Another Love

I'm tired. I have a headache. I'm feeling hot and eeky. I had an absolutely excellent day at work and I'm in love with my job.

Today was busy busy. But I loved it! Being the procrastinator that I am, you'd think I'd hate having so much work. But the work was so varied and interesting that I felt a sense of accomplishment as I completed each task (while having fun doing them). Now I'm excited about tomorrow when I'll have to continue with the projects that I've started.

Our manager took the whole team to lunch to welcome me and another lady who started today. It feels great to join a small but close-knit team.

Just Happy

Just Happy

And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me

- "Thank You", Dido

David has such a way with words that his grammar/spelling errors seem completely irrelevant. He sent me such a touching SMS from the concert (to which he went with his sister), I couldn't take my eyes off my mobile phone. (Sounds kinda sad now that I write it like that, but anyway.)

I feel really loved right now. I know I'm going to go insane (more so than usual) from not seeing him until he finishes his exams (in 2 weeks).

Hmm, how odd - POBian radio is playing Spanish songs.

It's so grey and gloomy outside right now. I used to love this weather when it matched my mood. But now I love it because it doesn't spoil how happy and sunny I feel inside, knowing that I have David and he's as crazy about me as I am about him.

Plus I can't wait till Monday to go to work!

Can life get any better?

Thursday - Surprise!

In the morning I called the girl from my temp work to say good-bye and thank her for making the job so much easier and fun. She congratulated me on finding a job but said she was really upset that I wasn't coming on Friday because she was going to get me flowers! How sweet is that! I told her I wished I could take her (and the other girl) to my new job. I'm going to really miss them. Hopefully we can stay in touch.

I spent most of the rest of my day trying to find work clothes. In the morning I thought I'd quickly drop into the nearest Westfield for an hour or so and just go to a couple of cheap stores. Of course when I got there, I couldn't resist going into almost every single store that could have something I was looking for. However, being the picky person that I am, I only got two tops, hollywood tape (something I've always wanted to try) and foot petals (pads for shoes to prevent blisters). The last thing was quite necessary because hopefully they would alleviate the phobia of the pain of wearing nice work shoes.

I don't even want to go complaining about the pain of wearing (especially walking in) hard shoes with heels every day, but I will anyway. Sure they look good, but when your feet get sore and tired, you stop caring about their visual appeal. I also can't accept wearing those sheer socks (to go with those shoes). I was whinging to my Mum about this and she just said, "You're such a child!" I really don't see how my practicality is immature.

Got home with a headache so felt sleepy at around 8:30. Didn't want to go to sleep until calling David though because it was our 5 months anniversary and I wanted to talk to him. Thursdays he gets home at around 8:30/9:00 so I was going to wait till nine to call him and go to bed. Especially that I had to wake up early on Friday to go to work. At a little before nine, David messaged me to tell me that he was going to call me at 9:30. His message reminded me of how on Wednesday he told me he was planning on surprising me by telling me he was going to call at 7 but actually coming to my house instead, and then he regretted saying it 'cause he thought now I'd expect it.

So after getting his message on Thursday, I thought that there was no way he was going to come to my house straight after uni and so late. At around 9:30pm (when I changed into my pyjamas and was ready to go to sleep 'cause my headache got worse), I got a call from him. From right outside my house!

It took me a few minutes to realise where he was calling from. Then when he said he was at my house I wouldn't believe him, until I heard someone talking outside my window. It was weird, I got embarrassed that all the neighbours would hear him. Reminded me of one of those movies where a guy makes a fool out of himself in front of lots of people to show how much he likes a girl. Even though when I watched these movies, I'd always think, "Ohh, that's so sweet", since Thursday I've been thinking how embarrassing it was. I didn't want the neighbours hearing David in front of my house saying, "It's a beautiful night, don't you think?" (Ok, so maybe it's not that bad.)

He must've felt a little disappointed when I said I had a headache and couldn't wait to go to sleep. How was I supposed to know he was already here!

He came in and we chatted for about half an hour. I felt so bad that it would take longer for him just to get here and back, then actually stay here. He said it was worth it.

When my Mum saw him, she thought something was wrong because it was so unexpected of him to come and my parents are not used to such acts of spontaneity. But neither am I. Can't say I didn't love seeing him before going to sleep.

Friday - Dream Come True

The great thing about this time of year is that it's not so hard waking up early. I was just as nervous going to my first day at work as I was going to the interview. I didn't want to disappoint them and make them regret hiring me. I was also worried that it was going to be really full on as they warned me.

So I was pleasantly surprised that it was very relaxed. First they got me to talk to the publisher who was a bit suspicious of me at first, but warmed up after I told her I shared her interest in paper dolls and was interested in publishing. She told me she'll have plenty for me to help her out with. Great, I get to have some experience in publishing too! I did a few little jobs helping out which were pretty easy. Then I helped the director with his presentation and did a very simple graphic for him which everyone was really impressed with (since they didn't realise how easy it was to make). (Sally told me earlier this week never to tell anyone how easy something was, let them appreciate you, which I thought was very good advice.)

The office manager (who I thought was around my age but turned out to be in her late 20s) took me to lunch which was great. She wasn't as interesting to chat to as the girl from my last temp job but it was good to have someone to talk with. She told me her ex was from the same country as David and asked me if he let me go out without him. How offensive, I wouldn't let a guy tell me what to do.

After lunch the director left so the rest of us (office manager, publisher and salesperson) were chatting. Even though we were all different ages, it was easy to take part in the conversation. Everyone was very friendly and had nice senses of humour.

Wish I could retell more specific anecdotes of what happened but can't take the risk of anyone there recognising me.

The highlight of my day (other than impressing everyone with my work and being told that I was going to a conference with the director and the publisher, without anyone else) was when I saw my email footer (something I never got at temp jobs) and it had my name and underneath it said, "Marketing Coordinator". Yay, I have a title!

Since I was the youngest and least experienced, I felt like I was below the other people but I guess I should at least act like I have an important role, because in reality I do.

After work, David called to tell me he was going to meet me and my friends later tonight 'cause he was going to go out with Miguel (since he was moving overseas). After I told him how much I loved my first day at work, he said he could tell I was a lot happier and it was rubbing on him and making him feel excited too.

When I got home I told Andy how excellent my day was and he teased me, "Why? Did you meet a guy? Oh wait, you have a boyfriend."

Met up with Claudia and Mike at 10:30pm and joined them in waiting for Amelia. She was supposed to call us when she got to the city. Claudia and Mike were so cute together and it was great to talk to them. After waiting for half an hour, Amelia still didn't call so Claudia rang her to see where she was. No answer. We messaged her to tell her to meet us at the club. Then we met David and went to our planned destination. It was such a couply night, like a double date. Amelia would've felt left out. The music was pretty good so we danced till early hours in the morning. Still no contact from Amelia which started to really worry us. I mean, what could've happened to prevent her from letting us know where she was.

After David and I said good-bye to Claudia and Mike, we went to his car, where he looked at me and said he loved me. Clearly. There was no mistake about it. And I was so happy I've decided I felt the same beforehand so I said, "Me too". It was perfect.

When we got to my house, he said, "Did I tell you how pretty you are tonight?" so I told him, "Yes, twice" and he said, "Oh... You're just so perfect". Of course I know that I'm not but I chose to believe that he thought I was.

Every time something so wonderful happens, I think of my old single self and get excited for my old self that this is what I'll be getting in the future (i.e. now) and that that pain of loneliness will not be forever. And the fact that I am in this future now makes me so much happier.

Today - More Good News?

I called my naturopath today to see if she has received my results for the metal toxicity test and whether I should restock on my old medication or wait for her plan of action. She told me she had the results and there was some good news. It was obvious from the results what was wrong and she just wanted to call the place (that sent them) to see how the problem can be fixed.

I don't want to start getting excited about the possibility of curing my urticaria because even if she found the cause of it, there might not be a solution. But it's hard. The thought of being in normal health again is too exciting.

So Hot Right Now

There is nothing like a boyfriend to lift your self-esteem.

When I met David today, after my interview, it was probably around 30 degrees. I was wearing my 'interview clothes' which are never suited to heatwaves. All I could think of was a place with air conditioning or any shade. When David saw me, he put his arm around me and said, "Hey, you're hot" so I got embarrassed that he felt I was sweaty or stinky or something so I was like, "Sorry, but it's boiling hot" and he said, "I meant the other 'hot'". Ok then, any trace of my ugly day has evaporated.

It's such a weird thing to be thought of as 'hot'. I guess it's still the inner-single me talking. But it's such an odd phenomenon on what different people find hot. I remember ages ago, one of Nadine's attractive guy friends said he thought her very unattractive girl friend was hot. I just couldn't understand what he saw. Frankly, neither did the drunk girl. Then you get people who start to see their partners as totally hot when before they saw them as just ordinary.

Is there a universal meaning of hotness? What is hot (in this context) anyway? A person can be described as beautiful/handsome but not hot. Or a person can be hot but not pretty/cute. This can become quite a multi-layered issue that I'm sure someone could write a thesis on. (People have written about less significant topics.) Is it just a trendy word for 'sexy' or is it an adjective in a league of its own?

Well, whatever it is, I wouldn't mind being referred to as just that.

Job: Found

I don't know how else to say it but I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They called me yesterday and asked me to come to another interview because they liked my references. So today, more lies followed.

Director: you seem like more of a shy person, would you be ok with calling CEOs and negotiating with them? Do you get intimidated by men in suits?
me: of course not, they're just people

[Truth: in my head I know that they shouldn't scare me but put me in a group of middle aged men in charge of big companies and I feel powerless.)

And since when do I seem like a shy person? I hate that label. Just because I'm always calm and not boisterously loud, doesn't mean I'm shy. Adults can't be shy, that's just a kid thing.

Director: there will be many times when you will be out of your comfort zone. How do you feel about that?
me: I love a challenge

[Truth: I love an easy challenge I can overcome and get back to my comfort zone.)

They asked me a few more questions. By the end of his list, he asked me if I still wanted it and when I said I did, he said he'd love me to join the company because he feels I would be a great asset to the team. I know that's just a formality thing to say but it was great to hear!

The hours aren't going to be too great. I always wanted to work the standard 9 to 5 but I can live with 8:30 to 5:30. Waking up early just means going to sleep early. Pay isn't too great either but I'm not picky right now because the experience I will get from this job will be amazing.

I start this Friday. I'm so scared and excited at the same time. Just hope I don't stuff up, especially in the first few months.

Called David and since he finished his presentation, we met up. He was so excited for me. It was great. He said he was planning on paying me a surprise visit tonight. But it was good we met up during the day. Don't want him coming to my house when I'm not prepared.

Tomorrow I need to go shopping for some work clothes. Yay!

Unique - Not Like Everyone Else

I was not in the best mood today for a reason I can't even write here about. Nothing to do with David or family or work or friends, but something personal that's got to do with how health-wise I always seem to get the rarest conditions.

Anyway, I was trying to come to terms with something that even though never really bothered me before, lately has been more of an issue and there's unlikely anything can be done, so I'll just have to live with it. Need to focus on putting this in perspective. At least it's nothing painful. So what if I'll never be able to wear any really revealing clothes or really open swimsuits. It's not the end of the world.

I guess if it was just this problem I wouldn't be so frustrated, but it's the fact that I have lots of little problems like that. Urticaria has never left me and probably never will. I will always have the scars from my gallbladder operation. My skin will never be clear. Being on the hairy side also bugs the hell out of me. Gosh, I sound like some monster. A very self-pitying superficial monster.

Going through an "I'm ugly" phase is so teenage-like and I wish I'd stop, but right now complaining about it is making me feel a little better.

It's amazing what some people take for granted. I guess I also don't pay attention to heaps of things simply because I don't know they exist.

Things can always be worse.

Real Life, Not Fiction

I waited till 1:30am last night when Andrew called to tell me he was going to be late and I didn't need to pick him up, he was going to get home himself. Can't say I was too pleased. It'd be nice if he told me this at 11pm (when I got home)! Argh. Younger siblings.

Today, I met up with April. Not even ten minutes into our meeting, we were laughing so hard, tears were rolling out of our eyes. Sometimes I wish I could laugh so much with David.

April told me how she caught up with Amelia.

April: we're the only single ones now
Amelia: you say that as if it's a bad thing

Trust Amelia to put things in perspective.

She told me how Amelia, who even though only a while ago was planning revenge on the married guy who 'might have' done things to her when she was too drunk, recently had him over at her house when her parents were away and they got drunk and she had to kick him out. April said that she said the guy was 'all hands'. Don't want to think too deeply into what that means. Nothing good that's for sure.

April and I still get amazed at how much trouble Amelia can create for herself. Not sure why she gets herself into these 'situations'. Attention? Drama? Boredom? Whatever it is I hope she doesn't get herself into more than she can handle.

I suggested to April to introduce Amelia to the South American guy who has the kid and who keeps trying to ask her out. Solve two problems at once: April won't have to deal with him anymore and Amelia can still get her dose of drama by going out with a guy who has a kid, but at least isn't married and cheating on his wife.

We were saying how interesting our lives have gotten since last year. Our high school controversy highlight was Christine dating her tutor who was 8 years older. This is nothing now compared to Amelia's married man. Then there was the drama of Claudia keeping her boyfriend a secret for 6 months. I don't think my bus stop boyfriend would even make the list of exciting stories.

While we were discussing this, the old guy sitting next to us started to stare and smile. I think our conversation about the soap-opera drama of our circle of friends was his entertainment for the day.

I quickly caught up with Amelia last week and she was nice enough to give me some of her webspace for my portfolio (that used to be on my uni server). She's such a generous person. April and I were saying how it's been too long since the five of us met up together. Lately, there's always been someone missing. We decided to organise a Christmas party and make sure everyone comes. That's definitely going to be a challenge, but one that would be worth it. I love how we get when the five of us get together.

The Great Sister

I decided to be a good sister and pick up my brother after his party. I regret this now as I am falling asleep and can only imagine how wonderful it would be to curl up in my bed. I just remembered how I could never drink at parties/clubs because I always had to leave the car at the train station to make sure I could get home. I wasn't really bothered by this as I'm not a fan of alcohol and it was a good excuse to decline any offers of drinks. But I know his party is supplying free alcohol and he really wanted to take advantage of it so I thought I'd be nice. Never again. It's impossible to stay awake when you're home and everyone else is asleep.

David said he'd call me at 1:30, after he finishes his assignment. I don't even know how he can do work at this time but he has no problem with this.

I'm trying to stay awake, listening to the always entertaining online POBian radio. Here is what the DJ just read out as a message from a listener:

"We're making love listening to your station."

This made me laugh. Who freaking sends that information to a radio station?

For some more midnight randomness, here's a song I heard earlier today that I felt I could relate to:

Head Over Feet - Alanis Morissette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

The Existance of a Human

Tonight I attempted again to tell David how I felt. After it failed, something happened that made me feel happy that I didn't say. He told me (as part of our discussion) that if I ever get an abortion, he'd say good-bye because he felt so strongly about it. I told him I would get one if I wasn't planning for a child. He was shocked to hear it, even though I was pretty sure I told him my stance on this subject. I got upset because I couldn't believe he would leave me over an unplanned pregnancy that I would choose to terminate. I mean, I just don't see a few cells that would form into a baby a real person and therefore I don't see it as murder.

Then, it occurred to me why he felt like that. I remembered that he was the result of an unplanned pregnancy and he wouldn't be alive if his 18 year old (at the time) mother would've had an abortion. It all made sense. To think that if she didn't have him, David wouldn't exist makes me shiver. I would still be boyfriendless with no hope of ever finding RG. (Yeah yeah, selfish me.)

Even though I understood where he was coming from, I couldn't shake off that feeling of how easy it would be for him to just walk away. I was feeling pretty upset and thinking how glad I was I didn't declare my love for him. I couldn't even look at him because I just didn't know what to say.

But then, he just moved closer, took my hands and said that it's not like that would ever happen to us. I told him that was not the point. What if there were other things that we haven't thought of that would also make it easy for him to leave. He said there wasn't anything else. When he asked me what was still upsetting me, I told him that I couldn't believe he wouldn't even consider staying. Then I told him how many things I've changed my opinion on because of him. Like, before there was no way I'd be in a relationship with a guy who believed in God or someone who used to smoke but I liked him so much I decided that I could live with those things and it upset me that he would have no problem leaving. Then he said that of course he'd consider it first.

It was so much easier when I wasn't so attached to him. I wouldn't be so upset over it. I'd just remind myself that our relationship was temporary. But now it's so scary. The potential for getting hurt has increased exponentially. I'm starting to get so insecure about how he feels and whether he stopped liking me as much as he did before.

I said that I didn't think we had the same values and that's the basis for a successful relationship (or at least that's what they say). He disagreed and said we had a lot of the same values like we valued family, we valued friends, education and we valued life. He made us sound like one of those all-the-time-happy people.

Later, I accidentally said I loved him. I don't think he even noticed. I was actually thinking of saying it as if it just came out but every time I thought of it, I'd think it'd sound too forced so it was really weird how it just came out of my mouth. Then I said that I liked him so much I wouldn't even use the word 'like'. He laughed, hugged me and said that I was really sweet. Well, great response. At least I know he doesn't love me yet. That's ok, I can live with that. I don't regret saying it because it was true.

Today was the first day in a long while when I had some doubt that we could work long-term.

New Hope

All day I was thinking how similar this job rejection was to my 'date' rejection about this time last year. There is no definite 'no' but there is no 'yes' either. It's just that anxious waiting, knowing that it's too late for a 'yes' but still having a tiny bit of hope that they just haven't gotten around to calling me.

Tried to tell myself to stop that tiny hope because it wasn't doing me any good. Unlike with other postions I'd always be able to find some relief in not having to do them, like "It's too far to get to anyway" or "I'd hate to do that part of the job" but with this one I couldn't think of anything I wouldn't want to do.

Got more calls than usual today so that didn't help because I kept hoping it was going to be from that company.

When I switched off the computer to go home, I got a call. From them! It was weird that all day I was expecting them to call but when they did, it didn't hit me straight away who it was. I got ready for a verbal rejection but the woman just asked if she could go ahead and check my referees if I was still interested in the position. I think I yelled a bit too loudly that 'Of course!' I was interested. How could she even think otherwise? She also asked if she could call the guy from my graphic design position earlier this year. I wish she wouldn't care so much about him because even though we were on good terms, we were strictly professional and I doubt he'd say anything extra nice about me. He'd probably be really bland. If he remembers me. I emailed her with his contact details when I got home. Hopefully she called my other referees (that I gave her earlier) and wouldn't bother with the guy.

I'm so nervous now because I've been given new hope and that can be really dangerous. The higher the hope that deeper the disappointment following the rejection.

Oh how I want that job!

Sick of the Real World

Feel so down now. Wish I could call David but I don't want to wake up his family. Just need to be distracted from my continuous thoughts (that are making my headache worse). I want to hear him talk about his day so I can focus on something other than feeling rejected by that perfect company offering the perfect job.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

I wonder how I would deal with this if I was single. Probably crawl into a hole and cry.

I'm listening to those Spanish romantic songs that I don't understand a word of but they make me feel closer to David. Almost like he's here. Wish he was. I'd just bury myself into him and pretend the world doesn't exist. Now, that would be nice...

Day Ache

So I didn't get that job. They didn't even call to tell me. Even though I prepared myself for rejection, I still can't help but feel disappointed. It feels like I'll never break into my career. Keep reminding myself to focus on the good things that I have, i.e. David. It's funny, finding a job in my field seems more impossible than finding a boyfriend now. I wish I could have everything - a boyfriend and a fulfilling job. But obviously life doesn't work that way. For me, anyway.

When I got home from work today, I found a few job ads with phone numbers but it was too late to call them. Tomorrow I have to work too and it's no use calling next week. That's too late.

Didn't eat properly at work so have a headache. I think I will spend the rest of my evening in good old self-pity. Should be fun.

High School Reunion

I feel so restless. This is what happens when you are busy for the first half of the day and then you're home by four with nothing to do.

Since today was the last day when I could sign my contract for the last film I helped out on, in case they sell it for lots of money and require to pay me. I wasn't even thinking of going since I only worked two days and I was sure I wouldn't be getting much anyway. When I read the contract, I had to reread the 'fee' that they decided on a number of times. Those two days of doing nothing but watch a film shoot (maybe giving someone a tissue if needed) was worth what I would earn in a week on a salary of a mid-weight graphic designer. When I told David, he said I should've worked more days. How was I supposed to know that a job that I thought was just a volunteer one would pay that much? I would've quit my temp one and did this one for the duration of the shoot.

Afterwards, I walked around the city for an hour, waiting for David to finish his shift. When I saw him coming towards me, he had the biggest smile which was adorable. We walked to his country's consulate because he had to get something. On the way, as I was telling him that my Mum worked nearby (and inside I was worrying that it would be too weird if she saw us holding hands), we saw his step-dad, who very rarely worked in the city. His eyes straight away went to our linked hands which wasn't as embarrassing as my Mum witnessing the same thing, but still kinda weird.

Then he had to go to the library where I saw two girls who I haven't seen since high school. We caught up a bit. I tried to make my temp job sound better than it was. After the library, David insisted on driving me home (which I knew he would). I tried to convince him that he really didn't have to but he was like, "I just want to spend some more time with you". His car was parked at uni so we went there.

As he was refilling his water bottle, Jacqui came up. I haven't seen her in years. Again, I tried to make my temp job into something it wasn't.

When I told David I used to hang around with her at school, he couldn't believe it because he saw her around all the time and apparently all the guys thought she was hot. It was weird to think of this girl as hot (even though I know she's pretty). Everyone at school always thought she was the most perfect person - nice, intelligent etc. and it used to bug me that even though she was all those things, I still couldn't be close friends with her. It was impossible to reach her beneath the sweet and friendly surface. So to know that she's just as popular with the guys is too much. How could anyone be so freaking perfect? When I used to ask myself if I was just jealous and wanted to be like her, I'd always decide that I don't really want to be perfect if I can't have all the deep and meaningful connections that come from being open and having unique quirks that all non-perfect people have.

In the car, David asked me how come I knew so many people but only hang out with a few. I told him that knowing and being friendly with people is one thing but actually finding deeper connections is completely different.

After uni, we drove to my house where we hung out for a bit until I made him go home (since separating is almost impossible because neither of us ever wants to leave). I always feel so empty when he leaves. Like something is missing.

How To Say "I Love You"

I had it all planned. I rehearsed (in my head) how I was going to say that I loved him for a couple of days now. I was planning on going through my preplanned conversation on the weekend. However, today he came over to my house so there was a really good opportunity. The first time I thought, "Here's my perfect chance, say it!" I just couldn't do it. The second time, I started my rehearsed breaking into the topic but then when it came to actually saying the 'love' word, I couldn't do it. I think he was expecting me to say it because of the leading on to it but something inside me just wouldn't budge. Then I tried to get him to say it so it'd be easier but he wouldn't. So I settled on saying, "If I had to choose between chocolate and you for the rest of my life, I'd pick you".

Little Surprises

David always manages to do things that I just don't expect. On Sunday he said that he'd only be able to talk to me on Wednesday because he had to go to sleep early on Monday and Tuesday since he worked on Tuesday and Wednesday from 5:00am, meaning he had to get up at 3am. Insane, I know. So anyway, I was enjoying "Dancing With the Stars" when the phone rang. Even though I knew it wasn't David, I still hoped that it was. And it was him.

I said, "I wasn't expecting to talk to you until tomorrow" and he replied, "I couldn't wait till tomorrow. I missed you." Such simple words but my heart started dancing.

He asked if I wanted to meet him after work tomorrow. Like, I'd refuse to see him before the weekend. I hate not seeing him during the week.

Little things like him calling me a day early because he missed me make me think that we like each other exactly the same amount. How lucky is that, considering how many people you hear of when one person always likes the other more. Just when I start thinking that I like him more, he makes me think that he likes me just as much. It's so wonderful.

In the Dark

I went for a power walk tonight with my Mum. I used to do it with my grandma when she was here. I wasn't motivated enough to go alone. I love walking in my suburb at night. It feels like you have all the streets to yourself. Sometimes you see other people walking their dogs or exercising but it's so dark they're barely visible.

As expected, we gossiped about other people and relationships. She told me some stories about Judy since she saw her Mum yesterday. Since at night I'm more relaxed, I told her more than I probably should've about my private life. I never tire of talking about David.

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I miss him so much. Man, I really need a job. Maybe it'll give me something else to think about. I don't want to get carried away but it's so much fun imagining how well things could turn out...

I get the job this week. They pay me a lot of money. I'm successful at it. I really enjoy it. Next year, David proposes in autumn. We get married in spring. Maybe he'll decide to study part-time so he could work as well, but I'll be able to support both of us (while he's at uni) anyway. We live happily in a little apartment in a nearby suburb. He finishes uni and gets a high paid job. We have two kids. Everything's perfect.

Just realised that there's no way I'd be able to have a kid at 23 because David would still be at uni and I don't think I'd be able to support everyone on my job. So my perfect life is never going to happen. But it's ok, I have David and that's more than I expected this time last year.

More Private Than This

I really didn't want to do it but I can't find a better alternative. Livejournal will have to be the one to host my more private entries. I'm so used to Blogger that any other blog hosting seems inconvenient to use. If only blogger would have a "Friends Only" or something like that feature. Plus, I hate to have my blog in two places. I want to have everything in one.

Anyway, maybe I won't end up using Livejournal anyway.

Time Apart Makes the Heart Grow (A Lot) Fonder

I don't know if it's because I haven't seen David for two weeks but in the last two days something occurred to me. I'm in love with him. I started getting that feeling when I saw him on Friday but thought it was probably 'cause I missed him so incredibly, but then when he came over yesterday, I had to control myself not blurt out "I love you!"

I wondered if that last time he told me he felt that way about me and I made it into a joke, made him change his mind.

What started to worry me when I realised this was fear that he didn't feel the same. The last thing I want to do is put myself on the line for easy damage. And nothing would hurt more than being rejected by him.

It was simple to stay a little detached because if things didn't work out, I could be like, "Well, I didn't really like him that much anyway" and I'd be able to tell myself that I didn't dissolve into emotional jelly for someone who wasn't worth it.

I'm not exactly sure what changed in the last two weeks (other than not seeing him) but now I stopped being interested in meeting someone 'better' because I don't want anyone else. I just want him (with all his flaws because they seem so easy to deal with because they're his). So maybe there is some POBian guy who'd suit my ideal of RG a bit better and maybe there is a guy who is not so prone to risk and someone who's more cautious and more calculated. But the point is that these guys would never be David.

(The rest of this entry is here. It's Friends Only so if you want to read it, let me know your livejournal username and who you are. I decided that I want to have control over who reads my more private posts.)

Believe It Or Not

Before David, I always thought I was very practical and realistic but now I'm wondering if I was just cynical and paranoid.

For example, if I heard a guy tell his girlfriend that he's been waiting for someone like her all his life because she was everything he was looking for - funny, intelligent etc. I would roll my eyes and think that she was naive for falling for those words. But now I wonder, "What if that guy actually means it?"

I was talking to Andy about guys being genuine and he said that unless a guy was very manipulative, he would not say something so personal or that would show his sensitive side to just anyone. I wonder if it's true. Even though I always ask Andy for the male perspective, I know that he does not represent the majority of guys since I've had so much influence on his formed views and opinions. It's almost like asking advice from the male version of myself.

Lies I Told In An Interview

Lie 1

Director: you will be responsible for publicising our company and liasing with the media, as well as co-ordinating events and expos. You will also be responsible for developing our website and creating marketing material. You will also have to co-ordinate advertising and working with our sponsors... Did I scare you off yet?
me: not at all! You're actually getting me really interested!

(Truth: I'm freaked out under how much responsibility I will have the opportunity to crumble.)

Lie 2

Director: do you play tennis?
me: sometimes

(Truth: The last time I played was for sport in high school, in about year 8.)

Lie 3

Director: are you ok with using a Mac?
me: of course, it's the same as PC

(Truth: I absolutely hate Macs! They frustrate me more than any other technology.)

Lie 4

Director: how do you feel about working in a very fast-paced environment?
me: oh, I love being busy!

(Truth: I hate deadlines which make me work over-time. I like being able to have some free time.)

Lie 5

Director: how do you feel about learning some internet programming?
me: that would be great!

(Truth: I hate programming!)

Lie 6

Director: we want someone who'll be confident in getting all the work done
me: I'm very confident that I'll be able to do it because I have done these things before

(Truth: the only similar work I've done was graphic and basic web design and the only way I can be confident is if I have all the knowledge to do the work.)

Truth

Director: what would be your ideal job?
me: this one!

(Whole truth: ...if I can be successful in it)

When Sadness is Attractive

David: I like when you get upset.

How the hell was I supposed to take that?

I forgot how to control myself last night and started to get really bossy but it was for his own good. I was trying to make him get a proper night's sleep before his exam because he told me that he studies the night before the exam and doesn't get much sleep. I was trying to tell him that studying will be useless if he's tired during the exam. I almost made him promise that he will sleep properly. My persuasiveness started to annoy him. That made me realise that he was an adult and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to. I explained that I was just getting carried away because I was starting to care too much for him and feeling very attached and that I'd try to care less and detach myself.

He said he didn't want me to do that because it made him feel really special that I cared but he knew what he was capable of. That shut me up because there was nothing else I could say to that, except, "Good night". I was ready to hang up but he was like, "Are you upset? Your voice always changes when you get upset" so I told him I was upset and started babbling again about how I just wanted the best for him blah blah blah and that I realised I couldn't force him to do anything.

This was when he told me he liked when I got upset, while smiling (which I could hear through the phone). That flared me up and I said, "Are you saying you don't want me to be happy?!" and he just started laughing and said, "It's just cute when you get all flustered". And seriously, what are you supposed to say to that? Am I supposed to be mad and angry? Because for some strange reason that was hard to master.

It made me wonder if he thought my getting upset was cute in the same way I thought it was sexy when his face went dark when he got upset because he cared. I think we're too twisted for our own good to find each other's sadness attractive.

We are going to meet at uni on Friday. I haven't been there since that fateful night. I suggested we meet at the same bus stop we met the first time and catch the same bus. That would be so weird. We even imagined replaying our first meeting. I was going to innocently wait at the bus stop and he would come and ask me about the last bus. In the end he said he wanted to bring his car so we could stay out longer and that he could spend more time with me.

Sometimes I still remember my life before him and I can't imagine how weird it is to be where I am now. I mean I have a boyfriend! Of four months! (So I know, it's not that long for most people) but it's long enough for me. I feel like I'm living in a blur right now, which is relfected in my entries which have no structure or point to them, other than to rant about David.

It's like when really fat people lose a lot of weight but still feel fat inside. Even though I have a relationship, I can't get used to not being single. I was so used to that constant feeling of loneliness of not having a partner that it's hard for me to feel like my current life is really mine. You'd think four months would be long enough to get used to it, and in a way I can't imagine my life without David anymore, but something inside still feels like this is not really happening.

Colouring In

Lately, on my long travel journeys to my temp job and interviews, I've been thinking that people can be viewed as colours. Like some can be associated with dull desaturated colours and others are so bright, you will notice them anywhere. And by bright, I don't mean they have to necessarily be loud and boisterous, just that they have to have personalities interesting enough to be worthy of being main characters in films/books. I know very few bright coloured people. One of the first who comes to mind is Nadine. You can make a book or a movie out of her life. She has so many layers that psychologists could have a field day analysing her.

Some bloggers who can inspire fictional characters don't necessarily have the best blogs but they still seem like really interesting deep people. While others (whose blogs can be entertaining) are quite one-dimensional.

That girl I saw on the train today was definitely a bright yellow because I still remember her and I don't even know her. Her life seemed really colourful too which actually started to inspire me to write more episodes for April's and my show (that has been long forgotten).

Still not sure what colour David is. For now I see him as a deep morone with splotches of purple.

Money - The Perfect Amount

"You need just enough money for you not to think about it. If you don't have enough, you're always thinking of where to get it and if you have too much, you're always thinking of where to put it."

- Dad's wisdom

Sometimes my Dad says some things that I think about for days afterwards and remember for the rest of my life.

The Interview for the Perfect Job

I just organised myself an interview for a perfect position. Of course it only happened because I called. I'm now completely certain that it's an impossibility to get interviews just by emailing resumes. I had to have phone interviews with two people before the director of the company agreed to see me. He sounded really nice. I know I'm going to be nervous because I want this job so much and will definitely care if I don't get it. I won't even care if the money isn't too good because I know it will give me solid experience to progress and move upwards. I haven't had an interview for a really good job in a really long time.

Although this job has nothing to do with the entertainment industry it has all the aspects of what I want to be doing - designing, organising, communicating. Did I mention the location is perfect? I'm so anxious and can't wait till Thursday. Must remember David's advice and go into the interview as if I'm perfect for the job. Which I am. Almost. (The director asked me if writing press releases scared me and I was like, "Not at all!" when inside it totally freaked me out. I've never written anything for the press in my life, but I guess it won't be too late to learn.)

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want this job!

Still Searching

I went to my interview today. I thought it went well but I don't know. If I get it, I'm going to be majorly confused whether to take it but if I don't get it, I'm going to have to get back to my job search (which frankly I'm really sick of).

Yesterday at work, all of a sudden I started to feel really nauseous and thought I was going to faint. Then I got a headache that still hasn't left me. These sudden mysterious set-ons of sick feelings really scare me because I don't want them to be a start of some new medical condition. I'm still not over my endless urticaria. My naturopath is running out of ideas because my body is too stubborn and refuses to completely go back to normal. (Although during my last visit, I agreed to pay $100 to cut some of my hair to send for mineral sampling and to see if I have too much metal inside. So much of my earnings go for the management of this problem. Anyway, I guess it could be worse.

When I was going for the interview today, there was a group of girls (around 17-19) talking. They all seemed Australian except one who I've 'overheard' was from Brazil. She was talking a lot about her life there and what was different here. This girl was absolutely beautiful, not to mention very interesting so I had to force myself not to stare. I didn't even want to get off at my station because I wanted to keep listening. That has never happened in my life. I was this close to just going up to them and joining in.

I don't know if it's mainly because of David but I've just totally fallen in love with South American culture. Had this nice image of how lucky our kids would be to be part of two such rich cultures. My Mum told me that she decided to stop hoping that I would meet a POBian guy. And even though before I just couldn't imagine myself marrying a guy who wasn't, now I would be more than happy to marry a South American.

When David asked me where I wanted to be in three years, all I wanted to say was, "Married with a kid and a good career" but I just said, "I want my career to be on track". I might've added, "Among other things" but didn't elaborate. I think he knew what I meant by that. When I asked him the same question, he said he wanted to get a good job and move out.

If I decide that I want to marry David (and have a financially secure job), I don't see the point in waiting till my late twenties like everyone else seems to these days.

Like Forever

I went out with April today which was so great because I haven't seen her in God knows how long. We had lunch, watched a romantic comedy and talked forever. It's amazing that I've known her for eight years now and we never run out of things to talk about. Sometimes we're even fine with recycling old conversations.

April noted that it must be different for me to see romantic comedies because I actually had a boyfriend. The only difference is that after the movie ends I don't feel depressed because I know that I have David. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day again but I knew I had to wait till 9 to call him. So it was such a surprise when he called my mobile at 4:30pm. It was such a pleasant surprise. I called him back when I got home and we talked for two hours.

I told him that I didn't expect him to call last night which was why I missed it and he said that he was just missing me too much and didn't want to wait till today to talk. Then today he knew I'd wait till 9 to call so he couldn't wait any longer. He was even thinking of coming over today but unfortunately I wasn't home and he knew he had to study. He said he couldn't even sleep well because he hasn't talked to me. I could not believe it. He was missing me as insanely as I was missing him.

Now I have to wait till Friday to see him. Why does it seem like years away? I was talking to Mum about him and as I was talking, I could hear myself say how amazingly wonderful he was. Sometimes I forget all his bad points that bug me so much because all I can feel is immense desire for him. I really cannot imagine anyone else making me happier.

He was telling me how he told some guy at uni how we met and we got talking about it. I said, "Don't you get tired of us talking about how we met so many times?" and he said, "No, I like it. I can talk about it all the time because the circumstances were amazing". I told him that I felt like we've been going out longer than just four months and he said, "I feel like I've known you forever".

Every word that came out of his mouth was so incredibly sweet that if I was single, I would feel nauseous. But since I'm not, I just concentrate on not forgetting to breathe.

Sure, our meeting circumstances were pretty amazing, considering we were complete strangers and I actually blurted out, "I'll probably never see you again" but what surprises me beyond anything else is where we are now. I mean, I was planning this to be very temporary. It was never going to work. But now, as tacky as this sounds, he really got to my heart.

A POBian Party

I'm all for hanging out with as many different sorts people as I can, so yesterday I went to Alyson's 21st birthday party. I haven't seen her for a few years and wasn't sure if I really wanted to go to her party but then decided that at least I'll get to see her sister, Jen, who is great to talk to (even though she's four years younger than me).

Haven't seen David for almost a week so I thought it would be a great opportunity to be distracted from missing him like crazy.

At the party, there was a guy who quickly after the introductions started following me around. I didn't mind until he started to obviously chat me up. I just acted cool because at least I had someone to talk to and yet again I was a little amused by the fact that now that I had a boyfriend, there was a guy who seemed interested. Where were all these guys when I was single?

The more obvious it became that he was interested, the more I started to miss David. After he decided to put his arm around me, I took it as a cue to go and message David. He messaged me back saying he was missing me a lot and that he wished he was with me. I actually smiled when I read it and one other guy who was talking with us saw and quickly looked away when I looked back at him.

Then the interested guy goes to Alyson (who came by) that last time he was hitting on her friends, it didn't work and this time wasn't either. And he smiled at me! I pretended to be staring at the table. But my ignorance of him didn't discourage him because then he tried to feed me chocolate. I really don't know if he was expecting me to eat it from his hand because that was ridiculous. So I kept moving away and he thought he'd be funny (since it definitely wasn't charming) and put one piece of chocolate down my zipped up jacket. That totally flared me up because he really should learn some social skills. So after that I totally ignored him and only said anything to him when the others (who knew him) would make fun of him.

After David's message, I put my phone in my bag in the corridor because I wasn't expecting anyone to call so I was disappointed beyond words when later (after the party) I saw a missed call from David. How good would it have been if I got the call from him while I was talking to the others so that I could casually say, "Oh, it's my boyfriend" and see the annoying guy's face.

And I was upset that I missed my chance to talk to him yesterday because I so wanted to hear his voice. I don't even know what's making me miss him to this insane extent.

I saw Alyson's boyfriend and she was all over him (not that he minded) and he kept saying, "I thought you said no physical contact in front of your family" but she didn't seem to care. Even though I have a boyfriend now, it still made me a bit uncomfortable to have them kissing and touching each other right in front of us. Like what are you supposed to talk with the others about while this is going on right in front of your face? The two other girls were like, "This makes me feel even more desperate and dateless" and the annoying guy just kept smiling at me, while I wished David was with me.

Got to talk to Jen quite a bit and I imagined how happy I would be if she and my brother got married (in the future). She's just one of those very few people who are absolutely wonderful all round. Smart, funny, nice, energetic, social, pretty... and you can't even hate her because she's so likeable. Unfortunately I will have to accept that my brother is not her type.

Later in the night we were all in Jen's room and I was amazed how everyone started talking about history and really getting passionate about arguing different sides. I have never seen 17 to 21 year olds discuss politics and social policies and literature with such deep knowledge and fire. It was so different for once to be in a circle of POBians, rather than my Asian/Australian friends. I loved it. And it wasn't like these people just recently came from POB, all of them were in Ausralia from a young age but I guess you can't get rid of that inner POBian soul. It's like when David tells me he will always have the South American passionate nature inside.

If only all people would behave from their deep inner-selves, and not live on the surface (like so many people here do), the world would be so much more colourful.

Chemistry in a Song

Chemistry in a Song

I can't get enough of the "Suavemente" song, especially the Paul Cless version because he makes it sound sexier than the original. It reminds me of David. I think it reflects our attraction perfectly. Not just the lyrics but the rhythm and melody. I love how the song's melody actually reflects the lyrics, not like some songs which can have the saddest melody but happy lyrics. That annoys me. It's the basics of music that songs in the minor keys will sound sadder than in the major keys, yet some singers persist on forgetting that, making the song sound ridiculous. I like when it's easy to understand the theme of the song even if you don't know the language.

I saw a documentary about Argentina tonight and it made me want to visit South America. I love the culture. I'm already in love with Latin music and dancing. My Mum was telling me today that one of her friends knew a person who lived in South America and this person was telling my Mum's friend how open and warm and affectionate the people are. Like you'd walk into a cafe and all these young people would be all over each other. Of course I don't know if that's really true but I know that David is like that.

My Mum was saying that it must be the warm climate. The same reason why people in the northern part of the globe are cooler and more reserved. That's definitely true about POB. Even if some POBian people are warm and affectionate, they'd never show it in public. Maybe that's why I'm like that. Behind closed doors we can be all over you but in the open, forget it.

It's so interesting to learn about different cultures, especially from the inside (i.e. through having relationships with the people, rather than just observing from the outside). I really should learn Spanish and make the most of that program that David gave me.

David messaged me today to wish me luck for the interview and to tell me I was excellent. I think he's going to spoil me and I'm going to get used to him sending me messages about how great I am. I don't want to start getting a big head about it but I love these little gestures so much! I miss him more than anything.

Aww

Aww

David: I'd go anywhere with you
me: hm... even... I'm just trying to think of the most horrible place...
David: it can't be horrible if you are there

Good Interview

Good Interview

I took David's advice and went into today's interview as if the only outcome would be for me to get it. And it worked. The agent organised an interview for me with the company and she said that to just be myself because I interview really well and look great for a receptionist. She just told me to not wear corporate but something 'funky' because it's a production company. I knew exactly what she meant because that's one of the things I love about the film/television industry - the dress code.

When she told me about the position I was a bit disappointed. Of course I knew that it was a receptionist/administrator role but the ad said "lots of opportunity for growth". I didn't think there was a specific length of time which I had to do the reception role. Definitely less than the two years that the company had in mind. Plus, the pay is horrible and the location not the most convenient.

Is it worth locking myself into a two year stint as a receptionist (with minimum pay in a far away place) which will then allow me to work two years (maximum) in one production? And then it'll be time to look for another job. So my design skills will be completely gone (with no design experience for four years) and what are the chances of me finding another job in television? I want to have a choice when I leave a job to move on to better things, not have a date hanging over my head. Man, two years as a receptionist doesn't sound too appealing. It's not even close to me.

Anyway, it's not like I have the job. I guess it wouldn't hurt to go to the interview.

In other news, Max replied. I almost deleted his email 'cause I thought it was junk since the sender's name wasn't Max. How very odd. I only had a suspicion it was him because of the subject. Now, I know I said I'm not going to enter into correspondence with him but I have to know why he changed his name. Was I right to be paranoid about who he really is?

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Curiosity Killed the Cat

You will not believe what I just did. I emailed Max. I'm not kidding. Ever since David's and my discussion last night about one-night stands, I just got this dying curiosity about whether Max would have one. I thought it'd pass but it hasn't so I just emailed to ask him. I told myself that I would not enter into any correspondence with him if he replies. I just want to know if he would. I don't know why. Being extremely curious about everything is one of my weakest personality traits.

Even yesterday when I got home and my brother said that he's just been talking to David on Messenger, I just had to know every detail of what they talked about. Andy got so annoyed at me. Even though I'm pretty good at analysing myself, for the life of me I have no idea why I have this thirst for such information. The only reason I can come up with is that I'm most comfortable if I'm in control of every situation and the more knowledge I have, the more in control I feel. Although that still doesn't explain why I care what Max would do.

I, honestly, could not care less about him. He's nothing compared to David. He doesn't possess one single quality that I like. He's weak and I only ever liked him because he was the only guy who appreciated me (or at least made me feel like that).

So don't think that I'm getting interested in him because I'm so far from that. He's like a game to me. Fills up time when I'm bored. I don't even care that I'm not sounding very nice about it.

I just miss David so much right now. He has qualities that I really admire - he's brave and is not scared of failure (unlike too many people I know). He doesn't let obstacles and set-backs stop him from living and moving forward. He's influencing me in being like that too. He challenges my fears.

I remember how ages ago we were playing naughts and crosses and I kept telling him that I knew a technique which either let me win or for the game to be a draw (depending where he went). We played over and over and over again, proving what I said to be true. He could not win. After we filled up the double-sided sheet of paper with naughts and crosses and I begged for him to stop playing because I was getting bored, I stopped paying attention and then... I missed it. I didn't think where I went and he won. He had the most satisfied grin on his face. He said, "See, if you don't give up you will get what you want, even though it seems impossible".

One time I asked him if fear of rejection ever stopped him from asking girls out and he was like, "You can't let rejection stop you. You have to move on. If I let fear of rejection take hold of me, I would've never asked for your email and we wouldn't be here".

Then when I worry what other people think of me, he reminds me that everyone is too worried about themselves to worry about me. He always says, "It's not like we're doing anything wrong". It actually helps to not care what other people think because I just tell myself that I'm not doing anything wrong.

Another quality I really like about him is how he's very open. He's always willing to talk about everything. If he has a problem, he's the first to bring it up so we could solve it. It's much easier to fix things that are visible.

As I'm writing this, I'm starting to realise that he's been a pretty good influence on me.

Since I'm writing about what I like about him, I have to mention that I absolutely love when he surprises me. Usually I think this is probably just a phase during the dating period. If we were married, he'd probably stop doing that. Although I guess you never know. Plus, I love how he knows I'm not into flowers and chocolates type of romance. Last present he gave me was a CD of his favourite Spanish singer. It's in my CD player on repeat now. Can't say I really love the songs but they remind me of him. When he first mentioned this singer, he said, "You probably won't like it. It's slow romantic stuff". I don't know why but I love that he loves that. Maybe deep down I like it too but just don't want to admit it.

I guess I just like how he's such a guy on the outside (with his interest in soccer and cars and that sort of stuff) but inside he's the biggest softie (who likes romance songs).

Anyway, I could go on about him for a very long time so I'm going to stop. This entry has completely lost its focus.

How To Cheer Me Up

How To Cheer Me Up

Last night when I was talking to David on the phone and venting my frustration about not being able to get a proper job, rather than being understanding and cheering me up, he told me to stop being negative and all he's been hearing lately from me is "But I can't..." I didn't even remember saying that. I wanted to remind him that when he was feeling stressed I didn't tell him to just be more positive.

When I told him I was just being realistic about my job situation, he said that being realistic wasn't helping me. He said that he believed that I could get a job and reminded me what I achieved already but the way he was saying it didn't sound good. I don't know why, but every good thing sounded like a bad thing.

I felt even more frustrated after talking with him. Like, he's my boyfriend, I should be able to relieve my stress on him. I can't be positive 24/7. It's just not natural. Went to sleep with this heavy feeling of disappointment that he wasn't able to cheer me up and make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse.

Went to work in the morning not in the best mood. Then I got a message from him wishing me an excellent day and telling me that I was the best (among other sweet things). I was surprised because he didn't usually send me random messages like that. I couldn't stop smiling. The bad mood was erased completely. I wonder if he felt that I wasn't cheered up last night and wanted to say something more or if he just missed me. Whatever the reason, I felt happy that he was thinking of me.

Feeling Rejected

Feeling Rejected

Well, of course I didn't go for an hour walk at 6am. I opened my eyes at 6:45 and closed them again.

When I got up, I did my one page portfolio. I love deadlines 'cause they force me to work faster. I worked straight till 3pm since I had to send it off by five. Had a moment of panic when it wouldn't convert to PDF. But I figured it out. Wasnt satisfied with it at all. I tried to fit in too much on one page, making it difficult for the layout to look focused. I'm not going to be surprised if I don't hear back from this company.

On the bright side I got an interview at the place where I called last week. It's a stupid receptionist/administrator role but it's at a film production company. Not expecting anything but at least it's something to think about job-wise this week.

Last night I tried to organise a get-together with my school friends since I haven't seen them in a really long time. Claudia already emailed back to say she's busy with uni work. Great. Finally when I get a free weekend everyone's busy. Well, except April. I'll probably just end up seeing her. It's odd, I'm not even that interested seeing them, it's more of just wanting to do something. Plus I get this feeling that other than April, the others are not that interested in meeting up. Kinda sad. I remember I used to see Amelia every week but now haven't spoken to her for months. And I never feel like seeing Christine alone. In a group, she's good for getting taboo discussions going but alone, I find her hard to relax with. I always get tense because she has this judgemental annoyed vibe, when she's the last person who should judge anyone.

Anyway, I'm just frustrated that no one really cares about keeping in touch, even though they say they do. Every time I talk to Claudia, she always says we should meet up but every time I say a specific date, she's busy. And I don't remember the last time Amelia organised anything.

I'm glad I can take comfort in knowing that at least David always wants to see me. He said that I'm not like my friends at all. And even though deep down I always knew that, I kind of ignored that fact and just enjoyed their company. Maybe I was forcing myself to have a good time. Well, other than April and Amelia. Claudia and Christine just add to the number of the group and the fun which comes from just having more people. I know it sounds horrible but I always felt it, just never articulated it. Sure Claudia is nice to talk to but I can never have really deep discussions with her because she never shares anything personal about herself. And there's only a point when small talk can be bearable.

I know David isn't really like me either but for some mysterious reason we find a way to connect on some invisible level. Maybe if he joked back with me and played along to my verbal games, the connection would be clearer. But every time I start, he knows I'm doing it but rather than responding in the same way, he just laughs and acts like I'm some kid being silly. Rarely he might say something sharp back and I always think, "So he is capable" which satisfies me enough.

Will Will Will. Probably Not

Will Will Will. Probably Not

For the last few days I've told myself that I will wake up early in the morning and go for a walk. I'm telling myself this again right now. I don't know who I'm kidding. I've stopped being as active as I was when I was at uni. I no longer have the necessity to walk for hours every day. Just walking from home to the station, from the station to uni and back would take an hour. Then add all the walking during the day at uni and I'm sure that would fill another hour. So two hours of walking a day now decreased to less than an hour of walking since there's no walking at work.

Ok, that's it, I'm getting up at 6am tomorrow and walking till 7am. Then I will come home and finish my portfolio, since now I've been given a deadline. (One place to which I applied called me back and asked to see a pdf page of my work.) I will have to design an impressive layout which will no doubt take close to forever and no doubt I will not be satisfied with it.

I should go to sleep so I could wake up at six tomorrow but I so don't want to. David keeps creeping into my thoughts. Last night when we went to the city and he was not looking too good due to stress and I tried to cheer him up, he said, "You just made my day. You take all my stress away. I'm so happy I have you". Can't describe how good it felt to hear him say that since I'm horrible at trying to cheer people up. I always end up saying unhelpful things and wish I just kept my mouth shut.

I won't see him for two weeks which I don't want to think about. Have to remind myself that if I could cope for years without him, I can deal with two weeks. When I was desperately single, it was like holding my breath under water, impatiently waiting to come up for air. I'm just so grateful he came into my life.

It Worked For Me

Success = Good Advice?

Being successful immediately grants credibility to your opinions and advice. For example, people would criticise a marriage counsellor who's divorced. No one would take serious parenting advice from childless adults.

I would be totally the same. But what if this divorced counsellor gets happily married and the childless adults have kids and their advice and opinions are still the same? Would they be taken seriously then?

Now that I have a boyfriend, I feel more confident in giving relationship advice then I was when I was single, even though my opinions haven't really changed. Much. And when I had a good job at the beginning of the year, I felt deserving to believe that if you keep searching something would come up. And anyone who was unemployed was just not looking hard enough.

It's easy to forget how much luck plays into being successful. In the adult world it's not enough just to do your best. You have to be in the right place at the right time. And no advice can help you with that.

Everything In One

Everything In One

At around 3pm I thought I'd have a quick nap since I only had 2 hours of sleep last night. When I woke up it was already dark. Today's the first Saturday in ages when I'm not meeting David and not doing anything else. Feels kinda strange.

Last night was so busy for a Friday night. First, met up with uni friends for a bit before going to Miguel's sister's party. She and her friend hired out a function room overlooking the ocean. It was beautiful. As soon as I came in, a gorgeous girl came rushing to greet me like I was an old friend. I thought it was the birthday girl (since I've never seen her before) but it was her younger sister. Then I was introduced to the older girl and her friend with whom she was combining the party. They were all so good-looking, I felt I was in a film. They all told me that David told them a lot about me and it was great to finally meet me. They were looking at me in a very curious way which felt weird but not bad because they had smiling approval looks. David told me later that they were impressed which felt nice, even though who were they to judge me?

The only disappointing thing about the party was the music which wasn't too fun to dance to, even though we tried anyway. It was nice to be at a party with David though and have him to dance with me to slow songs. Even though there were a lot of people, there were only a small number of couples. It's an amazing feeling to finally be the one in a couple. Some of these couples were all over each other which made me feel better that David and I weren't as bad as I always thought we were. I mean it would've been obvious to everyone we were a couple but we didn't go overboard.

We were together pretty much the whole night and when we were talking how one girl's boyfriend finished uni but still didn't know what he wanted to do so had some bad job, I was like, "I know what I want to do, I just can't get a job" and he just squeezed my hand and said, "Don't worry. At least you know. The job will come". I'm so lucky to have his support. He really makes me feel like it will all be all right.

Afterwards, we went for a walk along the beach. It was kinda romantic. We walked down that beach so many times and it never gets old. Just feeling a cool breeze on my face, seeing the multitude of bright lights on the horizon, water - pitch black reflecting the stars, him right next to me.

Then, drove to my house. No one was home (since parents are on a holiday and Andy was out). It was so good not to worry about anyone walking in on us at any moment. It was like a sleepover party, only with a guy. David sometimes makes such a good girlfriend too. (I mean it in a good way.) Like we can just sit and gossip about everything and everyone. Sometimes I just look into his face and feel so unbelievably content. Like I have everything I want in one person. And he says he's the lucky one.

We slept for like two hours. Have never woken up happier to have him so close. We had breakfast together in the empty house. It was like we were living together. So wonderful. After breakfast my body remembered that it was still too tired so we went to the living room and watched Rage. There was this clip for the song that goes "Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" and he turned to me and said, "No, I think my girlfriend is hot".

He was supposed to leave at 11am so he could do his uni work, but at 11.30 he was like, "Wanna order pizza and watch a movie?" I told him he'd never leave then. So we practised salsa. It was so much fun I couldn't stop laughing. Lots of spinning to happy music does that to you. He said I improved a lot 'cause I could keep up with him now. I've progressed so much more dancing a few times with him than all the months at the dance class.

By the end, we were both so hot we decided to have lunch. After lunch he left which was sad. I wish he was next to me all the time. I even asked him a few days ago, "Do you think it's bad that I want to spend every minute with you?" and he replied, "No, 'cause I want to spend every minute with you".

Half an hour after he left, he called me which was a surprise. He told me that only a couple of hours ago, there was a murder on his street. How scary to think that if he left a few hours ealier, he could've been caught in it. If anything happened to him, I would just die.

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

David: would you enter Miss Universe?
me: what?
David: you know, like Miss Australia
me: are you kidding?
David: no, I'm serious. You have the face and the figure for it.

My jaw just dropped when he said that. If love is supposed to be blind, I can't even imagine to what extent he feels it for me. Since debating his thoughts would've been pointless, I just thanked him for his kind words. I think he saw the disbelief in my eyes because he added, "You're so beautiful to me". I decided that was all that really mattered anyway.