Craving to Read

Maybe it's because lately I've had more free time but I've been craving to read more interesting blogs and since I haven't found many to really get into, I've been compensating by writing more in mine.

I think I'm going to go to the library next week and get myself some good (preferably intellectual) reading material. April and I want to resurrect our book club (where we forced ourselves to read Pride and Prejudice and didn't end up reading anything else). This time we're going to read something not only sophisticated, but also interesting. Maybe I can get everyone (which also includes Claudia) to read A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. I've been meaning to read something by him and the idea of learning about history in digestible portions really appealed to me.

April came over today and I showed her a trashy romance book I found in David's room (before you gasp, let me explain that his Mum works in a hotel and finds books people leave so she brings them home and puts them on his bookshelf). April and I took turns to read the absolutely cheesiest lines (e.g. "Don't I mean anything to you anymore?!" and "You're nothing, sucker!") while rolling in fits of laughter. We acted like such school girls giggling at the descriptions of the characters (e.g. "muscular frame that telegraphed all man to her, eminently lust-worthy").

Haven't seen David all day which is pretty amazing. I'll call him later though 'cause I need to tell him what time we're meeting tomorrow for the fireworks.

Attraction and Doubt

So we didn't end up going out tonight. Ria's car got hit so she couldn't come. Ryan didn't want to get the train and the other guy wouldn't come without Ryan so David and I decided to cancel. It was weird cancelling on April since I don't remember doing that to her before. Felt bad but there was nothing I could do. Imagine her going out to a bar/club with David and me.

Instead, David came over and we watched Fiddler on the Roof. My Mum saw the musical recently and liked it so much she got the DVD. While we watched, he asked me what names I'd want to name my kids and when I told him, he said he didn't really like them. I asked him the same question and he said he'd want to name his son after his Dad. I would have no problem with this if only his Dad didn't have such a horrible name. I tried to suggest similar names but he didn't like any of them. I got a little frustrated. Obviously it's not really a burning issue at the moment but I don't want to argue over what to name the kids. Why does he even care so much about that? The names I like are quite normal - easy to say, yet not too common. I keep thinking that I shouldn't worry about this yet but then I think, "I don't want to worry about it later either".

I'm starting to realise that we have a lot of different tastes (other than music). Is that a really bad thing?

It was good to see him. I just absolutely love it when he's around. Even if I'm doing other things. Like today, I was fixing my photo prints and sorting them into albums and it was so nice just to have him sit next to me and talk.

Was talking to my Mum last night and she told me that after a year I should start deciding whether I want to have a future with him because there was no point stretching things out. Easy to say but so hard in reality. I really don't think I'll know this after going out with him for a year. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know.

At times he bugs the hell out of me with his different way of thinking and a bit of enlarged ego and other times all I want is him. It's hard to even think of breaking up with someone who obviously cares for me and who's so much fun to hang out with.

Reflecting on 2005

Reflecting on 2005

I remember I did this last year so I've decided to do it every year to see how I change.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Helped out on movie sets

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
None (but I did travel to another state where I've never been before)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A permanent job

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The date David and I decided to go out (and the date I met him because it was my Mum's birthday)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I guess I could say graduating but I feel like my greatest achievement was getting a boyfriend.
Also I just remembered that my real achievement was getting myself to try the movie-maker life. I'm quite proud of myself for organising the whole experience.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not finding permanent work

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Same old urticaria (oh and glandular fever)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably some clothes and shoes which before I'd never wear

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
April's because she actually overcame some of her shyness and because I don't remember her cancelling on any outings this year (as was so common in previous years)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Renee's (literally made me depressed)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Urticaria medications and interstate trip

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a boyfriend

16. What songs will always remind you of 2005?
The Special Two by Missy Higgins, Suavemente by Paul Cless, Without You by Mariah Carey

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Watched TV (who would've thought I'd ever say that?)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Whinge and worry

20. What are you glad you did more of in 2005?
Gone out and danced

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with David and then had dinner with family

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes! Yes! Yes! (I can actually say it this year! Finally!)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Girls in Love, of course! (I absolutely loved that kids show.)
Oh and I loved Desperate Housewives (I even forgot it was on this year 'cause it was so long ago.)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes, Renee

25. What was the best book you read?
Haven't read many books this year but the one I remember loving most is Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I'm a little embarrassed by this but I've discovered Mariah Carey and Shannon Noll.
And the 'Suavemente' song.
Also Damien Rice.

27. What did you want and get?
A boyfriend

28. What did you want and not get?
A permanent job

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21 and I worked at my first ever temp job. The day after I went out clubbing with Amelia and Nadine.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A permanent job

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
A little bohemian and falling victim to fashion trends (i.e. bought pointy shoes even though I always hated them and bought one of those frilly ruffled skirts that are so popular now and which I never liked because they make you look wider than you really are but I was desperate for a summer skirt).

33. What kept you sane?
My friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really fancy celebrities or public figures

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Any one that caused an argument between David and me.

36. Who did you miss?
Amelia (didn't get to see her as often as I used to)

37. Who was the best new person you met?
David

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
Even though you think you're on the right path to getting what you want, you might still not get it. (A little on the negative side but that's what I learnt.)

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
- Kelly Clarkson (You Found Me)

40. What will you be doing to ring in 2006?
Should be celebrating with David and my friends watching the fireworks

Even with all the work problems, this year was definitely the best I've ever had. All because I finally have someone beside me.

My Favourite Photographer

One of the many reasons I like David:

He always makes me look good in photos when he takes them. A very rare occurrence.

Chain of Blogs

I've never given this much thought until recently but lots of bloggers create unintentional communities. For example, the first blog I've ever read always had commenters from blogs who this blogger commented on. They seemed to be a group of people who read each other's blogs. If you start paying attention, you might notice that there are lots of groups like that.

What caught my attention to this 'phenomenon' (can't think of a more appropriate word) was when I read one of blogs I usually read and noticed comments from other bloggers whose blogs I regularly read and who read my blog. How weird.

Well, I guess not that weird. It would make sense that if you like one blogger's style/subject, you would probably like the blogs that blogger likes.

Yahoo Avatars of Us

An Extra Ear

I love having April as my best friend. She's like having an extra ear into my group of friends when I'm not there. I know I can rely on her to tell me all the gossip that I miss out on. She told me about last Friday night (when I didn't go). Apparently Christine was upset at me for telling her I was going out with David a month (if not more) after the fact. Good old April came to my defence and said that Claudia didn't tell us when she started going out with Mike either. Christine said that was different. I really don't see how, but anyway.

Really wish April would get a boyfriend. She says she's now fine without one but I know that's a lie. Even though I don't say this to her but I really don't have much hope that she'll get one at the rate she's going. Although I had even less hope before David. So hopefully I'm completely wrong and her guy is right around the corner.

She agreed to come out with us tomorrow night which is so rare. I think that our offer of giving her a lift home swayed her. I'm disappointed Amelia can't come because I don't want to be entertaining April all night (since she won't know any of David's friends).

Elaine is currently in Australia but I haven't spoken to her. Maybe I should invite her tomorrow. But then I'll definitely have to stay with her the whole night since she can't speak English.

The Spy

When I spoke to David last night, he told me that his step-sister's husband's mother saw us on the beach on Monday. I've never even met her. The thought of someone seeing me without my knowledge kinda makes me feel weird. She could've come over and said hello to David.

Never Apart

I wasn't supposed to see David today but he called me after he finished work and asked if he could come over. Of course I said yes. We went for a really long walk around several places. Then he went home. I don't know why but I was actually looking forward to having a little rest from being with each other. I don't know why.

When he left, I didn't even mind so much but now I feel like something's not right. Is it just guilt that I don't want to be with him 24/7 anymore or that I'm starting to miss him now that's he not here?

Best Christmas

Full post here

Had the best weekend. Most likely due to the fact that David was with me. And also that it was so busy I didn't have time to worry about anything.

On Christmas Eve, David's family got together for dinner. Don't know what's gotten into David but he was showering me with love. Kept saying that I was the best thing to ever happen to him and that I was absolutely perfect and he really loved me.

I got to meet his step-sister and her family. She had two absolutely beautiful little girls who wouldn't leave me alone. The oldest girl (6 years old) talked to me about her favourite colours for an hour. She liked all the colours I was wearing. Then she kept wanting to sit on my lap or hug me. The two year old divided her attention between slapping David's arm (which made her laugh uncontrollably, especially if David winced) and taking me on walks around the apartment.

David's Mum told me I should be a teacher because kids are drawn to me. Even though I used to want to be one, I really can't imagine having to stand in front of a classroom of thirty kids and teach every day. I think I'd just like to have my own.

Here's a little conversation I had with the lovely six-year old:

girl: how come you don't live here?
me: because David lives here
girl: where do you live?
me: at my house
girl: why do you live there?
me: because that's where I live
girl: why does David live here?
me: because that's where he lives
girl: but why?
me: why do you live at your house?
girl: because that's where I live!

Funny how the kid didn't understand the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend. She thought we were family. And honestly I really felt like we were. While David and I were playing on the couch with the two girls, his sister took a photo of us and said, "You look like a family!" and later David told me that she asked him if we were getting married. Just a tad early for that stuff.

I got a present from David's parents (Learn to Speak Spanish CD) and even a little one from his step-sister (a candle). David got me an accoustic version of Maroon 5 and a huge cuddly teddy bear (something I've always wanted because I never had one of those new soft and cuddly types of toys). Now it'll be used as David's double when he's not there. I got David a dart board 'cause me mentioned he really wanted one (and I think it'll be good for when he gets angry). Kinda weird that we both got each other toys and we're way past being kids.

The two little girls got clothes so I felt kinda bad for them. Kids don't care about socks and tops, they want toys. But their Mum liked them.

Stayed over at his house for the first time. I slept on his bed and he slept on the floor. I tried to insist that I'd be fine driving home at 1:30am and then I even genuinely offered to sleep in the sleeping bag on the floor. But as expected I got the bed. I slept so well I woke up at 6:30am. Woke up so refreshed. We had breakfast with his family. I tried not to feel like an intrusion and David told me like hundred times that I wasn't in the way.

After breakfast we went into the city and then to a beach area (the location of when we first decided to go out). Unlike that life-changing day almost seven months ago, yesterday it was bright, hot and full of people. Going to a place that has so much significance to my life, I couldn't help but reflect on what an amazing turn my life made that day - from a lonely girl who had no hope of meeting anyone to a content person who feels loved.

Afterwards went to my house for dinner with my grandparents. My grandpa made an effort to talk with him, even though his English is minimal. They tried talking about soccer and actually laughed a bit together. I thought that was really cool. My grandparents trying to communicate with my boyfriend.

Dinner was leftovers from the party my parents had the night before. There was still so much food that I could barely eat (especially considering how much I ate the night before). My Dad finally talked to David quite a bit.

Before dessert we opened presents. For the first time opening the presents wasn't the most exciting part of Christmas. It was enjoying being with my family and having a glimpse into my possible future family (something David told me he felt the night before). Opening the presents was just an extra.

After dessert, David and I went for a walk down the street to get some fresh air and much needed exercise. It still amazed me that I was walking down the street I walked thousands of time wishing I had a boyfriend and there I was, walking with David. Sometimes I think, "So it's you I've been waiting for".

(When I showed him a video of when I was a kid a couple of days ago, he said, "When you were making shows with Nadine and your brother for your parents, I was learning about alcohol and cigarettes. Who would've thought ten years later we'd meet?" Gosh, imagine a guy from the south of the planet meeting a girl from the north, in Australia and falling in love. Sounds a bit like fiction, yet it happens so often.)

Today we went to the beach to actually swim. I haven't done that for two years. Was never really into that but today just wanted to go. Since David loves the beach, he was up for it.

I looked so white compared to David and needed a tan. Every time I point out how white I am and how dark he is in comparison, he says, "We can make Milo". Even though I sometimes go on about being too white, I kinda like our contrast. Don't know why.

No matter how much sunscreen I put on or how often I reapplied it, I still got sunburnt. David said I looked like a prawn or lobster. He let me pick which one I prefered. Personally, I didn't think I was that bad. To make me feel better he said he liked prawns and lobsters.

After the beach, we had dinner at my house. My Mum always manages to give him some traditional POBian food to try. I've had enough food in the last few days to last me a week.

Just as I was writing this post, he called me. I said to him, "You should be asleep now, you have to wake up at 3am tomorrow!" and he said he couldn't go to sleep without talking to me. Well, go ahead and make my heart melt, once again. Whoever said emotional co-dependency in couples was a bad thing was either a liar or never in love.

Dear Santa,

I'm not writing to tell you that I've been a good girl this year (even though I was and you know it) or to ask you for a present.

I'm writing to thank you with all my heart for fulfilling my last year's Christmas wish. Thank you for getting me the best present ever (even if it was four months late).

Love, Sky

What's My Value?

I had a mini-breakdown last night.

I didn't get that job I had the interview for. The agent told me it was very close and the woman just decided to go with the other guy because she thought he was a better "team-culture fit". Basically she liked his personality more.

I was fine all day. Then when I went to bed, I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about my old job and how well it started and how horribly it ended. When was the moment when it started to go wrong? Then I started crying because I just felt like such a loser who couldn't find a proper job for so long. Started those negative thoughts about there being something wrong with me and I wasn't doing anything right etc. This made me cry even more and I just couldn't stop. I was a mess. Even the reminder of having a boyfriend wouldn't cheer me up. Didn't even want to see David the next day like we planned because I felt so worthless. Started thinking about my life before this year, how I always followed the 'right' path. I did well at school, got a degree and so a job should follow but it didn't. I was so close with my previous one. How could one woman ruin it so much for me? It was too unfair.

Wished David was here, just to give me a hug if nothing else. Wanted to call him but it was too late so I sunk into momentary depression alone. Watched some TV because that's usually good for zoning out from unhelpful thoughts.

Then, I went back to bed and fortunately fell asleep. Woke up feeling a little better. Mornings usually have that effect. Realised I got an SMS from David at about 11pm last night saying how much he loved and missed me and sent kisses "to the power of n". If only I checked my phone the night before. I'm sure it would've calmed me down. So even if I was rejected from the corporate world, at least David accepted me.

I decided to put my worthlessness feelings aside and go to help David with his shopping. When I saw him, he was acting a little unusual. He said that yesterday when he went out with Ria and Ryan, he realised how much he loved me because all he wanted was for me to be there. He said he even called Ria by my name accidentally. Then he told me he couldn't sleep at all because he couldn't stop thinking about me and wishing I was with him. If only I knew he was still awake, I would've called him.

I felt so much better knowing that at least one person in the world needed me and thought I had some value.

Shopping with David wasn't what I expected it to be. I planned to choose all his clothes but he wouldn't let me. I don't know if he did this on purpose but every time he managed to pick the worst thing. Fortunately some of them were expensive and he didn't end up buying them. He let me pick one T-shirt for him that I liked and he said he'd wear it for me. How nice. (I told my parents about this when I got home and my Dad said his refusal to be influenced by me showed a "strength of character". Whatever.)

Got a phone call from April and Christine (very unusual) while I was having dinner at David's house (I didn't want to but he insisted). They said they were going out tonight and asked if I wanted to come. I would've loved to because it's so rare for us all to go out to clubs/bars. It's usually just Amelia and me. However, I wouldn't have had time to go home to get ready. So I had to decline. Hopefully this wasn't a once in forever outing.

Was kinda sad to leave David when I had to go home, even though I'm seeing him tomorrow. He said he missed me already when I was still at his house. Such a squirmy couple thing but I really felt the same. I never wanted to leave his side.

Jealousy

David called and told me how all the girls at work started telling him personal things and asking for relationship advice. I can admit that I was very interested in all the gossip. Then he started talking about his girl friends back in South America and how some of them tell him about their sex lives.

Wasn't exactly sure how to feel about that. Can't say I'm too comfortable having these girls share intimate details of their personal lives with him. I asked him if he shared anything with them and he said that of course he didn't. Would it be naive to believe him? I don't know, I trust him because I know that if someone like Nadine tells me personal stuff doesn't mean I'd share anything personal with her.

I told him it made me feel a bit weird and he said, "Don't be silly. You're perfect, I don't want anyone else."

I always knew David had a lot of girl friends and it's not something that usually bothers me because I know how much he likes me, but sometimes I prefer he'd have more guy friends.

He said to me that he wouldn't like it if I had a lot of guy friends and I said that it was a bit of a double standard then and he said even though he trusted me, he had a bit of a jealous personality and so he wouldn't be able to help it. He said he liked me so much, it would make him feel jealous if there were lots of guys around me. Well, lucky for him, that's never going to be the case.

I told him I didn't care how many girls liked him, as long as he didn't like them.

I think I'm getting a tinsy bit of the jealousy monster creeping in. And it's for no reason at all. I think just the idea of losing him makes me feel irrationally.

In Love With Another Man

I'm completely in love with Shannon Noll.

My brother had his album on his mp3 player and I absolutely love it! Some of his songs are so touching! Here are the songs I can't stop listening to:

New Beginning

If I'd have known what you would say
I'd have turned and walked away
Can't hold the tears back though I try
Cos there's nothing quite as sad as goodbye

Dont want to think about tomorrow
You won't be here by my side
All of a sudden I feel hollow
Theres nothing quite as sad as goodbye

So I'm alone again
Tryin to find a ticket to the next train, to the next train
I'm on my own again, waiting in line
For a new, new beginning
New beginning

I know that we are better off
Still I feel that I've lost
When I look into your eyes
There's nothing quite as sad as goodbye

So I'm alone again
Tryin to find a ticket to the next train, to the next train
I'm on my own again, waiting in line
For a new, new beginning
New beginning

Back where I once started, try my luck again
Now I've got my heart set on a better day, yeah
Who's to say what's waiting just around the bend
Can't do more then hope and pray for a happy end

So I'm alone again
Tryin to find a ticket to the next train, to the next train
I'm on my own again, waiting in line
For a new, new beginning
New beginning

Burn

You struck a match inside
The frozen heart of mine
And set my soul on fire
Stranded dazed and confused
Stumbling drunk on you
Consumed by my own desire
But tell me how
Tell me how you

Burn right through me
You undo me, yeah
But what a way to go
Oh you twist and turn me
Ignite and stir me yeah
You know I gotta learn how you burn
How you burn
Burn

Lost in a stadium full of frowns
Til your smile turned it all around
Now the mention of your name
Fans the flame, the flame that burns

Burn right through me
You undo me, yeah
But what a way to go
Oh you twist and turn me
Ignite and stir me yeah
You know I gotta learn how you burn
How you burn
Burn

I wanna just deserve you
Even just to come close
But everytime we kiss
That thought goes up in smoke
Cos you burn

Burn right through me
You undo me, yeah
But what a way to go
Oh you twist and turn me
Ignite and stir me yeah
You know I gotta learn how you burn
How you burn
Burn

The Way She Loved Me

Desperately waiting for her to arrive
Longing for strength that I lack
Tears fill my eyes when I realise she's gone
I know that I can't bring her back

She used to make it so easy to love her
She used to make me shine
So stay if you will and I'll show you
The way she loved me for a time

Empty, I lie on the bed that we made
But now I can't get to sleep
She had a way of wearing my clothes
And made them look better than me

She had a heart that could light up the ocean
She told me she was mine
So lend me an ear and I'll tell you
The way she loved me for a time

Oh, I long to hold her
Oh, I want her here to see
Oh, how I ache for her next to me

Desperate I wait for the day that I see her
Hold to her deep inside
The most perfect love that I wanted to be her
From the moment she caught my eye

I light a candle for her every evening
Pour me a glass of wine
I will remember so clearly
The way she loved me for a time

Yes I will remember so dearly
The way she loved me

Prove

We're always in this situation
Your heart filling your head with doubt
But if you won't communicate then
We're never going to work this out
I know you think you've got your reasons
But I don't understand (help me understand)
Can't you see your wish is my command

You better(Tell me what you want to hear)
Pretend that I can't read your mind(Baby make it crystal clear)
As if you were leading the blind(Baby give me half a clue)
Don't make it so hard to prove
That I love you, like I do
I don't know how to prove it to you

You make your heart so hard to get to
You put it on the highest shelf
Been hoping since the day I met you
That you would learn to love yourself
It doesn't matter what I do girl
It'll never be enough (never be enough)
Love was never meant to be this tough

You just better(Tell me what you want to hear)
Pretend that I can't read your mind(Baby make it crystal clear)
As if you were leading the blind(Baby give me half a clue)
Don't make it so hard to prove
That I love you, like I do(Tell me all your hopes and fears)
My guess is they're probably mine(We can sort them out right here)
Baby don't waste no more time(Don't make it so hard to prove)
Don't make it so hard to prove
That I love you, like I do

There's no other way that I know how
To put you at ease (how do I put you at ease)
But if I'm doing something wrong
Then please, baby please

Tell me what you want to hear
Baby make it crystal clear
Don't make it so hard to prove
That I love you like you know I do

Just tell(Tell me what you want to hear)
Tell me what you want to hear(Baby make it crystal clear)
Baby make it crystal clear(Don't be makin' it so hard to prove)
Hard to prove(That I'm loving you the way I do)
The way I do

Ok, I'll stop now. When I listened to these songs, I never realised he had depth to his voice. Some phrases that he sings sends shivers down my spine. (Well, almost.)

David, Every Day

I saw David every day this week. Today he called me again because he finished work early and had nothing to do now. I was going to go to the city to meet him but the agent called me to tell me that if she called my referees it would speed up the process of getting this job. So I had to write emails to all my referees to let them know to expect a call. David didn't want to wait 2 hours for me so he went home. I could tell he sounded really disappointed and I feel horrible now.

On a completely different topic, I'm so happy I found (well, sort of) a new blog that I really got into. I've been craving some juicy personal blog material. So now I'm quite satisfied.

Liar Liar

Lying is an art form. I had this wonderful idea that I don't need to tell any interviewers that I got fired when I can tell them I still work at the publishing company. That means I don't have to explain why I don't work there anymore and they won't ask for a reference because they understand that I don't want people there to know that I'm looking for a different job. Good plan. But not as simple as it sounds. I have to remember that I can't talk about that job in past tense. I have to sound like I'm still working there. I also can't have interviews during working hours. Which was why I had to have one today at 8am.

I don't know if I'll get it. Highly doubt it. The woman said she was very impressed with how good all the candidates were and it was going to be a hard decision. I think that meant, "Sorry in advance".

I guess we'll see what happens. At least it made me feel productive.

On Friday I'm going to go shopping with David 'cause he said he needs some summer clothes. I don't think he realises that I'm using this as an opportunity to prevent him from keeping up his (intermittent) horrid dress sense.

Don't remember if I mentioned this but I'll be spending Christmas eve with his family which will most likely be kinda odd since it's just going to be his relatives. The next day (Christmas) my family is going to our relatives' barbeque. Mum said David was welcome and even though at first it seemed like a great idea to have David come along and keep me company, it doesn't seem like that anymore. I mean, it's going to be a very family affair and he's not family. Plus, I don't want to attract unnecessary attention from everyone since I've never brought a boyfriend to a family function before and they might think we're more serious than we really are.

Elaine is coming again and she'll be going which was why I wanted to go. But it's ok, I guess David and I could spend Christmas together.

Our Kids

David: I wonder what our kids would look like...
[in my head: Oh.My.God. Did he just say that?!]
me: totally hot, of course! Mixed kids always do. Imagine if they have your dark skin and my light eyes
David: oh no! They will look like surfies!

Later...

David: I hope I'm not scaring you with all the talk of kids and our future
[in my head: it would scare me more if you were a commitment phobic]

Ok, so I'm a little too happy that he's thinking these things.

A Handful of Cherries

What a busy weekend I had.

After the 'almost breakup', I woke up on Saturday still shaken up. Even though we've resolved the problem, I still couldn't get that feeling of not seeing him again out of my head. Started thinking that I just got a glimpse of what would happen once we stumble on a problem that really can't be comprimised on. Wondered if there was a future for us.

Remembered that I started going out with him because I wanted to have relationship experience but realised that it was time to start thinking seriously because I was too far into it for it to be just an 'experience'. I needed to start making decisions and not drag something that wasn't going to work out long-term. Didn't want to be another one of those couples who never talk about the future and then get married, have kids and realise that they never wanted to head in the same direction.

Of course thinking like that doesn't erase the fact that I'm in love with him and how can you break up with someone who in the future might not be right for you? How do I know that I will meet the RG that I imagined for myself (who definitely isn't like David). How can I break up with someone who I start missing the second he leaves?

I know we've only been going out for a (relatively) short time and I'm sure most people think we're crazy for thinking about the future already. But somehow we can't help it. He told me he's over the whole 'dating for fun' thing. He's ready to get serious about his life. And me, well you know. I just want to settle down and am not really into dating different guys for fun. 'Cause to me going out with wrong guys is not fun. I'll take a serious relationship over a fling any day.

Just the thought of losing my boyfriend and my job in the same week was too much. It's like I was in the frame of mind that we broke up (even though I knew we haven't).

Went out with April and Claudia to an outdoor concert. I was hoping it would take my mind off David but it didn't. In front of us was a girl our age with her boyfriend and three girl friends. She and her boyfriend were acting just like David and I and all I could think was that I wish David was with me too.

Trying to push David to the back of my mind, I concentrated on my friends. It was wonderful to spend some time with them. April and I laughed all the way from the time she got on my train, all the way till the time she got off the train on the way home. We couldn't even walk straight, we were laughing so hard. We were like, no wonder we don't need alcohol to act drunk, imagine how bad we'd be if we did drink.

Later during the night, Claudia sprawled out on the rug and went to sleep. She looked so cute April and I had to resist giving her a hug and thinking of her as a little teddy bear.

I rang David to see what he was up to. He said he was watching a movie at his house. We didn't talk much. I felt bad calling him in front of April but I had no choice because I promised to call. Couldn't say that I missed him and wished he was here with me because April and Claudia were right there, so I sent him an SMS instead. He replied saying he missed me a lot. I felt kinda uneasy because I was still on edge about Friday night.

Sunday morning I woke up early to go to our Christmas party. It was so very great to see my closest group of friends at once! It hasn't happened for way too long. I even had a nice conversation with Christine about my job not working out. I was surprised to see that she was genuinely interested in what I was up to. Plus she was interested in meeting David. (She's the only one of my closest friends who hasn't met him.)

I always start feeling so warm and fuzzy when I'm surrounded by my high school girl friends. We've been sharing the dramas (some self-created) of our lives for years. Over brunch, we went through stories of Amelia's married man, the irony of Christine's fashion design course which takes so much of her time that she can't make clothes for herself, Emma's (yes, she came too) work at the university, my loss of job and horrible Renee (if only she knew how my friends made her seem as small as she made me feel) and many others.

Had to leave early because I had to get ready for David's work Christmas party. When he came to pick me up I was back in that horrible state of mind that we were not meant to be. Plus he was wearing the worst outfit which irritated me more than it should've. He was wearing cream coloured pants and a white shirt with some brown pattern near the collar. He looked so white and attention seeking.

He noticed how quiet I was in the car and asked what was up. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to ruin the party for him before it even started. Just said I was tired. He said he was really happy that I was coming with him with his usual sweet face which made me feel guilty that I was thinking that we were wrong for each other.

The party was great. Reminded me of my year 12 formal. I shouldn't have drunk alcohol before eating because it gave me a headache for the rest of the night. The food was fabulicious. I also got to wear my dress that I wore to the uni formal last year and finally I had a guy to appreciate it. David told me many times how beautiful I looked. I thanked him and told him I was a sucker for compliments.

David kept introducing me to everyone which made me feel like he was proud to have me with him. Rather than just saying my name he was like, "Hey, this is my girlfriend!" He wouldn't let go of me the whole night. I was so hot (due to lack of air-conditioning) but I didn't want to offend him by asking him to stop holding my hand/arm/shoulder because I knew he could've taken it the wrong way and I didn't want to have the old discussion about how I wasn't comfortable being affectionate in public (because honestly I didn't care last night 'cause of the throbbing pain in my head).

When some people were making speeches which involved cheering, David was so loud, I got so irriated at him because it really didn't make my head feel better when he was yelling and clapping right near my ear.

I told him I was too hot and going outside. He came with me. When I told him I felt sick, he got a worried look on his face and apologised for being loud. Then I took a couple of garnish cherries from the dessert buffet (because my headache made me crave something juicy). David asked if I wanted more and I said that it would look bad if I started picking out the cherries from different platters. So what does he do but go to the tables and picks a whole handful for me. He said, "Here, I'll go and get you some more". My (illogical) irritation with him immediately disappeared. How could it not when he was so incredibly sweet to me?

We went to sit on the bench in the hall and as I was eating my cherries, David said, "You don't know how happy I am that you're here with me tonight. You make me so happy." I don't know if it was the alcohol that I had on an empty stomach or tiredness but I felt in a daze, like I was looking at everything through glass and it comforted me to know that David was with me and he'd make sure I was ok in case I decided to faint or something.

We danced a little because I knew David really wanted to. He said to just tell him when I wanted to go but I didn't want to ruin the fun for him. So we danced for a few songs. Then I asked if he wanted to go and he said ok.

In the car I was feeling kinda blah so he kept trying to make me laugh which I wasn't making easy for him. Don't ask why I was in such an annoying mood. He was like, "Come on, just one smile". That made me feel like such a kid. Later, we had a bit of a disagreement about the racist riots. He said I didn't care because I wasn't affected by them. I told him he was taking them too personally which was what fuelled them.

When we got home, I switched on the lights on the Christmas tree and was just mesmerised by them. David came to sit next to me. He said, "I know something's wrong, tell me what's bugging you" so I told him that even though we resolved the Friday night problem, I still couldn't get out of my mind how painful it would be to break up with him. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to break up with me and that I didn't even know how much I meant to him. I asked him if always having disagreements about political issues was a problem for him and he said that it'd be boring if we agreed about everything and that he loved me.

He said that he didn't want to lose me and there were other ways of going about achieving what he wanted. He said that he didn't ever want to do anything if I wasn't by his side. I asked him why he made me think that he would move overseas without me if he didn't really mean it. He said he meant it at first but then realised he didn't want to risk losing me and that I was the most important thing him.

It felt so good to hear it in that way. I guess it confirmed that I was still his top priority like he was mine.

He didn't have work today so he stayed over. I felt so guilty spending Monday not working but that's unemployment for you. We went to the nearest shopping centre in the afternoon and bugged my brother. Poor guy was so bored because there were no customers. He was desperate for us to stay there the whole night.

Well, I'm back to my normal self (i.e. not upset or irritated). Sure I'm not too happy about my job situation but I couldn't be happier to have David. Like I told him a million times, everything's easier to deal with when he's with me.

An Hour Heartbreak

David and I almost broke up last night. It was so close that I think I've actually experienced the pain of breaking up. Just the thought of not ever seeing him made me feel sick. I thought I was going to go home and cry for days. It was the most heartbreaking experience and I'm so mad at David for making me go through it.

Read more...

The Fun Infection

Since this is just another excuse (like I don't have enough) to talk about myself, I will play Janice's little infection game.

Five random facts about myself:

1. I love fresh juicy sweet wild berries (like raspberries, blueberries, blackberries)
2. When I was a teenager, I wrote a story about growing up with (the younger versions of) Nick and Brian (from the Backstreet Boys). I guess I can mention that in my story they fought over who should go out with me. (Brian won.)
3. I prefer cold (rather than hot) weather
4. I wish I understood the joy of sport
5. It grates of my nerves when people chew loudly

Strange that it took me a while to come with these five facts. Unfortunately I can't come up with anything more amusing.

In the spirit of the game, I should 'infect' five other people (so that they write five random facts about themselves in their blogs) but since I like making up my own rules, I infect anyone who reads this entry by the end of today. (So no pressure.)

The Meaning of a Christmas Tree

I feel like my sight is deteriorating. Hope it's just 'cause of tiredness and my eyes will be back to how they were.

Deciding to give my eyes some rest, I put up our Christmas tree. My familly will be surprised when they get home. My Mum has been wanting to do this for over a week now but hasn't had much time.

I got a little nostalgic looking at all our decorations, some of them we had since I was child, brought here from POB. They were old with paint peeling off but I didn't care and put them right at the front. When I was younger I would get a little obsessive with decorating the tree 'the right' way. It would get to a point where I would boss my brother where to put each decoration so that the tree looked even and no two same colours were next to each other and that all the new decorations were at the front and the old ones at the back. Then there were a couple of years when I didn't care at all about decorating the tree and left it to my Mum and Andy.

Then today, I really enjoyed doing it. Didn't get obsessive (much) about where to put the decorations. If anything, I wanted to put all the ones that had meaning, like the ones Andy and I made just after we moved to Australia because we didn't have a lot of decorations. Or the ones from POB which are so old fashioned. They remind me of Christmas at my grandparents' house when we were little.

A couple of years ago when I worked in a big department store, I thought it would be really cool to decorate your tree based on a theme, but now that I put all the decorations we had together, it kinda looks cosy and homey and not so sterilised.

I wonder if those new upside down Christmas trees will take off...

Boyfriend and Friends

It's so odd, I'm chatting to April and Claudia online, after talking to David and all I can think is that I'd rather be talking to David because he's so much more fun. How can I not find my closest friends interesting anymore? Before David, they were all I had to make life enjoyable.

Now I'm just feeling strangely frustrated that David isn't here. Plus something a little odd happened. I asked him if he wanted to go out on Saturday and he said he did. Then I mentioned that April was the one organising the outing and he immediately said he didn't want to go but that I should still go. We didn't get to discuss it 'cause he said he had to go. I hate to end conversations when I'm not totally sure he's ok. It makes me worried and anxious.

I wrote him an email and I'll see him tomorrow so hopefully we can sort it out. I don't want to feel guilty for going out with my friends. Not like he doesn't let me, but it upsets me that he gets weird about it. I think it's 'cause he's not going out with his friends much. They've all sort of abandoned him after we started going out. Plus it's hard for him 'cause all his uni and school friends are back in South America. And since he's about 6 years older than other people in his classes, it's hard for him to make new uni friends. Considering he's quite a social person, I know it's difficult for him not to have the opportunity to go out much with people other than myself.

And I don't know why but he has this idea that going out just with him is not enough for me and that I get bored. Not sure why he gets insecure like that because it's so obvious that I don't need anyone else because he's more fun than all my friends put together. I just feel guilty about not seeing the girls who I've been hanging out with since we were teenagers. Plus I feel it's not a good idea to alienate myself from my friends. I think he knows that but just feels sad that he doesn't have his friends. And I can't help but feel bad when he does. I want him to be happy.

Cleaning My Brain

Cleaning is a great distraction from constant sad thoughts. Actually that's the only time I'm motivated to clean. Today, I cleaned out one shelf that was filled with uni stuff and other papers that I didn't want to throw out in case I needed them. I've decided that since I didn't need them for a year, I probably won't ever need them.

As I was sorting out through the huge pile, I found a copy of a song with April's changed lyrics to suit our 'desperate for a boyfriend' states. I couldn't stop laughing. It's so ridiculous!

Good old times...

I'm so glad David is a kid at heart like me (and April). April's and my silly songs and games have been replaced with David's and my silly dancing and adventures. Yesterday when he came over after my interview and we were being very childish as usual, I said to him (not for the first time), "We're such kids!" To my surprise he replied, "I know. I wonder what kind of parents we'd make". I said, "The type who are more immature than the kids". He laughed and asked, "Are we going to embarrass them?" and I said, "No! We're going to be cool parents". But he was like, "Oh come on, it'd be fun!" I feel sorry for these kids already.

I had a lot of time to think today and I came to the conclusion that getting fired had some hidden benefits (other than not having to work in a horrible environment). It showed that David can be supportive in hard times too (something I might not have had the opportunity to see any time soon). He's not here just for the happy and fun occasions. I was really impressed with how he immediately came over to be with me (on Monday) even though he had to wake up at 3am the next day. It's hard to believe we've only been together for a bit over 6 months. I feel like I've been with him for years.

We're going to a POBian restaurant tomorrow. I've been promising to take him there for ages and we've planned to go this weekend a couple of weeks ago. Kinda a weird time to go right after I've been fired but I'm going to try and not focus on that. On Saturday he invited me to go to the aquarium with him, his sister and their grandma. I told him I didn't want to be in the way if he wanted to spend time with his grandma but he said, "You're never in the way". So I'm going.

On Sunday, my friends and I are having a small Christmas party so that should be fun. I'll have to tell the others about losing my job which is going to be a bit awkward but I'm sure they'll make me feel better.

I've already told April who keeps reminding me to focus on the fact that I have a supportive boyfriend. Which I am. Must remember that it's always easier to find a job (no matter how hard it seems) than finding a boyfriend.

Then there's David's work Christmas party. I told him I was planning on lying about being unemployed. As far as his workmates were concerned, I was still working at the publishing company. He said I could say whatever I wanted.

I'm thinking I might keep feeling sad this week to get it out of my system but next week I'm moving on. I will get proactive and call my temp agents so I could get some money while looking for a real job.

Being fired is not the end of the world.

Fired for Christmas

Now is the worst time to be fired because no one hires this close to Christmas.

I had an interview I desperately organised for myself yesterday but I'm not optimistic. I don't think I smiled enough.

I'm realising now that if something seems too perfect it probably is. My previous job seemed too good to be true for the first two weeks. I was doing things I liked. It was in a good location. People seemed nice. Then Renee, for whatever reason, ruined everything. I wonder why she decided she didn't like me. I was always friendly to her and did all my work.

If a perfect job is impossible, I'd be happy to settle for an ok job but with nice people. I reckon having friendly people around you would make any job easier to handle. (As was proven in my last temp job.)

This time of year should be a good time because of the holiday atmosphere and the festive spirit but I feel like going into some cave and hibernate.

Sweet Revenge

Yesterday after I got fired, the only thing that kept me from crying was deleting all my files on the computer so if they wanted something I've done, they'd have to start from the beginning. I could've deleted everyone's files but I knew that would only make things worse for myself. Besides I'm allowed to delete my own files.

So today in the morning I got a call from my ex-manager asking me why I deleted all my files. I told him that yesterday he said that I should clean out my stuff which is what I did. I told him I went through all my files and realised they had all they needed. A complete and utter lie. He said they really needed a bookmark I designed. I found that kinda funny considering that when I did it, I was told not to do the graphic designer's job.

Then he told that they checked my email account and noticed that I sent some photos of them to my hotmail account. He asked me what I was planning on doing with them 'because, you know they're copywrited?' I couldn't help but laugh. What did he expect me to do with them?! I told him I just wanted to show who I worked with. And he was like, "Oh ok, as long as it's for your personal reference, that's fine". What other use could I have for them?! Not like I can sell them!

I kinda liked the fact that he was already calling me because he needed stuff that I've done, even though they never needed it before.

Revenge tastes so sweet.

Soothing a Rejection

As soon as I called David to tell him about my new turn of events he said, "I'm coming over". I told him he didn't have to 'cause I knew he had to wake up early tomorrow and I also told him I wasn't in a good mood. He said he was coming anyway.

He came over at the same time as my Mum so they were both talking which was a good distraction 'cause I didn't feel like joining in. They made me laugh. When we were left alone, he asked what happend and let me talk while he just quietly stared at me. (I couldn't help but think how hot he looked.) Then he said, "I don't know what to say but I just want to be here for you".

Then we went to a nearby park and played on the playground. We went on the swings and the see-saw and on the flying fox. When I was on the swngs, he kept pushing me so hard I thought my stomach would jump out. It was so much fun, I could almost feel endorphins swim to my brain. Then we jumped around on some huge rocks. It was so something I would do when I was a kid. There's nothing like finding your inner-child to make you feel better.

He told me that it was for the best and that I didn't need to have that stress of being in a place where I wasn't appreciated. And that he was sure I would find a much better job. He was being just so completely wonderful, I felt so grateful to have him.

After he left, my Mum said to me, "In a relationship, one of the most important things is for your partner to be a friend 'cause that's all you need sometimes".

Temporary Insanity

I have a funny story to tell. I got fired. Ha ha.

I'm predicting that I will never be fully employed at a job I love with people who actually make sense.

I'm feeling pretty horrible right now and so not looking forward to job searching. AGAIN. I'm freaking sick of it. I had a short moment of motivation to find a job immediately but after half changing my resume, I'm feeling a sense of depression coming on because I just want to go to sleep. That can't be a good sign.

It's so frustrating that I couldn't get a proper explanation for their reason. Renee said that even though I completed all the tasks I was given, I didn't take the responsibility. What does that even mean?! The Manager also said that Renee didn't feel like she could rely on me to get the work done. I asked how she can feel that way if I get things done and he said she just doesn't 'feel' it. If she has trust issues, why should that be my problem? They also said that since I don't have enough experience, they have to explain all the new things to me. I reminded them that it was an entry-level position and the manager said that it was his mistake to say that in the advertisment and they need someone more senior.

Anyway, I'm going to try not to analyse it too much. I'm just sad that I really enjoyed the actual job. And it seems unfair to fire me when I did so many good things for them.

How to Deal with Difficult People

Amelia's advice about Renee:

Try to think of some creative revenge ideas.... like setting her office on fire!

What makes me smile is knowing that she doesn't even have an office.

My Eccentric Friend

Met up with a long lost friend for lunch - Nadine. She was wearing the tiniest flimsy orange sundress and a large straw hat. I tried not to laugh. After some small talk about my trip and her life, she said, "Ok, let's just get to the good bits. I want to hear some gossip." I said, "Like what?" and she replied, "I don't know. All your secrets. Your love life. That kinda stuff." I said, "Let's hear yours first!" She said, "There's not much to tell" but for the next hour she spoke very loudly about her friends' sex lives. As we walked, guys turned to stare. I told Nadine to be a bit quieter and she was like, "I can't help it, I have a loud voice! Anyway, people think bad things about me already so I don't care."

She also told me that all her friends thought David was hot. That was a surprise 'cause I thought I was the only one who thought that way. She asked not to tell him but of course I did. If it was the other way around, I'd want to know. (Not that it would ever happen.)

My lunchtime was very entertaining, to say the least. I got back to work with a smile on my face, which felt good. The stress that had been accumulating had been reduced. Plus, I received a message from David telling me that he hoped my day was better than yesterday and that he loved me. Simple things like that ease my mind so much.

David came over after work. It was so good to see him! I missed having him near me so much. We got into a conversation about religion and I got really frustrated. I said that I felt like in the Matrix movie when the world isn't real until Neo woke up. I said I felt like everyone religious was in a dream world (because that's all they knew) and I just wanted everyone to wake up to reality. He didn't say anything in reply. Just said that he loved me.

The Work Issue

The Work Issue

I've had the worst day today. I don't even remember the last time someone made me feel so awful.

Renee took me for another 'chat' to give me some 'feedback' on how I've been going since our first 'chat'. She said I was doing everything she told me and that I was taking her too literally. She wanted me to take more initiative and take the workload off her. Last time I took more initiative I got told I was doing more than was needed. Now it's not enough. It's freaking impossible to find a balance she'd be happy with.

What really pushed me over the edge was when she told me that when she was washing (newly bought) glasses I didn't offer to help. That got me so mad because only last week she gave me a huge bag full of dirty dishes (with old pieces of cake and salad and meat chunks) and asked me to wash the whole thing. She didn't offer any of her help. And today she told me that she purposely put another dirty dish on the benchtop to see if I would wash it too. I don't even remember seeing it. Then she told me how she read the emails I sent to the sales girls and how I didn't give them enough information. I felt like I was in the Big Brother house. Everything I did was being watched. Every mistake was enlarged.

She said that I was basically not doing half of my job and she asked whether I felt this position was for me. That freaked me out because if they fire me, I will never find another job. I have to last at least a year at my first full-time one.

My Dad thinks that I should start looking for another one while I'm still working because it will be too hard if I look after I get fired. But this is going to be impossible because I have no time to go to interviews.

And I really like the actual job and every other person at the workplace. What if the next job will be worse?

Why can't things just be simple?

Just Nothing

I think David and I are going crazy. All day I couldn't stop thinking about him so when I called him when I got home, he sounded like he hasn't spoken to me for ages. He was like, "It's so good to hear your voice!" You'd think we haven't seen each other in years.

I have so many things to do. Haven't seen any of my friends in like forever. Been spending all the free time with David. Plus he and I have already planned so many things for the weekends. Don't know how I'm going to fit everything. Also need to do Christmas shopping and visit my grandparents who I've abandoned and feel really guilty about it.

I love being socially busy. Maybe it'll make up for all my single girl weekends.

Just the Two of Us

The "Be All" or "End All" or even the could be "Nothing at All" trip with David was a huge success. I'm currently sufferring withdrawal symptoms from not having him with me. You'd think that almost four days of being together would make me crave a break but it's quite the opposite. I'm feeling restless and crave to tell him every detail that's happened since I got home. I want to tell him about Mum's interrogations and my grandma's (from POB) questioning over the phone.

Living with him for a few days was a good learning experience. Here are some new things I've learnt:

1. He snores so loudly, it's like having my alarm ringing the whole night.

2. Going through airport security might always take longer. David was stopped on the way there and back for a more thorough check. I don't want to assume anything but I can't help but wonder if it's because he's dark and people are paranoid.

3. He really does accept me the way I am.

Pretty much as soon as we got there, we had an argument. I got a call from a doctor about a very personal matter and I didn't want to tell him what it was about. Of course he got upset that I didn't trust him. Sure I could've lied and made something up but I didn't want to do that. I just wanted him to understand that I didn't want to explain. Not because of him, but for my own reasons. He got all serious and quiet. Since his mood always manages to influence mine, I got upset that the holiday we looked forward to for so long was starting off on such a sour note.

Since we were both annoyed, we went back to the hotel where he managed to make me tell him everything. I don't know whether it was his usual way of making me feel like whatever the issue, it's not going to be a problem or I decided that I might as well tell him while I had the opportunity and if he can't deal with it, better know about it now.

This whole thing reminded me of when I couldn't tell him he was my first boyfriend. I was so embarrassed. After I told him, my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to pop out. I was so anxious to see his reaction. (I was glad I imagined different ways to tell him this before because I used some of my ideas to make it seem less of a big deal.)

When I finished, he sighed so loudly, I thought he was going to break up with me. He said, "That's it?!!! You know how worried you had me?!" Have no idea what he was expecting me to say. I mean, I did tell him from the start it was a call from a doctor so I guess maybe he thought I had some disease. He then said I was perfect and not to worry about [this problem] at all because he didn't care about it. He started making jokes and making light out of something that worried me for such a long time. I was so close to tears because I've never felt so relieved and accepted in my life. Finally I had nothing to hide from him anymore. I knew he loved me the way I was. It was everything I ever wanted to feel.

After that, the holiday was completely wonderful (even including little annoyances). When we took a little cruise down the river, the captain said that we looked like we were on our honeymoon. That made me smile.

It was so cool to come back to our little holiday apartment at the end of each day. Ordinary things like having dinner together or both of us going to buy some groceries for breakfast was a completely different world to me. I loved every second of it.

We've already stared planning our next trip.

The Lovely Little Things

You know that question about whether you see the small or the big picture? Well, that always confused me. Why did everyone only had to pick one? Were they mutually exclusive? I always felt like I could see both. I paid attention to the details and yet knew when they were not important.

The more I thought about it, the more I leaned to being the 'big picture' person. Being single can do that to you. You start seeing that most things aren't really important in the long-term. It really isn't important if you miss your bus and come late to class. It really isn't that important if you fail one exam. Time always manages to fix those problems and they become things of the past.

So yesterday something small happened that made me so giddy with happiness. I was having dinner with David's family and step-sister. He was sitting opposite me. His parents and step-sister were involved in a busy conversation. They were talking excitedly while David and I were quiet. Then we looked at each other and just had a moment. It sounds kinda pointless writing it here but it's hard to describe that feeling of complete connection like at that moment we were thinking the exact same thing, and we both knew it without saying a word. I will refrain myself from mushy descriptions of his dreamy eyes and smile.

That little incident (and I'm not being melodramatic about it) made me think that little things are important too because it's the little seemingly insignificant things that make up the big important picture.

Famously Married

Celebrity mariages are an interesting phenomena. They start off in glamour and full of hope but usually end up in bitterness and loss.

Are they really the same as normal relationships, just in the spotlight? Is it this public attention that puts more strain on these couples?

The romantic part of me wants for all of them to work out. Like take for example, Nick and Jessica. I loved watching the show. Because even though you saw them arguing, it was comforting to believe that deep down they were deeply in love and these little problems were just a part of being human and not perfect. The fact that they were married gave (the romantic) me a sense of certainty that no matter what, they'll be together. They seemed so suited too.

It's sad that being married doesn't mean any sort of committment.

Plus it annoys me when young couples break up and add to the statistics that people marrying early don't stay together.

Not Believing in Santa Clause

So glad it's Friday again.

Just read an absoultely fantastic post about being an atheist and also this one. Made me question again whether a relationship can work long-term with a difference in religious belief. The guy who wrote the post has articulated so well all my thoughts that I can't bring up in a heated discussion because my mind goes blank.

Some things that stood out for me:

1. Religious people's arguments are as ridiculous as saying you can have square circles. It's like arguing with a toddler.

2. People who believe in God are delusional.

3. Just because the idea of a God is nice, doesn't mean it's true.

I wonder if David would break up/get really annoyed with me if I send this post to him...

Randong recurring thought: is there a more suitable guy for me than David, and if there is will I ever meet him?

After Work

Here are the thoughts that are running through my brain:

1. I'm sick of Renee's superior attitude. I try not to let it bug me but it does. She's so not worth it.

2. I love David. Can't believe he didn't notice I had hair on my arms until yesterday. When he noted this, I got really embarrassed and wouldn't let him look at my arms. And he was like, "Come on, don't be like that. I'd like you even if you had a moustache". How could I not love him?

3. I don't freaking want to wear a suit tomorrow and go to the conference so early in the morning. And have to sell our products. I'm not the freaking sales person.

4. Can't wait to catch up with April.

5. Can't wait to see David.

6. Need to go to sleep.

Impress Me

David impressed me today. I knew he was never the type of person to plan everything ahead of time and do research, like me. So when I asked him to find the best tour for us when we go on our little trip (even though I've already looked at which ones exist), I didn't expect him to find anything I haven't seen already. So I was very surprised that he found some that I never saw and ones that had a lot of value. This might sound really silly to most people but it's little things like that that make me fall in love with him.

I guess I underestimate him sometimes. Honestly, I didn't think he'd even look into it. Gosh, wish I could give him a hug now.

I decided to distance myself from my job. No more investing so much excitement into it. Not going to take anything there personally. I'm going to think of it as just something to do during the day. Work isn't the place to make friends (like school or uni). I hate how fake I have to be and how they're trying to make me act. But it's ok, I will think of it as a game. Nothing more. I'm starting to get worried about lasting through my trial period. I think I will break down if I don't. My goal is to work there for at least a year. It's my new challenge. I thought it was going to be easier. I must not let them make me feel small.

Keep forgetting to email the girls from my last temp job. I miss them. There are two girls my age at this company who are pretty cool so I just chat with them. One of them will be leaving next year which is kinda sad 'cause it's not as much fun with just one. The one who's staying offered me to move in to her shared house 'cause it's so close to work and they have a spare room. Although waking up an hour before I have to be at work is very tempting, I don't think I'd be comfortable living with strangers.

I'm only moving out with David. I remember April and I made a pact that we were going to move out when we are 25 if we're both still single so we don't feel so pathetic living with our parents, but I guess that's not going to be happening anymore.

It's only Monday but I'm looking forward to the weekend already.

Together Forever

Had such a beautiful weekend that I'm not looking forward to dealing with people at work tomorrow in the slightest.

Spent so much time with David in the last few days and I already miss him. All I want is to be able to see him every day. He always manages to ease my mind. Work problems were forgotten for the last few days thanks to him.

Went to the doctor yesterday to get my blood test results and they said I have glandular fever, which is really great of course. My body has become so weak, it's ridiculous. But it's ok, I'm feeling much better today. David was so sweet, he kept worrying about me and made me take a jacket with me today (which is such a Mum thing to do but it made me happy because it showed that he cared). And yesterday he wouldn't go for a walk with me at night because it was so windy and he didn't want me to get worse.

He came over last night and we watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban because I didn't get to see it when it was in the cinemas. I always have trouble concentrating on watching films when David is right next to me. Fortunately, I managed to pay enough attention to enjoy it. The film looked great but it was still not as good as the book. Plus, it didn't help knowing what was going to happen. It was like looking at the pictures after reading the book.

Afterwards caught a bit of Now and Then. I used to love that movie when I was young so it was kinda odd watching it with David who actually didn't mind it as much as I thought he would. It made me remember my years with Nadine when we were really close and we'd imagine what our lives would be like and when we made the typical kid pacts that we'd stay friends forever. All our sleepovers when we'd talk all through the night. I said to David, "It's like we're having a sleepover". I have to say that I enjoyed being with him more than I enjoyed being with anyone else. No one ever made me feel the way he does.

He stayed over and today we went into the city to a street festival. We walked around the stalls, had more food than we should've and talked about many things. I was telling him how now that I had a full-time job, I was starting to think about moving out and being an independent adult. He said it was best to wait now and save up some money and move out when he could too. He started talking about buying property together. I said, "That would be a pretty serious step" and he said, "Well, we're pretty serious". I said, "We are?" and he replied, "Not many couples talk make plans for the future like we do." I don't know about other couples but I know that we discuss the future a lot. Sometimes we talk like it's inevitable that we'll be together forever and it's just a matter of time. The weird thing is that it doesn't even scare me, but gives me a sense of security. Like, I don't have to worry about the future because David will be in it with me. Right now I would like nothing more than to see him every day after I come home.

We still have disagreements but somehow they end up being swept under everything else. Not sure if that's a good idea. When we were watching "Now and Then" and one character gets her first kiss, he jokingly asked me, "So how was your first kiss?" That made me so uncomfortable because he knows my one was with him. I know he didn't mean anything by his question but I felt really pathetic. Made me wonder what it'd be like to go out with other guys. Not for long though 'cause I'd never forgive myself for leaving David just to see what others guys were like. (Like I'd meet anyone I like, anyway!) I don't know what it is but he has something extra that really pulls me towards him. I just always want to be around him.

Never Forever

I knew my perfect little world couldn't last forever. I'm not in that shell of contentment that I've been in for the previous two weeks anymore.

Things at work have taken a turn for the worse. Renee took me outside for a 'chat' to give me some 'feedback'.

First she had the nerve to ask if I didn't come to work because I wasn't liking it. How could she forget that she was the one to tell me to go home?

Then, she said I was strong-headed and argumentative. I almost felt like laughing, if only it wasn't so sad.

When I asked her to give me an example (because I never argued with anyone at work that I was aware of), she told me of one event when I clarified the reason for what she asked me to do (since it was completely unnecessary). I tried to defend myself by saying that I only asked her to get more information so I was able to deal with the task better. And she said, "See! You're arguing again!"

I swear I felt like I was a school student talking to a power-hungry teacher who wouldn't let me say a word without it being construed as arguing.

Then she kept going on about how everyone at the office had more experience than me and that I shouldn't do some of the work that I've been doing because we had other people to do it. (Let's just forget for a moment that these 'other people', which really referred to only one specific person, couldn't do her job properly even with all her experience). I was told I should work better in a team and not try to take control of everything.

All I've been doing is helping everyone. I haven't controlled anything. I've done all the things people have asked me to.

Then, she told me I didn't talk on the phone properly, which had to be a complete joke. I was always under the impression that I sounded good on the phone since I only ever got anywhere if I called and I've had people say I sound good on the phone. I'm sure they wouldn't say it for no reason. All the temp jobs were fine with how I answered the phone.

She said she had 'received' feedback that I was too abrupt with people. So I need 'reception training'. Did they forget I don't even care about being a receptionist and it's supposed to be only temporary? She told me to say things she never does when she's on the phone which I find very hypocritical.

Anyway, had this 'reception training' which was a big waste of time. The woman who did it with me made me call up 10 businesses to hear what they say. Then she asked which ones I wouldn't feel comfortable calling again. Seriously, if I was after something, I wouldn't not call a company just because the receptionist didn't have the 'right inflexion in her voice'. How sensitive do you have to be?! Not like any of them were rude or anything. This woman totally criticised one receptionist who had a different intonation because of her accent. She said it was very unprofessional. I guess she hasn't watched SBS news where the newsreaders have accents and no one cares.

What annoyed me even more was how Renee and this woman got everyone involved and now have everyone checking me every time I answer the phone, which makes me really self-conscious and I stop sounding natural.

I was really upset about it yesterday but thanks to Mum and David I feel much better. They both think Renee just wants to feel like she has more power and this is her way of showing it. Mum said people who are busy don't waste time on these things. She obviously doesn't have enough work to do. I asked my Dad (who works in a small company of mainly men) about his company's new receptionist and if anyone criticises her and he said, "We don't criticise. We have better things to do. Last time I walked by her desk, she was doing uni work and no one said a word," and Mum said it's more of a woman thing to create these sorts of problems.

Being able to get too analytical about things (which I actually haven't done in a while), I started thinking maybe Renee was right and I didn't talk on the phone properly, although she's definitely not right about me being argumentative. There is no way that could be said. Anyway, I decided to just think of it as her issue of power (since she's under the impression that without her the business would collapse) that's got nothing to do with me. And from now on, I won't even question her about any stupid thing she asks me to do. I'll just do it. I'll follow through all the 'reception training' techniques, no matter how dumb they are. I'll wait it out until I get to do more marketing work and leave the admin behind to someone else.

Must remind myself that her highest education is doing an Excel course which makes her think she knows everything about computers. She wouldn't even let me change my own account name because she thought only the 'administator' (i.e. her) could do it. So when she was doing it, she kept saying, "Don't look!" which was so ridiculous 'cause I didn't have to look to know what she was doing.

This all shouldn't upset me but somehow it still does. I hate how she involved other people in thinking I'm inferior. Plus, my reception trainer woman undermines me. After she told me that everyone has egos and it's best to stroke them all the time to get results, she sent me an email complimenting me. How much more obvious could you be?! Can't she tell I know what she's doing?

At the interview (for this job), they told me that I'll have to 'assist' with admin work. But now I'm the one 'doing' it.

I guess I just need to wait it out for a few months, but Renee has just made it so much more difficult for me. I hate people talking down to me and she's managed to at least make me think that everyone is.

To make myself feel better about the trainer woman, I just remind myself that she's getting dates online and her love life is pretty horrible.

There's nothing to make me feel better than reminding myself that these people who like to put themselves above me are not so perfect themselves.

All of this made me wonder, what's harder to obtain, a happy relationship or a successful job?

Something To Be

Has the fear taken over you
Tell me
Is that what you want
To make up your life

Hold on to me
Never leave
Forever be what you mean to me right now.

***

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same.

***

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Hey man
Play another one of those heartbreak songs
Tell another story how things go wrong
And they never get back
My pain is a platinum stack.

***

It's morning
I wake up
The taste of summer sweetness on my mind
It's a clear day
In this city
Let's go dance under the street lights

We may never find our reason to shine
But here and now this is our time
And I may never find the meaning of life
But for this moment I am fine.

Sick Leave

I cannot believe it's only been two weeks of my new job and I've already taken three out of five sick leave days. Woke up feeling worse than yesterday so thought there's no point going in if they sent me home when I was feeling better.

When I called to tell them, Renee asked, "Do you think you'll be coming in tomorrow?" It's so not fair how she can start making me feel guilty when she's the one who made me go home when I was capable of being at work. I know I could've lasted yesterday at work if I wasn't made to talk.

Went to the doctor's again (gosh, I'm becoming such an April) and she told me that if it's not tonsilitis, then it's glandular fever in which case nothing can be done anyway. Such great news to hear.

Had a blood test done. Every time the nurse is about to stick the needle in my arm, I get a little anxious that it's really going to hurt but when it's in my vein, I always find myself thinking, "That's it?"

I just want to get back to work and be able to do all that I need, which includes talking a lot.

David finishes his exams today so I want to be healthy to enjoy all the extra time we'll have together. Will now get to see him more than just on the weekends, like it's been for the last couple of weeks.

Pressure

I think today was a new record. I went to work for the whole of 10 minutes! Pretty much as soon as I came in, Renee told me to go home. I said that even though I wasn't able to really speak, I could still do other work but she said that it wasn't a good idea to infect other people and they they managed fine yesterday without me.

How could they manage fine?! What about my job? I need to do it. I can't be seen as unimportant. Maybe it's just that they're not so busy at the moment. Of course they need me.

Well, at least they know I really am sick and not just taking days off. It would've looked bad if I didn't show up for two days in a row. Much better to come looking really bad and being told to go home.

I promised to call David yesterday but just as I was writing him a message to say it hurt too much to talk, he rang me. Pretty much from my "Hey..." he knew something was wrong. It really didn't help that on the weekend I kept going on about my chemical balance (or I should say 'imbalance') results. He now thinks that I'm the type of person to always get sick. I think it's karma because of all the times I got annoyed at April's constant sickness. I'm starting to feel more understanding. It's really nothing anyone can do about. You can't help getting sick.

He now thinks I'm weak which is so not what I want him to think (even if there might be some truth to it).

David asked if I wanted to go to a see a band I never liked. I said no. He then said that his sister isn't allowed to go unless he comes and he isn't going if I'm not. So his sister isn't going to be too happy with me. I told him that wasn't fair to put all the pressure on me because I'd never do that to him. He said, "I'm not you so I would". And he was only half joking. He knows I don't succumb to such pressure because it's not like it's $20. I'm not spending 70 bucks on a band I don't even like. I think if he really wanted me to come, he and his sister could pay for my ticket. It's only fair.

Excitement of Real Life

I think the more exciting my real life gets, the more boring my blog becomes. I guess it's easier trying to make ordinary things interesting than just retelling real life events (that can only be understood if you've experienced them).

Also less time to write (because of work and going out) makes me less enthusiastic. I no longer need this to fill the emptyness and free time of my life. There were so many times during the day when I'd think,"Ooo, this would make an interesting blog entry" but by the time I get home, I just can't be bothered writing about it, and a few days later that story seems old and irrelevant.

Swollen

Guess where I am right now?

At home.

One side of my throat feels like it's ripping. I can't even eat breakfast 'cause it hurts too much to swallow. Went to the doctor at 8am and she told me that if it's an infection, it should clear in three days. Three days!!! I don't have that much time! I have to be at work tomorrow and I can't speak. She said I should definitely have another day off. Doesn't she not realise that not only do I have tons of work, I'm already behind by not going in today.

She also said that if the antibiotics don't clear, I have to come in for a blood test to make sure I don't have glandular fever. I so don't need this right now.

When I called work, they didn't sound too happy about me not showing up. Wish I could have the doctor tell them how badly my glands are swollen.

So Filling

Had the best weekend. I so don't want to go to work tomorrow and you know how much I love my job.

On Friday Claudia came to meet me for lunch. She finished uni and is now looking for a job so she has a lot of free time (when she's not working at her casual job). Had such a filling meal, something I haven't had in a while 'cause when I get home after work, I never feel like a full dinner. I'm hoping there'll be a job opportunity for her at my company. How cool would it be to have a high school friend working with me?!

On Saturday morning I went to my naturopath to get my results. Apparently I have so much of one mineral that it didn't even fit into the standard table. So she's pretty certain that's what's causing my urticaria. Have no idea how my body could store so much of it since the only way to get an excess of it is if you work with metals because it's impossible to get such a large amount just from food.

Anyway, she ended up giving me tons of different vitamins that are supposed to block this mineral. We'll see what happens.

David came over in the afternoon and we went to the beach, which was really lovely because lately we've just been hanging out at each other's houses. The weather was beautiful so it was wonderful to walk along the beach just before sunset. I love the beach atmosphere in the afternoon, when people are no longer swimming but just exercising or hanging around with their families or friends. It has such a holiday feel to it.

We decided to have dinner at a nearby cafe which was awesome since I don't think I've ever eaten out at a proper cafe (i.e. not fast food) on the beach. David ordered a chicken caesar salad and I decided on a steak sandwich (because my test results recommended that I eat more meat). When the waitress brought out our food, she was going to give me the salad and David the steak. It was funny when I told her the huge steak sandwich (that came with a pile of fries) was for me. And there was David having his healthy chicken with salad. Since I usually don't eat much, he was so surprised at how much food I was eating, he told my Mum (later when we got home). Mum said to me later, "Have you never eaten with him? His eyes were on fire when he was telling me what you ate".

It was one of the best meals I've had in a long time.

On Sunday I went to meet up with the girls from uni. We went shopping, had lunch and walked around the stalls at the festival. It was good to catch up. I really didn't think I'd stay in touch with people from uni but somehow we manage to meet up.

The Power of Music

I always liked music, especially when I became a teenager and the tunes and lyrics evoked emotions that you couldn't do justice with just words.

Now my appreciation for it has increased even more because just listening to some songs makes me feel and not think.

Music is the perfect expression of feelings.

Even though I'm in love, I'm finding beauty in those sad ballads.

Hello - Lionel Ritchie

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I was going to add some more Mariah Carey lyrics. I've never really cared about her but now I'm in love with her old songs.

Hold My Heart

The salesgirl at my work met her ex after not seeing him for two years. She said he's the love of her life but they will never be together. And meeting him after so long brought on so many memories that she completely broke down when she got home. What really struck me was when she said, "He still knows me better than I know myself".

I don't think David knows me so well. Many times he misinterprets me. Yet I didn't really give that much thought. I feel in love with him anyway. He always warms my heart. On Monday morning I was a little anxious about work because I had a very difficult task ahead so when I got a message from him to wish me an excellent day and that he thought I was the best, I immediately relaxed. Anything seemed possible because I knew that I always had David to go back to, even if everything else failed.

We talked every night this week and I still missed him terribly. He said the same thing. There were so many times we misunderstood each other or disagreed but there's always some invisible link pulling us together.

The idea of us living together seemed more attractive than ever. There's only so long my ear feels comfortable listening to a plastic receiver. How nice would it be to come home and he's there...

Can't wait till our little trip! Had to make sure that we won't be doing anything he's hoping we would. He asked why and I couldn't explain. There was no logical straight forward answer. Sounded so cheesy to say that I just wasn't ready. I guess it's that inner feeling like love. You can't feel it at first and then you just do and you feel more certain than anything. Maybe it's going to be the same. There'll be a moment when I just feel like I can do what I can't right now.

I'm so happy with how things are now and I love that he feels the same way about me. And it's not just in the things he says, which are so sweet (yet cheesy because he's just so typically romantic). There was a really beautiful quote about this but I can't find it. Basically it meant that it's not what someone says but what they mean behind it. And even though David's words may seem corny and cliche, I know how strongly he feels when he says those things. It doesn't help that I used to be cynical and can still imagine how I'd feel if I heard his lines said to someone else.

Like he said, "I was listening to romantic songs on the radio today and they all reminded me of you." Then how he has this way of looking at me that I can't even describle accurately. It makes me feel like he can't see anyone or anything else in the entire world. So focused and warm and content like I can make him completely happy just by being myself.

How To Get High

I'm on such a high right now. I should go to sleep but I just have a buzz inside me that won't go away. Just wish David was here with me. I've never felt in such a daze. I've been downloading love songs which is just so cheesy but words are not enough to describe how I feel. Only music can evoke such emotion. Any logical side of my brain is thinking that I must be exaggerating this. I could not be feeling so strongly. Yet...

Being the Queen of "Getting Carried Away", I couldn't help but quickly check different properties. Not that I'm planning on moving out soon, but just out of curiosity, you know? (If you don't, that's ok. I'm not even sure I do.) Also found my interest peak when I saw some furniture store catalogues. Thought, "This bed would look nice. And so would this couch."

Definitely waaaaaay ahead of myself.

Was watching Australian Idol and kept thinking how nice it would be if David was in the next room. Or even better, watching with me. Although if he was, I probably wouldn't pay attention to the TV 'cause I'd just want to talk to him. How nice it would be... so many things...

Anyway, time to go to sleep. I'll regret not going sooner when I have to wake up at the crack of dawn. (Ok, so I'm exaggerating this bit just a little.)

In Love With Life

I have never been so satisfied with my life as I am now. The future never looked brighter. I'm even not so inspired to write in my blog. I just feel like like I want to write something, but just don't know what.

It was so good to see David last night. I went to his house at 8pm and it still wasn't dark, so it felt heaps earlier. No one was at his house so I expected my hormones to take over because I haven't seen him for a week but I just had this urge to tell him about every detail that happened at work so we (mainly I) talked non-stop. I was getting quite carried away with my stories and rather than just smiling and nodding politely, he was actually interested. It was so good to vent to him, rather than here (since I can't blog too much about work). It makes me feel so good to know he cares about what's happening in my life since he's always enthusiastic about finding out what's been going on.

He asked if I could come to his family Christmas party. I said, "But isn't it just going to be all your family?" and he said, "Yeah, but I feel like you're part of the family now". It was weird 'cause my parents consider him almost like family too.

After we picked up his sister from work, she showed me her formal dresses. I didn't like either of them but said that she looked really pretty in them. Even though his sister is very sweet, she can be a real handful so I don't want to get on her bad side.

Since we're going to miss out on my work's Christmas party, at least we get to go to his work's one. It'd be cool to go to a work function as someone's partner. Then we'll be spending New Year's Eve together. I was like, "Finally I'll get a kiss when the clock strikes midnight" and he said, "Definitely! But you don't have to wait till then". Then there's Valentine's Day. And there I am getting ahead of myself again. So many things to look forward to.

We also managed to somehow start talking about where we would like to live and the longevity of relationships. I said that in my opinion for a relationship to work, the two people had to have the same goals in life, otherwise the two people would drift apart (since they'd be going after different things). David asked, "So what are your goals in life?" The fact that he even asked me that filled me with so much joy. I absolutely love when he asks questions about what I want and what I think. After I told him and asked him, his goals were almost identical to mine. We both wanted a family, to develop our careers and travel.

It's odd to reflect that we haven't even been going out for 6 months and I've never felt closer to anyone else. Even April, which is so hard to believe because of how closely we were connected mentally and emotionally. Even with our differences (which we openly aknowledge), we're always on the same wavelength. And the more time we spend together, the closer we get and the more I feel like I can accept all the things I never agreed with before.

And now that I have a job I love, I feel like I have everything I've ever wanted. Even more.