When Sadness is Attractive

David: I like when you get upset.

How the hell was I supposed to take that?

I forgot how to control myself last night and started to get really bossy but it was for his own good. I was trying to make him get a proper night's sleep before his exam because he told me that he studies the night before the exam and doesn't get much sleep. I was trying to tell him that studying will be useless if he's tired during the exam. I almost made him promise that he will sleep properly. My persuasiveness started to annoy him. That made me realise that he was an adult and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to. I explained that I was just getting carried away because I was starting to care too much for him and feeling very attached and that I'd try to care less and detach myself.

He said he didn't want me to do that because it made him feel really special that I cared but he knew what he was capable of. That shut me up because there was nothing else I could say to that, except, "Good night". I was ready to hang up but he was like, "Are you upset? Your voice always changes when you get upset" so I told him I was upset and started babbling again about how I just wanted the best for him blah blah blah and that I realised I couldn't force him to do anything.

This was when he told me he liked when I got upset, while smiling (which I could hear through the phone). That flared me up and I said, "Are you saying you don't want me to be happy?!" and he just started laughing and said, "It's just cute when you get all flustered". And seriously, what are you supposed to say to that? Am I supposed to be mad and angry? Because for some strange reason that was hard to master.

It made me wonder if he thought my getting upset was cute in the same way I thought it was sexy when his face went dark when he got upset because he cared. I think we're too twisted for our own good to find each other's sadness attractive.

We are going to meet at uni on Friday. I haven't been there since that fateful night. I suggested we meet at the same bus stop we met the first time and catch the same bus. That would be so weird. We even imagined replaying our first meeting. I was going to innocently wait at the bus stop and he would come and ask me about the last bus. In the end he said he wanted to bring his car so we could stay out longer and that he could spend more time with me.

Sometimes I still remember my life before him and I can't imagine how weird it is to be where I am now. I mean I have a boyfriend! Of four months! (So I know, it's not that long for most people) but it's long enough for me. I feel like I'm living in a blur right now, which is relfected in my entries which have no structure or point to them, other than to rant about David.

It's like when really fat people lose a lot of weight but still feel fat inside. Even though I have a relationship, I can't get used to not being single. I was so used to that constant feeling of loneliness of not having a partner that it's hard for me to feel like my current life is really mine. You'd think four months would be long enough to get used to it, and in a way I can't imagine my life without David anymore, but something inside still feels like this is not really happening.