The Next Dance

The long weekend is almost over and even though I'm getting the "end of long-weekend blues", I know there'll be plenty more in the future.

David and I visited Christine and Evan in their new home. Gosh, that felt weird. The first person in my group of close friends to move out and start independent adult life.

The place was small but Christine used her creativity to splash her taste and style to every room. She made it cosy. (David thought it was too cramped.)

When we got there (with April), Evan was in the kitchen making dinner, while looking at a huge colourful recipe book. David said, "So you're the chef today?" and Christine quickly said that she did the first part (i.e. the chopping and getting everything ready). Evan just had to put it all in the oven. David later commented that they had great team-work going. Quite surprising since April and I expected Christine to be bossing Evan around.

Claudia came a bit later (without Mike). We had a great chat-fest while David talked to Evan about finance since Evan is in the same industry that David is studying to be in. Who would've thought that my boyfriend would get along with the guy who none of us liked when we were 17 year old? It makes me embarrassed just remembering how April, Amelia, Claudia and I bitched how annoying it was that he always came on all our outings. It was hard for me to understand that Christine might always want him to come with her. I guess we just all grew up.

Dinner was wonderfully delicious! They really put effort into it. We were served spicy pumkin and sweet potato curry soup, tender lamb roast with cous cous stuffing, baked potatoes, peas and roast eggplant on the side and fruit in jelly for dessert. We were all very impressed.

When the girls and I were sitting on the couch talking, while David was keeping Evan company in the kitchen, I was filled with anxiety and panic. I freaked out. I don't know why. Maybe I was overwhelmed that I was seeing something that I so badly wanted to have (in my head) and maybe the reality was different. Maybe I convinced myself that's what I wanted when deep down I really didn't.

I imagined David and I living in that place by ourselves. It could've been the apartment that gave that sense of isolation from everything, like we'd be marooned in our own little island box, floating in between other boxes. The only thing that calmed me down was knowing that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I'd have David. I can't really feel panic if I know he'd be with me.

Maybe it's like any big change. It's a bit of a shock at the beginning but once it becomes part of your daily routine, you just accept it and it becomes the new norm. Just another chapter in life.

Speaking of new things, when I took my jacket off, David inquired if I was wearing a new top. I told him I wasn't and that he's seen it before. Then he commented that it looked really nice. I told him that's exactly what he said last time. That tiny incident makes me hope that no matter how often he sees me, he will always feel as nice as the first time.

When we left, the three of us (including April) talked about the night. David didn't think the whole (moving out) thing was such a big deal. April and I, on the other hand, were a little reflective.

After April got off the train, David said that he didn't want to live in a place that cramped. Then we talked about uhm... the future. I knew where he was coming from in regards to him wanting to find a permanent job before we take any serious steps but in my head I knew that it'd be possible for us to manage with just me working and still get the dream I always wanted (well, as close to it as possible). We were arguing over a few months difference in when we'd take that step. Well, to him it was 'just a few months' but to me it was already a year too long.

Then after a lot of discussion, he said that even though in his head he thought it'd be better to wait, he 'felt' that my way was the right way and that it would work out. I'm not the one to trust in feelings but I guess he balances that out. I'm the head, he's the heart.

I know it will be difficult at the beginning, but I reckon it's always difficult at the beginning, no matter how much money you have. I believe it's all about the attitude. If we both look at it positively, we would find a way to make it work. I told him that and he agreed.

I went to sleep very happy.

The next day, my parents left to a different city for a day with their friends so we had the whole house to ourselves. (My brother left on a trip with his friends.) We made the most of it.

He brought his books so he studied for a few hours while I cleaned and did the laundry. Then we had lunch and watched TV. After a while, he all of a sudden said, "Wanna do something crazy?" Of course I said yes. He got up and said, "Let's go dancing". I put on my shoes and we went to the city where the Latin festival was still on. So ok, it's not that crazy but it was spontaneous since he earlier said he didn't feel like going there that night.

I think when I have kids, that's what I'd miss the most. The ability to just drop everything and go where we want to.

We had SUCH a great time! We must've danced for almost 2 hours straight. We saw my brother and his guy friends later. He and his friends provided great entertainment with their pick-up ritual. David and I found the whole thing really amusing.

The guys scanned the surroundings and a group of girls nearby caught their attention.
The group of girls noticed the guys and glanced periodically in their direction.
The guys moved (subtly) over to the girls.
The girls danced (subtly) towards the guys.
The guys pushed my brother to talk to them.
Andy went for the prettiest of the bunch (exactly the way I told David he would).
Andy started dancing with the prettiest girl, chatting to her.
The other guys took the leftovers.

In a matter of minutes, one of his friends had his arm around one of the girls and wouldn't let her go for the rest of the night. I didn't see them talk even once.

Once the other guys joined in, my brother lost confidence and got quiet.

David and I lost interest after a while and just enjoyed dancing together. I had this film-like moment when we were spinning and everything was blurry except his smiling face. That was so metaphoric. (Everything's a blur to me except him, most of the time.)

Had a much better time than on Friday. The music was more enjoyable and we didn't have to worry about other people having a good time.

I was really physically tired. Wish I could dance like that every day. The most fun workout, ever! David and I are planning on taking Latin dance classes in summer. Can't wait.

When we got back to my house, he had to go. We ended up talking on the phone way past midnight after he got to his house. Obviously I miss him already.

Different Sides of Happiness

Happiness is the best revenge. Heard peope say that many times but yesterday I got to experience it and let me tell you, revenge never tasted so sweet.

I also met Blog Guy (who I guess now can call Praket), a bit of a disappointment but it satisfied my curiosity.

So... April invited me (and David and the gang) to meet up with Praket and his friends. Of course I was there. Actually ended up talking to him alone while April talked with Mike and Claudia, and David just walked quietly next to me. I was wondering why April didn't join us but I thought I might as well get to know him while I had the chance.

Man, he talked non-stop (about Arts and culture). To be honest, I was getting bored, even though I didn't mind either subject.

We were supposed to go and see a free broadcast of a symphony ('cause Praket loves classical music and it was his idea to go) but because he came so late, they venue was full and they didn't let any more people in. (His friends managed to get through.)

I suggested to go to the Latin festival close by so we all walked there.

When we got there, we sat on the boardwalk and shared the snacks that we all (except Praket) brought. It was a nice little group to chat in. April was a bit quiet around him. We found out he went out with a girl from our school. Gosh, that would be weird if April and he decide to go out in the future.

Afterwards, I was ready to dance so everyone else followed us onto the dancefloor. I was trying to make things easier for April 'cause I asked Praket specifically if he wanted to dance and he said yes so it would've been a great opportunity for him and April to dance together. But no, April decided she didn't want to dance but wanted to go and sit somewhere. So they started walking away when I decided I could give her my bag to mind so it would be easier for me to dance. I ran after her (which prompted Claudia and Mike to follow me).

Then all of a sudden I saw Claudia saying hello to some group. I turned to see and it was Amy, Allison, Jacqui and Mary (i.e. The Group members)! They were all really dressed up. David thought they looked like they were trying to pick up. I heard Mary say to Amy, "They all look so young" like it was a bad thing. I guess we were just more casually dressed. They also checked out the guys we were with. The interested looks on their faces were priceless. I guess it would've been more expected that they would be the ones with the guys, not us. They were the pretty popular ones that everyone liked.

I remembered all the times that I felt like I didn't fit with that group, like I wasn't outgoing and social enough. The feelings of isolation and not being completely accepted for myself. I couldn't be silly without them looking at me like I was a weirdo. I had to watch what I said so they wouldn't take it the wrong way. I couldn't joke without receiving their blank looks. No wonder they always saw me as the 'quiet girl'.

That was all gone last night. I was still my old self, only more open because I didn't care if I got their approval. I had my real friends with me and I had the gorgeous boyfriend right behind me. And I felt proud of Claudia and April. The other girls never even gave them a second look in high school but it was Claudia and April who had the guys.

I don't know why but having a partner is seen as a sign of success. It shouldn't be but that's how it is with the girls I know. You have a boyfriend (and a good job) and that means you have it all. If you have your school friends with you, that's seen as an extra bonus.

I think I was looking forward to my school reunion so much because I wanted to see this specific group to show them that I didn't end up a failure. My wish came a little earlier than expected.

April pointed out that they could also have boyfriends and this was just a girls night out. I mean that could've been true but I doubted it. They were really dressed to impress, they were looking around the place, like they were checking it out rather than enjoying themselves together, and dancing really self-consciously.

After our little catch-up chat, especially with Allison ('cause she's the only sweet genuine one out of the bunch), Claudia, Mike, David and I moved towards the stage to watch the band playing. David had his arms around me and would sometimes give me a kiss on the cheek and because I could see The Group looking at us through the crowd (when I turned my head back to see David), I was enjoying it for all the wrong reasons.

I guess my evil side came out.

After the dancing, Mike and Claudia went home. David and I went to where April and Praket were sitting. We chatted to them for a bit. I could really see what April meant when she said they will only ever be friends. And it wouldn't be such a tragedy for April anyway. David wasn't the only one who noticed how self-centred he was. But he was an ok guy to hang out with. I might like him more if he makes April happy. A lot more. He was a bit funny which was in his favour.

When we left Praket to meet his friends and walked onto our train platform, David tapped me on the shoulder to point out that Jacqui, Amy and Mary were also on the platform, calling out my name. April didn't hear them either.

I turned around to say hello when the train came. Strangely enough they didn't follow us into the same carriage. April thought that was a bit snobby but David said they could've thought we were snobby for ignoring them. Well, it wasn't my fault I didn't hear them.

I wonder what we could've all talked about on the train.

On the train, David was asking how I changed groups in high school and how April and I became friends. It was nice to reminisce. Made me appreciate my friends when I remembered The Group. April, Amelia, Claudia and Christine not just accepted me the way I was, they actually liked me for who I was.

After April got off, David and I gossipped about the interesting night. Felt really lucky to have him. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. He was worth the wait. Hope that's how April feels when she meets the right guy.

David left in the morning 'cause he wanted to get some homework done but he's coming back later so we can go to Christine's and Evan's new place. The girl called to tell me to come a bit later so she can go and buy chairs for us to sit on. Oh, the joys of independent living.

Should be fun!

Just noticed David's quote after his nick on Messenger:

"You are the closest thing to heaven, I don't want to miss you tonight!!"

My sentiments exactly. Can't get enough of "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, now.

When You Think of Me

David and I watched the Terri Irwin interview last night and Ray Martin asked her what she thought of when she heard, "Steve Irwin" and she said, "Fun".

I asked David what he thought of when he heard, "Sky Space" and he said, "Beautiful, smart and funny." Well, he added another bit but there's no need to mention that without embarrassing myself.

When I think of David, I just think, "The love of my life". Mushy and sentimental, I know. But without relating it to me, I think "Warm, kind, perfect and never boring".

Still In(sanely) Love

I've started writing this post probably ten times already but feel like I'm heading into the sentimental and mushy territory.

I was going to write what happened last night or just how I feel but that wouldn't articulate what I actually want to say.

Hmm, how can I say that I've just realised that love isn't a hundred different things squashed into one, but just one strong pressure just below your chest. It's physical, not just psychological.

Ok, this is starting to sound really stupid.

Hmm.

Last night was great. Amelia and Claudia both got picked up by some Latino guys. Amelia rejected the guy really rudely, I actually felt a bit sorry for him. Claudia actually danced with a guy. Then he kept coming round and asking her again but she didn't want to. Man, that guy was really persistent. David and I found it really funny 'cause this guy would always run his hand though his hair just before coming up to Claud for like the 10th time. Amelia tried to pretend she and Claudia were a couple (not very successsfully) so the guy would leave her alone but that didn't stop the guy. David said he probably didn't care.

David and I had a great time dancing. Then we caught the night bus to my house. I was so tired I actually fell asleep on his shoulder. We got home about 4:30am. Wished my parents weren't home.

Christine and Evan moved in together. I wish I could live with David now. I have a serious addiction problem. Totally and completely addicted of David.

White. Warm. Safe. Perfect.

David and My Relatives

What a hectic and wonderful weekend it's turning out to be.

David came over last night and we went to the movies and then walked a bit on the beach. Seeing him made me VERY happy! I was so excited to see him that I even dressed up a bit (by that I mean I wore a skirt above my knees). He really appreciated it. He said, "You should dress like this more often so when we go out, people will think, 'Wow, she's hot!' and then they'll see you're all mine".

Girls can understand that when your boyfriend says things like that, your confidence shoots up. Even though obviously it's a bit shallow in a way that the guy sees the girl as someone to show off. In reality, who cares, it feels GREAT!

Anyway, I should stop gloating about something so insignificant to the future of humanity.

Today, we went to a BBQ for my cousin's birthday. He turned two. I had chocolate mud cake, even though I wasn't supposed to but man, it tasted sooooo good! Mmm... David played soccer with my uncles and some of their friends. I talked with all the young mothers. I used to never go to these sorts of things because they were so boring, but now that David gets invited too, I don't mind. I feel like I fit in more.

Jeanne (you might remember her as the sister-in-law of the POBian girl who came here a while ago) said to me, "You look really cheerful!" I wondered if I didn't look happy before David. (She met him for the first time today.)

Now David went to play soccer with my brother, my uncles and some other people. It feels great that he fits into that group.

Tonight we're going dancing with Claudia, Amelia (and her friends) and maybe Christine. Hopefully some of David's friends can come too. Should be fun. Hope he won't be too tired by then.

So hot today but it's a beautiful day.

A Public Phone Conversation

I think giving David my work phone number was not such a good idea.

Every time he calls, he intentionally tries to make me laugh as much as possible. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from laughing? Obviously it's a problem when about 10 other people can hear your every word.

And he loves it! I think he's entertained by my predicament. He also tries to make me say embarrassing things. So I end up just saying "Yep" as professionally as possible over and over again while trying not to giggle.

I'm sure my work colleagues all know that I'm having a personal conversation but that's not really the problem as they speak with their families and friends all the time too. It's the nature of my conversation with David that I don't want other people to know.

I don't want people to know of our flirty/teasing/silly/childish/ridiculous chats. I think they might never treat me as a serious adult if they knew.

I'll give you some examples just so you can understand how immature we can both be:

• Today when I picked up the phone, I heard some hold music. I didn't realise immediately that it was David singing.
• Another time, when I picked up the phone and said my usual 'Promotions Department' bit, he said, "I want to promote a cup of coffee". I replied, "We don't do that. " Then he exclaimed in a typical spoilt 5 year old fashion, "I WANT to promote a cup of COFFEE!!" I stayed silent (as I usually do when I can't think of anything appropriate to say). Then he said, "This is very bad customer service. I want to speak to your manager". And this went on for about 7 minutes.
• His favourite thing is at the end of the conversation to say, "Give me a kiss". I'd say, "Yep" and he'd say, "Come on! I'm waiting." I'd stay silent, trying not to giggle like a school girl. And he'd just keep persisting, knowing very well that I'm not about to kiss him over the phone with 10 other people around me. After he has enough, he stops.

These are just some of the stuff I have to put up with at work.

And the worst is that after I hang up, I can't remove the stupid smile off my face. I just try to hide behind the partitions.

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

I saw a bit of Steve Irwin's memorial. And even though everyone kept emphasising how much he contributed to conservation and what a great ambassador he was for wildlife, all I kept thinking was how horrible it was for his wife and kids (and Dad). Just the thought of losing your partner is just too much. I cannot think of anything more horrible.

I read ages ago that losing your partner is the number one of traumatic experiences.

While I was watching the memorial, I kept getting flashes of losing... I don't even want to say.

Anyway, I need to stop thinking such depressing thoughts. They just upset me too much.

Hate Heat

I am probably in the minority when I say this but I hate summer! The heat, the bright sun, the heavy air. I can go on and on.

Why don't we get spring here? One day it's cold, then we get one mildly warm week and then it's 30 degrees every day.

My head hurts from so much heat. And it's only September!

There'll probably be bush fires this year.

The Screen Dream

I have been having - let's call them 'urges' - since I was a kid. Sometimes they subside and other times they blow up so much that there's nothing else I can think about.

I have depressed this feeling for a while now and today it has come back.

The urge to write a film/TV show/play. (What did you think?)

At work, I manically looked through all the websites on film making, script writing and participating in other people's projects.

I have tons of ideas swimming in my head, none of which I'm happy with. All of which I have no confidence in ever being produced. I guess that inevitable knowledge that it will never come to fruition is what makes me lose my motivation very quickly.

Yet, I still can't help but want to work in film/TV. Looking through different websites reminded me that I'd have to work for free, which lots of these people do, before I even have a chance of working on a professional production.

The problem is that I can't afford to work for free. I don't have time to take off work to shoot short films. I wish I did but I just don't.

I was thinking how I should just write something that I would want to watch. A story I would be interested in. Maybe that would hold my interest to finish a script. And then I can try taking the next steps. Only my unstoppable consequence-thinking brain already knows that if I write something I like, it would be personal and I don't have the guts to show my personal writing to anyone (other than anonymously, of course). Actually that's probably why I stuck with blogging for so long. I write what I like, get to share it with the public and still remain anonymous.

Having April for support in the script writing process was so great because we bounced ideas off each other, provided encouragment and just had fun. Now that she's not interested anymore, there's no one else who can motivate me to keep going.

On the weekend, David actually suggested we buy a camera and make little films together. I was very surprised 'cause I didn't expect him to be into that sort of thing. He even said, "It could be our first purchase together". So I did some research on video cameras and told him the prices. He said it was too expensive for him to get right now. Anyway, he's right. We wouldn't have much time to make movies with him busy juggling studying, volunteering and work.

Maybe I should just write something anyway. Just for the fun of it.

On a bit of a different note, got an email from Amelia today and I swear her life is like a story. She makes the most ordinary things seem exciting. I was actually thinking how if my friends were TV shows, she'd be a quirky soap-opera - dramatic and full of twists and turns. On the other hand, April would be a very long-running show that I'd always like to curl up in front of, even if it's the same thing a lot of the time. David would be an entertaining sitcom that always leaves you wanting more. And as for me... well you decide.

I wonder if everyone has dreams of what they wish they could do. Sing, act, write a novel? For me, the two dreams that I've had since I was about 6 were:
1. Be in movies/TV/theatre (preferably directing/writing)
2. Dance in shows

I blame the first dream on my mother because she took me to the theatre when I was probably only 4 years old and I fell in love with drama ever since. And I blame the second dream on my primary school teacher who got me involved in semi-professional musicals. The music, the nightly rehearsals and the beautiful costumes got to me and never let go.

Do you have dreams that you've had since you were a kid? Did you achieve them?

Must Resist Sleep and 'Important People'

My goal for tonight: don't go to sleep until at least 10pm.

Why the hell do I feel so sleepy? As soon as it gets dark, my eyes take it as a cue to close.

Need to distract myself.

Can't stop thinking of the weekend... Makes me miss David. Had a long horrible nightmare last night. Hasn't happened for ages. I bet if David was with me, it wouldn't have happened.

That's right, I was going to distract myself. I'll tell you something April said to me on Saturday that offended me a bit. She was telling me how she didn't get any interviews to clerkships and I think she thought I was looking down on her or something even though I didn't think it was a big deal. (They're extremely hard to get, especially for lawyers as competition is very tough.)

I told her it might even be for the best (which I truly believe as those big firms have very stressful work environments) and jokingly said, "Maybe you can work at [suburb I work in] and we could have lunch together!" She just gave me this 'look' and said, "Uh... yeah..." in the "I don't think so!" tone, like this suburb was beneath her and that it couldn't possibly have any good law firms.

Then she said how she wanted to volunteer to help low-income earners with their legal problems. I said it was a great idea and it would look great on her resume. And she said, "That's not why I want to do it! I want to help people!" I told her that of course I knew she'd be helping but I was just 'saying' that it would also increase her chance of getting a job. So then she kept repeating how she just wanted to help and she wasn't looking for rewards.

I wanted to say, "If you want to help so much, why don't you just do it?!" David's been doing volunteer work all year and doesn't go on about how he wants to help people, he just does it.

Anyway, it's not the first time she said things like that. I think I even mentioned in this blog how she stresses her point of wanting to help people, yet doesn't do anything about it. And it really bugs me how she looks down on where I work.

So ok, graphic design doesn't make that much of a difference to the world and doesn't directly help people, but let's just take it all out. The world would be pretty boring. Of course everyone needs people in the 'basic' professions - doctors, lawyers, farmers etc. but it's all the other people that make the world fun. Every profession has a purpose, otherwise no one would pay for it. Every efficient employee is making the world run just a little bit smoother.

Well, now that I've distracted myself for a little bit, I'm ready to go. For now.

Real Romance

I read an article about some men who are considered to be very romantic. The article went on to describe some of their elaborate plans to woo the ladies. After I read their stories, it wasn't their romantic gestures that stood out to me but the fact that they were all middle-aged and single, some with several ex-wives.

What's the point of having that 'romance' that might extract a 'WOW! You did all this for me?!" moment when you can't be a good long-term partner and make your 'signficant other' smile during the every day little things.

When I think of people who have been happily married for years, I notice that most of the men are not romantic (in the traditional way) at all!

Take my Dad for instance. He never buys my Mum flowers (unless I remind him to get some for her birthday). He never whisks her away on surprise getaways or showers her with gifts. But he does clean the toilets and make her laugh when she's stressed and is being illogically emotional. He also does the most unnecessary things to keep the compulsive cleaner in her happy or lets her watch a movie even though he wants to watch the news. I can list many more little things that I find a lot healthier for a long-term relationship than a spur of the moment extravagance.

Although David can be traditionally romantic, I think as along as we can keep each other amused and are there to help each other, that's more romance than I could ever want.

Oversleeping

At about 4pm, I felt so tired I decided to have a nap. I only woke up at 10pm. That is just not right. I wonder if it's the new herb my naturopath gave me and forgot to mention the side effects (will go do some online research).

Then when I woke up and was about to return David's phone call, I couldn't remember his phone number!!! How could have that happened? I always remember it. I wonder if something messed with my brain.

I was so tired last night that I had to stay over at David's house, something I don't like doing as it means he has to sleep in his sister's room on the bunk bed and I just feel uncomfortable staying over. When I told David I was driving home, he got really upset and begged me to stay. (I'm kind of glad he did because my eyelids were sticking to my eye balls.) I know I would do the same. I wouldn't want him driving on that dark road that connects our houses if he was tired.

In the morning, I was woken up when he kissed my forehead. Felt like I was Sleeping Beauty or something, being woken up by my prince (only much better looking than any Prince Charming). After that, I just closed my eyes again and slept for another 10 minutes. When I woke up the second time, he was still sitting next to me, holding my hand.

When I actually got up, he didn't want me to go right away so I stayed a bit. We went for an early walk to the bakery. He said that just doing little things like that made him really happy. I wish we could do that all the time.

Well, I better go to sleep again as I don't want to be falling asleep at work. The weird thing is that I'm still tired.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

The age old queston.

I think most people would agree that it's possible. The harder question is if it's possible for men and women to be very close friends.

April has been convincing me that it is because of the Blog Guy. Even though for the whole of last week she's been telling me that he doesn't exist, turned out she spoke to him almost every day.

I told her she didn't need to convince me. Even though I don't have close guy friends (or any guy friends for that matter), I know it's possible to just be friends.

I actually learnt this from David. He told me how it's annoying when people think you like them just because you're very friendly with them. It's especially difficult with introverted people because they analyse every detail of the conversation (like April did with Blog Guy) and a 'look' or a 'word' would mean everything. In reality, the other person doesn't reciprocate any of the feelings that his/her face expressions and body language show.

Makes it very confusing to know what anyone really thinks of you, unless they tell you specifically. I guess that was one of the things that attracted me to David. He was just so straight forward. Although I guess that's easy for me to say because he liked me enough to tell me.

He told me how one girl at a salsa class asked him out and when he said no, she asked him why not because he was always so friendly and joking with her. He said after that he tried to be less friendly. I know that it's just his personality. Even when we meet some girl from his class or work or something, he'd be so warm and nice and just has this ability to make the other person feel really good. No wonder these girls might think they're special.

Wonder why I didn't think he liked me more than a friend. It was pretty obvious to me from the start that he was just a very outgoing person. (Could've been because he chatted me up at a bus stop.)

Funny now, I know his outgoing side is not all of him. He can get shy and insecure too. He does a really good show of not showing that side to people he doesn't know.

Then there's me. Before David, as you might remember, if I liked a guy, I would ignore him but if I didn't, I would become the most talkative and friendly person. (David's the obvious exception.)

So what I'm trying to say is that some people assume too much from things that don't mean anything. A person can be wonderful to you yet not see you as anyone special. And if they're even a bit like me, they might be extra nice because they couldn't care less what you think of them and are therefore not scared to say anything.

Forgotten Pain

I think that getting pregnant for the second time is like deciding to walk in really uncomfortable shoes again.

You just forget how much pain they were in the first place and think that it couldn't have been that bad. That is, until you walk to the shops during lunch time and can barely stand to go back.

The shoes that I'm talking about are the ones I had a crush on. And I still freaking do. I always want to wear them because I just love how they look.

I don't understand how some women wear high heels every day! Is the skin on their feet like metal?

Anyway, back to my flat shoes next week. My lovely ones are going back in the closet. Well, until I forget about the pain again.

God's Advertising Space II

You might recall a church with a very creative marketing department that I mentioned a little while ago. One of their campaigns aimed at the 'young and hip', another at people with no confidence. As you can imagine, I was eagerly anticipating their new one.

And this week I saw it. Although it's not as amusing as the previous two, I thought I'd share it with you anyway:

Help beyond the grave
Jesus
Insurance for the next life

And they even did the word Jesus in the same style as the logo for a big well-known insurance company!

I see they are trying to recruit the practical and the paranoid.

The Cure for Crying

The Cure for Crying

Who knew Australian Idol was educational?

They've answered a question I've always had!

How to stop yourself from crying - tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue.

It actually works! Amazing. Wish I knew this a lot sooner!

What's Young For Marriage?

I was talking to a girl (almost 21) from work, the one who's getting married and she was saying how she's going into marriage very seriously and that she knows that the wedding is not the highest point of marriage, it's just some fun. She also said how her fiance is working part-time and she's going to study next year so they won't have much money but they'll manage.

The other people (all middle-aged) were amazed at how young she was to get married. What some people don't realise is it's not the age, it's whether you're ready or not. Just because you marry young, doesn't mean you are naive and irresponsible and will get divorced.

I would be happy to get married at my age. Funny, I always thought my main obstacle would be not having a groom.

I know David doesn't want to get married until he finishes uni because he has this macho thing that he has to be earning money or else he'd feel inferior or something. Honestly, I would never think that if I was supporting both of us. Not like it would be forever that way. He also has this thing that he doesn't want to rent. He wants to buy property. Although of course that would be great, I don't see how that wouldn't be able to wait. People usually buy property in their 30s. What's the rush?

I asked him what would happen if he wouldn't able to get a job straight after uni. He said it wouldn't matter because he'd get something.

By the time I get married, I'd want to have kids and therefore wouldn't have much time for just the two of us. That was my whole point of marrying by 22.

Well, not much can be done about that anyway.

Maybe 24 could be the new 22?

Forever Young

I don't want to grow up. Simple as that.

I want to act like a teenager - silly, dramatic, quirky. Of course I still can, but it just looks stupid when I don't look like a teenager anymore.

I wish I did.

I watched lonelygirl15 on YouTube (since it was on the news today*) and there was something about the girl that made me want to be back in that place where you feel like your whole world is in front of you and you have all the time in the world. The place where being crazy and emotional and weird is all part of the charm.

Guess I just have to make the most of the current stage of my life.

*A girl's personal video blog became very popular but was then discovered to be fake, created by some film makers and actors.

Grey Mood

I'm feeling so uninspired at the moment. Maybe it's the grey weather, maybe it's... I don't know.

Spoke with April today and even though she still didn't feel like sharing the details of Friday night, she did say that it was nothing to do with him but just the fact that she realises that he's not interested in her more than just a friend and that's just something she'd have to accept.

I was trying to give her suggestions to do different things to meet more people and even though she said she wants to meet new guys, she's not interested in putting herself in different environments. She's convinced she will find someone anyway. Well, it's good for her but I hope it doesn't take her too long.

I feel a little deflated after our conversation because she's frustrated that I can't help her (as in, actually find a guy for her and save her the hard work). That irks me a little because even though I can understand her frustrations, it's not that easy for me to just find a guy she'd like. I wish it was but it just isn't.

I have also realised lately that we're not as similar as I thought we were. For example, I love to go out and do new things whereas she doesn't and just likes to stick to her routine. In a way it can annoy me in that she's not interested in going out with me and doing 'fun' stuff but I guess I shouldn't complain. I have David for that and he's totally the same to me in that way.

I've also noticed that I've started taking on David's views as my own. For example, he said that April is being too desperate and whinges too much. And now instead of seeing someone who's in emotional turmoil, I see someone acting pathetic. Even though I can understand her desperation, although I don't have that pain anymore, I think it would be for her own good to at least pretend to be cool and collected. Gosh, I'm sounding like such a bitch right now. If I wasn't in a relationship, I would hate myself for writing this.

Not having been single for over a year now has made me insensitive to the feelings of single people. What would I have been like had I not met David? I'm sure I would've been a mess and very pathetic. I would've been depressed beyond words.

My head and heart feel so torn. I want April to be happy but I just feel completely helpless. There's nothing I can do. And this inability to change her situation makes me frustrated and upset.

David thinks I'm taking on too much of how she feels which is not my responsibility. And I know it's not but I can't help it.

I don't know if this is a good time to say how wonderful David is to me but I will anyway. Last night it was my turn to go to his house but when I called him to say I'd be a bit late 'cause I wanted to take a nap since I was really tired, he insisted on coming to my house. He said he didn't want anything happening to me on the road.

I felt really guilty so I said we could do anything he wanted to - go to the movies or I could get him his favourite dessert at a nearby cafe. He jokingly said, "Movie or dessert, that's a very hard decision!" so I told him I'd get him both. Then he said, "I don't really want either. I just came to spend time with you". I know I used to call him a sweet-talker but how can I not fall for him when he says things like that?

I ended up buying him a movie ticket which he actually wanted to pay for but I wouldn't let him. We saw John Tucker Must Die (his choice) and he laughed like a little kid. I used to think it was odd that he loved those typical Hollywood movies so much but now I don't care. He can like any movie he wants to. He once told me, "Stupid stuff makes me laugh and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just entertainment. I don't want to be watching a movie where I have to think about its meaning." I guess I don't really care what movies he likes. I know he can enjoy historical or thought-provoking stuff, unless it's abstract so it's no big deal.

Wish I could see him right now. Rainy days always make me pine for him. But then again, so does every other day.

Belly Churning

Went to the dance workshop with Amelia yesterday and was on such a high. The dance instructor was great and I felt like I learnt as much in those two hours as in the last two months of the dance course. At one point the instructor made an analogy to doing something at the gym but then stopped herself and said, "Wait, no one here likes the gym, that's why you do dancing". Seriously hit it right on the spot.

I think I'm really getting into belly dancing. One things I like about it is that even though lots of moves are very hard to do straight away because they require you to use the muscles you've never used before, with practice they look great!

I really feel like I'm improving.

I'm really happy I used to do piano when was little because it taught me that to do anything well, you need patience and lots of practice.

Also had a nice conversation with Amelia. She was saying how she was annoyed that our friends were acting middle aged and didn't want to go out and do fun stuff. I guess she was referring to April and Claudia, and even Christine to an extent. It's true that April and Claudia said they were over the whole clubbing scene. Amelia said, "How can you be over it at 22 when you haven't even really done it much?"

I agreed with her. I understand that clubbing isn't for everyone but it also frustrates me that my closest friends don't feel like going out and having fun (other than movies or dinner). Not that I really worry about it so much now that I have David for it. He said as soon as he finishes his exams, we are going out - anywhere I wanted. I told him I wanted to go dancing and he said he'd love to.

Amelia wants to travel in the summer or next year and I would've loved to come but I don't want to leave David for too long. And anyway, Amelia wants to go and have 'single girl' fun which I can't really do. This would've been good two years ago.

What would be great is taking David along or going with the other couples.

Speaking of couples, April and Blog Guy will never go out. Not exactly sure what happened but April was very upset and didn't want to go too much into it. She said she's going to tell me when she calms down. I'm very disappointed. It's not fair that she's always so unlucky in love. I really feel for her and wish there was something I could do.

I wish I could take her out somewhere where she can have fun but she's the type that's not interested in going anywhere. Maybe I should just take her to the movies or watch DVDs with her.

Now I don't even know if I should call her because maybe she doesn't feel like talking.

I'm trying to remember what I was like when I got rejected but I can't. I'm the type of person who likes friends to distract me but not everyone's like me.

Cry and Look

[POBian song]

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Probably that's how I'll begin when meeting
But now I look from a distance
And tears are not from the wind in my eyes

On asphalt a small house with white chalk
He draws ineptly
On paths of gold avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you, we'd be three

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Again your hand is in my hand
In the park on Saturdays as always
Fortunately we have two hours

In the stream there's a ship so white
Maybe he'll become a courageous captain
For now in a shadow of empty avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look

The Fridays of Our Lives

When you are a baby, Friday night is the same as every other night.

When you are a kid, it's a day you can stay up later than usual because there's no school the next day.

When you are a teenager, it's a day of stress to have 'something to do' or 'somewhere to go out' so you don't seem like a loser.

When you are April, today is the day you go for dinner with Blog Guy.

When you are my brother, today is a day you go out dancing with his girl friend.

When you are me or David, today is the day we laze around, doing absolutely nothing.

Gosh, I feel like David and I are such a retired couple, sitting home on a Friday night, watching TV and drinking tea, maybe going for a walk. Not that I'm complaining.

Very excited for April though! It's almost like watching your younger sister go on a first date. She finally showed initiative with the Blog Guy and it paid off! When I spoke to her last night, she seemed really surprised that her plan to get him to ask her out actually worked so easily. Will be anxiously waiting for the news tomorrow.

Meanwhile, better go and make my room look a little bit more presentable.

The Blue-eyed Baby

When Penelope Cruz said that Katie's and Tom's baby was the most beautiful one she's ever seen, I didn't think much of it. Then today when I was procrastinating at work by reading the news, I saw Suri's (where did they even come up with that name?) picture.

And wow, I have never seen a more beautiful baby.



She looks so much like her mother which is probably why she's already quite gorgeous.

The Wrong Look

I'm sure I imagined it and it probably was accidental but it freaking annoyed me.

This guy from my work, the friendly but not so smart one, looked at my... you know. This sort of thing hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Now I can't just chat normally to him like I used to because I keep thinking he's checking me out. Especially that he was complimenting me the day before.

I know I'm making this into a bigger deal than necessary but why can't guys keep their eyes above your neck? Don't they realise how self-conscious it makes women feel (well, me anyway)?

I was going to tell David, just to vent, but didn't. Don't want him thinking it was bigger than it was. Just told him the guy gave me 'a look' I didn't like. David said, "I'm going to talk to him". He can be pretty protective so wouldn't be too happy if I told him.

I don't even know why I'm going on about this now. Need to forget it. Remove it from my mind. Banish any related thought.

Gone.

Lives of the Famous

I was never one to be obsessed with celebrities but lately I find myself more and more interested in their lives.

When I found out that Britney Spears had a blog, I was as excited as getting ready to a read a good book. Unfortunately I was disappointed as Britney doesn't write too often.

Watching Newlyweds was also very addictive and now I can't help but be interested in what's going on in Jessica and Nick's lives. Today Jessica and John Mayer made the news. Why is people falling in love such a newsworthy event if they are famous? (I'll be interested to see where that goes though.)

When Lindsay Lohan is mentioned, even though I know it's probably something to do with her partying ways again, I can't not read it.

A morning radio show did a segment on celebrities and one host asked the other if he would leave his partner if his favourite celebrity asked him out. I couldn't believe he couldn't answer straight away! He had to think about it! How can you even know you'd like the celebrity if you don't personally know him/her?

Apparently that's how Madonna and Guy Ritchie got together. Guy had a girlfriend at the time and when Madonna showed interest, he told his girlfriend "I love you but it's Madonna!" I was thinking, "SO WHAT?!" (especially Madonna - ew, but that's my irrelevant personal opinion).

I may be interested in celebrities' personal lives but I couldn't care less about meeting them. Although going over to Britney's or Katie's house to hang out could be interesting...

I never understood people's fascination with the lives of the famous, and I still don't. Why do I care so much what happens to them? Is it because they are beautiful? Glamourous? Exciting?

I honestly don't know. All I know is that I will be checking Jessica Simpson's blog next.

The End of the Search?

I just realised that for a long time now, I've been blogging to regular readers rather than any new ones and since most of the old ones left a few months after I started going out with David, there's only about 5 people who read my blog. And new ones never visit the second time. In a way that makes me feel safe to write whatever's on my mind but in another I miss knowing that there's a whole large-ish group of people interested in what I write or who can relate to what I'm going through.

I guess it's understandable that the reason people used to read this is now the reason they don't. I know it's no fun reading about a person who's pretty much happy with her life if you are not. My old self would stop immediately reading another person's blog if they started going on about how happy they were.

Last week when I couldn't connect to my blog, I almost got another blog. I think I'm at the stage of blogging where I want a new beginning. A different blog, a different concept, a different design. I want to start over again.

I always thought that I would only start a new blog after I got married (if I still wanted to) so there'd be some conclusion to this blog. When my 'search for a life' would be over. I used to think that in a way, it never would be over. There'd always be new things I'd be searching for. Now I realise that my search is kinda over already. I'm almost exactly where I'd like to be in my life.

I have my job, my boyfriend, my friends, my hobbies, my small adventures.

So even though I could end this blog, the problem is that I'm not happy with this vague boring ending.

By habit of blogging is another obstacle, as well as finding anything hard to let go. I don't want to let go of this blog where I accumulated readers who have been reading my blog for most of its existence. I don't feel ready to close this chapter of my life, even though my life is back to monotony (but different to the one I had when I was single). There's this contentness that I've comfortably settled in with no major events to shake things up. And to be honest, I love it this way.

I find more excitement just being with David than anything else. Of course this is quite boring for people to read about. There's no suspense, no thrill, no desperation to find out what happens next.

I read somewhere that people become wonderful writers when they fall in love because they start to see poetry in everything. However, I seem to have worsened my writing skills. In my opinion, people in pain are the best writers. Many singers are examples of this.

I also have another problem: I can't think of a better title for my new blog.

My Street

Driving to work every day made me forget how much pleasure I get from walking down my street.

You might remember, several weeks ago a very bad person damaged my car and drove off. Today I took it to smash repair which meant I had to catch the train home.

As I was walking to my house, I felt filled up with happiness. The small neat houses lining the street, trees lit up by the honey glow of the sun setting, flowers bursting with aromatic fragrances, the quiet tranquility, it felt like I was in some garden paradise.

It also brought back so many memories. Seeing the small group of teenage boys on skateboards year after year, like they never grew up. Their laid back after-school attitude and their messy hair was one of the many reasons I was happy about moving to this suburb when I was 13. I thought I would be friends with them. I thought I would be 'one of the guys' like I used to be in POB. That typically never happened.

I remember walking down this street with Nadine, in search of adventure. We didn't know what we were looking for, but we still looked. The atmosphere of my tucked away suburb seemed full of exciting possibilities.

Meeting April at the station and walking home together, laughing as always.

I also remember walking home after uni during the beginning of spring. My loneliness and contentness ran parallel as the narrow path curved under my feet. No matter how sad I felt, it was impossible not to let in the warmth of the street.

When I started working and coming home late, the smell of dinner cooking from each house just overtook my senses. It was almost like visiting all those houses during their evening meal. Sometimes I could hear talking, laughing, arguing; sometimes music and people chatting on the porch.

My Mum and I sometimes walked at night for some exercise. Before that, I walked with grandma when she visited from POB.

Now, I remember David walking down this street with me. We walked for the sake of walking. We'd chat about nothing. Or we'd chat about something. He'd grab my hand or put his arm around me...

Today I walked home and once again felt that invisible yet magnetic power, a spell, that mystically enveloped me by the magnificent magician - my street.

Dancing, Reading and Accepting

Amelia is becoming my dance buddy. Our dance course is almost finished and we'll be going to a dance workshop next.

Today the teacher was checking that everyone could do specific moves. I was fine until we had to do the 'vertical figure eight'. She looked at me and said, "Not quite there," and tried to show me again. After a few tries, she told me that she will take me aside later. Once she moved on to the next person, Amelia did the Bring it On scene, "These are not spirit fingers! THESE are spirit fingers!" which just cracked me up.

Anyway, one of those moments that you had to be there.

Went to a library near my work today and started reading Watch Your Mouth by Daniel Handler. He has this technique of talking directly to the reader which I love. And it was a little graphic but not in a gross or cheesy way. If only the front cover wasn't so obvious, I would've borrowed it.

On a totally different note, April found out Blog Guy smoked. First thing she said, "Why does this always happen to me?!" I guess you have to learn that nothing in life is perfect so there will always be something. Apparently this guy quit a month ago but she's already like, "But how can I believe that he won't start again? If we ever start going out and he knows how much I hate it, he'll do it behind my back and I'll never trust him!"

You can see why we get on. She's also the Queen of Getting Carried Away.

Anyway, she said she accepted it and was glad I didn't tell her. (He told her himself.) Now she's just going crazy because she doesn't know how he feels. This guy is pretty horrible in the way that he keeps flirting and getting her hopes up. How's a girl supposed to tell if a guy likes her or likes to flirt.

That made me realise that David and I never really flirted before going out. I feel like I missed out on something. Guess we'll have to make up for lost time.

Speaking of David, he totally stuffed up his job interview today. I really wanted him to get it because he said that if he did he'd study part-time. That of course would mean that we could move our plans forward and I wouldn't have to wait another year. And it would be a great thing for him because I know he feels too old to be still studying.

Oh well, I wouldn't have expected him to do it well with only several hours of sleep. I don't see why he has to keep working ridiculous hours with his busy uni timetable. I'm sure he'd be able to find something better. I don't know how to make him see that everyone needs sleep, including him.

I miss him.

He calls me at work now which is nice but hard to talk properly with everyone listening.

Just wish he was here with me. I don't get why I have to miss him so much all the time.

Love is crazy. It seriously drives me nuts. I can be really annoyed at him and desperately want to be with him in the same moment. When he's with me, I can't get enough. When he's not, there's nothing else on my mind. Everything reminds me of him. I can combine him into any conversation. I can't sleep if we didn't come to an agreement on something.

We made a deal that we can never go to sleep upset with each other. David broke this on Sunday. He told me he was fine when he wasn't. Next day he called to say he couldn't sleep all night because he kept thinking about it.

My mind also keeps playing a 'moment' we had a few weeks ago. It was really raw and touching. Made me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope if anything happened to him. If I can't have him, I don't want anybody else.

At work, when Eve talks to her husband on the phone, her voice is always different. Unlike her usual friendly work tone, with him she is abrupt and annoyed, like she doesn't have to be nice to him. I hope I never become like that. Why do people treat the ones they love worse than those they don't? I understand they don't have to impress their loved ones but what difference should that make?

When David was telling me how he stuffed up the interview, I got annoyed and was about to sound snappish and irritated. I stopped myself. If a work colleague was telling me this, I'd be encouraging and compassionate. So I told David not to worry and that things happen. And you know what he said? He said, "Thanks, baby, for calling to see how the interview went". I mean, of course I'd call! But he still thanked me to show he appreciated it. If I told him off, I doubt he would've said it.

Treating people you love with the same tolerance that you treat people you want to impress, achieves so much more. It always feels better being loved by the person you love than being liked by people we don't really care about.

Ok, so once again, I have ranted about several different topics. I just missed blogging after not being able to connect to it for a week. I might talk about blog dependency another time.

Who Could Play You in a Film?

What do the following people have in common?




According to My Hertiage, I look like them.

When I put David's photo in, he actually had celebrities who really did look like him. Here are the ones with the most similarities.



Never expected Joey from Friends but now I can see the similarities.

April apparently looks like Amelie:



That website is very addictive.

Her Tiny Life

There wasn't much to do at work so Amelia and I emailed each other.

me: I'm so bored at work that it was really nice to receive your email so I have something to do (i.e. reply to it).
Amelia: I'm bored and feeling guilty and on the internet too. it's a match made in heaven.

It sure was. Don't know why but I was feeling sleepy too. And hungry. I've been snacking on things that don't have gluten or sugar but they're not filling at all. I just eat and eat them and still feel hungry. Even though they don't seem to contain many nutrients, they are making me gain weight since I keep eating. And they don't even taste nice. What a waste.

Saw Amelie look-alike at the shopping centre again. Don't know why but I'm so fascinated with that girl. I even had the urge to go up to her and chat. I couldn't stop thinking about her. What was she like? She was chatting on her mobile when I walked by. Kept wondering who she was talking to. Started to imagine what her life was like. (Don't worry, I'm starting to creep myself out too.) She's probably just some ordinary girl working in retail. Who knows, she might even own that stand. A young businesswoman... hmm...

Don't know why but I kept imagining her coming home to her tiny but cosy flat and feeding her cat. Then she'd plop on the old couch and watch TV blankly for an hour. She'd glance at her watch and realise that it would be time to make dinner. She'd go to her tiny cramped kitchen, take something out of the freezer and heat it up in the microwave. Then she'd sit at her small round table and eat quietly. After dinner, her boyfriend would come over. I can imagine her opening the door for him. He'd be tall and scruffy looking. When he'd come in, they wouldn't talk much. They probably wouldn't have much in common. He'd touch her hair and then they would have sex on that small couch. They might fall on the floor. He'd take off her glasses. She'd find it hard to see but wouldn't care. Her life would feel like a big blur to her even with her glasses on. Then he'd leave, tell her he'll call. She'd nod. Then she would go to bed and cry softly.

Don't know why I imagine her to have a lonely life.

Eclectic Mix

Had such a great time today! April, Claudia, Amelia and I went to Yum Cha. We were laughing so hard, my stomach hurt. We got talking about the reunion and found out that some people in our grade are now married. I knew about several of these but one person really surprised me. I really didn't see her marrying young. Oh well.

April said to me, "You see getting married at our age as impressive but I just see it as strange". Amelia was like, "I still want to do so much stuff before I have to call someone 'dear' and ask them what they want. I want to travel and perve on Samoan guys." April replied, "I'm not ready for marriage yet" and Amelia said, "I'm ready for a sham marriage but that's it".

Later we somehow got talking about guys and Amelia said how she went to a friend's party and Claudia asked, "Was that when that guy was touching you?" and Amelia was like, "What the?! I was touching him! He had a tattoo on his back which he showed me". April and I were like, "Okaaaaaaaay..." and out of nowhere Claudia takes out her phone and says, "I got a photo". She showed us some guy stretching out his arm to Amelia who was looking really blank. Who would've thought, Claudia the paparazzi.

Later, April and I were discussing what sort of guy Amelia would go out with. A nerdy computer nerd, a tattooed guy on a motorbike or a really down-to-earth one to balance her wildness and melodrama.

Got a message from April at almost midnight yesterday that the Blog Guy asked her out (as friends probably but still).

When I saw her, she told me of the conversation they had online yesterday and he told her she was pretty and asked for her number. I was like, "This guy definitely likes you," and she said, "Unless he's the type of person who calls his friends 'pretty'".

Why the hell would a guy call you pretty if he wasn't interested in being more than friends? Wouldn't he be worried for the girl to get the wrong idea then? To me, that was proof that he was attracted to her and things were definitely progressing. April thinks I'm more excited about this than her (and let me tell you she's going crazy over this because it never happened before).

I guess I'm just excited that finally she's going to have what she always wanted and she'll be completely happy. And we can gossip about relationships.

Can't wait to meet him. We fantasised how all our boyfriends would be together. We'd have her genius intellectual one feeling superior which would clash with Evan who also thinks he's above everything. Then there'd be Mike giggling quietly and being the sensitive girly guy that he is while David would be trying to act really manly and cool. And if Amelia gets one, she'd be drinking with him and not paying attention to anyone else. Can't wait. Really hope that if April starts going out with Blog Guy, Amelia can find someone so we'd have a perfect 10 in our group with no one feeling like the odd one out. Although it doesn't seem like Amelia is too interested in a relationship.

All I can say that this time next year, things will be very different.

Who Knew

On Thursday I criticised David for something very careless that he did. That lead me to thinking I couldn't rely on him. How could I have a future with someone I couldn't trust to give responsibility to? He said that I was right and he didn't want me to have the pressure of doing everything. He asked if I needed time to think things over. I said, "What if we can't solve this?" And he said, "Whatever happens, happens". And that was the point when I realised that I didn't want to be someone who just 'happened' to him and if things didn't work out, well then, whatever. He'd be fine anyway. I wanted to be more than that. I wanted him to not be able to imagine his life without me. Because that was how I felt about him.

I asked him if he really felt that way and he said, "If we're being honest here, I do". Trying not to choke up on the tears, I told him, "I think you are the one who needs to think things over. I'm sure you don't really want to be with someone you don't care about losing". And we both hung up.

I couldn't remember the last time I actually sobbed before going to sleep.

All day on Friday tears were about to spill out - in the car, at home. Just listening to Who Knew by Pink made me cry. Work was an excellent distraction and I didn't want to go home. I couldn't stop imagining him thinking about us and how he'd realise that he could be happy without me and find someone more suited to him. No wonder I was on the verge of tears. I wondered if he'd tell me this conclusion over the phone or if he would come to my house.

I wanted him to email me something or call me to take me out of this pain. I wanted to do it myself but had to stop because I wanted to give him space. Isn't there a saying, "Let them go, and if it's meant to be, they'll come back"?

I imagined what my life would be like without him. I knew I wouldn't ever meet anyone else even close to him. I'd be alone for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't care because I wouldn't want anyone else. I thought it'd be weird if April got a boyfriend while I broke up with mine. Talk about irony.

I thought of all the things that would remind me of him. I wouldn't even be able to peel oranges without seeing him do it in one long strand, while looking at me in his kitchen and then cutting it for me. I wouldn't be able to wear the bracelet that he gave me even though it's my favourite (and not because it was a present from him but because it looks great with everything). All my weekends would be free. I'd go back to my monotonous and boring life. I'd start meeting up with my uni friends again just because I'd have nothing better to do.

At around 4:45pm, he called me. He said he had enough of thinking and he missed me and didn't want to lose me. He wanted to see me.

He came to my house later on and said that I was the only person for him and he didn't really mean what he said. He couldn't be without me. He couldn't be happy without me. He said it was very difficult to find someone like me and that he was very lucky. He also promised that he would be more careful and that he would make sure I could rely on him so I wouldn't feel pressured to do everything myself.

So the break-up never happened.

I told him I haven't felt so upset since before I met him. He asked, "Who made you upset then?" I told him no one did, I just thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. He said, "You will never be alone because you will always have me".

After that we lazed around watching Along Came Polly.

We were talking and somehow got on the topic of weddings and he said, "I'd ask your Dad for his permission first". I was so happy he told me because I had the chance to tell him not to do that! I wanted to be the first one to know if I was getting married. And I wanted to be the one to tell my parents so I could see their face expressions. He was like, "You might be surprised and find out at the same time". I was like, "Please no!" This is the problem when I already have a vision of how I want it to happen.

He also said, "I wonder who'll be my best man. I wish it was [name of his best friend in South America] but he won't come". Then he said, "You know, I'd choose your brother". I couldn't believe it! That would be just SO perfect!

But anyway, that was just talk. Fun, but early. I guess that's one of the things I love about David. He's not scared to chat about the future for fun. Just like April.

Speaking of April, she wrote me the nicest thing! I was taken aback but really touched. She thanked me for my support in her difficult time of job rejections and boy troubles. I mean, we always support each other so I didn't expect her to actually thank me for it. It's nice to know she doesn't take it for granted. I don't remember thanking her for being a good friend, which she has been. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

Hopefully my naturopath will allow me to eat more food so I can go for lunch with Claudia and April (and maybe Amelia and Christine) tomorrow.

Well, it's almost time for me to go the naturopath who will tell me my fate for the next few months. Wish me luck.

More and More and More

This is what David sent me at work (but obviously not the work email.)

"I love you more and more and more".

Things like that just make my day.

Talked with him for over 3 hours last night on the phone. I guess when we don't see each other every day, there's just so much to say.

I told him of an embarrassing moment at work, and I'll tell you now.

During staff morning tea I was talking to the only girl my age. Everyone was talking around the table and it was quite noisy. This girl asked me if I was married. I said no. Then she asked if I was engaged. I laughed and said no. By this stage conversations started to die down. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her I did. Then, she asked me, "Do you think you'll marry him?" and every person (about 20 of them) became silent and looked at me. My face went a bright shade of red. I started talking really quickly while everyone listened. I think I said, "Not yet..." followed by an unnecessary explanation of him still being at uni. I tend to go on when I get nervous, as if trying to justify myself.

Another thing I never get around to writing about (and something that I thought was over) is that I have a stalker. I really thought she left me alone but today she emailed me. Why can't this woman leave me alone?? David said she was seriously creepy and I should stay as far away from her as possible.

At first I thought I was just imagining this creepiness but David reaffirmed my feelings. April also agreed. David said he was worried this woman was trying to get me into some cult. Although, I doubt she would be part of a cult, it seriously worried me how persistent she was.

I guess my friendliness at the beginning gave her the completely wrong idea. Both April and David advised me to just cut her off. Not answer her calls or emails. Ignore her completely. Which is what I did. And look, she emailed me again anyway!

Can you guess which woman this is?

I thought she was a friendly interesting person to keep in touch with but now her friendliness is too much because it's bordering on stalking. I mean, what person keeps calling you even if you tell her you're not interested in what she's telling you and never call her yourself. I mean, I barely know her and she calls me more often than my best friend. And why would you keep calling if the other person never calls you? She also seems to think I need my life improved and she knows exactly how.

I told her I was completely happy but very busy and could not help her with her project. So she said, "You should go to [blah blah] and then you can sort your life so that you're not busy".

I mean, what do I have to do to get rid of her? I really don't want to be mean and tell her how I'm sick of her contacting me. You never know how she will react. She'll probably think I have issues that need to be helped. I already told her that I would be very busy indefinitely and if anything changes I'd let her know. Shouldn't that be enough?

Anyway, I will not get agitated over this predicament. Just hope it passes.

Went to visit my grandparents today after work. It was nice to chat to them. It was easy to imagine I was talking to someone not a lot older than me but from a different decade. I see so many old people around and there's no one quite like my grandma. She's almost 84 but her mind is as sharp as a 50-year-old's. First thing she said to me was, "So tell me something juicy," with a sparkle in her eye. I wonder what her secret is to keeping her youth for so long. Is it genes? Optimistic and easy-going outlook on life? Whatever it is I hope I have it too.

Grandpa is also great. Although he does look his age, he's got the best sense of humour. Really sharp and witty. Keeps teasing my grandma constantly. It's funny watching her blow him off. I can so imagine them in their 30s like this. Maybe the key to a long and healthy life is a happy marriage.

They don't really socialise anymore, mostly due the language barrier (they don't really speak English) and because they say they're too tired to travel to see their POBian friends. However, they are always entertaining each other. They talk all the time, cook together, play chess. I hope I can have the same relationship with David. David, by the way, loves my grandparents. He actually said he was jealous that he didn't have ones like that.

So yeah, I had a good time at my grandparents'.

Lips Narrowly Shut

Imagine if you could look into the future.

Imagine you could find out the inner thoughts and personal details of a guy your friend likes.

Just imagine...

Sounds fantastical right? Impossible? Yet so intriguing?

How can I even begin to tell you how I have the power to influence the fate of my closest friend? It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it, for I have never imagined to have so much influence on the future of another person.

I guess I should back up a little.

April found a guy. A guy that she can't find anything wrong with, which let me tell you is a miracle in itself. I didn't think much of it at the beginning. Something always goes wrong when it comes to guys and April. However, from what I hear, things are actually progressing in the right direction.

From what she told me, this guy is very smart, plays musical instruments, into philosophy, has the same sense of humour as her, confident, easy to talk to etc etc. Seriously sounds perfect. They even have personal conversations and border on flirting.

As you can imagine I was excited beyond words. I mean, finally she was going to get a boyfriend and we could joke about relationships rather than about single life.

We were chatting last night and being the person I am, the first thing I did was google his name. And lo and behold, I found a photo of him and also a link to his blog! April refused to read it because she thought it would be too weird if she knew stuff about him from his blog.

I, on the other hand, had no such problem (typically).

As I read, I discovered that this guy bordered on genius. He not only plays music, he composes it. His language is of a talented writer's standard. The way he uses vocabulary to weave his analytical and reflective thoughts is purely amazing. It was like reading poetry. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.

April asked me to tell her if I read anything interesting so at first I quoted some parts that we could laugh at but then I quoted something April didn't like. This guy expects others to share their notes with him before exams. Although that's not such a huge thing to me, April started getting put off. Which got me worried. Imagine if she didn't give him a chance based on what he wrote in his blog. It would be my fault!

Then I read something which made me realise that I should not share one more thing from his blog with April. He talked about a girl he was very intimate with online but acted like acquaintances in real life. This went on for 5 years until one day she decided not to give him her notes right before the exam and how hurt he was that she wasn't a true friend.

This might sound a little silly to you but would April want to know about his relationship with this girl? Then I also read that he drank and smoked with her at some party. Would April want to know that too? He would be a straight no for her.

After going through his archives I learnt that he's a smoker and he even writes about it poetically. He has a whole paragraph on how the cigarette fell on the ground - the aesthetic motion, the spark...

He also cries when listening to some classical music.

These are all things April would judge him on immediately which is why I cannot let her know. I'm risking her being disappointed (especially at the smoking part) but what if she starts to like him so much that she would be able to accept that? Why deny her of that chance at happiness? What if he stops smoking for her? Why interfere with the natural progression of their relationship? Would she hate me for not telling her immediately?

These are some of the questions I have on my mind about this whole situation. I don't want to be the reason April doesn't fall in love and experience a relationship.

The Orange Relief

My Mum thinks I've gone mad. And I would agree with her.

I found a way to distract myself from my painful sugar cravings (you'd think I was withdrawing from drugs from the way I go on). Peeling oranges. Who would've thought such an ordinary activity could have such a calming effect?

The thing is I don't even want to eat the oranges (unless they're sweet). I just want to peel them. I was feeling so on edge because I couldn't have chocolate and didn't want any more fruit that I went around the house asking who wanted an orange, just so I could peel one.

I peeled it perfectly and then made a picture out of the skin.

No, I'm really not going crazy. Much.

I'm becoming like one of those obsessive compulsive people. Only instead of washing my hands 17 and a half times, I peel oranges.

Why isn't it as easy as just stopping eating the food? You'd think, just don't eat it. What's so hard about that? Maybe I just lack any sort of will-power.

Blogging also helps, which might explain why I blogged three times today. I also washed the car, which I very rarely do.

My cravings for David also increased a lot. Maybe to make up for the chocolate. I wish I could've seen him today but he had to study and apply for internships. I wish he'd pick up his phone now. I bet his sister is on the phone and he's not in the same room as his mobile. Argh.

I have also been getting carried away with plans that I shouldn't be making right now. Is it my fault that I wish David was around 24/7? Maybe if he wasn't so freaking lovable, it would be easier to only see him on the weekends. I don't think I can wait another 18 months. I'm sure they'll go quickly when we reach the end, but right now, every hour seems to drag on. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not a patient person (even though people at work seem to think I am). I guess it's easy to be patient for things you don't really want right now. David is a totally different matter.

While I'm at unloading my frustrations, why the hell did my stats go down? Damn, I promised myself I would never point out that I care, but I mean I don't write this blog just so I can read it. I guess readers who liked reading about the loneliness of my single life aren't really interested anymore. And I don't advertise this blog on blogger like I used to. And I don't plan to. Gosh, the paradox of wanting people to read, yet wanting to stay anonymous.

I hope I get over this want to share my personal life with the rest of the world. It's so self-obsessed. Not that I deny that but still. I need to stop thinking I'm such an interesting person, because everyone else thinks the same (I mean, that they're interesting), which means that I'm just like everyone else. Oh, I think I already wrote about that at one point during my three years of blogging. I feel like I'm just repeating the same ideas and not coming up with anything new.

Even my relationship is not offering any new insights. I mean, I know everyone gets that I'm crazy in love with a guy. What else is there to say? Yeah yeah, I know there's plenty but it's all the same, going in circles. I miss David blah blah. He's the best etc.

I think I need to go and peel an orange.

Invitation to the 5-Year Reunion

Has it already been almost 5 years since I left the sheltered cocoon of my high school and headed for the scary yet infinitely exciting world of university? Sometimes hard to believe but other times very natural.

I remember wanting to reinvent myself and shed all the labels I had at school. I was excited at the prospect of creating an image of myself that I wanted to project and not uphold the one I unintentionally let people believe at school.

And it worked. At uni, I became the person I've aways wanted to be. But it was my high school that taught me things that lead me to becoming the person I am today. And most of these life lessons were not in the classroom.

I learnt that sometimes your best is not good enough. However, it is always possible to do just a bit more than your best because you're always more capable than you think you are. Some walls that you can't break through, crumble when you persevere.

In social skills, I learnt that people are creatures of habit and even though they might be taken aback when you do something unexpected (like change which people you sit at lunch with), with time they will be used to it and think it's normal. It is also important to be strong within yourself and believe that you are a good person because sometimes other people won't. The hardest social lesson I learnt was that not everyone will like you, no matter how nice you are. The good thing is that their unexplainable dislike of you is usually due their own insecurities. People who hurt or make fun of others are the most insecure ones.

Another important lesson was that people in authority abuse their power, even if they are given an important job such as a teacher.

I clearly remember when I was in my first year of high school, my year's supervisor asked me to retrieve a basketball that rolled away. I did it, unquestioningly. When I handed it to her, she laughed and said to an older girl, "I knew I could make her do anything". I was so angry that I couldn't stop fantasising about writing an anonymous letter to her about how she ruined my life and make fun of her neck twitch. I wanted to hurt her.

I never wrote that letter because I didn't want to waste time on someone like that.

Going to an all girls school also made me see how much I liked boys. Maybe that's the main reason I'm so obsessed with them today. (Well, a specific one right now.)

Of course I also saw the nature of bitchiness, exclusion and competitiveness but I also took away the most precious lesson of all - true friends will be there for you, even 5 years after you stop seeing them every day in classrooms and breaks.

I used to joke with April that I wouldn't go to our high school reunion unless I was successful and I really didn't think I would be. But I'm happy to report that I will definitely be going, if only because of my nagging curiosity to see what's been happening with everyone else in my grade - marriages, kids, jobs life-changing events?

I can honestly say that I'm really looking forward to seeing all the people that made up the fabric of my life during my teenage years.

More Diet Whinging

You can't even imagine my disappointment when I looked at the ingredients on the lemon muffins mix and another biscuit pack once again and saw something that I didn't see before - "raw sugar".

Fortunately the only other pack of cookies that I bought was still ok for me to have. Only I finished it already and have to wait till tomorrow till I can buy it again (since the shop is near my work).

The good news is that I've already lost weight. That's the only thing in this whole situation that makes me feel good. I mean it's so pathetic that beling slimmer is the only thing that can make me feel better about this diet that was supposed to improve my health.

My Dad (and David) thinks it's rubbish. My Dad has this wonderful theory that you should eat whatever you like because those foods make you feel happy and when you are happy your immune system is better so you are less likely to get sick.

My Mum suggested that I should do this for another week until I see the naturopath and then if she asks me to continue, instead of cutting those foods out completely, just reduce the intake. I think I can live with just eating wheat and chocolate less often than not eating them at all.

Food Fakes and other Stuff

In the deepest of my horrible diet despairs, I saw some light - by the name of Orgran.

They actually make cookies without wheat, sugar or eggs, AND make them taste like cookies. A miracle. Maybe in the future they can make chocolate without cocoa, milk or sugar. I can always dream, right?

I also bought some lemon and poppyseed muffin mix. That doesn't even sound like healthy diet food! All I have to do is add water and put the mixture in the oven.

Of course the downside of these miracle food manipulations which make food out of nothing, is that not only is there no gluten, sugar etc, there's also no nutrition. This stuff doesn't give you energy or make you less hungry. All it does is satisfy cravings for the things you can't have. (Which should definitely not be underestimated, by any means.)

After work, I went to the library to distract myself and got a nice book which I will hopefully enjoy.

I also need to do some housework that I've neglected and fix (and clean) my car.

My favourite TV show is on tonight which I'm looking forward to.

What else can I say? As you can see my more regular blogging shows that I have more spare time again and don't have to stay back at work. It's great. I wish I didn't feel so tired though so I can get more stuff done. Maybe I'm just lazy.

The dance classes that I'm attending are going pretty well. Not even close to the fun I had in salsa classes, but interesting nonetheless. I don't know what it is about salsa that makes it so much fun. Could be because I love the music and even simple steps look pretty impressive. The dance I'm learning now is more difficult and requires a lot of flexibility. But, as with anything, things that seem impossible now become easy with practice.

Catching up with Amelia every week is nice too. We don't get to talk much during the class, other than make 'witty' comments but we get to catch up a bit when I drive her to her house. It's nice.

Haven't spoken with April for ages, but we still communicate through emails and our private blog.

Oh, April is online. So I will finish here.

No More Chocolate

Chocolate cravings, sugar cravings, wheat cravings - BAD!

All day.

I mean there's only so much fruit, vegetables, meat and rice I can eat.

Why me? Yeah, I'm feeling very sorry for myself which is very stupid. I mean I have a boyfriend who supports me, I have no reason to be unhappy. The sweet guy actually said he'd do this diet with me. Such a naive boy. I told him not to even think of it. He's not in the position to refuse himself important energy foods. He said he still won't eat them when we are together. Whatever. I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realises how freaking hard it is.

I was being so pathetic, I almost cried last night when I told David about it.

I'm sure if I was single, I'd happily trade living on this diet with having a boyfriend.

I made myself feel a little better by thinking that at least I'll lose weight and would look great in all sorts clothes. Just hope my face won't start looking sunken.

I wish I didn't like chocolate and bread so much... I mean I'd be ok to cut out all pastries and biscuits and all that if I could have some cocoa and wheat.

In My Body

You make a phone call to make an appointment with some woman who does naturopathic allergy tests, recommended to you by your new naturopath (since you've been going to the clinic for so long, the two previous moved on to new jobs).

The woman tells you she does this test from home.

You have thoughts of how dodgy that is and if it's even safe but think you can always sue your naturopath if something goes wrong.

You can't help but wonder if this is some scheme where they lure you into some apartment where they make you prisoner and slave for some human/drug traffickers.

You find the house in the cul-de-sac street, park your car and go up the stairs.

You ring the doorbell.

You hear the TV being switched off, some shuffling and finally an elderly woman opens the door.

She smiles; she's been expecting you.

Her apartment looks cosy and a little mystic with astrological and scientific posters everywhere, soft couches and candles. Looks like she lives alone.

She asks you to follow her into a tiny room where there's a strange machine, a bed with white towels and lots of tiny tubes.

She hands you a leaflet with information about the procedure. You read 'NON-INVASIVE' in capitals and skim through the rest.

She asks you to hold a bar that connects to a pen-like tool and the machine. She inserts different tubes into the machine while poking your finger with the pen-tool.

When the machine makes a long noise, it means you are sensitive to that substance.

She reads out what she's putting into the machine.

"Shrimp" - Beep
"Cauliflower" - Beep
"Chocolate" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

"Not good," she says. Great, you think.

"Wheat" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
"Sugar" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

You go through most substances, while she tells you that you have bad digestion, parasites in your intestines, cells aged 50 years old etc. (She calms your mind by telling you that it's only because you've got a lot of toxins in your system and that you are very healthy otherwise, just need to detoxify).

You tell her you eat healthy already. She says she can tell but you'll still have to cut out all sugars, grains, chocolate and fats completely while taking a variety of herbs and vitamins.

You tell her you've already went through the 'Elimination Diet' a few years back and it didn't make a difference. You don't want to go through that again. She tells you it's different because this time you will be taking naturopathic medication at the same time.

She tells you that you can claim the money from your medical fund because she puts it down as a 'massage'. How nice.

So from now on until indefinitely you can forget any food that might contain wheat, gluten, sugar, cocoa and milk, and everything you can eat, you can't overdo because that could lead to problems too.

Aren't you glad it's not really you, but me?

Amelie Works at the Watchstand

I met real-life Amelie today. She sold me a watch and fixed the band to fit my wrist. She was so much like her that I just wanted to keep talking to her. She looked like her, she had the same mannerisms, the same warm voice and expression, her dress, her sweetness, everything. I could just imagine her in her little apartment in Paris. It was surreal.

Get A Room

Last night was one of the most fun nights out I've had in a while.

David and I went to Ria's birthday party at a tucked away cafe that had salsa dancing after people finished eating. The place felt like someone's house. All chairs got stacked away and the tables moved to the walls to allow room for the dancing. The music was a little different to the usual stuff which made for a nice change.

Most dancers were amazing. I thought I was getting better but next to the people on the floor, I looked amateurish. Which I guess I am. We had fun nonetheless.

It was mainly a South American crowd which I loved. Friendliness and fun overdose. There was this one guy who I straight away thought April would go for - cute, boyish, quiet, friendly. I sent David to make friends with him. Unfortunately David returned to tell me that even though he was a great guy he had a girl and he liked girls who were into dancing. Oh well, it was worth a try.

While he was talking to this guy, I was talking to two single girls when out of nowhere some guy asked me to dance. Can't say I didn't feel flattered. It's been a very long time since that happened. I refused though.

Ria had a bit of a drama. Her boyfriend didn't come until way into the night. Her brothers were making fun of him which Ria just nervously laughed at. When he did come, they went outside and she came back looking like she was crying. Something I never imagined her to do. Then they made out like there was no tomorrow. (Even David said it was a bit too much.) Now that I'm in a relationship, other relationships really intrigue me more than ever.

David and I decided to go outside a bit for some fresh air and because it was a little hard to switch off from the 'salsa' atmosphere where 'being close' was the norm, David had his arms around me and we were being a little on the snuggly side when someone from a passing car yelled, "Get a fucking room!" I was mortified! For someone to yell something like that at me! ME! The person who used to think these things about people who showed even a hint of coupledom. How could I have turned into someone I always felt bitter about?

I blame it on the fact that I still haven't switched off the mood inside the club. I mean, when everyone in the club is hanging off their partner, it's easy to forget people outside these salsa places have a different standard of PDA.

I was so embarrassed I almost ran back in. David found it funny; he was like, "I think we should get a fucking room".

We danced some more and went back to my house. Had a really good talk. He told me his Mum said that we act like we're engaged. So it's not only my parents who get carried away. What is it with parents?

Anyway, I know something that should happen at the end of next year that I will have to keep to myself at least until halfway through next year. Every time I think about it, I can't help but smile and feel happy all over.

God's Advertising Space

I saw something today that I just had to share with you.

There is this church on my way to the shopping centre from work which has a large board at the entrance with the most amusing advertising slogans.

Today it said:

Feel ugly?

God thinks you are to-die-for

Catchy, isn't it?

I think they must have a great marketing department, trying to appeal to the people with low self-esteems.

But they don't just try to appeal to the weak. They also go for the 'cool' crowd'. A while ago it said:

Jesus says, "Waz up?"

Who would've thought Jesus was a homie?!

I'm really looking forward to their next promotional strategy.