Dancing Cures All

Dancing Cures All

Just came back from the best birthday party ever. The last few birthday parties that I've been to have mainly revolved around eating and talking only to people who were sitting next to me. This, however, made it very easy to mingle.

Ellen (the birthday girl) got a guy to teach us ballroom dancing (something that I've been dying to try for ages). I expected to be dancing with April but there were actually more guys than girls who wanted to participate. Very surprising.

I got to dance with some funny guy who's name I can't remember. I got the hang of the dancing pretty quickly and showed him how to do it so by the end we were making our own moves and giving demonstrations to other people. We had such a fun time that after a while we didn't even realise that most people have already left the dance floor.

After that dance, I talked with April. She wasn't as lucky with her partner who apparently made her stick to the steps that were taught and counted the time all through the song. I was also telling April how I wanted to dance with a guy (who reminded me of Andrew) by the end of the night.

The second dance that we were taught, the guy who I wanted to dance with already had a partner but the same guy that I danced with earlier came to dance with me again so I was happy about that. April's first dance partner was nowhere to be seen (fortunately for April). We totally ruled the dance floor again and I had the best time, while glancing at the guy I wanted to dance with.

After this dance, April and I danced together for a while because she couldn't find a guy to dance with. I kept looking over at the guy that I wanted to dance with but he wasn't paying any attention to me.

The third ballroom dance that we were taught, I saw my usual partner but I went straight for the guy I've been wanting to dance with the whole time and asked him myself. He didn't reject me so that totally boosted my confidence (which was already pretty high from having the original guy ask me to dance a second time). He turned out to be a real pilot. I didn't know they came that young. He was pretty nice so we danced for a long time.

After that, I went to talk to April who told me of her embarrassing moment that happened right after I asked the guy to dance. Being motivated by my confidence, she smiled at some other guy and he smiled back and started walking towards her. He then walked past her and asked the girl behind her to dance. So it turned out that he wasn't actually smiling at April but at the other girl. That scenario is so cliche, I can't believe it happened.

After all the dancing, I felt so high that I didn't even care about Andrew not calling as much as I did. Dancing is the best drug for anything.

The Phone Call

The Phone Call

You know it's not going to happen but you wait anxiously for it anyway.

That's what I'm doing now. I'm expecting something that I know will not happen. Why do I have to torture myself like this?

Pretty Much Over

Pretty Much Over

Ok, I've convinced myself that nothing will come out of Andrew and I.

My Mum saw the girl (that knows him) and she said that he didn't say anything about me or he didn't talk to her or something. (But she did know he was meeting me on Sunday.) I find that hard to believe. He probably said something about not liking me and the girl didn't want to say to hurt my feelings.

Now, must make my head come down from the clouds, back to a place called Earth. Things will be back to normal in no time. Sure I'll be upset for a while but I'll deal with it the way I've been dealing with being single for all of my life. It's going to be painful but I have no other choice.

Will concentrate on my friends again and my trip to America.

Top Blog

Top Blog

Oh my God! My blog is ranked 7th on Top Blogs. And not just in the journal category (in which it's ranked first) but the whole site! Most of the ones in front of my blog are adult blogs. I don't know why I'm so happy about this but I am.

IF

IF...

April and I have been great friends since the first day we met, 5 years ago. Five years seems like nothing compared to 11 years I knew Nadine. 5 years is only a a quarter of my life but it feels like I've known April for an eternity.

It's very hard to find friends that you just click with in every way. So when you do, you know that person will be in your life for a very long time. I can't even imagine not being friends with April. Even though the last year we've been mainly relating to each other because of our non-existent boyfriends, we've been close friends way before that.

Last night we were talking about how weird it was that I finally went out on a date (and I'm only choosing to call it that because Andrew insisted on paying for dinner) and that only last week that thought seemed totally impossible. Also the fact that this all happened so fast was weird 'cause we didn't even get to talk much about it and analyse and hypothesise before it actually happened, like we do with all other anticipated events.

April is convinced I will go out with him but that's only because she's trying to prepare herself for the worst. She was saying how if I have a boyfriend, our friendship would change a lot. When I was younger and Nadine and I had those sorts of conversations, I was naive to think that one person getting a boyfriend could not possibly ruin a friendship. But now I know better.

I hate how guys can influence our lives so much and ruin friendships. It seems so ridiculous. I wish I was stronger and not let myself be influenced by such things. (Andrew is already diminishing my excitement about going to America because the anticipation of what might happen with him is a lot more exciting now.)

But now that I know how friends start drifting apart after one starts going out so I can try to prevent it. Like I told April that IF I get a boyfriend before her, she should still tell me trivial things that happen to her with guys at uni/work and not feel silly about it. However I'd have to tame my happiness which April said would be unfair to me because I should be able to talk about my happiness after what we went through. But IF I get a boyfriend, I can totally not show off about it because having one is all that's important.

We ended up deciding that IF I get one, we should both write what we want in our private blog so that later when she gets a boyfriend too, she can read it (if she can resist not reading it now) and she should write what she usually would. So this way we can still talk to each other about everything without actually doing so in real time which requires the other's reaction. That should prevent us from drifting away.

This is all of course very hypothetical because there's a high chance I won't get one. But we thought we'd talk about it before it actually happened since after that, she'd find it harder to relate to me. Like if now (maybe last week) I said she did something pathetic, she wouldn't get offended because I was in the same situation but if I had a boyfriend and said it, she would be understandably quite insulted.

Anyway, after all this hypothesining, I probably won't even get a second date.

I'm now over my hysteria phase and moving into the over-analysing phase. The phase where I reason everything out to believe that the 'date' went horribly and that there's no way he liked me.

This craziness is what happens when a girl never had a boyfriend for so long. So you'll have to bear with me going insane and having weird (more so than usual - hard I know) thoughts for some time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Playing it over and over in my mind, hoping I might notice something I haven't before that would tell me how he felt. No such luck. He was an almost closed book. His eyes were always laughing and I couldn't tell what he was smiling about. Was he laughing at me? Was I saying weird things? Did I look like a complete fool with my grin? Were his eyes naturally like that? I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Today in the morning my brother and I were having breakfast together. I was waiting for him to ask me about Sunday since I haven't talked to him yesterday. We ate in silence for a while. Then -

Andy (carefully): how was Sunday?
me: I thought you'd never ask! It was excellent!

Then I told him the details and at the end he said, "The reason I didn't know if to ask you or not was because I didn't want you to start complaing on how bad the guy was". I told him I knew that it was very unusual for me not find any faults in the guy when I'm always very judgemental. Andy said he wanted to meet the guy that I couldn't find any faults in from the first impression (since that's when I rule out most guys). He, then, asked, "Is he marriage material?" I almost choked on my cereal. That was one question I wasn't expecting just yet! I told him after one date he didn't show any characteristics that would not make him marriage material.

For now, what I want most of all is for him to like me. Because if he does, that would make everything a lot easier.

Too Distracted

Too Distracted

I'm the worst procrastinator and all the bursts of energy that are running through my body aren't helping. I feel too restless and distracted. I've found every excuse not to do my assignments. I'm so going to regret this a few days before they're due.

I called up April in the morning to share the details of last night. Had a flashback to when Nadine first started going out and telling me about it. Convinced April that I'm not on the 'other side' yet and might not even be so she's not alone. I could just feel April's hurt through the phone line. She did a great job of being happy for me though which is why I love that girl.

I'm trying not to get carried away with the whole Andrew thing because nothing might happen. April said that if an hour with BG made me happy for months, the 'blind date' with Andrew will surely make my happiness last for a year. At least. Since we've been single for so long, every little thing makes us happy for ages so a great big thing will stretch my happiness even longer.

I also got Max's email in the morning. He's starting to get clingy. Not that I would've found it clingy if I hadn't met Andrew. Max can't even be compared to Andrew. I just knew I'd stop worrying about him as soon as I met a better guy. Andrew is ambitious, puts effort into things, he works hard for what he wants and I find those qualities very attractive. Max doesn't do any of that. Andrew is more intelligent than me and I love that.

Must stop thinking about Andrew so much because I'll just start obsessing and that's never a good thing. But then again, when has that ever stopped me?

It's just still a bit hard to believe that yesterday I got what I wanted for years. Lost all hope that I ever would. Of course now that I had that, I want more. I have a feeling he won't call. I guess I'll make myself call him next week.

Of course I'll be upset if he's not interested but I'll still be happy that I had something, rather than nothing.

Reporting Last Night

Reporting Last Night

I still can't stop smiling.

Last night exceeded all my expectations (although they weren't very high but still). Even though I was a bit early, he was already there. As soon as I realised it was him, my smiling hasn't stopped since. He looked so typically POBian - very tall, very blond hair, very blue eyes. I was so relieved. Although I expected the worst so anyone who didn't look like a monster would've made me relieved. He also looked a bit boyish which I like in a guy.

I think he might've been expecting a monster too because when we first started talking, it looked like he was trying to hold back smiling. That totally put me at ease because I was a bit too nervous just before meeting him.

We went to a small cosy restaurant and shared some nice food. The conversation flowed quite easily condsidering we've only met each other. I still had the goofiest smile on my face because all I could think about was that I was having dinner with a cute and very nice guy who was 'sorta' funny. I've wanted something like that for so long that it felt a bit surreal. I was hoping I wouldn't wake up as I usually do when things like that happen in my dreams.

I think I might've stared too much because at one point he asked me why I was looking at him 'like that' and was it because I didn't understand what he was saying. That was a bit embarrassing.

During dinner he kept getting a bit distracted by his phone. He could've been talking to his girlfriend (that I don't think he has) for all I cared because you couldn't even compare him to all the guys I know. He was smart and mature while still relaxed and easy-going (an impossible combination I used to think).

Of course I said numerous stupid things but it wouldn't have been me if I didn't.

After dinner, we went to see a movie. It was really bad but the time went by quickly because I entertained myself by thinking about the whole evening. It was good that the movie was a comedy (even though it wasn't funny at all) because I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

After that he walked me to the station and we went home. He said, "We'll call each other". If he won't, I sure will. But I hope so much that he does. Really really really hope that he liked me as much as I liked him. But even if he didn't, I still had a great time.

For once, when I was in the train by myself on my way home, I didn't get sad that I didn't have a boyfriend. I had to bite my lip to stop smiling.

Although I can't say that we totally clicked, he was such a smart and nice guy that it was impossible not to like him.

When I got home, my Mum was nervously waiting to hear how it went. My face said it all. All I could do was thank her.

Even though I usually fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, yesterday I kept tossing and turning because I still couldn't believe that guys like that actually existed (and not just in my head).

Woke up today at 6am feeling totally refreshed and still with a smile on my face.

In His Sister's Footsteps

In His Sister's Footsteps

My brother has just demonstrated his skills of lying. They are very similar to mine so I've taught him well. Although there was a bit of a downhill at the end which just showed that he didn't plan how to carry through.

me (to Dad, seeing Andy putting his shoes on): where's he going?
Dad: to pick up something... or someone?
[I'm trying not to laugh.]
Mum (suspiciously): why are you laughing?
me: nothing
Mum: do you know where he's going?
me: no
Mum: what's so funny then?
me: just the way Dad said it. Pick something up!
[Mum looks at me strangely.]
Dad (to Andy): what are you picking up?
Andy: uhm... some sheets... yeah... for the Maths exam... 'cause I wasn't at school when they gave them... I was at English... bye
[Andy runs out the door.]

Translation
Andy: I'm going to see my girlfriend but I can't tell you because you won't let me since I have exams.

They probably would do that but it would be stupid because he'd just be distracted all the time anyway.

Can't Expect The Unexpected

Can't Expect The Unexpected

At around 6:30pm, my brother was chatting to his girlfriend online and I was sitting in the room, annoying him (by requesting different songs) because I was bored. He kept annoying me back. A very common scene at our house. Then my mobile (which was closer to my brother) rings. I ask him who it is. He says it doesn't say.

I pick it up and hear a muffled male voice, "Hi, this is Andrew". I think my heart skipped a beat. Or two. He wasn't supposed to call yet. I was supposed to give my Mum my email so she could give it to the person who knows him along with my number. But apparently my Mum decided to just give him my mobile.

Anyway, we talked about this and that. The short awkward silences were filled quite quickly. The long awkward silence was filled by him asking to meet me.

After a long discussion about where and when, we've decided on Sunday night. I'd prefer it during the day but he can't. But I can't be choosy in my circumstances.

It's a bit hard to judge him right now because on one hand he sounded a bit odd but on the other, quite nice.

Not sure how I'm going to recognise him because he wouldn't say anything specific. I hope I like him. And I hope he likes me.

We'll see what happens. Expect the gossip by Monday. Wish me luck!

With Mum's Help

With Mum's Help

Last night my Mum came home and said, "I need to have a talk with you". I started getting worried. Did I do something really terrible? Did she want me to tell about what's going on with my brother? Was someone sick?

So nervously I waited for her to tell me what she was going to.

As soon as she smiled and said, "There's this guy..." I knew exactly what was coming ahead. I did my usual reaction of eye-rolling which allowed her to continue. She told me how she met some POBian girl in her post-grad class at uni who has a 'friend' who wants to meet me. A 23 year old 180cm non-smoking accountant friend.

Right now I'm up for anything so I told her that I'd meet him. I have nothing to lose. His name is Andrew, like my brother. The last guy my Mum tried to introduce me to had my Dad's name. I really don't know how she finds these guys who have names of my family members.

The only thing she told the girl about me was that I'm not tall. I really don't see how that's important but it might've been her way of finding out whether the guy was short. With all my shoes that all have platforms or thick soles, he's not going to notice my height anyway.

Apparently he moved to Australia when he was 16 and so he prefers to speak in POBian. I don't mind that much but my articulation skills are more limited in POBian. He has no family here.

I'm not expecting much to come out of this but hopefully it'll go further than with Ben (i.e. I'll actually get to talk to him or meet him).

It's weird to think that only a few weeks ago I didn't have any hope of meeting any guys any time soon but then there was Luke (the podiatrist) and Max seems eager to talk to me and now Andrew.

Even if nothing happens with any of them, at least I have something to look forward to (guy-wise) for a little while.

Downfall

Downfall

"I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be uneased
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
Come on and
Lay it down

I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall"

- Matchbox 20

Lately I've decided not to bother with him anymore but then he goes and emails me.

Max is my downfall.

Countdown To Adventure

Countdown To Adventure

I just realised what date it was today - one month till America! Yipee!! (I don't think I've actually said or written that word before, does it have a double p?)

Can't believe it's so close! I just know it will be a great adventure! I haven't been overseas since I was 15 when I went on an exchange program. But this is going to be so different! Lauren and I are going to have a blast (another word I don't say).

It's weird that when I write I use words I never say in real life. Anonymous writing gives such freedom of words.

Anyway, America. I've been dreaming of going there since I was 13 and it's going to be a reality so soon! My heart is buzzing with excitement. A whole month of doing nothing but exploring places I've only seen on TV and movies. Some people say that it's nothing exciting but not to me. Any new place is exciting because it holds the promise of adventure and constant change. And I need some change in my life. The monotony makes me live in my head too much. I need to move out of my mind and into the real world which is always more exciting than anything my imagination can conjure up. Because it's actually real.

For now, I'll take a deep breath and enjoy the anticipation of looking forward.

Free Time Leads To Laziness

Free Time Leads To Laziness

I've been becoming so lazy lately. Instead of taking advantage of my free day today and doing assignments, I only spent a little over an hour doing that.

I should stop borrowing books from the library when I have uni work to do 'cause I get too distracted.

And just having more free (from going to uni/work) time than I usually had in the past is making me too blase about everything. I went for a job interview last month that I didn't write about and they didn't take me because they knew I'd leave them after I finish uni. So I have very bad timing right now, 'cause I can't work full-time but I can't get a more time-consuming casual job because as soon as they ask when I'm going to finish uni, they change their tune.

My uni friends are also experiencing the same problem.

Lots of people are postponing their job searches by studying more but I'm over studying. Another degree won't help me get a job. I need practical experience now.

April, Me and Fungus

April, Me and Fungus

I told April about what happened (more like not happened) yesterday with the cute podiatrist and she had some suggestions on how I should go about it.

April: u could research something about feet (or the problem ur grandma has) and start asking intelligent questions
me: fungus? eww!!!
April: I see you are not very devoted there!
me: when he was telling me what she had, in my head i was like 'please stop!'
April: well that's no way to get a man :P
if u marry him, u'll have to hear it a lot
me: u r thinking a bit too far ahead
April: hey, considering how few chances we get, this is like a golden opportunity
me: I know I know! I'm just not sure the best way to go about it
April: i just told u what to do!
research fungus!
me: is there another way?
April: no! u'll sound intelligent this way
but don't look disgusted
and he'll think u really care about ur grandma
me: i should've asked him when he moved to australia so i could find out his age but didn't think of it then
April: now, time for some research :P
enjoy!
me: omg, i can't believe i'm going to do this
April: don't think like that
me: no, I can't. It's too gross
April: how can u say it's gross? it's a serious problem!
me: fungus or my dating life?
April: well, it's your choice
me: ok, I'll look it up
April: lol!!!
me: shut up
April: I'm proud of your new low
me: I can't look at the sites. Just the names of the sites are making me sick
April: stop it, be strong
think of the wedding!
me: I can't!!!! I really can't!
April: if you had it, I'm sure you'd feel differently
me: just seriously type fungus into a search engine and you'll see that just the names of the results will make you sick
April: ok, wait...
me (referring to the results): fungus of the month? lol
April: u should ask him if he belongs to any 'fungus of the month' clubs
me: lol
April: cousin fungus??? lol
me: lol
the fungus among us
April: I can't breathe
Fun Facts About Fungi
me: lol
April: Humongous Fungus
me: fungi perfecti
April: my parents are going to think i've lost my mind i'm laughing too much
me: i'm going to see some fun facts
"We find fungi so fascinating that we wanted to share some fun facts about fungi "
April: Humongous Fungus A New Kind Of Individual
April: we shouldn't make fun of it
me: no, we shouldn't
lol
the fun facts aren't so fun
me: click on toenail fungus at the top to be grossed out
April: i don't want to be grossed out, i can barely type i'm laughing so much
i'm scared to click on that link
me: please do
April: it doesn't sound very pleasing does it?
me: my toenails hurt from reading it
April: FUNGUS 2000 - The Official Band Site
http://www.fortunecity.com/tinpan/ash/222/
i'm intrigued by this band, fungus 2000
me: lol
maybe fungus brought them together?
April: Anthony came up with the name, "Fungus", because, at the time, "my thumb nail had been over-come with fungus"
me: they're australian
April: i know
me: and our age
April: do u want to go hear them play :P
me: lol
ok!
April: omg, we're so sad
me: although now they're probably older cos they didn't have a gig since 99
April: if they were 21 in 99...
me: their name obviously wasn't catchy enough for long term success
April: they'd be six years older which is okay
what the hell am i saying?
they're probably washed up singers living with their parents?
me: so 6 years older is ok now?
April: yup, anything is ok now
me: i'm up to 7
April: i'm on unlimited
me: so u'd go out with a 50 year old?
April: lol! no!!!!
okay i'll say 8, maybe 9
me: wow, you've changed!
April: i just don't have standards anymore
me: well, if they're older, at least they'll have lots of interesting stories to tell u
April: yeah well u can tell how far we've come, considering we're checking out a band called fungus
me: "when i was you age..."
April: oh that's a horrible thought
it's like they're grandpas
me: lol
April: I just want a guy to ask me out
any guy
even if I said no
me: even a 50 year old?
April: why would a 50 yr old ask me out?
me: cos he's a creep?
April: and why are u so obsessed with that age?
me: just giving you a perspective
April: i don't care for ur creepy 50 yr old perspective
me: well, you said any guy
April: I'd say no to him
although that's so gross
me: I just want any guy attention
April: even mr. 50 yr old Creep?
me: lol
good point
April: just giving u a perspective :P

April and I amuse each other so much.

Cute Guy in the Unlikeliest Place

Cute Guy in the Unlikeliest Place

I had to go to a podiatrist with my grandma today in the morning. I was hoping it would finish quickly until I actually saw the doctor. He looked only a bit older than me and was definitely very cute. We got talking about how he’s from a country that’s very close to POB and that POBian sounds very familiar to him. I wondered how far I could go with moving the conversation away from my grandma and her feet without sounding like I was interested in him. Not very far.

He seemed just happy that someone almost his age came in because there’s always only him and a middle-aged receptionist there all the time. Poor guy.

When he finished with my grandma and I was making another appointment (during the time when I’m going to be in America, unfortunately), he said to call him if we had any questions. I wish I did but there’s nothing that I could possibly ask him (except, “do you have a girlfriend?” and ‘do you want to go out?”)

Even though it’s nice to meet cute guys (since it happens so rarely), with it also comes the realisation that nothing can ever happen anyway.

I also wondered why a young guy would want to work with sick feet all day; did he have a feet fetish? Anyone who has fetishes freaks me out. And maybe he was gay anyway – he did look a little ‘stylish’ (best word I can think of). Even my grandma thought he was cute and also wondered why he’d want to work with feet. Why anyone would want to.

I wish I could go with my grandma to her next appointment so I can talk to him more. Maybe I should call up the clinic and ask to change the date. Maybe he can write a letter to me, to my grandparents’ address (since that’s the only one he knows). Ok, I think that’s pushing it too far.

Cheering Up

Cheering Up

Wow, my assigment didn't take as long as I thought. So I came online (since we got cable now and it's too easy to just connect whenever). I got an email from April. Little things like that always cheer me up so much.

Other things that cheer me up:

• messages from my friends, just to tell me something not important (like April messaging me to tell me that "Dancing With The Stars" ruined the Maroon 5 song "She Will Be Loved" or Amelia writing me a message in French or Max wanting to know how I am).
• dancing
• upbeat songs
• a positive book
• kids (like yesterday when I came home to find my little cousins there going insane)
• pets (like Claudia's dog)
• friendly strangers (this is not just a reference to BG)
• a phone call from Nadine
• positive feedback (whether it be a good mark or comments from readers which are always appreciated)
• waking up refreshed in the morning
• seeing someone do something nice for someone else (like people helping mothers hold their prams when they get off the train)
• doing something good without anyone knowing
• getting a job
• seeing my students understand things that they have been having problems with
• being the bearer of good news
• the thought of going to America

That's all I can think of now.

Feelings Suck

Feelings Suck

I don't want to dwell on this but I realised something that hadn't occurred to me earlier. I'm only 99.9% sure about this but I think that the blogger who wrote bad stuff about me is one of the commenters who pretended to understand what I was writing about (even though I didn't think she did). How odd...

I went to a dance class today and it was absolutely great. I had the best time. Exactly what dancing should be like. I think if I've started doing dancing seriously when I was kid, I might've wanted to do it as a career 'cause I love it so much.

Now, I should be doing my assignments but I'm not in the mood (when am I ever?) I feel like something's not right but I can't put a finger on it.

When Andrew and I were catching up yesterday, he apologised for being moody and he said that he knew he was being like that but couldn't help it. And I said that it was just weird 'cause it was so not like his usual easy-going and laid-back self. So he said that he got tired of always being easy-going and putting up with everything and everyone (which he always did but I thought it was just his nature but it turned out that he actually put a lot of effort into being like that, never realised he had such strong nerves). Anyway, I'm just happy to have my brother back. I had a thought that the fact he has a girlfriend now, we might drift apart, like Nadine and I did after she started going out, but hopefully we won't 'cause when it's family it's different, right? Well, it better be!

Maybe I feel weird now 'cause it's like everyone' moving on in their lives but I'm left behind. I feel stuck.

Also, my comments are a bit stuffed. The comments counter doesn't get updated sometimes.

I also realised that I write "I feel..." ALL the time! I'm going to try and stop doing that 'cause I don't think anyone likes reading emotional and sentimental stuff all the time. I know I don't.

Must remember that although I see this as my diary, it really isn't because other people read it.

My Effect On People

My Effect On People

Hmm, I don't know how to react to something that I just read in another blog.

I know that by being honest and writing what's on my mind in here (even if it's just ramble and random silly thoughts), I'm open to people judging me. But I really never expected for another blogger to devote a whole entry on what an immature, racist, anti-religion, stupid, intolerant, uninformed etc. person I am. And yet, that person has been reading my blog from the beginning. I wonder why that person comes back... Do they enjoy reading immature stupid stuff? (Reminds me of "Felicity" when Noel said, referring to his and Felicity's cartoon series, "If people hate our cartoon but watch it anyway, that means they really love it".)

In that blogger's entry, she has also assumed lots of things that I've never said.

Sometimes we judge other people too much and mistake traits such as being able to be silly and think crazy things as immaturity. Acting childish is not a sign of immaturity when you know that you're acting that way. I think that if I didn't behave silly with my friends, I would have a nervous breakdown. It's nice to escape from the seriousness of the world when you're with your friends. It's relaxing.

Also, when I say I feel superior, it doesn't mean that I am. I just feel like that because of dumb things that lots of people do (like smoke, get drunk etc.) And I don't see how being anti-religion is a bad thing. I don't tell people to stop being religious. I just don't agree with them. And it's good to be able to let off steam about certain things.

At first, it hurt to read it but after the initial shock, I realised that everyone is entitled to their opinion and she's free to write about me, just as I'm free to write about what I want.

Looking at the big picture, the fact that some person (who I don't even know) thinks such things about me isn't important.

The Other Side

The Other Side

My brother and I made up! He just couldn’t hold in any longer that he got a girlfriend. His first one.

He said that he wanted to not make up until the end of his exams because he knew that he’d want to talk to me about it all the time and not study. But too late now. (He also said that he was planning on making up before I was going to America because he didn’t want me to leave on such bad terms.)

I sort of knew he got one because in the last few weeks he got very secretive and always had a weird smile on his face.

His girlfriend is one of the girls I met that I said were too teeny-bopperish. He said that she was a lot like me. I don’t know if to take that as a compliment or an offence.

I’m happy for Andrew but I got even sadder for myself. Like April said, everyone moves to the ‘other side’ sooner or later, except us.

We went to the dancing class but didn’t stay ‘cause there were only old people there (I think I might be psychic). We hung around the city for a while trying to find a guy to chat up to make ourselves feel better. But it didn’t really work (if you don’t count [and I don’t] my sad attempt at asking a guy at the cinema when some movie is coming out).

On the train on the way home, I felt so depressed and frustrated at my inability to get a boyfriend when everyone around me has one.

Probing Naturopathy and Partners

Probing Naturopathy and Partners

I went to a naturopath today, being 'rejected' by the doctors. The woman (who looked about 30 and therefore made me a bit worried that she wouldn't know what she's doing since she wouldn't have had enough experience) asked me so many different questions, I was stuck for words. What kind of temper did I have? Did I have good grades? What was my energy level? Was I sensitive? To what? What was my stress level? What kind of personality did I have? Which emotions did I experience the strongest? etc. etc.

I got prescribed lots of homeopathic remedies which cost a lot of money and will hopefully work. If they don't, I'm stuffed - being itchy and red all the time isn't fun.

After I got home, my brother informed me that I had to take my grandpa to the hospital. While he was getting tests done, a girl who worked there started chatting to me and the first thing she mentioned was her boyfriend. Argh, I'm sick of people's boyfriends. Every time someone mentions theirs, it just highlights the fact that I don't have one. (Maybe I should call up Max so I can hang out with him and pretend that he's my boyfriend. Very pathetic, I know.) Then we had to wait for the results so my grandpa and I went for a walk. It's nice to share some quality time with my grandpa because I won't be able to have that forever.

Even though my grandparents (on my Dad's side) aren't young, they have very modern minds and it's easy to talk to them. I'm lucky to have them.

April and I are going to a ballroom dancing class tonight. I already decided what it's going to be like - lots of old couples and I'll have to do the guy's part or feel guilty if April does the guy's part. I wonder if Max likes dancing... maybe he could do the guy's part so I can enjoy the class.

Ok, I'm messaging him next Monday so we can talk on the phone.

Or if we get to rotate partners, the guys will probably all be sleazy middle-aged ones. Ew, I'd rather dance with April.

Dress Shopping

Dress Shopping

Sally and I cut class and went shopping. (Well, the class wasn't really important but I want to sound rebellious, at least once in my life.)

Anyway, I got my dress!!! At first I couldn't find anything but the last place we went to, I found 4 dresses that all looked great. One emerald one looked sooooo good but I didn't get it 'cause I would be too self-conscious to wear it. Times like these I wish I had a boyfriend so I could show how good I looked in the dress and never wear it in public.

Another one was a cute black one but I was against wearing black. I got the one that I was most comfortable in and even though the style wasn't something I really liked, it looked better on me than on the hanger. It also needs alterations 'cause the top part is too big. It wasn't cheap either but it was on sale and I got it 'cause I didn't think I'd find anything better.

When I got home and tried it on again, I liked it a lot more. (It made me look pretty but not stand out.) My Mum says that new clothes always look better at home because there aren't any other new clothes to compare them to.

I really wanted Mum's opinion on what she thought because I can be so indecisive about buying clothes. Sally said that she always needs her Mum's opinions on clothes too. So I'm not the only one who needs her Mum for such things.

Anyway, now I'm happy that I don't have to worry about this anymore.

Isolated By Intelligence

Isolated By Intelligence

I just realised that I have very different opinions to most Australians.

What's with everyone being 'outraged' that Ricki Lee got kicked out of Australian Idol? Who freaking cares. If you didn't vote, then get over it. It's not like anyone will remember her in the future. She may be better than some singers but in the big picture, she's not memorable at all.

Just look at Guy. Did anyone even buy his CD? (Except maybe a few very devoted fans, like some young teenage girls?)

I won't write about my other 'different' opinions 'cause I really can't be bothered reading annoying comments telling me how wrong I am. I just get frustrated at how narrow-minded and media driven most people are.

Times like these I feel like a complete alien here and totally superior and smarter than everyone else. Not a good feeling.

Ballroom

Ballroom

I really need new shoes. My old slides gave me blisters on both of my soles of my feet. I can't walk.

After watching "Dancing With the Stars", April wants to go to dancing lessons. I couldn't be happier of course. Unfortunately almost all ballroom dancing classes are courses that go for about 8 weeks and I have to leave for America in about 5 weeks.

We're going to go to a casual class on the weeked. That is, if April doesn't change her mind and I'm not counting that out.

I'll be going to a dancing class on the weekend anyway, with or without her. But it'd be nice if she came along.

Regarding my allergy/whatever it is, I made an appointment with a homeopath. When I went there and asked the woman if the clinic had helped patients with my problem and she said, "Oh yes, we get all the rejects from the doctors". Well, that's nice to know!

I also went to a small local shop that my grandma told me sold formal dresses and I actually found 2 dresses that were ok. Didn't buy them though 'cause I wanted to check out a few other places. One was black and although it looked a bit boring, it sat well on me and made me look skinnier (which is always a plus). The other was very nice but required cleavage 'cause it had a very low neck. Both would need a strapless bra and they are so uncomfortable.

Guys have it so much easier. All they need is a suit and they're done.

Procrastination Ramble

Procrastination Ramble

I've been listening to the Beach Boys lately and they always put me in a good mood. I feel like dancing around.

I feel like doing anything but my assignments. I can feel this is going to be another one of those whiny entries about not feeling like doing uni work. Sorry.

I watched 4400 yesterday. It was fun. Don't know what else to say about it but I enjoyed it and will be watching the finale tonight.

My window is open now and I can smell the neighbours cooking dinner. It smells sweet and roasty. I'm trying not to eat anything sweet or roasty because I want to slim down. But it's proving to be impossible.

And I've decided that it was time to stop taking anti-histamines for my allergy (or whatever it is) and I'm starting to get the red rash everywhere again and I'm itchy all over. So frustrating.

On the upside, my hair started going wavy again. Must be the warm weather. It's all shiny and wavy like I wanted it to be.

The not eating of wheat didn't help my skin. But it helped me lose some weight (like half a kilo) so I'm going to try and not eat it.

My fitness plan isn't helping much, but I'm going to stick with it for a month because that's when it's supposed to show results.

Why is it so hard to lose 5 kgs? That's all I want. Then I'd look good in all sorts of clothes. And I'd be able to wear any dress to the formal at the end of the year.

I wish I didn't care so much about how I look. And sometimes I don't, which is why I can not care about exercising and eating healthy.

I think if I didn't think I had potential to look better, I wouldn't care.

Australian Politics

Australian Politics

I really didn't want to talk about politics because people just get frustrated but I have to say that I'm so sick of people being completely ignorant.

I'm not saying I'm an expert but I get really irritated when people say stupid things about some single politician as if that politician is the only one responsible for every single decision. Don't people know that things are decided by more than one person.

And I'm tired of people saying how horrible our government is. Go and try living in another country and see how you like it. I know so many people who only dream of living here but can't.

Lots of Australians are just spoilt and take it for granted how lucky we are to live in Australia.

Argh... I'm not going to say anymore.

Wish #76

Wish #76

Max and I meet.

Max: So have there been any guys you were interested in?
me: not really... except one but that was really stupid...
Max: what was it?
me: just met a guy at the bus stop and after only about an hour felt like we connected. Which is ridiculous, really. My friends are sick of me talking about him.
Max: what was his name?
me (embarrassed): I have no idea... All I know is that he lives in [suburb].
Max: Was he tall? Dark hair?
me (surprised): yeah!
Max (smiling): I don't believe this.
me: what?!
Max: my friend, [name], can't stop talking about some girl he met at the bus stop at uni
me (about to have a heart attack): no way!! Ohmigod!
Max: yeah, he won't shut up about it.

Max introduces me to BG and we live happily ever after.

The Way We Are

The Way We Are

Went out with the girls last night. (Not that there was any other alternative but I've always wanted to write that sentence and appear cool and sophisticated.)

We (April, Claud, Ellen and I) had dinner at a sushi place. The sushi train never ceased to entertain me. Oh, the childish joy of watching different dishes flow past. After I memorised all the dishes that were on the train, I moved on to the next childish activity - making silly faces at April's camera phone. April caught on to this fun and we both started taking photos of ourselves posing different emotions. I think we nailed the "I'm a complete idiot" one perfectly.

While April and I were being silly, Claud and Ellen were breaking new records with how many plates they took from the sushi train.

Ellen asked us if we minded if we didn't get paper invitations to her birthday party. April was taken aback when Ellen told us that she wasn't planning on printing them out for all 80 people that she was inviting. And she wasn't going to see us after the invitations get printed and before her party so it would be impossible for her to give them to us. (This is such an Ellen thing to do).

Then out of nowhere some guy came to us and handed Ellen a pack of her printed invitations. Ellen got flustered because she didn't expect to get them yesterday so she gave April and me one to share between the two of us. I let April keep it since she collects them. (Although she did forget to actually take it with her in the end.)

After dinner, Ellen left to do her assignments and Claud, April and I went to watch "The Notebook". It was better than I expected. I thought it was going to be another boring romance (that I only was going to watch because it was too early to go home and there was nothing better on) but it had some very funny moments. There was one bit that wasn't THAT funny but April started giggling which made me giggle which made April laugh even more which got contagious and so we both couldn't stop laughing. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't stop.

After the movie, April waited with me until my bus came and then we went home. My brother picked me up from the station. We are still not really talking. I gave up trying to make up with him. Although he is being nicer to me. Can't wait till his exams finish so we can go back to how we used to be (i.e. he tells me everything, including all minor details, about what's going on in his life and I do the same).

On Friday when I was asking him something and he was actually standing right in front of me (not doing something else where I can't even see him like he usually is) and I swear he looked older than a few months ago (when we still talked normally). Really hope we totally make up before I go to America because I don't think I'd enjoy my trip as much knowing that Andrew is mad at me. This weird situation between us is like having an extra weight on my shoulders that I can't take off, no matter how hard I try.

I'm still optimistic that this whole thing will blow over.

Guys Of The Year

Guys Of The Year

I decided to go down memory lane and read Ben's emails 'cause April and I were reflecting on all the guys we talked about since we formed our 'club' last year. Can't believe it happened so long ago. Although, it does feel like a while back.

I wonder why Ben stopped emailing... Maybe I shouldn't have asked him how old he was. My stupid ageist ways! I was so sure we would've met up. Maybe he found a girlfriend when he went overseas or something.

Oh who cares, anyway. He was too young.

And then there was Daniel. And Bus Guy. April is sick of me talking about BG (considering it's been about 5 months ago). I only talked to him for an hour and he made the biggest impression out of all the guys I know.

But I guess the oddest thing is that April doesn't know about the most significant guy in my life for the last year. By the rate I'm going, I doubt anyone will ever know about Max.

Max doesn't even deserve such specialness but that's the way things are.

Crunch

Crunch

Is it weird to be addicted to cereal?



I've discovered the yummiest cereal that's VERY healthy - full of fibre, low GI, no preservatives or artificial flavours or colours and totally delicious. I haven't been restricting it to just breakfast. I eat it all the time.

It's especially handy when I'm trying to reduce my intake of wheat and crave carbohydrates.

I've also been following my fitness plan and I feel a lot more energised.

Cool Old Ladies

Cool Old Ladies

The weather is sunny and my cold is almost gone so I feel great.

April and I were chatting last night and after repeating the same conversations we had in the past, we came to a realisation that we talked about every topic under the sun (and shade too), except one:

The weather.

April mentioned the rapid changes from cold to warm and so we were done with that one too.

I pointed out how it's almost like we are two old ladies who've been friends for all their lives and tell each other the same stories over and over again 'cause there's nothing else to talk about.

April: every day we'll tell the same stories
me: maybe we'll have bad memory and won't mind
April: we'll just sit quietly on the porch drinking tea/lemonade/coke whatever
me: do old ladies drink coke?
April: maybe without the gas?
me: I think we should be cool old ladies and drink coke with gas
April: we'll be rebels

Alone Together

Alone Together

Just talked with April for a few hours. I feel so overwhelmed with gratefullness that I've met that girl. Thanks to her, I don't feel like I'm the only one who feels the way I do about things. She's so much like me, it's uncanny. I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life.

I wish I could find a guy to connect so much with. Like April said, even though we are alone, we can be alone together. And that's always better.

Life is never as bad as it seems when you have good friends.

Looking Beautiful

Looking Beautiful

I was just reading over some old entries and it was quite interesting to see how some events turned out. And about the first time I mentioned Max, when I thought I'd never talk to him again and look where I am now. (Yeah, not very far, I know. But I didn't even expect to get here at all.)

In other news, I made myself a fitness plan and stuck it up in my room. Hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. And I've read that grains and refined sugars helped someone get rid of acne in a week so I'm going to try and not eat that for a week to see if it'd help me.

I still need to get a dress for the end of year formal/ball/party and it's been proving very difficult. All the dresses (that are not too expensive) that I've seen don't have any style and have horrible colour schemes. And there's no way I'm wearing pink. Just not my colour. And I really don't want to wear black. Or yellow. I know, I know, I'm picky.

I just want a dress that would make me look gorgeous. But then, doesn't everyone?

I also want my hair to get wavy again like it used to be. It's becoming too straight. I never got why some girls want straight hair so much. I think curly hair looks a lot better. Does anyone know the best way to get NATURALLY looking curly/wavy hair? (Not one of those fake spiral ones.)

Caring about appearances sure takes the attention off everything else.

Sick Dreaming

Sick Dreaming

When everyone had the flu a few weeks ago, I managed to sail through unscarred (with the help of echinacea). Then yesteday night, my glands swelled up so much I couldn't swallow and my nose started running. Today, we had grandparents over to celebrate my Grandma's birthday but I could barely stay alert. I really tried to pretend I was fine but then gave up. I slept way too much today.

Imagined how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to take care of me.

I messaged Max to tell him that I couldn't talk right now because I was sick. He messaged me back to wish me well and to tell me he was watching the NRL Grand Final. Didn't know he was into Rugby...

Confessing To Mum and Max

Confessing To Mum and Max

I'm not exactly sure how it happened but I ended up telling my Mum about BG yesterday. She laughed at my bad luck. I think she was kinda pleased that I met someone I liked, even if nothing happened.

When I switched my phone on today in the morning, there was a message from Max that he sent me at 2 in the morning saying how it'd be good to talk again. Didn't feel as happy about it as I would've last week or the week before that. Don't know why but my feelings towards Max change dramatically from desperately wanting to meet and talk to him to pretending he doesn't exist. Right now I'm close to the latter.

I'm trying to think of meeting him as something fun but right now it doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm happier without any guys at all than with one 'sort of ok' one. This is a rare feeling(especially now that I'm 20).

I have a bit of a cold right now so I'm using that as an excuse not to reply to his message which I think will lead to a conversation over the phone. And my throat can't handle talking for at least an hour (which I'm sure how long it will be).

Matchmaker. Weirdness.

Matchmaker. Weirdness.

I went to Lilly's and Sophia's combined birthday party at a Japanese restaurant. I ended up seating next to Sally and the gross girl that I talked about here. I was polite to her at the beginning and asked her about how her holidays have been. She said she did uni work and didn't ask me anything, so I gave up talking to her.

Sally started matching people up and telling me why certain people were suited to each other (some that she didn't even know). She then said, "I wonder who you could go with" and I said, "No one here, that's for sure!" in a very definite tone. She looked around and said, "Sam." As you can imagine, I was greatly offended and told her so. She said that opposites attract. I completely disagreed. Not counting the fact that I'm not attracted to Asian guys, Sam also likes to get drunk, acts like an idiot and doesn't realise that people are often laughing at him, not with him. He (like most of the rest of the guys) is completely not self-aware. And he cares way too much what he looks like. Just the idea of me being matched with him is completely and utterly gross. Although, the rest aren't much better.

Sometimes I feel like there's no one in the world who's suited to me. But my opinion has been skewed towards this thinking because of the terrible variety of guys that are around me. I'm sure there are intelligent, non-smoking, non-alcoholic, non-religious, funny, kind and attractive (to me) guys (a few years older than me) somewhere out there. Please, let there be!

I also have to try and stop my weird side coming out. Sometimes I say really strange things out of nowhere and it completely throws people off. I know I can say weird things with my close friends because they don't notice it but I have to be more careful with others. After I said to Sally out of nowhere, "How does the chef's hat never fall off his head, even though it's so high?" she looked at me puzzled and said, "You're one very strange girl". I just said it light-heartedly but I guess she thought I was very serious. I should think before I say things like that. Without my little weird side, I'm very normal. I think that my weirdness makes me interesting and some people like me more because of it. But I guess not everyone understands.

My brother picked me up from the station. When I got in the car, I saw that 2 of his friends (girls) were there. I know all about them but I've never properly met them. I'm disappointed in my brother. Who knew he'd be friends with teeny-boppers. They were both giggling at nothing and one kept poking Andrew in the neck, while he was driving. They are defintely not the type of girls I'd be friends with.

I feel like my brother is changing for the worse. Really hope that his moodiness and rudeness is just a phase caused by the stress of the uni entrance exams. It's as if aliens have kidnapped my real nice and sweet and easy-going brother and put a mean one in his place.

Last weekend some people came over (that just came from POB) and the son is Andy's age so his Mum wanted to introduce him to my brother, since the guy doesn't know anyone here. I have never seen my brother be more rude to guests. Andrew completely ignored him, didn't talk to him until prompted by my Mum and the poor guy had to try to initiate conversation and was very friendly. If I was younger, I would've had a very big crush on him. I thought the guy was great and the old Andrew would've made him feel welcome.