Lack of Good Job Skews Perspective

I was so excited yesterday because I got asked for a job interview. I organised it for today in the morning. I was totally prepared to go, when the guy at my train station announced that the train was going to be at least 20 minutes late! I couldn't believe that one day when I needed it to come on time (or the usual few minutes late), it decided to not show up.

I quickly went home to get the car so I could drive to the next station (which has more trains). I knew there would be no way that I would get there on time, even though the next train was an express one. Just as I was about to get on, the place where I was supposed to have the interview called to ask me if it was ok to have the interview at a different time. I couldn't believe my luck and was grateful I didn't call them earlier to let them know I was going to be late.

Then, the woman on the phone asked if it was ok to have it another day. Not half an hour or an hour later. But not today! And she called 45 minutes before I was supposed to get there. If my train was on time, I would've already been halfway there. And if she called a minute later, I would've been on the express train which would've not stopped for another twenty minutes.

Even though I guess it worked out ok, I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to go today. Have to go tomorrow instead, an hour earlier than today which means I'll have to wake up extra early. And which means April will have to come over later than planned.

Then another agency called about a job, letting me know that the place that was hiring was very busy at the moment and wouldn't get back to me for another week.

God, I just want my career to start already. When I was talking to April on Sunday, she mentioned that I didn't seem to be worried about finding a proper job. What she didn't realise was that for once I got so distracted, I forgot about it. I thanked her for so kindly reminding me.

As I work at my temporary place and see some middle-aged women doing administration, I get a bit panicky about ending up the same. Sure, it can be fine for them, but the thought of filing and 'assisting' for the rest of my life really freaks me out. I want to be the one who's assisted, not the other way around. I want to be the one doing the actual job, not the one doing the little things to help other people do the big things. High school was harder than what I do now.

When I got home, David sent me a message asking if we were still meeting up tonight. That got me a little confused because we never planned to meet up tonight. I was in the middle of messaging him to say that even though we haven't planned it I'd meet him, when he sent me another message, saying that his previous one wasn't for me.

Don't know why but it was the first time I felt a little offended in a jealous way. Never felt like that when he danced with other girls in front of me or when he told me about some girl who kept wanting to meet up with him or when a girl asked him out, even though she knew he had a girlfriend. Just did not care in the slightest. April said it was probably because I totally trusted him or just didn't like him enough to care. I told her it was probably because he was open about all those things and wasn't trying to hide them. He was too casual about them to make me think it was anything significant.

But now I felt weird because he was always saying how he likes to meet up on the weekend so that he can concentrate on his uni stuff on the weekdays. And he knows I'd much prefer to see him in a more spread out time, rather than two days in a row and not at all for five days. Wonder what he's going to be up to. And if he did 'accidentally' send it to me, how did he realise that so soon? Anyway, I think I'm letting my disappointment and frustration at not being able to get a permanent job influence my feelings about David.

Maybe I should start to distance myself a bit to reduce the hurt later, when we inevitably break up.

The last sentence actually sounds weird, considering how yesterday I kept imagining how nice it would be to be married.

I swear, my rollercoaster view changes of what I want from this relationship are crazy. One moment I just want to be with him forever and the next I couldn't care less when I see him.