The Existance of a Human

Tonight I attempted again to tell David how I felt. After it failed, something happened that made me feel happy that I didn't say. He told me (as part of our discussion) that if I ever get an abortion, he'd say good-bye because he felt so strongly about it. I told him I would get one if I wasn't planning for a child. He was shocked to hear it, even though I was pretty sure I told him my stance on this subject. I got upset because I couldn't believe he would leave me over an unplanned pregnancy that I would choose to terminate. I mean, I just don't see a few cells that would form into a baby a real person and therefore I don't see it as murder.

Then, it occurred to me why he felt like that. I remembered that he was the result of an unplanned pregnancy and he wouldn't be alive if his 18 year old (at the time) mother would've had an abortion. It all made sense. To think that if she didn't have him, David wouldn't exist makes me shiver. I would still be boyfriendless with no hope of ever finding RG. (Yeah yeah, selfish me.)

Even though I understood where he was coming from, I couldn't shake off that feeling of how easy it would be for him to just walk away. I was feeling pretty upset and thinking how glad I was I didn't declare my love for him. I couldn't even look at him because I just didn't know what to say.

But then, he just moved closer, took my hands and said that it's not like that would ever happen to us. I told him that was not the point. What if there were other things that we haven't thought of that would also make it easy for him to leave. He said there wasn't anything else. When he asked me what was still upsetting me, I told him that I couldn't believe he wouldn't even consider staying. Then I told him how many things I've changed my opinion on because of him. Like, before there was no way I'd be in a relationship with a guy who believed in God or someone who used to smoke but I liked him so much I decided that I could live with those things and it upset me that he would have no problem leaving. Then he said that of course he'd consider it first.

It was so much easier when I wasn't so attached to him. I wouldn't be so upset over it. I'd just remind myself that our relationship was temporary. But now it's so scary. The potential for getting hurt has increased exponentially. I'm starting to get so insecure about how he feels and whether he stopped liking me as much as he did before.

I said that I didn't think we had the same values and that's the basis for a successful relationship (or at least that's what they say). He disagreed and said we had a lot of the same values like we valued family, we valued friends, education and we valued life. He made us sound like one of those all-the-time-happy people.

Later, I accidentally said I loved him. I don't think he even noticed. I was actually thinking of saying it as if it just came out but every time I thought of it, I'd think it'd sound too forced so it was really weird how it just came out of my mouth. Then I said that I liked him so much I wouldn't even use the word 'like'. He laughed, hugged me and said that I was really sweet. Well, great response. At least I know he doesn't love me yet. That's ok, I can live with that. I don't regret saying it because it was true.

Today was the first day in a long while when I had some doubt that we could work long-term.