Party Flow

David better not come early like last time. Must get ready early. What to wear. Want to wear a skirt and boots but don't want to drive in a skirt. Don't want to be overdressed and skirts usually look dressy. What if I have to sit on Nadine's low squishy couch? Skirts and that couch don't mix. Could be cold anyway. Ok, will wear jeans. Damn, I always always always wear jeans. Oh who cares. Hmm, I look same as always.

Mum: I got Nadine a small present from me. Oh, and got you this. I remember you said you wanted something blue.

Oooo. I love Nadine's present. Maybe I can keep it and give her my new blue bracelet. It's kinda too chunky anyway. And I don't remember Nadine wearing not real gold/silver earrings. It'll only be a waste. Yes, that's what I'll do. Cool, I have new jewellery.

There's still plenty of time till 5:30. I'll put some make-up. Hmm, now where was that grey eye shadow that Mum had... Fine, this indigo one will do. Oh God, that's too bright. Smudge smudge. All better. Now, some mascara. Oh no, it's too clumpy. My eyelashes are starting to look too unnaturally long. Oops, shouldn't have blinked. There is now a reflection of my eyelashes under my eyes. Some cold water. Will do. Finish off with lip gloss (my favourite piece of make-up). Can't go wrong with that. Check the result in the mirror. Not bad. From far away. I must be growing up since the thought of make-up doesn't put me off. It's the adult version of colouring in. Kept my reputation of not going outside the lines.

Check driving directions to Nadine's house. Oh wait. It's all reverse parking. No no. I still haven't done an angle reverse park. I've successfully managed to avoid them in my almost three years of driving. David already thinks I'm a horrible driver. Must not encourage that perspective.

Oh, it's 5:40 already! Where's David? Better not start anything in case it goes wrong (see last time).

Will go and chat to my parents in the kitchen.

"Well, since you're here, can you help with..."

Ding Dong!

Saved by the bell.

Run to the door. Fix hair before opening the door.

"Hi!" Big smile. Can't help it.

"You look nice!" at the same time. Oh no. What's he wearing? Never mind. Just concentrate on his face. Did he gel his hair?! Yuk. Ok, focus on the eyes and smile.

"Can you drive?"

"Sure."

Well, that was easy. No embarrassing driving moments from me. I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that later.

Oh God, he looks so gorgeous when he's driving. I love how he looks in profile. I start blabbering 'cause for some reason I'm full of energy which I'm sure is due to being excited to see him. He's quiet.

"What's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"Are you ok?" Please please please he's not still mad at me for being condescending last week.
"Oh yeah."

Hmm.

Blabber blabber for the rest of the trip.

We get there so fast. No one should come early to a party. It's not polite.

"We can go for a walk," David suggests. Good idea in theory but it's too cold.

"Let's just park first."

Wrong turn. Great. Take out the street directory. Oh phew, it's not too far from Nadine's house. David does a perfect reverse (which isn't an angle one as it turns out) park and manages to fit his not so small car in the tight spot. Very admirable.

We walk to her house. I press her apartment number. Her voice sounds strange when I tell her it's me. She asks again. I tell her my name which makes me feel really weird. There's a dog barking in the background. Nadine doesn't have a dog. The door doesn't open for us.

"David, which number did I just press?" David tells me. I confused it with the house number. What an idiot. I press the right one. I only say, "Hey," when Nadine buzzes us in. I look at my watch in the lift. We're not early anymore. We're 15 minutes after the time on the invitation.

Nadine is holding the door open for us. She's in her plain home clothes. I see Kirsten in a baggy jumper and tracksuit pants. I'm starting to feel too dressed up in my jeans and makeup. Nadine looks tired and doesn't even initiate a hug, like she usually does. I awkwardly give her the present and introduce David. We walk in and see only one other girl in the kitchen preparing food. Nadine goes to her bedroom where her boyfriend is. I volunteer to help the two girls but they don't need any help so I stand around and try to make conversation. Soon, the other girl joins in, while Kirsten is being unusually quiet.

I wonder if it's because Nadine's new boyfriend used to go out with Kirsten first and there's obvious tension. I pretend everything's fine and keep chatting to the tomboyish girl who is becoming quite loud. David doesn't say anything.

When Nadine's boyfriend comes out, I'm surprised by how different he looks to her previous tall handsome ones. He doesn't have even a hint of shyness, like her other ones. He exudes quiet confidence. His face kinda looks like a male version of Nadine's. He's small but lean. He treats Nadine like a kid and I can tell she loves it. He said he cleaned her room but she already messed it up. I could've told him that before he started.

Nadine opens my (and my Mum's) present for her. She puts on the bracelet and doesn't take it off for the rest of the night. Well, that worked out well!

We all sit around nibbling on lollies and chips and chatting loudly. Even though there aren't many people yet, everyone's already laughing and talking over each other. They all seem to be talking to me, explaining things that they already know since they hang out together. I'm enjoying the attention. David is quiet.

Later, more people come. And then some more. Everyone chats within groups of people they know. I'm with David, occasionally talking to the people next to me. I see the other couples joking together. I wonder why David and I aren't doing that. I'm starting to feel that David doesn't fit here. He's not himself. He's too quiet and doesn't talk at all. I talk to him as I usually do, inside wishing I had someone more... my type. Someone who could fit in.

Even though I'm talking to him like nothing's wrong, my eyes are searching his face for hints of some problem.

"You know why I'm not really talkative today?"

"No, why?!" I say very eager to know.

He tells me how he found out that his friend's friend who's dying back in South America is actually someone he knew. And it would be his real Dad's birthday this week. So he's obviously not too cheery. I feel horrible. I can barely listen to him tell me about the conversation he had with his friend who believes her friend who's in coma already will come out of it, when she knows she won't.

After he tells me, he seems more light-hearted.

The ordered pizzas arrive. We move around so that I'm talking to a girl I haven't seen in years. We hit it off immediately because she's single and vocalises all that I was feeling before David. For a moment, I even forget I have a boyfriend and say something inappropriate with him right there. She says, "Isn't this your boyfriend?" and David looks at me incredulously.

She asks where he's from originally and when he tells her, she gives me a look and says, "You got a latino!" in that usual tone that people have when I tell them my boyfriend is from South America. I think she forgot he was right there and heard her quite well. But I can tell he loves those sort of insinuations.

We end up talking for so long, we lose track of time. We get up to leave since we have to wake up early the next day. Leaving takes another half an hour because I see another girl I haven't seen since Nadine's 18th birthday party.

"You remind me of someone famous."
"Really? Who?!" This gets me interested.
"Can't think of it right now. But you look so much like her."

Wish I knew which famous person I looked like.

Wish I could talk longer but I know David has to drive home after dropping me off.

We talk in the car. First about the party. Then about us. He asks me if he's right for me and I know I have to say something quickly because the longer the silence the clearer it is that he isn't. I talk in circles to confuse him. I ask him the same. He immediately says that I'm right for him. He says that he can't even look at the other girls anymore without comparing them to me. I wonder if I should be offended but I can't be.

I say I don't want to break up because I don't want to imagine not being able to be friends with him. He laughs and says that he's in love with the way I talk. For the next fifteen minutes I listen to how wonderful I am. As he talks, I hate myself for thinking he's not my type and wish for the guy who I imagine in my head. He asks if I'm trying to convince myself that I like him. I say, "Of course not!" I wonder if it's true; I've never thought of it that way.

He asks if I want to stop at the beach which we drive past. I say I'm worried he's going to be too tired to drive back if we stay out any longer. He says he won't and stops. We go for a walk. I say it's cold because it is. He gives me his jacket which I refuse because it's too cheesy. Those old fashioned cliches make my insides squirm. I even feel annoyed at him for insisting. And I get annoyed at how I feel. Why can't I just enjoy it?

Is there a reason why he's leading me into a dark isolated area? He better not kiss me. Don't look at him.

"Nice view!" It really is. The black ocean and the bright coloured lights on the edges. What the hell is wrong with me tonight?!

His arms are around me now. I don't want to leave. I just stay there. If I bury my head into his jacket, it's almost like I'm in some dark place where nothing can reach me. Overwhelmed by a sense of safety and security. Primal instint. And my feminist self doesn't bother me tonight. I'm getting comforted by a person who's the source of discomfort in my head.

Hugs are supposed to send endorphins (feel-good chemicals) to your brain and that's exactly what is happening right now. I can almost feel them spread through my body. Feel a lot better afterwards and my imaginary RG is no longer in my head. David is overpowering him.

When we get to my house, he says he's going to stay just for "fifteen, no thirty" minutes. We start talking about really personal things and I'm having the most personal conversation I've ever had with anyone. I wouldn't even dream talking to April about that stuff. And it feels great. I feel like we're best friends having a sleepover. We just talk and I love it. Next I check my watch to see that we've been talking for over an hour. And soon we'll have to go to his family's thing. I tell him he's more than welcome to stay over at my house so he won't have to drive home and then come back in a few hours. He's uneasy about staying over and asks if my parents would mind. I assure him they won't since I asked my Mum about it ages ago and she said that since we have plenty of space, he can stay over if it's too late. And it definitely is. So late it's early, in fact.

I make him a bed on the fold-out sofa and after talking some more, we decide we need sleep before tomorrow.

I fall asleep with the most content heart.