I Like Him, I Like Him Not

Sometimes I have a suspicion that I may have two personalities. Only an hour ago, I felt like I needed some time away from David, but now all of a sudden I have a strong urge to talk and see him.

I think the last three months have been a bit of a shock to my system. It was too weird to all of a sudden have something that I've wanted for so long and didn't believe was possible. Maybe it's finally sinking in. Maybe I'm waking up from the dream-like quality of my life.

How is it that some people are able to get right under our skin and attach themselves there, especially when they are not the type that you expect to want to be there? Why does David even like me? He wears his heart on his sleeve. I'm reserved. He likes to talk about how he feels. I become totally tongue-tied. He can be all over the place. I'm always in one spot. He sees everyone as equals. I slot people into compartments. He has several girls who would only be happy to be with him. What makes him want to be with me?

Last night, during our argument I was so testing him how much he liked me. Just kept stretching and stretching the boundaries. Pushing him away to see how far he could go. Because for that moment I wanted him to say that he wasn't sure about us. About me. And that would make everything easier because I wouldn't have to decide what I want. It'd be decided for me.

I want to know when I'm going to be totally sure about how I feel about him. Because this rollercoaster of being able to see a future with him to thinking I want someone better is very confusing.

Obviously, I'm just scared that if I break up with him, I will never find someone better and will always regret it. Experience taught me how freaking impossible it is to find anyone who might care even a fraction of how much he does and with whom I could share a connection.

Are relationships difficult in general or am I making them harder than they have to be?