A Lesson in a Song: Don't be Late

I was late by two minutes
But you are standing with the others
As though it is possible for us, as though
In two minutes to become strangers

I was late by just two minutes
By two minutes, as usual
Unless, explain to me, unless
Now to you, I am indifferent

Unless it's not a pity to you
This bouquet of lilacs
For you all parks
In summer blossom, believe me

Just believe me
Only believe me
Believe me

I was late, I was guilty
Forgive me, I won't do that again
But unless it's possible for us, unless
To become strangers in two minutes

I was late only a little bit
Not that, like last time, you know
I love you impossibly
But you left and don't know this.

I love these POBian lyrics. I tried to translate them as close to the original meaning as possible.

It makes me think. This guy who's singing the song was late by a little bit but it happened so often, his girlfriend couldn't wait for him anymore. Even though it's this guy's fault, I can't help but feel sorry for him. I mean, he loved her 'impossibly'. Who wouldn't want to be loved that much?

Yet he took her for granted and his actions didn't reflect his feelings. He thought his bouquets of lilacs for her showed his love for her but they didn't. It wasn't enough.

And now it was too late. She left and will never know what she meant to him.

The Sweet Life

My Mum and Andy brought back SO much chocolate from POB! We could probably start a little store.

I love it though. POBian chocolate is very different to Australian one. It's darker and has more of the cocoa taste, rather than milk and sugar. It's heavenly.

I gave some to David to try. I didn't think he'd like it since he prefers milk chocolate but he loved it! He said it wasn't really dark chocolate. It was just enough. I love it when he likes POBian things. It makes me feel closer to him.

We went to dinner with my relatives yesterday to celebrate my Mum's birthday. I was a little annoyed at them, especially my Uncle (sitting next to us), who could speak perfect English, yet he talked only in POBian, totally leaving David out of the conversation. I thought that was quite rude of him.

Afterwards, we went for a walk down the beach. The waves were so high, they kept splashing onto the elevated sidewalk. One wave almost hit me.

After our walk, we went to my house and caught up on Prison Break. I love watching it with David. Although I don't think he likes me asking him questions about the show that he has no way of knowing (e.g. "Why is he doing that?!")

At about midnight, he all of a sudden wanted to go for a walk. That was unexpected but fun. Good thing I live in a quiet suburb so it's no problem going for a walk down the street at that time. As we were walking, he looked up at the sky and it was so clear, stars were everywhere. He kept looking at them in wonder, saying what a beautiful night it was. His face was full of joy, like a kid's. It really stirred me seeing him appreciate nature. How many people stop to enjoy a night sky?

Then as we were crossing the road to the other side, he tried to dance with me. I was getting nervous some car would drive by but he was like, "Haven't you ever danced in the street?" It was weird because it was dark and completely empty. Like there was no one else in the world but us. It's moments like these that would probably stay in my mind forever.

When we got home, we sat for a while in my backyard. He showed me the Southern cross and we both tried to find Orion. We talked about Einstein's theory, the Big Bang and just the universe. He said it would be great if there was a genius who could come up with a solution to humanitarian causes, like poverty.

I just love talking with him. Sometimes he seems just like your average guy but deep down he knows a lot. History, Geography, Science. I always enjoy having conversations with him about those things. Even though it was really nice to talk to him about intellectual things, I know he's always great for some gossip too.

The longer we're together, the more I fall for him. It's unbelievable how much I feel for him. I'm just so grateful that after so much pain of being single for so long and always dreaming of the guy that I would have, he's finally here. He's real. He exists. And he's with me.

I want it to be like that forever.

Workaholic

I haven't written in all of three days! That hasn't happened for a while.

The reason for my lack of daily updates was: my eyes were too tired to even look at a computer screen. Was quite stressed with my second job where they gave me daily deadlines to finish work. So every night after I came home, I had to do more work. I usually collapsed in bed straight afterwards.

Last couple of weeks I worked over 60 hours a week. (That would make it 8 days a week.) David started calling me his "workaholic girlfriend".

I still managed to go to David's house on Wednesday night and also catch up with my Mum and Andy in the last two days since they got back. So as you can see, there wasn't much time to write here. And even when I could've fitted it in, the tiredness just overwhelmed me.

Anyway, Saturday morning makes me a feel a lot better since the daily deadlines that I had to work towards were extended till Monday. So here I am, with all the work already done. (Only a couple of minor changes to make.)

Had a mini-breakthrough with my favourite job yesterday.

I spoke with the woman who's going back into my position and she said she would love it if I stayed after my contract, doing the graphic design work. She even said she wouldn't mind doing something else if I wanted to do the design part of her role. It felt so good to hear her say that she liked having me there.

Then I talked with the Director and told her my idea of doing all the design work internally, rather than outsourcing from different agencies and freelancers. She said she thought it was a great idea. She also said that she was very happy with the work I've done and would try to find a way for me stay by hopefully creating a new position. It all depends on the budget.

Then, the first woman told me that she also spoke to the Director to tell her it would be great for me to stay and that the Director told her she completely supported having this new position.

So fingers (double and triple) crossed , I can stay at my temp job after all.

Must try not to get my hopes up though, just in case it doesn't work out. However, as we all know, someone giving me even a glimmer of hope is enough for my mind to get carried away.

How I want this...

Back Soon

My Mummy and Andy are coming back in two days from POB! I can't wait. The house has been pretty quiet with just Dad and me.

I'm excited to hear all the gossip about my relatives. Andy told me on the phone that they talk a lot about me and David. Can't say I'm too surprised but I want to know every detail of what they're saying.

Mum said my grandparents are not too well. That worries me. I don't want anything happening to them for at least another 20 years. I mean, they're only in their 60s. I guess, over there that age is older than it is here.

And I want them to be at my wedding. A little early for that, I know. But I really want them to be there.

On the weekend, we're going to celebrate my Mum's birthday. She turned 45. It's weird to think of my parents as 'middle-aged' now. I mean, they are young to me! I see my Mum going to work in her suits and stuff and I think of her as a 30-something. That's how I will always see her, I think.

Anyway, this will be the first time David will come to a big family gathering. All my relatives will be there. I don't know why but I'm nervous. I don't want them thinking we are very serious. I just don't want them making a big deal about it. This would be the first time they see me officially with a guy. I'm not sure if they know if I had any other boyfriends, but they definitely know I never had anyone serious long-term. This is why they'll be interested in him.

I guess it'll be easier after the first meeting. It's the first meeting that always makes me nervous.

It should be interesting, nevertheless.

My Dad really misses my Mum. Every time he's on the phone with her, he's got the biggest grin. It's so cute. I want to feel like that about my husband after over 20 years of marriage.

Can't wait till my brother gets a serious girlfriend so we could all feel like grown-ups. It's fun imagining us all meeting for dinner with our respective families.

I almost finished my work for tomorrow so I'm happy that I will have some time to read my books. I missed them.

End of Procrastination

I'm not bad anymore. I managed to finish the work I was supposed to do on the weekend. Of course, I could've done it all yesterday and finished whatever I have left today, giving me a nice break till Wednesday. Oh well, at least I don't feel too guilty anymore.

Emptyness

I don't know if this happens because I put so much value into my time with David but every time he leaves or we hang up the phone, I just feel totally empty. Even if we spend heaps of time together and I want to do something by myself (eg. blog/read/do work), I still feel like something has been taken out inside me.

I don't think this is normal. But then again, when have I ever felt 'normal'?

We have this thing that we prank each other's phones after we get home to let the other person know we're ok. Today, when he called, he wouldn't hang up so I picked up the phone. He said he got home ok. I said great and we hung up. Then I felt weird. I wondered why he called. Did he want to talk to me? Did I just cut him off?

When I went online (while I was doing work), he came online straight away. It's weird chatting to him online because for that moment it doesn't feel like we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It feels like we are just friends. We chat about the every day things. He said he was finishing his essay but would call me afterwards.

As soon as he signed off, that empty feeling came on again. I really have no idea why. I mean I knew I would speak to him soon but I couldn't help feeling... empty.

He called me in about an hour. We had a really nice friendly conversation. I was doing work at the same time so talking to him made me less bored.

When we finished, I felt weird again. It's driving me crazy. Why do I get like this?! Is it some internal psychological emotional dependency/affection/addiction/connection problem or am I just so into him, I want to spend every second together?

The Other Side of David

I'm very bad.

I didn't do all the work I was supposed to yesterday. And today, I still haven't started to do anything. I will regret it. I know it.

Last night was great and not so great. I've discovered something new about David. When he's sick, he's going to be in a cranky mood so it's no use taking anything he says to heart.

We went to his step-dad's dinner. David drove to my house so we could catch the train together. He was pretty sick with a very hoarse voice.

I was annoyed that he came late because he specifically told me to be on time so we wouldn't miss the train. As soon as I got in the car, he was already grumpy. I asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn't feeling well and he couldn't find his car radio which was why he was late. He was like, "It wasn't my fault!" Well, it must've been the radio's fault then for being under the car seat!

When we got to the station, he ran to get the ticket but he took long enough for us to miss our train. As he came on the platform, he asked if I had 40 cents because he didn't have enough cash for the ticket. That annoyed me because he never carries cash with him which I find pretty stupid. I told him he should have some with him at all times and he said, "Why should I?!" I didn't add, "For situations like these".

In the train, we didn't talk for 15 minutes. I was thinking and thinking how he shouldn't be mad at me. I didn't do anything. Then I thought, who cares who's fault it is, I'll try to make up. As soon as I got his attention, he completely dissolved and hugged me. Don't think he likes being frustrated with each other either.

So we were fine until we got the restaurant where we were supposed to meet his family and Rita's family.

We waited for 30 minutes. He was very agitated so I tried to distract him by having a conversation. But he wasn't even paying attention. Kept constantly looking out the window and at the door. I told him not to worry. Not like he was by himself. He said how annoyed he was that they weren't on time because he was really hungry and getting a headache. They were the ones late and he was taking it out on me. I didn't like that.

I stopped talking because I was tired of being friendly when he didn't care.

When everyone finally arrived, Sophie (Rita's 5 year old daughter) wouldn't leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, I love that kid but I wanted to have a conversation with the adults.

Her Dad is sooo below my level. He kept talking about guys who he thought were gay because they were too soft or too nice or not manly enough. He kept saying 'fags' which really annoyed me. Then he even said, "I'm as manly as they come. There is no softness here anywhere." That made me only feel sorry for him because he was so insecure about his sexuality. He also said how drunk everyone got last weekend ("lying around like whales") and we should've stayed longer. I was happy we didn't. (And there was no need to offend whales.)

I can't stand people like him.

On the way back, David was still cranky so I decided to make conversation but whatever I said he would just reply with an opposite remark. When we got on the train, David sat on a different seat to where I was about to sit. So I proceeded to sit on the seat I first planned on while he sat a few seats away. I was furious that he didn't want to sit with me.

I kept overexaggerating my angry face expression in the hope that he would see how upset I was. He didn't because he was asleep.

The train decided to terminate a few stations before ours. We got out and stood far enough for others to think we were strangers. While we were waiting, some guy next to me said, "Don't worry, it's warm on the train. You look cold". Even a freaking stranger noticed how freezing I was. While my boyfriend didn't even notice the guy saying anything to me.

On the next train, David sat on a seat behind me. Ok, so if on the previous train it could've looked like I was sitting away from him, on this one he sat away intentionally.

When we finally got to our station and got into his car, it wouldn't start. It was definitely because of the cold. So we called roadside assistance.

We sat in the car in silence but then started talking. He said he wanted to resolve the problem. I asked him why he didn't sit with me. He said it looked like I didn't want to sit with him. Then we talked some more. We argued, we got upset, we discussed, we made up. He said he wasn't usually like this and it was only because he was feeling sick. I said I knew now to leave him alone when he wasn't feeling well. He said he'd still like my company.

David said he was glad the car broke down so we could have that talk. I thought that was something that typically happened in romantic comedies. (Girl and boy fight. Girl and boy are stuck together in circumstances beyong their control forcing them to make up.)

When we got home, we didn't go to sleep until 4am. Woke up pretty late today. Hence, a whole weekend almost gone without me finishing any work.

Engaged

The main elderly character in the play that we saw last week, said that she felt like she lived her life as a passenger in a train. Just watching everything go by without taking any part in it.

David said he used to feel like that. That was hard to believe considering he lived a pretty full life. I knew how he felt though. There were many times when I didn't feel like I was participating in life. Like I was at a distance from everything else - close but not actually there.

The last few weeks, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was intertwined with every aspect of life.

Every time I drive home after work, I just feel really full. I love watching the bridge curve under me, with light giving everything a mystical glow, creating different moods. Either the warm sun reflecting on the landscape or the cool breeze making the air crisp. The beauty around me just overwhelms me. It's absorbed into every fibre of my soul.

It's the busyness that's causing me to be so in tune with the world and everything in it.

For the first time, I'm completely engaged. With life.

A Blog Break

Phew! Finally I get a break just to blog.

I only have about 15 minutes before I have to get ready to go salsa tonight with David.

I'm still a little amazed at myself that I'm fitting in two busy jobs, going out, exercising and maintaining the household (while my Mum is away). And with minimal whinging.

I only cut down on TV.

Last night David came over but we had to postpone the "Prison Break"date to another time because my eyes needed a break. We went for a walk/run which was so great!

I gave him a piano lesson. That was fun. He's so patient. I would've been bored playing the same few notes of a song after two goes. However, he wanted to practise it until it was perfect. He said he wanted to buy his step-sister's old piano. Then he realised he doesn't have any space for it.

We also practised some salsa moves because I don't want to look embarrassing tonight. I thought I would've forgotten it but we did it pretty smoothly, even the hard parts.

After he left, I did some more work, while chatting to people from uni. That was nice. I haven't been going out with them for a while. Might see them this weekend.

Today, I had so much work to do, I should've stayed back, but I had to go to my other job. Fortunately, they don't expect me there until next Wednesday which gives me plenty of time to complete the given tasks.

I'm a little stressed whether my manager will be annoyed with me that I didn't finish all the work before I left.

Anyway, no point worrying about it now. Will go and enjoy myself tonight.

Two Jobs - One Big Problem

I'm just so tired.

I almost hate my part-time job. Every time I go to that office to work, my head is just in complete chaos. It's impossible to find files. I can't do half the things I can on a PC. The manager always picks at the tiniest things with the most cheerful tone (which is starting to irk me).

All I want is just to stay at my day job. Sure I have tons of work there but everything's so organised, I always feel on top of things.

I'm dreading that I would have to quit the contract before it ends so I can keep the stupid part-time job. The manager already bugged me today about whether I know when it will end. I told her the other manager is on holidays for another 2 weeks so I couldn't ask.

I don't know how long I can keep lying about it to stretch time.

All I want is for the contract job to be a permanent one.

I have a feeling it won't happen. This is what makes me upset.

***

David just called from work. I feel better already.

Hopelessly Crazy

I haven't written this in a while but I miss David.

Yes, I've seen him every day since Thursday and yes, I've even talked with him today.

Yet something inside me yearns for him. I wish he was here right now.

I want to talk to him more about the future because that always gets me excited. I just want to talk to him, full stop.

It's weird but even when I get annoyed at him, I still want to be with him. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was mad at him and what do I do? I call him.

Is that weird?

I'll see him on Wednesday for our new regular "Prison Break" 'date'. He said he will come earlier so we could go for a walk. I know I desperately need it.

I enrolled in a dance class. Not a partner one. I realised I don't really want to dance with creepy old men because in reality, most men who go to dance classes are there to pick up. That's a fact. The one I'll be going to sounds fun. It's a mixture of latin, funk and hip hop moves. Can't wait!

The Mysteries of the Male Mind

On Saturday night, when we went to see the play, I decided to dress nicely. I wore my grey denim skirt with brown threading, my brown suede boots and a nice brown wrap-around top with a lacy border over a light purple patterned thin top. Plus some nice silver and black accessories. Fortunately I was also having a good hair day so my hair looked soft and fluffy. When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked totally cool and would definitely impress David.

All night he didn't make one comment. No "Oh, you look nice!" or "You're pretty today!" Nothing.

Pathetically, I fished for a compliment by telling him he looked great (which he did). Surely he was going to reciprocate. Nope. I even asked him directly if he liked my boots. All he said was, "Yeah, they're nice". I gave up. If he wasn't going to see how cool we looked, it was his problem.

Then, on Sunday night, when I came to his house to go to Rita's, I was dressed in my usual jeans, a green singlet and a plain sporty brown zipped up jacket (the one people usually go for a run in). No funky accessories and my hair tied in a ponytail.

As soon as he saw me he exclaimed, "Hey, you look great!"

Unbelievable.

The Big Kids

Last night David and I went to his step-sister's house for a BBQ dinner.

When we got there, we saw that everyone was in their 30s so we didn't feel like we fit in with the crowd. We sort of stayed inside entertaining each other.

His step-sister, Rita, tried to get us to join in with the others but it was a bit hard 'cause the men were pretty loud and talked about their own thing.

As usual, we ended up playing with the kids. Rita called us "the big kids".

Apart from the two daughters, there was another girl who couldn't walk properly. She had a special frame to help her. David told me her mother was only a couple of years older than him and was single. Like the mother, the child was beautiful. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a disabled kid on my own. The woman was very quiet and looked tired.

What really touched my heart was that this girl didn't act like she was different at all. She was running around with her frame faster than all the other kids. At one point when Rita's girl finished bouncing on one of the cushiony kids' chairs, this other girl said to me, "Can you help me get to that chair because I can't walk". She said it so matter-of-factly, like it was nothing unusual and not something I would notice.

Sophie (Rita's 5 year old daughter) didn't treat the other girl any differently. That and lots of other things showed how mature she was for her age. When the adults talked about her when she was right there, I could see her watching them and listening to every word. I think parents forget that most five year olds are completely conscious of their surroundings and understand more that the adults think.

She showed me her room and 80% of her things were pink. I asked her, "Do you like pink?" and she replied, "No! I hate pink but my Mum buys it anyway". Reminded me when I was young and my Mum would buy me clothes I didn't like.

Rita, herself, is a housewife. I could tell she loved it. David always said to me how he didn't understand why she wouldn't go back to work, now that her kids are not babies. He thinks the kids will depend on her too much. I wouldn't do it but I could see how much she enjoyed the stay-at-home life. She told us about all the school committees she joined and how she designed their house. She also seemed to like hosting dinner parties.

When she found out I could play piano (thanks to David), she got excited that she found a piano teacher for her kids. I didn't say that I wouldn't do it because I'm so busy. Although I'd like to.

It was such a different experience to go to Rita's house. I felt like my Auntie when my Mum invited her for dinner. The age gap is large but didn't separate us.

Afterwards, we went to the movies with Ryan. Couldn't believe he got us chocolate. We didn't get him anything. It's amazing how when I'm there he's really sweet and friendly but I know (from what David tells me) how he's different when there are no girls.

He got a new girlfriend and it's funny that he doesn't know that David's personal advice to him about his relationship is actually mine. (David always asks me what he should tell Ryan about his problems.) It seems to work because he's happy.

David and I are still waiting to meet this girl.

On the way back we had an argument because I got really upset at something he said at the party. He said he was joking. I told him it wasn't funny in the slightest. He apologised and said he didn't mean to upset me. I knew it wasn't intentional but it still hurt. I said I forgave him but inside I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Got home and called him. I told him him I couldn't get what he said out of my head, even though I knew he didn't mean it. He apologised again and told me he wouldn't do it again and he felt horrible about it.

Don't know why but just telling him how badly I felt really helped and made me get over it.

Today as I was emailing the work that I've done to the company, David was online so we chatted for like two seconds before he called my phone.

He told me he talked to Miguel online (since he's living in South America now) and he said he was coming back before David got married. Apparently Miguel is planning on returning next year.

First of all, if David gets married, I don't want that guy at the wedding. I can't stand him. He would ruin the 'perfect' day. I don't know why David is so attached to him. He says it's because he helped him before. Personally, I don't think this 'help' was really important.

Then we started talking about how some people get into marriage without really knowing the other person. I don't remember how but we got talking about who would do what when we live together. I said I don't mind doing all the cooking if only I don't have to clean the toilet. He said he doesn't mind doing the cleaning. Couldn't believe how easy it was to convince him to clean the bathrooms, vacuum and mow the lawn (if we have a house).

After we hung up, I realised that if I do marry David, it really wouldn't matter if Miguel came to the wedding. It's such a small price to pay for getting something amazing.

My Cool Parents

I realised that my parents are pretty cool. For parents.

I read and hear stories of other people's parents and it makes me happy about mine.

First of all, my parents never compared me with my brother, or anyone else for that matter. They never said, "You know this girl is getting higher marks, why aren't you?" They always focused on our talents and interests. For example, my Mum encouraged me to take Art lessons because she thought I need to 'nurture' my abilities. She even bought me an easel for no particular occasion. With my brother, my parents encouraged his sport.

Now, even though they're interested in our lives, they never bother me about coming home late. They let David stay over. I mean my Dad even asks me why he doesn't sometimes!

Even with my Mum's wishes for me to have a particular guy, she's accepted David completely because he makes me happy.

My Dad, who rarely let me have friends over, invites David to stay for dinner himself.

Of course I can list all the things that they bug me about but that would ruin the point of this post, and that is: my parents are great.

The Older Generation

Last night, April, David and I went to see a play. We were surprised to discover that the average age of the audience was about 55-60. It was funny to see how the older people laughed at some jokes like they could really relate.

There was this one moment where one of the characters who lied about her age (she said she was 68 instead of 72), explained, "When you get to how old I am, you don't say your age or your face might hear you," and the whole audience just cracked up! They couldn't stop. So I started laughing at that. There were lots more moments like that. I tried to watch the story from an old person's point of view because that made it funnier.

April and I tried to pretend to be sophisticated and mature to fit in more but our constant giggling didn't help to create the desired impression. In the interval, most people were drinking coffee and April commented how odd it was that in a lot of functions where there are old people, they always drink coffee. David said, "It's past their bed time. They need to stay awake". God, I hope no one heard him.

I reminded April that when we get old we are going to be cool and drink Coke.

It was a good experience though. Culturally and artistically stimulating. David enjoyed himself too which made me happy because he's never been to a proper play before.

It was nice to catch up with April too. Although there was this weird moment when we didn't have anything to say to each other. I was glad David started asking questions. He's very good at making conversation.

We got home pretty early. I wouldn't have mided staying out later but it was a bit weird because David thought April expected us to catch the train back with her. And we couldn't exactly discuss going out plans when she was right there.

It was a nice night though.

Happy Easter

Someone please make me do work.

Gosh, I'm sounding like a procrastinating uni student again.

Even though I got home at 1am last night, I woke up before 7am. Just not tired anymore. I keep telling myself that if I finish the work today, I'd have two days without any worries.

Maybe I should tell myself I'll be getting paid for spending time doing that work. I have to do a stupid coupon booklet of the company's products. How boring.

Last night was wonderful. I went over to David's house where his two step-sisters came with their families. His step-dad made the most delicious food. I've never been a seafood/fish person until I tasted his cooking. Now I'm craving prawns and baby octopuses and fish, mixed with rice. Mmm...

I made a cake for them but I was so disappointed it didn't turn out well. It looked pretty good so I think most people just noticed that. Besides, since they've never tasted it before, they might've thought it was supposed to be a little mushy. That's what I hope anyway.

I felt bad that I didn't bring any Easter presents. I only had some chocolate eggs for the kids. David was so thoughtful. He remembered that I said I'm not really into chocolate bunnies so he got me a toy one and some chocolate eggs "because I know you like chocolate". Can't say I'm really into toy bunnies either but it's the thoughtful gesture that means the most. I mean, he remembered such a small detail that I only mentioned in passing!

I'm glad only a couple of days ago, I got him a huge bag of jelly beans (since the other one I got him was stolen). That lessened the guilt.

David and I were the youngest couple there. The oldest step-sister is 37 with two young kids and the youngest one is close to 30. Her boyfriend/partner's name is David too. I felt a little left out. But so did David's Mum. She was pretty quiet the whole time. David and I played with the kids. It reminded me of when my cousins and I were children and my young auntie and uncle would stay with us, rather than the adults.

David was great with the kids. The little two year old was all over him. She kept poking him, pulling him, just about everything. It was so cute to watch. I think, for most girlfriends, it's nice to see their boyfriends get along with kids.

While I was talking to the older girl, David's Mum said that I should be a teacher. She said the same thing last Christmas. I never mentioned to her that I was planning on doing it. She used to be a teacher in South America but because of her English, she can't be one here.

The oldest step-sister invited us to her house on Sunday. It's going to be a little weird because everyone will be in their 30s. I guess, as long as I have David, it's going to be fun. It's weird that she sees us as an adult couple. Or maybe I'm just not used to it.

I'm starting to feel really grown-up being invited to adult parties as a couple.

On Thursday night, David and I went out with Christine, Evan, Mike and Claudia. That was great. Couples our age. (Well, except Evan but he doesn't count as a 30 year old.) Amelia was supposed to come too but she got called to work. It was a different experience to be part of such a couple group. Christine acted a bit funny because she kept either grabbing David on the arm or dragging him and just plain staring. She didn't do that to Mike. I wonder if she thought he was hot. I mean, I did but does that mean others find him attractive? She always comments how 'hot' some guys are, even though she has a boyfriend. I could imagine her gossiping to Amelia or Claudia about him. I don't mind or anything. Just find it a little funny.

First, we went for drinks (I only had orange juice because last time I had alcohol on an empty stomach didn't turn out too well). Then we had a yummy Thai dinner. Afterwards every couple went their own way.

I remember in high school, Christine was the only one with a boyfriend and we got annoyed how she brought Evan everywhere with us, especially that he was 8 years older and felt like an adult chaperone. Then Claudia got Mike who's very easy to get along with and our group had a little divide between the couples and the singles. Now there's an addition of David. The scales tipped towards the couple side. Only April is left. (Amelia is not interested in getting a boyfriend, she only wants to flirt and tease.)

I harbour hopes that this year April will meet the guy who she'd like and who'd be brave enough to make a move.

Imagining our whole group being couples is kinda fun. Mainly I can't wait for April's first experience in relationships. I want to know how it will be for her. Plus, I think it'll bring us closer again. Inevitably, we drifted apart a bit.

We used to speak every few days before but now I haven't had a proper conversation with her since my birthday. I miss her.

I'm seeing her tonight because we're going to see a musical. Can't wait. David's coming too.

I like having something fun to do every night, especially on the long weekend. My poor Dad is going to be alone (since my Mum and Andy are in POB now). David's Mum gave me heaps of left-over dessert to give to him. That was really sweet of her.

On that note, I should end this post and get my work done.

This Day Last Year

Today is my Mum's birthday.

It is also a year since the day that turned my life to a different path. The path I wanted to be on for way too long. Of course I didn't know any of that then.

That day, I was just happy to leave my job early to go to uni and receive my certificate (for apparent good work). It felt wonderful just to be in the uni environment again, after being stuck in some tiny room, in a warehouse, that was supposed to represent an 'office'.

I even remember feeling content as I walked through the uni gates, thinking that even though there was no way I'd meet a guy that night, I was still happy to be there. The weather was great too. Just the perfect autumn night. (And I'm not romanticising it, if you must know.)

My friends and I didn't want to wait till the end of the award ceremony, so after we got our certificates, a couple of us snuck out. However, Sally wasn't with us. So Sophia, Lauren and I tried to call her mobile but she wouldn't pick up. We were standing at the back of the hall, waiting for her to sneak out too but she just stayed in her seat.

Then we decided to just go if she wasn't brave enough to get up in the middle of the ceremony. We didn't want to wait for another two hours.

Sophia offered me a lift to the station but unlike a normal person who would be happy to have someone save them a bus trip, I refused. I was still obsessed with the chance that I might see BG again. Yes, a year after the incident, I still had tiny hopes of meeting 'the stranger of my dreams'. I knew the chance of me seeing him again was miniscule but going to that bus stop held a greater chance than not going at all.

Not surprisingly, the bus stop was empty. I checked the bus timetable and seeing that it wasn't due for another ten minutes, I moved closer to the nearest building because it was getting very cold. As soon as I moved there, a bus went by, without even stopping. I was annoyed because I was so cold and (unreasonably) disappointed that I wasn't going to see my Bus Guy that I just wanted to go home. I decided to stay near the building because the buses only came every 30 minutes.

Not that evening. Five minutes later, another bus went by! You can imagine how that frustrated me. I decided to bear the cold and move right next to the bus stop sign so there was no more chance of a bus missing me (or me missing the bus, whichever way you look at it).

A minute later, someone lined up behind me. Then I heard, "Did the bus come already?" or something along those lines. I almost wanted to laugh at the irony that about a year ago, BG asked the exact same thing. I told the guy he just missed two buses. I gave him a glance and thought, "This is no BG" and turned around. I couldn't care less about making conversation. He didn't look anything special.

Then this guy started asking me other things. When I told him I didn't study at uni anymore, that lead to more questions. As I looked at him, I thought, he's not the type I want something to happen with and even if he was, nothing would anyway. Why bother. I kept talking to him anyway because it was just something to do while waiting for the bus.

As we chatted, he made a bit of a joke which straight away warmed me up. Then I sort of started to see that he didn't look that bad. And he seemed innocent enough. In my head, I've accepted that this was just a one-time conversation so I didn't get my hopes up. I knew I wasn't going to see him again. I was already excited about telling April how I met another guy at the bus stop. It would've been a great story.

We continued talking when the bus came. When we got off at the train station, we both hesitated a bit. We took time checking our train times. Then there was nothing else to do but part. I said, "See you later" and then you know what happened...

Today, this guy is David, my boyfriend, the man I'm totally head over heels in love with.

The Excitement of Old and the New

Last night I had such a wonderful conversation with my brother. Just like the old times. It gave me hope that we can be friends again.

We really caught up with our lives. He's got tons of girls as usual. I told him I couldn't wait till the girl he wouldn't be embarrassed to bring home. He said there weren't any like that yet.

One girl he likes, he said she was "SO beautiful!!!" I was like, "You think she's hot, hey?" and he said, "No, beautiful." Apparently there's a big difference. He explained, "Britney Spears is 'hot'. Natalie Portman is 'beautiful". I guess it's the 'sexy' vs 'pretty'. I wonder if there's some woman that men think is hot and beautiful...

He also told me that a guy from soccer (the team that David and he organised together) said to him, "It's much better to have an older sister because at least they have cool boyfriends. Younger sisters just have stupid ones". Hehe, I'm the sister with the 'cool' boyfriend.

Andy also said something that really stuck with me. After I told him about the blurry plans of David and I becoming 'serious' at the end of next year, he said, "I love change. It makes me so excited!"

Sometimes I get scared when things start changing. It makes me fear that I'm drifting further and further away from my childhood. Andy made me see that if you try to cling to the past, you don't embrace all the wonderful new things. Change is not about leaving the past behind, it's about moving to new and better things. It's about living life to the fullest. The past is always within us.

All or Nothing

I can't believe it! I really can't!!!

The agent who got me the job at the magazine, called me to ask if I wanted to work there again for two months, 3 days a week.

How is it that for months I had no jobs, no interviews, no opportunities even though I tried so hard, and now I've had 4 offers within weeks!

Obviously I will have to decline their offer as I have no time for it. If they offered me a full-time position, that would be an entirely different story.

My permanent "part-time" position at the moment is stressing me out more than necessary. First of all, they have the worst environment. The office stinks, the computers and software are from the early 90s and there's not enough lighting. I mean, when you sit in front of the computer the whole day, good lighting is so important!

It's also very unorganised. The marketing manager, even though the sweetest person, has no eye for design, admits it but still wants everything done her way.

The toilet is almost inside the room (as there's no corridor between it and the office), so everyone can see exactly how long you've been there. I'm sure after a while it'd be easier to get used to hearing the constant flushing.

Working from home isn't too hard other than the programs that I have to use are totally incompatible with each other. For 90% of the time I have no idea how the colours will turn out when printed. This particular problem drove me nuts all weekend. And will certainly drive me nuts for as long as I have to use those two programs together.

These problems really make you appreciate a nice work environment, such as my contract work one. I can just do my work, without stopping every 10 minutes to solve some technical problem.

I get annoyed at the people at (my day-time) work who say how unorganised the management is. I don't know, they probably are but they are definitely better than all the other places I worked at.

Hypothetically Speaking...

Would you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend (husband/wife) went to a partner dancing class without you? How about if your partner went clubbing with his/her friends (without you) and danced with other people? Is there a difference between the two?

Looking forward to your thoughts.

No Guarantees

Why am I so tired? I feel like I can just fall asleep right now and not wake up until tomorrow. After my first job, I went to the second one where I tried working for an hour.

Man, I hate their place. It stinks (literally). The computer system is way too old. They have Macs with their stupid one click mouse which make me so frustrated. They don't have any high resolution product images which make it impossible to create large posters.

I'm dreading having to work there full-time. Although I guess it would be better than no job at all.

Did I mention I got a reply for my teaching application?

They said in order for me to enrol into Teaching, I have to do one subject in Languages/IT/Psychology. I was thinking of learning Spanish since that would be useful but most universities don't offer the beginner course in second semester. Might have to research more into it. Although, I don't have much time.

Do I even want to become a teacher? I wouldn't mind but I just don't want to put more money into education.

Where I'm working now, the woman who was previously in my position and is supposed to go back into it after my contract ends, said that she's looking for a different job so I might have a chance to stay there permanently.

I so don't want to get my hopes up but I absolutely love this job. Sure, I'm not designing magazines like in the last one but I do heaps of stuff here. Also, it's not too hard since they are very strict to sticking to their corporate identity. What I like is how all these people from different offices call me to design stuff for them and the way the big manager always asks me to do little things for her. I think I like working on lots of little projects, rather than one big one.

The people are really nice too. I had a pretty good conversation with the woman who had my position. She's got such a lovely personality - easy-going, friendly and young-spirited. It surprised me to learn that she went through a divorce.

When I mentioned my boyfriend, she asked if we were planning on getting married. I told her not yet. She said not to rush and that we have plenty of time for that. She said to enjoy other things first.

It's weird, everyone tells me not to commit too soon, except my Mum. I told her what this woman advised me and she said, "Lots of people think that way but I'm happy that we don't have a large age gap and I can still keep up with you. If I was 15 years older, that might be harder".

I don't know. I always thought that if you find someone you want to be with, there's no point in waiting. I guess I got that thinking process passed on from my Mum. Kids usually imitate parents, whether they want to or not. Isn't that true?

I see that my parents have a good relationship and that marrying young does not mean you will get divorced, and having kids early does not mean you can't have a successful career and travel.

April told me, "You just want what your parents have". David noticed that too. I guess it's pretty obvious. If you see a good result, you want to take the same steps to get there.

If I think logically, it's highly unlikely that I will find someone better than David. Yes, there are several things I wish he didn't have in his personality but who's perfect? Certainly not me.

Would I rather have someone more serious, less open, more principled and not as much fun? Maybe their sense of humour would match mine more or they would have a similar background to me. But will they have all the unique qualities that I love so much in David?

All I want is for a guy to love me so much he'd be willing to do anything. For someone like that, I would ignore every fault.

Dancing Again

I got a catalogue of local courses in the mail and I'm considering doing some dancing classes. They're going to be located a 5 minute drive for me. I desperately need exercise. Plus they are a lot cheaper than the ones I went to last year.

I hope I won't have to work too late on the day of the class. It's a combination of Latin and Ballroom. That means I'd probably have to dance with creepy guys or do the guys' part if there aren't enough. Wish David would come with me but I know he won't. Maybe I can convince Andy again but that's highly unlikely as he has tutoring jobs on that day.

Do you think I should do it?

Compromises

You wouldn't believe it but I had to turn down another job. I'm serious.

Alyson called to ask me to design a website for some company which was planning on paying me. I would've liked to do it but I barely have enough time for two jobs.

I think I'll have to get used to coming home and continuing working.

I went to meet with the marketing manager at the new company yesterday and she already gave me work due tomorrow. Usually it wouldn't take me long to come up with something good but yesterday I was so stuck. I was falling asleep by 8 o'clock.

David called just as I was about to close my eyes. We had a fight. A very stupid one that made me really upset.

He told me that when he starts working full-time, he'd like to take the 4 weeks annual leave in one go. I told him I'd much rather spread it out over the whole year. Then he was like, "This is interesting..." in the "I don't like that" tone. Then he said, "Now, I'm getting to really know you. Another thing we disagree on". And the way he said it was like it was the biggest problem! I mean freaking annual leave! Who cares?! I told him he could take his one month holiday while I divide mine throughout the year (if I even plan on using up the whole four weeks). Then he said, "What's the point of me taking four weeks, if you don't?"

I got a little sick of the argument so I said, "If it makes you happy, we can take turns. One year I'll take four weeks in one go and in another we spread it out". Then he said, "No! Why should I?! I want for us both to take one month every year". That obviously got me annoyed.

I said, "What's wrong with a compromise?" and he replied, "Maybe there are some things I don't want to compromise on". That would've made me laugh if I wasn't so annoyed with him making such a big deal out of nothing. I said, "Then we have a problem because compromise is very important". He said, "I'm starting to think there are too many things we have to comprimise on. We don't have much in common." Then, he tried to list things we did have in common and he came up with 'salsa' and 'chocolate mud cake'.

I got so mad!!! I mean, why the hell was he listing things, like he was trying to justify staying together? I stopped saying anything. He asked if I wanted to go to sleep. I said I did and hung up. Then I started crying because I let myself get to a point where all I wanted was him and I was willing to do anything just so we could be together. And once you get to that point, it's too difficult to let go.

I thought of calling him back and telling him I loved him but that would've been sinking too low and I was too angry and upset to call him back when I haven't done anything wrong.

It was terrible not having that content feeling of falling asleep knowing I was really important to someone. I got too used to it.

I managed to calm myself down and tried to think rationally. It usually makes me feel better thinking that soon this will be over and we'll be back to the happy state of being together. However, last night I thought I should make myself feel better by thinking that I can be totally fine on my own and don't need anyone to make me happy. That didn't work too well because I couldn't help but compare how much nicer it was to be happy with David than being happy alone.

As I was thinking this, David called.

I said, "What?" and he replied, "I want to compromise".

Another Job

I got this job.

I have to go there tomorrow to sign the contract. There's this bit in it where it says that I have to terminate all my other contracts before starting. That's weird since I told them I still want to work at my current place.

On the phone, she was really pushing me to tell her when my current job will be finishing. I told her in May, but I think it's going to be in June.

This is such a difficult situation. I hope they won't change their mind tomorrow if I tell them that I won't end my current contract now.

I guess I'll tell them that I'm confident that I can work at both places. I think I can, anyway.

In the contract, they actually decided to pay me more than I asked them. That was a nice surprise, since I didn't think they'd even afford my offer. (I made it a little higher than I first planned because I didn't really like the place.)

The thing I'm most excited about is getting a double salary for the next couple of months. If you can't enjoy the job, might as well concentrate on how you can enjoy the money. I'm going to pay off my uni debts.

I'm a little worried about how I can handle two jobs. I'm just counting on this new job not being as much work as they say it will.

David called from work and he sounded worried that I'm not going to have time for anything other than work. I told him I will always have time for him.

What I won't have time for is doing nothing. And reading. That's the first thing I always compensate on. Sad but true. And it's the only thing I get excited about when I do get free time.

Even though I'm not that excited about this new job, I'm very excited that it will give me more of a financial basis to plan my future on.

I get so excited just thinking about planning my life with David.

April always said that she always looked forward to planning her wedding. Unlike her, I'm more excited about picking furniture together and coming home to the same place. Going on holidays together and having friends over. Waking up next to each other. Call me a romantic but I like the simple things.

David: I love this about you. You don't need jewellery or expensive gifts to be happy. You are happy just being with me.

Young at Heart

We went to my grandparents house yesterday because it was my grandpa's birthday. They showed us a photo they got from our relatives in POB. Then we ended up looking through their photo album of when my grandparents were young. There were pictures of them as kids. It was really weird seeing that. I've seen them before but I've forgotten.

Both of my grandparents and their friends looked like movie stars from the 40s/50s. The black and white photos were amazing. There is a picture of my grandma (about my age) on the beach in a bikini, lying under a wave. There is also one of my grandparents where my grandpa has his arm around her and he has the slyest grin on his face. It's so hard to imagine them then. Then there was a picture of one of my grandma's best friends. She's looking over her shoulder with a joyful smile. The picture looked like an old film poster.

As I was looking through the album and commenting on how good looking everyone was, my grandpa said, "When you get to our age and look back on yourself, you are going to think the same way". Meanwhile, my Mum gave my grandma her jacket because hers was getting old. My grandma asked my grandpa, "How do I look?" and he answered, "Like a supermodel!"

After looking through their photos and then looking at them next to me, I saw the same youthfulness in their eyes. The same young couple who were busy socialising with their friends and going on holidays. The young parents who raised my Dad.

It made me think that years can wither your body but they can never age your spirit.

My Secret

I saw the above on PostSecret and it almost made me think David wrote it.

When we went on our first holiday together last year, he got a book of SuDoKu puzzles. When I was at his house, we did some of them together. I know every time I'd see it, I'd always think of him.

Not that it's a secret or anything. I just never thought to mention it.

Another thing I never 'mentioned' to him is Max. Remember him? Sometimes I feel like I should tell David because he played such a big role in my mind (not in my life) but I just don't want him to know. I don't know why, other than it's embarrassing. Sometimes I think it would just come up and when he'll ask me why I never told him, I'd casually say, "It was so unimportant I totally forgot about it". What a lie.

It just feels so stupid to have some guy I only comminucated with online and occasionally by phone for about 5 years. Well, I guess really it was only about 3 since a few years I only talked to him a couple of times. And only out of desperation.

I tell myself he's no big deal, but then why do I feel bad not telling my boyfriend, my best friend about it? Why is it so hard for me to just say it? He knows pretty much everything about me (including things I never even wrote here about) and he's still with me.

Of course he also doesn't know about this blog. I read somewhere that if you can't tell your partner that you have a blog, you have serious issues.

I guess I could tell him, but he'd want to read it then and I don't want him to because that would affect the way I write.

I love that this blog is something just for me (and strangers). It's my door to an alternate world, the one that runs parallel to my real one. And that's the way I like it. I put a lot of effort into making sure it stays that way. Of course there is risk and uncertainty about my anonymity. I could already be close to being discovered. But I guess I still live in this state of mind that no one will know. How else would I be able to write so candidly?

Is it wrong of me not to tell David about some things? Should partners know every detail of each other's lives?

With the Seasons

Yesterday I felt summer ending. Sure it had officially ended in February but the weather was still hot in March.

I'm sure we'll have some warm days in April, but mostly it's getting cool now.

David and I went to the beach last night and for the first time in months we had to bring jackets. He said, "It's almost like when we started going out". We're making a full circle with the seasons. It makes me feel a little pensive.

The cold temperature always made me want to have someone to be close to. It's how during cold months people crave hearty foods and warmth. It was so comforting to have David next to me.

We didn't bring up the conversation we had on Friday, even though I would've liked to. I didn't want to push it though. So we just talked about general stuff - the student that he tutors, his soccer games, families, friends, my work, the cold weather, the calming ocean water, cars etc. Just the every day topics.

We were one of the few people walking. The others probably decided to stay inside where it was warm. Even though he comes from a southern country, he loves the cold, just like I do.

I used to always prefer Australian winter but now I enjoy all seasons. The warmth of summer, the gloominess of autumn, the chill of winter and the regrowth of spring.

It's almost a year since we've met. Time flies. Wonder how my life will be this time next year... Here is how I imagine it:

1. David and I will be together, still completely in love.
2. Really don't know how I'll be job wise - either on yet another contract or maybe even studying Teaching and working part-time.
3. Hopefully, David and I will be 'planning'.
4. Fingers crossed, April will have a boyfriend.
5. My brother will be in a relationship.
6. I'll still be blogging.