of the show. But once I heard the uplifting music, and saw those gorgeous outfits (which make me want to do ballroom just so I could have an excuse to wear them) and and and Daryl (the host) and his silly jokes that make me smile for God knows what reason, I just couldn't look away and not care.

Not A Wasted Day

The interview went very well and had the desirable outcome. The woman said she'll definitely pass on my resume to the manager and let him know she thought I was very suitable for the job. She went to the same uni as me so we had a nice chat about that. She also said that she was a bit wrong about the actual position and that it involved a lot more of graphic design than she thought. She also said there are a lot of career opportunities for growth there. So now I really WANT this job!

Must not get my hopes up because I'm sure there'll be plenty of 'suitable' people. But I guess it's better to have a chance, rather than nothing at all.

After the interview I went over to David's for lunch ('cause he lives 'sort of' close to where the interview was) so even if I don't get the job, at least I didn't waste the day. It was so good to see him (almost) every second day this week. He always lifts my spirits (other than the times when I start to analyse too much).

Oh oh oh, I SO want the job!!!

Almost No Interview

I almost missed out on a job interview. I really thought that message that I didn't completely understand on the answering machine wasn't for me. How lucky my parents informed me it was about a job.

Called them today and got an interview tomorrow. The actual job is nothing to get excited about but the salary is quite... nice. Doubt I'll get it 'cause I don't have enough experience in that area. But it's nice to at least get an interview. I'll practise creating a good impression. I realised today that I sound really confident on the phone but never face to face. Might as well practice that tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Inside My Head

To say work was quiet today is the biggest understatement. Pretty much as soon as I sat down and was told to wait to be given work, I opened up the organisation's website and pretended to read their online newsletters while entertaining myself with memories of my time with David. It was hard not to smile while enjoying the fact that no one knew what images were running through my head, while I innocently stared at the screen. Did any of these people walking by with papers, briefcases, coffees and the ones at their desks checking their mail, talking on the phone or discussing weekends with each other have any idea the reason my lips were curling up?

Everyone in the office is so oblivious to what's going on inside everyone's heads. Sometimes I wonder what thoughts everyone's having while they go through their daily tasks. Are they really just concentrating on their work or are their thoughts as secret as mine?

At around 10:30am I got a pleasant surprise. David called me to say he could meet me for lunch. The next few hours went so slowly. Finally I went to meet him. That one hour with him improved my whole day. He said that he talked to his sister and she said she just exaggerrated her reaction when she burst into his bedroom and that she knew we weren't doing 'anything'.

Also, apparently when he went to his step-sister's house for Father's Day, everyone asked him about the details of how we met. His Mum also asked how I was more than once in one day. It's nice to know she's thinking of me so often. Hopefully not in a bad way though!

How weird to think I was the topic of conversation between people I've never even met.

When we had to part, he said, "Uhm... I'll call... is today too soon?" and I was like, "No!" so he said, "Oh cool, we get to talk later then! Is after 10 ok?" My heart melted a little (probably because I was in that kind of mood). Just the fact that he's still worried about calling me too soon, even though he wants to. It kinda makes me want him more when he gets worried that he's coming on too strong.

After lunch, I got chatting with my supervisor (who can also speak POBian) and she told me her boyfriend absolutely loves it when she speaks it. So I said my boyfriend also loves it when I speak it. It was the first time I mentioned David at work. She asked if he was Aussie too so I said he was from South America. She was like, "Biatch! Ah! Do you have a photo?!" and then started fanning herself. I don't know why I still get surprised at these sort of reactions. Why do people expect all South Americans to be hot? They should look at his friends. They'll quickly change their minds.

When I got home, at 7pm the phone rang and it was him. He called to tell me he couldn't call later because he had to go to his step-sister's but wanted to let me know not to wait up. This sort of consideration makes feel like falling in love with him. Especially since this happened after April told me how one of the guys (that she liked) at uni said he'll call (even giving a specific day) but didn't and then acted as if it was no big deal.

Why am I starting to miss David already? I've seen and talked to him today. Just want to hold his hand...

But I Do Love You

Ok, scratch the last entry. I had the most enjoyable time with David last night. If only it was like that every time.

I was a his house and we just 'chilled'. (Sorry, I can't write that word without the quotation marks in that context as part of a casual sentence.) It would've been a great time to plan our trip (the one I was supposed to go on with Sally but didn't work out) but I totally forgot about it.

We were standing in the corner of his balcony, just under the edge of the roof and it was raining inches away from us. We could see his street from up there. And this might not be anything special but I found the whole scene so romantic. Who needs flowers and all the other typical romance stuff when you can have moments like this?

Later, when it got too cold and we went inside, his sister burst in the room. As soon as she saw me sitting on his bed and David lying down, her hands flew up to cover her eyes and cried, "Oh my God! I'm sorry!" and slammed the door. I tried to tell her we weren't doing anything, just talking but she wouldn't listen.

I told David to make sure to tell her we weren't doing what she thought we were. Not 100% sure how she could've thought we were doing anything other than talking. Ok, so he was lying on his bed, but so what? I was just sitting down. David didn't seem to be bothered by this incident at all. I said, "She'll probably go and tell your Mum what she 'thought' we were doing! She might ask you!" and he was really laid back about it and said, "If she asks, I'd tell her it's none of her business". I was like, "No no no! You have to tell her we weren't doing anything, otherwise she'll assume!" and he said, "Like she isn't assuming already!"

Ok, so I realise it could've been much more embarrassing but does it really make a difference what we were actually doing when his sister thought we were doing something inappropriate?

I don't know how he can be so relaxed about this. Next time I'll make sure we're standing in the opposite corners of the room so all assumptions can be held in check. (Somehow I don't see David agreeing to this, but I can always try.)

He told me his Mum gave him some condoms and said, "Just be careful" which dissolved me into a fit of giggles 'cause imagining that scenario was just too funny. If only she realised the irony of it.

Then I saw this on his shelf:

He said he found it at uni and that I could have it. I was like, "No thanks" 'cause I really didn't want any more tacky rubbish (especially God knows where it's been) but he kept insisting, "It says how I feel"...........WHAT?!

"But you don't love me!"

"Yeah I do," he murmured.

"No you don't!" (I realise now this could've been just 'a bit' offensive).

Then he said, "You know, I do love you" and I was like "But what do you mean by 'love'? Like you 'love' seafood?". He just looked at me like I was a complete alien, laughed and said, "No, not like seafood". I said, "You probably mean like you adore me" and he said, "No, I don't adore you". Well then! I wouldn't mind being adored but maybe he thought 'adore' was stronger than 'love'. I was going to ask him but then thought better of it and kept my mouth shut.

Still not sure what he meant because how can you love someone (the proper serious way) but not adore them? Maybe he loves me as a friend. In that case, I love him too.

When Is It Right?

I cleaned out my room, hoping it might help me clean out the mess in my brain.

How can you know if a person is just not right for you or if you're being too idealistic? What's the difference between 'settling' and 'accepting your partner with their faults'? Because I just can't understand that invisible distinction.

I freaking hate being single and don't want to go back to it if I can help it. But dragging things out with David will not help me find the illusive RG. I just want the relationship to feel totally right and my current one doesn't feel like that. I think David was right about me trying to convince myself that I like him. And I don't mean the casual 'like'. There's a misconnection somewhere between us. Lately I've been thinking it must be his lack of wit. Sure he can make me laugh but I don't remember us having one of those sharp conversations that I have with April. And the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that's what's wrong. Plus add his tendency towards risky behaviour and a quite different view on life makes me want to stop this relationship before both of us (but especially him) get hurt.

I met up with him last night and it didn't go too well. We were supposed to meet in the city after work (and when he fnished uni). I planned on taking him to this really cool little place which sells the yummiest Chinese pineapple buns. At 5pm, he called to tell me to meet him at a totally inconvenient place because he decided to surprise me by taking me to a beach area (and he even took his car to uni so we could get there). I told him I had to buy a train ticket (since I didn't get a weekly) and it would take a while for me to get there. He said not to worry and that he would pick me up somewhere closer for me. One problem: there is nowhere to park in the city.

I went to find somewhere he could stop but made a mistake and told him the wrong street because I got distracted by some drop-dead gorgeous Latino looking guy in a suit calling me gorgeous and asking me if I knew how many guys used viagra. Creepy. David ended up finding some spot and came to meet me at the train station. I waited for forty minutes. I know he had good intentions in surprising me but I was so irritated at having to wait for so long because it was stupid to drive to the city in the first place. Where did he expect to pick me up? He didn't think ahead at all.

I made myself focus on the bright side: my boyfriend wanted to do something nice for me. When we got to the beach and went for a walk, we got into a discussion on superficiality. His views were quite narrow which really started to bug me. I told him how he shouldn't concentrate on insignificant issues so much. Then he started saying stupid macho stuff that really got on my nerves. Then, he told me that I think I'm better than everyone else and that I'm very condescending. So I said, "at least I'm open-minded" and he said I wasn't being open-minded about his views. Well, is it possible to be open-minded about views that are shallow? Exactly. He said I always compared everyone to myself and no one could be perfect. I said I wasn't perfect. He said he felt I looked down on him. I didn't say I did. I hate my superiority complex but I can't help it, only April understands because she has the same.

I think this argument got diffused when he tried to make me think that what he was saying was actually the same as what I was saying. I kinda felt good that he was getting worried about what I thought of him.

We got some take-away and ate it in a little shed overlooking the ocean. He started saying how much he missed me and that he felt like he hasn't spoken with me for a year (even though we've only talked the night before). It always shoots up my ego to know I can have such an effect on a guy. Then he said how he felt like he was getting really attached to me, which kinda got me a little worried. If I break up with him, he's going to get really hurt.

Afterwards, we went to another park where we had a pretty big argument. I could even feel tears well up. It started to be about religion but then it turned a little too personal. He said things he shouldn't have. When he saw how silent I got (because I didn't want him to see I felt like crying and any word that would come out of my mouth would sound all choked up), he said he didn't want us to hate each other. So I said, "I never said I hated you. But if you hate me..." and he said, "I don't hate you! I love you!" And he emphasised it. I didn't make any big deal about him saying that because I think he was just saying to stress that he didn't hate me. Which I knew already.

I told him it was really hurtful what he said about me not getting a job, especially that he knew how sensitive I was about it. He apologised and said he didn't really mean what he said. Told me arguments make couples stronger. I was going to add "Unless you push the other person away" but didn't. I asked him that in the future never to make personal attacks 'cause they're hard to forget. He also said he actually didn't mind our arguments because he liked how I challenged him.

He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't want to lose me. Was also glad he said he realised now that our relationship can never be perfect (as he told me it could before). Thank God, being perfect is too much pressure.

The whole night raised so many question marks around this relationship, I honestly don't know if it's worth stretching it out or if it's better to stop it before we both get so used to it, we aren't able to get out.