In The Right Direction

In The Right Direction

I've fulfilled my goals for today.

I enroled in the dancing course and I got two interviews (at a media and a publishing company). Well, I didn't actually call up these places. I answered their job ads last week and they got back to me. But the outcome is the same so I'm quite happy. To be honest, I'm very happy 'cause I didn't expect to get those interviews since I haven't got any (except one) for 2 months I've been looking.

Wonder how April's first day in Law is going...

Behind the Smile. Taking Charge of My Dreams

Behind the Smile

My Dad's cousin and her husband left today so it's back to just the four of us.

Last night I went to Claudia's friend birthday party. It was quite a family gathering. So many relatives! I loved the atmosphere! Her boyfriend came from overseas for it. They met online. Just throught I'd mention that. He told everyone he loved her, really emotionally during the speeches. The girl was already teary after her best friend's speech. Then her kid brother did the sweetest speech. It reminded me of when Andy was little and cute. Her Mum also mentioned that it was hers and her husband's 25th anniversary and someone asked jokingly, "Do you think you can make another 25?" and she said looking lovingly at her husband, "I wouldn't have it any other way". I had this wide cheesy grin on my face but inside I felt like crying.

Didn't really get to talk to the guys, except her cousin who was drunk and an idiot. He kept asking me the same questions over and over again. He was shocked I had a uni degree and wasn't 21 yet. April and Claudia found it really amusing. I was annoyed he wasn't sober and smart.

Today I went to help out at a festival. Kim turned out to be there! Shouldn't have been surprised since she loves doing stuff like that. Saw some celebrities there which only reminded me how much I want to work in the media/film/televsion industry. I'm always in my element when I have to organise and deal with people. I get all this energy that I never expect to have in me. One guy proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone. I've never witnessed such things before. I couldn't stop smiling. Tried to block out the pain from surfacing.

Taking Charge of My Dreams

Since I don't have uni anymore, I'm going to devote my time to achieving my dreams. No more excuses or fear of failure. You only live once.

Dream 2: achieve an advanced/performance level of dance
Dream 3: find a job I'm passionate about

(Dream 1 was to go to USA and I've achieved that.)

These may seem a bit silly (especially the first one) but I know it's possible to become advanced in salsa in a few years. The other styles take longer and I have the disadvantage of not doing enough when I was little. The second dream seems impossible but I will do everything in my power for it to happen.

My Plan:
Dream 2: enrol in the beginner course (next week)
Dream 3: call up production/media companies and ask for graduate/entry-level jobs or work experience (since just answering job ads hasn't been very successful).

Main obstacle: loss of motivation
Must not give up!

I guess the reason I'm writing this here is so there's more pressure for me to follow through.

Different People

Different People

I think I decided that even if Andy won't join the dancing course with me, I'm going to do it anyway. By myself. He said he'll come to the casual class on Thursday but I think that's as far as he's going to go. I'm just counting on him to really like it next week and want to do the course.

Must remember that doing things by myself will force me to meet more people. And it's pretty obvious that the majority of the guys that join these classes are there to meet girls. The other few were forced to come by their girlfriends, and the rest are gay. Girls do the classes because they actually like to dance.

April was teasing me about me wanting to do them just to meet guys. Which, honestly, couldn't be further from the truth. The guys are just a bonus. I'm serious.

Last night I got a message from the temp agency but for some reason I only got the message at 8pm and it was too late to call back. I'm a bit disappointed to miss out on a job.

Tonight I'll be going to Claudia's friend's birthday party. More meeting opportunities. April and I were surprised that she didn't want to take Mike with her. Oh well. If I had a boyfriend, I would be ecstatic about being able to show him off to everyone and have a permanent guy to take everywhere. But everyone's different. She didn't even care about getting a boyfriend. But that's how these things usually work. If you don't really want something, you're more likely to get it.

More Dancing

More Dancing

I think I'm getting back into my dancing obsession. Which is definitely better than any guy obsession. Well, one particular guy specifically.

I'm thinking of doing a course. Since I don't really want to go by myself, I'm going to try and force, I mean pressure, I mean encourage my brother to come with me. He will be especially useful when everyone has to get into pairs at the beginning. After that, people rotate so it doesn't make a difference. It's the initial awkwardness (that happened when April and I went on Thursday) of finding a guy to partner with, especially if you're standing near the couples, like we did unintentionally.

This is going to be something new to get excited about.

Job and Dancing

Job and Dancing

I got a student to tutor. I wish I had a proper job so I wouldn't have to do it. I called her today and she didn't sound very nice - like her parents were making her get a tutor and she wants nothing to do with it. I just can't wait. Was also thinking of turning it down 'cause it'll take me 20 minutes (at least) to get there and it's not really worth for an hour lesson. But I need money. I'm slowly running out of my savings.

Went to a latin dance class tonight with April. It was the best fun! And the guy-girl numbers were pretty even. There were a couple of guys who stank so bad, I couldn't wait for us to rotate partners. Some were a bit controlling - "No, I'm the one leading! You have to wait until I motion for you to turn!". I felt like saying, "Well, lead correctly then!" but I didn't. God, that guy was getting all the steps wrong. All the cute guys were there with their girlfriends. There were a few alone guys there but one was a bit too old (even though he was a hot South American) and the other guy ignored me when I was about to come up to him and ask if he wanted to dance (since we get some practice time at the end with whoever we want).

Too bad April can't come next week 'cause she has a long day on Thursday at uni. Might have to drag my brother. Although it didn't work very successfully today. Will have to use my usual strategy - "There are lots of girls your age" which isn't totally correct (since there was only one his age) but who pays attention to details.

The beginner class was SO easy, completely unlike the other beginner dance class that I went to (that leaves me puffing and sore for the next few days). I might only do a couple more of them and move to Intermediate. Something that would be impossible at the other class.

Anyway, all I need now is a job. (I finished my work experience website and they loved it, yay! They decided to reward me by giving me a variety of their products for free. I think they should give me money but they don't think the same. Pfft.)

Oh, and a boyfriend.

Judging Myself

Judging Myself

This is so typical.

He must've expected me to say that I was going to be busy because after I told him that I wasn't doing anything on Friday, he said he was going into the city. And that's it. No question or suggestion for meeting.

Anyway, I hope everyone knows that I'm fully aware that I'm making a much bigger deal of this than necessary. I always make a big deal out of such things. Simply because I have nothing that's worth making a big deal about. So I just blow up little things and pretend they mean more than they really do. I always get carried away in my head. I think I've mentioned that there's usually a lot more going on inside my head than outside it.

And I'm starting to worry of people who read this blog judging me. And I used to love writing here because for some reason before I didn't care. This will probably pass.

Like, who cares what you really think!

(See, the worry is gone already.)

Bad Timing

Bad Timing

Oh no.

No no no.

Max asked me what I was doing on Friday which means he wants to meet then.

He's dragged it out so long, I don't know if I want to meet him anymore.

But if I don't, I might really really regret it.

Don't know what to do. I wish I was in that state where I desperately want to meet him 'cause if I go without any enthusiasm, I know it's going to be really awkward. Indifference makes me quiet. And quiet is not what would make this meeting comfortable. Also, feeling that he's only doing it 'cause he knows I want to, won't make it any easier.

He always waits until it's bad timing.

I feel really torn. My new attitude makes me want to cut this off but my old one can come back in a few weeks time (closer to my birthday) and make me regret not meeting him. Especially since it's not going to be possible then. I'll have to wait even longer.

Argh...

Repeat: Do Not Need Max

Repeat: Do Not Need Max

Met up with April today to watch Bride and Prejudice. I got such a sore throat that I wanted to cancel but then remembered how much I hate it when people cancel at the last minute so took lots of throat lozenges, drank lots of tea and went to meet her.

The movie wasn't that great but it was entertaining for a bit.

Watched Dancing With The Stars tonight. I love that show! It never fails to put a smile on my face. It's making me want to go dancing again. Speaking of which, I went to a dancing class last week. I could barely keep up. I'm getting so unfit. Going to try drag April to a ballroom dancing one on Thursday. Even though she said yes, I'm expecting something to go wrong. I bet she caught my cold today and will be sick.

I'm also getting my sense back and thinking that I need to pull myself together. I can stop clinging to Max, even if it means I have no one else. There were times when I didn't feel like I needed Max just because there was no one else so it is possible. I'm strong. That's right, go me. (I'm giving the success of this pep talk to last until Max's next email. So a day or so. But hey, gotta start somewhere. And must not think of turning 21 without having any relationships. Ok, it's going downhill already.)

New subject. I'm tired and going to sleep. Good night.

Desperate For More

Desperate For More

Just finished watching Desperate Housewives (since I got distracted halfway through yesterday by the work experience people). Another excellent episode. Loved how the twins painted the girl blue. Loved how Bree joined her son at the strip club. I thought it was so funny how she goes to her son's friend, "You were great in church on Sunday" (or something like that). And that old guy getting distracted by Bree's speech on the stripper's life.

Oh and how Gabrielle's husband punched the cable guy but he turned out to be gay. (It was clever of the writers to make him comment on Gabrielle's purfume earlier in the show.)

And Gabrielle was funny when she went to visit her lover-boy on the football field and his other team mates started staring. She goes to him, "Did you tell them about us?!!" and he goes, "No, they're staring 'cause they think you're hot" and so she starts smiling and waving at them.

And that Mrs Hoober (or whatever her name is) is so evil, it's great! The actress who plays her is hilarious!

Surprises and Other Things Not So Surprising

Surprises and Other Things Not So Surprising

Claudia has a boyfriend. I'm not supposed to know. (And neither are you.)

April found out when she went out with Ellen and her tonight. The one I didn't want to go to.

This boyfriend is Mike! Remember the guy I talked about here? I was quite shocked. Definitely didn't see that coming. Apparently it's serious 'cause they even met each other's parents.

April and I are the only ones who are left without boyfriends now. Wanted to talk about Max again, but thought that April felt bad enough about lack of guys as it is and she'd think I don't understand just 'cause I 'know' him.

He sent me another email saying he's leaving for 7 weeks! I don't call that a 'short while'. I hate clinging to him so much 'cause he's not even worth it. But without him, I don't have any hope. At least for the last few weeks, I could sort of see something possibly developing but now I see it faded somewhere in the future. But then, it'll probably float away even further.

I don't understand what's wrong with him. He used to want to meet so much. Ages ago. It even used to get to me that he was being so persistent. Now it's completely reversed. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend so it can't be that. Not that being in a relationship should prevent him since we'd only be meeting as friends.

Is he just lazy? I really don't get it.

Of course it could be that he's not who he says he is which would confirm my paranoia, but the chances of that are too slim.

Those 7 weeks seem like such a long time. I've waited long enough. I can't wait any longer.

Maybe I'm dreaming the whole thing and he really doesn't exist.

I don't know.

I want a job. A good one. With lots of opportunities to meet RG.

April: people with boyfriends have no right to complain.
me: maybe that's what poor people who have no food say about us.
April: I bet they're saying, "I have no food but at least I have someone who loves me and who I love back."

What's Happening With Max

What's Happening With Max

Since April knows about Max but won't mention him, I love teasing her about it. Like, I'd say something that obviously refers to him and she knows it but we'd both pretend that I'm talking generally about no one specific.

Yesterday I really wanted to tell her that I decided to meet him but something inside me held back.

I emailed him suggesting a time and place (and wishing him a happy birthday - he turned 25). Then, a few minutes later, I get a message from him asking what I'm up to. I thought he wanted to suggest meeting up right then. I asked what he was doing and he messaged back saying he was out drunk. I thought he was so over getting drunk 'cos he kept saying that he doesn't anymore since he knows how I feel about such things. For a moment I changed my mind about meeting him.

But then thought, it's not like I didn't know that. I just moved that information to the back of my mind. What the hell.

Today I got an email from him saying that he's really busy this week and next week he's leaving for a 'short while' so I don't know what's happening now.

I just want to meet him and get it over and done with. It's dragging on too long.

Catch-22

Catch-22

So I didn't get that job. I was more upset because of the feeling of rejection rather than not getting a job I wanted. I'm over it now. The feeling of relief has overpowered the feeling of rejection. I don't have to travel 2 hours there and back! I don't have to spend 10 - 12 hours in the tiny corner of that huge office with salespeople trying to outscream each other. I don't have to deal with the boss who kept calling me 'darling' way too many times. I didn't hear him call the other guys that.

So yeah, that means I'm back to unemployment.

I lowered my standards today and called up a few office administration jobs. Immediately got an interview from which I just got back. The guy asked me curiously why I would want to work there when I have a university degree. I wanted to yell, "Because it's not helping me get a job that I'm suited to" but of course I didn't. I changed the subject and told him how confident I was in doing data entry and answering phone calls. He was looking at me like what's wrong with this girl. He said he'd be in touch. Pftt, yeah right.

Also called up a place that offerred an administration traineeship. When the woman asked if I held any certificates and I said I had a uni degree, she said that disqualifies me from being accepted.

I'm finding this quite funny now. I can't get an easy job because I'm overqualified and I can't get a proper job because I'm not good enough.

Unemployment Sucks

Unemployment Sucks

Since I'm writing here, I'm obviously not at Sam's party. He changed the place to somewhere too hard to get to. And no one interesting is going anyway. Sally and Sophia decided not to go when I said I wasn't. Never thought I had so much influence. Power feels good. Even if it's not used in the best way.

Last night I got to talk to the POBian girl from my POBian class. I haven't spoken to her since the first semester of last year. She's been modelling overseas and is now working at a bar while finishing her degree. Sounded quite glamourous, really. Hearing stories like that doesn't really help my self-esteem. I'm such a sad case right now, being unemployed and boyfriendless.

Was also chatting to Ellen who invited me to a dinner next week and after deliberating whether I should make up an excuse, I decided to be truthful and just say that I was short on money. She then kept insisting on paying for me. Here's a hint: making me feel like a charity case isn't helpful.

April didn't hold back saying that excuse was my blanket excuse for not wanting to go out. I decided not to take it to heart. Wanted to say that her blanket excuse was being sick but didn't want to sink to that level. It's not like I'm totally broke but I have to make priorities and if I was employed, I would've went just to be polite. However, since I don't have a job, I only spend my savings on what I want.

If I don't get the job on Monday, I'm going to apply for a government allowance. God, that's so sad but I don't think I have a choice. I guess I could look at it as when I do get a job, I'll pay the allowance back in my taxes.

Really don't like my place in life right now. But hey, things should get better, right?

Creepy Tourist and Inconsiderate Kids

Creepy Tourist and Inconsiderate Kids

Today I got picked up by a creepy Japanese tourist while I was waiting for Sally. When he asked me to show him around, I quickly got my mobile and called her to hurry her up. Then later, some high school guy said hello to me and Sally said, "Do you always attract freaks?" and after a few seconds of thought, I remembered that yes, I do.

And I found out I had one of those old complaining ladies syndromes in me. I realised this when we were at the cinema and this group of high school kids would yell and scream throughout the WHOLE movie! I was so ready to write a letter to their principal (not that it would get me my movie enjoyment back) that I even asked what school they went to.

I think everyone in the cinema was ready to get violent. I know I felt like shaking them. Some people even walked out.

The Same Ride

The Same Ride

Decided to email Max, just 'cause I felt like it. And he replied straight away saying that he's going to have some time off from Friday and we can meet up then and what 'my preference' is. God, so formal! I feel like numbering them (although I'm still not sure what he was referring to - time, place?)

Up I go, again, on my old never-ending rollercoaster.

Desperate Housewives Is Good For the Brain

Desperate Housewives Is Good For the Brain

I'm so in love with "Desperate Housewives" I have to tape it so I can watch it more than once. I've never done that before.

How funny was the bit when Susan locked herself out totally naked?! But it was cool how she turned out to be one of the strongest women in the bunch, the way she used her embarrassing story to make someone else feel less embarrassed and the way she had the strength to accept that her ex-husband will never apologise for cheating on her.

I love the character development. At first I saw how weak Susan was but now I can see that she has more inner-strength than the others.

Bree was so horrible to embarrass her husband the way she did. And I really don't see how she's pretty as most other people think. She looks scary and evil. Which makes her character great.

The writing is so funny too. And you can tell every little thing that happens has a reason.

Anyway, the way Susan got spotted by the other guy while she was lying in the bushes naked made me wonder if it would be less embarrassing to be caught naked by a strange guy or a strange girl... I think if the person was around my age, I'd prefer a guy because I'd feel too intimidated if it was some girl. Don't ask why. But if it was an old person, I'd much prefer a lady because being seen naked by an old man is too creepy.

That's what I've been thinking on the train today, coming back from yet another temp agency interview. I always get the weirdest thoughts on the train. I think sitting for too long in one place inspires me in some odd way. Hmm... I wonder if people sitting in jail get interesting thoughts...

Working Forever

Working Forever

If I have to work every day the way I worked yesterday, I don't want to work at all.

The company for which I had a trial day yesterday is insane. Most of them work 12 hour days. The rest work 11 hours.

For the whole day, I can truthfully say that my mind did not have a single thought about anything other than the work I was doing. There was simply not enough time. And you know what an easily distracted person I usually am.

The 2 hour travel time there and back didn't make things easier. By the time I got home I was ready to fall down right at the door and not get up.

If I don't get the job, I will not get upset. I will feel very relieved not to have to work like that every single day.

Although this job would be such a leap for my career because I would be creating real ads all by myself and not helping some senior person (as I expected to be doing after graduating from uni).

If I got at least 3 years of experience doing that work, I would be able to apply to high positions that I would only expect to apply to after 30 and skip all the mid-weight design work (since I would be starting at that level in that job).

And maybe it wouldn't be as hectic as it was on my trial day since I really don't think I'd be expected to make 5 professional quality ads in one day. And I'd also be the only girl in my department and the department next to mine. I defintely wouldn't mind that.

Anyway, both sides have advantages and disadvantages. I'll just have to wait to see what my future has in store for me.

Just Fine

Just Fine

I was reading this and it's making me want to visit America again. But this time not just for the touristy stuff but to actually live there for a bit. I stress 'a bit'. It's not enough to visit a place for a few days to get the feel of its culture.

Although, I'm pretty sure I won't be visiting America until I visit Europe. I've been wanting to go to Scandinavia for ages now.

I really need a job. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. It's like I know it's inevitable for them to reject me. I can very rarely come up with great ideas immediately. I need some time to think first.

Oh well, it'll give me something to do.

Having finished as much of the website as I could, I'm now waiting for the company to actually give me the photos of their products. Something I don't see happening anytime soon. I want to finish it as soon as possible though to get it out of the way.

Desperate Housewives are on tonight! Yay! That show always gets me excited 'cause I love solving mysteries (especially ones that don't involve gore, police, detectives and forensic investigators). Psychological mysteries are the best. It's the first show which I've checked the Australian message boards (since I'm too scared to check the American ones and seeing spoilers). I've already come up with all the theories the people on those message boards have thought of so there wasn't anything new to peak my interest.

I'm feeling quite content today, even though it is Valentine's Day and I don't have a boyfriend to make it worthwhile. For some reason I just feel happy. I think it's because we've had quite a few relatives over the last couple of days and I'm feeling quite loved without any guys around.

The Sport Divide

The Sport Divide

Another random thought:

Do sporty guys only like sporty girls?

Realistic Romantic

You Are A Realistic Romantic

You are more romantic than 70% of the population. It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Very Valentine

Very Valentine

I'm so glad Valentine's day is on Monday this year and not the weekend like last year. I'm not as depressed about it as I expected to be. I was going to email Max tomorrow but I don't want to do it on Valentine's day. Which is stupid 'cause it's just a date.

I've read an article about a woman travelling to 80 countries to look for her soulmate (and wrote a book about it). And she found him! I'm a bit cynical about it though and expect them to break up in the near future. But I hope they don't. I love it when people work hard to achieve their goals. It makes me feel like if I put my mind to it, I could do it too, and it's not all just random acts of fate. Although if fate wants to give me a miracle, I wouldn't mind.

The Party. April Upsets.

The Party. April Upsets.

It amazes me sometimes how my Dad all of a sudden would notice something I'm wearing that I've worn tons of time before like it's the first time I was dressed like that.

Dad: you look pretty today! Going on a date?
(In my head: I wish.)
Dad (to Mum, yelling across the house allowing my Dad's cousin and her husband who are staying with us at the moment to hear very clearly): did you see what she's wearing?!

I was so embarrassed. You'd think I was wearing something slutty like... nothing. Don't even want to think what my Aunt and her husband thought I was wearing. I quiety sneaked out so I wouldn't have 2 extra pairs of eyes checking out my jeans and top. My Dad can be so embarrassing. It's not like I'm 13.

I came to the club (where the party was held) on time and was the first one there. (Last time I came on time, I was one of the last people). Some other girl who I didn't know came. I wanted to come up and start talking to her but I just couldn't make myself.

Soon afterwards, Sally came so that was cool. She reminds me of April in some ways but less conservative and shyer. It would be good if she made more effort to keep in touch. She said she wanted to but she was slipping into anti-sociableness even though she didn't want to. It's probably 'cause she's shy. Like, she didn't even want to ask a few people to move so she could get out to go to the bathroom - I asked for her which I think embarrassed her and I felt kinda bad about it afterwards.

After Sally, Sam came so the three of us talked for an hour before the host came. There weren't actually as many people from uni as I expected. There was a lot of dancing (even though the girls had to be dragged onto the dance floor) so I was happy.

I had to leave early 'cause I mixed up the train timetable and for some reason thought the last train was an hour before it actually was. Silly me. There was one ok guy at the party and if I had stayed for another hour, I could've actually got to talk to him.

Sam is having a party next week so I might go to that. Wish he had some nice guy friends to introduce me to but that's asking too much.

I was comforted by the fact that people who finished my degree are also having trouble finding work. So it's not just me.

Speaking of work, April really upset me on Friday. Ever since she got into Law, she's lost most of compassion for the difficulty in finding a career related job. She said that if I want to work so much, I should get a job in a shop or something.

Really wanted to remind her how when she was rejected from Law the first time, she couldn't even be bothered to look for any job, not like my every day routine of applying for any career-related job ad. I didn't get a uni degree to work in retail! (And, hey I did apply for temp work which she said wasn't really trying hard enough. That really made me mad.)

She always said that she wanted to be a lawyer so she could help people but this 'helping' seems so superficial now because if you really want to help people, why not start with people closest to you by being understanding, sincere and kind. And when she thought she wouldn't be a lawyer, I said that she could still help people by doing volunteer work or something but she said she didn't want to do that sort of helping. It's like the recognition for the 'helping' is what's important to her rather than the actual helping.

So yeah, I'm being bitchy. I prefer to call it venting.

Where I Am Now

Where I Am Now

I'm a bit over Max at the moment. He's getting on my nerves and I need a break from my game playing.

I've had my first real job interview yesterday and they want to give me a trial run so I'm too happy about that to pay attention to Max.

I'm pretty sure they won't hire me but I won't mind too much because it's really far for me to get to anyway.

Today, my Aunt Naomi came over with my baby cousin. He is the most adorable baby (other than my other cousin Allie). Every time I'd look at him or play with him or hold him, he'd start laughing. It melts my heart every time.

In other news, I'm not tutoring anymore because the girl I was supposed to tutor canceled at the last moment which really bugged me since I only paid my fee to the agency because this student's mother asked me to tutor her daughter this year.

Tomorrow a uni friend is having a party. Not really looking forward to it but since I've missed the last few, I should go and put some effort into my social life, especially revolving around uni people. If only I liked them as much as my high school friends, but hey I shouldn't complain. They're not that bad.

Secrets on Postcards

Secrets on Postcards

Since my 'secret reveleaing' board didn't really take off, check out PostSecret. People send their secrets on postcards to the owner of the site. Some seem so 'out there' that I have a suspicion they were made up.

The Max Game: Wrong Turn

The Max Game: Wrong Turn

I did a stupid stupid thing tonight. I think I just ruined my chances of meeting Max. I should know that timing is everything. I started off smartly this time (a few weeks ago), I waited for him to bring up meeting. Why couldn't I have just a little bit more patience and wait for him to organise it? Why did I have to bring it up when our conversation was at a low point and I was stalling and struggling to fill the silence? Did I have to bring up the subject at the worst time?

No, I don't expect you to answer any of my questions. They are just there to tell myself off for ruining my own plan.

I was reading a couple of blogs about relationships (no, I'm not talking about yours) and I was so quick to judge these people as being weak and I just wanted to tell them to get a grip (I'm still not talking about you). But then I thought, I'm being just as weak with the whole Max thing and I should get a grip. And really, I should.

But then, I thought I'm not like these people because I actually know what I'm doing. I know that I want to use Max because I can't find someone better. I know I'm playing with his mind because 5 years were long enough for me to know how he reacts to different things. I'm doing all this because I'm selfish (and some may see that as weak).

I guess I think being weak is when you can't control yourself but I'm controlling this situation like a puppet show. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. It's when I start feeling comfortable (like tonight) with how well my plan is going when it all starts coming apart.

I should've always been alert and not start to relax and say whatever comes to my mind, thinking that he really likes me anyway. Because he only likes a certain part of myself - the sweet, nice, funny (something that takes careful preparation) part. Today he saw a bit of the clingy and needy part and I hate that. And so does everyone.

His mood can also be responsible for not liking something I said that he would've liked if he had a better day. And I picked up that he wasn't in the best mood tonight and yet I kept saying things that were not helpful to my long-term plan.

Hopefully this wrong turn can be reversed so that 'the plan' is back on track.

Desperate Viewer

Desperate Viewer

Today is the first day in a loooooooong while when I'm really looking forward to a show on TV. Desperate Housewives is so addictive and I've only seen the first episode.

The Bachelor Home Companion - A Practical Guide To Keeping House Like a Pig

ROOF REPAIRS

Remember, when making roof repairs, the most important thing on the roof is... you. If you value yor hide, you'll get down from there this minute.

But if you really have to get a TV antenna up or you'll miss the National League playoffs, be sure to do it in a rainstorm. Wherever you're holding the antenna when lightning strikes is the place where it will get the best reception.

INSULATION

Fiberglass is the best insulation material.

Rolls of commercial fiberglass should be handled carefully because fiberglass can irritate the skin. Cover your face and limbs, wear gloves, and a hat. When you've got all this on you'll be warm and won't need insulation.

LAYING WALL-TO-WALL CARPET

You can lay wall-to-wall carpet yourself or you can take the carpet you have already and adjust the walls accordingly.

COOKING: VEGETABLES

Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno peper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

COOKING: FRUIT

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.

BACHELOR COOKING

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun.

For more helpful hints, check out "The Bachelor Home Companion" by P.J. O'Rourke.

My Blog, Two Readers - A Love Story

My Blog, Two Readers - A Love Story

Two readers have been reading my blog for a while. They both comment regularly, sometimes agreeing about intelligent issues raised in my posts, sometimes disagreeing. I enjoy reading their conversations in my comments box. So do lots of other readers. Lots of times, they move away from the subject of my entries to other topics.

After a while, those two readers only read my blog to see what the other posted (because face it, I don't write about intelligent issues). So do the other readers. My blog becomes boring compared to their blooming relationship created in my comments box. Even I find it more interesting than anything I've ever written.

Everyone holds their breath as one asks the other for her email address so they can talk 'in private'. I get mail from readers who are desperate for the two love-birds to continue their relationship in my comments box. I do my best to make them but my best just isn't good enough.

The two readers are quite understanding and let me know how their relationship is going so that I can post about it in my blog. I get tons of readers anxiously waiting for my every new post. I like the attention so it works out for everyone.

One day, I post an announcement about their engagement. My email gets flooded with letters about it. Being a responsible person, I don't reveal any of the details. I get invited to their wedding (since they got together because of me in the first place - something I had to remind them of because if I can't have my own wedding, I'd like to go to other people's ones).

I hate the wedding because it's too perfect.

They live happily ever after. I don't.

The End.

It's late. My mind wanders.

Goodbye Grandma

Goodbye Grandma

I just came back from the airport, saying goodbye to my grandma. I feel so sad now because it'll be at least another 3 years before I see her.

Before we left to the airport:

Grandma: Andy is coming to the airport to support me and you'll have to come to support your Mum. We'll probably start crying like last time.
me (jokingly): and who's going to support me?
Grandma: you don't need support. You're the strongest one.

I don't feel strong at all now. I know that in a week, I'll be back to normal but the first few days after she leaves are always hard 'cause it's like there's something missing. Something that I really got used to having around. And I loved how she always managed to calm my Mum's nerves and my Mum was generally more pleasant to be around. I loved how Grandma told off my Mum for her compulsive cleaning obsession and my Mum actually listened to her! She never listened to me when I got annoyed about it. My Grandma was a good influence on everyone here, even if she did get on my nerves sometimes when she got too inquiring about my life.

I miss her already. As soon as I get a job, I'm going to buy her a plane ticket to come here again. I'm even willing to sacrifice my next trip because it would make me happier to see my Mum and Grandma so happy.

I'm so lucky to have such a close-knit family. I just wish we all lived closer. Not oceans apart.

My Dad has been trying to cheer up my Mum but I don't think his joking around is making it better for her. Andy was also being really sweet. Got a message from Max and felt like calling him up to talk but it's defintely not a good idea to call him when I'm in an emotional state and might say things that I will later regret.

Just wish I had someone to make everything better. But for now, I'll have to make everything better by myself.

Dress Code Poll

Dress Code

Vote on my poll.

Paths Diverging

Paths Diverging

April will be moving to a suburb that's 2 hours away. I feel like a school child being upset about it.

It turned out that the uni that she got in is quite far and her Dad will be transferring to work there anyway so her whole family is going to move. She's the only person out of my close friends who actually lived close by but now there's no one. We won't be able to just meet up for a couple of hours because it would take longer to actually get to each other's place.

I know it's not another country but everything's going to be so different now. She'll be at uni for another 3 years, far away and I'll be unemployed and still here.

It's amazing how one thing (such as her getting into Law) would make such a big difference and diverge our lives (which have been running parallel for so long) so much.

I hate growing up and becoming adult.

Pressure Is Great For the Lazy

Pressure Is Great For the Lazy

Today I realised that I work best under pressure. A lot of pressure.

Yesterday, I got an email from a company that I applied for asking me to show them my work. The only good work I have are the logos that I've done so today I made a portfolio site so it could act as my web design work. I stuffed so many useless things in it, like my photos. Then, of course there always have to be problems with the code which takes ages to correct. After many problems, I managed to finish it and actually be happy with what I've done.

How many times did I postpone doing this? But give me a deadline and I get to it immediately.

Anyway, I've had a bit of a surprise today. April got into her post-grad course during the second round offers. I got so used to her being in the same position as me (relating to looking for full-time work) that I really had to get my mind around not being able to share this anymore. I hated that I felt sad for a moment about it.

She's so excited, which she should be. Why can't I be happier for her. Hopefully tomorrow when I see her, I can at least act excited because she deserves it. She worked really hard. I hate it when I feel so selfish.

It's weird remembering how only yesterday we were talking about how weird it would be never to go to uni again. Sigh.

Max messaged me today to see if I wanted to call him again ('cause he was at work alone). I sort of did but was really busy with finishing my site so didn't reply until almost 10 when I knew he would be leaving. I guess we'd have to talk another time.

Told Andy about everything that happened last week in regards to April and Max. Felt so good to have my brother on my side.

Watched "Desperate Housewives" on Monday which was absolutely great! Didn't expect it to be but it was. Now I have a show that I can really get into again.

The Continuing Saga of My Life

The Continuing Saga of My Life

Two things happened that moved my life a bit forward in the last two days.

First thing: Tim wants me to visit him. So very unexpected! I'm planning on avoiding him for at least a week. I have no idea how he decided that I liked him enough to go interstate.

Second thing: Max wants to meet up. Kinda unexpected, considering how he said last year that he doesn't want to meet me 'cause he thought it was pointless. Now, I know that only a few days ago I said that I'd meet him in a second. But now that I know that it's so very possible to become a reality, I'm getting nervous and anxious about it. Not sure what I'm going to do. Probably avoid him for at least a week too.

God, I love how I deal with these things - avoidance.

April still hasn't brought up our conversation. I'm not bringing it up but I think that if she did, I wouldn't mind.

My life is becoming so messy now. I have all these things that I wish I didn't. I want a nice clean life where I have a nice boyfriend who I actually like and not embarrassed about. Everyone would know about him and April and I would not have any stupid secrets from each other because I wouldn't feel the need to hide any of my squeaky clean life.