My Everything

I was driving to David's house last night and I felt just ecstatic. Just overwhelmed.

Got to his house and was just so happy. Talked with his Mum a lot. That was nice. I hope I always get along with her.

Then spent time with David. Did I say that he's the most wonderful perfect person, ever? I probably have but I can't say it enough.

I might've thought I was really unlucky before because I never had anyone but now I realise that I'm lucky after all. Very lucky.

Recently, we've been discussing housing and such. Things like where we want to live and how we can afford it. He realises now that we can't buy straight away, it's just not realistic but that doesn't mean that we can't get together. Fingers crossed that he gets the job that he applied for tomorrow. It would be such a great stepping stone for him and would allow him to contribute to our savings. I've been saving a lot but it's still not enough.

Anyway, I can't help but wonder when this whole 'thing' will become official. I'm predicting early next year. Might have to mention to him how long it takes to organise the 'ceremony'. Don't know why but I'm scared to use the official words. Even when we talk, we don't say, "When we get married" or "at the wedding". We say "When we get together" and "At you know" instead.

However, he did call me his family. (And his 'musa' and inspiration, but now I'm just showing off.)

It's strange but lately when someone (like from uni) tries to organise something, people always have excuses such as "I have an engagement party to go to" or "I have to go to a friend's wedding". I guess it's that time now. Instead of 18th and 21st birthday parties, people go to weddings and housewarmings.

Can't wait for my turn. Can't wait till David's with me all the time, not just on occasional evenings and weekends. And talking several times a day is getting a bit too much too.

Also it'd be nice that when we go places, we can come back together.

The only problem I can think of with moving out is that it'd be really weird to have a new home. I'm so used to where I live now that it would take some time to feel at home somewhere else. Hopefully David will make the transition easier. Home is where the heart is, right?

And also of course it'd be weird to do all the grown-up stuff like look after the household. Hopefully we can retain our childish qualities and not become a boring adult couple. David actually told me that I'm the only one he can be a kid with. That made me really happy 'cause I don't think I could be with someone who was serious all the time and didn't know how to be playful.

Last night David was my psychologist. I kept kept talking and talking about my first years in Australia at the snobby private school. I couldn't stop. It was like supressed memories flowing out. Afterwards, I just felt so good to have been able to share that with him. And he was so wonderful, he didn't get scared off, he actually said he liked listening to me! Seriously, could I have found a better partner? I doubt anyone more perfect exists.

He makes me feel really loved. The way he listens, what he says, how he knows the ways to make me laugh, the way he looks at me... What can I say, I'm in love.

Get Moving

I went for a run today. Well, semi-run... quarter run. Ok, I went for a walk and ran a little bit. But still! I actually motivated myself to exercise. I've impressed myself.

It was still relatively early but man, it was hot! I was puffing so loud when I got back.

Lately I've noticed that I started getting flabby and that's not something I want. When I put on weight, my mood plummets and I stop feeling too good about myself. Plus I have my high school reunion soon and I want to look really good for that. I whinged to David that I was getting fat and he said, "You're not getting fat, you're getting beautiful" which is exactly what he should always say, no matter how skinny or fat, pretty or ugly I get. So his opinion is not the most accurate one.

Anyway, the dancing class yesterday motivated me. Everyone there looked hot. Very fit and toned. So since the dance class is only once a week, I will exercise on other days. Plus David said that as soon as his exams end he will go with me to Ballroom dancing classes. Can't wait!

When I was waiting for the dance class to start, the receptionist (who's also a dancer) started talking to me and she was saying how she didn't want to join the Samba dance group because they make them wear really revealing costumes (i.e. g-strings). That must be annoying - can't dance because of a costume!

She was also saying how she works out with a personal trainer twice a week because she's the biggest girl in the group. You should've seen her! She's got the perfect slim dancer's body. Well, the life of a dancer.

Anyway I realised that all those people who have really good bodies usually work really hard to get them so I can't compare myself to them because I don't (well, didn't) execise at all.

That class was pretty full-on. I could barely breathe by the end. There weren't many people but I didn't mind, as long as I wasn't the only one.

Hopefully I can continue with my regular exercising.

The Meaning of Life

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about the meaning of life is: 42. Or was it 47? I never actually understood the meaning of that. (Read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

There are 36 meanings of 'life' on dictionary.com. But I assume those meanings were not the ones that people want to know.

The real meaning of life to me seems pretty obvious as everything in nature is designed to come towards the same result: reproduction.

The meaning of reproduction? Well, that's another topic.

However, everyone can create their own meaning of life. For some, they find meaning in helping others, while others don't need a reason for their life at all.

I say, do whatever makes you happy and not worry so much about the reason we're here. I mean, probably there is no meaning at all... That's life.

Over To You

Ok, everyone. I'm officially out of blogging ideas. I don't remember how I used to come up with stories out of the most insignificant events and now that things are actually happening in my life, I'm stuck for words.

So...

I'm open to suggestions. I will write about anything you want. Nothing is off limits. Well... you know what I mean.

The lines are now open. Ohmygod, I think I've been watching Australian Idol too much...

The Inner Child

I completely lost my voice today. It was so frustrating 'cause there were so many people I needed to call at work but I couldn't. That meant that I couldn't get on with some important work.

Everyone was really nice though, even though they couldn't help but tease me in their middle-aged way ("Were you at a Rave all weekend?", "You just don't want to talk today, is that what it is?", "This is a coming-of-age"). They answered the phone for me and everything. Nothing like the stupid publishing job last year where Renee made me go home when I asked her to answer the phone for me when I couldn't talk.

When I left, they all wished me well. Every single person.

Don't know if I should go to work tomorrow. I mean, I don't really feel sick. It's just my throat. Although I think I might have a slight fever.

Wish David was here. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone.

I'm so spoilt, every time I'm even a little sick, I want him to come and sit with me.

I was watching my POBian series and there's this guy who's after this slightly immature young single mother. When he told her, "I want to take care of your child", for a moment I thought he meant, "I want to take care of your inner child". That would've been just the most perfect line. I would love for someone (well, David) to take care of my inner child.

My Boyfriend, the Poet

David wrote me a poem. All by himself. I asked like 5 times 'cause I couldn't believe it. It was beautiful and meaningful. Not a bit of cheesiness.

Four lines. He said it took him a minute to come up with it. While he was studying, it came to his head. Because he couldn't stop thinking about me.

He asked if I thought it had rhythm. I said it did.

Don't know why but I keep imagining us old and grey.

A Lot

Spoke with David last night for a couple of hours. That was good, otherwise I was going a little crazy. He also said he felt weird, like something wasn't right, 'cause I wasn't there. We had a good conversation, including a misunderstanding. I think we were both just frustrated that we weren't together and started to get irritable.

All ended well. Neither of us wanted to hang up but then he said he really needed to go the toilet. Guess that couldn't have been put off for much longer.

He said, "I love you a lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot..." Went to bed smiling.

Still Saturday

Saturday night. Alone.

Reminds me of old times.

Frustrated, restless, bored. Sitting at the computer.

No life.

Sad and pathetic.

One difference - now I actually have a boyfriend.

Just feel really out of place. I don't even remember the last time I spent Saturday night without David.

David. Perfect.

Listening to POBian radio now 'cause I've been getting into POBian stuff lately. Maybe 'cause of the new show. Or 'cause I'm going there next year.

The station I'm listening to plays all the stuff that evokes emotion.
"Living without you is impossible" "na na naaa na"

Tell me how could this be
You’re not with me
Why does it hurt deep inside me
Show me where can I run
Where can I hide
From all the pain that’s inside me
I still remember the way we touched
I feel your kisses on me
You think you’re no longer in my heart
You’re still the angel I see

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

I see you touching my face
Feel my heart race
Every beat means I love you
Hold me – take me tonight
Stay by my side
Promising you’ll never leave me
I still remember the night we met
And all the memories you gave me
But if you think you can take them back
You’ll only see what I see

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

You made me feel my heart
You got to me
We were touching the edge of heaven
When you walked into this world of mine,
You stopped the hands of time

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

No David Today

I won't be seeing David today.

I have a really sore throat and he has exams next week. Decided it was better not risk him catching it.

A little disappointed because this means I won't see him until the next weekend.

But I am feeling a little tired so I don't mind not having to drive there.

Just realised that it's only 5:20pm, the whole night is still in front of me. I finished watching all the episodes that I have of my new favourite show. Might go and read later.

I rejected Claudia's invitation to dinner tonight because I thought I'd be visiting David. I won't go anyway, though.

It's weird but I don't feel like going anywhere without David. Is that wrong? When he's not there, I feel like something's missing.

Dancing was great today! I slept in and only woke up 15 minutes before I had to go. Didn't really feel like it 'cause of the grey weather and my sore throat but since I paid for the whole course already, I had to go.

Of course, once I was there, I had a great time. I talked with 2 other girls/women. One I thought was about 24, but it turned out she already had 2 kids, 6 and 8 years old! She so didn't look it. Her body just didn't look like it produced two children. She said she left them with the in-laws. She also does other dancing classes. It made me realise that kids don't necessarily have to stop you from doing what you want.

It's nice to meet new people. Being stuck with middle-aged people at work is getting a bit too boring. I don't meet people my age anymore. So the dancing class is great that way.

I was so tired by the end which is great. Means I got a good workout.

I need more exercise though...

Life Update on a Friday Night

April got a job at a big prestigious law firm. They rejected her when she applied for a summer clerkship there but called to offer her a job as a paralegal.

She's very excited, as you can imagine!

I'm very excited for her too. She said she'll be working on a case that's going to receive a lot of media attention in a couple of months. I wonder what it is! A celebrity or a goverment scandal maybe?

Can't believe that my friend will be a part of such a huge thing!

Makes my job feel pretty dull.

Speaking of my job, I love it. I'm quite busy now but that's the way I like it. I've been leaving at 4:30-4:45pm now 'cause of extra work. I know I know, how good is that?!

And my work has been recognised so that makes me happy. One woman asked me if she can use the ad I designed for her own birthday invitation. I took that as a compliment. Also, got a copy of my first internal magazine with my name on the back. It was really satisfying.

So yeah, little things like seeing my work in print makes me very happy. Not that I'm changing lives or anything but gotta find satisfaction in what I do, otherwise I feel useless.

The great environment, money and benefits also add to my satisfaction.

David is going to have some trouble finding work, I can tell. He just makes too many grammatical mistakes and I can't keep checking every cover letter he sends out. I really don't know how to help him with his English. I wish I could think of something. It's also a problem that he's not an attention-to-detail kind of person (when it comes to writing) so he misses his own silly mistakes. It's quite frustrating because it'd be nice for me to have confidence that he's capable of doing stuff correctly and quickly.

Another thing I don't understand is how he manages to get distinctions in his assignments but not do so well in exams.

Anyway, I can see he's improving.

Nadine emailed me an invitation to her and Dean's housewarming. I won't be going 'cause David wants to go to a Latin American forum that day. Not that I particularly want to, to be honest. Don't know why, I just don't. I think I'd feel too out of place.

Nadine's a bit of a stranger to me at the moment.

Even the way she wrote the email didn't sound like her. And you know why it didn't? Because she sounded grown up. And I only know Nadine as a not grown-up. So anything she does that's adult-like is very strange to me.

The day after her housewarming is my high school reunion. That is something I do want to go to. And not just because it's going to include free food. (But that is obviously the main reason because I'm over wanting to see people from high school.)

David's at work today. He called me 5 minutes after he started and said, "It's pretty quiet here. Wait, I have to go to work. There's too much to do. Don't hang up." I waited on the line until the regular beep sound. I guess he hung up. He hasn't called since.

Tomorrow is my dance class again. Yay! And then I'm going over to David's. His car is broken down and he's not going to fix it until the end of his exams so I'll be going over to his house for the next couple of weeks. I don't mind. He always used to come to my place. I guess it's my turn. I hope he greets me the way he greeted me on Wednesday... like he hasn't seen me in a year.

Damn, I miss him...

My Casanova

Some person from David's high school has a blog where he writes about people in his grade. The latest entry was a short description of everyone. David translated me the one about him, "David was known for being a Casanova..."

Don't know why but the inner me is smiling smugly. I got the Cassanova. The reason I find this kinda cool is because I always imagined myself to be with a shy nerdy type of guy. I was going to be the loud and outgoing one in the relationship. Sort of like my Mum and Dad. It never even entered my mind that a guy who can easily go out with any girl would choose me.

Somehow it's funny imagining David being a 'ladies' man' because he's just so huble, sweet and kind. But wait, I guess those qualities are the ones that attract girls. Don't know why but I always imagined a 'Cassanova' to be a bit of a bad boy. Hmm, I guess David used to have enough of a 'bad boy' vibe to get that title.

And I do notice that girls flock to him in the same way that guys don't flock to me.

Not that any of it matters. We trust each other and we love each other and Cassanova or not, I will always think he's the best guy ever.

Happy

I haven't been in love with a TV show for a long time. How I Met Your Mother doesn't count.

My new show is POBian. My Mum's friend gave us DVDs of the whole serial.

At first I thought I only liked it because it showed modern POB but now I just love the characters and storylines and the subtle humour typical of POB. (I hate shows that scream out every joke, "Look, this is funny!" which is pretty much every American show.)

This show is actually a POBian version of another country's popular show, but it's very culturally POBian.

It's about a young unattractive woman who's always been sheltered from everything and even though she's smart and kind, she's lonely. However, her intelligence and innocence and goodwill slowly starts to win people over.

The show has all the feel-good themes - friendship, family, love. It also shows sadness, frustration, unfairness and the monotony that a person can live in. Best of all, it doesn't rely on cliche plots. Romantic tension is dealt with in a realistic way and doesn't overpower the storyline.

It's also unpredictable. For example, a beauty makeover of the main character done to impress the man she likes didn't make him even bat an eyelash because in real life, unattractive people don't become beautiful just by changing their hairstyle and adding make-up.

Also, even though the main character is obviously far from a stereotypical beauty, I can't help but notice how pretty she is just because of her personality. The credit for this of course should be given to the actress who plays her. She's just so real, it's hard to believe that the character isn't a living person. (The character actually looks SO much like Nadine, it's really freaky.)

Having the whole series on DVDs is also great because I don't have to wait a week between each episode.

I had a look at the website of the American version of the series and judging by the description, they changed the plot completely to make it superficial and hollywood-like. Typical.

So I'll be enjoying my new favourite show now.

True Love

Every day I want it more and more. I don't think I can wait another year. Although, of course I will.

I guess I'm just sick of talking on the phone. It's just not enough anymore.

I remember when at the beginning I joked, "Don't worry, I won't call every day" because "every day" seemed a little too much, too weird, too clingy. Now "every day" is normal, is not enough. Missing a day means something's wrong.

The yearning is so strong and always continuous. It never seems to go away. At work, at home, everywhere else. Like two magnets that want to touch but two invisible hands keeping them apart, teasing them, not letting them.

I brought two magnets with me from POB because Ivan gave them to me. It was the only thing I had left of him and in my preteen sense of love, those magnets were a symbol.

Now, Ivan is just a distant memory but the symbolism of magnets (not those specific ones, but in general) always comes to mind. Only now they symbolise David and me.

Sometimes I feel naive happiness because I don't have past relationships to jade my view of trust and love. I'm actually glad I don't have memories of pain and disappointment. To me, the ideal of love is reality and not just a fantasy dream that's been erased by experience.

I hope and sincerely wish that it will always be this way.

It's kinda odd that I've become less cynical and 'logical' about successful relationships since I've become a part of one. Before I thought that love wasn't enough. It just didn't make sense that emotion could be stronger than common sense. I always thought that feelings couldn't be trusted because they didn't have a solid explainable base. Now I realise that it's the unjustifiable unexplainable energy that doesn't seem to stem from any rational basis that has the most power. Just wanting something is enough to make anything work.

David and I want us to work more than anything. We don't know why, we just do. So nothing like difference in religion/culture/political view etc. can be reason enough for us to stop being together. It's easier to cast a blind eye, put on rose tinted glasses, avoid the topic, pretend it's not there, anything than stop seeing each other.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fear of being alone or not finding anyone better that's the real power behind keeping us together, but then I realise that it's fear of losing the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. And who wouldn't be scared of losing their dream that came true?

The Clouds of Youth

Just got back from the dance class. Wow, it was sooooooo great! Can't wait till next week.

I was thinking that I hope I get over dancing by the time I'm 40 'cause it's not like I can go to classes/clubs then. So I better do as much dancing now as possible.

Another thing I was thinking was that one life is not enough for me to do everything I want to do.

1. Dance professionally
2. Work in film/TV
3. Write a book
4. Have an ordinary life (I can cross this one off the list)

I'm a dreamer, I know. I want to do so many things but I'm too practical and too scared to take risks 'cause I like security. And I'm not creative/clever enough to come up with amazing ideas for a book.

Yeah, excuses, excuses.

I want to be young forever.

"he suffered from what he could not help - youth"

- Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith

Girls' Night In

me: wanna come over on Friday night?
April: why, is David studying?
me: no, maybe I just want to hang out with you
April: what's David doing?
me: working
April: I knew it!

So April came over. We talked for four hours straight. About the usual. Guys and relationships and friends. Typical gossip. It was great.

David called at around 8:30pm saying that he was going to finish at 9pm and if I wanted him to come over. I told him I did but I'd have to wake up early tomorrow to go to my new dance class. He said he'd just see me tomorrow night. He sounded disappointed.

It's been such a long time since I've had April over at my house. Felt really good. Her hair looked really shiny.

She told me more details of what happened with her and Praket and how she realised it's never gooing to go anywhere but she's still holding on to him as a friend because she doesn't want to go back to nothing.

Really reminded me of Max. I was on the verge on telling her but then stopped myself. Didn't want to go into it with her.

Every time she'd say "I knew I was acting irrational but I just couldn't help it" and "I just like the idea of him", I knew exactly how she felt. When I told her I sympathised, she thought I was talking about Andrew (the guy who rejected me after our first meeting). I guess Max is still a part of me I'm not ready/willing to share with her. David is the only one who really knows and who I wanted to know.

I'm looking forward to my dance class tomorrow. I really need the exercise. Sitting in the office all day with only 40 minutes to go for a walk isn't enough to keep myself fit. It's amazing how much walking to and from the train station did for my health and weight. Now that I don't have that anymore, I have to find ways to motivate myself. Dancing classes are the only thing that can make me get out of my house and exercise. Sad, I know, but what can I do? Can't change myself to find gym/running exciting.

Too bad Amelia won't be coming with me this time.

I should go to sleep now.

No News is Good News

Yesterday afternoon, David called my house.

me: hello?
D: Sky! Are you all right?!
me: fine...
D: what happened?!
me: what do you mean?
D: I couldn't reach you for 2 hours!
me: oh, oops! My phone was on silent and I forgot to put it back on
D: I called your house!
me: I went to visit my grandparents after work

[silence]

me: are you ok?
D: I was really worried. It's not like you.
me: I'm sorry!
D: hm.
me: are you still upset?
D: I was watching the news 'cause I was worried you were in a car accident after your car problems lately
me: are you serious?! You are watching the news to see if there was a car accident?!!
D: yeah...
me: did you really think I was...
D: no... but I was worried. I didn't know what to think. I called your mobile, you didn't pick up. I called your house. You're always home at this time. I was going past your work at 4pm. I was hoping we'd meet up... But I couldn't reach you... I got your voice mail. You usually call back...
me: oh my gosh, I didn't mean to make you so worried!
D: yeah, well
me: I'm really sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?
D: uhm... a piece of cheesecake.

Damn. I could've seen him last night...

I checked my mobile. 10 missed calls!!! All from him. Scary.

Went to bed at 9pm 'cause for some reason I was really tired. Once in bed, I felt restless. Couldn't fall asleep without hearing his voice. So I called him to say good night. He thanked me for calling in his cuddly teddy bear voice and said the three magic words that always bring peace and calm to my head and heart. Fell asleep in minutes.

Cocoa Life

POBian chocolate is the absolute best!!!!

A bite of heaven. A... can't think of any other metaphors.

My Mum's friend came back from POB for a little while and my grandma gave her SO much chocolate for us! I opened the fridge and a whole shelf was filled with plastic bags of different chocolates.

I don't know what it is about it but after you taste it, Australian/American chocolate doesn't taste very chocolatey. Maybe the POBian one has less milk and more cocoa. I don't know. I don't care. It's just the best taste ever.

My Dad who's also a chocaholic said to me that he was actually a little over chocolate. I couldn't believe it. I guess it takes 47 years to be over it. I have a while to go.

My brother completely doesn't care for it. Wish I was like that. It's definitely not good for me. Although it sure is wonderful for my mood. Maybe they put some drugs in it...

Ok, enough about chocolate. Talking about it won't make you understand just great it is.

Actually I miss a lot of POBian food. Especially the sweet stuff. When I go back, I'm only going to eat stuff I can't have here. Black caviar...mmm. I also miss different varieties of berries. Since I'll be there in summer, there should be plenty of them. And even though I'm not a big fan of mushrooms, they have this one sort there that I love.

You know, I'm so very excited about my trip next year. I even don't mind going with my Mum (instead of David) because we can go to the theatre and shopping.

Leaving on a Plane

Guess what everyone?

Next year I'm going to POB!!!

Don't know if David is coming with me. It's up to him. I know he wants to but it's the money problem.

I can't say I particularly want to go back there. There are hundreds of other places I'd rather go to but I feel like I should visit my grandparents who are not feeling too well.

Even though it's not my destination of choice, I'm starting to really look forward to it. A trip overseas is always exciting.

If David doesn't come with me, I'm going to go with my Mum who's going there anyway.

The trip wouldn't be long 'cause I still don't know what my job situation is going to be in a year. But I can't help but feel really excited.

And I always wanted to have an airport reunion with David. They always seems so romantic.

Hot Chocolate

David came to visit me for lunch today, after his interview.

I never saw him in professional work clothes before (a suit to a wedding doesn't count). He looked so grown-up (very hot, really). I felt so grown up - an adult couple having lunch together... visions of the future filled my mind.

He walked me back to work before he headed home to study.

That was a nice surprise as I didn't expect to see him until Wednesday.

At work, my workmates were talking about how couples often look alike because apparently we are attracted to people who resemble us. I guess it's true to an extent - take Nadine and her boyfriend, for example. They are like twins. I'm not exaggerating.

But David and I are completely opposite in appearance. I don't think there's one aspect of our looks that is similar. He's tall, I'm not. He's dark, I'm not. His eyes are small, his mouth wide... just everything. Every time we catch our own reflection, we always notice the stark contrast between us. I don't know why but I find our difference really beautiful. I love that David looks so different to me.

Like he says, the two of us can make hot chocolate.

me: I don't want to be the milk, I want to be the cocoa
David: who said you're not?
me: good
David: I'm the healthy part of the relationship and you're the yummy part

Weekend Paradise

Bliss can be one word to describe my weekend.

Three days with David is like overdosing on a happiness drug.

And that's all I will write again about my perfect weekend with David since Blogger crashed when I was publishing my very long post.

I'm very annoyed but don't feel like retyping it again.

Newsflash

Praket is bi. Lucky April.

The End Before the Start

There's been some very interesting turn of events. Not in my life but in April's.

Last week April told me she was meeting up with Praket for dinner and then go to see his new place. I didn't think much of it because even though before I would've thought this sort of outing was a lead-up to something more serious, I've learnt to know better.

Then at about 11:30pm on Sunday, I got a message from April saying that they weren't "just friends" after all. I excitedly asked her if he kissed her and she replied that he wanted to but she told him she had to think about it since she convinced herself they would never be more than just friends.

At that point, I was thinking, "silly girl!" and that she thinks way too much. She messaged to tell me she was really confused. I told her to do whatever made her happy.

All of Monday I couldn't stop thinking about what exactly happened.

I didn't have to wait long because last night she told me the full story.

What actually happened was that they were having a really good time and he kept saying how romantic the night was. She said she didn't think much of it 'cause he was always like that, or more specifically she didn't want to think anything because of her previous disappointments with him.

Anyway, later he asked her what they were doing and she said she didn't know. Then he told her how he felt, how he was attracted to her from the beginning and really liked spending time with her etc.

They got talking about whether they wanted to 'go out'. He said he wasn't 100% sure and she said she didn't want to go into it if it was going to end in 2 months. He told her to think about it on her way home and then he'd call her when she got home.

She quickly realised that she'd always regret it if she let this opportunity slip so when he called she told him she wanted to go out with him.

But he said that he talked to his cousin about everything and he wasn't sure anymore. They decided to discuss it further the next day.

Next day came and they met up for lunch. And who would believe it but he told her that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't think it would work and he was too old to try things for the sake of trying! (What an idiot.) To top this 'break-up' speech, he told her that her lack of relationship experience was a part of why he didn't want to go into it. He also said that he hoped they could remain friends but not go on their 'romantic' outings.

He might've as well stabbed April in the heart.

She said she couldn't help but wish that he'd realise what a mistake he made and ask her again so she can reject him as cruelly as he rejected her.

I really feel for her because I remember how she convinced herself that he wasn't interested in her as more than a friend and then to convince herself otherwise again, only to be played like that.

I think she's better off without this manipulator. How does someone change their mind so suddenly? If this went on for longer, his mind games could've caused a lot of damage.

April deserves someone better, someone who will accept her without relationship experience and will not worry her with quick mind changes, someone she doesn't have to be tense around.

Of course I didn't tell her this because I have a feeling they might still get together and she'd hate me then if I said anything bad about the guy now.

When we first met him, I remember David saying that guy can't be trusted.

Personally I think Praket overanalyses too much, which actually reminded me of Max. You just never knew what state of mind he'd be in.

This makes me feel so lucky to have David. His imperfections are nothing compared to other guys. I won't even go into how nice David is. He's just the sweetest, kindest, most understanding, most caring guy I have ever met.

What really made me upset about April's story was that her lack of experience was a problem for this guy. He obviously doesn't understand how sensitive we are about it. I remember how scared I was that David wouldn't want to be with me if he found out. But I didn't know then that it'd make no difference to him. He told me he liked me for the person I was now and the past was of no importance. Anyway, I'm not going to repeat again what happened that night over a year ago.

You know how when buying presents you should buy something that person will like, not what you like? Well, I believe it's the same with love. It's better to love a person in the way they want to be loved, not in the way you think is good. This was reflected in the book The Dirty Girls Social Club. One woman was loved by a poor guy. However, she didn't want to be with him because he didn't have money. Seems like a really shallow woman right? Well, that's not the point. The point is that even after several love-filled proposals and her constant rejections, he brought her a very expensive ring and she said yes. Seems like she only wanted him for the money. But then you realise it wasn't the actual money, it was what the money meant to her. And since she grew up in poverty, to her money was love.

Well, lately I noticed David started doing things he didn't before but that I really like. For example, I mentioned several times (not intentionally) that I love getting emails. So he started to regularly email me. This is just one trivial example, but there are plenty more. He might not realise this, but I notice.

Writing about him is making me miss him. He should call soon... can't wait. I never loved anyone more.

Names

David and I have a lot of things in common. Tastes in names is not one of them.

He wants to name his son: Albert/Mario/Pierre.

I mean, what the...? I'm not naming my kid after an arcade game character, a name that was popular a century ago or a gay sounding French name. Puh-lease!

In my opinion a guy needs a normal common name, not some fancy one, otherwise he'll get teased endlessly.

Girls on the other hand suit original names as it accentuates their uniqueness.

But he likes Nicole, Isabelle (ok, I guess) etc.

Fortunately we agreed on one girl's name, not my favourite but it's sweet sounding: Sofia/Sophia and it means 'wisdom'.

By the way, if you're wondering, I'm not pregnant! But knowing how long it will take us to pick something we both like, we might as well start now.

The Girl Who Cried Blog

me: what would you say if I write a book about my life and get it published?
David: depends what you write
me: I'd write whatever's in my diaries but I'd change everyone's names and sell it as fiction
David: people would still realise it's about us
me: but I wouldn't put my name on it, it'd have an alias so no one would ever know
David: that'd be ok then
me: oh cool, 'cause I already did that

David: what?! You already published a book?!!
me: maybe...
David: seriously?!
me: of course not, don't you think I'd have a copy on my bookshelf?
David: I don't know what's on your bookshelf
me: come on, when would I have done that?

me: I guess I could publish it online
David: ok
me: really? You wouldn't mind?
David: no
me: cool! 'Cause I already did that
David: ok

Do you realise that I actually told David I have a blog?! And he didn't believe me! That's just too funny. If he ever finds out, he can't say I never told him.

Another Big Move

Almost forgot to mention, I talked to Nadine on Monday (which would be the first in many months). I casually asked her if she was moving out, as a way to move on from our small-talk and she said yes!

I had the weirdest feeling when she told me, like some warm current ran through me. Nadine was about to start independent adult life too. I wonder who'll be next.

She said she was thinking about it since February and definitely decided in April.

She'll be living with her boyfriend. I asked if she was planning on marrying him in the future and she said she didn't know. I think when April asked Christine the same question, Christine said she will when she's older. I wonder if Nadine really doesn't know if she wants to be with him or if she just said that.

Wow, Nadine (just writing her name brings up so many childhood memories) is moving out. When I think about it, all my teenage years with her flicker in a second. It's like I'm flying through time back to the old never-ending days when all we did was dream about the future and in a millisecond I'm transported back into this future - the present. Feels a bit surreal. But then it always does with Nadine.

There's some weird connection between us that will never go away, even if we don't see each other for years. As soon as we talk, the same old warm feeling is brought back. Don't know what it is about her that triggers this. If I analyse it hard enough, I'll probably come up with the reason that we've had an emotional intimacy that you have with your partner.

I told David the news and he was like, "What's the big deal, it's not like they're getting married. She's old enough". It's weird for me to think of her as a 24 year old woman. I always see her as a teenage girl. Don't think that will ever change.

Anyway, I'm over the initial shock/surprise/whatever you want to call it. Life is moving and now is the time when people my age are going through big changes. I'm just happy I'm not far behind.

Latin American Love

I think I'm obsessed with Latin American culture.

Yesterday at work, I couldn't stop looking through www.latina.com. It had the advantage of being in English and had gems like "He can't dance!!! Should I leave him?" and drinking coffee as part of a healthy eating plan.

I remember David telling me that if a guy can't dance in South America, it would be really hard for him to attract girls. Wow, if only guys in other cultures were like that. I mean, it's great when a guy can dance! But obviously it's not the most important thing in a partner.

There were also several topics on the men cheating. Don't know if it's just me but it seems like a predominant trait in Latin American men (not just from that site, but other media and just from David's stories, although the cheaters that David knows are not limited to males).

Another issue I noticed was that there were a lot of Latin American teenagers who got pregnant (according to the site, it's 53%!) I noticed this recurrence from David's stories. He knows of many girls there who got pregnant 'accidentally'. I don't know, is it the lack of education or just not caring?

Moving on from the negative side, I love Latin American food! Just reading the recipes on the website made me want some, now!

Of course you all know how much I love Latin American music. This was even before I met David.

I don't know why I'm so fascinated with everything Latin American. I always had an interest in some parts but after I started going out with David, I just completely fell in love with it.

Before the Future

I've realised something in the last few days. Instead of concentrating on how much I miss being with David all the time and how much I can't wait to be together properly, I should enjoy things I wouldn't be able to when my dream comes true.

Lying in bed in complete silence, with no one snoring next to me.
Not having to be responsible for the household.
Living with my parents and brother.
Not having to compromise my way of living.
Enjoying the time I have alone to do things like blogging.

So from now on, I'll just enjoy my life the way it was for many years because pretty soon I will never have this again.

New Look

If you are wondering if my blog had been possessed by some blue pixelated alien, there is no need to worry.

My old template was giving me a lot of problems so I had to pick a new one (none of which I particularly like). So this one will have to do for now.

I'll play around with it to suit my taste when I can be bothered. The new xml and css format is too confusing to understand right now.

But look, now I have Blogger comments! Feel free to give it a test run.

It still feels weird to see these new colours after having my lovely warm but cool purple tones. I guess I'll have to get used to them!

And there I thought I'd have my original layout for all of my blog's life. Ahh...

Past Hurt Resurfaces

I read somewhere a while ago that being fired is one of the most traumatic life experiences. (The most being the death of a partner.)

As you might recall, it's almost a year since I was fired. I haven't talked about that event for a while, but it often pops up in my mind. I always tell myself that I'm much better off now and that it was for the best but that logical thinking still doesn't make that hurt go away completely.

It doesn't affect me that much but I wish that if that memory came up again, I just wouldn't care. At all. I don't want it to upset me even a tiny microscopic bit.

You might ask what brought this all on again for me to write about it. Well, yesterday I semi-accidentally stumbled on that company's website and decided to see who was working there now.

The site has been completely redesigned. It's all cool and funky now. There's a section about every person who works there, with their photo and a blurb that they wrote about themselves. There are a lot of new employees. Most of them are students (since obviously they don't have the money to pay professionals). And they took two people for the role I was in. But no more 'Marketing Coordinator' titles, they are both 'Administrative Assistants'.

Everyone's blurbs make the place sound like a really fun and exciting place to work. What an illusion.

I read Renee's blurb and she wrote, "People say that I hold this place together and it would fall apart with out me..." Typical. Up herself, as usual. She also wrote, "I never went to uni due to illness (allergic to study) and before you can say "but wouldn't you be able to get a good job?", I went on to become an Office Manager". Wow! A real achievement. She also wrote that her job involved "everything to do with running the company". I didn't know that ordering stationery and fixing the photocopier was all that was needed for a successful business.

I don't know why I should be bitter, but it's always (well, hopefully not) going to be a sensitive spot for me. To have someone like her influence me getting fired. Over freaking nothing. The injustice.

I told David about it and he said that instead of getting upset, I should laugh. Laugh that now I'm earning twice what they were paying me, and not doing any administrative work, and have great flexible hours.

I'm better off, I know it. If only my emotions would catch up to my brain.

The Next Dance

The long weekend is almost over and even though I'm getting the "end of long-weekend blues", I know there'll be plenty more in the future.

David and I visited Christine and Evan in their new home. Gosh, that felt weird. The first person in my group of close friends to move out and start independent adult life.

The place was small but Christine used her creativity to splash her taste and style to every room. She made it cosy. (David thought it was too cramped.)

When we got there (with April), Evan was in the kitchen making dinner, while looking at a huge colourful recipe book. David said, "So you're the chef today?" and Christine quickly said that she did the first part (i.e. the chopping and getting everything ready). Evan just had to put it all in the oven. David later commented that they had great team-work going. Quite surprising since April and I expected Christine to be bossing Evan around.

Claudia came a bit later (without Mike). We had a great chat-fest while David talked to Evan about finance since Evan is in the same industry that David is studying to be in. Who would've thought that my boyfriend would get along with the guy who none of us liked when we were 17 year old? It makes me embarrassed just remembering how April, Amelia, Claudia and I bitched how annoying it was that he always came on all our outings. It was hard for me to understand that Christine might always want him to come with her. I guess we just all grew up.

Dinner was wonderfully delicious! They really put effort into it. We were served spicy pumkin and sweet potato curry soup, tender lamb roast with cous cous stuffing, baked potatoes, peas and roast eggplant on the side and fruit in jelly for dessert. We were all very impressed.

When the girls and I were sitting on the couch talking, while David was keeping Evan company in the kitchen, I was filled with anxiety and panic. I freaked out. I don't know why. Maybe I was overwhelmed that I was seeing something that I so badly wanted to have (in my head) and maybe the reality was different. Maybe I convinced myself that's what I wanted when deep down I really didn't.

I imagined David and I living in that place by ourselves. It could've been the apartment that gave that sense of isolation from everything, like we'd be marooned in our own little island box, floating in between other boxes. The only thing that calmed me down was knowing that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I'd have David. I can't really feel panic if I know he'd be with me.

Maybe it's like any big change. It's a bit of a shock at the beginning but once it becomes part of your daily routine, you just accept it and it becomes the new norm. Just another chapter in life.

Speaking of new things, when I took my jacket off, David inquired if I was wearing a new top. I told him I wasn't and that he's seen it before. Then he commented that it looked really nice. I told him that's exactly what he said last time. That tiny incident makes me hope that no matter how often he sees me, he will always feel as nice as the first time.

When we left, the three of us (including April) talked about the night. David didn't think the whole (moving out) thing was such a big deal. April and I, on the other hand, were a little reflective.

After April got off the train, David said that he didn't want to live in a place that cramped. Then we talked about uhm... the future. I knew where he was coming from in regards to him wanting to find a permanent job before we take any serious steps but in my head I knew that it'd be possible for us to manage with just me working and still get the dream I always wanted (well, as close to it as possible). We were arguing over a few months difference in when we'd take that step. Well, to him it was 'just a few months' but to me it was already a year too long.

Then after a lot of discussion, he said that even though in his head he thought it'd be better to wait, he 'felt' that my way was the right way and that it would work out. I'm not the one to trust in feelings but I guess he balances that out. I'm the head, he's the heart.

I know it will be difficult at the beginning, but I reckon it's always difficult at the beginning, no matter how much money you have. I believe it's all about the attitude. If we both look at it positively, we would find a way to make it work. I told him that and he agreed.

I went to sleep very happy.

The next day, my parents left to a different city for a day with their friends so we had the whole house to ourselves. (My brother left on a trip with his friends.) We made the most of it.

He brought his books so he studied for a few hours while I cleaned and did the laundry. Then we had lunch and watched TV. After a while, he all of a sudden said, "Wanna do something crazy?" Of course I said yes. He got up and said, "Let's go dancing". I put on my shoes and we went to the city where the Latin festival was still on. So ok, it's not that crazy but it was spontaneous since he earlier said he didn't feel like going there that night.

I think when I have kids, that's what I'd miss the most. The ability to just drop everything and go where we want to.

We had SUCH a great time! We must've danced for almost 2 hours straight. We saw my brother and his guy friends later. He and his friends provided great entertainment with their pick-up ritual. David and I found the whole thing really amusing.

The guys scanned the surroundings and a group of girls nearby caught their attention.
The group of girls noticed the guys and glanced periodically in their direction.
The guys moved (subtly) over to the girls.
The girls danced (subtly) towards the guys.
The guys pushed my brother to talk to them.
Andy went for the prettiest of the bunch (exactly the way I told David he would).
Andy started dancing with the prettiest girl, chatting to her.
The other guys took the leftovers.

In a matter of minutes, one of his friends had his arm around one of the girls and wouldn't let her go for the rest of the night. I didn't see them talk even once.

Once the other guys joined in, my brother lost confidence and got quiet.

David and I lost interest after a while and just enjoyed dancing together. I had this film-like moment when we were spinning and everything was blurry except his smiling face. That was so metaphoric. (Everything's a blur to me except him, most of the time.)

Had a much better time than on Friday. The music was more enjoyable and we didn't have to worry about other people having a good time.

I was really physically tired. Wish I could dance like that every day. The most fun workout, ever! David and I are planning on taking Latin dance classes in summer. Can't wait.

When we got back to my house, he had to go. We ended up talking on the phone way past midnight after he got to his house. Obviously I miss him already.

Different Sides of Happiness

Happiness is the best revenge. Heard peope say that many times but yesterday I got to experience it and let me tell you, revenge never tasted so sweet.

I also met Blog Guy (who I guess now can call Praket), a bit of a disappointment but it satisfied my curiosity.

So... April invited me (and David and the gang) to meet up with Praket and his friends. Of course I was there. Actually ended up talking to him alone while April talked with Mike and Claudia, and David just walked quietly next to me. I was wondering why April didn't join us but I thought I might as well get to know him while I had the chance.

Man, he talked non-stop (about Arts and culture). To be honest, I was getting bored, even though I didn't mind either subject.

We were supposed to go and see a free broadcast of a symphony ('cause Praket loves classical music and it was his idea to go) but because he came so late, they venue was full and they didn't let any more people in. (His friends managed to get through.)

I suggested to go to the Latin festival close by so we all walked there.

When we got there, we sat on the boardwalk and shared the snacks that we all (except Praket) brought. It was a nice little group to chat in. April was a bit quiet around him. We found out he went out with a girl from our school. Gosh, that would be weird if April and he decide to go out in the future.

Afterwards, I was ready to dance so everyone else followed us onto the dancefloor. I was trying to make things easier for April 'cause I asked Praket specifically if he wanted to dance and he said yes so it would've been a great opportunity for him and April to dance together. But no, April decided she didn't want to dance but wanted to go and sit somewhere. So they started walking away when I decided I could give her my bag to mind so it would be easier for me to dance. I ran after her (which prompted Claudia and Mike to follow me).

Then all of a sudden I saw Claudia saying hello to some group. I turned to see and it was Amy, Allison, Jacqui and Mary (i.e. The Group members)! They were all really dressed up. David thought they looked like they were trying to pick up. I heard Mary say to Amy, "They all look so young" like it was a bad thing. I guess we were just more casually dressed. They also checked out the guys we were with. The interested looks on their faces were priceless. I guess it would've been more expected that they would be the ones with the guys, not us. They were the pretty popular ones that everyone liked.

I remembered all the times that I felt like I didn't fit with that group, like I wasn't outgoing and social enough. The feelings of isolation and not being completely accepted for myself. I couldn't be silly without them looking at me like I was a weirdo. I had to watch what I said so they wouldn't take it the wrong way. I couldn't joke without receiving their blank looks. No wonder they always saw me as the 'quiet girl'.

That was all gone last night. I was still my old self, only more open because I didn't care if I got their approval. I had my real friends with me and I had the gorgeous boyfriend right behind me. And I felt proud of Claudia and April. The other girls never even gave them a second look in high school but it was Claudia and April who had the guys.

I don't know why but having a partner is seen as a sign of success. It shouldn't be but that's how it is with the girls I know. You have a boyfriend (and a good job) and that means you have it all. If you have your school friends with you, that's seen as an extra bonus.

I think I was looking forward to my school reunion so much because I wanted to see this specific group to show them that I didn't end up a failure. My wish came a little earlier than expected.

April pointed out that they could also have boyfriends and this was just a girls night out. I mean that could've been true but I doubted it. They were really dressed to impress, they were looking around the place, like they were checking it out rather than enjoying themselves together, and dancing really self-consciously.

After our little catch-up chat, especially with Allison ('cause she's the only sweet genuine one out of the bunch), Claudia, Mike, David and I moved towards the stage to watch the band playing. David had his arms around me and would sometimes give me a kiss on the cheek and because I could see The Group looking at us through the crowd (when I turned my head back to see David), I was enjoying it for all the wrong reasons.

I guess my evil side came out.

After the dancing, Mike and Claudia went home. David and I went to where April and Praket were sitting. We chatted to them for a bit. I could really see what April meant when she said they will only ever be friends. And it wouldn't be such a tragedy for April anyway. David wasn't the only one who noticed how self-centred he was. But he was an ok guy to hang out with. I might like him more if he makes April happy. A lot more. He was a bit funny which was in his favour.

When we left Praket to meet his friends and walked onto our train platform, David tapped me on the shoulder to point out that Jacqui, Amy and Mary were also on the platform, calling out my name. April didn't hear them either.

I turned around to say hello when the train came. Strangely enough they didn't follow us into the same carriage. April thought that was a bit snobby but David said they could've thought we were snobby for ignoring them. Well, it wasn't my fault I didn't hear them.

I wonder what we could've all talked about on the train.

On the train, David was asking how I changed groups in high school and how April and I became friends. It was nice to reminisce. Made me appreciate my friends when I remembered The Group. April, Amelia, Claudia and Christine not just accepted me the way I was, they actually liked me for who I was.

After April got off, David and I gossipped about the interesting night. Felt really lucky to have him. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. He was worth the wait. Hope that's how April feels when she meets the right guy.

David left in the morning 'cause he wanted to get some homework done but he's coming back later so we can go to Christine's and Evan's new place. The girl called to tell me to come a bit later so she can go and buy chairs for us to sit on. Oh, the joys of independent living.

Should be fun!

Just noticed David's quote after his nick on Messenger:

"You are the closest thing to heaven, I don't want to miss you tonight!!"

My sentiments exactly. Can't get enough of "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, now.

When You Think of Me

David and I watched the Terri Irwin interview last night and Ray Martin asked her what she thought of when she heard, "Steve Irwin" and she said, "Fun".

I asked David what he thought of when he heard, "Sky Space" and he said, "Beautiful, smart and funny." Well, he added another bit but there's no need to mention that without embarrassing myself.

When I think of David, I just think, "The love of my life". Mushy and sentimental, I know. But without relating it to me, I think "Warm, kind, perfect and never boring".

Still In(sanely) Love

I've started writing this post probably ten times already but feel like I'm heading into the sentimental and mushy territory.

I was going to write what happened last night or just how I feel but that wouldn't articulate what I actually want to say.

Hmm, how can I say that I've just realised that love isn't a hundred different things squashed into one, but just one strong pressure just below your chest. It's physical, not just psychological.

Ok, this is starting to sound really stupid.

Hmm.

Last night was great. Amelia and Claudia both got picked up by some Latino guys. Amelia rejected the guy really rudely, I actually felt a bit sorry for him. Claudia actually danced with a guy. Then he kept coming round and asking her again but she didn't want to. Man, that guy was really persistent. David and I found it really funny 'cause this guy would always run his hand though his hair just before coming up to Claud for like the 10th time. Amelia tried to pretend she and Claudia were a couple (not very successsfully) so the guy would leave her alone but that didn't stop the guy. David said he probably didn't care.

David and I had a great time dancing. Then we caught the night bus to my house. I was so tired I actually fell asleep on his shoulder. We got home about 4:30am. Wished my parents weren't home.

Christine and Evan moved in together. I wish I could live with David now. I have a serious addiction problem. Totally and completely addicted of David.

White. Warm. Safe. Perfect.

David and My Relatives

What a hectic and wonderful weekend it's turning out to be.

David came over last night and we went to the movies and then walked a bit on the beach. Seeing him made me VERY happy! I was so excited to see him that I even dressed up a bit (by that I mean I wore a skirt above my knees). He really appreciated it. He said, "You should dress like this more often so when we go out, people will think, 'Wow, she's hot!' and then they'll see you're all mine".

Girls can understand that when your boyfriend says things like that, your confidence shoots up. Even though obviously it's a bit shallow in a way that the guy sees the girl as someone to show off. In reality, who cares, it feels GREAT!

Anyway, I should stop gloating about something so insignificant to the future of humanity.

Today, we went to a BBQ for my cousin's birthday. He turned two. I had chocolate mud cake, even though I wasn't supposed to but man, it tasted sooooo good! Mmm... David played soccer with my uncles and some of their friends. I talked with all the young mothers. I used to never go to these sorts of things because they were so boring, but now that David gets invited too, I don't mind. I feel like I fit in more.

Jeanne (you might remember her as the sister-in-law of the POBian girl who came here a while ago) said to me, "You look really cheerful!" I wondered if I didn't look happy before David. (She met him for the first time today.)

Now David went to play soccer with my brother, my uncles and some other people. It feels great that he fits into that group.

Tonight we're going dancing with Claudia, Amelia (and her friends) and maybe Christine. Hopefully some of David's friends can come too. Should be fun. Hope he won't be too tired by then.

So hot today but it's a beautiful day.

A Public Phone Conversation

I think giving David my work phone number was not such a good idea.

Every time he calls, he intentionally tries to make me laugh as much as possible. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from laughing? Obviously it's a problem when about 10 other people can hear your every word.

And he loves it! I think he's entertained by my predicament. He also tries to make me say embarrassing things. So I end up just saying "Yep" as professionally as possible over and over again while trying not to giggle.

I'm sure my work colleagues all know that I'm having a personal conversation but that's not really the problem as they speak with their families and friends all the time too. It's the nature of my conversation with David that I don't want other people to know.

I don't want people to know of our flirty/teasing/silly/childish/ridiculous chats. I think they might never treat me as a serious adult if they knew.

I'll give you some examples just so you can understand how immature we can both be:

• Today when I picked up the phone, I heard some hold music. I didn't realise immediately that it was David singing.
• Another time, when I picked up the phone and said my usual 'Promotions Department' bit, he said, "I want to promote a cup of coffee". I replied, "We don't do that. " Then he exclaimed in a typical spoilt 5 year old fashion, "I WANT to promote a cup of COFFEE!!" I stayed silent (as I usually do when I can't think of anything appropriate to say). Then he said, "This is very bad customer service. I want to speak to your manager". And this went on for about 7 minutes.
• His favourite thing is at the end of the conversation to say, "Give me a kiss". I'd say, "Yep" and he'd say, "Come on! I'm waiting." I'd stay silent, trying not to giggle like a school girl. And he'd just keep persisting, knowing very well that I'm not about to kiss him over the phone with 10 other people around me. After he has enough, he stops.

These are just some of the stuff I have to put up with at work.

And the worst is that after I hang up, I can't remove the stupid smile off my face. I just try to hide behind the partitions.

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

I saw a bit of Steve Irwin's memorial. And even though everyone kept emphasising how much he contributed to conservation and what a great ambassador he was for wildlife, all I kept thinking was how horrible it was for his wife and kids (and Dad). Just the thought of losing your partner is just too much. I cannot think of anything more horrible.

I read ages ago that losing your partner is the number one of traumatic experiences.

While I was watching the memorial, I kept getting flashes of losing... I don't even want to say.

Anyway, I need to stop thinking such depressing thoughts. They just upset me too much.

Hate Heat

I am probably in the minority when I say this but I hate summer! The heat, the bright sun, the heavy air. I can go on and on.

Why don't we get spring here? One day it's cold, then we get one mildly warm week and then it's 30 degrees every day.

My head hurts from so much heat. And it's only September!

There'll probably be bush fires this year.

The Screen Dream

I have been having - let's call them 'urges' - since I was a kid. Sometimes they subside and other times they blow up so much that there's nothing else I can think about.

I have depressed this feeling for a while now and today it has come back.

The urge to write a film/TV show/play. (What did you think?)

At work, I manically looked through all the websites on film making, script writing and participating in other people's projects.

I have tons of ideas swimming in my head, none of which I'm happy with. All of which I have no confidence in ever being produced. I guess that inevitable knowledge that it will never come to fruition is what makes me lose my motivation very quickly.

Yet, I still can't help but want to work in film/TV. Looking through different websites reminded me that I'd have to work for free, which lots of these people do, before I even have a chance of working on a professional production.

The problem is that I can't afford to work for free. I don't have time to take off work to shoot short films. I wish I did but I just don't.

I was thinking how I should just write something that I would want to watch. A story I would be interested in. Maybe that would hold my interest to finish a script. And then I can try taking the next steps. Only my unstoppable consequence-thinking brain already knows that if I write something I like, it would be personal and I don't have the guts to show my personal writing to anyone (other than anonymously, of course). Actually that's probably why I stuck with blogging for so long. I write what I like, get to share it with the public and still remain anonymous.

Having April for support in the script writing process was so great because we bounced ideas off each other, provided encouragment and just had fun. Now that she's not interested anymore, there's no one else who can motivate me to keep going.

On the weekend, David actually suggested we buy a camera and make little films together. I was very surprised 'cause I didn't expect him to be into that sort of thing. He even said, "It could be our first purchase together". So I did some research on video cameras and told him the prices. He said it was too expensive for him to get right now. Anyway, he's right. We wouldn't have much time to make movies with him busy juggling studying, volunteering and work.

Maybe I should just write something anyway. Just for the fun of it.

On a bit of a different note, got an email from Amelia today and I swear her life is like a story. She makes the most ordinary things seem exciting. I was actually thinking how if my friends were TV shows, she'd be a quirky soap-opera - dramatic and full of twists and turns. On the other hand, April would be a very long-running show that I'd always like to curl up in front of, even if it's the same thing a lot of the time. David would be an entertaining sitcom that always leaves you wanting more. And as for me... well you decide.

I wonder if everyone has dreams of what they wish they could do. Sing, act, write a novel? For me, the two dreams that I've had since I was about 6 were:
1. Be in movies/TV/theatre (preferably directing/writing)
2. Dance in shows

I blame the first dream on my mother because she took me to the theatre when I was probably only 4 years old and I fell in love with drama ever since. And I blame the second dream on my primary school teacher who got me involved in semi-professional musicals. The music, the nightly rehearsals and the beautiful costumes got to me and never let go.

Do you have dreams that you've had since you were a kid? Did you achieve them?

Must Resist Sleep and 'Important People'

My goal for tonight: don't go to sleep until at least 10pm.

Why the hell do I feel so sleepy? As soon as it gets dark, my eyes take it as a cue to close.

Need to distract myself.

Can't stop thinking of the weekend... Makes me miss David. Had a long horrible nightmare last night. Hasn't happened for ages. I bet if David was with me, it wouldn't have happened.

That's right, I was going to distract myself. I'll tell you something April said to me on Saturday that offended me a bit. She was telling me how she didn't get any interviews to clerkships and I think she thought I was looking down on her or something even though I didn't think it was a big deal. (They're extremely hard to get, especially for lawyers as competition is very tough.)

I told her it might even be for the best (which I truly believe as those big firms have very stressful work environments) and jokingly said, "Maybe you can work at [suburb I work in] and we could have lunch together!" She just gave me this 'look' and said, "Uh... yeah..." in the "I don't think so!" tone, like this suburb was beneath her and that it couldn't possibly have any good law firms.

Then she said how she wanted to volunteer to help low-income earners with their legal problems. I said it was a great idea and it would look great on her resume. And she said, "That's not why I want to do it! I want to help people!" I told her that of course I knew she'd be helping but I was just 'saying' that it would also increase her chance of getting a job. So then she kept repeating how she just wanted to help and she wasn't looking for rewards.

I wanted to say, "If you want to help so much, why don't you just do it?!" David's been doing volunteer work all year and doesn't go on about how he wants to help people, he just does it.

Anyway, it's not the first time she said things like that. I think I even mentioned in this blog how she stresses her point of wanting to help people, yet doesn't do anything about it. And it really bugs me how she looks down on where I work.

So ok, graphic design doesn't make that much of a difference to the world and doesn't directly help people, but let's just take it all out. The world would be pretty boring. Of course everyone needs people in the 'basic' professions - doctors, lawyers, farmers etc. but it's all the other people that make the world fun. Every profession has a purpose, otherwise no one would pay for it. Every efficient employee is making the world run just a little bit smoother.

Well, now that I've distracted myself for a little bit, I'm ready to go. For now.

Real Romance

I read an article about some men who are considered to be very romantic. The article went on to describe some of their elaborate plans to woo the ladies. After I read their stories, it wasn't their romantic gestures that stood out to me but the fact that they were all middle-aged and single, some with several ex-wives.

What's the point of having that 'romance' that might extract a 'WOW! You did all this for me?!" moment when you can't be a good long-term partner and make your 'signficant other' smile during the every day little things.

When I think of people who have been happily married for years, I notice that most of the men are not romantic (in the traditional way) at all!

Take my Dad for instance. He never buys my Mum flowers (unless I remind him to get some for her birthday). He never whisks her away on surprise getaways or showers her with gifts. But he does clean the toilets and make her laugh when she's stressed and is being illogically emotional. He also does the most unnecessary things to keep the compulsive cleaner in her happy or lets her watch a movie even though he wants to watch the news. I can list many more little things that I find a lot healthier for a long-term relationship than a spur of the moment extravagance.

Although David can be traditionally romantic, I think as along as we can keep each other amused and are there to help each other, that's more romance than I could ever want.

Oversleeping

At about 4pm, I felt so tired I decided to have a nap. I only woke up at 10pm. That is just not right. I wonder if it's the new herb my naturopath gave me and forgot to mention the side effects (will go do some online research).

Then when I woke up and was about to return David's phone call, I couldn't remember his phone number!!! How could have that happened? I always remember it. I wonder if something messed with my brain.

I was so tired last night that I had to stay over at David's house, something I don't like doing as it means he has to sleep in his sister's room on the bunk bed and I just feel uncomfortable staying over. When I told David I was driving home, he got really upset and begged me to stay. (I'm kind of glad he did because my eyelids were sticking to my eye balls.) I know I would do the same. I wouldn't want him driving on that dark road that connects our houses if he was tired.

In the morning, I was woken up when he kissed my forehead. Felt like I was Sleeping Beauty or something, being woken up by my prince (only much better looking than any Prince Charming). After that, I just closed my eyes again and slept for another 10 minutes. When I woke up the second time, he was still sitting next to me, holding my hand.

When I actually got up, he didn't want me to go right away so I stayed a bit. We went for an early walk to the bakery. He said that just doing little things like that made him really happy. I wish we could do that all the time.

Well, I better go to sleep again as I don't want to be falling asleep at work. The weird thing is that I'm still tired.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

The age old queston.

I think most people would agree that it's possible. The harder question is if it's possible for men and women to be very close friends.

April has been convincing me that it is because of the Blog Guy. Even though for the whole of last week she's been telling me that he doesn't exist, turned out she spoke to him almost every day.

I told her she didn't need to convince me. Even though I don't have close guy friends (or any guy friends for that matter), I know it's possible to just be friends.

I actually learnt this from David. He told me how it's annoying when people think you like them just because you're very friendly with them. It's especially difficult with introverted people because they analyse every detail of the conversation (like April did with Blog Guy) and a 'look' or a 'word' would mean everything. In reality, the other person doesn't reciprocate any of the feelings that his/her face expressions and body language show.

Makes it very confusing to know what anyone really thinks of you, unless they tell you specifically. I guess that was one of the things that attracted me to David. He was just so straight forward. Although I guess that's easy for me to say because he liked me enough to tell me.

He told me how one girl at a salsa class asked him out and when he said no, she asked him why not because he was always so friendly and joking with her. He said after that he tried to be less friendly. I know that it's just his personality. Even when we meet some girl from his class or work or something, he'd be so warm and nice and just has this ability to make the other person feel really good. No wonder these girls might think they're special.

Wonder why I didn't think he liked me more than a friend. It was pretty obvious to me from the start that he was just a very outgoing person. (Could've been because he chatted me up at a bus stop.)

Funny now, I know his outgoing side is not all of him. He can get shy and insecure too. He does a really good show of not showing that side to people he doesn't know.

Then there's me. Before David, as you might remember, if I liked a guy, I would ignore him but if I didn't, I would become the most talkative and friendly person. (David's the obvious exception.)

So what I'm trying to say is that some people assume too much from things that don't mean anything. A person can be wonderful to you yet not see you as anyone special. And if they're even a bit like me, they might be extra nice because they couldn't care less what you think of them and are therefore not scared to say anything.

Forgotten Pain

I think that getting pregnant for the second time is like deciding to walk in really uncomfortable shoes again.

You just forget how much pain they were in the first place and think that it couldn't have been that bad. That is, until you walk to the shops during lunch time and can barely stand to go back.

The shoes that I'm talking about are the ones I had a crush on. And I still freaking do. I always want to wear them because I just love how they look.

I don't understand how some women wear high heels every day! Is the skin on their feet like metal?

Anyway, back to my flat shoes next week. My lovely ones are going back in the closet. Well, until I forget about the pain again.

God's Advertising Space II

You might recall a church with a very creative marketing department that I mentioned a little while ago. One of their campaigns aimed at the 'young and hip', another at people with no confidence. As you can imagine, I was eagerly anticipating their new one.

And this week I saw it. Although it's not as amusing as the previous two, I thought I'd share it with you anyway:

Help beyond the grave
Jesus
Insurance for the next life

And they even did the word Jesus in the same style as the logo for a big well-known insurance company!

I see they are trying to recruit the practical and the paranoid.

The Cure for Crying

The Cure for Crying

Who knew Australian Idol was educational?

They've answered a question I've always had!

How to stop yourself from crying - tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue.

It actually works! Amazing. Wish I knew this a lot sooner!

What's Young For Marriage?

I was talking to a girl (almost 21) from work, the one who's getting married and she was saying how she's going into marriage very seriously and that she knows that the wedding is not the highest point of marriage, it's just some fun. She also said how her fiance is working part-time and she's going to study next year so they won't have much money but they'll manage.

The other people (all middle-aged) were amazed at how young she was to get married. What some people don't realise is it's not the age, it's whether you're ready or not. Just because you marry young, doesn't mean you are naive and irresponsible and will get divorced.

I would be happy to get married at my age. Funny, I always thought my main obstacle would be not having a groom.

I know David doesn't want to get married until he finishes uni because he has this macho thing that he has to be earning money or else he'd feel inferior or something. Honestly, I would never think that if I was supporting both of us. Not like it would be forever that way. He also has this thing that he doesn't want to rent. He wants to buy property. Although of course that would be great, I don't see how that wouldn't be able to wait. People usually buy property in their 30s. What's the rush?

I asked him what would happen if he wouldn't able to get a job straight after uni. He said it wouldn't matter because he'd get something.

By the time I get married, I'd want to have kids and therefore wouldn't have much time for just the two of us. That was my whole point of marrying by 22.

Well, not much can be done about that anyway.

Maybe 24 could be the new 22?

Forever Young

I don't want to grow up. Simple as that.

I want to act like a teenager - silly, dramatic, quirky. Of course I still can, but it just looks stupid when I don't look like a teenager anymore.

I wish I did.

I watched lonelygirl15 on YouTube (since it was on the news today*) and there was something about the girl that made me want to be back in that place where you feel like your whole world is in front of you and you have all the time in the world. The place where being crazy and emotional and weird is all part of the charm.

Guess I just have to make the most of the current stage of my life.

*A girl's personal video blog became very popular but was then discovered to be fake, created by some film makers and actors.

Grey Mood

I'm feeling so uninspired at the moment. Maybe it's the grey weather, maybe it's... I don't know.

Spoke with April today and even though she still didn't feel like sharing the details of Friday night, she did say that it was nothing to do with him but just the fact that she realises that he's not interested in her more than just a friend and that's just something she'd have to accept.

I was trying to give her suggestions to do different things to meet more people and even though she said she wants to meet new guys, she's not interested in putting herself in different environments. She's convinced she will find someone anyway. Well, it's good for her but I hope it doesn't take her too long.

I feel a little deflated after our conversation because she's frustrated that I can't help her (as in, actually find a guy for her and save her the hard work). That irks me a little because even though I can understand her frustrations, it's not that easy for me to just find a guy she'd like. I wish it was but it just isn't.

I have also realised lately that we're not as similar as I thought we were. For example, I love to go out and do new things whereas she doesn't and just likes to stick to her routine. In a way it can annoy me in that she's not interested in going out with me and doing 'fun' stuff but I guess I shouldn't complain. I have David for that and he's totally the same to me in that way.

I've also noticed that I've started taking on David's views as my own. For example, he said that April is being too desperate and whinges too much. And now instead of seeing someone who's in emotional turmoil, I see someone acting pathetic. Even though I can understand her desperation, although I don't have that pain anymore, I think it would be for her own good to at least pretend to be cool and collected. Gosh, I'm sounding like such a bitch right now. If I wasn't in a relationship, I would hate myself for writing this.

Not having been single for over a year now has made me insensitive to the feelings of single people. What would I have been like had I not met David? I'm sure I would've been a mess and very pathetic. I would've been depressed beyond words.

My head and heart feel so torn. I want April to be happy but I just feel completely helpless. There's nothing I can do. And this inability to change her situation makes me frustrated and upset.

David thinks I'm taking on too much of how she feels which is not my responsibility. And I know it's not but I can't help it.

I don't know if this is a good time to say how wonderful David is to me but I will anyway. Last night it was my turn to go to his house but when I called him to say I'd be a bit late 'cause I wanted to take a nap since I was really tired, he insisted on coming to my house. He said he didn't want anything happening to me on the road.

I felt really guilty so I said we could do anything he wanted to - go to the movies or I could get him his favourite dessert at a nearby cafe. He jokingly said, "Movie or dessert, that's a very hard decision!" so I told him I'd get him both. Then he said, "I don't really want either. I just came to spend time with you". I know I used to call him a sweet-talker but how can I not fall for him when he says things like that?

I ended up buying him a movie ticket which he actually wanted to pay for but I wouldn't let him. We saw John Tucker Must Die (his choice) and he laughed like a little kid. I used to think it was odd that he loved those typical Hollywood movies so much but now I don't care. He can like any movie he wants to. He once told me, "Stupid stuff makes me laugh and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just entertainment. I don't want to be watching a movie where I have to think about its meaning." I guess I don't really care what movies he likes. I know he can enjoy historical or thought-provoking stuff, unless it's abstract so it's no big deal.

Wish I could see him right now. Rainy days always make me pine for him. But then again, so does every other day.

Belly Churning

Went to the dance workshop with Amelia yesterday and was on such a high. The dance instructor was great and I felt like I learnt as much in those two hours as in the last two months of the dance course. At one point the instructor made an analogy to doing something at the gym but then stopped herself and said, "Wait, no one here likes the gym, that's why you do dancing". Seriously hit it right on the spot.

I think I'm really getting into belly dancing. One things I like about it is that even though lots of moves are very hard to do straight away because they require you to use the muscles you've never used before, with practice they look great!

I really feel like I'm improving.

I'm really happy I used to do piano when was little because it taught me that to do anything well, you need patience and lots of practice.

Also had a nice conversation with Amelia. She was saying how she was annoyed that our friends were acting middle aged and didn't want to go out and do fun stuff. I guess she was referring to April and Claudia, and even Christine to an extent. It's true that April and Claudia said they were over the whole clubbing scene. Amelia said, "How can you be over it at 22 when you haven't even really done it much?"

I agreed with her. I understand that clubbing isn't for everyone but it also frustrates me that my closest friends don't feel like going out and having fun (other than movies or dinner). Not that I really worry about it so much now that I have David for it. He said as soon as he finishes his exams, we are going out - anywhere I wanted. I told him I wanted to go dancing and he said he'd love to.

Amelia wants to travel in the summer or next year and I would've loved to come but I don't want to leave David for too long. And anyway, Amelia wants to go and have 'single girl' fun which I can't really do. This would've been good two years ago.

What would be great is taking David along or going with the other couples.

Speaking of couples, April and Blog Guy will never go out. Not exactly sure what happened but April was very upset and didn't want to go too much into it. She said she's going to tell me when she calms down. I'm very disappointed. It's not fair that she's always so unlucky in love. I really feel for her and wish there was something I could do.

I wish I could take her out somewhere where she can have fun but she's the type that's not interested in going anywhere. Maybe I should just take her to the movies or watch DVDs with her.

Now I don't even know if I should call her because maybe she doesn't feel like talking.

I'm trying to remember what I was like when I got rejected but I can't. I'm the type of person who likes friends to distract me but not everyone's like me.

Cry and Look

[POBian song]

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Probably that's how I'll begin when meeting
But now I look from a distance
And tears are not from the wind in my eyes

On asphalt a small house with white chalk
He draws ineptly
On paths of gold avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you, we'd be three

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Again your hand is in my hand
In the park on Saturdays as always
Fortunately we have two hours

In the stream there's a ship so white
Maybe he'll become a courageous captain
For now in a shadow of empty avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look

The Fridays of Our Lives

When you are a baby, Friday night is the same as every other night.

When you are a kid, it's a day you can stay up later than usual because there's no school the next day.

When you are a teenager, it's a day of stress to have 'something to do' or 'somewhere to go out' so you don't seem like a loser.

When you are April, today is the day you go for dinner with Blog Guy.

When you are my brother, today is a day you go out dancing with his girl friend.

When you are me or David, today is the day we laze around, doing absolutely nothing.

Gosh, I feel like David and I are such a retired couple, sitting home on a Friday night, watching TV and drinking tea, maybe going for a walk. Not that I'm complaining.

Very excited for April though! It's almost like watching your younger sister go on a first date. She finally showed initiative with the Blog Guy and it paid off! When I spoke to her last night, she seemed really surprised that her plan to get him to ask her out actually worked so easily. Will be anxiously waiting for the news tomorrow.

Meanwhile, better go and make my room look a little bit more presentable.

The Blue-eyed Baby

When Penelope Cruz said that Katie's and Tom's baby was the most beautiful one she's ever seen, I didn't think much of it. Then today when I was procrastinating at work by reading the news, I saw Suri's (where did they even come up with that name?) picture.

And wow, I have never seen a more beautiful baby.



She looks so much like her mother which is probably why she's already quite gorgeous.

The Wrong Look

I'm sure I imagined it and it probably was accidental but it freaking annoyed me.

This guy from my work, the friendly but not so smart one, looked at my... you know. This sort of thing hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Now I can't just chat normally to him like I used to because I keep thinking he's checking me out. Especially that he was complimenting me the day before.

I know I'm making this into a bigger deal than necessary but why can't guys keep their eyes above your neck? Don't they realise how self-conscious it makes women feel (well, me anyway)?

I was going to tell David, just to vent, but didn't. Don't want him thinking it was bigger than it was. Just told him the guy gave me 'a look' I didn't like. David said, "I'm going to talk to him". He can be pretty protective so wouldn't be too happy if I told him.

I don't even know why I'm going on about this now. Need to forget it. Remove it from my mind. Banish any related thought.

Gone.

Lives of the Famous

I was never one to be obsessed with celebrities but lately I find myself more and more interested in their lives.

When I found out that Britney Spears had a blog, I was as excited as getting ready to a read a good book. Unfortunately I was disappointed as Britney doesn't write too often.

Watching Newlyweds was also very addictive and now I can't help but be interested in what's going on in Jessica and Nick's lives. Today Jessica and John Mayer made the news. Why is people falling in love such a newsworthy event if they are famous? (I'll be interested to see where that goes though.)

When Lindsay Lohan is mentioned, even though I know it's probably something to do with her partying ways again, I can't not read it.

A morning radio show did a segment on celebrities and one host asked the other if he would leave his partner if his favourite celebrity asked him out. I couldn't believe he couldn't answer straight away! He had to think about it! How can you even know you'd like the celebrity if you don't personally know him/her?

Apparently that's how Madonna and Guy Ritchie got together. Guy had a girlfriend at the time and when Madonna showed interest, he told his girlfriend "I love you but it's Madonna!" I was thinking, "SO WHAT?!" (especially Madonna - ew, but that's my irrelevant personal opinion).

I may be interested in celebrities' personal lives but I couldn't care less about meeting them. Although going over to Britney's or Katie's house to hang out could be interesting...

I never understood people's fascination with the lives of the famous, and I still don't. Why do I care so much what happens to them? Is it because they are beautiful? Glamourous? Exciting?

I honestly don't know. All I know is that I will be checking Jessica Simpson's blog next.

The End of the Search?

I just realised that for a long time now, I've been blogging to regular readers rather than any new ones and since most of the old ones left a few months after I started going out with David, there's only about 5 people who read my blog. And new ones never visit the second time. In a way that makes me feel safe to write whatever's on my mind but in another I miss knowing that there's a whole large-ish group of people interested in what I write or who can relate to what I'm going through.

I guess it's understandable that the reason people used to read this is now the reason they don't. I know it's no fun reading about a person who's pretty much happy with her life if you are not. My old self would stop immediately reading another person's blog if they started going on about how happy they were.

Last week when I couldn't connect to my blog, I almost got another blog. I think I'm at the stage of blogging where I want a new beginning. A different blog, a different concept, a different design. I want to start over again.

I always thought that I would only start a new blog after I got married (if I still wanted to) so there'd be some conclusion to this blog. When my 'search for a life' would be over. I used to think that in a way, it never would be over. There'd always be new things I'd be searching for. Now I realise that my search is kinda over already. I'm almost exactly where I'd like to be in my life.

I have my job, my boyfriend, my friends, my hobbies, my small adventures.

So even though I could end this blog, the problem is that I'm not happy with this vague boring ending.

By habit of blogging is another obstacle, as well as finding anything hard to let go. I don't want to let go of this blog where I accumulated readers who have been reading my blog for most of its existence. I don't feel ready to close this chapter of my life, even though my life is back to monotony (but different to the one I had when I was single). There's this contentness that I've comfortably settled in with no major events to shake things up. And to be honest, I love it this way.

I find more excitement just being with David than anything else. Of course this is quite boring for people to read about. There's no suspense, no thrill, no desperation to find out what happens next.

I read somewhere that people become wonderful writers when they fall in love because they start to see poetry in everything. However, I seem to have worsened my writing skills. In my opinion, people in pain are the best writers. Many singers are examples of this.

I also have another problem: I can't think of a better title for my new blog.