All I Want

I have never wanted anyone as much as I want David. All day all I could think about was him. When I woke up, during breakfast, on the bus to the city, during lunch with uni friends, on the bus back home. Every minute he was on my mind. My whole body keeps aching for him to be with me. This is totally irrational as I've only seen him last night.

Unlike Friday when I wasn't enjoying him so much (especially during the religion thing), yesterday was totally the opposite. Just felt such a high from being with him. He was showing me photos of his uni friends in South America and I noticed there was a folder on his computer called "My Sky". Talk about being surprised. He had a folder just for photos of me. Although to a normal person this might seem a bit freaky, to me it was so sweet. Plus he saves absolutely everything to do with me. And I mean everything. A couple of weeks ago I wrote him a note on his notepad when he wasn't looking so he'd only discover it after I'd leave. And this week I noticed it cut out and pasted to the post-it note on which I was doodling and did a little drawing of him. Since he pasted the note really well (so I couldn't take it off without ripping the post-it sketches), I made him let me rub it out because it was personal and I was a bit panicked that his whole family saw it. Wrote a more casual one in its place.

When I first told April that he put up my original scribble on the post-it note, she said, "Are you sure he doesn't have a shrine dedicated to you, with candles and everything?" And although that's kinda funny to imagine, a part of me finds the idea of a guy worshipping me kinda cool.

When he found pictures of his uni friends, I saw his ex-girlfriend. I was shocked by how similar she looked to me. Only much much better looking. She had the same hair and smile but looked absolutely gorgeous. I got worried that since she was the same type as me, it would be so easy to compare us. But I'd never measure up. I guess I should concentrate that he's with me now. And he has a folder just for me. Surely that must mean something. If only she wasn't so stunningly beautiful. I know I should stop being so insecure but it's hard because I want to feel like I'm not just another girlfriend in his long line of relationships. I want to be the special one.

Should concentrate on how he's been nothing but wonderful to me yesterday (and lots of days before that). I was saying to him that if relationships are only supposed to be really exciting in the beginning, then how long does this beginning last? And he said, "You'll always be my girlfriend". I asked him what he meant and he said, "You'll always be my beginning". I had to remind myself to breathe.

He knows just how to melt my heart. Sometimes just the way he looks at me (like he can see right inside me) or how he takes my hand (radiating heat) or talks to me (like I'm the most important person in the world). Sometimes I feel like I can put up with all his bad points because of how much I'm addicted to his good ones. When there was a song that went, "The more you give, the more I want," he said, "That's exactly how I feel! You're my addiction".

I honestly don't know how I'm planning on breaking up with him. I can't deal even a day without him.

So can't wait till our trip when we have three whole days of just being together and not worrying about things like driving home late. God, I miss him so much already, I think I might burst inside.