IF

IF...

April and I have been great friends since the first day we met, 5 years ago. Five years seems like nothing compared to 11 years I knew Nadine. 5 years is only a a quarter of my life but it feels like I've known April for an eternity.

It's very hard to find friends that you just click with in every way. So when you do, you know that person will be in your life for a very long time. I can't even imagine not being friends with April. Even though the last year we've been mainly relating to each other because of our non-existent boyfriends, we've been close friends way before that.

Last night we were talking about how weird it was that I finally went out on a date (and I'm only choosing to call it that because Andrew insisted on paying for dinner) and that only last week that thought seemed totally impossible. Also the fact that this all happened so fast was weird 'cause we didn't even get to talk much about it and analyse and hypothesise before it actually happened, like we do with all other anticipated events.

April is convinced I will go out with him but that's only because she's trying to prepare herself for the worst. She was saying how if I have a boyfriend, our friendship would change a lot. When I was younger and Nadine and I had those sorts of conversations, I was naive to think that one person getting a boyfriend could not possibly ruin a friendship. But now I know better.

I hate how guys can influence our lives so much and ruin friendships. It seems so ridiculous. I wish I was stronger and not let myself be influenced by such things. (Andrew is already diminishing my excitement about going to America because the anticipation of what might happen with him is a lot more exciting now.)

But now that I know how friends start drifting apart after one starts going out so I can try to prevent it. Like I told April that IF I get a boyfriend before her, she should still tell me trivial things that happen to her with guys at uni/work and not feel silly about it. However I'd have to tame my happiness which April said would be unfair to me because I should be able to talk about my happiness after what we went through. But IF I get a boyfriend, I can totally not show off about it because having one is all that's important.

We ended up deciding that IF I get one, we should both write what we want in our private blog so that later when she gets a boyfriend too, she can read it (if she can resist not reading it now) and she should write what she usually would. So this way we can still talk to each other about everything without actually doing so in real time which requires the other's reaction. That should prevent us from drifting away.

This is all of course very hypothetical because there's a high chance I won't get one. But we thought we'd talk about it before it actually happened since after that, she'd find it harder to relate to me. Like if now (maybe last week) I said she did something pathetic, she wouldn't get offended because I was in the same situation but if I had a boyfriend and said it, she would be understandably quite insulted.

Anyway, after all this hypothesining, I probably won't even get a second date.

I'm now over my hysteria phase and moving into the over-analysing phase. The phase where I reason everything out to believe that the 'date' went horribly and that there's no way he liked me.

This craziness is what happens when a girl never had a boyfriend for so long. So you'll have to bear with me going insane and having weird (more so than usual - hard I know) thoughts for some time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Playing it over and over in my mind, hoping I might notice something I haven't before that would tell me how he felt. No such luck. He was an almost closed book. His eyes were always laughing and I couldn't tell what he was smiling about. Was he laughing at me? Was I saying weird things? Did I look like a complete fool with my grin? Were his eyes naturally like that? I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Today in the morning my brother and I were having breakfast together. I was waiting for him to ask me about Sunday since I haven't talked to him yesterday. We ate in silence for a while. Then -

Andy (carefully): how was Sunday?
me: I thought you'd never ask! It was excellent!

Then I told him the details and at the end he said, "The reason I didn't know if to ask you or not was because I didn't want you to start complaing on how bad the guy was". I told him I knew that it was very unusual for me not find any faults in the guy when I'm always very judgemental. Andy said he wanted to meet the guy that I couldn't find any faults in from the first impression (since that's when I rule out most guys). He, then, asked, "Is he marriage material?" I almost choked on my cereal. That was one question I wasn't expecting just yet! I told him after one date he didn't show any characteristics that would not make him marriage material.

For now, what I want most of all is for him to like me. Because if he does, that would make everything a lot easier.