Almost Monday

Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Especially my idiotic manager.

Last week she signed a print approval form (that it was fine for the work to go to print). A week later (after I've already approved the proof) she told me that she had to make some changes to the text. I reminded her that it was about to be printed because she signed the form. With a look of shock in her face, she said, "I didn't realise that's what I was signing!"

I mean, there are just no words.

She told me to immediately call the printer and stop the process. Lucky when I called, he hasn't started our job.

I try not to let it stress me because it's not like I'll be in trouble if she's signing off things she hasn't even read. But still, I like to get things done right. At least I have a job so I shouldn't really complain.

The good thing about Mondays is that once they're over, the rest of the week seems to fly by. It's hard to believe it's end of February already!

Short & Sweet

Last night I saw a collection of short plays. I was very impressed because there were no elaborate sets (if any at all) and the costumes were nothing exciting either. However, the script and the acting were enough to completely immerse me in the stories. I still can't get them out of my head.

Everyone was there, except David. He didn't want to go. He really missed out! I knew he would've loved it. As I was watching them, I really wished he was with me to share the fun. Oh well, next time.

There was one about a couple's marriage problems and April and I interpreted it completely differently. It's interesting how being in a relationship, I saw the play in a quite different way.

The Moving Out Club

Another one of my friends is moving out. You might remember me mentioning Sally (especially duing my uni days). She's got a very interesting story but I can't tell you because I still fear someone from my uni reads this blog.

Let's just say she is in a long distance relationship with someone her family doesn't like. Sometimes I think she doesn't like him either. She told me once she was afraid of never finding anyone else. Anyway, long story.

I wonder if her boyfriend finally decided to move to our city and she's moving out with him. Very curious to know all the details.

Well, another "moving-out" friend to add to my growing list.

I Want it Now

I'm sick of my Mum's pressure about David's and my future. Just sick of it!

She tells me everything I already know. She keeps forgetting I'm not the only one in the relationship. Wish David was simpler and didn't make such a big deal out of little things, but I can't change him. I'm stuck and it's making me very frustrated and upset.

I know I can never have what I've always dreamed of and even though I've accepted it, I still wonder why David can't make it happen. Yes, I've heard his reasons but they don't really make sense to me. And he knows it.

I try to stop the "why"s from surfacing 'cause they only upset me and no one else. I should be happy I have him, right? Other things shouldn't matter. But as we all know, once we have something, we want more. And more... and more.

My constant analysing creates doubt in what's going on. I try to block this doubt because I don't want it to be true. Then I get confused if this doubt has a real basis or if it's just a result of my over-thinking.

My patience has been tried way too much. I'm sick of waiting and not being able to do anything. I feel powerless. I can't get what I want and I don't like that. This is probably because I'm spoilt.

I've also just remembered how my Dad never gave me the POBian English dictionary of swear words. I found it when I was a child and made the biggest mistake by running around the house and saying, "Look, what I've got!" My Dad quickly took it away from me and told me he wouldn't give it back until I was mature enough. None of my begging and pleading made any difference.

Then when I tured 21, I told him that I proved to be old enough to read it and just wanted to have a look out of curiosity. He kept saying he forgot to bring it back from work. I confronted him about it and he made it very clear that he was never going to give it to me. You can't imagine how mad it made me. I kept pestering him but he never budged. (Don't think there's anyone more stubborn than him.)

It still angers me that he broke his promise.

Don't know where I'm going with this story other that I hate when I can't get what I want, especially when I've been looking forward to it.

Dancing with David

David and I finally enrolled in a dance course together. We are going to be doing 2 hours of (Ballroom and Latin) dancing every week.

As you can imagine, I was really looking forward to it. Since it's a local class, I didn't expect to see many people so I was quite surprised to see all ages of both males and females in the class.

David and I had a 'conflict' before the class even began. It was very stupid but I got very annoyed nonetheless. Fortunately, dancing has the ability to make you forget why you were irritated in the first place and brings people back together.

As we were doing the "Slaoo, slaoo, quick, quick" of the Slow Rhythm, David said, "Baby, I'm a natural at this!" Just then, the elderly instructor came up and said, "Young man, let me show you how to do this correctly".

I tried not to smile. After the instructor left, David's ego said, "Ballroom dances are so uptight! You can't have any fun". I told him good dancers have to be versatile. He poked out his lower lip like an upset child and said, "Why does she have to pick on me?"

I tried to comfort him, "She's only telling you this because she knows you've got potential to be really great, unlike the others who have no hope". He didn't seem too convinced, but it was starting to get much easier to dance with him.

When we were instructed to rotate partners, I obviously stayed put. Then an elderly lady came up to us and said, "It's time to move on". We both shook our heads, not even looking at her. Then, this lady tapped me on my shoulder and told me that it was her turn to dance with David. She didn't look too nice when she said it either. David pulled me closer and I explained that "we'd like to stay together". The lady looked confused for a moment but then grumpily moved on to a male closer to her age.

I had my time of rotating and dancing with weird guys. Now I wanted to dance with my hot naturally self-assured boyfriend.

We learnt the basics of Rumba next. It had the Latin feel of the Salsa so it came a lot easier to both of us, even though it was supposed to be the more difficult dance.

I really enjoyed myself and can't wait till the next lesson!

Me or the Train

me: you better go or you're going to miss your train
David: but then I'm going to miss you

My Valentine's Day

The best compliment I got on Valentine's Day was when David didn't realise I made the card for him. He thought I bought it. Nothing can make a designer feel as good as being thought of as a pro.

Creativity Block

The internet is stifling my imagination. I realised this when my computer decided to stop working. Not having the internet I had to resort to old ways of entertaining myself, such as reading (which I've been really neglecting). It's amazing how many more useful things I could be doing if it wasn't for the internet.

I used to write creatively before I discovered blogging. I used to draw, create projects... Now I just can't be bothered. The internet is just the easiest form of entertainment, other than TV. The interactivity of the world wide web make the internet more exciting than watching a screen passively.

I was even thinking of making myself stop using the internet for a few weeks to see what I could do instead. But I don't think I could do it.

My Valentine

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm strangely looking forward to it. I don't want to 'cause it's such a commerical holiday which used to make me bitter but I can't help it.

'Cause someone asked me to be his Valentine. So corny but so cute. I can't help but smile.

Plus I just have this tingly feeling inside me that 'something' might happen. It probably won't but I can't help but hope that it will.

Such a Lovely Shade of Grey

Cold rainy days are great for staying cacooned inside in the comfort of your own home. Preferably curled up on the couch with another warm body (but obviously not just any body).

Love cold dark wet days but only if I don't have to be at work.

What Friend?

Amelia messaged me last week because she was "obliged" to tell me that there was a shoe sale near my work. Before, that message would've made me smile but this time, I felt sad. I didn't even reply. Couldn't get the stupid things she said out of my head and I don't think I ever will.

I think once the respect is gone, it's too hard to maintain the same level of friendship.

The Perfect World

What my perfect world would be like:

- no violence
- no cruel/evil people (e.g. murderers/terrorists)
- no jealousy/envy/anger/depression/grief and all the other negative emotions
- no illness/sickness/injury and no pain
- no death (unless you were ready to die)
- no weapons
- no discrimination
- no religion
- no deception
- no guilt
- no one would ever be judged negatively or looked down on

- all food would be good for you
- you could pick what you want to look like
- you'd always be in perfect health (no toothaches/sore eyes/allergies etc.)
- you would never have to waste time going to the toilet
- you would always be clean so you'd never have to wash or brush your teeth
- giving birth would be painless and pregnancy would last only a few weeks (at most)
- no one would have to shave
- no periods

- you could have any career you want and you'd always love your job
- you'd have plenty of time to do things outside of work
- you'd only need 4 hours of sleep so you'd have more time to do other things

- everyone would have friends and family
- everyone would feel passionate love
- everyone would have great sex

- the environment would always be in perfect shape and abundant with natural resources
- there would be a perfect balance between sunshine and rainy days and cool breezes
- no such thing as sunburn
- your hair would always remain in great condition even when you go swimming in the ocean
- animals and humans would live in perfect harmony

- no traffic jams, ever
- never have lack of energy

Never having any of the above obstacles would make people concentrate on scientific research and the Arts and other projects.

And of course, there'd be no conflift/contradiction between the above things and no reasons such as rules of economy/physics/human nature to prevent them.

Most of all, we would be able to appreciate that perfect world and devour life with enthusiasm and excitement.

About Dreams

"You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it."

Watched Pursuit of Happyness yesterday and the above quote really got me thinking.

Ever since I can remember I always had the same dream. (You know, show business). My parents knew it but they always told me that my dream was not practical. Since I was highly influenced by my parents and very sensible, deep down I was too scared to take any risks to make my dream a reality.

Yes I've tried (probably not hard enough) and the result of my dream not coming to fruition was proof to me that my dream was unreachable. It was just not realistic.

Another major obstacle for me is thinking I'm not good enough. You see all these people who are so sure of themselves when they don't even realise they're nowhere near who they think they are. I never want to be one of those people. I want to be realistic about my abilities. Maybe my realism stops me from doing things. I wish I could think "Just cause other people can't do it, doesn't mean I can't either".

You can think I'm just full of excuses for my lack of motivation and persistence. You might even be right. Of course I want things to come easier. Maybe it gets to a point where you have to decide how much you really want your dream because if you really really want it, you would do anything. Maybe I just don't want it hard enough.

Last week I decided to live by a new rule - "Never say no to anything" (please no smart-arse comments about this). Life is too short, I'm going to take up every single opportunity. You never know where it might lead me. If I can't work in movies, I will make my life a movie.

My Boss is Stupid

Before a few months ago, work was great! I liked everyone. Everyone liked me. It was a pleasure to be there.

This was all before my direct manager decided to follow her husband to another city and leave her position to what can only be classed as a "very self-confident idiot". And let me tell you, that type of idiot is the worst.

Let me illustrate my point.

SCI (i.e. self-confident idiot) asked me to make a poster of the map with all our organisation's locations to send to potentional international clients. Easy. I found a very clear map from our database, added some 'design elements' and voila.

She looked at it carefully and said, "Sky, can you please add circles around the CBD, every 10km so they can see how far everything is". I pointed to a very clear map scale in the corner. She looked at it, laughed and said, "Sky, who can even read map scales? Add the circles."

I did not argue, smiled and said, "Sure".

(Only a couple of days ago, we got a community college course catalogue in the mail and my Dad and I heartily laughed at the course "Reading Maps" - only $75!)

Now, if this example wasn't enough to convince you, I will tell you of another one.

SCI asked me, "Can you design a poster?" I said, "Sure, what would you like it to be about?" She replied, "I don't know. Just do the design and I'll think about it later".

Really, I can go on and on. But I won't. Well, actually, one more example (just to make myself feel better).

We went to a meeting with external design agency and they asked, "How would you measure the success of your new corporate image?" An excellent question, I thought. She replied almost immediately, "I'll just know it."

I also get to hear her constantly complain how bad everything is and how she's going to change everything because she knows "what's good and what's not". If only that was the case, I might not get so annoyed at her. Unfortunately she has the worst ideas that I (and everyone else in my team) has to go along with.

She's also the type that likes to 'delegate'. She often asks me to deal with difficult client situations (even though she's the one who should do it) and print off documents (that I've already printed and she lost) for her "to make things easier".

The main problem is that she can't even do her job. One of her main responsibilities is to proofread/edit all text that comes in for advertising, brochures, newsletters etc. First day she joined our team, she gave me the article and said, "Sky, can you please proofread it. I never notice mistakes". Not only does she not notice them but she makes the silliest ones. I'm not one to write correctly, but to notice a professional's mistakes is just not right.

It's good that I have experience working with difficult people so I don't take it personally and don't try to object. The good thing is that she seems to like me. Thank God. Makes my work life just that little bit easier.

Would love to hear of any other "difficult boss" stories. It'll make me feel better.

My Australia Day

What it means to be an Australian to me:

• having a picnic with my close friends (each from a different background) in front of the city's most beautiful view
• watching the theme boats blaring out party music
• getting sunburnt no matter how many times I put on sunscreen - the sun always finds a spot I missed
• listening to free bands
• having dinner at a Korean restaurant with the most fun guy on the planet
• standing in a huge crowd watching the firework spectacle in the sky

Now, to the gossip details.

Amelia brought a shisha. Being the innocent and sheltered person that I am, I had no idea what it was. When she said the word 'smoking', I thought she didn't really mean smoking, but some novelty thing.

April sensed my confusion and motioned with her face that Amelia really was planning on smoking. To say I was shocked would be a bit of an understatement. I knew Amelia was a little crazy but I never thought she could be so stupid. April later said she wasn't surprised.

Since Christine's 11 year old cousin was there, I said to Amelia, "Do you think it's a good idea to smoke that with kids around?" and she replied, "Parents smoke around their kids all the time".

That was a different low. I felt like I lost a friend. I can never respect Amelia again. I don't feel like talking to her. To say something like that... I just had no words.

April and I went for a walk and I found plenty of words to tell her. April was kind enough to listen to how I just couldn't believe Amelia, alhough she wasn't shocked in the slightest.

I expected such things from Christine, but never Amelia. And to say that it was ok to smoke in front of kids 'cause other parents did it! That was just too much. What happend to considering that other adults (not just kids) might not want to inhale smoke and kill their lungs?

The stupidity and selfishness of that all... argh.

Later when a colourful boat with dancers on board came close to where we were and Amelia said to me, "Come on Sky! Let's go and say hello," I just mumbled that I was happy in the shade and didn't want to walk over to the water. She said, "I'm going, life is too short" and happily bounced along the grass in her short white summer dress.

I saw her wave to the boat and remembered her in year 8 at school, when she was a nerdy kid. Would've never expected that plain girl to turn out into someone with a lot of style but no concept of reality.

April said that I just chose to ignore all the hints of Amelia's strange behaviour and just saw her friendly and normal side. I mean let's look at the facts:
- she went out with a married man
- hangs around Georgia (a very disturbed girl)
- brought a baseball bat for her work "for protection"
- went on about inflicting bad revenge on the married guy 'cause she 'thought' (or maybe she knew) that he took advantage of her when she was drunk.

It all adds up.

I told April that I felt like I couldn't believe anyone was sane anymore. I said that if April started smoking and drinking a lot, the world was upside down. April replied, "I can promise you I won't smoke". I waited for her to say the same about getting drunk but she just laughed knowingly.

Now to Part 2 of the day.

After the picnic, April and I met up with Ella and Liz. Liz's relatively new boyfriend came a little later. I was interested in meeting him 'cause he was POBian and also because Liz always complained about him but desperately waited for his calls anyway. I saw him for a minute on NYE but that wasn't enough to form any impressions.

The 10 minutes of seeing him yesterday formed a very strong impression of him. And not a positive one. He pretty much went on about her breast. I don't know if he was trying to be funny but it was getting seriously awkward. Ella, April and I weren't even saying anything anymore but he just went on and on! He was sounding like an immature 15 year old, not a 27 year old man.

After that incident when that guy went to talk on the phone, Liz asked us, "Is he crazy or am I?". Although Liz is crazy, this time it was definitely her boyfriend who was was very inappropriate.

April and I agreed that if you had a problem with you boyfriend, you should go and tell him how bad he made you feel with his comments, not complain to your girlfriends. I bet he didn't even realise how his words affected her.

Later I met up with David and told him about my eventful day. He said he always knew Amelia was weird and the fact that she smoked didn't come as a surprise to him. About Liz's boyfriend, he said if he was there, he'd tell the idiot to be quiet. He said that you don't focus other people's attention to your girlfriend's body, you have to be the one to protect her from others and show respect and not embarrass her. Then he said, "We are the only normal couple".

I think the only people I can really trust is April and David.

"We can't ban alcohol! Ugly girls would never have sex again."

- POBian radio

Charming.

Shared Reality

While we were driving to my house and having one of those "I'm so in love with you and don't care if I sound sentimental" discussions, David said to me, "You're the only one I really connect with. We share the same reality".

The last part really got me thinking. Shared reality... Very profound.

Everyone has their own concept of reality, right? It's all a matter of perspective. I guess that's when you get 'a click' with a person - you see life in a similar way.

In my life, I only ever had three 'clicks' (not including any childhood friendships). First one was with Nadine, second with April (probably the biggest sharer of my reality) and third, of course David.

You just get in this zone where you know how the other person thinks and feels. Anyone who ever had that click with someone (whether it be a friend or partner) knows just how wonderful it feels.

If only more people shared the same reality.

The M Word

A couple has been going out for a while. The guy says, "We've been going out for a while, I think we should take the next step". The girl thinks, "Ohmygod, he's going to propose". The guy says, "Would you move in with me?"

Yes, asking to move in is the new step between dating and marriage. At least it seems to be nowadays.

Personally, I'm against it. You can blame that opinion on my mother who convinced me that such a thing was a bad bad idea.

In theory, moving in together before marriage seems like a great concept, right? I mean it's like a trial run for marriage.

Only not quite so. When you move in together, you still have your stuff divided (e.g. bank accounts) so you might have problems over dividing the bills. Then, if you have a big argument, it would be just so easy to separate, whereas if you are married you'd try harder to work things out. Because big arguments pass.

April is all for moving in first. She says it's better to get separated than get divorced. But moving in doesn't have the commitment of marriage. You don't need to try to work things out when it's much simpler to just move out.

Some people say that marriage is just a piece of paper. If if it's just a piece of paper, why can't you just get it, huh? I say - excuses of commitment phobics.

Another problem I have with moving in together is how do you move on to marriage from that? Let's say, you've worked out your problems and have settled in happily. What next? Guys are usually reluctant to propose, especially when they have all they need. No need to go that extra step.

In order for marriage to work, both parties have to go into it with a full plan for living together, and complete consideration of this important life decision. It should not be taken lightly. Both people have to be full committed to it.

I mean, of course the transition would be difficult. Merging lives isn't easy and is a huge change. Much better to go into it with a plan to stay, rather than "will see how it goes".

If you think you might not be able to live with your partner, why move in at all?

From my own experience, I already know that moving in with David will be extremely difficult for me. I mean I honestly don't know how I'd be able to sleep with someone who snores and doesn't see the importance of closing the toilet lid. (All I had to do was go on a holiday with him to find that out.) But am I willing to leave him because of that? Of course not!

When you love a person, and I mean really love them, you would be fine with putting up with many things because in the end, you just want to be with them.

The Rabbit in the Hat

You know that girl with a giggle behind her eyes? Well, that's me at the moment because I'm sharing a joke with myself which I find very funny.

Playing with other people's minds can cause me great amusement, especially when these people think they're very smart and don't have the slightest idea how they are the topic of my fun.

Now, in a certain light this may seem cruel but let me assure you no one has been hurt in my game of 'misleading'.

The funny thing is that I haven't even lied, and it's amazing how people pick up things that stand out the most and don't see anything in between. I guess that's the psychology behind magic tricks.

I have to go and wash my hair now.

Who's the Prettiest One of All?

Read an article today that POBian women are considered to be one of the most beautiful in the world (along with other countries in that region). I almost laughed. That article received many comments which showed that beauty is in the eye if the beholder.

Some men had a thing for Asian women, others liked Latin American ones. One guy said that even though he found Slavic and Scandinavian women hot, his Aussie girlfriend had the best sense of humour (i.e. she could open a beer bottle with her teeth - just hilarious).

One guy said that he liked POBian women because of their "big deep arctic" eyes and because "not only do they have hot bodies, they also, like, read".

Since I'm very likely going to go to POB in 6 months, I'll be sure to check out all the 'hot women' 'cause last time I've been there, I couldn't see them.

But yes, there are some very good looking POBian women, too bad there aren't any similiar POBian men. Such a rare thing to see a 'hot' POBian male. Not that I'm looking or anything. (And anyway, after David, I don't find Caucasian men attractive anymore.)

Actually I have a little secret that I'll share with you. Last night I dreamt that I met a very hot POBian guy who was deeply intelligent and just so deliciously witty I was ready to leave David. Now I feel a little guilty that my subconscience was capable of that.

I guess I have to face reality that that guy in my dreams doesn't exist and that even though David is not 'perfect', who freaking is? Right?

As I was checking my blog stats, I noticed someone from POB found my website and looked through it. Don't know why but I got a little excited. Doubt they realised I was from there too.

My work life has been so lifeless that I was planning on joining a theatre group. I emailed several about membership and they all have annual fees. I don't want to pay $40 for something I'm not even sure I'd like. I'm not interested in painting sets or acting and it didn't look like they give you opportunities to assist with production/casting/directing. I was hoping I could just go and have a look first but I don't think that's a possibility. I guess me being part of theatre life was not meant to be.

Wish things would come easier. Like opportunities just presenting themselves to me.

Like in POB, I was just asked if I wanted to participate in musicals. I didn't have to go and find them. Oh well.

I'm going to go and immerse myself in my POBian show. Need to switch off reality for a little while.

For Love

Who knew love can test you so much. I always thought that true love was easy - it just happily bopped along the path of life with nothing in its way. Then again, that was my just idealistic view, always supported by my optimism and hope. As they say, "Hope dies last".

I have not had an easy week. Can't even believe it was only a week. Felt like an eternity. The beginning of questioning love is a sign that it must not be true after all. That's what I thought anyway.

That scared me. I thought my fairytale was at the beginning of the end. That was it for me. I was going to end up alone after all. The worst thing was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My best friend was involved and it was too personal to share with April or anyone. I was going to write a blog entry about how eveyone is alone anyway, even if you have all the love in the world. At the end of the day, it's just you with yourself.

At first my hope triumphed, easing the pain. I kept telling myself everything would turn out fine in the end. But when this 'end' was nowhere in sight, I started to wonder if I should start getting over it. And that was the most difficult thing in the world. I don't remember crying so much in consecutive days.

I guess I imagined him to fix everything, as always. For him to come running and tell me that he would do what I wanted and my happiness was all that mattered to him. After lots of arguing, discussing, talking and hitting brick walls (figuratively speaking), I realised that I would never have what I wanted, no matter how loud I kicked and screamed, and no logic or reason would convince him to do it my way.

I thought, "He doesn't love me enough", "Do I really want to be with someone who's not willing to sacrifice for me? Someone who wouldn't put my happiness before his?"

I was on the edge of letting it go.

Then I thought, either I end up alone and regret this forever, or I could let him have his way (even though I didn't understand it).

I asked him questions, hoping his answers would give me a hint if he was worth it and if he would let me have my way next time or if I'd always have to be the one to budge. His replies didn't help. Maybe 'cause that thing called hope was still there, hoping that he would finally let me have my way.

Finally my pride kicked in. I decided enough was enough. Either I stayed and be unhappy or I went and be unhappy. But feeling emotional pain every single day was just ridiculous.

So I let go. I told him we'd do it his way if he could promise me it wasn't always going to be me who had to compromise.

He told me he would let me do anything I wanted because he was so happy we'd do it his way this time. I could see he was truly grateful and my selfish self thought, "Now I have the upper hand". I told him what I wanted in the future and he said he would give me all that.

I learnt one very important thing this week - don't wait for someone else to make you happy, you are the only one who can decide to be happy.

I didn't think giving into him would make me happy. I thought I'd resent him but the weird thing is that I don't. I feel strangely light-hearted.

He said to me, "I'm glad you finally understand where I'm coming from" and I replied, "Actually I still don't understand or agree with your point of view but I'm happy to go with it anyway because I love you".

This was my sacrfice for love and I'm not planning on doing any other any time soon.

Where the Heart Is

The more I watch my POBian show the more I miss POB. I guess not the country so much but the people. And not even the people, but the way they are, the humour. Especially the humour. I can always relate to POBian humour. Even when my parents' friends come over or their kids, they are always so funny.

I guess many Australian won't understand it just because Australian humour is SO different. For example, if I listen to Australian comedians on TV or radio, I just get bored and annoyed with them. Not because I don't understand the joke, but because I just think it's stupid. It's not subtle, it's usually mocking and sarcastic.

Of course I'm not saying that I don't find any of that funny, just not as funny as POBian jokes.

You'd think that since I lived here since I was a kid I'd relate more, but for some reason I just don't. I don't know if other people who moved countries when they were kids feel the way I do. Like not fitting in completely. I usually don't think about it much but the POBian show made me remember.

David and I were talking about it and he feels the same. Although he has more reason to feel that way since he only moved here after he already had a life there. Who knows, maybe that's why we get along. We both don't feel 100% Australian even though I call this country my home and wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

None of my friends are 'true' Australians (i.e. people who's families have been here for generations). Most of my friends weren't even born here.

Some people could say that since most people here are immigrants, we're all Australians. Somehow I don't believe that because the only people I associate as being true Australians are the types who live on Home and Away and Neighbours. Their personalities are just too different to mine.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this post because I don't mean to generalise but it's hard to understand where I'm coming from unless you're in a similar situation.

My inner longing for POB just won't go away.

Fishbowl Crisis

I'm having an internal conflict and I don't know what to do.

It's nothing trivial but of great life importance. Yet, I can't write the details.

I feel confused, scared, desperate. Just stuck.

Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time there was a fish. It lived in a comfortable fishbowl. It loved its small home because, even though it had a short memory, it always remembered the time it was caught out of the ocean and was fighting for its life.

However, after living in this lovely fishbowl for a while, it started wondering if it really was its home. Was this small fishbowl enough for the fish? Did it want to live in it its whole life?

When a bird flew by, it asked the fish if it wanted to take it back to the ocean. The fish didn't know. Did it want to risk being caught by the fishermen? But on the other hand, there was a possibility of being in the ocean forever and finding a much better home - larger and more beautiful.

While the fish was thinking, the bird flew away, leaving the fish in its fishbowl. Life went by and who knew if another bird would ever fly by, and if it did, would the fish be able to make the decision then?

The End.
(for the fish, not for me...)

Good Day

I say to myself
"Self, why are you awake again? It's 1am"
Standing with the fridge door wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mine's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, just way hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still your name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
But still we laugh

I go back upstairs, turn off the TV
You say "I'll be okay baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
Gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
Gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be...

- Jewel

Hello 2007!

I had the best New Year's Eve!! (Of course it could've been a little bit better but considering the circumstances, it was a blast.)

My friends are amazing. I love them. I'm a very lucky person.

Unfortunately I can't write exactly what happened but I can say that April asked for us to "get a room" at the hotel. She meant it as an innocent joke but that's far from how that sounded. I'm sure the guy I was trying to set her up with that worked there won't forget her any time soon.

I was told this guy was "not very tall" and "not ugly" so April was expecting a short not very attractive guy. We were both very pleasantly surprised to see an average height quite cute guy. Just goes to show that you should never trust a guy's description of another guy.

Too bad April didn't get a good chance to talk to the guy. Hopefully something better can be organised later.

When April and I got back to the club where we were before we went to the hotel at midnight, Ella was starting to get very nervous because she was about to meet a guy she met on myspace. She said they talked for 7 hours in the last two days and he was going to come to the club at 1am. She was very open about meeting this guy. It's like meeting someone off the internet is not taboo anymore.

April went to meet him with her while Amelia and I danced. Some guy came out of nowhere to ask me to dance. I politely declined but he stretched his hand out to me and said, "Come on! You look like you're having so much fun. Let's dance!" I was flattered. Guys never asked me to dance before I had a boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if I look more approachable now that I have one. After I declined his offer, he asked Amelia but she also said no. Don't know why, she could've danced with him.

After April came back (alone 'cause she left Ella with the guy downstairs), I told her about my "Theory of Two" - a guy will only ask you to dance if there's only one friend with you. Guys feel too intimidated by large groups of girls. This was proven again when April left for a moment and the same guy came up again! Couldn't believe he had the guts to ask us to dance after we told him no the first time. Then there were a few other guys trying to dance with us (without asking).

When they played the song from Grease (We Go Together) and it was just me, Amelia and April, I thought life couldn't get better than this - dancing with my two best girl friends. Amelia looked great with her new "Russian Spy" hairstyle and glittery gold retro dress (only she could pull off), April looked beautiful in her black halter dress and her glossy black hair and I felt pretty good in my cotton wringed summery black and white dress and my red shoes and red accessories. I wish I could have a picture of the three of us dancing.

Later, we met the guy that Ella met on myspace. He looked all right but he was quite short. When we left the club to go home, all Ella could talk about was how the guy didn't look like in the photo. She said she felt very confused and didn't know whether she liked him. April and I advised her to meet up with him again to get to know him better. She thought that was a great idea but she was obviously in a bit of a shock because he looked different in photos.

That's the thing with meeting someone from the internet. You get a certain picture of them and in reality they might be very different.

It was a very interesting night. Wished I could spend more time with David but what can you do.

End of a great party always makes me feel a little sad but what cheers me up is knowing that as long as I have these people, I don't have to wait for next New Year's Eve for another fun party.

Another End

Last day of 2006.

A little hard to believe. But I guess the last day of the year always points out how time passes. Very quickly in my case.

As you may know this year has been quite different to my previous ones. First of all, I had a career related job for most of the year. Secondly I was in a relationship for all of the year. Thirdly, well... there is no third.

Another big recent change has been with this blog. And considering this has been a significant part of my life for the last four (can you believe it?!) years, this change has been a bit of shock.

But maybe I'm dramatising, as usual. Maybe I thought that change would be a shock when in reality, I haven't been really affected. It actually gave me a reason to stop blabbing about every personal thing to the world (well, a tiny part of it that comes here).

I hope next year brings a different sort of change. The type that I've been discussing for the last few days which left me emotionally exhausted. I wish things would be simpler. You know, boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl live happily ever after.

Unfortunately the boy can make things so much more complicated than that, leaving the girl feeling very confused.

If only the girl was a simpler sort of person and didn't mind feeling confused, or even better not feel confused at all and just go with the flow. Too bad that 'going with the flow' is not part of the girl's nature. The girl wants to know what, when and how, and not in a year or even a month, she wants to know right now.

Oh and also because the girl is even more complicated than that, it's not enough for her that the boy agrees to do what she wants to make her happy. She wants the boy to want to do it for himself. She doesn't want the guilt of forcing the boy to do anything and she definitely doesn't want any future resentment from the boy.

Hence, the whole situation is complicated.

And to make it better, this is all happening just before New Year's Eve, creating a tense and heavy atmosphere when it should be relaxed and light.

Hopefully the boy and girl can enjoy the night (in which they will barely see each other) and greet the new year with certaintly and united excitement for the future.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and that next year is a successful one for you. Thanks for reading.

Daytime TV Escapism

I watched 7th Heaven today and felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I can't believe that show is still on. The kids have grown so much!

Here is how I remembered the youngest daughter:



Here is what she looks like now:



Firstly, she looks like she's adopted and secondly, that show is quite addictive. Right now the middle boy is about to get married, and the middle girl already has a kid.

All of them get married young. They haven't even finished college.

Like April would say, this type of TV show is escapism. It's almost like leaving your life and being invisible in someone else's large family.

In TV shows like that, everything seems to be going on in very small confines, creating a geographical intimacy, something that's quite difficult to recreate in real life.

It's fun to imagine being part of that family. Who would I be? Another sister or someone who happens to live there by other circumstances? I always imagined myself to be Lucy - the middle over-emotional but fiery child.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next instalment in that family's saga.

Being home is proving to be great, something I haven't had in a while. Unfortunately time is flying fast and before I know it, I'll have to be at work again.

A Little Annoyed

I'm a little annoyed Christine tried to change my New Year's Eve plans after I spent time organising it.

I'm a little annoyed Claudia and Mike would rather go to another party on New Year's Eve.

I'm a little annoyed I have to go buy the tickets for New Year's Eve by myself.

I'm a little annoyed I have to rush to meet Amelia at a specific time. (Although I'm very happy she's coming.)

There are many other things I feel a little annoyed about.

But even being in my 'a little annoyed' mood, I can't help but feel very lucky because I have what matters most.

The Single Girls and Me

Last night I went out with April, her friend Ella and Ella's friend Liz (also Nadine's friend). Who would've thought I would know Ella through April and through Nadine (two completely different people). But anyway...

Ella and Liz were very entertaining, especially Liz because I didn't think she had one bit of self-consciousness and said things I only wished someone would say.

We went for dinner in a little square with lots of restaurants. Since we were still early, there were waiters standing outside trying to get us to come into their restaurant. And they were all very flirty.

When we were reading one menu, a young Italian guy came out and started chatting us up so we'd go in. Unlike April and I who would just smile and keep looking at the menu, Ella and Liz were getting quite friendly.

They asked if there was anything happening in the area on Christmas and he said he'll be working all through the night and he would feel a lot better if we came because he "would love to serve" us.

We ended up moving to the next restaurant where we were served by a strange Asian lady who said, "If you're not ready, I will come back in five minutes because that's my job". A few minutes later she came back and said, "Five minutes are up, what will you order?"

When it came to picking something, Ella was even worse than me. I'm usually the one who's indecisive, but she took ages.

As we were eating dinner (which was yummy), the same lady came up and started saying how she had to work for Christmas. Liz told her about a "cute waiter next door" who will also be working so maybe they could have a "pash" after work.

April and I were a little surprised hearing Liz suggest this to a stranger.

Then the waitress said, "I have to work past midnight, then my husband's going to pick me up at 3am, but I'll have some time to go over for a pash before then."

Later, the same waitress came to our table and said, "I'm 23 years old and I'm married. Girls, don't get married! I come home from work at 12am and have to do the cooking and washing for my husband. It's horrible! I don't even remember last time I've been to a club". Ella kindly said, "Well, you can say good-bye to that now!" Even though we all laughed, I felt pretty bad for the lady.

The waitress wasn't our only entertainment during dinner. Liz was going on about her new boyfriend. How she didn't like the language he spoke (POBian) and she told him never to say anything to her in it (which would really offend me if David said the same). She also said she hated his POBian friends because they were too "POBian". She also told him they had to talk to each other every day! I found this a bit stalkerish considering they only met a month ago (on a blind date).

Listening to her made me realise that I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I was never clingy, I never made David do anything, I never tried to change him (too much) and I was always interested in his background and culture. I mean wouldn't you want to find out more about the person you're dating?

But like I said, Liz is a little strange.

What I really enjoyed though was when they said, "Sky, you're the one with the boyfriend, give us your advice!"

Even though I liked the request, I don't really like to give out advice, in case I give the wrong one. I just go with my usual "everyone's different".

After dinner, we walked past another restaurant where one of Ella's family friends was having dinner with a group of friends.. And Liz waved at him. I didn't notice this so I asked, "When we go back, can you show me who he was?" and Ella was like, "Please don't wave again!" but of course Liz smiled flirtily and waved at him again. The guy probably thought she was into him. If only he knew she was doing it just for fun.

We went to a bar. We were sitting in a booth, chatting. I loved that Liz and Ella were so open with their private lives. I love listening to those sort of stories and my friends are usually quite closed off about that stuff.

Liz started to get annoying with her, "Sky, why hasn't he called me yet! It's been 2 days!" and checking her phone every two minutes. Her boyfriend was on a holiday with his friends so I didn't want to say, "Maybe he met some hot girl and have forgotten about you." Instead I said, "If it'll make you feel better just message him with a casual 'how's it going, hope you are having fun'". And she whined, "But why can't he call? Sky, you have a boyfriend, tell me!"

Since I wasn't psychic, I told her I didn't know. He could've been busy, he could've been waiting for her to call, who knows. There could've been a hundred reasons so rather than worrying about it, I told her to try and distract herself.

The distraction came in the form of a guy who apparently went out with their friends a few years ago. She called him over and told him this. This lead to the guy trying to guess who this girl was. He went out with a lot of girls because he kept guessing wrong and couldn't remember this person. But he did manage to ask if Ella had a boyfriend and if he could have her number.

Ella said no because firstly she didn't want to go out with someone who went out with her friend and secondly he was too immature. I could tell Ella really wanted a boyfriend because she was trying to explain (more to herself than us) why this guy was wrong for her. We didn't need convincing, he seemed like a player.

She was even friendly to another guy who just invited himself to sit with us. He was drunk but he asked Ella for coffee. She said no. Unfortunately since April and I were sitting on the other side of the table, we couldn't hear a word that was exchanged between the guy, Ella and Liz. All we could see was him taking over her personal space.

If I were Ella, I'd just ignore him but she actually kept talking to him and smiling. Seeing the way she was acting made me realise that no wonder all guys were going for her. Other than the fact that she's the type of girl most males think is hot, she was just so receptive and always smiling.

While the second guy was with us, the first one kept walking past us and staring. April and I decided he was jealous and wondering why he's been replaced.

If the second guy wasn't enough, we saw Ella's family friend (who we saw earlier) in the same bar. Liz didn't hesitate to wave at him again. A little while later, he came over too. He was a bit shy and didn't know what to say after the 'How's everyone?" greeting. The first guy was still pacing back and forth in front of our table, looking at the new guy. April and I found it really amusing.

Liz wanted to dance but no one else did. I would've if there was anyone else on the dance floor. I felt pretty bad about it because I knew what it was like to want to dance when no one else wanted to join you. I think she sensed my hesitation and tried to drag me because she knew April and Ella were lost causes. Since I didn't budge, we decided to go home.

In the car, after we dropped off Liz, Ella commented how even though there were a few guys, there were no good ones. Then she asked how David and I met. I told her the story and got the same reaction I always get, "That's fate". Then she said to April, "I guess we just have to wait for it to happen and nothing we can do now". I told her that you have to be open to opportunities, that's all you can really do.

It was an odd feeling being with these single girls (who reminded me so much of old myself - the frustration, the helplessness to do anything to control the situation) and there I was with a boyfriend. Just gave me such a peaceful feeling.

Ella asked if David had any single friends. So now I have two people to set up. April's already going to be set up with someone from David's work. Now I have to find someone for Ella. The good thing with her is that I'm guaranteed that whoever I set her up with will like her. She's impossible not to like. Now I just need to find the guy.

I told April that we have to invite Ella and Liz with us all the time because they just provide so much entertainment.

Shopping with Boyfriend

Why you should never go clothes shopping with your boyfriend:
You will end up buying more than necessary because he will think everything looks great on you.

It's silly asking boyfriends for advice about that. I mean, he's your boyfriend! Of course he'll think you look great in everything.

Reflecting on 2006

This is becoming my annual blog tradition so here it is.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Belly dancing, samba

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
None, but I explored some more of my state.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A husband and a permanent job.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
David and my 1 year anniversary. We had the most incredible time. Ahh...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Proving myself at work leading to an extension of my contract. (I hope I don't jinx this and not get it extended again. A little scared.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
None I can think of!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I slammed my finger in the window and it still hurts. Also some teeth problems (my fault, ate too much chocolate)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new lovely red shoes and the dress I still haven't had a chance to wear.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
David's and April's and Claudia's.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one actually.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing David and extension of my contract at work

16. What songs will always remind you of 2006?
Heaven by Bryan Adams

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter (driving to work does that to you)
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dancing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eat unhealthy food

20. What are you glad you did more of in 2006?
Read

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Probably with my parents, grandparents and David

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, all the time.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
The POBian show, How I Met Your Mother and Desperate Housewives

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

25. What was the best book you read?
The Dirty Girls Social Club by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez. Just so satisfyingly enjoyable.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ricky Martin (no laughing! I'm in love with his Spanish songs)

27. What did you want and get?
A job in my profession

28. What did you want and not get?
An engagement/wedding

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
None. I'm very disappointed with the current state of cinema.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and I spent a wonderful evening with my closest friends at a POBian restaurant.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
An engagement/wedding

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Various - from sporty to fun to chic and anything in between

33. What kept you sane?
Nothing and no one. I was insanely in love and could not be snapped out of it.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
None

36. Who did you miss?
David

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Some women from work

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006
Enjoy the present because soon it will become the past.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

40. What will you be doing to ring in 2007?
In the city with my friends and going to visit David at work at midnight.

Another year over...

Like Being Naked in a Dream

Scenario
You are invited to a safari themed party. You are told everyone will dress up in safari suits and jungle themed clothes. Even though you don't find the theme very flattering, you go along and wear something you're not too comfortable with.

Then you arrive to find everyone dressed up in formal wear.

(Typical Bridget Jones moment.)

Do you:
a) enjoy yourself anyway because a confident smile is your best asset
b) turn around and go home
c) feel extremely uncomfortable, get in a bad mood, and don't talk to anyone

I always imagined myself to do 'a'. It's not important what you wear, it's all about the confidence. However, no matter how logical my mind was, I wanted to do 'b' but then settled on 'c'.

Not only was I upset that I was denied the rare chance of getting dressed up but I felt like everyone was thinking how strangely I was dressed (probably all in my mind). In the end, they probably thought I was some anti-social recluse not joining in even one conversation.

Ended up leaving soon after the dessert. Felt horrible and guilty for being so ridiculous and ruining what could've been a fun night. And the worst was that it wasn't only my night that was affected. That's what made me feel even more terrible.

I wanted to snap out of my vain state but I just couldn't. I just wanted to be curled up in my bed and pretend the whole night was a bad dream.

I learnt that I wasn't as strong as I thought and didn't have the confidence and will-power to make the best of a less than desirable situation. Realising that made me feel even worse and just made me want to retrieve within myself even more.

Fortunately, I was understood and got sympathy, which I didn't really deserve. When someone tries to put the fault onto themselves and make you feel better by being just so damn understanding, it makes you feel even guiltier, but it also lifts the dark cloud you feel you're under and makes you feel more sane.

Just glad the whole thing is over.

New Year

My sorrow disappeared, having left a shadow for memory
And quietly, for ever saying goodbye, day left
The whole world is waiting for a miracle, in windows of large houses
Snowed-in city will wait for its dreams

New Year, forgotten garden in the snow
I can't anymore live without you, as before
At New Year's Eve, dreams come true
Melody and you - saviour and hope

Firewood will burn in the fireplace, only ashes will be left
And you, from now on, don't hold malice for me
You'll be daydreaming of summer, your hand warming a glass
We're the only ones in the universe, I waited for you

New Year, forgotten garden in the snow
I can't live without you anymore, as before
At New Year's Eve, dreams come true
Melody and you - saviour and hope

Listening to POBian holiday songs makes me remember... the magic, childhood, chocolates in snowman shaped boxes, snow, sliding down iced hills on cardboard...

I talked to my grandma who lives there and she said it's beautiful there now. Coloured lights everywhere. But the weather is really warm for this time of year. The temperature is in positive numbers but no sun.

And here we are, cold in Australian summer.

Had a Christmas dinner with the girls last night. Ellen, Valerie and Beth were there too. Since the reunion Beth was interested in meeting up with us again. The only person missing was Amelia.

I had such a great time! April, Valerie, Beth and I couldn't stop laughing. I think Claud wanted to join in 'cause she kept looking at us but she was sitting a little too far away from us so she was stuck with Ellen and Christine.

April was in a suit, after work. I wasn't used to seeing her so business-like. I wasn't the only one because the others commented about it too. April, the lawyer, I can't quite believe it. She's loving it so I'm very happy for her.

Christine proved her tongue. She said to April, "I can't not tell you but your jacket is way too big for you. I'm sorry, but it is".

Typical. April didn't reply. It reminded me of a few years ago when Christine told April her beloved white cardigan was a grandma looking jumper and that she should get rid of it. Surprisingly, April never wore it again.

April is a very skinny person so all clothes look too big for her so it's not nice to point it out. But as always, whatever is on Christine's mind will come out of her mouth.

Beth was really funny. I haven't seen her in so long, I've forgotten how entertaining she is. She reminded me a bit of Amelia with her 'out-there' comments, but with Beth, they were said in the most innocent way.

After dinner, April and Valerie went to another party so Beth and Claudia walked me to the station. Made me once again appreciate my school friends. My uni ones would've just left me in the middle of nowhere and left, whereas Claud and Beth even offered to walk me to the actual platform. That was obviously not necessary. They told me to be careful.

While the three of us were walking, Claudia (out of all people!) started to tell me how her parents won't let her go on a holiday with Mike and they won't even let her sleepover at his house because they only have one thing on their mind. Beth pointed out that parents don't understand that their kids will find ways to do whatever they want anyway.

Then Claudia asked if David and I got one bed or if we got different rooms when we went on holidays. I tell my friends pretty much everything but whether I share a bed with my boyfriend is something that will always be private and nobody's business. I told her that getting two rooms is way too expensive and ridiculous. I also told her to tell her parents she and Mike can get two beds in a room if they want to travel.

Anyway, Mike's moving out any day now into his new place so I don't think Claudia's parents will be able to stop her from doing anything.

April and I are predicting that her moving in with him is only a matter of time.

Can't believe it's the end of the year already. I find that time seems to be flying lately. I mean, it's Christmas in a week!!!

2006: Line by Line

The object? Go back to your very first post of each month during 2006... copy the first sentence of each post you made and post that in a new thread in your blog, talking about your year in review. You'd be amazed to see what you wrote back then.

January
Happy New Year everyone!

February
What's more of an incentive to want a job other than money?

March
Job searching is so daunting for me.

April
Yesterday I felt summer ending.

June
- let her have her way (if it's not too crazy)

July
Since yesterday, I'm at my temp job full-time.

August
I saw something today that I just had to share with you.

September
I just realised that for a long time now, I've been blogging to regular readers rather than any new ones and since most of the old ones left a few months after I started going out with David, there's only about 5 people who read my blog.

October
The long weekend is almost over and even though I'm getting the "end of long-weekend blues", I know there'll be plenty more in the future.

November
Some person from David's high school has a blog where he writes about people in his grade.

December
Things change.

Lesson learnt: write more exciting first sentences.

Loss of Selfish Independence

Things change. I can no longer write what I want. This is no longer just me with only my own boundaries. This is now affected.

And I understand. I've even stopped caring too much. Can't have everything. Ever. Too many contradictions, too many double standards. Life is never squeaky clean. And I've accepted it. It makes sense that way.

I guess it's about priorities. What's more important to you? You have to pick. When you pick what makes you happiest, you realise the other thing must not be so important. This is the other thing.

Doesn't mean it's over. I can comprimise.

It's just going to be different now. That's all.

You can ask questions, you can guess, you can speculate but you won't get any answers about this from me.

The Residents of Old Life

Yesterday I visisted my grandparents.

They were telling me stories of people who lived in their building in POB. Some of them I've heard many times before but I never tire of hearing about POBian life before the 21st century.

The building my grandparents lived in was populated with artists. Musicians, actors, composers, painters, you name it. Before my grandma and grandpa got their apartment, they had to be interviewed to make sure they were the right calibre of people. My grandma said they had to show references from their managers. When they saw that both of my grandparents were engineers, they let them in.

I lived in that apartment until my brother was born and I visited many times after that. I still remember the pianist above us who would play late into the night, not letting me sleep. My grandparents said this pianist wasn't the only one who disturbed the quiet. In a different part of the building, there was a theatre actor who hosted parties after the plays, which would always run late into the night. People complained. The landlady was quite strict so usually people who didn't consider the comfort of others were dealt with.

I never liked this lady because she told off me and Ivan for building a cubby house in the bushes at the back of the house. She also told us off for annoying a group of girls who also played in front of the house. We never bothered those girls but they felt that we were using 'their space' (which was why we decided to move our play area to the bushes behind the house in the first place).

When my grandma said that there never was much trouble, my grandpa reminded her of the orgy that some girls had in their apartment with police evicting them and blood stains left on the walls.

I also remember when a very rich family moved in on the first floor. The girl was driven to school (5 minutes away) in a black limousine and guards never left her side. I saw the father from my grandparents' fifth floor kitchen window but don't remember the mother. I think the father was a diplomat.

These were just some of the people who coloured the landscape of that building's life in the late 80s. There was also a doctor who gave us check-ups when we were little and with whose kids we played, the ordinary piano teacher who introduced me to the conservatism of a music school, the old friendly high school Art teacher who got sick and died and a myriad of other people that will always be fragments in my memory.

Another Anniversary

Last Monday was David's and my 1 1/2 year anniversary. It might not be a big deal to people who've been together for years but it is a bit of a big deal for us.

I met him in the city after work. He was wearing a suit because he went to the parliament for some youth conference. He was very hyped up afterwards and his excitement was contagious. I was really happy he was being active in something that he was passionate about.

I met him in the legal area of the city and he could've easily passed for a lawyer finishing work. He said I looked like a uni student.

We had a nice dinner of Spanish/Latin American food. It was very yummy (and overpriced). We were acting out such a cliche date. We clinked glasses of sangria and held hands across the table, staring into each other's eyes.

I couldn't help but comment on the whole scenario. I said, "I guess we have to act like grown-ups at least sometimes".

He got me a present which was a bit embarrassing 'cause I didn't get him anything. He got me something I've always wanted but would never get for myself. As you might know, I'm a chocoholic and he got me a box of assorted gourmet dark chocolates. He told me that when he went into the store, the first question he was asked was "What's your budget?" He continued, "I thought, you gotta be kidding me, it's chocolate, not a car!"

Even though recently I've been going on about how much I love POBian chocolate, the one he got me was just as delicious. Dark ganache, praline...

He caught the train with me that day and I couldn't lean on his shoulder long enough 'cause we kept talking.

Don't know why but lately I felt like I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms as soon as David leaves. I don't know what to do with myself. I just waaaaaant him. Talking on the phone just makes it worse 'cause I can' t hang up. We talked for at least 2 hours last night. Then when I went to sleep, he called me again "to say good night" which lead to another conversation.

David has started to consider continuing working his new job (which he hasn't started yet) full-time and study part-time because he doesn't want to lose the opportunities that job can bring him. That gave me hope that maybe we can move our 'plans' to an earlier date. Wish he would just figure that out himself without me hinting.

I'll have to wait till he starts the job to see if it's worth changing his studies to part-time. If it's not going to provide him with enough relevant experience, it's not worth it.

Thinking about him working nights started my selfish thoughts to come to the surface. How we won't be able to do stuff during the day 'cause he'll be sleeping and how I'd want to sleep at night when he'd be fully awake.

Anyway, I'm sure everything will be fine.

I just miss him like crazy, especially that I haven't talked to him properly today since he was so tired he went to sleep at 9pm.

I can feel myself turning into a crazy person, addicted to a person and not being able to concentrate on anything else. And there's nothing I can do to stop this obsession.

High School Reunion

High school reunion was SO much fun! People I wanted to catch up with most didn't show up which was a bit disappoining but I enjoyed checking out everyone. Not like you can come up to someone you haven't seen in 5 years and ask them about their personal life but watching everyone was great too.

Some people looked the same, others just 5 years older. What surprised me most was how the girl who had a 2 year old child hasn't changed one bit since she was 18! She looked exactly the same. Gave me hope that having kids doesn't necessarily make you look older.

It was also interesting to see who brought partners. One girl surprised me and brought a girlfriend. When we saw them come in, we recognised the girl from our school but couldn't rembember who the other one was. She was wearing a tiny black dress and knee high black leather boots. Then we realised she was the partner of the girl from our school.

One weird girl asked me straight out how my love life was (while David and Mike were entertaining each other elsewhere) and it was so great to reply, "Oh, you haven't met my boyfriend, have you?" The shock in her eyes was very satisfying. I bet she only asked me because she expected me to say I didn't have anyone.

As soon as I went to introduce her to David and Mike, Mike blurted out, "So you are the famous one?" and I had to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about. Seriously men don't understand the concept of gossip. After she left, I told him that yes, that was the girl who studied law, was in the army and did pole dancing (great combination, I know).

Later, when I went back to talk to April and Claudia and we were discussing of ways to get the weird girl to talk about pole dancing (since we only knew from Amelia), Claudia said, "Look, she's picking up our boyfriends" and yes, that girl was chatting to David and Mike. When Claudia and April went to talk to someone else from our school, I went to talk to Mike, David and the weird girl.

As soon as I got there, the girl looked at me anxiously and asked, "How do they know I do pole dancing?" I couldn't believe the guys brought it up!!! I really didn't want to put Amelia in a bad position. After I managed to make the whole thing seem really casual, we talked about it.

After she left, I asked the guys why they had to ask her about that! And Mike was like, "Weren't we supposed to?" and David said, "We ran out of things to talk about". I don't think there's one manipulative backstabbing bone in either of those guys' bodies.

The reunion made me realise that the people I'm friends with I see anyway and I didn't have many friends I lost touch with. It was great to catch up with Allison though, and Beth (who was also quite surprised that Claudia and I had boyfriends for so long).

Mike asked me if I was quiet at school (probably 'cause people weren't running up to talk to me) and I was embarrassed to tell him that I was so I said I was like Claudia. He was really nice about it and told me that he didn't even go to his school reunion because one person he wanted to see didn't go. I was happy he kept me company while David was talking to another girl's boyfriend. Mike is the only guy whose personality I quite like but cannot even imagine being with. I never thought there'd ever be a guy who I could just be friends with.

I actually felt a little weird talking to David and Mike most of the time. In any other situation I would've been quite happy to be with the guys but that day it seemed kinda pathetic. I wonder if the other girls thought anything of it.

Afterwards, David, Mike, Claudia and I went for dinner. It was really great to go out with another couple (one I really like).

I don't know how David did it but he managed to get out more interesting gossip than me. He told me the boyfriends he talked with didn't see their relationships as very serious. He told me one guy was going overseas for a year and his girlfriend was staying here because he wanted to go and do his own thing.

I was a little upset when he told me that he jokingly said to another guy, "This place is full of girls and you can't do anything about it". I told him that when he said stuff like that it reflected badly on me, like I had a boyfriend who didn't really care about me.

Later he told me that there were so many girls but there was no one as hot as me. I couldn't believe he said it 'cause there were plenty of nice looking girls. When I gave him examples, he said, "Don't remember any of those. They weren't anything special". I knew he was probably just saying that but I couldn't help feel a little exhilirated because I wanted to believe that he really thought that way.

I was a bit sad that David couldn't catch the train back to my house with me 'cause it was late and a long journey. I closed my eyes and imagined David sitting next to me, with his arm around me and leaning on his shoulder.

The next day, I wished I could relive the reunion 'cause the feeling of seeing so many familiar faces which you haven't seen in years is undescribable.

Late Night Chatter

It's half past midnight and I don't want to sleep.

This is amazing as I usually start to get sleepy around 10pm and fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.

Don't know what's so different about today.

My parents had a party so I went to David's house. We had a bit of an argument. I think he wishes I was more of an activist and cared about the state of the world, people and environment. And not only cared but tried to do something to improve it.

I had to explain to him that's just not in my personality. I'm too selfish. I only care about people I love and not strangers on the other side of the world. I don't believe I can make a change so I'm not motivated to do anything. I know I can make people around me happier so that's something I try to do. I doubt sending money to some child in poverty is going to make any difference. I don't trust charities and don't believe the money goes where it's supposed to.

He got quite upset and said that ignoring the 'problem' was being part of the 'problem'. I told him I didn't see any 'problem' and was quite happy and satisfied with things the way they were. He got agitated and said, "Are you happy that people are getting killed and we're wrecking the environment?!" I replied, "I don't see how I caused people to be killed" and he said, "You support governments who do that". That really angered me for obvious reasons. And then, he had the nerve to accuse me of 'accepting things the way they are and not questioning anything'. I mean, honestly! This coming from a guy who believes in God.

Anyway, same old argument again. Got resolved in the same old way. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

I noticed that David and I are in a new phase of our relationship. We no longer have the intense urge to talk to each other every second we're together. We're quite happy doing our own thing, as long as we're in the same vacinity.

For example, on Thursday night when David was here, I was chatting to April online while he was watching the news.

I guess this could be attributed to the fact that we've been seeing each other almost every day and don't feel like we have to make the most of every minute.

To be honest, before I used to be scared that we'd be the sort of couple who doesn't talk all the time they're together and who doesn't desperately need to spend every second with each other. I thought that meant that we don't find each other as fascinating as we once did and that the 'spark' was gone. But now I realise that I love what we have now. We've reached that sort of comfort level with each other where we don't need to speak all the time, we're happy to be silent, as long as the other one is near by.

We now accept each other a lot more. We know each other a lot better so there's no need to talk about ourselves as much. Before we used to talk non-stop about what our lives were like before we met. Now we know all that. We know when the other is upset or why without saying a word. I feel unconditionally loved so don't care about feeling grumpy or irritable in front of him. I know he won't leave me over it.

He puts up with me even when I'm not in the easiest mood. During those times he calls me his 'grumpy ant'. I asked him, "Why ant?" and he said, "'Cause you're small and a hard worker". I told him I didn't know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment.

He learnt how to say 'darling' in POBian and continually practices it. It's adorable. I asked him how to say 'darling' in Spanish and he said "Papi chulo". So I called him that for a while, every time 'causing him to burst into laughter. I said, "Is it my accent?" and he replied, "Yes, baby, it's the accent. You say it so cute".

Then I decided to look it up because I had my suspicions about what it meant. Google it and you'll see what I mean. That cheeky boy. Even though now I know it doesn't mean 'darling', I say it anyway just to make him laugh. It never fails.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow... I miss him like crazy already.

He really wanted me to stay over but I felt uncomfortable doing that 'cause that meant he had to sleep in his sister's room.

Can't wait till our weekend away (in 2 weeks)!

Went to the dance class today and there were only two other girls there so some other instructors joined in. I started feeling really uncomfortable because not only were they excellent dancers but they also looked hot. All fit and toned and tanned. Even though I'm pretty average, I felt huge and jiggly.

I told David about it later and he said, "Man, they're plain! They've got nothing to show. You're beautiful. Flat skinny girls are ugly. I hate that look. You're perfect. I love the way you look." Although that was kinda offensive to flat skinny girls, it made me feel better 'cause as you can probably tell, I'm not very secure with how I look. And I'm not built to be skinny. Although I could definitely tone up.

I came up with a resolution for next year on my way back to the train station. I need to smile more. All the dancers were beaming the whole time while my face was neutral. I don't think smiling comes naturally to me. I feel fake always smiling. I wish I was a smiley person, you know the type. They always got a smile glued to their face, making them appear very inviting and friendly and warm.

People probably think I'm not happy 'cause I don't smile for no reason.

Well, now I'm getting sleepy. Good night!

The Aura

Some people have an aura. You know, the type of people you glance back at and wonder what their life is like.

One person with an aura is my neighbour. Not the guy I mentioned many posts ago who I had a crush on, but his younger sister (my brother's age).

As I was driving up the driveway, she was standing in front of her house, probably waiting for someone to pick her up. She was wearing some short flowery pattern dress that tied around her neck. She had a great natural tan and sun-coloured sandy brown hair. If it wasn't her natural summer look, it must've been her pose that drew me in. She was kind of rolling from one foot to the other in a child-like sort of way and craning her neck to the side, looking into the distance.

My mind wandered...

She was waiting for her boyfriend. It was probably another one of her guy friends that declared his feelings for her. She kinda liked him 'cause he was cute and a little hot, in a surfie sort of way.

They were going to a friend's party. It was going to be loud with a large crowd. She knew most of them. Everyone would come to talk to her because everyone loved her. She was the popular girl.

There'd be some girlfriend of hers with a broken heart who'd confide to her in the bathroom. Of course she'd make her feel better, probably bitch about the guy who broke her friend's heart and then gossip about someone else. They'd hug and go back to the party.

She'd dance. And get a little drunk. She'd be loud and laugh a lot. She'd make out with her boyfriend in the corner.

Next day, she'd be at her house. Her older sister and her brother with his wife would come for dinner. She'd talk with her Mum while making salad.

They'd sit outside and have a cosy family dinner.

Her life would be perfect.

Now that I can snap out of someone else's imaginary life, I will go back to my own quite happy (if not as socially busy) life.

Not Our Song

David asked me, "What's out song?" and I had to tell him I didn't know. There's no one single song that's 'us'. There are many which remind me of David but nothing that describes us perfectly or have a special meaning to us.

If we had 'our song', it would make you want to dance, to laugh, to cry. It would be about friendship, surprises, lust, eternity. It would be upbeat but have a subtle deep meaning. It would be about natural love, no tackiness. It would have a Latin rhythm, POBian soul and a universal heart.

Lily and Marshall

Did I say just how much I love How I Met Your Mother?

And did I say how much David loves it too? We both watch it with great enjoyment.

A while ago I asked my brother (who also likes it) who his favourite character was and he immediately replied, "Ted," because he could relate to the nice sweet guy who wanted to meet 'the one'. A little later I asked April (who also watches the show) the same question. She replied, "Ted" for the reason of wanting to find 'the one'.

Personally I liked Marshall because he reminded me of David, the really intelligent guy who's a kid at heart.

Last night I asked David who his favourite character was and he said, "Lily because she reminds me of you".

I think we're becoming more perfect for each other with every second.

The Case of the 'Right' Bra

Shopping for bras is not my favourite activity. Especially when I need those every day ones, not the cute pretty ones ('cause shopping for those is a lot more fun).

The reason for my distaste for such activity is that I find it nearly impossible to find ones that are comfortable and 'effective' (girls, you know what I mean). It's almost the same as trying to find a pair of great jeans.

A couple of years ago, I've stumbled on what can only be said as singly the best bra ever (for me). And for $10!!! I think it might've been even a bit less. I cannot even describe my satisfaction at how perfectly it fitted me and how great it looked under clothes, while looking good without them too. Anyway, don't want to go into the details of that.

Being the wise 18/19 year old (however old I was at that point), I've brought four (all they had in the store at the time), having read in some column how quickly the styles of bras changed, making it impossible to get your hands on a new version of the style you've grown to love.

Now, after about 3 years, I'm almost up to my last new bra of that style and I'm getting a little anxious as I found out after emailing the maker (yes, that's how desperate I got) that the style has been out of stores for a couple of years now and was suggested to look for other styles to suit my taste! A man wrote that. He obviously doesn't understand the pain of trying to find a perfect bra.

I've started looking in stores for other ones but nothing even comes close to the one I already have. Sure, there are some 'ok' ones but I don't want them. I just don't like them.

Times like these I wish I was a guy. Or with magical breasts that fitted perfectly into every bra.

At the Dance Class

My Saturday morning dance class is dimishing with every lesson. Only 5 people (including me) came today.

I tried to be friendly and asked, "How's it going?" to a woman (a little older than me) and she immediately replied, "Had a date last night!" I was surprised that she said that 'cause I would be scared of sounding like someone who never goes out on any to point it out like that.

I asked her where which lead to her telling me she lived only a suburb away from me. When we were talking I mentioned that I used to go to Salsa lessons last year but not anymore, even though I'd like to do it and she said, "Oh, come with me!" I just smiled.

Do you think it would've sounded weird if I said, "I don't want to without my boyfriend"?

The instructor (a gorgeous smiley girl) was telling us about her social life and how she was performing in a show tonight. I felt some envy. I wanted to be that gorgeous, dance that well and perform in a show. I noticed she had a face that even though was nothing spectacular in its features, looked really good put together. Maybe her dancer's personality shined through which gave her that happy glowing look.

Oh Gosh, listen to me. I'm like some jealous bitter woman. I guess I just like imagining what it'd be like to have a really exciting life.

Useless Shoes Dilemma

Today at lunch, at the shopping centre, I was internally debating the merits of having green shoes.

Recently something hit me that made me want to buy yellow shoes to match a yellow top (something I don't have). I imagined myself in this bright summery look for a couple of weeks now.

Then today, at Sportsgirl, I saw really nice bright green shoes. I thought to myself that green might also look well with jeans and a green top (something I do have).

The problem with highly saturated coloured shoes is that you have to wear something of the exact same shade of colour. I mean, bright green shoes will not look good with a pale green top.

I only have one bright green top that would go with those shoes so it seems like a waste of money to buy shoes which I could only wear with one top.

As I was standing there, I thought what I'm sure lots of other people think when they want to buy something that's not really necessary, "Do I really need them?" Of course I don't. But, "Will I regret not buying them?" and enjoying this stage of my life when I can be a victim of fashion and not look ridiculous? I mean, will I regret not enjoying fashion as a young woman, when I turn 40?

Those questions were followed by "Do I want to spend almost $100 on shoes I probably won't be able to wear in a few months when they go out of fashion?", "I'm sure I can find something that I could wear for longer for that much money".

I left the shopping centre without those shoes, but now I'm thinking, "Would the same style in red be better to buy?"

The Start of David's Career

David got the job, David got the job! Yippee!

He called my mobile while I was driving to work. I thought he was going to say that he got asked to work today and couldn't come over tonight but when I called him back, he told me the great news.

I'm so excited! And so is he.

He's actually going to get career-related experience.

One little problem: he has to work at night (like 11pm-7am). Of course we both knew it and even though there's no way I would ever be able to do that, David feels confident that he can handle it. He said he'll work at night, sleep in the morning and see me in the afternoon.

I just hope he doesn't wear himself out.

Anyway, it's not forever so hopefully he'll be ok. He's young and strong.

Fingers crossed he won't have to work on New Year's Eve (which is a high possibility). If he does, I'm already thinking how I can come to his work. I have this vision of me turning up with... something sparkly in my hand and saying "Happy New Year!". Of course he'd get all excited that I was there and it'd be a night we'd always look back on.

Tonight we went to his step-sister's daughter's house to wish her youngest daughter a happy birthday. David got the perfect present. He told me that the 3 year old girl told him she liked Dora so he got her a Dora bath toy (the rubber one that floats). She even had flippers and her little companion.

Now I'm home, without him. But the good thing is that he's coming over tomorrow after work so I don't have to wait too long.

Between the Lines

David finished his exams today. I don't know who's happier, him or me.

We can again see each other as often as we like. Which is pretty much all the time.

Went to his house straight after work today. Got there just as he was coming back from picking up his Mum. After saying hello, his Mum asked, "Where's the kiss?" I didn't understand what she was talking about. David was just saying, "Muuum!" Then she repeated more clearly, "Why didn't you give each other a kiss? David, give Sky a kiss!"

How embarrassing! I guess I should understand why David has no issues with displays of public affection. Although that obviously doesn't include his parents.

I wonder if his Mum thinks we are not very affectionate. But just 'cause you don't see something, doesn't mean it never happens.

Later we were chatting and David was telling me about giving advice to some guy at uni. This guy liked a girl who wasn't really into him and was quite upset about it. David told him, "You have to move on. There are plenty of other chicks". Also, since this guy wasn't very good looking, David added, "Girls don't really pay attention to how you look. What they want is someone confident and funny. You got the funny thing going but I look at you and the confidence isn't showing".

I told David I was impressed with his advice because from my own perspective, he understands exactly what girls want. Well, what I want. I told him that I agreed that looks aren't that important, it's more about how the guy makes her feel.

Then I said, "If you seem to know what girls want, tell me what guys want". He replied, "That's more difficult because some guys just want a root, some want a casual relationship. I want a serious one."

I said, "Ok then, what advice would you have given me when I was single?"

He answered, "You hung out with the wrong people. April is too depressing and she never wants to go anywhere. Amelia is outgoing but she scares guys off. She never gives them a chance because she thinks they all want one thing. Your uni friends just hang out with each other. You needed to meet different people. I think you were always at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Then I said, "Except the one when it really mattered".

We wondered where we would have been had we not met each other.

After dinner, we went to see Little Miss Sunshine. Very nice film.

We agreed to meet tomorrow. Can't wait!

(It's weird, as I was writing this post, I tried to give it a sense of what happened but now I realise I missed all the stuff that made time with David as wonderful as it was. You might just have to read between the lines).

Black and White

As people who read this would know, I'm in a multi-racial relationship. Even though that's technically the truth, I don't feel it all. Probably because when I think of 'multi-racial' relationships, I imagine a very dark African man and a fair blonde woman. Or a Caucasian guy and an Asian woman. Just two people who look very obviously different.

And although David and I are different, it's not that obvious. We could pass for two Europeans. What I mean is people wouldn't notice our difference in the streets.

A couple of days ago, David said to me, "I don't think our kids would look like me. They'll be white". I told him that wasn't necessarily true, they could get his genes. Then David said that they'd probably be white because half his genes are from his Dad who had brown hair, fair skin and green eyes.

I asked him if he cared and he said something I didn't expect. He said, "This may sound racist but I'd prefer if they were white, they'd have less problems if they go overseas".

He said that even in South America he experienced discrimination because of his skin colour. That shocked me because he's pretty fair for a Latin American guy. He explained that even in South America there's discrimination against dark coloured people since there are plenty of Caucasian looking people.

I remembered seeing on Oprah that even Africans prefer lighter shades of brown so maybe the South American thing is similar.

We are so lucky to live in Australia where most people couldn't care less what you look like or where you're from. David's Native Indian/Hispanic look is a big reason why I'm worried about taking him to POB where he would really stand out and may attract unwanted attention.

Whatever our kids look like, be it white, black or in the middle, I'm sure they will be gorgeous and most importantly I hope that they're healthy and happy.