The adventures of an ambitious 23 year old who just wants to settle down with the Right Guy.
I've been informed that my brother is the 'hottest guy in first year of [his course]'. I feel so proud.
When I told him this, he screwed up his face and said, "Shut up". I love how these comments will never ruin his humbleness.
I absolutely love PostSecret. I've never really given any thought to sending my secrets. Then I read this:
"I have made six postcards, all with secrets that I was afraid to tell the one person I tell everything to, my boyfriend. This morning I planned to mail them, but instead I left them on the pillow next to his head while he was sleeping. 10 minutes ago he arrived at my office and asked me to marry him. I said yes."
I started to think of secrets that I have from everyone. Two came to my head straight away. But then, I remembered a few more. Rather than making postcards of them, I'm going to write one key word from each secret here.
1. "... pretended..."
2. "... laughed..."
3. "... deformed..."
4. "... too..."
5. "... control..."
Before thinking about this, I never realised I have quite a few. And I can probably can come up with more. The first two involved other people, the next two will most likely be discovered, and the last one will probably never be told.
It all started on Saturday when I put on my jeans which felt extremely tight. Fortunately I remembered that I haven't worn them since I've washed them a few days ago. And we all know that jeans shrink in the wash. But then I started noticing that I've really put on weight.
I forgot the reason I lost so much weight after high school was because I've stopped drinking soft drinks and eating white bread, reduced all bread in general and chocolate wasn't a daily occurrence. So when I did eat too much of one of the mentioned, it wasn't a big deal because I would go back to my healthy food intake the next day.
Lately, however, it hasn't been a one-off splurge, it's been quite constant. So no wonder the weight has been piling on, especially that my exercise has diminished. So my new plan is to try to wean myself off white bread and chocolate since once you get over the hurdle of cravings, it's quite easy to live without it. It's just hard initially.
Maybe I could walk from the previous train station too and do some exercise. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt.
I spent one hour (at most) out of eight doing actual work yesterday. I spent the rest of my time sketching numerous layouts for my pdf portfolio (something I've decided is necessary to improve my chances of getting a real job). I'm trying to be methodical about finding a job. I've pinpointed possible issues that are making my search so long and now I'm working at resolving them.
I'm looking at it as a mathematical problem. They always have logical solutions. I don't think I've mentioned this before but when I was single I started looking at my problem as a Maths one too. I was trying to increase my probability of meeting someone. So if there was a choice between doing something where I 'could' meet someone, I'd always take it. The more guys I meet the higher my chance. And if you increase the probability, it gets closer to 1. I even remember thinking that day I met David, "If I get a lift with Sophia, there is almost zero chance of meeting someone, but if I catch the bus the chance of seeing BG again is, although also tiny, is still bigger."
My alarm woke me on Sunday morning. Since my usual first thought in the morning is David, it felt quite good knowing he was in the next room. I've never woken up so early on Sundays but it was great. The whole day was still ahead.
David and I had breakfast together. A first. He said he only wanted coffee but I made him eat some cereal. He has a pretty bad diet for someone who worries about being fit and healthy.
It was hard to hide taking my medication from him because I have so many to take. I was trying to do it discreetly, facing away from him but rather than not paying attention, he actually came up to me and patted my shoulder as I was gulping them down with water. It's these little gestures that mean so much more to me than any typical romantic ones. Then, when I was putting quite a number of them into my little plastic box to take with me ('cause I need to take them at lunch time too), he smiled and said, "What are you, getting into the drug business?" so I told him I was. Gotta love him for making light of such awkward moments.
We caught the train into the city to meet his family. His step-family didn't come so I didn't get to meet them. I talked to his sister for quite a bit. She's a typical sixteen year old. I noticed his parents were holding hands the entire time. Now I know why David is so fine with PDA.
Seeing him with his family made me think of him in an entire different light. He was at his best because he was so relaxed and himself. He kept bugging his sister and then complaining she was being mean to him. They were just like Andy and I. I loved watching them act like kids. And seeing how proud his Mum was of him when she introduced him as her son to people at her work and their reaction, "Wow, that's your son?!"
I was in love with the way his family was like together. All joking and light-hearted.
Lunch was absolutely delicious. And free, which always makes it just that little bit tastier. Afterwards his family went home while we went for a walk. The weather was beautiful. Could really feel winter ending.
When we caught the train back to my house, David said he had to go soon because he needed to do some uni work. So I thought we'd just hang out for another fifteen minutes or so. As soon as we got into my house and said hello to my Mum, she quickly asked him to help with some uni thing. And she wouldn't let him go! After over half an hour, and trying to give her any hint I could about giving him back to me, I had to recruit my brother to help me. Andy told her he really needed her. So when David was free, I gave Andy the thumbs up as a thank you. But Mum saw me do that! She gave me a 'look'. But I was just happy I could have David back. He stayed for another hour or so before leaving. I had to make him go because he was always like "Just another fifteen minutes and then I'll go" and "I really don't want to leave". Well, neither do I but uni work is important too.
After he left I asked my Mum how she couldn't see my hints. And she said she saw all of them but she just wanted to talk to him. How selfish. I told her to organise her meetings with him out of our time. And I asked her not to mention the word "marriage", "children" and "pregnancy" with him. She said that when they talk, she forgets that he's my boyfriend. She sees him as just another person at her uni.
Well, that sums up my weekend.
David better not come early like last time. Must get ready early. What to wear. Want to wear a skirt and boots but don't want to drive in a skirt. Don't want to be overdressed and skirts usually look dressy. What if I have to sit on Nadine's low squishy couch? Skirts and that couch don't mix. Could be cold anyway. Ok, will wear jeans. Damn, I always always always wear jeans. Oh who cares. Hmm, I look same as always.
Mum: I got Nadine a small present from me. Oh, and got you this. I remember you said you wanted something blue.
Oooo. I love Nadine's present. Maybe I can keep it and give her my new blue bracelet. It's kinda too chunky anyway. And I don't remember Nadine wearing not real gold/silver earrings. It'll only be a waste. Yes, that's what I'll do. Cool, I have new jewellery.
There's still plenty of time till 5:30. I'll put some make-up. Hmm, now where was that grey eye shadow that Mum had... Fine, this indigo one will do. Oh God, that's too bright. Smudge smudge. All better. Now, some mascara. Oh no, it's too clumpy. My eyelashes are starting to look too unnaturally long. Oops, shouldn't have blinked. There is now a reflection of my eyelashes under my eyes. Some cold water. Will do. Finish off with lip gloss (my favourite piece of make-up). Can't go wrong with that. Check the result in the mirror. Not bad. From far away. I must be growing up since the thought of make-up doesn't put me off. It's the adult version of colouring in. Kept my reputation of not going outside the lines.
Check driving directions to Nadine's house. Oh wait. It's all reverse parking. No no. I still haven't done an angle reverse park. I've successfully managed to avoid them in my almost three years of driving. David already thinks I'm a horrible driver. Must not encourage that perspective.
Oh, it's 5:40 already! Where's David? Better not start anything in case it goes wrong (see last time).
Will go and chat to my parents in the kitchen.
"Well, since you're here, can you help with..."
Ding Dong!
Saved by the bell.
Run to the door. Fix hair before opening the door.
"Hi!" Big smile. Can't help it.
"You look nice!" at the same time. Oh no. What's he wearing? Never mind. Just concentrate on his face. Did he gel his hair?! Yuk. Ok, focus on the eyes and smile.
"Can you drive?"
"Sure."
Well, that was easy. No embarrassing driving moments from me. I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that later.
Oh God, he looks so gorgeous when he's driving. I love how he looks in profile. I start blabbering 'cause for some reason I'm full of energy which I'm sure is due to being excited to see him. He's quiet.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh?"
"Are you ok?" Please please please he's not still mad at me for being condescending last week.
"Oh yeah."
Hmm.
Blabber blabber for the rest of the trip.
We get there so fast. No one should come early to a party. It's not polite.
"We can go for a walk," David suggests. Good idea in theory but it's too cold.
"Let's just park first."
Wrong turn. Great. Take out the street directory. Oh phew, it's not too far from Nadine's house. David does a perfect reverse (which isn't an angle one as it turns out) park and manages to fit his not so small car in the tight spot. Very admirable.
We walk to her house. I press her apartment number. Her voice sounds strange when I tell her it's me. She asks again. I tell her my name which makes me feel really weird. There's a dog barking in the background. Nadine doesn't have a dog. The door doesn't open for us.
"David, which number did I just press?" David tells me. I confused it with the house number. What an idiot. I press the right one. I only say, "Hey," when Nadine buzzes us in. I look at my watch in the lift. We're not early anymore. We're 15 minutes after the time on the invitation.
Nadine is holding the door open for us. She's in her plain home clothes. I see Kirsten in a baggy jumper and tracksuit pants. I'm starting to feel too dressed up in my jeans and makeup. Nadine looks tired and doesn't even initiate a hug, like she usually does. I awkwardly give her the present and introduce David. We walk in and see only one other girl in the kitchen preparing food. Nadine goes to her bedroom where her boyfriend is. I volunteer to help the two girls but they don't need any help so I stand around and try to make conversation. Soon, the other girl joins in, while Kirsten is being unusually quiet.
I wonder if it's because Nadine's new boyfriend used to go out with Kirsten first and there's obvious tension. I pretend everything's fine and keep chatting to the tomboyish girl who is becoming quite loud. David doesn't say anything.
When Nadine's boyfriend comes out, I'm surprised by how different he looks to her previous tall handsome ones. He doesn't have even a hint of shyness, like her other ones. He exudes quiet confidence. His face kinda looks like a male version of Nadine's. He's small but lean. He treats Nadine like a kid and I can tell she loves it. He said he cleaned her room but she already messed it up. I could've told him that before he started.
Nadine opens my (and my Mum's) present for her. She puts on the bracelet and doesn't take it off for the rest of the night. Well, that worked out well!
We all sit around nibbling on lollies and chips and chatting loudly. Even though there aren't many people yet, everyone's already laughing and talking over each other. They all seem to be talking to me, explaining things that they already know since they hang out together. I'm enjoying the attention. David is quiet.
Later, more people come. And then some more. Everyone chats within groups of people they know. I'm with David, occasionally talking to the people next to me. I see the other couples joking together. I wonder why David and I aren't doing that. I'm starting to feel that David doesn't fit here. He's not himself. He's too quiet and doesn't talk at all. I talk to him as I usually do, inside wishing I had someone more... my type. Someone who could fit in.
Even though I'm talking to him like nothing's wrong, my eyes are searching his face for hints of some problem.
"You know why I'm not really talkative today?"
"No, why?!" I say very eager to know.
He tells me how he found out that his friend's friend who's dying back in South America is actually someone he knew. And it would be his real Dad's birthday this week. So he's obviously not too cheery. I feel horrible. I can barely listen to him tell me about the conversation he had with his friend who believes her friend who's in coma already will come out of it, when she knows she won't.
After he tells me, he seems more light-hearted.
The ordered pizzas arrive. We move around so that I'm talking to a girl I haven't seen in years. We hit it off immediately because she's single and vocalises all that I was feeling before David. For a moment, I even forget I have a boyfriend and say something inappropriate with him right there. She says, "Isn't this your boyfriend?" and David looks at me incredulously.
She asks where he's from originally and when he tells her, she gives me a look and says, "You got a latino!" in that usual tone that people have when I tell them my boyfriend is from South America. I think she forgot he was right there and heard her quite well. But I can tell he loves those sort of insinuations.
We end up talking for so long, we lose track of time. We get up to leave since we have to wake up early the next day. Leaving takes another half an hour because I see another girl I haven't seen since Nadine's 18th birthday party.
"You remind me of someone famous."
"Really? Who?!" This gets me interested.
"Can't think of it right now. But you look so much like her."
Wish I knew which famous person I looked like.
Wish I could talk longer but I know David has to drive home after dropping me off.
We talk in the car. First about the party. Then about us. He asks me if he's right for me and I know I have to say something quickly because the longer the silence the clearer it is that he isn't. I talk in circles to confuse him. I ask him the same. He immediately says that I'm right for him. He says that he can't even look at the other girls anymore without comparing them to me. I wonder if I should be offended but I can't be.
I say I don't want to break up because I don't want to imagine not being able to be friends with him. He laughs and says that he's in love with the way I talk. For the next fifteen minutes I listen to how wonderful I am. As he talks, I hate myself for thinking he's not my type and wish for the guy who I imagine in my head. He asks if I'm trying to convince myself that I like him. I say, "Of course not!" I wonder if it's true; I've never thought of it that way.
He asks if I want to stop at the beach which we drive past. I say I'm worried he's going to be too tired to drive back if we stay out any longer. He says he won't and stops. We go for a walk. I say it's cold because it is. He gives me his jacket which I refuse because it's too cheesy. Those old fashioned cliches make my insides squirm. I even feel annoyed at him for insisting. And I get annoyed at how I feel. Why can't I just enjoy it?
Is there a reason why he's leading me into a dark isolated area? He better not kiss me. Don't look at him.
"Nice view!" It really is. The black ocean and the bright coloured lights on the edges. What the hell is wrong with me tonight?!
His arms are around me now. I don't want to leave. I just stay there. If I bury my head into his jacket, it's almost like I'm in some dark place where nothing can reach me. Overwhelmed by a sense of safety and security. Primal instint. And my feminist self doesn't bother me tonight. I'm getting comforted by a person who's the source of discomfort in my head.
Hugs are supposed to send endorphins (feel-good chemicals) to your brain and that's exactly what is happening right now. I can almost feel them spread through my body. Feel a lot better afterwards and my imaginary RG is no longer in my head. David is overpowering him.
When we get to my house, he says he's going to stay just for "fifteen, no thirty" minutes. We start talking about really personal things and I'm having the most personal conversation I've ever had with anyone. I wouldn't even dream talking to April about that stuff. And it feels great. I feel like we're best friends having a sleepover. We just talk and I love it. Next I check my watch to see that we've been talking for over an hour. And soon we'll have to go to his family's thing. I tell him he's more than welcome to stay over at my house so he won't have to drive home and then come back in a few hours. He's uneasy about staying over and asks if my parents would mind. I assure him they won't since I asked my Mum about it ages ago and she said that since we have plenty of space, he can stay over if it's too late. And it definitely is. So late it's early, in fact.
I make him a bed on the fold-out sofa and after talking some more, we decide we need sleep before tomorrow.
I fall asleep with the most content heart.
I keep thinking that I've already had the best day of my life but the last two have been even better. Sometimes I'm surprised why I haven't fallen in love with David yet, I really do.
I mean I don't know if I'm just being very obvious or if he can read my mind. He said, "I don't want you to go out with me just because you think you'll never meet anyone else. You're beautiful. And smart. There are so many guys who will fall in love with you. I don't want you to think I'm the only one you can ever have."
I was totally speechless. I think I was still stuck on the 'beautiful' part. It'd be nice if I could have a life remote control so I could rewind and play that moment of my life over and over again.
Nadine called me a little after 4pm yesterday when I was still at work.
Nadine: Oh sorry! I didn't realise work finished after 4!
If only it did.
Anyway, I called her back when I got home which was cool since I haven't spoken to her in way too long. I mean, lately we've only chatted online. Tonight is her birthday party. Apparently out of around thirty people who are coming there will only be three couples, including David and I. Just goes to show how hard it is for everyone to find a partner. Not just me. Kinda feels odd that I out of all people will be there with a guy. It was never that way. I'm a tiny bit sad that I won't be able to actively contribute to the usual conversations between singles. There better not be any potential guys who I'd like because that would be so ironic. It was good to talk to her though.
Nadine: I think I'm growing up.
me (trying not to laugh): really? What made you realise this?
Nadine: I'm not too interested in being the centre of attention anymore. I didn't even tell some people it was my birthday
Nadine is as disillusioned as ever. She's actually reminding me of Jessica Simpson in the way she can be totally clueless. But I'm saying this in an affectionate way because that's part of her charm.
Also talked to April last night. She found out some very direction-turning news. Her South American guy friend who had a very strong potential to become her boyfriend has a son. Yep. We said good-bye to all our fantasies of our double dates. She was devastated. Understandably. He was the first guy who she was getting so close with for something to actually happen. And now it's all broken. We were trying to look on the bright side: at least he told her now. But still. How very disappointing. Even though she has other guys who could be potential boyfriends (which she put on the back burner to focus more on this guy), she swore off all guys and decided that the single life is the only way she can be happy. Yeah, right. But I feel so terrible for her. To have so much hope cut down like that. Life can be cruel. Of course she totally feels that she's destined to be alone. I probably would too. I feel like I'd do anything for her to experience a happy relationship because I hate to see her feel like that. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. But especially her.
How is it possible for a clever, funny, kind, pretty girl to have so much trouble finding a partner.
Also talked to Mike (Claudia's boyfriend). April and I agreed that he sounds just like Claudia online. He could've easily fooled us. He's quite amusing though although I wondered why he was chatting to us when he was with Claudia.
Music clips. Cartoons. Teenage dramas.
What's not to love? I have a special place in my heart for Saturday morning TV because I will always associate it with my childhood and young teen years. Watching video clips will bring back memories of waiting for my brother to finish his piano lesson at my piano teacher's house. Sometimes I used to wait with Nadine if her lesson was after mine. We'd watch Degrassi or one of the other similar shows.
If I didn't have piano lessons or they were later in the day, I would watch cartoons at home after getting up.
I haven't watched TV on Saturday mornings for a very long time because I've been waking up too late or had somewhere to go. But today I woke up and didn't have anything to do in the morning so I switched on the TV and discovered the best show.
Girls In Love is everything I loved (and still do) about shows/books about growing up. The friendships, the crushes, the anxiety, the hope, the excitement. Wait, I think I still haven't grown up. The sad thing is that I could still relate to the lead 14 year old who was obsessed with not having a boyfriend. She even lied to her friends about having one (something even I wouldn't be able to do). Of course if I didn't have David, I would get annoyed that even though the main character doesn't have one, she has a guy who likes her. Yes, we all know where that's going to lead.
I hope I remember to watch it next week.
All The Space
I needed space. It was getting too close too fast in reality (not just in my head) and that totally freaked me out. I'm impatient, I want to know if he's 'the one' right now and not a second later. So I start over-analysing. And these thoughts create walls that squeeze me and make me feel claustrophobic.
All of Tuesday and Wednesday I had my space from David but all I could think about was him. My brain wouldn't let it rest. By the end of Wednesday all I wanted was to talk to him. He called me. He told me about how he researched about resumes and cover letters and fixed his because I was right. And how he organised himself better so he wouldn't have to stay up at night. He also offered to get Nadine's birthday present (since I got Ria's). He asked if I wanted him to drive ('cause I drove him to Ria's party). Then when we were talking about going interstate (since it didn't work out with Sally) and he asked if I wanted him to organise the whole thing.
I couldn't believe how much effort he was going to please me. I started feeling guilty. And then I realised that I was overreacting about him. He wasn't stupid. He was totally capable. And just the fact that he was willing to do anything to please/impress me was so touching, all I wanted was to give him a hug.
Had to deliver some documents to another office. I got in the lift with 2 men (one in his 30s and the other one in his 50s) in some soldier/police/bush ranger type of uniform. I pressed the button to the top level.
Younger Man: Going all the way to the top?
me: yeah
Younger Man: You must be special
me: I am
Younger Man: See you later
After I delivered the documents, I got back in the lift and guess who comes in a few floors below?
Younger Man: Are you following us?
me: *fake laugh*
Younger Man: what do you do here?
me: bringing some stuff
Younger Man: which company do you work for?
me: I don't work here
Younger Man: so you're not that special then?
me: no, I'm not
I don't know why but those sort of men creep me out. They way they gave each other smirking looks, like I couldn't see. If some old lady said the same things to me, I'd just think she was chatty and wouldn't find it weird at all.
Sometimes I have a suspicion that I may have two personalities. Only an hour ago, I felt like I needed some time away from David, but now all of a sudden I have a strong urge to talk and see him.
I think the last three months have been a bit of a shock to my system. It was too weird to all of a sudden have something that I've wanted for so long and didn't believe was possible. Maybe it's finally sinking in. Maybe I'm waking up from the dream-like quality of my life.
How is it that some people are able to get right under our skin and attach themselves there, especially when they are not the type that you expect to want to be there? Why does David even like me? He wears his heart on his sleeve. I'm reserved. He likes to talk about how he feels. I become totally tongue-tied. He can be all over the place. I'm always in one spot. He sees everyone as equals. I slot people into compartments. He has several girls who would only be happy to be with him. What makes him want to be with me?
Last night, during our argument I was so testing him how much he liked me. Just kept stretching and stretching the boundaries. Pushing him away to see how far he could go. Because for that moment I wanted him to say that he wasn't sure about us. About me. And that would make everything easier because I wouldn't have to decide what I want. It'd be decided for me.
I want to know when I'm going to be totally sure about how I feel about him. Because this rollercoaster of being able to see a future with him to thinking I want someone better is very confusing.
Obviously, I'm just scared that if I break up with him, I will never find someone better and will always regret it. Experience taught me how freaking impossible it is to find anyone who might care even a fraction of how much he does and with whom I could share a connection.
Are relationships difficult in general or am I making them harder than they have to be?
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Warning: Spoilers
I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Oh.My.God. I don't remember the last time a book had almost made me cry. You know it's a good book when it can tug so strongly at your heart-strings.
It makes sense that Dumbledore had to die, but I'm so going to miss his wise and witty lines. I guess it's wishful thinking that the next book will have him talking in some way or another.
I thought it was great how J.K. Rowling broke up the sadness of his death with the humour of Fleur's unexpected goodness underneath her vanity. "What do I care how 'e looks? I am good-looking for both of us, I theenk!" I love that line.
Although I did stop liking Ginny who made fun of her brother for never being kissed. God, he was only 16. But I think I take those sort of things a little too personally.
I was a little disappointed with the 5th book but this one has certainly made up for it and restored my love for the Harry Potter series. The humour, the magic, the imagination, the suspense, the cleverness, the mystery, the goodness - some of the things that make me (and millions of others) fall in love with that fictional world.
When I first tried Tim Tams, I fell in love with the chocolatey crunchy biscuits sandwiching the smooth creamy cocoa filling, encased in thin chocolate. At the age of 9 I knew I've discovered the most heavenly taste that melts in your mouth while you savour the sweetness. I wouldn't say I got addicted to them but every time I had the chance, I would eat them.
I don't remember how long it took (probably a year or so) but one day I got to the point when I couldn't look at them anymore. The lingering memory of their sugary chocolate over chocolate taste made me feel sick. I couldn't even look at them without desperately wanting a vegetable. It took several years before I could see a box and not feel nauseous. Tim Tams and I are on good terms now (where I eat them occasionally).
It was the case of "too much of a good thing".
The point of this story* is that I'm using it as an analogy to how I'm starting to feel about David. His warmth and sweetness pulled me in, making me desperately want more because I was so starved for that kind of affection and comfort but once I got filled up with his confidence boosting, I started to feel suffocated and squished from all corners (similar to how he manages to take up more train seat space and squeeze me against the window).
Three months ago, I would've only dreamed for someone to want to be really close to me but this intimacy is smothering me right now.
I think I just need some room to breathe. Never thought I would feel that way but I guess that's because I didn't really think that it would be possible to find a guy who'd really like me.
* which was dramatised for effect
This blog is starting to feel like a paper diary I used to have. The more things happen the less time I have to write about them. And the less times I have, the less I can be bothered. So when I do have the time, there's too much to catch up on that I feel like I'm stuck in the past and can't get to the present. And for some reason I don't like writing about things that happened days ago. It's kinda like not having the time to watch a TV show episode that you taped before the next one, so you have to tape that one too, and then there's even less time to watch both before the following episode.
But I'm going to try and catch up to today.
Saturday night: I finally told Christine and Claudia about the existence of my boyfriend
Here is the short version of how it happened:
Claudia: my sister and her fiance broke up for good and are not getting back together because he already found a new girlfriend.
me: remember David? We're going out.
Told April about it later.
April: why do I always miss out on all the best conversations?!
Christine: you kept it a secret
me: like Claudia and Mike?
Christine: but I knew about that
me: well, April knows about David
Christine: is April seeing anyone?
Later:
April: Did you tell them I was seeing a really hot guy? Several, in fact?
When Claudia and Christine were talking about Mike and Evan, I actually felt like now I had something in common with them. Finally I also had a boyfriend to talk about.
Wonder what it'd be like to go out with our boyfriends. Now, it's just April and Amelia left.
Sunday: Mum got to know the real David
David and I had a nice day out. We saw a part of a football match (since we had free tickets) but didn't stay for the whole thing because even David got bored. He said he was more into soccer. I didn't complain. I don't think I would've ever gone to a game had it not been for the free tickets (which I offered to David's friends but he said he'd rather go with me, something he changed his mind about later).
David: it was getting boring
me: why? I thought you liked sports
David: I do but I was getting bored because you were bored. I can't enjoy it if you're not having fun
At least it's not only me who's so easily affected by his moods. But so weird anyway.
Afterwards we had lunch. There were all these stalls of international food. There was even his national food. I tried their traditional drink which was SO yummy. Then we made a little detour while getting back to the station.
We had an... 'interesting' discussion on the way. We talked about the best way to discipline kids and also what religion I'd want my kids to be. I told him I wouldn't want them to be any religion and he said he didn't mind as long as it was either his, my family's background's or nothing. I was trying to tell him that as long as the kids are happy, it shouldn't matter. He then started saying things that weren't what I liked. Like he wouldn't be happy with them choosing a totally different religion. It gave me this image of him in the future of one of those unaccepting fathers that only wanted things their way. Since I wanted to hear more of his perspective, I pretended that he didn't say anything bad. Then, I casually asked him what he would do if his kid turned out to be gay. And he said he wouldn't talk to them for two years. I couldn't believe him. He then started saying how he'd make sure they wouldn't be because he didn't think it was something they're born with. I told him gay people can't help being gay just as straight people can't help their sexuality. Then he said that if that's the case, the gay genes wouldn't be from his side of the family.
How freaking narrow-minded! I was so upset at his views. I was like, "But he'd be your kid! How could you just turn away from him?" and he said, "You put me in the spot! I don't know how I'd react. I'm just telling you how I feel now".
I don't want to be one of those girls who sees their partners through rose-tinted glasses and ignores things like that. But I actually believe that I'd be able to convince him otherwise and make him more open-minded. I mean I already changed his political views closer to mine and he was so stuck on his before. And if he thinks I'm not feeling the best, he's always like, "How can I make it better?" So if he saw that I was upset about something like having a gay kid, he'd probably do anything just so I wouldn't get mad at him.
As long as he's not so easily influenced by other people.
When we walked past a furniture shop and looked through the glass window to see the different kitchens and beds, we started talking about what kind of furniture we liked. And then I don't know how but we talked about what kind we'd get if we moved in together.
Then, on the train, he asked me what age I wanted to get married at. I wouldn't tell him because I said I knew it wouldn't happen anyway and asked him to tell me his. He said he wanted to get married at 28. He then kept asking me to tell him my age. So I did. He was like, "So that's next year, eh? You wouldn't find anyone else by then." I said, "I told you it's not going to happen, but you wanted to know". He then asked, "Would 25 be ok?" and I said, "I want to have a kid then". He said, "You want to have your first kid at 25?" and I said, "No, my second". He was like, "Ooo-k!" in the "Noooo waaaay!" tone.
I explained to him that I wanted to have kids while I still had the energy to bring them up and before 30 when I'd want to grow in my career. He was like, "Oh yeah, that makes sense".
When we got home, he asked my Mum to help him with some uni question and later she told me that he's taking his uni work too seriously which makes him waste a lot of time. I said, "What, is he stupid?" and she said, "No, but you have to know when to read deeply into questions and when it's not necessary". She said in the kind of tone that meant, "He's not that bright". Which of course made me think, "Maybe she's right".
Went to bed wondering if I'm wasting time being in this relationship, with the guy who I always knew wasn't my type.
Monday: Andy apologised and David and I had an argument
In the morning, I got a message from David wishing me a nice day. Rather than thinking, "Aww, how sweet", I was thinking, "Is him being sweet and nice to me enough to make our relationship last?"
Got home when my brother was getting ready to leave. I was having dinner when Andy opened his mouth and apologised. I immediately stopped eating and listened to his apology which was sincere (not like his forced last one). It made me so happy that he realised that he was wrong and actually felt bad for saying what he did. It was a relief to know that my brother was capable of feeling remorse. I told him I appreciated him apologising.
Later I called David to ask about his resume and cover letter before I fixed them (since it was embarrassing to send his one to my Mum's friend's work). After two hours of helping him, I started to feel frustrated that he wasn't able to do his own resume properly. And because it was late and because he kept asking me if I was ok, I told him that it annoyed me that he couldn't do things well himself. Unsurprisingly he got quite offended and told me that he never asked for my help. I said I knew that he didn't but I felt like I had to help him because without it, he had absolutely no chance. So after quite a long discussion about that and me trying to find a nice way of saying he wasn't smart enough (the best I could come up with was "I feel like you're a kid") Well, he was smart enough to understand what that meant.
I said that it would be nice if he was able to help me with stuff, rather than me helping him which of course he took the wrong way - he thought that I felt he owed me help because I helped him. All I meant was that even though I didn't need his help, it would be nice to know that he was capable of doing some things better than me. Basically I want a guy who's smarter than me so I don't feel superior to him (like I was starting to feel with David).
David: do you need time to think about this?
me: about what?
David: about us
me: do you need time to think?
David: no, I know I want to be with you. I just want you to be sure
All I could think was I didn't want to break up with him now that I told Christine and Claudia.
Then he started with all the sweet stuff about him being there for me if I needed him (as a boyfriend or as a friend) and that he would do anything for me. I was like, "Are you sure about that? 'Cause I can take advantage of that" and he said he would seriously do anything. And how he liked me the way I was and he'd try to be more organised so I wouldn't have to remind him of stuff (like I've been doing lately) and he'll never ask me to do anything for him again but I was free to ask him because he'd help me unconditionally (he's so mean making me feel guilty like that). How he wants to make me happy. Blah blah blah. My sensitive girly side was hungrily sucking in all the nice stuff, but my brain was thinking, "He still can't write correctly and has a bad memory".
Really don't know what to do about him.
Yesterday at work, the manager told me that he spoke to the woman in charge of the company's magazine and unfortunately they hired someone a few weeks ago and therefore don't need anyone at the moment. I thanked him profusely for taking the time to find out for me.
Then while I was chatting with my supervisor and another lady, the other lady let me know that her son was looking for a web designer to design a website for his company. I gave her my number so he can contact me. I got so excited when she asked me for a 'quote' since I've never done freelancing before, only the free work experience. Did some research on the net and found out just how much web designers charge. Got a little excited because I'd be happy to charge even a quarter of what professionals do.
After work I went to David's house. I think it's becoming quite a tradition for us to meet in the city after work/uni on Fridays, then catch the train to his house, stay there and then drive to my house. Actually what am I talking about, this only happened twice.
After we got to his house, we had to go and pick up his Mum from the station. Had a nice chat with her. His Mum is so great. She's so warm and it's very easy to talk to her. Afterwards, we had to drive his sister to work. Had the first (relatively) proper conversation with her. Although last time she was very friendly with me, this time she was kind of cool. Not sure if she just wasn't having a good day or if she was getting worried I was becoming a long-term fixture in their family.
Back at his house, we had dinner with his Mum. I loved it when she and I were on the same side of the argument with him and were exchanging the "oh, he's so wrong" looks. Even though David was outnumbered, I think he was secretly pleased I got along with his Mum because he wasn't being his argumentative self (when he tries to make his point clear), but was kinda soft and smiling, even though we weren't agreeing with him.
After dinner when we were being silly, he accidentally said he 'loooved' me, the way I would say I looove chocolate or Maroon 5. When he realised he said it, he was like, "I like you a lot" as if to overwrite his previous phrase. I pretended not to notice because I knew he didn't mean it in the proper 'love' way. But inside, I was secretly overjoyed he liked me enough for it to come out that way.
Later, as we drove to my house, I kept going on and on about my relatives and how it wasn't considered cheating when young people went out with different people at the same time in order to find 'the one'. He started looking worried so I had to reassure him that I was not capable of seeing other people now because I was too focused on him. I was just telling him because I'd feel comfortable discussing such things with my friends and I wanted us to talk to each other as friends, first of all. Close friendship makes the relationship SO much better. Not to mention fun.
When I told him that back in POB a relationship is not really considered serious until you've decided you wanted to marry that person, he said, "Well, I'm not talking about getting married, I don't know about that yet, but I don't think about breaking up". And that kinda hit me that the only reason I would meet someone else while going out with him would be if I was sure we'd be breaking up in the future because that was how I used to view our relationship. I was sure that breaking up was inevitable because we weren't right for each other and I didn't want to marry him. But now I don't know, which is why I can't allow my Mum to set me up with that guy she wanted me to meet. I don't see this relationship with a definite end anymore.
When he went to pay after filling up the car (with VERY expensive petrol), I played a little game where I pretended we were married. I was just watching him walk in to pay and say something to the guy behind the counter, while giving me a quick glance through the window (which I pretended not to see) and I imagined doing this (being at the petrol station, not playing this game) many times in the future as husband and wife. His walk was kinda weird and he looked so ordinary and homey in his old jeans and a hoodie top. There was none of that "I'm a sexy latino dancer" air about him. Yet I could see it happening so vividly. Pretending this scenario filled me up with warm glow from the inside.
We got to my house and were surprised to see Olivia (my uncle's wife) talking in the kitchen to my parents. My Mum was quick to introduce her to David. She had the same look my uni friends had when they first met him. The look that says, "I can't believe Sky has a guy!" Of course now that Olivia knows, every other member of my family will know. I don't really care. It was actually good that she found out accidentally. When later I asked Mum if she said anything, Mum said she didn't except note that he was "a cute boy". I don't know why but that made me smile.
When we were sitting in the lounge room, we heard some weird noise coming from the garage. David offered to go and have a look. I followed him to discover it was only my brother who was trying to get the surfing board (he got from a guy who was going overseas) out of the car and hence making the weird noise. Rather than going back to the house (since I wasn't planning on talking to Andy because he still didn't seem to be even slightly remorseful), David started to talk to him, forcing me to join in the conversation so at one point I had to respond to what Andy said. Even though I wasn't too happy with Andy, it was really sweet of David to encourage us talk to speak to each other again.
When David was leaving and was saying good-bye to my parents, my Mum started talking to him and held him back for about 30 (if not more) minutes. I was trying to signal to her to stop so he could go home because it was getting so late and I knew he was really tired. But of course she ignored my hints because she was enjoying talking to him so much. When he left, she said that she's been waiting a while to have a normal conversation with him. He was so good though. Charming as always. Although he did say a few things that didn't really impress my Dad. Oh well.
Won't be seeing him tonight 'cause I convinced him that he needs to study, so he won't have to stay up at night. He seriously needs sleep, something he doesn't find very important.
Tonight I'm meeting up with Claudia and Christine, both of whom I haven't seen in God knows how long. April won't be coming because she's 'sick'. Ever since Tuesday when she said she was starting to feel sick, I knew she wouldn't be coming. I should be more compassionate and feel bad that she's sick but I really can't because that happens way too many times. And I hate to admit but I always have more fun when she's there so I'm not feeling very sensitive about her sickness due to selfish reasons. I really should stop taking her sicknesses personally.
I called my agent to tell her about my new duties and to ask for a pay rise. She told me to wait another week to make sure these duties were going to be permanent and not one-off.
When I got to work this morning, I happily went to the desk of the PA to continue where I left off on Monday. Then, I noticed a new user password on the desk. I went to ask my supervisor if I should use the new password or the old one. She, then, informed me that they got another person to do the PA work (even though only on Monday I was informed that I'd be doing it). She also added that she spoke to my agent (what about I don't remember).
Argh! What happened? Why did they tell me I'd be doing the new job and then they go and get another person to do it? I realise that it would be unrealistic for me to do the PA job part-time, but surely they knew that already. Why offer it to me then?
Since I've finished the temporary assignment (that I was hired for) a few weeks too early, my supervisor was struggling to find me work. I would've been happy to surf the net but my computer is located in a nice view of everyone. She found me the worst job - packing boxes! I had pieces of dusty cardboard all over my clothes. And I was getting the old complex that I got when I was doing my first temp job - "I'm smarter than all of you, why am I doing this?! My brain and skills are totally wasted on this". I hate feeling so superior, yet not doing anything even slightly important.
On a brighter note, last night when I was talking to David on the phone and I heard his Mum come home, I kept hearing her say, "David, let me talk to Sky! I want to talk to her!" and David going, "Nooo!" and them laughing. Then, he kept repeating to me what his Mum wanted to ask me. She asked whether I was coming to the event that her work was catering for (where his step-family is going to be). I said I was. Hearing his Mum giggling and teasing David made me imagine what a great grandma she'd make and not a bad mother-in-law either.
Then I heard them talking in Spanish and David squeling (in a guyish way, of course) through laughter, "Mu-um! No!" and more laughter. I demanded to know what his Mum was saying. He told me she asked to invite my parents so it can be "Meet the Parents" type thing. That was a surprise. Didn't realise she wanted to meet my parents. David said, "It's way too soon!" and I agreed. Although I kept joking that they mght 'accidentally' be there.
After I hung up with him, I had a bit of a panicky feeling about us getting serious. And yes I know, my last entry was about marrying him. But there's SUCH a big difference from enjoying unrealistic day dreams and actually living them.
Damn, I miss him. Can't wait to see him tomorrow. I really don't know how people in long-distance relationships cope. The thirty minute drive between us feels like different countries and not seeing him for almost a week is like not seeing him for a year. Wish I could keep him close to me all the time.
me: I wish I would feel like this all the time
David: you will...
Job Search Continues
My whole point of not working 5 days a week at a temp job was so that I would have time to call up places and do the film thing. Well, the film thing is over now so I'm left with two free days. In theory I have time to call up jod ads and send out my resume at work, but in practice it's impossible. You can see what I'm doing on my computer at work from almost any angle and my phone conversations are heard by everyone. And it makes me so suspicious when someone calls me back about a job and I have to talk to them about my experience and skills, and everyone around me suddenly goes quiet.
So being able to do this in the privacy of my own home is a lot more convenient. And having these days off motivates me more to look for a job because it still gives me that bad feeling of unemployment. Although, only three days of work per week is starting to relax me a bit about a job because it earns me enough money for my expenses and takes out the urgency of finding a proper job.
I was feeling so frustrated today because I felt like such a bludger being at home. And I hate feeling so lazy. Does nothing for self-respect. To make myself feel a bit better, did all the housework that was possible. All the washing, ironing, dusting, cleaning and cooking I could. And I hate housework. Just made me feel a little more useful.
I refuse to end up being some housewife. I want so much to have a satisfying job where I could put all my energies. Why is it so hard. I don't know what I can do to improve my chances of getting a good job.
Did I mention the place where I work offered me a full-time position being a PA? I told the manager I was interested in graphic/web design and reminded him that the company produces a monthly magazine and a website that needs maintaining with which I could help. He said he used to go to the pub with the woman in charge of that and he'll talk to her. The other manager said he would too but he never did, unsurprisingly. So I'm not counting on this one, although it would be just so wonderful if he would. I'll be doing this PA position part-time now so I'll be sure to remind him of what he said.
Working in a government organisation is so different to the one I worked in at the beginning of the year. It's so more relaxed. No one stays up till 7pm. By 5pm, most of the office is empty. My Mum was telling me how it's very difficult to get into a government organisation but once you do, it's not too hard to move between different ones. Although the subject matter of this magazine and website isn't too exciting for me, I would absolutely love to get experience working there. Plus, the location is perfect.
Sigh. Must think practically and remember that it's not impossible to find a career-related job since I've already done that before. David said to just be patient and keep trying. Which is what I'm doing. A job's gotta turn up soon, right?
Meanwhile, I'll just look on the bright side - David.
April's David-like Guy
I was talking to April earlier today about her new exciting life. She's enjoying studying Law but I think she's happier about all the guys that she's surrounded with. Totally understandable. I'm finding it hard to keep up with all the ones she told me about. I'm so happy that she has all these distractions so she doesn't have time to be upset about being single. She actually told me that for the first time in her life she's enjoying it. Not surprised. By her stories, it sounds like she only hangs out with guys now.
There's one South American guy who sounds SO much like David. Fingers crossed they'll end up going out. How cool would it be for us to have similar boyfriends after all the shared pain? This guy also initiates a lot so it makes it easier for her. But she seems to have changed quite a bit because of all the initiation she does with guys. No wonder she has so many more guys around her now. I'm quite excited for her.
Can't wait till she gets a boyfriend too. I wonder what it'll be like for her.
Meanwhile, here I am constantly imagining what life would be like with David, if we got married. It's fun to make up scenarios in my head. I used to do it before too but the difference now is that the guy is not some blank face. Now he has a face and a personality. For some reason I doubt I'll marry him, but why not enjoy these daydreams while I can, right?
I don't even know how I feel about him now. I think my emotions are taking over so I can't think logically and objectively. When his Mum called him to ask if I could talk to his sister about her career options because she's interested in studying Design, I almost felt like they accepted me into their family. Silly, I know.
And he invited me to an outing where even his step-family is going to be at. He told me they were very interested in meeting me! I was like, "What did you tell them about me?!" and he said, "Nothing, just told them that I was going out with this really great girl..." I don't know why but I'm nervous. It's not like it's his close family but still.
Our Future Life
It's so easy to imagine our life together... I'd come back from my graphic design job at a little after 6pm. He would either be back from uni (this is if we get married in the next two years) or from his part-time accounting job (because he would change to part-time study if we get married). We'd have dinner together and talk about our days. He would study some nights and on Saturday mornings when I would do the laundry. Then, we'd go grocery shopping (which we might do on Thursday/Friday nights) and at night maybe meet up with some friends. On Sundays we'd visit our families. Or we might go somewhere outdoors.
I'd get annoyed at him for not helping enough with housework. He'd get annoyed at me for worrying too much. Then he'd help out and I would calm down. We would talk about everything. We'd discuss everyone and when we're not tired, we'd act silly and childish.
Then, after our first child is born, he would be out of uni and would be working. Life would get hectic but we'd support each other and be rewarded with inner-peace and content. Our families would help us out so I'd be able to go to work as soon as possible. I might work part-time until the child turns two when he/she will be going to day care. Then I would have another child. When that child is old enough to go day care, I'd go back to work and try to re-establish my career (which wouldn't be too established by then anyway).
So while our kids are growing up, David and I would be working hard to get our careers going. Of course, this doesn't mean our kids are going to be left alone. We would spend time with them when we get home and on the weekends. Some weekends they can spend with the grandparents (or even great grandparents) so David and I could spend them doing housework and have some time to ourselves. I would get annoyed at David for working too much. He'd get annoyed that when he is home, I'm too busy with the kids. We'd talk about it and comprimise our schedules.
When the kids become teenagers and David and I are financially well-off, we'd travel. Then, when the kids grow up and move out, David and I would step back from our careers and have more free time to ourselves. We'd reminisce about our lives and would still be able to make each other laugh.
Then, when we retire, we'd take a long trip overseas and enjoy ourselves. When we're back, we'll be busy with the grandkids who'll no doubt be staying over at our place while their parents work hard. We'd tell them stories of what it was like when we were young and they'd tell us the gossip from their lives, swearing us to secrecy and not to tell their parents. David and I would laugh at them when they leave. Then we'd put some music and dance like the 'old' times.
Ok, I think I just got too carried away just then.
You'd think I'd be over getting excited about talking to David but I'm not. Last night when he called and said, "Just really wanted to talk to you", my heart filled up with joy. When I said I was just thinking the same, I could hear him smiling through the phone receiver from the way he stretched out, "Aww, reeally?? Me toooo!!"
All my insecurities stemmed from feeling that no one (who wasn't obligated like my family) thought I was truly wonderful and special. Of course, my close friends made me feel good but it was never the same as how David makes me feel. I don't carry that heavy weight of feeling alone anymore. And that feels sooooo good.
April thinks my infatuation is turning into an obsession. As long as David doesn't think so. Ever since the time when he didn't think it was obvious I liked him, I now freely say how I feel about him and how happy he makes me. So there's definitely no more confusion. And hey, I wasn't the one who called less than a day after seeing him, so it's not one way. Unless it's a two way obsession. And that could be called passion, right?
I wonder if it's possible for the first relationship to be the one you're meant to be in all your life... Or is he going to end up a story I tell my kids about my first boyfriend who taught my heart to salsa? (I'm trying not to make my blog sound like some tacky 80s romance book but my head right now is filled with feelings that are not suited to cynicism which I know my blog used to have plenty of.)
My view of the world has smoother edges now. The empty holes have been filled with soft and fluffy cushions and sparks of light and fiery warmth. Sunset's glowing colours. The waves of the deep blue ocean. Exotic rhythms. Flowing movements. I never want to leave this place.
I saw a bit of Big Brother 5 (or whatever series they're up to) and heard something that has been mentioned before in several media.
One guy said that he learnt that a female gets turned on by what she hears and how the guy makes her feel, whereas a guy is turned on visually, by what he sees. I would have to agree with the female part because I know that attraction is mostly emotional for me. It's all about how I feel inside and that's triggered by what I hear.
So is it true that guys are mostly stimulated visually? Or is it less black and white? Would love to hear guys' views on this. Or what other girls think.
Message Board Extra
So the 'distancing myself from David' idea wasn't ever really going to work. Way too hard. Feelings of missing him overwhelm me sometimes. Like now.
My Mum found yet another guy to introduce me to. His name is also David. And he's studying to be a doctor. He's also POBian which makes him a perfect candidate, on paper. Mum said his Mum suggested it because she was getting worried about him since he's 23. Mum told her I already had a boyfriend but she somehow managed to let the guy's Mum know that she wanted me to meet other guys before I got too carried away with this one. It's like she convinced herself that David is only temporary. She said to me, "I know you're uncertain about him so I don't want you to keep going out with him for so long it becomes too hard to break up." I told her I was certain now and she almost had a heart attack. It was quite funny. And as I said it, I felt that I finally decided that I don't want to lose David because I can't even last a day without him.
Oh my God, David just called and I didn't hear my phone (Mum just let me know). He must've felt my longing for him.
I'm having a fight with my brother. Not one of the little ones you forget about the next day, but a big one where we haven't been talking for over a week. I remember we had one this size same time last year. And I also remember admitting it was mainly my fault and apologising to him which he didn't make easier since he wouldn't accept my apology and my want to sort things out.
But this time, I can't apologise because I'm too upset at what he said to me. And if I try to make up with him, I know he'll think that what he did wasn't so bad. He's going to think it's ok. And it's definitely not ok. He doesn't even realise how hurtful he's been. When my Mum tried to get in the middle (in her typical fashion), she said that he thinks he did nothing wrong and that I deserved it. Which makes me just SO ANGRY. The fact that he said that I say worse things is such a lie, I get so frustrated.
I quickly mentioned to David that I wasn't talking to Andy (as part of another conversation) and I didn't realise he was going to get so interested. He started asking me questions about it. And I didn't want to tell him what Andy said because I didn't want David to judge him based on that since he didn't know what he was really like.
Even though I tried to change the subject and told him that I didn't want to talk about it, he somehow managed to get the general idea of what happened. And I didn't expect him to start getting angry about it. He started saying how he was going to talk to him, which totally freaked me out. Made him promise not to 'cause I know that would make things so much worse if he started getting involved.
I so didn't think he would start getting the way he was. His eyes bore into mine and my eye started watering so I got worried that he might think I was about to cry, which I wasn't. So I looked away. Which surely made him think that I was going to cry. I was getting so uncomfortable having him staring into me so much which I let him know. Told him the fight wasn't really a big deal and I was just being sensitive about it. He didn't look like he believed me. Made me regret mentioning it to him at all. Although it was nice to know how loyal he was. And he wasn't like one of those people who try to be on everyone's side. I knew he'd always be on mine.
He said that he never had a fight with his sister where they didn't speak for a week. Made me feel like I was the one in a dysfuntional family, rather than him.
This all happened after Ria's birthday party. Her party was a lot better than last week's one. There was plenty of yummy food, fun mingling and getting to know new people, and of course dancing. If I was single, the party would've been great considering that about 90% of people were single. But being with David was even better. I didn't even get to talk to him much. After first chatting with him and Ryan, I soon moved on to other people. I felt pleased that I was able to easily chat to people I've never met before and didn't need David. Although it felt nice to meet later and talk with each other.
I had two guys ask me to dance. Unbelievable, when I was single no one asked me. One guy first asked David if it was ok. How weird. Like I couldn't decide for myself! He was another one of the advanced dancers (which there were plenty of since a lot of them met at a dance class).
I don't know if I'm being biased but no one compares to how it feels to dance with David. The high I used to get from dancing before meeting David was pretty big, but now it grew so much, I feel like I'm in ecstasy. Seriously. Who needs drugs when I can just dance with David? And to top it off, David said the same thing about dancing with me. It's times like these that I can't even imagine finding another guy who would make me feel that way.
Yesterday was the first time I had lunch with other people from work. There was some celebration and since I was helping out the department which organised it, I got invited.
As we were sitting down around the narrow tables, I saw a guy who was my age! Amazing. I think he noticed me for the same reason, since the average age at my work is at least 40. Unfortunately I didn't get to sit with him. Sat with some lady who told me she started working at the company in 1987. It's weird to think that for most of my life she she was working at that place. I don't know why but when she said that, it made me feel quite young. Another thing that made me feel young was the following conversation:
woman 1 (30 y.o.): you know Jessica Simpson?
woman 2 (about 40 y.o.): who?
woman 1: from the TV show?
woman 2: oh! Bart Simpson's sister!
If I was talking to people my age, there would be no confusion who Jessica Simpson was.
When I got back to work, I found a message from David asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him. Couldn't believe he wanted to meet up for lunch when I've only seen him on Wednesday night and was going to see him that night. I would've loved to have lunch with him but of course it had to be the day on which for once I had someone to eat with.
He came over at around seven. We were thinking of going somewhere but were both too lazy. So we just hung around in my lounge room.
He showed me how to do the complicated dance moves. Too bad he didn't know the girl's steps so had to try and figure them out ourselves so they synchronised with the guy's ones. When he was trying to teach me, he morphed into a typical dance instructor so well I had to try and not giggle at him. I could totally imagine him being any one of the dance instructors that I had when I went to dance classes. He made me practice them over and over so that I wouldn't have to think about them but do them automatically. He tried to use the piano practising analogy. Of course he was right and practice makes perfect.
I also showed him photos/videos of me when I was little. I should've known that just mentioning them would make him want to see them. But even though I wish I checked which ones were embarrassing beforehand, it actually made me quite pleased that he was interested in seeing them.
I don't know how we got on this topic but he said, "We're going overseas in two years". I was like, "So you decided this already for me?" and he said, "Wanna come?" so then we started talking where we wanted to go (which were the same places; didn't realise he actually really wanted to go to Scandinavia as much as me). It was nice to know he already included me in his future.
At one point our conversation slipped to politics but he immediately changed the subject.
It was such a lazy Friday night but having a boyfriend to spend it with made it perfect. If only I could go back in time and tell my old self not to stress and worry so much about being single because the best was yet to come.
Yesterday morning, public transport behaved quite well and I got to my interview about 7 minutes early. The lady who interviewed me reminded me of the grandmother from The Princess Diaries. She was friendly, polite and professional. All of these qualities can put you at ease and make you anxious at the same time. She talked for a quite a bit and I started feeling very conscious of my face expression which I'm sure made it not look very natural. I wanted to look like a good listener but I think I was too aware of my intentional nods and smiles which might've made them seem forceful and showed my nervousness. I left the interview not too satisfied.
The woman asked me to get her the contact numbers of the referees that she picked out herself. Never had anyone go through my resume and ask for specific people. One of the ones she chose was the manager from my very first temp job (where I only worked for like two weeks).
As soon as I got home, I quickly found all the numbers and emailed them, hoping that these people would not say anything bad about me.
April came over during the day which was great. We played all our silly games, gossiped, reminisced, imagined the future, laughed so much we couldn't stand and acted the same way we did when we were teenagers. Every time we spend at each other's houses, I feel like we never grew up. I wouldn't be surprised if we still act like that when we're 40 and are married with kids (yes, I'm feeling hopeful at the moment).
One difference was that David kept messaging me 'cause he wanted to have lunch together and I told him that I couldn't but would meet him at 5/6. I expected him to decline but he agreed. He sounded excited about it which cheered me up.
While I was on the train to meet him, I got a call from the place where I had the interview in the morning telling me I was unsuccessful. Even though I didn't think I'd get it, hearing the confirmation was still painful. Rejection never feels good, no matter how much you expect it (which I didn't since I didn't think they'd get back to me so soon). Couldn't stop wondering if it was because the person after me was so much better or if one of the referees said something bad.
When I saw David, I tried not to seem like I just had a blow to my gut (which was how I felt). He seemed happy to see me because he was all hyper and wouldn't stop talking. His continuous chatter suited me fine because I didn't feel like talking. He told me how he went out with the guys (Ryan and a uni friend) yesterday and how much fun they had playing video games and pool and how he had seafood for dinner which he loved. I wondered if he would notice I was quiet but he didn't, until later when he asked me how my day was. I told him what I did but didn't say that I didn't get the job until he asked how it went. Once I said it out loud, it was much harder to act happy and light-hearted. He did his comforting obligations which were appreciated.
Then, we went to play pool. I totally couldn't remember the rules and thought he said that you win when you hit the black ball (forgot that you should only hit it after you sink all your balls). So the fact that I was sinking more balls than him didn't help when I thought I'd be good and sink the black ball to win. Silly me. He found it quite funny. But I was quite pleased that my aim was better than I (or he) expected.
Afterwards, we sat in a booth and chatted about silly things. Then we went to another free place that was closed off to the freezing weather outside. We sat around and talked about what each of us imagined our perfect home to be like. It was amazing how alike our dream house was. The only difference was that I didn't actually want to live in our impractical perfect house, but he did. Although he said he'd only move there after he retires, which I guess I wouldn't mind doing either. By the end of my time with David, I was all cheered up.
I caught the train home with my Mum. When we were waiting for the train, I didn't expect to meet this 27 year old guy. So unexpected. Man, he was so cute and funny. He kept teasing my Mum which was so amusing. I imagined introducing him to April because I knew she'd love him. He was so cheeky. Then, Mum let me know that he was planning on marrying his girlfriend (who lived in France). Damn. Mum said he has a more serious friend who she liked more. What she doesn't understand is that April is serious enough as it is, she needs someone who's more fun. But how weird to put a face to the story.
I was so excited yesterday because I got asked for a job interview. I organised it for today in the morning. I was totally prepared to go, when the guy at my train station announced that the train was going to be at least 20 minutes late! I couldn't believe that one day when I needed it to come on time (or the usual few minutes late), it decided to not show up.
I quickly went home to get the car so I could drive to the next station (which has more trains). I knew there would be no way that I would get there on time, even though the next train was an express one. Just as I was about to get on, the place where I was supposed to have the interview called to ask me if it was ok to have the interview at a different time. I couldn't believe my luck and was grateful I didn't call them earlier to let them know I was going to be late.
Then, the woman on the phone asked if it was ok to have it another day. Not half an hour or an hour later. But not today! And she called 45 minutes before I was supposed to get there. If my train was on time, I would've already been halfway there. And if she called a minute later, I would've been on the express train which would've not stopped for another twenty minutes.
Even though I guess it worked out ok, I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to go today. Have to go tomorrow instead, an hour earlier than today which means I'll have to wake up extra early. And which means April will have to come over later than planned.
Then another agency called about a job, letting me know that the place that was hiring was very busy at the moment and wouldn't get back to me for another week.
God, I just want my career to start already. When I was talking to April on Sunday, she mentioned that I didn't seem to be worried about finding a proper job. What she didn't realise was that for once I got so distracted, I forgot about it. I thanked her for so kindly reminding me.
As I work at my temporary place and see some middle-aged women doing administration, I get a bit panicky about ending up the same. Sure, it can be fine for them, but the thought of filing and 'assisting' for the rest of my life really freaks me out. I want to be the one who's assisted, not the other way around. I want to be the one doing the actual job, not the one doing the little things to help other people do the big things. High school was harder than what I do now.
When I got home, David sent me a message asking if we were still meeting up tonight. That got me a little confused because we never planned to meet up tonight. I was in the middle of messaging him to say that even though we haven't planned it I'd meet him, when he sent me another message, saying that his previous one wasn't for me.
Don't know why but it was the first time I felt a little offended in a jealous way. Never felt like that when he danced with other girls in front of me or when he told me about some girl who kept wanting to meet up with him or when a girl asked him out, even though she knew he had a girlfriend. Just did not care in the slightest. April said it was probably because I totally trusted him or just didn't like him enough to care. I told her it was probably because he was open about all those things and wasn't trying to hide them. He was too casual about them to make me think it was anything significant.
But now I felt weird because he was always saying how he likes to meet up on the weekend so that he can concentrate on his uni stuff on the weekdays. And he knows I'd much prefer to see him in a more spread out time, rather than two days in a row and not at all for five days. Wonder what he's going to be up to. And if he did 'accidentally' send it to me, how did he realise that so soon? Anyway, I think I'm letting my disappointment and frustration at not being able to get a permanent job influence my feelings about David.
Maybe I should start to distance myself a bit to reduce the hurt later, when we inevitably break up.
The last sentence actually sounds weird, considering how yesterday I kept imagining how nice it would be to be married.
I swear, my rollercoaster view changes of what I want from this relationship are crazy. One moment I just want to be with him forever and the next I couldn't care less when I see him.
Last night was quite interesting. It was the first time I brought David to a party with uni friends. Just to see the looks on everyone's faces when I walked in with him was priceless. Every girl came up to ask me about him. I was paranoid about telling people how we met because of such rare circumstances and in case they read this.
Also the other party we went to (for Valerie) was interesting as I didn't really know anyone other than her, April and a girl I haven't seen since high school. I was one of the few with a boyfriend. David pointed out how it was mainly girls. I guess he's not used to those sort of parties. This is what happens when you go to an all girls' high school. You end up knowing tons of girls and no guys.
April and I kept giggling at some things that had more meaning to us, which I think might've made David feel a bit left out. After an hour, we left for the uni party. That's when the 'argument' started. I felt too uncomfortable walking in holding his hand so I took my hand, just in front of the door. He got really offended. I wish I could erase that moment. I didn't want to go in without sorting it out but I realised that wasn't going to happen. His moods have such an influence on mine that I started to feel terrible too. I wish I could get rid of my insecurities about acting couply in public. I told him I just wasn't used to it and it wasn't because I didn't want to be with him. He said, "I think you're not ready for a relationship". I was too stuck for words and couldn't think of anything to say.
When we got in, I introduced him to everyone and was met by 'looks' and Lilly trying not to laugh (because that was one thing she didn't expect). David soon noted that we were in the 'couples' area because all the couples were along one side of the bar while the usual group of girls were on the other, chatting. Usually I would be with them, but this time I wasn't. David said that I didn't have to stay with him the whole time so I went to talk to the girls and he soon made friends with the other boyfriends (who usually just stand around by themselves). Katie pointed out how he and her boyfriend were getting along quite well. I love how he can hold his own at parties where he doesn't know anyone.
The party wasn't that exciting so everyone left pretty early. We went for a walk afterwards and sorted out the 'argument'. It's so good he's the type that needs to talk about his problems because he doesn't like to bottle them up and let them grow inside. Makes things easier, even though sometimes I wish he would just forget the stupid things I do and move on. Oh my God, this is starting to sound like a reverse of the typical female/male reactions.
He came over to my house afterwards (since he left his car here). We stayed up chatting. As I was sitting on the couch close to him, I felt like I could stay like that with him forever because I have never been more comfortable or happier. I said, "I feel like I'm dreaming" (because I've had plenty of similar dreams of happiness in my pre-boyfriend stage) and he said with a glint in his eye, "I can make all your dreams come true". I swear, he never runs out of cliches. But I don't care. I loved it. My favourite cliche is when he tells me that he likes all of me, the good and the bad, just the way I am. Oh and I also like the one about making him feel completed. My latest favourite non-cliche was when he told me how he really liked how I didn't swear. Such an unexpected thing for him to like. Considering that he does swear sometimes. But I like those little things that he notices about me.
I made him sleep for a few hours so he'd be ok to drive back. I offered for him to stay till the morning but he wanted to be back by then.
At the party, the birthday girl said that the first few months were always exciting. I wonder when the excitement will wear off. I feel like the more comfortable I get with him, the better it gets.
It is always the case that after weeks of no parties, there's two to go to in one night.
One of them required dressing up which is fun once in a while, but takes longer to get ready. I started early, in case something went wrong. And of course it did. I ripped my good stockings after taking extra care putting them on. It's at the moment I wished I could turn back time to the previous few seconds when I wouldn't decide to adjust them.
Then, since I got dressed with heaps of time left, I decided to polish one of my rings that was starting to look a little on the rusty side. I thought I'd just quickly do it in my room, totally forgetting that the liquid wasn't as thick as I remembered last and tipping the bottle far enough to splash all over my wallet, desk, chair and my skirt. I tried to calm myself down because there was still 30 minutes left till David was supposed to come (and I wasn't expecting him on time since he finished work late). My Mum helped me clean my wallet and skirt. I was worried that the stain on the skirt would still be visible after it dried (in front of the heater).
While the skirt was drying, I decided to quickly have dinner but I didn't realise how hot it was and burnt my tongue. Then, when I went to find another wallet to put my money in (since the cleaned one still smelled of that liquid), I heard someone walk up to our house and ring the doorbell. I hoped that it wasn't David because it was still 20 minutes before he was supposed to arrive, but of course it was him. I quickly grabbed my skirt (which fortunately dried to its original condition) and ran to my room. I heard my Dad open the door for him and as soon as I put on my clothes, I quickly went to the lounge room where my Dad was talking to him.
I so wanted to impress him with how I looked but I was so flustered, it didn't work. For once I was dressed nicely and was expecting some comment but disappointingly didn't get one.
I got my Mum to feed him dinner while I finished getting ready. I could hear them all talking in the kitchen while I was in my room. Wished I could listen to their conversation.
Lesson learnt: don't get ready too early because there will be something else to do that has a risk of going wrong and wasting more time trying to fix it.
But the good thing is that now David won't be so shy around my family since he now knows how easy-going they are.
I really missed David last week 'cause I haven't seen him until yesterday. And now I feel kinda empty. Not because he left but because once again he said things that made me feel like he really is just very temporary and he's definitely not the type of guy I want to have a future with. Every time that happens, I immediately try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind because if I don't have him, I'm back to being horribly single (and I absolutely hated that, as you would know). I know that's a bad reason to keep a boyfriend around, but it's a realistic one.
I've never been the type of person to lie to myself (only others) but I can feel myself sugar-coating him to manipulate my own perspective of him. Every time I think, "If he was my type, he would never say that", straight afterwards I think, "But he also said..." which makes the first thing not so bad. And then I get confused and find it impossible to see my view of him objectively.
Even had a momentary thought about asking my Mum to introduce me to that POBian guy she was telling me about. But it passed because I know I can't do that to David.
Last week, David was telling me (on the phone) about the time limit he's giving himself to find a career-related job and it made me notice that he always gives different areas of his life time limits. I was planning on asking him what time limit he's giving our relationship, but there was no appropriate moment. I wonder what he'd say. Maybe I should give it a time limit myself. Should I give it 6 months? A year? And what happens after? What if I never find anyone even close to him? I know I would always regret it.
With some guys (that I've known, e.g. Tim), I'd ask myself "Would I rather be with him or alone?" and the answer would always be alone. But with David, there is no way I would rather be alone. He enhances my life, not takes away from it.
I guess now that I have a boyfriend, all I want is to find RG. That person I want to spend my life with. The best friend. The supporter. The person I could be totally and unconditionally in love with. Someone who'd feel like family.
And no matter how much I want this person to be David (because that would be the easiest and most convenient), something deep inside me knows that it can't.
Some people have bad hair days, while others just have bad days. Well, I've been having a bad skin day. Make it - days. The fact that the urticaria makes any not very noticeable blemishes into bumpy red patches really doesn't help. It really hasn't been bothering me before as much as now. For obvious reasons. You know that Clueless moment when Cher says that Amber is like a Monet painting, ok from far away but a big old mess close-up? I feel a bit like that. The problem is that it's a bit hard to keep David at a distance where he might not notice.
How nice would it be to be one of those girls with totally flawless skin...
Sky (from pre-bf stage): stop being superficial and complaining. At least you have a boyfriend.
I'm surprised it even went for this long but today I had to do it. I went to the library and got myself some books. I know I shouldn't have because David is going to loan me his friend's new Harry Potter book so I would need time to read that. The friend isn't supposed to know but David was like, "I trust you. Don't let anything happen to it". Hello, it's me you're talking to! I know what it's like to get obsessive about books. I get paranoid if anything happens to any of my books if I lend them to anyone. They go through a more rigourous expection than the bags at the airport. I know that a good way to convince someone to lend you something is to promise to replace the thing with a brand new one if anything happens to it.
So can't wait to read it before I find out anything about it. Last time someone started with "Oh you know when..." I immediately blocked my ears and was like "No! Don't say a word. Lalalalalala. I'm not listening. Lalalalalalala... Are you finished?" David rolled his eyes and said, "So you're one of those Harry Potter people?" and now he enjoys teasing me about it with his, "Do you want to know what happens when..." and "In Harry Potter..." And he hasn't even read it yet.
Anyway, the point was that I shouldn't have gone to the library and gotten more books. I got some easy reading material that I usually finish in a couple of days, but for some reason, the last few light reads like that didn't interest me as much as before. I want to read one of those books that get you completely engrossed and then leave you thinking about the characters and the story for weeks afterwards, until it becomes ingrained in your memory as one of the books you never forget. Any suggestions?
April (on one night stands): It's funny that in real life, to me that would be such a big deal, but when I see it on TV I'm surprised when they don't sleep together 'cause it's so common.
Since I have no work or film thing today, I have planned an extensive list of things that have to be done that I have been postponing to "when I have time". It's a new reason for procrastination for me since I no longer have uni assignments to do.
Here is what I should do:
1. send resume to a recruitment agent my Mum knows (done)
2. call the above recruitment agent
3. iron
4. dust my room
5. sort through all the paper in my room
6. read the road rules so I can finally get my full driver's licence
7. upload new songs to my mp3 player
8. edit all the digital photos I want printed and burn them onto a CD
Here is what I am doing: blogging about procrastinating (which is the ultimate form of it).
One out of eight is just not good enough. I know I would feel so relieved once I complete the list. It's just a matter of starting. But it's always a matter of starting. That's the hardest part. God, the list doesn't even look that bad. I'm so lazy.
I seem to go through stages of highly strung self-consciousness about what I blog about and now I'm back to totally distancing myself from who reads my blog. I'm back to the feeling of throwing my thoughts into the vast unknown and feeling anonymous. It's nice to feel like this is just a story of some fictional character that doesn't really exist. Every entry is just an exercise in creative writing and nothing more. And there is absolutely no connection between the events and characters of this story and real life. Ahh...
I was at work today and just as I walked out of the toilets, I saw a guy my age walking towards me. He kept staring so I smiled slightly (you know, the smile you force with your lips while your eyes are still totally neutral). Quickly imagined that if I didn't have David I would probably be fantasising about seeing him again and something developing. That image was quickly replaced by imagining seeing David instead of the guy. That put a smile on my face.
David David David.
Cannot get him out of my head. Everything just keeps playing over and over. I wish I could catch the memories of all those moments that made me feel so happy and content and warm in the palm of my hand, put them in a box and enjoy them any time I wanted to.
[Stop reading now if you plan on being cynical about mushy and sentimental stuff.]
David touched my face. I moved back his hand.
David: what's wrong?
me: uhm... I have a pimple there
David [laughs, hugging me tighter]: I like you with your pimples
If that's not a sweet thing, I don't know what is. I can be a pretty self-conscious person so it relaxes me so much when he says things like that, like he couldn't care less about the things that I worry so much about.
Last night as I was chatting to April, just started missing him. Felt physical discomfort. Called him and felt much better. I love how when I call, he always sounds so excited to hear from me, like we haven't spoken for ages.