Feeling Rejected

Feeling Rejected

Well, of course I didn't go for an hour walk at 6am. I opened my eyes at 6:45 and closed them again.

When I got up, I did my one page portfolio. I love deadlines 'cause they force me to work faster. I worked straight till 3pm since I had to send it off by five. Had a moment of panic when it wouldn't convert to PDF. But I figured it out. Wasnt satisfied with it at all. I tried to fit in too much on one page, making it difficult for the layout to look focused. I'm not going to be surprised if I don't hear back from this company.

On the bright side I got an interview at the place where I called last week. It's a stupid receptionist/administrator role but it's at a film production company. Not expecting anything but at least it's something to think about job-wise this week.

Last night I tried to organise a get-together with my school friends since I haven't seen them in a really long time. Claudia already emailed back to say she's busy with uni work. Great. Finally when I get a free weekend everyone's busy. Well, except April. I'll probably just end up seeing her. It's odd, I'm not even that interested seeing them, it's more of just wanting to do something. Plus I get this feeling that other than April, the others are not that interested in meeting up. Kinda sad. I remember I used to see Amelia every week but now haven't spoken to her for months. And I never feel like seeing Christine alone. In a group, she's good for getting taboo discussions going but alone, I find her hard to relax with. I always get tense because she has this judgemental annoyed vibe, when she's the last person who should judge anyone.

Anyway, I'm just frustrated that no one really cares about keeping in touch, even though they say they do. Every time I talk to Claudia, she always says we should meet up but every time I say a specific date, she's busy. And I don't remember the last time Amelia organised anything.

I'm glad I can take comfort in knowing that at least David always wants to see me. He said that I'm not like my friends at all. And even though deep down I always knew that, I kind of ignored that fact and just enjoyed their company. Maybe I was forcing myself to have a good time. Well, other than April and Amelia. Claudia and Christine just add to the number of the group and the fun which comes from just having more people. I know it sounds horrible but I always felt it, just never articulated it. Sure Claudia is nice to talk to but I can never have really deep discussions with her because she never shares anything personal about herself. And there's only a point when small talk can be bearable.

I know David isn't really like me either but for some mysterious reason we find a way to connect on some invisible level. Maybe if he joked back with me and played along to my verbal games, the connection would be clearer. But every time I start, he knows I'm doing it but rather than responding in the same way, he just laughs and acts like I'm some kid being silly. Rarely he might say something sharp back and I always think, "So he is capable" which satisfies me enough.