When Is It Right?

I cleaned out my room, hoping it might help me clean out the mess in my brain.

How can you know if a person is just not right for you or if you're being too idealistic? What's the difference between 'settling' and 'accepting your partner with their faults'? Because I just can't understand that invisible distinction.

I freaking hate being single and don't want to go back to it if I can help it. But dragging things out with David will not help me find the illusive RG. I just want the relationship to feel totally right and my current one doesn't feel like that. I think David was right about me trying to convince myself that I like him. And I don't mean the casual 'like'. There's a misconnection somewhere between us. Lately I've been thinking it must be his lack of wit. Sure he can make me laugh but I don't remember us having one of those sharp conversations that I have with April. And the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that's what's wrong. Plus add his tendency towards risky behaviour and a quite different view on life makes me want to stop this relationship before both of us (but especially him) get hurt.

I met up with him last night and it didn't go too well. We were supposed to meet in the city after work (and when he fnished uni). I planned on taking him to this really cool little place which sells the yummiest Chinese pineapple buns. At 5pm, he called to tell me to meet him at a totally inconvenient place because he decided to surprise me by taking me to a beach area (and he even took his car to uni so we could get there). I told him I had to buy a train ticket (since I didn't get a weekly) and it would take a while for me to get there. He said not to worry and that he would pick me up somewhere closer for me. One problem: there is nowhere to park in the city.

I went to find somewhere he could stop but made a mistake and told him the wrong street because I got distracted by some drop-dead gorgeous Latino looking guy in a suit calling me gorgeous and asking me if I knew how many guys used viagra. Creepy. David ended up finding some spot and came to meet me at the train station. I waited for forty minutes. I know he had good intentions in surprising me but I was so irritated at having to wait for so long because it was stupid to drive to the city in the first place. Where did he expect to pick me up? He didn't think ahead at all.

I made myself focus on the bright side: my boyfriend wanted to do something nice for me. When we got to the beach and went for a walk, we got into a discussion on superficiality. His views were quite narrow which really started to bug me. I told him how he shouldn't concentrate on insignificant issues so much. Then he started saying stupid macho stuff that really got on my nerves. Then, he told me that I think I'm better than everyone else and that I'm very condescending. So I said, "at least I'm open-minded" and he said I wasn't being open-minded about his views. Well, is it possible to be open-minded about views that are shallow? Exactly. He said I always compared everyone to myself and no one could be perfect. I said I wasn't perfect. He said he felt I looked down on him. I didn't say I did. I hate my superiority complex but I can't help it, only April understands because she has the same.

I think this argument got diffused when he tried to make me think that what he was saying was actually the same as what I was saying. I kinda felt good that he was getting worried about what I thought of him.

We got some take-away and ate it in a little shed overlooking the ocean. He started saying how much he missed me and that he felt like he hasn't spoken with me for a year (even though we've only talked the night before). It always shoots up my ego to know I can have such an effect on a guy. Then he said how he felt like he was getting really attached to me, which kinda got me a little worried. If I break up with him, he's going to get really hurt.

Afterwards, we went to another park where we had a pretty big argument. I could even feel tears well up. It started to be about religion but then it turned a little too personal. He said things he shouldn't have. When he saw how silent I got (because I didn't want him to see I felt like crying and any word that would come out of my mouth would sound all choked up), he said he didn't want us to hate each other. So I said, "I never said I hated you. But if you hate me..." and he said, "I don't hate you! I love you!" And he emphasised it. I didn't make any big deal about him saying that because I think he was just saying to stress that he didn't hate me. Which I knew already.

I told him it was really hurtful what he said about me not getting a job, especially that he knew how sensitive I was about it. He apologised and said he didn't really mean what he said. Told me arguments make couples stronger. I was going to add "Unless you push the other person away" but didn't. I asked him that in the future never to make personal attacks 'cause they're hard to forget. He also said he actually didn't mind our arguments because he liked how I challenged him.

He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't want to lose me. Was also glad he said he realised now that our relationship can never be perfect (as he told me it could before). Thank God, being perfect is too much pressure.

The whole night raised so many question marks around this relationship, I honestly don't know if it's worth stretching it out or if it's better to stop it before we both get so used to it, we aren't able to get out.