Another Ride

Another Ride

That conversation that I had with Max on Monday has put me on my "Max Rollercoaster". My hopes are gaining speed and soon I will reach the top before falling.

It's weird reading through our old emails. It's like being back in time. It's nice knowing that next week I might talk to him again, on a completely different level now.

When I talk to him on the phone, I feel like he's just another one of my friends. And it's the little things that he does that make me like him more. Like the way he kept saying, "Mm..." while I was telling some story to let me know he was listening. It seems like such a ridiculous unimportant tiny thing to notice but it really stuck with me. He was really good listener. Kinda familiar in some way. And just lots of other seemingly insignificant things like that that tug at my thoughts.

I know that if we lose contact again, I will be annoyed at myself for feeling like this about him. And for some strange reason, the fact that April knows about him makes me like him more. The way she was shocked that I haven't met a guy I've kept in contact with for almost 5 years after how much we complain that we don't know any good guys. And how we say that at our stage right now, almost anyone would do, but then there's someone who's better than just anyone and I don't do anything about it. To her, the Max thing seemed so simple. After hearing how old he was and that he lived 20 minutes away, she was stunned and asked, "Is he nice?!" like that was the only thing that was preventing me from meeting him.

I so need to talk to her about this. I need her advice. Although, I'm pretty sure I know what it will be.

Maybe Max changed his mind about meeting me and he wants to now. I'd meet him in a second. I've had plenty of time in the last 5 years to imagine countless scenarios about what it would be like.

I really need to not sound as clingy to him as I sound right now 'cause I know it'll put him off.

There are so many things I want to talk to him about. One thing about him is that he's great to talk to about deep stuff. Not that I've talked much with him about it. But even how we were talking about what it's like to live alone ('cause he has been recently) and he was saying that it's weird to come home in the evening and there's no one there. The way he was saying it made me see myself in the future doing the exact same thing. Living the great spinster's life.

If I met him and became friends with him, he's the type of guy I could make a pact with that if we're both unmarried by a certain age, we'd marry each other. Although those sorts of pacts scare me because it's like you're asking to marry that person when you're old. I mean if it's meant to happen, might as well do it earlier.

I wonder what April would think if I told her that Bus Guy looked like Max. I were her, I'd go through all of our conversations because if she did, she'd see lots of hints about him. I mean, there were numerous times when I wanted to tell her. But didn't. And then was glad about that. The next day I'd breathe a sigh of relief and think, "Phew, that was close". I wish I could do that now but I can't. It's too late.

Can't wait till Andy gets back on Monday. I want to talk him. I was so shocked to see him at the train station when I was waiting for April on Thursday. I had to stop myself from giving him a hug 'cause I knew it would've embarrassed him. At home, he's always my little brother and nothing else but in public, he's so many other things. Only outside of home, I see that he's not just an extension of myself but his own person. Who's not even a kid anymore. I miss him.

When I think of how we're both adults now (well, he's almost one), and how I'll have to move out at one point and what I'll hate the most about that is that Andy won't be around all the time and we won't be able to muck around the way we still do now.

Anyway, as you can see from this long post, I'm overthinking everything too much. Need to stop.