Too Many Emotions

It's so ironic that only recently I was complaining about other people being ruled by their own illusions and here I am, just the same.

When I found out that I will not be able to see David until Wednesday, my "I'm fine alone" feeling evaporated. It was easy to be fine when I knew I'd see him tomorrow but now that I know I have to wait for four days, I'm driving myself crazy. When he hung up, I actually felt like he was upset at me, even though there was no reason for me think that. So here I am feeling bad for no good reason, only because in my head I decided that he was upset at me.

Now, I don't feel like going out with uni people, just want to hang out with David. But of course I'll go and probably think about him the whole time, wishing he was with me.

Felt like such a blabbering idiot when I messaged him to ask if he was ok. I was looking at the message for like 30 minutes wondering if I should send it or just get over it. I sent it. He called me straight away and asked if I was ok. He said, "Is it because we won't see each other tonight?" and I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. Why the hell did I do that? Why couldn't I say what I felt - I'm going to miss you tons. When he said he'll miss me tonight, why couldn't I say, "Me too!" I said, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have fun with Ryan". And then rather than talking more to him I said, "Ok, I'll let you go" so he said, "Ok, bye!" and hung up. What did I expect him to say? "No, let's talk a bit more. Please don't go"? Why am I upset that he didn't say it? I'm being way too sensitive.

I need to step back a bit and look at this objectively. Four days is not four years or even four months. It's good to have some time apart. (Oh my God, if only I could convince myself of that.) He's not upset at me. It's not his fault he has to work on Monday too and can't see me tomorrow. It's not my fault I'll be working next week and won't be able to see him.

I wish I could see him at least every second day. I would be totally happy with not seeing him for a day every once in a while. I need some alone time too. But not almost a week!

Funny how I used to be able to deal with years of not having anyone and now that I finally have David, I almost break down if I don't see him even for a couple of days.

(At least blogging calms me down and forces me to straighten out my thoughts. Very therapeutic.)