Is the World Spinning or am I?

I read on another blog how that blogger likes to watch people on the train/bus. She said she saw one woman crying and another biting her lip to stop from laughing. She said she wondered what these people were thinking. Why did the middle-aged woman have tears running down her face? What did the young woman find so funny?

Well, today in the morning, I was biting my own lip from smiling. David sent me the sweetest message. I was so happy I wanted to laugh. That plus remembering what he told me yesterday just moved my lips into the biggest grin. I couldn't stop.

Like that wasn't enough, we just had the most amazing conversation on the phone. It got a little uncomfortable at the beginning but once we got into it, it just felt so great. What could we have been talking about, you might wonder.

We talked about our future. The one where we are together. And the most exciting part was discussing how we could make it happen.

At first he was like, "This is really weird, we're talking like we are getting married. Isn't that a bit too soon?" so I told him there was no point discussing serious issues unless he was certain about us. (And you know exactly what I mean by 'certain'.)

He said in the last couple of days he's been thinking and all he wants is to be with me. Forever. He said he can see me in his future.

The absolute best thing that he said that really put me in 100th heaven was that even though religion was the biggest tension between us, he realised even religion was not as important to him as I was. He said I was more important than everything. This was coming from the guy who said he couldn't compare between his faith and me. He said they were completely different things. Now he said I was the more important one. He said he couldn't care about it if I wasn't with him.

Now that's what I call a change!

Anyway, we really got the ball rolling about our future. I told him that even though we knew pretty much everything about each other generally, we never really talked about important things. He asked to give him an example. So I did.

We discussed the topic of kids. It's amazing how we both brought ourselves to an agreement about everything. It's like we were subconsciously trying to find common ground. If we can always talk like that, I think we'd be able to find a solution to everything.

He said he really wanted to wait until he finished his degree and got a full-time job, even if I got one beforehand. I said I was happy to support both of us. Then he was like, what if we 'accidentally' have a kid. I told him the chance of that is pretty minimal. Anyway, I agreed to wait till the end of next year. I mean, I'll still only be 23 so it's still almost in my 'dream age' of getting married. I could have a child before 25 and therefore still be a relatively young Mum.

David also brought up the issue that our friends will still be going out since none of them are planning on getting married until 30 and we wouldn't be able to join them. I told him that my Mum already volunteered to baby-sit. He said his Mum did too. I told him at least we'll be cool young parents, like our own. We won't have a large age gap between our kids and ourselves, like most of our peers will.

It's weird to think back to our old conversations, like the ones where he told me marriage was committing suicide and the one where he didn't want to settle down until he was thirty. And now he's bringing up these topics out of his own accord.

I mean, I want this so much I'm freaked out to bring it up, fearing that he's not certain he wants us to get married etc. Yet, here he is telling me he's been thinking about it and he's certain he wants to spend his life with me. He said it's the thing he wants the most.

Only yesterday I was going to blog about how for the first time since last April, I felt like my head was clear of any fuzziness because I had finally gotten over the blurry pink cloud that surrounded me. I felt that finally my relationship was another part of my life, not the overriding joy. Now I'm back into the fuzziness. I mean, we just talked about financing our lives together and how we would discipline our kids!!! The ones we don't even have yet! It's making my head spin.

He said he'll call me after he gets back from Ryan's (and his girl problems) so we could continue talking.

In the last couple of weeks our relationship started skyrocketing to a new level, and now it has gained speed. I'm scared and so excited!

Four

I found a website which shows which blogs link to mine. From it, I saw that someone tagged me to do one of those questionnaires that are so popular with bloggers. So I'm going to do it.

Four jobs I've had
1. book seller
2. graphic designer
3. marketing coordinator
4. tutor

Four movies I could watch over and over
This is pretty hard because I don't like to watch movies over and over again. I remembered these from experience of not minding watching them again.
1. some POBian ones that you wouldn't have ever heard of
2. American Beauty
3. While You Were Sleeping
4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Four places I've lived
1. POB
2. Australia - one suburb
3. Australia - another suburn
4. Australia - and another suburb

Four TV shows I watch
1. Desperate Housewives
2. Girl In Love
3. Prison Break
4.

Cannot believe I watch less than four shows nowadays!

Four places I've vacationed (how American, I should say 'holidayed')
1. USA
2. France
3. Australia
4. POB

Four of my favourite dishes
1. steak
2. pizza
3. any sauce with vegetables/meats mixed with rice
4. chorizo sausage (loved it ever since David gave me one)

(obviously I'm not counting dessert as a 'dish' because otherwise I could go on for a while)

Four sites I visit daily
1. this one
2. hotmail
3. http://sleepylauren.blogspot.com/
4. http://miaworld.blogspot.com/

Four places I would rather be
1. at David's house
2. out, dancing
3. in a shopping centre (I want to buy stuff, now that I've got extra money)
4. in Europe/USA

Four authors I love (I added this one myself)
1. Paullina Simons
2. Fannie Flagg
3. Harry Mazer and Judy Blume(when I still read teenage books)
4. J.K. Rowling

(As you can see, it's too hard for me to only come up with four)

Four people I can't live without (another extra one)
1. Mum
2. David
3. April
4. Andy

Four hobbies
1. reading
2. dancing
3. blogging
4. music

I tag Toey, Jen, Lily and Janice to do this. (But everyone else is welcome too!)

Work Moves

Today's interview was the first time when I felt like I was in control. The general manager showed a tinsy winsy drop of confidence which in turn relaxed me. I felt so professional showing them my work and telling them how overqualified I was for the position.

They said they wouldn't mind if I kept working at my current role until it ended and doing their work from home. That would be the best because then I'd have a back-up if the contract finishes and at the same time, if it doesn't I can't just drop this.

The major problem was that the office stank because they had a warehouse of their products. Fortunately, if I do get the job, I wouldn't have to actually stay in the office.

The big positive thing was that the two women seemed very friendly and easy-going.

I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm really enjoying my current role. It gives me satisfaction working for the government. It's like I'm assisting the state. It's a weird but nice feeling working on the other side of the education system.

One lady who works part-time forgot something in the office and called me to ask if I could bring it down to her car since she didn't want to take her child up to the office.

When I got there, the lady said to say hello to her daughter because she was disappointed she couldn't come up. When I greeted her daughter, I felt such an immense wave of confidence and joy that it made me yearn to become a teacher.

It's weird how I'm not so confident around adults but with kids, I become almost a different person. I stop worrying about looking and sounding professional and grown-up. I just relax and become myself.

I think children bring out the best in me.

Out of my Mind and Out of my Car

For the whole of this post I will complain about the problems with my car that I had in the last two days due to my carelessness. You've been warned.

After work yesterday, I was supposed to drive to David's house to see how his Mum was after her operation. I got out of work as soon as I could and as my hand went for my car keys inside my bag, I got a sinking feeling.

My keys were inside my locked car. As I came to my vehicle, I saw them in the ignition, just the way I left them in the morning.

How could this have happened? Well, I wasn't totally empty-minded. I got distracted. In the morning before getting out of my car, I was talking on my mobile so when I finished I thought I completely switched off the car and taken out the keys. Obviously not.

Anyway, I called roadside assistance (after calling my Dad). Then I called David to let him know I was going to be late. He laughed and said not to worry.

Finally when the guy came, he made opening a locked door look so simple! He said, "This isn't your first time, is it?" I got offended and said, "It is, actually!" Do I look like I lock myself out on a regular basis? Hmph.

After I thanked him and he left, I turned on the car but it wouldn't start! The battery was flat. I called roadside assistance again, hoping they'd get the same guy to turn around and come back. But they wouldn't. They told me someone would come within an hour. I was so annoyed. I mean, the guy who opened my car was probably only a street away!

I called David to tell him. He started laughing again. He volunteered to come and recharge the battery himself because he had the equipment. I told him not to worry because the guy could've gotten there before him.

I felt pretty stupid at having wasted so much time because of my lack of focus. But not as stupid as I felt today in the morning.

I was about to go to work when I switched on the car and lo and behold, it wouldn't start! I tried to switch it on a few times but nothing. I ran upstairs to tell my Dad. He said, "Is the break in Parking?" and I was like, "Of course!" Why would I not put it in Park when I've been doing that for the last few years, ever since I started driving? Then he started saying that I wrecked the battery. I was like, "But I had it on for over half an hour yesterday, just as the guy said!" (Whine, whine)

Called up work to tell them I was going to be late. My boss was really nice and said, "That's ok, take your time". When the guy arrived, he checked the battery and said, "It's fine. Try to start it". So I tried but it wouldn't work. The guy was puzzled by this and said, "The battery is definitely not the problem". I wanted to tell Dad, "I told you so!" but I kept quiet and hoped it wasn't something worse.

Then the guy got inside my car and said, "Oh! Your car is in Drive! You can't start it unless it's in Park!" Maybe he felt my embarrassment because he added, "It's hard to see here in the dark". My Dad shook his head and said, "Children," like I was ten or something! I hoped the guy didn't hear him.

From now on, I will tick off things on my mental list:
- break: off
- gear: park
- keys: in bag
- bag: in hand
- brain: (hopefully still with me)

A Bit About Work, Love and Sport

Today I was a bit bored at work. Not much to do.

Left at 4:00, since I was told I only need to do 7 hours and I'm worried they'll get annoyed if they have to pay me for more.

Another driver really annoyed me. I was trying to turn into a really busy street and waiting for ages for a gap. This man behind me started beeping at me because he couldn't see the cars that were coming from the corner. Then, he went on the other side of our street and blocked my way to see onto the street.

As he realised, there really were too many cars. He just stood next to me watching the road. Then he went right in front of a car which was so scary because the other car had to break really hard.

I hate people who drive like that. Is it really worth getting into a crash for not waiting a few extra minutes? It's stupid idiots like that who get innocent people injured on the roads.

Anyway, I realised it wasn't worth getting into a bad mood because of some careless driver.

When I got home, I got a call from a local company I applied to (and called) a couple of weeks ago. I thought they've rejected me because they were supposed to have interviews a week ago.

I'm a little torn now, though. I really like the job I'm in now (high pay, good, work, great company, good location) but it'll most likely end in three months. This company probably has a minimum pay, only part-time, boring work and a small company.

I'll go to the interview and only worry about any decision making if I get it. If I don't, it'll be easier for me. For the moment anyway.

It's David's and my 10 months anniversary today. Not that it's that significant but I can't help but think about it. Won't be seeing him today though because he's working all day and night. I'm annoyed my brother changed his job to Tuesdays so now I can't drive to his house during the middle of the week.

Yeah, 10 months... Is that still the beginning of a relationship? 'Cause I still feel excited to see him and our chemistry has grown (if that's possible). Although I'm over the "Ohmygod, I have a boyfriend!" stage. My life feels so normal with him in it and not like a dream, the way it did in the beginning.

I've also grown more tolerant of his faults. He made a counting mistake when he was dividing 109.90 by 2 and before, that would've been a cause of doubt for our relationship. Now, I turn a blind eye and just think, "Everyone makes mistakes". I also got annoyed he made a spelling error on my birthday card but I'm not seriously thinking of breaking up with him because of that. Does that mean I've changed?

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before on my blog so excuse me if I'm repeating. I've read that couples who have been together for decades usually see their partner through rose tinted glasses. That makes sense because if we paid attention to their every fault, we'd just upset ourselves. Sometimes it's just easier to ignore and forget. Of course this would only apply to minor things. Although maybe abused partners also ignore their partners' behaviour because it's just easier that way and because they focus on their positive attributes (no matter how small those are).

In other news, I seriously need exercise but I have no motivation. Before I didn't have to worry about this because just walking to work would be better than nothing. Now I have to intentionally go for a walk in the evening. I only go with my Mum because otherwise I would be bored out of my mind. The bad thing about going with my Mum is that her moderately fast pace is my normal pace. And there is no point for me to walk slowly because that doesn't count as exercise.

If I caught the train, I might make myself get off earlier to go to the dancing class but since I don't, I can't be bothered going there at night.

Wish I enjoyed exercise. It would make things so much easier. Why does exerting myself make me so bored? Why can't I enjoy moving my muscles until they ache? I really didn't inherit any sports genes. They must've all gone to my brother who excels at every sport.

Well, as you can see from the trivial thoughts that are swimming in my head today, life is quite ordinary for me at the moment. Work problems, bad drivers, boyfriend, no exercise.

To end this post here is another trivial thought that was on my mind today:

"One thing I love about Mondays is that there are usually no jobs to apply for so I don't have to spend an hour writing applications. Yay!"

The Life I Wanted

Since I was a teenager all I wanted was to have a 'normal' happy life. You know, the ones you read in books about and watch in TV shows and films. The ones you see portrayed in fiction that make you wish you had 'that'. The close family, the long-time best friends, the love who makes you giddy with happiness. All of that with the quirkiness of personalities, the loyalty and support and just plain fun of life that all those elements let you experience.

As I was celebrating my birthday last night with my friends, I felt like I had the 'normal happy life' I've always dreamed of. My childhood friends were there (including Nadine), the guy who made my heart so full was next to me, and today my grandparents came over.

I had such a good time last night. We went to a POBian restaurant that had a mini cabaret, a violinist and dancing. The atmosphere really reminded me of where I was born. Took me back to the last time I was at that place for Nadine's 18th birthday. At one point she came up to me and said, "I just went to the bathroom and had the biggest deja vu of us talking there last time. I was so drunk I couldn't remember anything of that night but that seat near the bathroom brought back so many memories." It made me nostalgic but happy to have Nadine there to share those memories.

There was a group of young parents with small kids who looked so typically POBian. The tall blonde women all dressed up, the trendy young Dads and the little girls looking like dolls. They had so much food and alcohol on their table. Little things like seeing that group made me remember.

David and I shared a "plate for two". There were several different meats, wedges and salad. Some meat was cooked rare which I didn't particularly like so David said he'd have that and I could have the ones I liked. Then when there was a little bit of salad left, he gave me all the tomatoes and cucumbers, while he took the lettuce. I told him I was happy to share it between the both of us but he said, "I know you like tomatoes and cucumbers so you have them". So so sweet. And he left me the majority of the dessert, refusing to eat the last bit no matter how much I insisted I wanted him to have it. He said, "It's your birthday, you can have anything you want today". What made me smile was that he always lets me have what I want, even on normal days.

Once people started dancing, Amelia all of a sudden gave out a scream and turned away from the dance floor. There was a woman who was wearing a what you may call a long tube top, barely covering her bum. This lady was quite shapely so the more she moved, the more you could see her cellulite jiggling while her dress started riding up, exposing her butt. Of course she didn't care in the slightest and continued to jump around. So for the next 15 minutes, Amelia would glance at the floor and look at me totally freaked out.

When Nadine noticed Amelia's shocked face, she said, "This woman is probably 30, single and desperate so this is the only way she can get attention". Really don't think April felt happy about sluttiness being associated with single and desperate people.

They played some Latin music which was a bit of a surprise, but a good one. I couldn't convince anyone to dance with me. David was the only one who came with me. He was like, "You want to dance? Let's go!"

We did some salsa which made everyone stare because David was showing off his complicated moves. When I feel eyes from everywhere staring at me, I get really tense and stiff. So I probably embarrassed myself. At least I had fun. Later Nadine said, "What you just did... is totally beyond me!"

I wonder what my friends were saying when they saw us dancing like that for the first time. I hope they weren't thinking how ridiculous and out of place we looked. David said I should stop caring what others think and just enjoy it.

After some insisting and pleading, at the end of the night I got to dance with the girls. That was a lot of fun too and just like the single days. Amelia and I did totally uncool moves but we didn't care and continued.

When we went home, I volunteerd to walk April home so she wouldn't have to make her parents stay up. She only lives about 2 minutes from the station but she said there were some bushes where creeps could hide. When we saw that these 'bushes' was one tree, David couldn't stop teasing her about it. I said, "What kind of weirdo would go behind that tree to jump out at people?" and she said, "Precisely a weirdo". God, she's paranoid but really sweet to message me at 7:30 in the morning thanking me for walking her home.

When David and I got home, we stayed up for a couple of hours because we weren't that tired. It was probably from all the excitement earlier. We discussed every event, person and conversation from the party in detail, as well as the presents. Almost everyone gave me bags. I really don't know what to do with so many. Nadine gave me a touching card. She said that even though we don't see each other much, she's happy that she has a wonderful friend in me to share so many memories.

Today my grandparents came for lunch which was really nice. David stayed so he made the whole family event a lot more interesting. Plus I felt grown up to have a partner at a family gathering. He and my brother kept teasing each other the whole time. I think that's the only way they can communicate with each other.

My brother was sweet to me yesterday so I think we'll be getting over the way extended silence between us. That makes me really happy. I really didn't think he had it in him to make an effort to smooth things over. Fortunately I was wrong.

Now, everyone left. The presents are all unwrapped and I'm a year older. I'm sitting at the computer typing out the events that happened in the last two days, feeling like after years of wanting to be surrounded by people who accept me and like me for the person I am inside, I finally have it.

I have April who will be happy for me no matter how sad she is for herself. I have Amelia who will make me laugh with her sharp remarks and dramatic nature. I have Nadine who will remember me the way I was when I was a nine years old and couldn't speak English. I have Claudia and Mike who will always make me relaxed in any situation. I have my family who will always support me and help me no matter what. And of course I now have David who will dance with me when no one else does.

Still the Same

For my thirteenth birthday I didn't want to do anything. I told my Mum that I was just wanted to have a quiet day/night at home with no one coming over. I was going through an "I hate everyone" phase.

So what does my Mum do but invite this woman who I absolutely can't stand. She was rude, smoked like a chimney (enough to make me not like someone) and was dumb in my opinion.

I got upset at my Mum for not doing what I asked her on my birthday. It was all I wanted. How hard was it? My Mum told me that it was a day for her to celebrate too since she was the one who had given birth. Of course I got mad. I refused to come out and say hello to the guests. I stayed in my room in complete fury and hurt that my Mum would do something I asked her not to on my day.

After my Mum yelled at me to get out, which was embarrassing enough, I went to say hello. In my anger, I told off this woman that she should stop smoking (which she was doing just outside our kitchen door) and didn't she know the effects of smoking on people nearby. I gave her a whole lecture on passive smoking. She sarcastically asked if it was ok if she went outside. I told her no because the smoke would go through the windows. She asked if she could smoke at her house and I told her she could do whatever she wanted there but it wasn't good for her baby son.

So she threw out her cigarette and told my Mum that she was going home.

The next week, my Dad made me apologise to my Mum because this lady made her cry, telling her what a rude child she had who she should control and discipline better, and she was never coming to our house again. I told my Mum it was for the best because we wouldn't get lung cancer.

For the next few weeks, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I haven't seen the woman since then.

Fast forward to today's morning. The phone rings. I pick up and who do I hear but that woman's voice. She asked how I was. I told her I was fine and asked her. And you know what she said? "Still smoking."

Unbelievable. It's been almost 10 years and that's what she brings up.

You Raise Me Up

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

Heard Westlife sing the above song and it gave me shivers. (The cold temperature might've had 'something' to do with it.) It made me think of David. And no, not every song makes me think of him.

I really feel like he makes me try to be a better person. Before, I used to do 'just enough' for everything. Whether it was uni assignments, cleaning, helping etc. I would never do more than was required. Maybe it was laziness, maybe I just didn't see the point of doing anything extra. Now I do.

David showed me, from example, that it's the extra unnecessary effort that means the most. Like driving to my house for only an hour just so I won't have to catch a train to his. Buying me a chocolate bar at the petrol station for no reason at all. Or how at a food court, he always takes his rubbish to the bin (even if it's on the other side of the place) because he wants to make it easier for the cleaners. When he worked at the restaurant, he always did all the extra cleaning and helped customers with different things. He did it so often, that one customer told his manager what a great person he was and now he received an award - a night at a five star hotel overlooking the beach (worth about $300) plus free buffet breakfast. And what impresses me the most is that he never expects anything for his effort.

So in his footsteps, I decided to do something completely unnecessary for him. I got him a bag of jelly beans. He put them in his car and the next morning, someone broke into it and stole them. They also stole his street directory and jumper (since there was nothing else). And you know what, I'm only sad about the lollies because now he can't enjoy them.

The Friendly Rejection

There's nothing like a rejection letter to ruin my mood. And it wasn't even a standard one. Well, this guy sent me the standard one plus a personal one saying that he was sorry I was unsuccessful because I sounded very nice on the phone. Like calling me nice would make me feel better! If anything, it makes me feel worse.

Even though I have a job at the moment, I still dread the end of it. In a few months it'll be over and I'll be back to where I started from.

Still can't tell if I'm liked at work. They are all friendly to me but since I've been jaded by past experience, I can't rely on their smiling faces.

I wonder how long it takes for my teaching application to be answered. I might give them a call next week.

Nadine called last night to tell me she'll be coming to my birthday dinner. I kinda regretted inviting her because then it'll definitely look like my party, rather than a get-together with my friends where we also celebrate April's and Amelia's birthdays. Oh well, I guess she'll liven it up. And besides, I haven't had a proper birthday celebration (that wasn't combined with April or Amelia) since I was 15 year old.

I'm SO looking forward to it! It's been years since I've been excited about my birthday. I don't even feel that old.

My Energy Source

David is coming over! David is coming over!

I was preparing myself for not seeing him till Saturday but now I don't have to anymore! He doesn't have to work tonight! Yay! I'm so happy! I feel like I haven't seen him for ages! I just have all this extra energy now that I don't know what to do with. Maybe I'll go run around my house. Or try jumping to the ceiling. Hope he's not late 'cause I'm too excited now and don't think I can wait even one extra minute.

Another First Day

I am absolutely loving that fact that I got home at around 5pm and will still earn extra (since I did over 7 hours).

All day I was doing desktop publishing. It wasn't as creative as designing magazines but it allowed me to rearrange their basic elements to create cover pages for different brochures. Wasn't that exciting but wasn't boring either. The people seem nice. Didn't notice anyone my age.

It was a little weird to drive there and back though 'cause I'm so used to public transport (to work). I saved so much time!

The only bad thing is that I won't be doing much exercise if I drive every day. No more walking to the station and to work. That was my hour of exercise per day. (And I speed walk, for your information.) Really should look into dance classes again. I need some physical activity. I would walk during lunch time but there's nowhere really to go. Walking along a busy road isn't that motivating.

I think there might be a miniscule chance of a permanent position but don't want to get my hopes up.

Finally... Another One

Do you notice something on the right of this page? In the box, after 'Occupation'? If not, have a look.

See? I'm a Public Relations Assistant now because I got the job! On the spot. I'm starting tomorrow.

I'm a little excited. Firstly, of course because I will be employed again. Secondly because the hourly rate will be the highest I ever received. Thirdly, it's only a 30 minutes drive away. Fourthly, hours are flexible (just like in my last job) so I can start at 8:30 and finish at 4:30. (And to start at 8:30, I only have to leave the house at 8!)

The woman who interviewed me (more like just had a look at my portfolio and that's it) is hard to judge at the moment. I didn't get the best first impression but first impressions can be misleading sometimes. She said that since I did a lot of design, they might get me to do all their desktop publishing instead of sending it out to external designers. The administrative part involves researching (relatively interesting information) so it shouldn't be just data entry.

It's only a 3 month contract but since I'm not sure why yet, hopefully there could be an opportunity to become permanent. All I want now is just to do a good job and for them to like me. If I can achieve both of those, I would be very happy.

It's amazing that for the last few years, I've received a job offer around my birthday. Hopefully I don't have to wait another year for my next job.

Amelia's Words

I emailed everyone the details of my birthday get-together (i.e. time, place, the restaurant's website so they could have a look at the menu and entertainment details). In it, I wrote that there was no dress code and everyone could wear whatever they wanted, although it was a good excuse to dress up and that this was a good time for Amelia to wear her uncomfortable shoes since there was not going to be a lot of walking.

She replied:
Wow I hope those slutty dancers from the website will be there! Of course I will dress inappropriately - thanks for the headsup!

Amelia cracks me up.

Always On My Mind

Just as I was getting angry about cheaters (see previous entry), I got an email from David. He wrote, "I know we saw each other today but I really miss you a lot". The he wrote something that made me want to cry (from happiness). And he sent me some pictures of his relatives from South America. Not exactly sure why since it's a random picture of his aunty, cousin and grandma.

I love it when he's thinking of me at the same time that I'm thinking of him. Although I guess it's not such a big coincidence considering I think about him 90% of the time.

The Selfish Cruel Heart

I was reading Not Proud (similar to, but not in any way better than, PostSecret). People, basically, send in their confessions of things that they did but are not proud of.

I cannot believe how easy it is for some people to cheat on their partners and still say that they love them. It's disgusting and makes me sick. I always knew that cheating was bad but reading some of the confessions makes me physically ill. I don't even know these people but I never felt angrier (and I very rarely experience that emotion). Just want to shake them and hurt them so hard they never experience love again. How can people inflict such pain on others? It's too cruel.

There were also some heart-wrenching confessions that really show humans at its most vulnerable.

I think now that I have someone I love, reading these things makes me more emotional than I would've been if I was single. Just the thought of the one you love not loving you back is more than I can handle. Or the one you trust deceiving you.

I wish everyone valued how rare it is to find real love and not abuse it in such careless and selfish way.

Full Night

You know how some people don't eat breakfast because they are not hungry in the morning? Well, I was never one of those. I never felt like I was ready for the day without some food energy. However, today I couldn't even look at food in the morning. Just had some tea.

Why, you might ask, was today different to other days? This was all because I had way too much food late last night.

First I went to dinner with girls from uni. Then they all insisted on dessert, which usually I'm quite happy about, if only I wasn't so full from the huge pile of fried rice and chicken I had earlier.

After dessert, I met up with David, Ryan and Ria and went for yet another dinner. Of course, I barely had anything the second time round 'cause it was after 10pm by then.

So you can see why I'm really not that hungry.

I'm actually quite sleepy because we didn't go to sleep until about 3am.

The dinner with the girls was really nice. Too bad I couldn't stay longer and gossip more. Being with those girls always brings back memories of uni. We talk about everything. From relationships to jobs to memories of our student lives.

One girl said that after 8 years of going out with her boyfriend, one recent weekend away brought them closer. Amazing, you'd think you'd be as close as you can get in that amount of time. She said that for the first time in her life she felt completely content. She loves her job, has her boyfriend and her friends. Her life makes her completely happy.

When she said that, I thought, "That never lasts long" but then I remembered that complete happiness never lasts only in my life. I'm sure she'll have it for a long time. I was suprised that she said it was the first time she felt like that because for the 4 years I've known her, she always seemed to have everything. Maybe she only realised it now. I'm glad she's not taking it for granted.

I felt a little sad when everyone was talking about how their careers were progressing. New jobs, new promotions, more demanding work, salary rises. Made me wish I was on the same path. Didn't tell anyone about my idea to change careers. Teaching seemed so insignificant compared to creative directors, web designers, marketing coordinators. So uncool and not trendy. But the weird thing was that I still wanted to do it. Still wanted to be in a classroom working with kids.

One girl was telling us about her school reunion and how one girl hasn't had a boyfriend since high school. And she said it in a very judgemental tone, like "Can you believe that?!" I took offense. So what if she hasn't had one since then? There were a couple of girls in our group who never had one. How did they feel hearing her say that?

One thing I learnt is that having a partner does not reflect what sort of person you are. You could be the most ordinary girl/guy with no weird tendencies and an easy-going nature and still not have one. Or you could be a complete freak and have heaps. Having or not having a partner means absolutely nothing and people should never judge others based on their relationship status.

When David came to pick me up so we could drive to the city, I saw him through the window and he looked so hot! I couldn't stop thinking, "That's my boyfriend". Ryan was with him and he looked better than usual so the shower-off in me wanted everyone to see that the girl who never even had proper guy friends was getting picked up by two cool looking guys. Although, I bet no one even noticed.

We met Ria in the city. She looked just like the last time I saw her. All bright and loud. It was definitely a different atmosphere hanging out with a few extroverted South Americans, after being with all my conservative Asian friends. It satisfied the two sides of my personality. I wasn't really joining in as much because I was tired. After they ate, we went for a walk which was really needed. That was the first time we just walked around with them because before we always hung around at clubs. It was nice though.

David said, "I'm glad April is not here so we can act couply". I was embarrassed for April. I mean what am I supposed to do? If I don't bring this to his attention, April would feel really bad seeing us together but if I do tell him to act less couply in front of her, that makes her look weird.

When we got home, I didn't feel tired at all, strangely, so we stayed up. Had a really good chat. Not sure why but late chats (with anyone) are usually much better than day ones. Maybe it's because we're more tired, lose our inhibitions and open up more.

He left early because he has to do uni work. Probably won't see him for a few days, at least but I'm getting used to this now. Really looking forward to our next meeting.

My Name in Print

Is there anyone who doesn't love receiving mail? And I don't mean the typical bills, junk mail etc. I mean personal things that you don't expect that make you excited with anticipation when you rip them open?

Well, I haven't received such mail since I was a teenager and had penpals. Until today, that is.

As I checked the mail, there was a large envelope addressed to me. I wondered if it was the answer to my teaching application. I was surprised they would've replied so soon. As I turned it over to see the return address, I realised what it was. It was the magazine that I designed! The complete glossy version that thousands of people are currently reading.

I couldn't stop smiling as I leafed through the pages. It turned out fantastic. (I can see where I can improve a little but overall I am very pleased with it.) I had an irrational fear that they would change it after I left but it's just the same. I have something great to show at my interview on Monday, rather than just A3 printed copes.

Now I'm quite overprotective of the publication and wish I asked for two copies in case anything happens to it. It already has a creased corner which could've happened in the post.

Anyway, it really made my day.

The Classic Side of my Boyfriend

I got the interview for the Public Relations Assistant position. I so hope I get it because if I change to teaching, it would be good to have an educational institution on my resume. From what the agent told me, it sounds like the interview is almost like for a permanent position because the process will be long and serious. I never had to go to an interview for a temp job if it was through an agency. For this one I have to bring my portfolio and talk to two people. Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to it.

On another completely different note, David likes opera. I was a little shocked to hear that. Who would've thought that a guy who can listen to rock, metal, r&b, latin and retro, also likes classical music? I wonder if there is even one genre of music he doesn't like. Even though I laughed, deep down I was really impressed and proud to have such an intelligent and deep boyfriend.

Before talking to David, I went with my Mum shopping to get some souvenirs for her to take to POB in a month. I'm not surprised where some of my indecisiveness comes from. We were in one tiny story for 40 minutes! I mean, it's so much easier to get things for other people, there's no need to be so picky. My Mum didn't agree. Fortunately we managed to buy what we came for so it was not a lost night.

The Great Divide

When I was a kid, I thought adults were like a different species. They talked differently, they acted differently, they knew everything. They were strong and powerful. I was a little intimidated by them but overplayed 'the innocent kid' card so they would be nice to me. (I'm very sad that acting innocent doesn't work anymore because people just think you're shy and insecure.)

Now I realise, adults are just children who lived longer. As I started working last year where I was equal to people decades older than me, it felt weird to talk to them in a normal way, not in a way I would've talked to my teachers or parents' friends. I could no longer distance myself from their conversations, the way I would when I was young.

I read a few blogs by people in their 30s and you know what? I can relate to them. I feel like they're speaking my language. I guess after you become an adult, your mind stops growing and your personality stops changing (the way it did when you were growing up).

I'm going to be 22 very soon. A 22 year old is definitely an adult, a real grown-up. Yet, I don't really feel like I'm that different. Sure I have had more experiences now but inside my head, I still feel like a kid.

The wonderful thing this year is that I'm not depressed about my birthday for once. I feel like a normal person now that I have a boyfriend. A real serious boyfriend who I'm hopeful to have a future with. I'm not behind which is such a relief. Yes, I don't have a job, but I see that as just another problem in life that people have to deal with at one time or another.

I've organised a little birthday party with my school friends. Everyone said they were coming. Amelia even took a night off work. Hope no one cancels. I even invited Nadine since it's a POBian restaurant and all so she would actually understand everything but she hasn't confirmed. I guess I wouldn't mind so much if she doesn't come.

I was thinking of inviting uni friends but decided against it as I don't want the party split up like it would if they come. I want to have a nice night out with my closest friends. And this might seem very silly, but girls will only outnumber boys by 2. And David will be there which will be absolutely the best. I never had a birthday with a boyfriend.

I smile at the thought that my life now is exactly how I imagined it to be when I was a child. For once in my life, the dream in my head matches my reality. That makes me so happy and I want to hold on to this forever.

It's almost a year since I've met David. Such a once in a lifetime meeting changed my life completely. I don't even want to think what state I'd be in if he didn't come into my life. I read something very interesting on writersbloc, "...those we fall in love with may be all the things we might not even like, but with the right person, those things don't matter and we learn to adjust and deal..." Couldn't have put it better myself. So true. [Read full post here.]

Not being single anymore has started to settle in my mind. I know this because I did something very insensitive that I would have never done, had I remembered what it was like to feel like you'll be alone forever.

Here is what happened. April and I have been wanting to go to theatre for ages but there was nothing on that interested us or was below $200. So finally, she informed me of an affordable show that sounded entertaining. So what do I do but immediately ask David if he wants to go. Of course he said yes because he's never been to a theatre (he's a little behind on these things). Then when April volunteered to get the tickets and as I told her to get an extra ticket, I felt horrible. And what's worse, I was like, "Is it ok?". Like she's going to say, "No, it's not!"

She asked if it was ok to invite other people which just showed me that she wasn't ok going with the two of us. Not like we act couply in front of her but I think just us being happy together is enough. It would've been for me if it was the other way around.

It's weird, now that I'm not working, I have a constant flow of thoughts that I want to blog. I just can't stop typing. Someone stooooopppppp meeeee........

Bit of Hope

Got a call from one of my agents today asking me if I wanted to apply for a 3 months contract as a Public Relations Assistant in an educational organisation, doing 80% admin and 20% design, with a great hourly rate. Of course I said yes. The location is a very dodgy area which I'm a little (well, more than little) worried about. You always hear of attacks happening there. Hopefully I won't have to finish too late or start too early. It's only about 20 minutes ride by car but over an hour by train. Hopefully I can use the car.

Anyway, I'll have to go to an interview first, if they like my resume. Right now, though, any sort of contact with the corporate world makes me feel better than the last few weeks when I felt like I wasn't reaching anyone.

Also, David's boss at his voluntary work said he sometimes needs freelance graphic designers so of course David told him about me. The guy said to email him my resume and portfolio, which I did. He hasn't replied. Oh well, at least I have a couple of leads (even if they are tiny). Something to think about.

David came over last night. I could tell he missed me which made he really happy because I really missed him.

Also, I was in a good mood yesterday so I decided to smooth things over with my brother. It worked. Until he did something totally selfish and inconsiderate which made me think my effort wasn't worth it. I wonder what it would take for him to get any sort of empathy.

Cravings for Blogs

Since most of the blogs I used to love have stropped updating, I went on a search for new ones. Not an easy task, considering my low attention span. I get easily bored by long paragraphs, unnecessary frilly words, plain content, constant links to other posts from other blogs, unreadable text, lack of personality etc. And I like to be able to either relate to the blogger in some way or find their life interesting. I'm picky, you don't have to tell me.

Anyway, I managed to find some that held my interest for more than a few posts. One is a single teacher from LA (you can guess why I found that interesting) and another one is a Jewish woman from Switzerland moving to Hungary. So now I'm quite satisfied.

A Little Luck

Finally, some luck for me! Not much, but enough to get me a little excited. I applied to a graphic design position that's located about a 10 minute drive from my house. Amazing, I know, considering that never happens. Obviously it's a small boring company but I don't care. I'm planning on changing to teaching anyway, (unless the design thing takes off, which I doubt). It's also part-time so maybe I could even do it while I study next year.

Anyway, I found the company's website and their phone number. I actually got through to a person and as soon as I said my name she said, "Oh, you're the local girl! I have your CV at the top of the pile". Now that's luck! Finally being at the right place (talking to her) at the right time (while she was looking at my CV). She said she'll note my interest and will let me know about interviews next week.

Ok, so I know it's not like I have it already, or even an interview, but it's better than all the others. At least there's a tinsy bit of hope here. Which is definitely an improvement.

I've also got all my documents ready to send to the Education Department so they can give me permission to study the Masters program. Not 100% confident they will because I'm not sure if my subjects will fit into at least 3 categories but I soooooo hope they do!

I'm making tiny steps, but at least they're all going forward.

Unexpected

Remember the first movie I helped out on?! It won the Audience Choice Award! I can't believe it!

Ironic

An old man aged 98
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's the black fly in your Chardonnay
It's the death row pardon 2 minutes too late
Isn't it ironic
Don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would have thought
It figures

Mr Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly
Packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take this flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice'
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's ok
And everything's going alright
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think
A little too ironic
And yeah I really do think

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

- Alanis Morrissette (Ironic)

Last night just as Desperate Housewives got to its dramatic point right at the end of the episode, David called. (I had a feeling he would so I taped the show, just in case, but still it's not the same as being 'in the moment'.)

I was a bit surprised he called at that time because he was still at work. He said, "I'm just in this corridor overlooking the city and it's so beautiful, I thought, I want, I have to talk to Sky". So mushy but sweet! It reminded me of that Forrest Gump scene when Forrest tells Jenny how the sky was so beautiful, he couldn't tell where earth ended and heaven began. Jenny replied, "I wish I was there," and Forrest said, "You were..."

I applied to this large publishing company today and thought I'd find the direct number to call them and show my interest in the position. So after I got through to the HR department, there was only the voicemail. I left a message but I have a feeling they won't call back. I'll try again later but I don't want to keep going through the receptionist only to reach an automatic reply. It's so frustrating. Wish I could have just a little bit of luck and talk to a real person. Maybe I can convince them to give me an interview, at least.

I also decided to tell the agents I would be happy with full-time temp work. I need to get some income.

I was also thinking that if I start the teaching course, I will have no time to have kids before 26/27. So much for wanting to start a family at 22. Not like I could have them during study or straight afterwards because I'd need to work to get experience. I should've done the teaching course straight away. Although I know if I did, I'd probably always wonder if I could have a design career. Plus, I wanted to use my high uni entrance mark because of how much effort I put into studying for the exams. I didn't want to do a course, almost 20 marks below what I got.

It's so easy to look back and know what I should've done differently. Too bad these sorts of realisations only come with hindsight.

(This is a little embarrassing but another reason for me not wanting to do teaching was because I thought I'd never meet any guys. How ironic now.)

As I'm realising life is very ironic for me. Makes it seem like there is some higher power playing a game to amuse itself. (Of course, I know it's really just psychological.)

Kid at Heart

Today was so... dull.

I had to take my grandma to a doctor for a check up. He said her tumour completely cleared up after the radiation and is unlikely to come back. Well, that's good news. Then I had to wait for her to do the shopping which took about an hour. She dragged me through the huge shopping centre to buy a few items. I guess I wouldn't mind so much to spend time with my grandma if it wasn't for a headache which I had since this morning.

Got home to check for jobs. There was absolutely nothing to apply for. I've been reading up stuff on being a teacher to see if it's really something I want to do and the more I read the more I want to do it. It's not going to be easy though. The graduate recruitment process will take hard work but hey, at least they have a graduate program. I've read the application form and I will have to write a lot about examples of my organisation, leadership and communication skills and experience. The good thing is that I'll be able to put a lot of stuff for my extra-curricular activities, skills and hobbies (i.e. piano, dancing, movie-making, art, computer skills, second language, tutoring).

If I get into the graduate masters program, I think I'll start taking up more tutoring jobs again to use that as experience. The agent will be pleased. She called for my brother last week but I picked up. She asked if I was working full-time now and I told her I was because I didn't want to get any students. Now that was a boss I liked. It actually felt like she tried to be nice to me so I'd take more students. Maybe I can get her to give me a reference if I end up going for teaching jobs. Also, if I start studying again, I know what I'll do differently. I will try to form relationships with my lecturers/tutors so they would remember me and give me a good reference. In my undergrad degree I tried to be invisible and now don't have one single referee from an educational institution.

I also used to not care too much about getting high marks. I just wanted to pass because I knew graphic designers don't look at your marks when you apply for jobs. Not anymore. I'm going to do extra research, I will participate, I will ask questions, I will be involved. Maybe I could even do some volunteer tutoring at uni to show I'm committed to the profession.

I think it would be good for me to have another goal because my failure in finding any design work is really getting me down. It's sucking out any positivity out of me.

I was reading some message boards by teachers and they all say that even though the work is draining and has a lot of negatives, they all love it because they know they are making a difference.

I rememember when I was a leader at a winter camp for kids, in year 10, I felt completely exhausted at the end of each day. I just didn't want to move, that's how physically tired I was. Of course that was because I was taking kids on excursions and not sitting down for the whole day and barely having time to eat. And yet, I remember loving it. It was a total love/hate thing. Little moments like all the kids wanting to hold your hand rather than pair up with each other and interrupting each other to tell you something really meant a lot.

Hopefully teaching in a classroom would not take away as much energy. And I guess the holidays would give me some time to take a breath.

I know I'll have to become stronger emotionally though because there will no doubt be difficult kids, angry parents and unsupportive administration/coworkers. I'll have to learn not to take things personally.

As you can see, I've been giving this a lot of thought. The idea of not having to work in the corporate world anymore sounds very appealing. I don't think the office life is for me. Not to have to sit in front of the computer all day, not having to wear unconfortable work clothes, not concentrating on making sales sounds so refreshing.

Imagining having a classroom I can decorate any way I want, reading kids books, playing games, being involved with families, being around kids all day. That would so fulfill my inner-child.

Fingers crossed my application to study the accelerated graduate program will be approved. Maybe while I'm concentrating on becoming a teacher, I will find a job in design. Who knows. For now, I have nothing to lose.

Off The Path

When I was single, I'd see happy couples everywhere.

Now I see young successful people getting ahead in their chosen careers.

It's depressing.

I think my problem (and I have plenty) is that I get bored too easily. I can get really excited about a certain task but then this enthusiasm quickly dies down. It's not good because even a career in Media is not 100% exciting. That's why it's good to have an underlying passion for a certain field because even in the dreary parts of the job, you can still feel the motivation for the overall process.

I don't have an underlying passion for teaching or design. There lies the major problem. The job I want is one in a million. How can an ordinary person like myself get it? It's against all odds (and knowing my bad luck in pretty much everything, the odds could decrease to negative numbers).

I guess Design and Teaching are the only professions I can think of that will give me sparks of excitement occasionally. Well, not design really but that can be fun at times.

I was so happy when I finished my degree because I was still only 20 and I thought I could get a head start in my career. How wrong I was. If I end up doing the Teaching degree, I'd only start that career (if I get a job pretty much straight away) at 25.

I hope something can happen this year to put me back on a career path. I dread to be in the same position this time next year.

Chocolate Cake

I made David a chocolate cake today. It was the best way I could think of doing something nice for him. I told him I wanted to spoil him (since he always spoils me) and he said making a cake was a great way to do so.

He had to pick up his sister after work tonight (since his parents left for the weekend) which meant he couldn't hang out at my house after work. So he drove to my house to pick me up, then drove back to his house to pick up his sister and then drove me home. So much trouble. I told him how much I appreciated him driving so much just so we could meet up and he said, "Well, I couldn't not have the chocolate cake!"

I won't see him till Wednesday now. I'll have to get used to not seeing him as often as during the summer holidays.

I was thinking today again about doing a Teaching degree and I changed my mind because all I want to do is work in media. The only way for me to do that is to move to America. That will never happen because David would never move there. I couldn't stop thinking how I would never be happy unless I'm working in film/TV/theatre/radio. That got me upset because the chances of me working in those areas are pretty much next to none.

Talked with David and he once again encouraged me to go for a Teaching degree. He thinks it would really suit me and I would be great at it. That made me reconsider it again. I mean, I would have plenty of time in the holidays to join a theatre group or do other things like dancing or helping out on a film shoot. He said I could always try to get a design job in the meantime and if I can't, I could go for a teaching one. Thinking about it now, I can see myself enjoying spending time with seven-year-olds in a classroom.

I get so influenced by David. His support and encouragement in everything makes me think I can do great in anything. Although I remember he didn't really encourage my movie career. He said I should give it a go but not waste too much time if it doesn't work out.

When I was at his house tonight, we danced in his room to retro songs on the radio, discussed politics (in an almost non-argumentative manner), talked about TV shows and other things. He said it's always fun to hang out together. I couldn't agree more. I wish we could do it more often.

As you can tell from my insignificant blabber about David, I miss him terribly already.

Glamour and Spice, and All Things Nice

Told David about my new career idea and he said, "If you were my teacher, I'd fall in love with you". I guess he's a bit biased since he fell in love with me anyway. (Yes, I have a smug grin on my face as I write this.)

I was thinking how I'm happy to be in a job which gives me an illusion of glamour. For example, I enjoyed my magazine design job that extra bit more because I felt 'cool' to have it. Same goes for the Marketing Coordinator role. I wasn't doing anything specifically glamourous there for sure but the illusion made me happier. I think it all goes back to me viewing my life as a movie. Which all goes back to me wanting to work in movies/television. It's a recurring problem.

Teaching will never give me any illusion of coolness. But maybe the 'making a difference to a child's life' would be rewarding and make me happy. I checked the teaching website and it said that there are about 1000 graduate jobs (every year) for 3500 graduates. That got me worried until I realised that's only 3 people per job, unlike a hundred for every graphic one that I go to. Ok, so that 100 doesn't just include graduates but overall it's about the same thing since the 1000 jobs are only for graduates, whereas these are for everyone. I also realise that some of these teaching jobs are probably not in the best locations. But even so, let's say there are 10 people for the jobs that I could go for, that's still so much better!

I'm going to send my application to the department of education to see if I'd be able to do the accelerated course which is only 2 years and will equal to a 5 year degree in education/teaching. Too bad they don't start in second semester, so I'll have to wait till next year anyway. I guess that's good in a way because it'll give me another year to try to get a design job.

I went to another agent today and it made me feel more productive than sitting at home sending off resumes into the vast unknown.

Here is a puzzle. Think of what career I should have if I want the following:
- creaivity
- work with people but not all the time
- feel like I'm making a difference
- a sense of glamour
- some excitement
- casual atmosphere
- intellectually stimulating

Anyone?

It's so pathetic, I'm almost 22 and I'm still not sure which career path to take.

Furious

So mad at my brother! Don't care if I ever speak to him. Before it would've upset me but I really can't care less anymore. He's become selfish, manipulative, greedy and plain mean - everything he never was. My kid brother is gone forever and now I just have this annoying adult who only cares about himself.

A Different Career

I was thinking about my career choice, once again. (Long-term unemployment does that to you.) Today something occurred to me. Up until about year 11, I've always wanted to be a teacher. And look, it's creative, it has nice hours, definitely rewarding. And and and I can direct my own plays and shows! (So what if the actors are kids.)

I even checked the course at uni. The subjects actually excited me (unlike marketing and law). Plus, I know I can be good at it since I've already had experience with kids when I tutored.

Again, it's such a big step to change careers. I wish I would just decide what I wanted to do and stick with it. Ok, so I know what I want to do. I want to work in TV/film. But I guess I can cross that off my list. I kinda always thought that if I do design, I'd be able to get into the media industry. Funny, I can't even get into design.

I talked to my parents and they actually think it's a great idea. They said I could start applying to the course and if I get a full-time design job, I can stop or quit the course. Yes, it's money gone but it could be the back-up I need.

I checked the teaching website and there's a direct program to getting a job. It's not as ambiguous as design. You study, you shadow a teacher, you get a job.

The agent I talked to today told me that they mostly just get jobs for people with 3-4 years experience. How the hell am I supposed to get that if I can't get a job? Argh...

Seriously considering becoming a teacher.

If Nothing Works, Get Distracted

Feeling a tinsy bit better after yesterday. I organised two interviews with two agents. One is from an agency which deals with finding work for designers (first that I've heard of, other than the one which only considers very experienced people). The other is a local one which might help me get some temp work. Will try to be positive. Maybe this could be the rope that pulls me out of my unemployment cell.

I've seriously considered changing professions but I'm too optimistic for my own good. I still have hope that I can find a job in my preferred field and don't have to resort to doing something I hate. I realise most jobs are in finance (accounting, business, sales etc) but I just don't have the drive for my main goal at work to be how to increase profits. Looking at numbers all day doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

David called after work last night. Just as I was about to get upset after telling him that I had no luck on the job front, out of nowhere he said, "What's another word for big, seven letters?" That was so unexpected, my thoughts totally shifted.

After we hung up, I started laughing and crying. At the same time. I was so sad and for some reason, him asking for my assistance in a crossword puzzle seemed like being tickled at a funeral. You're not supposed to laugh but you can't help it. I was a seriously pathetic case last night. Him distracting me (even though it probably wasn't intentional) was the perfect medicine. It just made me love him even more.

Today he emailed during his break at uni with a very thoughtful suggestion. Next time I start to doubt how much he likes me, I should remember how he's always thinking of me and what I want. The happier he makes me, the happier I want to make him. I hope we can stick to this cycle that makes both of us happy.

It's nice to make yourself happy but it's even nicer when someone else does.

Life of a Blog

I wonder what the average life-span of a blog is.

All blogs that have started before mine seem to have stopped updating. Finding newly-made blogs is all fine but it's not the same as following someone's life for several years.

I'm in a more positive mood about not having a job today. I have no reason to be but evenings are always easier because everyone's home from work then.

Met up with David early in the morning and kept him company in doing some car chores (e.g. rego etc.) David said it was a beautiful day which only made me feel guiltier that I wasn't at work. Seeing retired people, mothers of babies and other unemployed didn't help.

Really miss being at school. And uni. Just being around people my age every day and doing things.

Anyway, must focus on not slipping back into the unemployment guilt/sadness.

Help Yourself

My Mum gave me some self-help book her hairdresser lent her. She said it might give me some confidence for interviews and stuff. It's the worst rubbish I've read. They say that in order to get what you want, you have to live as if you already have it. Now may I ask, how on earth am I supposed to live like I have a job if I don't?!

Logical Love

Also, I read somewhere that if a person marries you because of logical reasons (like you fit his/her criteria), then he/she will be able to find the same logical reasons to leave you. However, if that person marries you because of some unexplainable feelings (like being blindly in love), those feelings will keep you together. My problem with this is, what if they disappear? How can you rely on something unexplainable? This whole reasoning is very confusing.

Is this another "heart vs head" thing? In my case, I realised, my heart is capable of influencing my head (e.g. "He's so wonderful, so what if he doesn't fit some of my criteria) and my head always affects my heart (e.g. "It's so rare to find someone who would care for you so much, you should totally be in love with him). So they constantly come to agreement. Therefore I shouldn't listen to either. But what would that leave me with? Maybe if I was male, I could think with the brain in my pants (don't take any stereotyping personally) but since I'm not, I might abandon my decision-making process altogether and just go with the flow. Seems like I have no other choice anyway.

The David Drug

I won't see David till Saturday but I'm pretty ok with it for now. I've had a really good dose of him today. Did I mention we got a haircut within days of each other? Fate, I know.

I think I want to marry him.

Want a job first, though.

I wonder if once I have everything I want, if life would get boring or if I'd find new things to want.

For today, I just want to watch Desperate Housewives. Aim small - my new motto.

Like Creepy Crawlies

I wish there was a website that had all the medical information in one place. Every case, every experiment, every finding. With an easy search engine.

My urticaria has been driving me insane today. Imagine ants/flies crawling on your legs and arms, and every time you try to brush them away, they multiply.

Apparently it's because I have too much cobalt in my system. How it got there nobody knows. What I'm more interested in is how to get it out. I've been following my naturopath's advice but it hasn't really improved. She said to give it 6 months which are not up yet. I worry that nothing will change.

After vigorous internet research, I still haven't managed to find anything useful. I wish there was some study going on about this condition. I know the specialist I went to ages ago had some conference about it years ago. Maybe I should call him and let him know that my naturopath found a very likely cause. Funny, an experienced doctor couldn't do anything other than try to relieve my symptoms while a young health practitioner managed to find the invisible cause of my problem.

Medicine has so much further to go in its development. My Dad told me that there are only several mathematical problems which haven't been solved. While in medicine... well, too many to count.

The New Curse

Sophia found a new job. I'm not a competitive person by nature but it makes me feel horrible that everyone who did my course at uni is getting ahead while I'm stuck in my unemployment hole.

I decided to take several people's advice and send some cold letters to perspective employers. Today when I perfected my letter, one suitable company's email kept rejecting my email. It's frustrating enough to find companies to apply to but to have their email addresses not working really pushes me to my limit.

Maybe this is my new curse, after my dancing one two years ago. I'd like to denounce all responsibility for not finding work. Right now it seems like it's beyond all my control. I'd like to pretend that fate is directing my life into some wonderful path and my inability to find work will lead me into something I would be very happy with.

Yeah, right.

I wonder if anything lasts forever... Surely my unemployment can't last a lifetime.

Please please please!

My Rescuer from Self-Pity

Sometimes you need someone to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It helps so much more than any sympathy can ever help.

Example:

When I tell my Mum how bad I feel about not being able to find work, she looks sad and says, "I really don't know what to do. It's horrible. Just don't know what to do". That only depresses me more because she's just reinstating the helplessness of the situation.

When I was telling David today about feeling bad about not finding work, he said, "I don't like to listen to you whinging like that. And before you say anything, I know you just want to tell me how you feel which is fine but I already know that you feel stuck. Sometimes it's not your fault that you can't find work. Just keep trying. There are so many bigger problems than yours. People who really struggle. You have the choice to find a good job. Some people don't. Just be patient. You have no reason to be depressed about this."

Now, that actually made me feel better. He's right. I'm making this into a bigger problem than necessary. Kinda funny, I just realised that I told him the exact same thing when he was feeling bad about being behind with uni education and that he should already be working, rather than changing career paths. He's using my own advice and throwing it back at me. I've reached into his subconsciousness. Cool!

He said he'll call after work. It's so weird that even in the last few days he's been working all day, we've managed to talk twice a day. I don't know why I was thinking that he's getting sick of me if he's calling me in his every spare moment.

Random thought: David and I move to America together for 18 months where we both get great jobs.

Lately I've been wishing too much for David and I to live together. And even the rebellious thought of finding another guy disappears in an instant because I so don't want any other guy anymore. I thought I'd never know if I'd want to be with David forever, but now it's all I want.

Moving Overseas

I found an ad for job placements in the States. It's a program where they find you a job in your field and you go to work there for 18 months. For someone to find me a job and guarantee me a year and half worth of experience was just too appealing. Until I realised... I cannot leave David for that long. This is even not counting what a drastic change I would have to make to move by myself to another country with all the risks that brings.

David called me during his break at work and I told him about it. He said, "It's up to you". I wanted him to say, "What about us?!" but he said, "I'll support you no matter what". I told him he's allowed to be more selfish. He said I should do what I want and not be influenced by other people. I asked him if he would go, if he was in my position. He said he wouldn't but that was just him. I reminded him how he wanted to go to UK to work and asked if he would go. He said only if he could take me with him. I said, "I thought you shouldn't be influenced by other people".

I told him even though having a job was very appealing, I just wouldn't be able to do it.

If I was single, I'd give it more thought, for sure. But since I'm not, it's just not something that's possible. I'd only go if he would come but I know he can't.

Wanting the Rare

Last night I went to Christine's 'birthday drinks'. The whole night had Christine's every typical touch stamped all over it. From not organising the time, the location, the people to her usual oblivion of how things should be done. However, being such wonderful friends, we all turned up.

Of course April and I were the first ones there. As we were waiting, I felt someone behind me tug at my handbag. I thought it was either Amelia or Claudia letting me know their arrival. When I turned around I saw some poor and unkept looking woman who suddenly closed her eyes, put her bag in front of her face and quickly walked past us, giving me quick glances from behind her bag. I thought, "What a creepy weirdo," until April realised that she must've wanted to snatch something from my bag. She was obviously an idiot because the bag was so close to me, I could feel its every movement and there was no way she could've reached for the zipper without putting her arm under mine. Still, the experience creeped me out a little.

When the others arrived, I retold them the story and for the next hour, Amelia kept pulling on everyone's bags as a joke. When I decided it was some time for revenge, I gently pulled on her bag and she totally freaked out! It was so funny! I didn't expect her to think it was really someone trying to snatch her bag. She tugged on my ponitail. I said, "That really wasn't necessary," and she replied, "What do you expect a girl to do if you pull her bag?!"

After over an hour, we went into a little cosy piano bar which really gave an atmosphere of something sophisticated. There weren't many people there so it felt very intimate with our group taking up the most room. Like the other few people (middle-aged/elderly men and a couple of tourists) were only part of the interior.

I wished David was there, especially seeing Claudia and Mike so cosy together. April was in one of her occasional not so friendly moods. She was so harsh and displeased with everything. Couldn't talk to her properly. Had a nice conversation with Christine though, about her learning POBian. She was pretty good considering she taught herself from a website.

I told everyone I was planning on having my birthday in a POBian restaurant. I've been wanting to go for so long and it never happened. First, David and I were going to go alone but it's more fun in a group. Amelia was excited to go once I told her about all the cheesy cover songs they'll probably be playing.

I'm going to be 22 soon! I've had this blog for over 3 years now! That's so hard to believe sometimes. Three years of my life recorded here!

David called me at 11pm last night, after he finished work. He said it's only this week that he'll be working both morning and night shifts so he could get the money for his textbooks. I guess he organised himself pretty well with his uni timetable. He'll have time for paid work, volunteer work, studying and even some free time. It's going to be busy but manageable.

I will have to slot into Tuesday nights and Saturdays. I'm pretty happy with that. He added, "Plus any time we feel like seeing each other". Amazingly enough, that would be possible too, if he doesn't have a lot of uni work.

I really need to get my life in order. (And by that I mean get a proper job.) I've been almost on the edge of depression a few times this week because of helplessness in being able to find anything. If I can't do anything about it, there's no point getting depressed. Something has to come up, surely. No point wrecking my mental health in the meantime.

Claudia isn't happy with her new job. She's been made to fax for hours, buy lunch and do data entry. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with the role, especially since you sign yourself off to it for 12 months. At least she gets to see Mike every lunch time.

April wasn't very empathetic about my trouble in finding a job. She just kept saying how happy she was to be doing law because there was an easy process in getting a good job. That would be like me saying, "I'm just so happy I have a boyfriend and don't have to go through your pain of being single". Not nice.

I've actually given doing law a thought since it was one of my career choices other than design. But it's not going to happen. After being creative for so long, I wouldn't be able to write essays and study the details of the law system. I guess it seems like a glamourous profession but in reality it's too dry for me.

I want to do something I can be really successful in, but at the moment there doesn't seem to be anything. Designing the magazines was the only thing I felt really appreciated for. But in the long run, those magazines don't make much difference in the world. Life would be just the same without them.

I probably have too high expectations for a career. Why can't I just settle for some boring admin work and be done with it?

I need to stop craving excitement and adventure in every day life because it very rarely achieves that standard. I'm always left disappointed.

The Benefits of Unemployment

If every day of my unemployment went like today I would:

1. learn to speak Spanish
2. read a lot of books
3. remember how to play piano properly

6 Wishes

What I really want right now:

1. chocolate
2. soft fresh bread
3. to be skinnier
4. for David to appear on my doorstep
5. to not feel sad/empty for no good reason
6. a big long warm hug (from David)

Swing of Balance

Sometimes I wonder if how I feel is due to external influences or because of my own weird chemical reactions in my brain.

Not feeling the best today. Is it because I don't have a job? It is because April didn't want to hang out much? Is it because I thought I'd be seeing David today but will not be? Is it because of hormones? (Never usually happened before.)

I was wondering for a while when the 'beginning' of our relationship will end and since yesterday I felt like it had. I remember before, David would want to spend every moment with me and even though I thought it was a bit too much at first, I got so used to it, I started to love it.

I don't know why I feel like he doesn't anymore. Is it just in my head or are there subconscious hints I can't clearly see?

It's probably just me because only a few days ago I was feeling on top of the world. Don't know where my mood swings are coming from. Did I always have them?

A Kiss or a Hug?

Answer here.

The Never-ending Search

Job searching is so daunting for me.

I wonder if I can go through life only doing temp jobs. If I knew for certain that there would always be a new temp job in my field, I would actually enjoy the variety.

Spoke to Nadine on Monday. She found a job collecting blood. (She's studying to be a nurse, now.) She said she enjoys being a vampire. I'm not surprised.