Back

I just spent a couple of hours trying to get the comments thing to match my website. And the window closed down. I can't be bothered anymore.

I've been quite good today actually. I did quite a bit of uni work although I did get distracted by the comments thing. But if you think about it, it's actually quite useful for me to be trying to figure out the code for it for my future career in web design.

Max is back.

Nadine is back too. Her mother called mine to invite our family to her 21st birthday. Our parents don't get on at all and yet her mother invited us before Nadine even told me about it. What is going on?! I'm really confused. Why didn't Nadine tell me that she was going overseas? Why didn't she tell me that she was back? Why do I get invited to her birthday party by her MOTHER?!!!

The whole thing is just too sad. Andrew never liked Nadine so he made me feel better. Nadine used to envy me that I had Andrew (which is very understandable). She tried to act like he was her brother too which used to make me really annoyed at Andrew because when I was little it seemed that Andrew would always take her attention away from me. That was so stupid. There's no one more loyal than my brother. I'm glad I have other friends now because if this happened when I was younger, I would've been devastated. Now, I'm just confused. It's just a pity that things had to turn out that way. April is such a better friend that Nadine ever can be. And so is Amelia. And Christine and Claudia. Nadine can't be compared to any real friend right now.

My Mum is forcing herself not to say "I told you so" because although she doesn't mind Nadine, she can't stand her parents. She always thinks that every bad thing that Nadine does is brainwashed into her by her mother. Nadine is easily influenced. When I used to spend heaps of time with her, she was always trying to match my behaviour. Even her Mum said thank you to me when she got into uni (as if I had anything to do with that) because she thought that she only went because I always wanted to go. When she hung out with her private school friends, she'd do really stupid things and act completely differently. When she made uni friends, she told me how much easier it was to be herself. I used to feel privileged that out of all people, I was the one that she told stuff to and could be herself. Maybe now that she's popular, she doesn't need me. Although she's only popular with people that don't really know her. People that are close to her know how difficult she can be.

April could've come over today but I needed to do uni work. I love seeing her every week.

I want to go dancing.

Andrew went to a party. Speaking of him, one of his friends (who's a model) meets heaps of people from the net. That just goes to show that maybe you don't have to be desperate to meet people from the net. Andy said that the girl is having some guy from America coming over to stay at her house!!! Her parents called his school to make sure that he exists. I'd never tell my parents about what I do online but then I'd never have a stranger stay over. I still haven't even met Max (one person that I properly communicated with for over 2 years, going 3 now). And he sounds the most normal. If only he wasn't so quiet on the phone. I always imagined him to be more talkative. I know he said he was shy but so am I. Well, maybe not anymore. I surprised myself at how at ease I was on the phone.

April was telling me how annoying her ex-best friend was when all she talks about is about a guy who she met from the net and how they are just good friends. April said that she wants to tell her to just go out with him already if he's the only thing she ever talks about. April was saying how her friend can put him into any conversation. She even gave me a funny demonstration. It just made me think of Max and how when I was obsessed with him, I'd only talk about him to Andrew. I wonder what April would think of that if I told her. I was really close to telling her about Max but then thought against it. There's not much to say anyway.

Well, I can go about him for ages sometimes but not so much anymore. He's just a really kind guy with no tertiary education. That's my summary of him. Sure, there are a lot of things about him, some of which I don't even know. He has a complicated life.

Show Business

April and I are writing a movie now because we decided that it's a lot easier to get a movie produced than a TV show. And if the movie is popular, it will be a lot easier to get the show done.

I read somewhere that it's best not to write about personal things. I don't know, everything we write is quite personal. The best stuff that we've done were about ourselves. The very first thing we wrote together had nothing to do with our lives and it was pretty stupid and cliche. Or maybe that was because we were 15.

I'm glad we're writing again though.

3 Things

Well, I can write about 3 things that happened today. They were all negative but at least I can write something other than random thoughts.

1. When I was getting out of the train station, some woman behind me tried to overtake me and slipped and fell as a result, almost taking me with her. I turned around to see if she was all right, but she started yelling, "Fuck!" over and over and wouldn't get up. She looked as if she was on drugs. She went completely insane from anger, rather than pain. I didn't know if I should've stayed and did something or leave her. I mumbled 'sorry' even though it wasn't my fault, it just looked like it was because she tripped on me. I shouldn't have said it because she may have started to think that it really was my fault. There was the usual group of druggies sitting around who saw the whole thing and kept screaming 'Fuck!' as well. I got a bit scared and quickly went. I'm scared to go to that station alone now because what if the woman (who looks like she hangs around with the druggies) will get them all to bash me up?

2. Guess who walked in late into our lecture? Mark! My heart must've skipped a beat. I thought that maybe he changed courses back to my one. He looked so cute!!! Really neat, without trying to impress anyone. And those blond curls! I had to remind myself that I no longer care if he likes me or not because I know his bad points. It was really hard though! I was glad when he left because I'm so much more relaxed when I don't want to impress anyone. First Nathan came to our lecture (last week), now Mark! It's the second time he surprised me with his presence! I don't like surprises like that because at first I get really excited but then really disappointed. Not a good feeling.

3. I shouldn't have said anything about Fabian ignoring me because he was a real jerk today. I hate him. In the lecture, every time the lecturer asked a question and no one would answer, he'd say my name so that the lecturer would look at me. Anyone who reads my blog knows how much I despise speaking in front of a large group so him attracting attention to me made me really angry. The first time I ignored him but then he wouldn't shut up so I gave him a 'look' that hopefully he interpreted as "Shut up or I will kill you". After a couple of times, when the lecturer was actually waiting for an answer from me, another guy saved me and answered himself. Why the hell does Fabian have to single me out in front of everyone?! Can't he pick on someone else. I hate him.

Yesterday I had that indigestion type pain again so I decided that my body was telling me to call the gallbladder surgeon. I'm supposed to go in 3 weeks.

I was looking through some blogs and it made me wonder what is it that makes some blogs really interesting and engaging while others are just plain boring.

Adrian Mole is the funniest character! I love neurotic personalities. That would explain why I like Bridget Jones and Ally McBeal among others.

I just checked the dancing classes and it's $15 per lesson (1 3/4 hour), not hour! Must remember to tell the others!

I found really good dancing classes but my friends don't want to go 'cause they think they're a bit expensive ($15/h). They are obviously not as enthusiastic about it as I am. I don't want to go by myself, though. Especially at the beginning.

I really should start being more independent and stop relying on my friends so much.

Check out how much teen angst one person can have here.

My Life Now

I feel like writing something interesting but my life at the moment doesn't allow it.

Here are some random things:

* April also got through to the next stage of the Coles Myer Recruitment Program. It would just be absolutely excellent if we got to work together.

* Fabian stopped bothering me and now avoids talking to me. This makes me so much more relaxed when he's around. I think my non-existent reactions to him really bored him. Which was the whole point.

* Jack is starting to go all weird again. He always keeps staring at me. It's really unnerving.

* Justin (the weird guy) is actually quite interesting but I can't help but be really distant towards him because in my head, he's stuck as the weirdo that has no social skills. I can't change that perception of him.

* I spoke up in class on my own accord. Amazing! My face went red straight after I realised what I've just done. That was too embarrassing.

* After April and my chat last Saturday about finding RG, I completely felt no desire to talk to Max but now I do again.

* Got really irritated at Andrew today because he was being selfish. I hate being in a fight with him because when I want to tell him something, I have to stop myself because we are 'fighting'. It's dumb but I can't help it.

* Thought about what Nadine is up to and if she's back yet. I wonder if she'll invite me to her 21st birthday. It's unbelievable that I even doubt that now. Well, she didn't give me a birthday present this year which was really weird because she was always the one that I counted on to get at least one birthday present from. I don't know how I should act with her now if she calls me or if I'll see her at uni. I can't believe how weird our friendship got.
April said that it's inevitable for childhood best friends to drift apart. I really believed that it was possible to be best friends with someone for your whole life because of how close Nadine and I were. She was just like my sister. And the really strange thing is that I still see her as my sister, only one that I haven't seen or spoken to for a really long time.

* I'm trying to read "Wuthering Heights" but I think you have to be in the mood to read it. This is probably why I read so many books at the same time. Each one is for a different mood.

* Can someone post something on my Message Board?

* Maybe I should get a comments thing. I wonder if people will respond more. It's weird that although I want people to respond to what I write, when someone does, I get a bit anxious about what they write.

* The guy that I wanted to talk to yesterday wasn't there. A bit disappointing.

* There is this really tall guy in my yesterday's tutorial. It'd be pretty cool to have a really tall boyfriend (although I'm more on the short side).

* Nathan (really cute but not my type who transferred from my course this year) came to last Thursday lecture for a few minutes. I don't know why but I was kinda happy to see him. He's really easy-going and social and he pays attention to me. Maybe he'll be there tomorrow. During that lecture, Jack was drawing dirty pictures and showing them to Justin. Seriously, how immature can you get?!

* Don't have to get up early tomorrow. Yay!

* My life is at a stand-still.

Bachelor 3

I couldn't resist to watch "Bachelor 3" yesterday since I was addicted to the 2 previous series. I'm happy to announce that this is one is not addictive at all, as all the women seem like competitive airheads who don't really care about finding a husband on the show, just to win the 'game'. This lack of priorities ruins the whole entertainment. I don't want to see lots of adult women fighting over something they probably don't even want. I want to see genuine people.

Rollercoaster Day

Bad things that happened:
* Had to borrow the tutor's textbook and she left without taking it back which meant that I had to take it home. After that I had to buy another 2 textbooks (one of which is the same as the one I had to borrow). This meant that I had to carry 3 very heavy textbooks around uni. And I'll have to take 2 back next week (one for the tutor and one for me).
* Got a headache from the heat of today's weather.
* Hit my head when I was trying to get out of the car because of all the bags I had to take out. It really hurt!

Good things that happened:
* Met up with Amelia (who's doing very well), Emma (who's annoyed that lots of ODVs, including me, are not doing ODV next year), Beth (who actually talked with us, instead of on her phone with her 'cool' friends) and Claudia (who I'm seriously worried about because some 40 year old guy wouldn't leave her alone yesterday and kept following her. She ended up getting off at another uni and going to the library before he left her alone and then calling Christine to drive her home. She's now scared of going anywhere near the bus stop where the guy started talking to her. Amelia's stalker doesn't even compare to this one. This guy was seriously creepy. It made me think what I'd do in that situation. I'd probably get off the train at the station where I know there is a police station and let the guy follow me there so that the cops could deal with him).
* Got through another stage in the Coles Myer Recruitment Program. Seriously, how many stages are there?!! How bad would it be if I got through every stage except the last? All the stress for nothing. Anyway, I'm not going to think about it too much. I didn't even want to write about it so not to jinx it but I remembered that I don't believe in jinxes or any other non-scientific occurrences.

I'm supposed to see the surgeon that did my gallbladder operation a month after it but I haven't gotten around to making an appointment. I know I should. It doesn't really bother me except for a few times where I feel like I have really bad indigestion (although I'm not exactly sure what indigestion feels like since I don't think I ever had it before).

I also need to call about the dancing classes. I swear, since the musical, I have been dancing around the house every time I switch the radio on (and sometimes even when I don't). I must look really stupid if anyone would see me, making every movement a dance one. I'm not sure if this is just some phase or what. Oh well, exercise never hurt anyone.

Dancing. Predictions.

I should be writing a 'short' report for one of my subjects but... here I am, writing here.

On Friday I went to see the musical in which my brother plays almost the whole piano score. It was very good for a high school production. All the kids were very talented. (Andrew goes to a performing arts school.) The whole production seemed so much fun that it made me a bit annoyed that I couldn't be in it. My school was more of an academic one so we didn't really put on shows.

In my first primary school, I had a teacher who used to direct professional shows and since I was in her class, I always got to dance in them. I used to get the biggest thrill doing that so I was very disappointed when we moved and I had to go to a crap private school that didn't do anything.

I tried to get into dancing classes when we moved but somehow it didn't work out 'cause the class that I was enrolled in cancelled and the others were for people who already did dancing since they were 5. I never actually had dancing lessons before, only the rehearsals that we did for the shows.

Now, after seeing that musical, I want to join some dancing class for fun. Dancing is the only form of exercise that I really love. I looked up the ones that we have at uni but apart from the ones where you need a partner, the others sound too weird. I might go to a dancing class that I went to last year once. It was at another uni and you don't even have to enrol to those, just pay for the time that you come. It was the best fun. April might come too because surprisingly she said that she wants to do dancing too. Who would've thought.

I went to April's house yesterday after we watched "Identity" (which was better than I expected). We just talked about everything, the way I used to talk with Nadine. It's amazing how it really is possible to have a best friend who is not Nadine. I never thought I'd be really close to someone like I was with Nadine. We agreed that once a person gets a boyfriend, that puts a whole barrier in the friendship that no one can help. It's ok if both people don't have a boyfriend at the same time, as long as they both had one before. Actually I'm not sure about that either.

I wish April and I went to the same uni, we could've done more stuff together to meet guys. We could've constructed some insane plan and then laughed about it when it failed miserably.

We wrote predictions of where we (and our friends) would be and what we'd all be doing this time next year, in 5 years and in 10 years. That was fun. We predicted the saddest things for ourselves, but it was funny. So when we'll read it, we'll be happy about our lives. Please!!!

We were imagining what it would be like if the five of us had boyfriends and we'd all go out together... That would be the best fun.

We were trying to come up with plans for meeting guys. We didn't get very far, apart from asking Christine if she knows anyone she could introduce us to. I doubt she does.

Oh well, it was nice to hang out with her. It was just like talking to Andrew (who right now is having the best time because of the musical and all the new friends that he made). I remember that year 11 and 12 were the best years in high school because that's when you become really close friends with people.

Sometimes I just don't really realise how lucky I am to have people that I could really talk to.

Friday Five

1. What time do you wake up on weekday mornings?
30 minutes before I have to leave for uni, but if uni starts in the afternoon, then around 9am.

2. Do you sleep in on the weekends? How late?
Well, I can sleep in till 10/11am if I went to sleep late the night before but if not, then 9am.

3. Aside from waking up, what is the first thing you do in the morning?
Go to the bathroom.

4. How long does it take to get ready for your day?
30 minutes.

5. When possible, what is your favourite place to go for breakfast?
I can never be bothered to go out for breakfast. I'm still planning on at least trying out the McDonalds morning menu sometime in my life.

7 Months and Counting

I was thinking (yes, again) about how it's pretty cool that I wrote in this blog for 7 months. And since I wrote almost everything (because some things should stay private) that has happened to me, it's pretty interesting to read it again and remember some things that I've forgotten. I don't think I've really changed in the last 7 month but that's probably because 7 months is not a very long time.

I really didn't expect to be writing here for so long from the very first entry. Also when I re-read some entries, I noticed bad grammar and misspelt words (which irritates me in other blogs) so I changed those. Although I check every entry before I publish it, somehow, there are always errors that I miss. I can read an entry 5 times and only notice a mistake on the 6th time so please try to overlook any imperfections in the language.

Oh my God, what the hell am I going on about.

Baby Dreams

I had a weird dream a few days ago. I had a dream that I had a baby and the labour was completely painless and I felt the happiest I've ever been. What is my sub-consciousness trying to tell me?! Actually I've been dreaming of babies a lot lately. Not only human ones but kittens and puppies too. Weird...

Fear of Public Speaking

I had to do a small presentation today. I absolutely hate public speaking. I don't know why I get so panicky all the time. My heart starts beating faster, my breath gets uneven, blood rushes to my face, my hands get clammy. It's like some disease. And although logically in my head, I'm not stressed, it's an automatic reaction. It reminds me of that Pavlov experiment where the dog starts salivating every time it hears a bell because it associates food with the bell. Maybe it's the same thing with me and public speaking. Just the thought of it causes me to react physically, even though mentally I know it's stupid and nothing bad could happen.

I volunteered to go at the beginning because maybe if I force myself to do public speaking, I'll get over my fear of it. I've been trying to make myself get over it since high school and for some reason it's not working. Aren't you supposed to confront your fears in order for them to go away? Well, whose bright idea was that because it doesn't work.

Does anyone know how to get over the fear of public speaking? Or if you experienced and got over it, what did you do?

Friends, Foes and Others

I haven't written for five days in here! Amazing!

On Saturday night, I went over to April's and hanged around there with her and Christine. I don't know why but I have just as much fun hanging out with my friends at someone's house as I do going out to clubs (or any other place). Hanging out at someone's house is so much more relaxing. While I was there, I actually thought that if I had a boyfriend and had to choose between hanging out with him or hanging out with my friends, I'd rather be with my friends. That just shows that I don't really need a boyfriend. I just want one.

I wonder if I'll have a lifestyle similar to Bridget Jones where I'll be single for so long and get used to my friends so much that they'll be like my family and it would be very hard for a guy to feel more special than my friends.

Nah, that would never happen. A serious boyfriend would always be more special than friends because he'll be just like a close friend... but uhm... even closer.

On Sunday, I went to my grandparents house 'cause I couldn't use my computer (since an important part of it broke and could only be replaced on Monday) and did my uni work a few days before it was due! Finishing work earlier gave me such a sense of relief that I will try to finish all my assignments early from now on. If only my lack of motivation won't prevent me.

On Monday, I wrote a relatively long email to Max (who's not in Sydney at the moment) because I felt like it. I just blabbed on about the Matchbox 20 concert and uni. Pretty boring stuff for him so I don't know why I did it.

Yesterday, I went to an advanced screening of a movie that hasn't been released yet. I think I might've mentioned that April, Claudia and I got free tickets for it a week ago. Each ticket was for 2 people so we could bring another person. Amelia didn't come. Christine came and guess who Claudia invited?! Georgia! Claudia doesn't really know how much I can't stand Georgia so I can't be too mad at her. (Actually it's very hard to be mad at Claudia for anything.) The very strange thing happened, though. While I was waiting for Claudia, Georgia comes up and says in a really friendly voice, "Are you waiting for Claudia?" I was stunned that she said anything to me at all. I didn't know if I should answer her or pretend that she's not there (like she used to do to me) but then I thought that I'm better than her and replied. She then said, "Yeah, me too" and stood there with me, in complete silence. I don't want to keep any grudges but I don't want it to be so easy for her to just come up and pretend that she wasn't a complete bitch before. That's what infuriates me so much -- I don't know if I should show her that I hate her or if I should make it easy for her and be nice. If I show that I hate her, she'll know that she has power over me but if I pretend like it never happened, she'll know that she could get away with being so horrible. What would you do?

When we met up with Christine and April, I noticed that April was acting really strange. Sometimes (very rarely) April acts as if she's this really cool and superior person which makes it extremely difficult to talk to her. In all the years that I've known her, I only saw her act snobby like that maybe 5 times. Most of those times was when she was with other people. I don't know why she was acting like that yesterday.

After the movie when Christine was driving us back, I got an SMS from Max which was a bit of a surprise. He just asked how I was which probably meant that he hasn't read the email. It was weird how there I was in Christine's car with everyone being loud, and Max was a small part of it all. Two completely different worlds in one. Of course, no one noticed that I was really quiet suddenly which was fine with me because I didn't want to explain to them who Max was. The whole thing was just kind of weird.

Just Right

Yesterday, I had a class in which I hoped to meet some new people (ok, fine - guys) because it's small and there aren't a lot of people that I know. As my eyes quickly glanced around the room, I realised that I won't be friends with any of them. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover but I wasn't judging books. I was judging people who, unlike books, have a say in their appearance. Since the subject was design based, most guys were very 'arty' looking i.e. they put effort into looking stylish. I don't really like it when guys try hard to look trendy (eg. gel their hair and wear jewellery). There's nothing wrong with taking care trying to be neat but all the extra things are... well, extra. I like the guys who look good without really trying. And it's not that rare.

I find the extra time spent on caring how their clothes look (style-wise, not neatness-wise) a bit feminine and I don't like feminine guys. I don't like guys who are too musculine either because then they're a bit intimidating. The best mix is when a guy is musculine but has boyish charm.

Oh my God, where am I going to find a guy like that?

On Fire

Yesterday was a night I definitely won't forget.

April and I went to Matchbox 20 concert. It was excellent beyond words! Words can't even begin to describe the experince. Thanks to April, we ended up sitting in the absolute best seats (literally). At first we were sitting in the last row in different sections (because we got our tickets late) but then some lady (who worked there) asked the people next to April if they wanted to sit at the front and April asked if she could go too. When the lady said yes, she asked if I could come too but the lady said no because she didn't have time for that but April managed to convince her to let me come. This was all happening while the guy next to me (who smelled of cigarettes) kept telling me how it must suck to not be sitting with my friend. After we left, he must've thought how much it sucked that I got to sit in the front. April got almost hystrerical when we realised that we got the best seats. April (who is usually very conservative) argued to get those seats. She's absolutely the best!

I've been obsessed with Matchbox 20 music for a while now so to hear them live was absolutely amazing! It felt so unreal to be there.

If their music made up a personality of a guy, that guy would be perfect. Rob Thomas is the sexiest celebrity, not to mention extremely talented. The guitarists were also totally awesome (I'm running out of positive adjectives to describe them). Every song has so many layers, musically and lyrically, that it's hard to get bored of the songs. Every time I listen to them, I find something new.

Books On Trains. Paying Attention. Guy Friends.

I took my (well, the library's, if you want to be really specific) "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" on the train because I didn't think it was one of those embarrassing books that someone next to you can read and give you looks. (Or maybe I'm just paranoid that people would look at what I'm reading. Yeah, that's probably it). Anyway, it turned out that I was up to the bit where she's choosing condoms and every second word is condom/sex and lots of capitals and exclamation marks so if someone would look at what I was reading, those would be the first words to catch their attention. One voice in my head (yes, I have quite a few) was saying, "Who bloody cares!!!" but the more dominant one wouldn't let me pay any attention to the book but made me glance around, making sure no one was looking at what I was reading (since the train was quite full). Of course no one was paying attention because they were reading their own books/newspapers/magazines, except some guy across the aisle from me. But then again, he could've just been looking at the window to see what station we were at. I know the whole thing is pathetic. I just ended up putting the book back in my bag and staring into space.

I paid attention in my lecture today without being too distracted by pointless thoughts that come to my head. (Exchanging stupid comments about the lecture with Lauren doesn't count).

Silvia (a girl from school who has a personality of Holden from "Catcher In The Rye") was with Claudia so had to stop and talk to her for a while, while my uni friends have gone. So I ended up walking to the station by myself.

Jason (the quiet genius) was the only guy (from our group) at today's and yesterday's lecture so he's always with us now. I'm trying to become friends with him 'cause I'd like some guy friends and since he's quiet, it's relatively easy to talk to him (in the sense that he's not going to argue with anything I say). I know he has heaps of guy friends (whom I might like) so I need him to feel comfortable with me so he could invite me out with his friends. Deep down, I know it's never going to happen because he's too shy and I talk too much when I'm around quiet people so they might feel a bit intimidated, just like I feel when I'm around really loud people. Oh well, being friendly can't hurt.

E-mail From Emma

Just got an email from Emma telling about application forms for next year's ODV. I don't really feel like going. It was a lot of fun but I can't be bothered. I only did it to meet lots of people, which I did but I don't keep in contact with any of them so meeting them all in the first place was quite uselss.

Wonder But Not Care

I wonder if Nadine is back... Did I say that she went overseas without telling me? I think I did. Well, I wonder what she's up to but I don't care. It's amazing really how much we've grown apart. We know almost nothing about each other's lives anymore when before we knew every single detail. I wonder if we'll ever be close friends again.

Mellow Monday: Part III

I just did the karma test on emode.com. Here's my result:

You seem to have a real knack for both understanding what people are going through and finding ways to support them during difficult times. By being a sensitive person with a keen sense of empathy, you can do much to alleviate others' pain. This has been an important way you've earned your karma up to this point. This kindness strengthens your current relationships but suggests it will come back to you positively in the future. Through your concerted efforts to care about and tend to the needs of others, you generate good karma for yourself and the universe.

Yeah right, I wish! Whoever writes these things is really good at making everything into a good thing.

Mellow Monday: Part II

Came back from tutoring and got a call to do an hour of market research on Friday for which I'm supposed to get paid quite a lot.

I think my book addiction is getting out of hand. I'm, like, obsessed with reading. I already had books from the library but I just had to go today again and get new books. And the worst is that I start them all at the same time. I have to almost force myself to not read them all at once.

Speaking of books, Helen Fielding is amazing. I love Bridget Jones. I watched the movie but I haven't read the books, until now. I'm reading the second one. It's hilarious. And Bridget Jones is a great character. She's is so likeable, even when she does really stupid things. Which I guess makes her funny. Anyway, I'm not very good at writing book reviews. When I like something, I just really like it. I don't like to think about why I do. I just do. Analysing things sometimes ruins them. That is probably why when I studied books at school, I found them boring.

Maeve Binchy is also really good. She has a way of drawing you into the lives of characters so much that you feel like they are real.

I still have to finish Harry Potter.

So many books, so little time.

Anyway, I'm in a hopeful mood right now. I think something really interesting might happen this semester...

Mellow Monday

Uni has started again. After I got over the injustice of having a lecture at 9am, I was quite excited to see everyone again. I think I underestimated the people at uni. They are not as boring as I previously thought.

At the lecture, a guy sat next to me that had a face of a 15 year old. That completely distracted me and I started thinking that if he had the perfect personality, would I still want to go out with him. (I know it's not a possibility but it's still fun to think these things.) Then I thought that if a guy had the perfect looks and a really bad personality, then I know that there's no way that I'd go out with him but why is it that the other way around, it causes more confusion?

A guy behind me kept sniffing. I couldn't decide if I should've given him a tissue because not only was it annoying to me, but it must've not been very comfortable for him either. Wondered how I would feel if the situation was reversed and decided against it because I didn't want to embarrass him.

After the lecture, Claudia had an hour before her next lecture and I was finished for the day so kept her company. Passing on Amelia's kindness from last semester. Speaking of which, her grandmother died. It's horrible. I never had to deal with these sorts of situations before. I don't know if she wants to be left alone or be distracted. I don't want to ask her 'cause she usually doesn't like to talk about emotional kind of stuff. And neither do I which makes the whole situation quite awkward. I'll probably try to see her this week. I don't know if I should ignore the whole subject and pretend like everything's the same or if I should mention it. I don't think I'll be very good at this kind of thing. Well, I just want to see her and make sure she's all right (which is unlikely). Well, she's a strong person so she will be all right eventually.

I went to the libaray after uni. Not the local one that I usually go to but the next near one. I really wanted to get the Adrian Mole series because it was the only library that had all of them, but when I got there, most of them were taken out! How annoying, especially that they were all there just last week. Well, at least I found 2 books that I wanted to read for a while now so I was happy.

One of the workers there was such a bitch. She kept yelling at an old man because he didn't return his books on time, as if he was some school child. Then she kept talking to me as if I was 5: "Sweetie, you have to go here and do this. This is how you stamp your books, dear, on your way out. Yes, just under here. Now give me that, I'll do it for you. Thank you sweetie. Buh-bye!" What the hell?!!

There was a cute guy there who made up for the woman's rudeness, though. I wonder what kind of person would work in a library... I love books but I never would as a full-time job.

I was supposed to meet April afterwards but she had to stay back at uni so came home and started on my online course.

Soon I'll have to go and tutor. I'm so tired of it. Don't feel like it at all, but I can't be lazy 'cause I need the money.

Well, yesterday was really good. Went out with April and Claudia. We laughed so hard, other people thought we were drunk and kept glancing at us like we were crazy. Not that we cared. I got the worst hiccups from laughing which made everyone stare at us even more. Also since they didn't know what we were talking about and could only hear bits, kept giving us weird looks.

We also got some free movie tickets for a movie that hasn't been released yet, to go and review it so they can make any changes if needed. That should be interesting...

In A Bad Mood: Flow of Thoughts

I'm in a bad mood now. I'm not even sure why exactly. I think it's just lots of little things piling up.

The good thing about being in a bad mood is that soon it should improve.

I'm just annoyed mainly about jobs. I want to get a good retail job but that's not happening very fast and meanwhile I need money. I can get more tutoring jobs (which I was just offered today) but the thing with tutoring jobs is that if I get one, I can't just quit whenever I'll get a better job.

It'd be good to first get a retail job (since that will take up most of my free time) and then fit the tutoring jobs round that (which is what I did last semester). The retail jobs that I applied for are Coles Myer ones and they take ages to get a reply from. If I get any of them, I don't want to do tutoring. It's a lot more work than the hour where I tutor the kid. I have to be prepared for the lesson and that takes time (for which I don't get paid). I'm lucky the mother of the girl that I'm tutoring now is paying me more than the agency said I'm entitled to. She said that she understands that it's hard work and I deserve it. She's heaps nice, although she doesn't care about her child's work as much as the mother of the kids that I tutored last year. Well, I'm not complaining about her.

Also with my new timetable, getting retail work will be quite difficult. I have no days off and every days is only a couple of hours in the middle of the day which sucks. I could probably combine all the hours into 3 days. Claudia is going to be in 2 of my lectures again. That's going to make them a bit more bearable.

I hope I'll get to meet some new people. I need some proper uni friends. Usually uni students mainly hang out with uni friends, unlike me who's glued to my high school friends (although some of them go to my uni so I guess I could call them uni friends too). For some reason I just can't find people at uni to whom I could really relate to. My high school friends make it really hard for anyone to measure up. Sure the people that I hang out with at uni are pretty cool but they are not the most interesting people. They are too normal.

Well, there's always hope since I met Amelia, Claudia and Christine in year 8 and we didn't become really good friends straight away and I met April in year 9. I became really good friends with her straight away. It felt like I knew her for ages since the day I met her. So I might meet someone really interesting next year or I might become better friends with people that I already know. My course is too short to make good friends. I'm one of those people who takes ages to make friends with people but once I do, I'm usually really close friends with them for a long time. If I'm picky with choosing friends, no wonder I'm so picky about finding RG.

Max is leaving. Do I care? Not sure. He's coming back in a few months but I'm just tired of stretching this net thing for so long. I just want to have a couple of proper conversations with him on the phone and then meet him and get it over and done with. I'm not a very patient person. I don't want to hang on to something that is pointless.

Other Uni. Bowling. BBQ. Possible Trip.

So the sleepover thing was off 'cause Christine's parents' business still has renovations going on. Oh well. We went out anyway. First I went to April's and Christine's uni with them which was fun. It's heaps different to my one. I've only been there a couple of times before. I wanted to see a short film that April made but it wasn't on the computer anymore. I guess I'll have to see the bad quality one on the CD. After that, April and I met up with Claudia and went bowling. That was more fun than I thought. The place was completely empty at first. I've perfected my great technique of getting strikes which is throwing the ball as far as possible down the middle of the lane and letting it roll the rest of the way. The less distance it has to roll, the less of the chance of it going to the side.

Then we went to April's house because it's right next to the place where we were supposed to meet the others later. Stayed there for a while and then went to eat at a BBQ place, which was quite interesting because it's a buffet of raw meat which you take and barbeque at your table. I guess it saves money on chefs.

Beth, Ellen and Georgia came as well. I don't get Beth anymore. Ever since she went overseas for a year, she's not the same person. We were all really close to her in high school but now that she found new friends, she doesn't find us as fun anymore. I don't know why she even came, she talked on her phone almost the whole time. Ellen is all right. She used to hang out with us in high school too. Some people find her fake but that's because they haven't met any really fake people. The weird (but good) thing was that Georgia didn't really bother me. What she usually does is whenever I'm talking, she'll interrupt and change the subject. But yesterday, every time she tried to do that, everyone ignored her, and Ellen didn't even look at her when she was talking. But that's not really surprising because Georgia was being really mean to her in front of all of us. I don't understand why Claudia had to invite her. Maybe she felt sorry for her. I didn't even know she'd be coming until Christine told me at uni. Thanks for the warning. Christine doesn't like her either.

Amelia, unfortunately, couldn't come because her grandmother is in hospital because she either had a stroke or pneumonia (Claudia couldn't remember when she talked to her). I'll try to call Amelia tonight to see how she is. I hope she's all right.

Next year, I might be going to the snow with Christine and Claudia (and April and Amelia if they can come). Christine said that she and her sister were planning on renting a house there and it's for 10 people so her sister was going to bring her friends and she was going to take us. I don't really like skiing but I want to go anyway. It'd be a lot of fun. And it's not too expensive so it won't go too much into my savings to go to America (which I'm not even sure I'll be going).

Heaven In Hell

Warning: Religious people may find this offensive.

In the morning, just before my exam, instead of going through the topics in my head, I started thinking about heaven and hell. Don't ask me why, it just came around somehow. Anyway, although I don't believe in either, I thought that if there was one, I'd much rather go to hell. Think about it, all the 'perfect' people who have blind faith in God and try to be saintly will go to heaven and the rest (i.e. the fun people) will be in hell (since religious people believe that people who don't believe in God will go to hell). Hence, heaven will be a boring place full of hypocrites, while hell would be just like earth, only without the boring hypocrites.

For the religious people who lost to temptation and read the last paragraph, and who now think I'm a horrible/stupid person for saying that, I just want to say that I'm sorry you feel that way because I find it extremely naive to have blind faith in something that most likely doesn't exist.

It's interesting that the idea of God came about as a scientific reason for the way nature works. Now, after people have proven scientific reasons for nature, some people still believe in God. And no, the Bible is not proof that He exists.

Yes, I'm sure all you religious people think that I will go to hell for writing all of this. Well, I just can't wait!

Mothers And Daughters. Max Makes An Appearance. Friends.

My Mum has been acting really weird lately. Well, actually since Thursday. After I got home and generally told her about my day and what my friends are up to, she said, "We should go out together sometime". In my head I was like, "Where did that come from?!" but all I could do was start giggling. She said, "Seriously, why not? We should go to lunch or something and have a, you know, heart-to-heart..." That just cracked me up even more. I couldn't believe she was saying something like that. The only time I go somewhere with my Mum is when we go shopping. I started to get suspicious that maybe she wanted to talk about something specific with me but she denied that, saying why can't we just go somewhere together.

Then, because I mentioned earlier about Christine's family/boyfriend predicament, she somehow twisted the conversation about my non-existent boyfriend and how she can understand that Christine's parents want her to be with a guy with the same nationality because she wouldn't be happy if I married a Chinese guy. The thing that parents just don't seem to understand is that a nationality does not make a person. Christine's boyfriend is a weirdo (in my opinion) not because he's Italian but because he just is. I don't understand why Christine's parents don't like him because he's not Chinese when there are so many other reasons to dislike him. It's the same thing with my Mum. I told her not to worry because I'm not attracted to Asian guys. It's funny that Christine isn't either, although she is Asian herself. So it's not just me.

Anyway, Mum said that she knows a woman who has a son and she’ll introduce us. At first I told her no because that’s too embarrassing and she doesn’t even know him. He might be a complete creep but my Mum would rather I met up with a stranger (with the same nationality than went out with a guy that I know but with a different nationality (if there was one). But then I thought, why not? Can’t do any harm.

Just as I was actually starting to look forward to meeting the guy, Max decides to message me. Honestly, I’m getting a bit tired of ‘he talks to me, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to me, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks… etc…’. Make up your mind already! On the other hand, I don’t have to put any effort into keeping contact with him. I talk to him when I want to. My attitude towards it now is: whatever happens, happens. No more of going insane.

Anyway, I might be going to see a musical with my Mum sometime soon since she really wants to spend time with me. Not sure why. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself to be quite close with my Mum, although sometimes we clash in personalities but we're not exactly like from "Gilmore Girls". I'm not friends with my Mum, like some people are. It’s just I wonder what brought all of this on. I think she started showing signs of this at the time of my operation. So maybe that’s it. Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t complain. When I was younger and had really bad fights with her, all I wanted was for her to be like she is now.

Tomorrow is my exam. Wish me luck!

After that I’m seeing my friends. We’re all going to stay the night at Christine’s parents’ business because it’s near the place that we’re going to beforehand. Who said sleepovers are only for teenagers? Last time we had one was last year, around this time of year. It was the best fun. We stayed up all night, talking about everything.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if the five of us shared an apartment. We’d probably drive each other crazy after a while but it would be a lot of fun.

Amelia is probably going to move out soon because she’s been talking about it for quite a while. She wants me to move in with her because she can’t afford anything by herself and she doesn’t want to live with strangers but I’m quite happy where I am at the moment. No one is ever home when I’m here. My brother has the biggest social life (which my parents know almost nothing about and try to get stuff out of me, but what Andrew tells me in private stays private, unlike my parents who would probably tell everyone, which is why neither of us tell them much.).

Last Friday, he went out with 9 girls and was the only guy!!! He didn’t actually know that before he went. Lucky guy! He said he was a bit embarrassed but then realised that it’s unlikely to happen too often and took the advantage of the situation. Good boy.

It got me thinking that in those type of situations (where you’re the only one of your gender in a group), it’s better to be a guy because you wouldn’t feel as left out as a girl in a group of guys, simply because girls are easier to chat with than guys since they talk about a large variety of topics and it would be a lot easier to join in. Whereas guys don’t talk about much (in my experience) which makes it harder to contribute to the conversation. Last time I was at uni in a group of lots of guys, all they talked about was rugby teams and getting really drunk on the weekend. Exciting stuff!

Does anyone have any opinions about this?

Downhill

My day started off so well...

I met up with my friends whom I haven't seen together for a while and we had a great time hanging out, being childish, as usual. It was supposed to be a surprise birthday outing for Claudia. It was really funny because she saw April before we jumped out from behind the column. A guard was standing next to us, looking at us really suspiciously while we were 'hiding'. I'm glad she liked all our presents and I'm sure the whole day made up for the lateness.

I found out something interesting. It turns out that Chistine knows the family (that were my managers at the bookstore)! And Peter (the son) is only 2 years older than me! What a jerk he was -- pretending that he was heaps older so he could boss me around! I thought he was around 27. Now I can see how it's even funnier when he thought I was in high school and realised that he was only a couple of years older. Christine said that he was in her sister's class and he used to walk her to school when she was little. Aww..... :)

When we were going back, guess who I saw?! Or should I say saw me? Amy. She was all hugging me and going, "How are you?!!" in a disgustingly fake tone. I couldn't help but replicate the same tone, "Good! How are you?!" Christine and April (who were there at the time) were looking at me really strangely 'cause they're not used to me talking like that. I asked Amy how the group get together was and she looked really pleased and said, "Well, we postponed it to another day." Did she think that it would really upset me that she didn't tell me?! I was actually happy that she was getting the hint that I dont want to see them ever again. I had a bit of an urge to tell her that the reason I couldn't come to the planned get together was because I was recovering from an operation. That would've made her feel really guilty but I'm above that. It doesn't make me feel any better if she's upset or not because I simply do not care.

Now, I'm really stressing about the exam that I have to make up for because for some stupid reason the department didn't get my special consideration forms and I can't do the exam without those.

A Whole Old World

After a week of being at home, 'recovering' from my operation, I got extremely bored (as expected) and decided it was time to remember what the world outside looks like. I met up with Amelia (and her cousins who came from France) and hung out with them in the City.

I had a huge headache that just wouldn't go away since yesterday so it kept bugging me all day and ruining the fun.

We ended up finally getting a birthday present for Claudia (a month after her birthday) which we probably should give to her sometime before her next birthday. Poor girl hasn't got any presents from her closest friends yet. I would be very offended if it happened to me. I suggested that we take her out and give her a small surprise birthday party to make up for it. April said that we can tell her that the reason we're giving her a surprise party a month after her birthday is because otherwise it wouldn't have been such a big surprise. She can be funny. Speaking of April, I wonder what she's been up to... Maybe she got a new job and has been busy with that. I don't know why she didn't call last week. I think I might call her after my headache goes away.

Laughing Out Loud

I watched "Camera Trap" tonight for the first time. (For those who don't live in Australia or actually have plans on a Saturday night, it's basically about playing jokes on the unsuspecting public and then showing it to people who have nothing better to do than watch other people getting weirded out.) It was actually quite hilarious. Not too bad for Saturday night television.

It made me start thinking about all the different forms of entertainment that made me laugh out loud. The first one that came to my head is "Friends" because it never fails to at least make me smile. Then "Getting Over It" by Anna Maxted made me laugh out loud (which is quite rare for a book to do). It's not exactly very deep and full of literary meanings and can easily be passed as a light summer read but I've enjoyed it a lot more than other books (that are considered to be more meaningful). There was also the short lived "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment" which was quite hilarious at the beginning but then got a bit monotonous. "The Camera Trap" is actually quite similar but more creative. Also, some of the forwards that I get in my mail are really funny. I might post some.

The reason I'm writing about all this is because it'd be great if you told me what makes you laugh out loud (on my message board in this topic).

Dear Bravenet,

I'm glad you have thought about what I said and I can assure you that you came to the right conclusion. I knew you would.

Now that we're on speaking terms again, I would like to nicely ask you if it would be possible for you to show not only the last 5 visitors, but 50, just like you used to do before, and I'd really like the pretty green numbers back too. That would really be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Sky

Dear Bravenet,

What the hell happened to my counter?!!! If you don't come to your senses and start showing my visitors' IPs again (so I can make sure that no one who's not supposed to be reading my blog isn't), I will have to get another one. That is a threat!

If this is some lame way of trying to get people to pay, you are making a very big mistake that I'm sure you will undoubtfully regret.

I hope you will think about your decision very carefully and realise that it was not a smart move.

Sincerely,
Sky

I'm on a roll today. I found yet another readable blog. This one is a bit like regular columns in magazines/newspapers. The writer even admitted herself (might be himself) that her(his) entries sound like from "Sex and the City".

I found another cute journal that's just been started.

How cute is this?!!

Tragedies

I have been reading Katie's journal since the end of last year and I always thought of it as an ongoing novel (not a real person's life) but now something happened that is so typically fictional that I'm finding it very hard to believe that it's actually a very sad and tragic reality. (Her boyfriend died after she broke up with him although she loved him but just wanted some freedom to go out with other guys while she was still young.) I just can't get my head around that what happened to her is completely horrible. I feel really sad for her and can't even imagine what she's going through. What a horrible weight she must carry on her shoulders knowing that she didn't part with the person she loved on happy terms and then he died and she didn't tell him how much she loved him. Could there be anything worse than that? I hope not.

Speaking of tragedies, how terrible is it that those siamese twins both died right before the end of their surgery? I don't know why but I thought that everything would turn out good and that they'd both live.

I really should stop believing in happy endings in real life.

Nothing

I have absolutely nothing to write about but I'm writing anyway. I have been at home for the last few days since when I walk I look a like a 90 year old. I'm getting better though.

For some reason I feel anxious for something to happen. It's as if I know that something interesting will happen in the next 6 months, just like the last 6 months have been relatively eventful.

When one door closes another opens.

I'm a bit excited about looking for a new job because that means I'll get to meet new people and that's always fun. Also next semester I have all new classes which means meeting even more new people.

Max hasn't emailed for almost 2 weeks which is fine with me because I'm back to my normal self.

After The Operation

Well, I'm back without my gallbladder and gallstones. Good riddance. I could go into the details of my hospital stay but that would be boring for you to read and for me to write.

It turned out that it's not that rare for people my age to have this problem because there was a girl who's also 19 who had the exact same thing. She stayed in the same room as me. That was kinda good because I had someone to complain about the whole thing with, who completely understood. And it was good to have someone to just talk with after I started to get bored lying in bed for a whole day.

The only major difference between her and me was that she has a 5 months old child. I can't even imagine having a child at 19. The child's father is also her boyfriend who she lives with which is really good. When he came to visit her, I couldn't believe how young he looked. Both of them also sounded like such teenagers (which they are). Kids having kids is just too weird.

Although, if I got married now to a guy who already had a job, I'd llike to have a kid maybe in a year or 2. Yes, I'm weird too. But I'd only have one if we were in a financially stable situation. The reason I don't think it's not a bad idea having kids in early 20s is because it's great for a child to have young parents. My Mum had me when she was 22 and I absolutely love the fact that she's younger than all the other parents of people my age. And she didn't sacrifice her career or anything else to have me and my brother (who she had 2 and a half years later). So if she could do it, why can't everyone else?

While I was in hospital, I was wondering about what kind of person you have to be to want to be a nurse. The nurses were absolutely amazing considering they had to clean up after everyone and help people do basic things like adjusting beds and helping them walk to the toilet. And their horrible shifts. The young guy that looked after the room that I was in had to be there all evening, night and the following morning, and then come back the same evening to do all the tedious things again. And he was still cheerful! And unlike the other nurses who only came if you buzzed them, he came all the time to ask how we were and he stayed and talked as well. That minimized the boredom of staying there so much and it made the stay so much more comfortable because let's face it, who wants to stay in hospital?

Well, I'm glad to be home (where everyone is fussing too much over me) although my stomach is still quite sore. I decided to use this time to start getting my portfolio together so I can look for a proper graphic/web design job. All morning I've been teaching myself how to use Illustrator because lots of jobs need that skill. I can only use Photoshop properly but it's a bit different. Lots of jobs also need the skills of Quark (Xpress) but I can't find anyone who has the program. Well, at least I'm doing something useful with my time.

Before The Operation

On one hand, I'm glad my operation is tomorrow so I can have 3 weeks of holidays afterwards (instead of uni) but on the other, this is the time when everyone is going to go out. There's going to be a really good party tomorrow! There hasn't been one for a while and out of all days it has to be tomorrow!!! I know I'm being childish but this is NOT fair!

I haven't told anyone that I'm having my operation tomorrow, the same day as my exam. I hope my uni friends won't realise that I'm not there, otherwise they might get worried. And they won't be able to reach me because it's not like I'd be able to have my mobile with me.

I haven't told my school friends either although I thought about telling them. I just don't see the point. Only Amelia and April know that I'm supposed to have it. They just don't know when.

Nadine doesn't even know I have gallstones. I don't even want to talk to her. Just thinking about her makes me mad. I don't know how I ever tolerated her.

I got a message from Amy to have dinner with the rest of 'the group' next Tuesday. I don't want to go and now I have an excuse. I just don't feel like acting polite and pretending to have always been great friends when we never were. Insincerity makes me sick. I can't stand the whole fakeness of it all.

I don't even know why Amy is organising it. Maybe because she's lonely and wants to pretend that everyone was close friends with each other and because we were their closest friends in high school, which would completely not apply to me, we should keep in contact. My mum thinks that I should stay in touch with them because you never know if I might need these connections later but I'm so over that because the only reason I hung out with them in the fist place is because I thought that by knowing them, I'll meet great new friends (since most of the people in 'the group' are quite outgoing). After I realised that it's never going to happen, I stopped trying to keep in touch with them. I'd much rather just hang out with my close not-so-outgoing real friends. At least they know how to not take everything so seriously sometimes.

Just thinking about my friends makes me miss them. I haven't seen them (apart from Amelia) for a few weeks now. We were supposed to meet up this weekend but April has an exam on Monday so she can't make it, Amelia is working and I will just come home from the hospital so we're not meeting up then. I'll probably see them next week then. Can't wait.

Dream
I've had a new recurring dream lately. I've been dreaming of cats or more specifically kittens. The dream always starts out with me feeling really happy because the kittens are so cute but then I get frusrated at how difficult it is to take care of them. I have no idea what that could possible mean.

Bad

Well, yesterday wasn't one of my favourite days.

Got a call at 10:30 from the hospital, asking me why I wasn't there for the pre-admission tests for my operation on Thursday. I told them that I didn't get any papers in the mail telling me to come. The lady told me that I had to be there before 12. I rushed all the way there and got there just before 12. When I told the receptionist, she told me to take a seat and relax.

I had to wait for 2 freaking hours!!! I was the last patient for the doctor and the nurse that I saw and they made sure I knew I that, which irritated me because although they wanted to go home, didn't mean that they had to rush everything just to quickly get rid of me.

When I got home, I got my reference from the bookstore. If I didn't hate them enough before, I really hate them now! For heaven's sake, they wok in a bookstore, don't they know how to write?!!! Every little good thing was made into a bad thing. For example, instead of saying that I was a casual bookseller, they wrote that I was a 'probationary bookseller'. That makes it sound like I'm a criminal on parole. Was it really that necessary to add 'probationary'?! The whole thing was like that. It sounded more like a school report, not a work reference. Did they forget how many books I sold even when the managers told the customers that they couldn't help them? No wonder their business is on the road to bankruptcy. Didn't they learn anything from the 25 years that they ran it? Obviously not.

Then I got mad at Dad because he never listens to what anyone says and then says really stupid and hurtful things.

The highlight of my day was watching "Room For Improvement" because there's was nothing else on. I never knew that lifestyle shows are so effective in taking your mind off everything.

Digital Prints

I'm thinking of getting a digital camera but I found one piece of info that's kind of strange. Is it true that to get the digital photos printed costs $6.60 per photo (if it's not done at home)? Why is it so expensive?

Pretty Pictures

My blog looks so much nicer with pictures, don't you think?

I'd like to put more but I don't want it to take forever to download.

More Max

Ok, I've just travelled in a time machine back to when I was 16. Except I'm not 16, I'm 19 in the same circumstances that I was in 3 years ago.

Yes, that's right, I'm getting another crush on Max. Except since I don't have much else to do with my time, I don't care that I have a crush on him. I actually quite like it. How can I tell that I have a crush on him?

1. Well, I started listening to all the songs that we both like. I like them too but I haven't listened to them for a while.
2. Every time I check my email, I hope I get an email from him.
3. Every time I get an SMS, I hope it's from him.

Yes, I know it's very pathetic and really sad. But I honestly just don't care.

I'm so glad I called him. It dropped some of the mystery surrounding the whole thing. He's a real person now. And a really nice and cute one too.

How much easier things would be if we met in real life, which would actually not be too impossible. He lives 20 minutes away from me and we used to catch the same train before we even knew each other. I walked past the place where he used to work and there could be every chance that I could've seen him. There were also times when we were in the same place without knowing (i.e. shopping centre).

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! I just realised that my archives have been fixed!!!! About time!

Simile

Matchbox 20 to my ears is like chocolate to my tongue.

You know how I was saying how much I love reading blogs? Well, I'd love it even more if some blogs could write grammatically correct, using the right spelling and punctuation so I can understand it. There's a reason why punctuation was invented. And is it really hard to put a full stop at the end of each sentence? Seriously, reading some blogs is like reading another language or a 4 year old's scribblings.

A Taste Of The Real World

Ok, here are the details.

Work: about an hour before the end of my shift, Jack tells me that he has to have a talk about my probation period before I go. I realised that he was going to fire me. I was a bit upset because I needed that job. I was trying to calm myself down and trying to convince myself not to completely go off at him after he fires me.

Half an hour before the end of my shift, he and his wife took me outside. It was too awkward for words. I was anxiously waiting for them to tell me that I didn't fit in with their business or some other crap like that but they didn't. They told me that it had nothing to do with me but with the fact that the sales were so down for the last 2 months that they couldn't afford me anymore. And the reason they fired me and not someone else was because I was still on probation period and the last to join the team. I wonder what happened to the guy who came after me. I haven't seen him for quite a while. Maybe they dropped him too. They were so damn nice about the whole thing, it was disgusting. They said they'll send me a really nice reference. They better! And I got my Harry Potter book for free (as a gift), although they put up the price this week to $35 from $30.

I hate not having a job. I need some money flow. And tutoring is not much. I hate looking for a job. And I can't look for one now anyway because I'm supposed to have my gallbladder operation in the next few weeks and I won't be able to work right after that, and I can't not turn up for the first few days. I hate this.

Max: I got the guts to call him. I was expecting the worst (just in case) so I was very surprised to hear the nicest voice I've ever heard. Not nice as in personality but just the actual voice. He should be on radio. That's how nice it was. I, of course, was talking too fast and too loud. I was a bit surprised that he didn't say much. I felt like I had to fill every silence with anything, no matter how stupid it was. Thankfully, I had to go so there was no need to talk for longer.

He later messaged me to say that I sounded nervous! What the hell! I was so completely not nervous. I just always sound a bit too happy and excited and hyper. I told him that I'll only talk to him on the phone again if he'll actually talk back. I'll see what happens. He probably didn't like how I sounded. Oh well. Too bad for him, right? Right.

What I realised is the quicker I get to know him in real life and the quicker I realise that I don't like him in real life, the quicker I'll get over him. If I just talk to him on the net, there'll always be hope that he's this wonderful guy in real life. I need to kill that hope.

Well, today was eventful.

I got fired (or should I say retrenched).

I called Max.

Don't feel like writing about it now but I will later.

Others

I'm addicted to blogs. I absolutely love to read about other people's lives and thoughts. It's so satisfying.

Do you ever feel like you're just above everyone else?

I'm not trying to be snobby. It's an honest question, because I feel like that sometimes. Doesn't mean that I am above everyone else. I just get really annoyed by some people's immaturity (that they like to call humour). And if someone doesn't find it funny are uptight. Just because gross jokes are not funny, doesn't mean a person has no sense of humour. It just means that the person's intelligence can find humour in less subtle ways.

Although this sounds like I'm talking about myself, I'm not. I was speaking in general terms. (Well, apart from feeling superior to others and being tired of immaturity.)

If I Hear One More Thing About Relationships...

Most of my friends at uni are in serious long-term relationships and they were all talking about them all day today. I felt a bit left out. I'm pretty sure that they know that I don't have a boyfriend since I never mention one but they don't know that I never ever had one. I was just hoping that they wouldn't ask my about non-existent love life at all.

The funny thing is for some reason they ask me for advice on their relationships. What's up with that?! I guess I'm not too surprised because people always assume that I'm the type to have boyfriends. The thing is that I am the type to have a boyfriend. It's just something somewhere went completely wrong.

I seriously just give up on the whole thing. Yesterday I was actually glad not to have a boyfriend to worry about. Maybe after I'll move out, I'll get some cats and wear weird clothes and lead the proper spinster life.

Too bad I don't particularly like cats (or weird clothes).

Paranoid Basket Case

I'm getting really paranoid about this blog lately because I've been writing stories that could easily identify me to people who know me. For example when I told the story about the psycho that was at the store to my uni friends, their every look and response made me suspicious of them knowing about this site. I'm sort of trying to ignore my paranoia for now but it better not get out of control. I already conjured up images of the worst case consequences that could happen if people (that I know) find out about this.

Anyway, I was just reading stories about people meeting online and although all the happy stories make it sound very romantic, the odd scary one makes me question the whole idea. For example, if I meet Max and we become friends, what am I supposed to tell my parents and friends about how I met him? I'm already thinking up of plausible lies of our meeting circumstances (and I haven't even met him yet).

The reason I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to be judged as desperate. I know if someone told me that they met someone off the net, I'd think they were desperate. The reason I'd probably think that is because it's the truth. Although I try to convince myself otherwise. On one hand I really do want to meet Max because I think he'd make a great friend. But on the other, I wish I'd meet some other guy who would make a great friend so there won't be any secrecy.

Although it's the secrecy of the whole thing that bothers me, it also makes the whole thing more exciting and I crave things that are not ordinary.

I don't think Max would be too happy about keeping the whole thing a secret. He'd think that I was embarrased by him. But it's not that I'm embarrassed by him as much as I'm embarrassed by the whole situation.

It feels so nice to be able to talk about this openly here because the only person that knows about me talking to Max again and thinking of meeting him is Andrew and he thinks it's a great idea. I can't take his advice so straight forwardly though because he's a bit naive about a lot of things. Since he's younger than me, I can never take anything he says very seriously because I don't know if he's saying it with mature thought or off-handed feelings.

I know I'm becoming a real basket case. Not that I wasn't enough of one before. But that's why you all like reading my blog, don't you? :-)

Blah

I just came back from work and I'm in a bad mood. I hate Jack, the manager. I feel like becoming very violent every time he's there.

Other than that, work was quite exciting today. We had a man who acted like a 3 year old. Literally! Jack even called security which made the man run around the store screaming. The security had to physically take him out. But then he broke free and was running past the shops squeling and crying for his Mum. When his Mum came, she apologised and said that the reason her son didn't want to leave the store was because it was his birthday yesterday and he wanted a $55 book but she wasn't planning on buying it.

The scary thing was that when I first walked past him, he said something and I thought that he wanted to ask me something. After I turned around he kept staring at me while making weird noises which made me realise that he was not 'normal'.

I'm really thinking if I should get another job. I wouldn't mind if they fired me because that would give me an excuse to one. Also, this job would look nice on my resume.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately with doing my assignments and staying on the net. Every morning when I have to wake up early, I tell myself that I will go to sleep early that night. But do I ever?

Can't wait till next week. For a couple of reasons. I'm expecting something interesting to happen. I'm not saying what though. Because it might not happen.

You know how I said that the recent photo of Max looks creepy? Well, the more I look at it the less creepy it seems. I can't even understand why I thought he looked scary in the first place. It's like with all the photos that he sent me. At first, I'm surprised but after I get used to them, I like them. Maybe it's just the initial reaction.

I need to go to the library and borrow some new books. Maybe next week.

What happened to my message board? Everyone used to post all the time but now it's dead. Please help me revive it. Is there anything you ever wanted to talk about but never could, or people just didn't listen, well here's your chance! Make it happen!

Yes, I do need sleep.

Procrastination

Procrastination is my worst enemy at the moment. Or to be more exact, at every moment where I need to do uni assignments. When will I start listening to the reason inside my head that keeps nagging me to start (and finish) early, for once!

Who wants to know about Max?

Ok, I won't tell you.

What I will tell you though (even if you couldn't care less) is that I admit to being a breadaholic. (I'm also a bookaholic but we all know that already). I, seriously, just absolutely love the smell and taste of fresh bread. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Too bad fresh bread has so many carbohydrates and carbohydrates make you fat and if you're fat you can't look good in clothes. And really, what else is there to life? :)

You know that Atkins diet that is so in fashion at the moment? Well, I think it actually might have some truth in it. Every time I eat less food with carbohydrates, I lose weight (even if I eat more fatty food).

Speaking of food, I'm a bit sick of my gallbladder. I want a donut. Everyone at uni has been having them lately. But just the thought of throwing up at uni because of a minute of enjoying that donut turns me off all food. Anyway, I know you don't want to hear about my gallbladder but this is my blog and you don't have to read it.

My Mum is going for a 2 day business trip to another state. Although I don't see her that much lately, it feels weird for her not be around. It's not like the first time that she left but still.

April and I are going to the Matchbox 20 concert!!!!! Could we be any luckier?! Actually we could be, if we found out about it earlier and got the tickets as soon as they were on sale and actually got the seats next to each other. But I'm still happy. Sure it'd be great to seat together but I'll live.

I've run out of things to write so I'm going to go and get some sleep so I can wake up early enough tomorrow to finish my assignment.

My Big Break

Right after I finished tutoring my student today, she asks me, "Have you been in Girlfriend? [Australian teenage girls magazine]" I was like, "What?! No! Why?" She said that there is someone in it who looks exactly like me and has the same name (which is not very common). All I said was, "That's strange".

Then while I was driving home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's extremely unlikely for someone to have the same name as me and look like me as well! I started to come up with weird theories like someone put a picture of me with some horrible story like "I Live With Anorexia" or "I Kissed A Girl" or "I Have Five Boyfriends And They Don't Know About Each Other" or "I Was Pregnant At 14" or "How To Dump That Loser" or "My Boyfriend Is In Jail" or "My Sister Stole My Boyfriend" or "Achieving Your Dream: Starting Your Jewelerry Business". Ok, I'm getting carried away here but can you sense my worries?!

I will take a deep breath and imagine that the girl who looked like me was a beautiful model, wearing stylish clothes...

My Favourite Customer

The best thing happened at work yesterday. A customer wouldn't buy a book because the 'daughter manager' was rude to me! The customer made a huge scene saying to me how rude the manager was to me and that I was very good with her. I don't think I could've even expected something like that. The funny thing was that the manager wasn't even that rude. Or maybe I was just getting used to it and it took an outsider to remind me that I'm wasn't imagining the rudeness. Anyway, that made my whole day!

How To Waste Time

Check out googlism.com. Put your name into the search engine and see what comes out.

Inside and Outside

I emailed Max and got a reply the next day. With my next e-mail I sent a photo of me. He was really surprised that during the few years that we talked I never sent him a pic but now after 2 emails I have. I don’t think he realises just how much I changed. He said he changed a lot but I don’t think he has much. A nice change would’ve been if he decided to go to uni but he’s still doing the same mundane job that he was before. He sent me a recent photo of him. To tell you the truth I was a bit creeped out by it. It’s obvious that it’s the same guy as the cute one but somehow he looks scary. It’s an extreme close-up and it’s really dark and one of his eyes look really big compare to the other one. And he just generally looks older than his 23 years. I don’t know, it made me rethink if I really want to meet him. It’s weird how in real life you first see what a person looks like and then you find out their personality but online it’s the opposite. It makes it harder for me to put the personality to the face.

My Life In Point Form

I've gone insane. I'm thinking thoughts that I would never before think and the worst is that I'm thinking these thoughts with logic. Before I thought these same thoughts with emotions, rather than common sense. At least before when I thought irrationally, I never acted on them. Now when I can rationalise all my thoughts, I know I'm going to act on them. This is starting to scare me. How could I change my mind so easily about issues that I feel really strongly about? What's going on? I don't feel like myself.

Since Max's email my whole perspective on the situation changed. How could that be? I'm usually very set in my views on those sort of issues. What is going on with my brain?!

It's as if some force is making me think those thoughts and I don't even believe in 'forces'.

Ever since I started this blog, I've been slowly changing. If you told me last year that I would post my life on the net, I would've told you that you were crazy. I'm pretty reserved in real life, although not as much as I used to be.

Did I tell you that I believe that every year you experince something that will define that year and your life in general? I don't know if that refers to you but I noticed that's what happens in my life.

1993: Having the best adventure of my life with Ivan.
1994: Going into a private school and getting the biggest shock of my life that for the first time I can't get on with anyone. That was quite depressing for a 10 year old.
1995: Excitement about getting into a really good high school.
1996: First year of high school.
1997: Accepting that although Nadine is not a perfect best friend, she's my best friend.
1998: Becoming close friends with April and Amelia, finding out that a person can really hate me without even knowing me. Finding out who my true friends are.
1999: Exchange Program showed that I could be completely independent and how important my family and friends are to me.
2000: Max. (Need I say more?)
2001: Last year of school, uni exams. Being able to handle pressure and stress.
2002: First year of uni, meeting lots of new people, realising that it's much harder to get a boyfriend than I originally thought. Also realising that although school finished, my school friendships haven't.
2003: This blog for now but maybe something else will happen. There's always hope.

I didn't write before 1993 because although I remember stuff that happened, I don't remember the order.

So if you had to write a significant event for every year of your life, what would your list look like?

Second Beginning

I think you should consider yourselves very lucky that you didn't know me when I was 16 and 17 because my blog would've been filled with constant babble about Max, like it's beginning to be. I'm sure you're just thrilled. (Well the curious ones probably really are.) At that time I even filled my diary (that I used to keep) with entries only about Max. You can call it an obsession. That's what I call it. I thought it was just another little crush but there's nothing little about it.

No one has commented about this. Actually everyone stopped posting to my message board. What happened?

I sort of decided to myself that I will email him. First I'll suss out why he decided to email me and I'll act depending on what his reasons are. If he just wants to know what I'm up to and that's all, that's fine. But if he really missed me and wants to talk again, I'll tell him that the online thing is over and I want it to be real. If he agrees, then I'll send him a pic of me and then call him. If not... actually I haven't thought about that... Should I just talk to him anyway or should I break it? I guess I'll think about it later.

I actually talked to Andrew about it. I never told him the exact details of how I met Max until today. He thinks I should meet up with him. Andrew is getting really mature lately. I love having a brother like him. It's like always having a friend there. I love listening to him tell me about his friends. His stories inspire me to make a show about his group of friends, rather than mine. All the girls tell him about how they like other guys and always ask him for advice but they never tell him who likes him. He's like the typical nice guy. I can't tell you about all of his unique friends. It will take too long.

So I guess the next few months could be very interesting for me. I need some excitement.

Oh!!! Before I forget I have to tell you about a little incident that happened relating to Nate (remember the guy who used to work with me for a tiny while?) At the end of my shift on Sunday, I grabbed the envelope with my pay slip from my tray. When I opened it on the train, I noticed that the times that I worked were completely different to the real ones. Then I noticed that on the envelope was Nate's name, not mine! It was Nate's pay slip! It must've been accidentally put into my tray. When I got home, I realised something. I could find out his age by his rate. When I looked at it, I couldn't believe it. He got $4 less than me!!! How could he be younger than me?!!! I've got a big issue with liking guys that are younger than me. It completely grosses me out. It's probably 'cause I have a younger brother and I think of younger guys as his friends or little kids, even if they are 17 or 18. I don't know why, I just do. He so didn't look younger than me but he must be. So it was good for me that he left. Imagine if I got a crush on a 15/16/17 year old and not know it?!!!

This is a bit irrelevant but April visited me at work. I was in a bad mood because I was stressed about all my assignments and the 'daughter manager' was being her usual bitchy self but when I saw April, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. She talked with me for a while which was the biggest mood booster. There's nothing like cheering up from a good friend. I haven't seen her for a while and was missing her so you can imagine my happiness when I saw her.

Mind Games

Mind Games

Since I got the email from Max, my life changed (or on the path of a big change). It's almost like someone coming back from the dead after you finally accepted their departure. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I reread our ICQ logs to remind me why I didn't like him but the things that I got really annoyed by don't annoy me as much.

Although I know what he looks like, I always imagine him to not look too good. I looked at the photos again and there's no way he's bad looking. Quite the opposite. He's got big brown eyes and the sweetest smile. Just looking at him makes me want to meet him right now. I know that's not a good reason to meet him so I won't.

I decided to be completely straight forward with him and not play stupid mind games. I'm probably going to email him back but wait a while before I do that to let him know that I'm not going to talk to him whenever he wants to talk to me after he ignored several of my messages (ages ago). Also if we start talking again, I decided that I’m going to make the whole thing real and meet him. If I won’t like him, I’ll get over it sooner without always having hope that he’s wonderful in real life. And if I will like him, then wonderful.

When I was thinking straight, I told myself that I will never go out with a guy who has no marriage potential no matter how desperate I get. I will definitely not marry Max. I just don’t want to settle on him. I need someone to at least have tertiary education and be a complete atheist since I feel really strongly about those, among other things (like no smoking and drugs but we both agree on those). Basically I only want to marry a guy who is smarter than me (in educational things). Max never went to uni and has a different outlook on those things. He also has a lot of family problems and when I have kids, I want them to be protected from that. I want them to have 2 happy sets of grandparents. Also, statistically, people from broken homes view marriage differently and see divorce as a solution to any big problem. I don’t want that. I doubt that will happen with Max because he feels very strongly about marriage and family but I can never know for sure. Anyway the latter issues aren’t even issues because him not taking uni seriously and not being sure about religion are major barriers. What I really like about him ,though, that makes me want to go out with him so much is that he’s very intuitive and senses things about me before I even say them. Not a lot of people can do that. We also have similar hobbies and I just generally like talking to him.

But going out with him would be really not fair to him if I already know that we have no future together. That would be leading him on, since I know he could really fall in love with me. I’m not being over-confident. He hinted before that he likes me too much. He obviously isn’t in love with me but he might be. I’ll just end up breaking his heart and causing myself a lot of emotional problems. But on the other hand, I can fall in love with him too without wanting to. When people go out, they don’t need to think of practical things that couples think about when they’re married. I’ll lose all control of my practical thinking skills, like you can see that I’m already doing.

Did I say that I don’t want to play mind games with him? That seems impossible at this moment. Imagine if I tell him, “I just want to go out with you now because I really like you and because I haven’t met anyone better. I definitely don’t want to marry you and we’ll break up as soon as I’ll meet someone who does have marriage potential.”. He’ll think I’m a selfish bitch. And he would be right.

What should I do?!!! I need help!!!

SHOCK!

I've just gotten the biggest shock! I think I may be hallucinating. The impossible just happened. Even getting a boyfriend would seem more realistic than this. Does anyone want to guess?

No?

I was just casually checking my mail and there was an email from... MAX!!!!!!!!! I have to remind myself to breathe just thinking about it. Just a while ago I was missing him and wanting and not wanting an email from him at the same time. I was so extremely grateful that he didn't write or anything because not having any contact with him made it much easier to get over the whole fiasco. The further away in time that he was, the less I cared and the easier it was to look forward without being distracted by the past. I don't particularly like looking back (although I do anyway) and the only way I could forget (or as close as possible to forgetting) about him is to not have any connection with him.

Here I was thinking that it was very strong of him to break all communication, and what does he do?!!! The email is so short but it brings back so much. I don't want to go back to the same thoughts and feelings that I had 3 years ago. They completely blocked me from reality. I don't want to live in that state of semi-consciosness again. And that's probably what will happen if I'll reply to his email. Or will it? I'm not a 16 year old school girl anymore and he might've grown up too. The curious part of me really wants to know what he's been up to but the practical part of me (that knows what's best for me) tells me to ignore the e-mail and pretend that he never sent it.

If only I had a boyfriend, my decision would've been so much easier. The only reason I want him is because there's no one else and he's not too bad. I just have a major issue with trusting him. Although I've talked to him for over 2 years, I can’t fully believe that he is what he says he is. I don’t know why exactly, but I can’t. And he can tell which is why he started to get really annoyed with me. His annoyance just made me trust him even less. At the end we just got so annoyed with each other that he decided to stop talking to me which was fine with me.

Do you think emailing him back is completely harmless or do you think I definitely shouldn’t do it? I’d really like to know what you think I should do and why since you can judge the situation objectively, unlike myself who can’t think straight when anything has to do with Max.

I know that you obviously don’t know the whole situation so you can ask me any questions that would affect your judgement about what I should do.

Uni, Music and Celebrities

Two more weeks till the end of the semester. Time flies so fast. I'm almost half way through uni. Amelia said that she wasn't particularly looking forward to the holidays because she likes the uni atmosphere. I just want a break from assignments and exams (and get rid of my gall bladder that's really annoying me).

I don't think my first 1 1/2 years of uni was very productive (apart from the fact that I'm getting closer to getting that piece of paper that will get me a good job). Although it was enjoyable, I didn't make any really important connections with anyone and I need to be connected to people. I thrive on that. Somehow, I just imagined it to be different, more exciting. I don't know... My future never meets my hopes that I have for it.

I really should stop writing here at night. I just can't say anything remotely amusing at this time. I just type out my stream of consciousness. Not a good thing (for me).

I have to work tomorrow. I just can't hide my excitement (and sarcasm). I read somewhere that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. Does anyone agree with that?

I've been downloading Matchbox 20 songs. They are my favourite band now. Every song fits me. They never got the recognition that they deserve. I also like Everclear (but not as much). Goo Goo Dolls are not too bad either (I heard them live once which was pretty cool). Another favourite band of mine is Savage Garden.

Speaking of celebrities, Norma said something very smart last week. We were talking about Michael Jackson's songs and got onto the topic of Michael Jackson's actions and Norma said, "He's a performer, we don't care about his private life". I couldn't agree more. Somehow, I'm just not that interested in celebrities' lives like so many people are. I don't understand why. I'm very curious about people, but not about celebrities. I prefer 'real' people. People I can relate to. I'd rather read personal blogs that trashy magazines about famous people. Does anyone else feel this way?

I don't know why, but sometimes there's nothing more relaxing than being on the net at night (and not having to wake up early the next day).

Friends Cure Shyness

I saw Amelia today (just like I do every Tuesday). Although we've always been really good friends, lately, I feel really close to her. I can talk to her about almost anything.

I talked to her stalker today. That was hilarious. When he called her mobile, I answered and told him that she left her mobile with me for a few weeks and asked if he wanted to leave a message. After a couple of minutes of his "uh...uhm...uh..." etc, he said to tell her that he called. I was trying so hard not to laugh because Amelia was making weird faces at me. I don't think she believed what I was actually doing. I sort of didn't really believe it either. Since when do I make up stories to guys who I've never even met? It was always in me to make stuff up for fun but I've never actually done it.

I used to be so shy around people (apart from my family) when I was younger, but now if I'm with my close friends, I do not-so-shy things. I don't know how I acquired all this extra confidence. Probably from the fact that people like me even more when I'm myself, rather than when I don't say or do anything.

You know that quote "It's better to not say anything and make people think you're stupid, rather than say something and remove all doubt"? I, unconsciously, lived by that. Now, even if I say something stupid, I just don't care (unless, of course, it's to a guy who I like but since I don't like any guy right, it doesn't count).

Trends

I can't believe how many people are getting message boards now because they saw it on my site! I feel like I started a trend, yay!!!

Although, I have a little confession to make. It wasn't my original idea. Katie (from Digital Ink) used to have a message board but she closed it before I started reading her blog. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't talk about her blog with other readers and her, so I decided to get a message board for myself.

I guess I re-started the trend. It's a nice feeling to be followed.

When I was little, my brother used to copy absolutely everything that I did which used to make me really mad. When I got a bit older, I realised that his copying should be taken as flattery which is what I think of it now. So if anyone wants a message board, feel free to copy (not that you need my permission).