Friday With Friends

Claudia called because she's organising a night out (as April told me a week ago). Of course it has to be on Friday when I'm meeting David and Nadine. It's like a law that different groups of friends only want to go out on the same day and then you have other days when everyone's busy. Why can't the outings be more spread out?

Anyway, I decided to meet Claudia, Christine (and whoever else comes) for dinner. Then meet up with David and call Nadine to see where she is. If she and her friends are in the city by that time, we'll go and meet them. If not, we'll either go somewhere alone or go back to my school friends. So might not even see Nadine on Friday. Damn.

When I told Claudia I'm busy on Friday, she said a bit too quickly and a bit too loudly, "Oh no! You have to come!" That was only a sign that she and Christine are going to interrogate me about David. Should be entertaining. (So I know that not everything is about me and David, but I think this is.)

When I finished with Claudia, it was too late to call David. Will call him tomorrow. How is it possible to miss someone you only talked to yesterday? Just want to see him.

If I could organise my perfect weekend, it would go like this:

Friday: meet David and go see Nadine and her friends
Saturday: meet David alone
Sunday: have lunch with the girls

But instead, I'll have a super busy Friday night and an empty weekend. Oh well, as long as I get to see David, it will be great. Oh yeah, and catching up with friends should be good too. Don't want to become one of those people who abandon their friends once they get boyfriends.

It's still a bit surreal that David, BG3, is my boyfriend. I have a guy. Yes, me. So I'm not going to have a chance to make the world record for never having a boyfriend in my life. My blog was half-unintentionally dedicated to me wanting a boyfriend for 2 years! And now I have him. And it's not like I've even settled on just anyone, like I would have if anything happened with Max. I actually want to be with David. It's just too weird. My life still feels pretty much the same, only the panicky anxiety feeling about being alone is gone. Finally I have someone to pair up with.

Even if this whole thing doesn't last long, at least I'll know that I've joined the rest of society.

Wish he was easier to figure out though. Usually when I meet people, I think of people similar to them so I can see what sort of person they are but with him, I can't think of anyone similar to him. Makes things just that much harder. But the good thing about that is that it makes things fun.

I can go on about him for a very long time since he's the only thing that dominates my thoughts so I better stop ranting.

My Most Missed Possession

I miss a lot of things about uni, but nothing quite like my precious student card. It was my ticket to half-fare public transport, discounted movie tickets and lots of other money-saving things.

Last week when I was buying a train ticket, the ticket man actually asked me if I had a student card. I almost cringed when I said, "No..." Like I wouldn't show it to him if I had one! Oh, oops, I forgot that I can get concession, thanks for reminding me. Ugh.

I Have A Boyfriend?

David called again. I think I'm starting to enjoy talking to him every day. He forgot that I had my dance class today. He said he'll teach me himself. Yay, I get private dance lessons from my boyfriend. It still feels weird to refer to him as my boyfriend. I wonder when this shock will wear off.

At my dance class, I got to dance with a really funny young guy and I thought, "Damn, he has a girlfriend" but then I realised, "What am I even thinking?! I have a boyfriend!" It's like my old thoughts are a habit. My brain hasn't registered that I have a boyfriend.

Forgot to mention that Max messaged yesterday. And guess what? I ignored it and still have absolutely no desire to reply.

I'm too preoccupied with David. I wonder if I should call him tomorrow. I specifically remember how he told me that his last girlfriend called him every day and he thought it was a bit too much. Yet, he's calling me every day himself. I'm a little confused.

Cannot believe we did the old childish thing of not wanting to hang up first.

D: I'm getting tired
me: ok, well you better go to sleep. Good night.
D: good night
[Silence.]
D: are you still there?
me: yes, I thought you were going to sleep
D: you didn't hang up
me: neither did you
D: why should I?
me: because you said you were going to sleep
D: I am. Good night.
me: bye
D: bye
me: bye
D: bye
me: bye
D: you are such a child
me: me?! I'm not the tired one.
D: I'm waiting for you to hang up
me: we're so pathetic. Ok, we'll both hang up on three.
both: one, two, three
[silence. laughter]
me: I knew you wouldn't hang up! You're so predictable.

etc.

I remember having similar conversations with Nadine when we were kids.

We also had quite an engrossing discussion about which shampoos we use. I don't think I've even talked with April about that and I thought that April and I have covered every topic.

He told me about some girl from uni who keeps calling him for help. Since he told me on Friday how his last girlfriend was the really jealous type, it makes me wonder if he was testing how I would react about some girl calling him all the time. I told him that it's great that they can help each other with assignments. I honestly don't care. As long as I'm the one he likes, all the girls in the world can call him.

I checked my RG wishlist and it's scary that he fits almost all of it. Two major negatives: he believes in God and he's a risk-taker. Everything else important he has. He vacuums too which is a big plus.

I was reading about how girls prefer guys with some brute (i.e. bad boys) and insecure guys like to say that girls go for bad guys but really it's not that girls like to be treated badly or go for jerks, they just like a confident guy who gives off the impression of a bad guy but has a heart of gold. Or maybe that's just me. And David definitely is like that. He has a masculine presence about him and he looks like he can take charge of everything which is great. He even admitted that he liked to be in control and I'm just like that so I like someone who is capable of being more in charge than me. So even with all this confidence, he still has his boyish charm.

Ok ok, I'll stop going on about how much I like him.

I wonder if I'll lose some of my readers, now that I'm not single anymore... Since I mentioned that I got a boyfriend, I got twice as many readers for the last few days. I wonder if that's going to die down.

My Favourite Mess

After I've seen all the tapes of the auditions, I had an interesting conversation with the Director.

Director: so which one did you like?
me: I still like the first one
Director: really?! You like him? Didn't you think [name] was so sexy?
me: actually I thought the first one was really cute
[think young George Clooney]
Director: but he looked so straight
me: maybe that's why I liked him the most
Director: I already said no to him!
me: oh no!
Director: do you really like him that much? He doesn't make a very credible gay guy.
me: well, he does look a little pretty
Director: I guess he does... I'll call him back and tell him to come to the second audition.

After I got over my initial shock about doing an adult rated movie about gay guys, I decided that might as well pick some hot ones to make it more interesting.

Speaking of hot guys, David messaged me last night even though I said I was going to call him. Guess he couldn't wait. I called him up and we had a wonderful conversation. Turns out he sponsors a child. What a strange thing for a young guy to do. He also kept going on and on about his relatives and who was who 'cause he has quite a complicated family, but then he suddenly stopped and said, "I'm sorry I'm talking about myself too much. Tell me about your family". He's so not self-centered, it melts my heart.

He thinks I'm complicated. I wonder if that's a good thing...

When I asked him if he actually wanted to go out with Nadine and her friends on Friday and he said, "Of course I'll go with you. You're my girlfriend". It puts a smile on my face knowing that I'm someone's girlfriend.

On Friday he said to me, "I'm going to mess up your life." Can't wait. I said, "Am I going to mess up your life?" and he replied, "Oh yes!" If being with him messes up my life, I love this mess.

Two Important Words

I was having a long conversation with April last night (as if we ever have short ones) and at around 10:30pm, I realised that my phone was completely forgotten in another room. I decided to go and get it. When I looked at it, I had a missed call from David. Couldn't believe he already called!

It's weird how nothing really changed other than that we said we were boyfriend and girlfriend now but because of those two words, no one has to worry about calling the other too soon or if the other person will call at all. We can call whenever, knowing that the other person will be happy to hear from us. I love that. No more anxious worrying about whether he likes me or not.

I didn't call him back 'cause I wasn't sure if he was asleep by the time I realised he called. Messaged him to say that I'll call today.

I was having an interesting discussion with Andy in the morning today about how it's odd that two people can get immediately closer by deciding to be boyfriend and girlfriend, even if nothing else had changed. We were wondering why that was so and decided that when you agree to go out with each other, it's like confirming that you really like each other and that relaxes both people and allows them get closer because they know the other person won't reject them.

Mum and Dad went out to some big party last night and when I asked them today how it was, the first thing Mum said was that my Dad actually danced with her, which is a big thing because I know how much my Dad hates dancing and he only ever does it for Mum. Was so tempted to tell her that I'd never have to force my boyfriend to dance. He'd probably be the one dragging me (which wouldn't be too hard but still). We were talking about how old everyone's getting and Dad said to me, "Look at you, you're 21!" and I wanted to add, "And I have a boyfriend" but I didn't.

I want to tell them but I don't want to be the one to bring it up.

David is always on my mind now. I woke up today and just felt so totally content. I have my dream work on Monday, I have a boyfriend, April and I are still best friends. So a paying job would be nice but that couldn't spoil my happiness. I mean, I had to do a lot of free work experience before getting the graphic design job so it only makes sense that I would have to do just as much (if not more) if I want to have a job in film/tv production. Very glad now that I did so much over-time and earned extra money at my last job. It should allow me to spend some time doing this volunteering work. I, honestly, can't wait till Monday when we'll get to discuss Friday's auditions.

Speaking of which, the auditions were so fascinating. I was extremely excited to be there, and so was the Director ('cause it was his first real one). We couldn't help but smile excitedly at each other after each actor left. We were almost jumping up and down because we were so happy to be there.

They were at a real casting agency and the actors were all professional. The Director kept asking my opinion which I happily gave to him 'cause I could immediately see who would be good 'cause I got to see the auditions from a screen as well, which is a bit different to just seeing them in front of your face. One guy was so hot and was perfect for the character too and just looked like a typical actor (who might be famous one day). I told the Director how much I liked that one and he didn't dismiss my opinion. The casting agent agreed with me. I love that my opinions are not being ignored.

The Director asked me if I wanted to work on another film. I said I would love to, even though I'm not sure if I should actually get a proper job. I asked David what he thought and he said that in his "humble opinion" I should try to establish a career in graphic design but it was really up to me. Well, duh! Just wanted to know what he thought. I knew he'd be practical like that. This is a guy who decided to do an Economics degree because there are more jobs in Finance. I respect that but I just know that I have give my dream a try.

Can't wait till Nadine's party next weekend 'cause I'll be able to bring him along. Can't wait to see her reaction.

me: Nadine, this is David
Nadine: hi!

Later:
Nadine: who was that?!
me: my boyfriend
Nadine: your boyfriend?!!!!!!!!!!
me: yep
Nadine: When?! How?! What?! Oh My God!

I predict it's going to be precisely like that.

I think one major thing that changed since last week is that I don't find couples upsetting anymore. Like I care if they want to act in love in public. I can read about how sweet some guy is being and not feel sick. I find it strangely satisfying.

The Beginning and the End

It's hard to describe all the details of yesterday because it wouldn't be fair to David if I was writing everything for anyone to read. So here is the basic version.

We met up in the city and then drove to a beach area. We walked around and acted like kids. Then we sat down and started talking more seriously. He said that it was weird that we've only met recently but he felt like he knew me for a lot longer. I agreed. It's still hard to believe that I've only known him for a little over a month (and we only met on the weekends) and it feels like he's an old friend. Then he said the sweetest thing:

D: you really made an impression on me
me: how?
D: I always laugh with you. You make me laugh. And I can really talk to you. And you're smart.
me: but I say lots of stupid things
D: I like all the stupid things you say

I don't think I will ever forget him saying that.

After that, I decided to ask him what we were doing (since he kept holding my hand and trying to get close, not something friends do) and he said, "We're going out" and I was like, "What do you mean by that?" since only on Thursday we were having a discussion of all the meanings of 'going out' and he goes, "dating" and I said, "like boyfriend and girlfriend?" (and even just saying those words felt weird) and he asked, "do you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend?" I replied, "Depends if you want to. And I don't care what you say, just be honest" and he laughed and said, "Yeah, I want to... do you want to be my girlfriend?" and I said, "Ok, if you insist". So that was that. How weird, one minute we're just friends and the next we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, he said, "Do I get to kiss you now?" and then when it happened.

Of course, I imagined this moment before many times but it was nothing like in my imagination. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that I said something not very nice about it and had to show him other ways of doing it (like I'm such an expert) and I wasn't even sure if I'd like my way. To make things worse, my way wasn't much better. The whole thing was turning into a disaster 'cause I didn't want to offend him anymore but I didn't want him to keep doing it his way. To smoothe my insult, I said that we should just practise more so of course he liked that idea.

I just never expected the kiss to be bad since I'm attracted to him. He thought I was being a child 'cause he said, "You're such a little girl". Stupid inexperience. Although his experience wasn't helping.

Fortunately, the whole incident didn't ruin the night. I hated that I couldn't tell if he was just being a sweet-talker or if he was serious. After he said some sweet things, I said to him, "You know all the right things to say" and he said, "But I mean it." He just proved my point.

He said a few times that he was really a shy person, something I found very hard to believe since he talked so much. I told him that and he said that's because he found me really easy to talk to. I asked him if he found that with lots of people and he said, "Very rarely". I want to believe him but how do I really know he meant it?

The night and place was beautiful. The water was pitch black and the almost full moon was giving a gorgeous reflection in the ocean. I commented on it and said, "The moon is pretty" and he said, "You're pretty". I was taken aback by that and automatically said, "Nah" and he said, "Well, you're pretty to me and that should be all that matters". And even though that's a sweet thing to say, I kept wondering if he meant that other people wouldn't find me pretty.

For the rest of the night, anyone who walked by would've realised we were a couple. He wouldn't let go of my hand. He said that it was amazing that we came from such different backgrounds and were a couple. I still had to register in my brain that I was now in a 'couple'. I said we were quite different, except our music tastes and minor things like that. He said that he thought our differences were great because we wouldn't get bored quickly and can have disagreements. I told him we better make our disagreements fun. He agreed.

When we were driving back, I was trying to process what happened and had a smile creeping up on my face and then I realised he was looking at me and caught me smiling. At every traffic light he'd take my hand or do something small like that and I couldn't believe that this guy was my boyfriend now. How could it be possible? I've wanted this for so long and now I finally have it. Deep down, I thought having this was totally unattainable for me. It was something that only happened to everyone else. Finally, I'm like everyone else.

Met up with April today to watch a movie. I thought we'd chat afterwards but she said she had uni work. I hate that she's in so much pain now 'cause now she doesn't have me to share the pain with. I can't tell her that she can still talk to me about it because she knows that I can't understand it anymore. And I can't tell her all the good things that happened to me because every sweet word is like another stab in the heart. How I wish for this not to cause us to drift apart too much (since I know we're going to a little bit because it will be impossible not to). Any advice on how to keep our closeness is welcome (especially one coming from experience with your friends). I can only go by what happened to Nadine and I, but somehow it's not working with April.

A Riddle

Most people get it in their teenage years. The ones who like it return it. The ones who don’t wish they never got it. Some are sweet, some are slimy. Some wish another person gave it to them.

I got at 21 and it was... disappointing.

The Impossible Happened

It finally happened. I officially have a boyfriend.

A Dose of David

I had my dose of David yesterday. I saw him online so we chatted for a bit about the most boring things and I started getting worried that we were running out of things to say, but then he asked if he could call me.

We talked on the phone for about 2 hours and it was the best conversation! He actually made me laugh. We kept alternating between serious and thought-provoking topics to being completely silly and childish. How is it possibe to talk to someone you just recently met as if you are long-lost friends? And we just kept finding more stuff we had in common.

My heart feels lighter now. That heavy weight of knowing that I'll never have anyone and will end up alone is slowly lifting. I know he's not permanent but he's the best distraction from feeling like I'll be alone for the rest of my life. It's even good that I know I won't end up with him so I won't have any expectations for the future and when we do stop seeing/talking to each other, I'll be expecting it. So no major disappointments. Perfect.

He asked what I wanted to do tonight and I said I didn't care. He asked if I wanted to go dancing. Usually if anyone asks me that, I don't hesitate for a second and I should've been exhilirated that a guy asked that but with him, I just want to talk and not dance at some loud club where we can't even hear each other. And to be honest, it feels weird dancing with a guy who dances like a pro. I prefer going clubbing with a group of friends, rather than one person.

On the phone, he was telling me how he was thinking of buying a telescope and I love it when guys have intelligent hobbies like that. He likes reading, history, dancing, astronomy, same music as me, can play guitar and he's very sporty as well. I wish I was into sports so I could impress him. The only sporty thing I can do better than him is skate but he didn't seem very impressed by that when we went that first time. He was paying more attention to not falling.

He was saying how he and his friends were planning on renting an apartment for the weekend during winter in the country. I wouldn't want to go 'cause that's like an excuse to do sporty things. All the sporty genes must've went to my brother. I wish I had something to impress him with.

I asked him about the message from the payphone and he was like, "How did you know it was from a payphone?" so I said that it said in the message and he said, "Oh it was only 20c. I just didn't have any credit on my phone". I couldn't help but smile.

He said, "You're so sarcastic". I know I am so I said, "I can't help it, it's like a bad habit" and he said, "Nah, I like it". To me that's almost as good as saying "I like you".

Wonder what we'll end up doing tonight...

Drama

Showed the Director the storyboard that I've drawn and he loved it! Also, had a serious large production meeting where everyone talked about the practical issues of making the film happen with the limited resources. It was very hard to keep a smile off my face. When it ended the Director asked me if I thought it was scary. Sure there were a lot of industry experts but I loved every second of it.

I'm seriously considering volunteering for another production, which actually has an interesting story.

Last night, I talked with April for hours. I really don't know how we can talk for so long. She was saying how Claudia is thinking of organising a clubbing night. This is quite surprising, considering she's not really into clubbing. I wonder if it's an excuse to show Christine who David is. I'm absolutely loving the drama I'm causing between my friends. April is my spy and tells me what the others are saying about me and David. He's so imprinted in my mind, I even had a dream with him in it. It was a very nice dream, if anyone's wondering.

Can't wait to see him tomorrow!

Keep Track

I'm pretty obsessive when it comes to my blog's statistics. I always check who's reading my blog. So I get very nervous when I see someone going through all my archives. Are they doing it because they just find my blog so interesting and want to read the whole thing or because they know me in real life and want to make sure it's really me or find out all about my personal life?

Another thing I check regularly are job ads. Today I found one I could apply for but realised that if I get it, I wouldn't be able to finish helping with the film. I was staring at the ad for like 10 minutes, trying to think if I should apply for it. And it's not just one of those you send your resume to. This one had a phone number. And one thing I learnt from my previous job searches was that calling the company directly increases your chances a LOT. My last job was a perfect example. I emailed my resume and called them. My resume received a rejection although I actually got the job from the interview that I got from my call. It's like they automatically send rejections to all the emails.

For now, I decided not to apply. Maybe I will closer to the end of filming. Am I making a big mistake?

A Day As An Assistant Director

Today at the studios, I, Cindy and the Director were discussing the script when someone came in. The Director said, "Sorry, but we're in a meeting right now". I tried hard not to smile. Such a meeting usually implies something serious and business related, but all we were doing was talking about the story of the film and about relationships (because the director was relating incidents in the film to his life). How is that a 'meeting'? I call it 'chatting'.

After the meeting, Cindy and I met her friend for lunch who was assisting the Art Department. All morning she had to locate an old motorcycle they could use for the film she volunteered for. The every day variety of the whole film-making process is just amazing. You never know what you will be doing.

After lunch, I was redrawing the storyboard while Cindy was going through different films to find references for our film. I kept getting distracted by the films but I did get some drawings done.

Tomorrow, I don't have to go in because I need to finish the storyboard. Cindy will be assisting the Producer tomorrow and calling up councils to get permission to film on location. Sounds exciting.

In the morning when I was going to the film school, I saw Fran and we had a good chat. She's doing really well. She won a writing competition and now works at a writing company that writes for the radio. We talked about how great it is to work creatively but the problem is that there's no money in it. She's also only volunteering there because the company exists on government grants.

Even though I'm not getting paid for my work on the film, at least I'll get credited as Assistant Director and that is sure to look good on my Resume.

When I was waiting for my second train, some creepy smoker tried to talk to me. I thought I was doing a good job at ignoring him, but after a bit, he sat down next to me and asked my name. I ignored him but he asked again.

me: doesn't matter
creep: well, I'm Nick
me [turning to look into the other direction]: *silence*
creep: what's your name?
me [under my breath]: does it make a difference?
creep: it makes a difference

I got up and walked away. I was scared he was going to follow me but he didn't. When the train came I saw him walk in my direction but he walked past. I was hoping he wouldn't see which station I got off. Hopefully, I'll never see him again.

Messaged David to wish him a happy birthday because he turned 23 today. I was wondering if I should have because I already wished him a happy birthday at his party. But he messaged back to say thanks, from a payphone! Andy thinks it's because he had no credit on his phone but really wanted to reply. I didn't even think of it. I thought it was because it's cheaper to message from a payphone, but I don't know. If Andy is right, I feel very special right now.

Random David Memory

When I was talking with David and Miguel on Saturday and Miguel was asking if he should ask out some girl, David said, "Well, it's always a 50/50 chance" and Miguel said, "It's not always 50/50" and David asked me if I thought it was always 50/50 and I said I didn't. He, then, asked, "So it's a 100 or 0 chance then?". I wish I could tell him that there was a 100% chance I would say yes if he asked me out but of course I didn't. I said it depended on the person. Although I made sure to add that it was easy to tell whether a girl liked a guy. Hopefully he got the hint.

Oh my God, how am I going to last till Friday? All I want to do is just see and talk to him, right NOW!

My Calling

I'm in love. And it's not with a guy. Or girl :P

I get so excited just thinking about it and would gladly wake up at 5am every morning for it.

Today I've been confirmed what I knew all along. Film/TV industry is what I where I want to work.

When I got to the studios, the producer gave me a tour of the place and I felt like I did when I went on those studio tours in America, only now I was actually going to be working here (well, volunteering). My heart started beating faster as she showed me the different departments, and of course the actual studio. I met with the director who seemed like the nicest guy. He sent me and another volunteer on location scouting. Can't believe people do this professionally and get paid! I was told the location scout for Tomb Raider had to travel around the world looking for locations and had a personl chauffeur to drive him/her around.

The other volunteer, Cindy, was just as excited about the whole thing as me. The only difference was that she already had a lot more experience in production because she already did a paid internship overseas at a TV studio, plus she entered several film festivals and won some prizes.

It was so great to talk to someone who was as passionate about this as I am.

For most of the day we went around the city, looking for the addresses that the Art Director gave us and asked the owners of the houses permission if we could film their place. I expected a lot of people to slam the door in our faces but all of the ones we asked agreed.

When we got back, the Director said that he'll be needing us all week. It'll be like a full-time job. Only loads of fun. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be using my drawing skills to improve his storyboard, on Wednesday he wants us to watch as many films as possible to get ideas for his one and on Friday, we have to assist with the auditions. (There's a rumour we're going to get a famous Australian actor, but obviously not as a volunteer.) He also changed the script because the editors told him it wasn't too good and he wants us to be his audience tomorrow.

If I got paid to do this, it would never feel like a job. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

This week will definitely go faster if I have this to keep me busy. So can't wait to see David.

Judgement

Did I mention that my Mum knows about David? Well, sorta.

After some morning grilling yesterday I told her bits about him. Where he's from, what he did, where he lives and with who. She doesn't know his name. She thought the reason I wasn't telling her was because I didn't want to worry her about something that was bad. I told her that's absolutely not the reason. Never expected her to think that way. I told her that he and his friends are totally fine and that she could trust my judgement. She said, "I know I can trust your judgement" insinuating that she couldn't trust my brother's. After the 'date' incident last year, I don't even trust my own judgement.

Maybe David is some horrible guy and I don't even know it. The thing I don't get is that I can write a list of things I don't like about him, yet I just want to hang out with him and can't get him off my mind. I don't even know what I'm so attracted to about him. I guess if I think about it, I'd be able to answer that, but it's still weird that with other guys, their bad points just erase all the good ones but with him, the good ones make me forget the bad ones.

Talked to April today. She said that Claudia asked her if David and I were going out. April said we were just friends. April, then, asked Claudia if it looked like we were dating and Claudia said that it did. Wonder what people who are dating look like. All we did last week was just talk a lot. Claudia also said the last week felt like a group date. April said she was offended that Claudia thought she'd be on a date with Miguel. I, honestly, have no idea what kind of a girl would go out with that guy but apparently he had girlfriends before. How could he have relationships while April and I never had? It just doesn't make sense.

April said that she's never seen this side of Claudia before. Usually she doesn't enquire so much. I love it though.

Wonder if I ever end up dating him. Probably not. But how I want to...

As I expected, my Mum already started making a big deal about it. She asked me if I was only going to see him on weekends and that I should see him during the week too. I so knew this was going to happen. Oh well, I couldn't be bothered pretending it was nothing and being so obviously mysterious about it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Producer and Director. Kinda getting nervous.

Still Swooning

The memories of last night will sustain me till next Friday.

Amelia didn't end up coming because she remembered another party she had to go to. Can't believe she actually said, "If you want to escape your party, you can come with me". Like I wouldn't go to David's party!

But my friends not coming worked out to my advantage.

David: what happened to your friends?
me: Mike and Claudia didn't want to come. April had another party and couldn't get here afterwards. Another friend was supposed to come but canceled a few hours ago.
David: I'm happy you came.

*Head swoons*

While everyone was sittng at the table chatting, David and I were on the couch so that he was facing me and I was facing him, and the other people behind him. They kept giving us looks because they couldn't hold their conversation and kept running out of things to say.

We got talking about the weird circumstances in which we met. He said he doesn't usually talk to people at bus stops. I didn't say that I did. He said he was in a chatty mood that night. And he didn't know how he ended up asking for my email because I was a stranger to him. I told him how I was only there because I refused a lift from my friend and I wasn't even planning on coming that day. He said it was destiny.

*Head swoons*

(Yes, I don't believe in destiny but it sounded so nice coming out of his mouth.)

I didn't expect him to talk to me as much as he did. I loved talking with him. He is such an interesting person (even if not my type). I said numerous really stupid things which caused him to give me "I can't believe you" looks. I should think before I say things. But hey, he told me about stupid things he did before. He said that he was a different person 2 years ago. I'm glad I met him now though 'cause I probably wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the old him.

When he mentioned how he got clothes for his birthday and we got talking about that stuff, he asked me what I liked to wear. I told him similar to what I was wearing. He asked if I wore skirts. Told him it was too cold for them now. Didn't say I very rarely wear them. Like what freaking difference does it make if I wear skirts or not. Argh.

While we were chatting, he asked if I wanted to meet up next weekend "to see a movie or something". The party wasn't even over and he was already asking to meet up again. And it was supposed to be my turn. I was planning on calling him up during the week. You can imagine how happy I was he wanted to see me again.

He kept bugging me all night and I loved every second of it. At one point I asked him what he was doing 'cause he kept tugging at my hand and he said, "I just want to annoy you". He's one of the few people who's allowed to annoy me as much as he wants to.

When everyone except the 'dumb friend' left, I said I was going to go too and he was like "Oh, stay a bit more" and the 'dumb friend' (who from now on will be referred to as Miguel) said "Are we going to watch that movie we planned to?" and David said, "Nah, I don't feel like it. Let's just talk". I was so happy to hear him say that 'cause I didn't want to stay if we were just going to watch a movie. I said I'd stay till midnight. We were having such an engrossing conversation that I ended up staying with them till 12:30am. When Miguel was talking about how David met a girl at a cafe and she turned out to be horrible and David said, "You never know, some strangers turn out to be good" and he smiled at me.

*Head swoons*

When I saw his family pull up the driveway, I decided it was time to go. David said he'd walk me down to my car and Miguel got ready to come too but David said, "You don't have to come. Stay here." So when we got to my car and decided to organise our next meeting, I asked him, "What movie do you want to watch?" and he said he didn't care so I said, "Do you actually want to watch a movie?" and he said, "Nah, not really" with his cute smile in his eyes. That's perfect 'cause I didn't want to waste time watching movies when we could be enjoying each other's company.

Too bad I have no excuse to call him next week. Next Friday seems like forever away.

A Conversation With The Director

I called up the director of the film in the morning today and after trying 3 numbers that I was given, I failed to reach him.

Now, hours later, I received a call from him. He didn't sound too scary or creepy or perverted but quite nice. Although I really have no idea how scary creepy perverted people sound on the phone. He asked if I read the script. I said I have. Fortunately he didn't ask me what I thought of it, even though I planned an appropriate answer.

him: so, what did you think of the script?
me [in my head]: the dialogue is simplistic, the storyline is barely there, the X-rated content is completely unnecessary, the film doesn't seem to convey any point and the only thing that relates it to art is the use of double frames.
me: it seems like a personal story and is like getting a glimpse into someone's life.

I'll be meeting up with him on Monday as well. (Maybe I'll get to use my prepared line then.) He sounds like he'd be ok to work with. Not too bossy or stubborn.

It's hard to describe how excited I am about the whole thing. (I don't even care how bad the actual movie is. Maybe they can change the dialogue to something more intelligent.)

My Future Favourite Mistake

Sunsets remind me of David. And no, not everything reminds me of him. Really.

Maybe it's because the first time we hung out, I specifically remember talking about sunsets and how he likes them. I know, who doesn't? But still.

Then, that week when I couldn't stop thinking about him, everytime I was waiting for my train after work, it was at the time of a sunset and it just kept reminding me of him.

I want to be able to look into his laughing dark eyes and his face which reminds me of chocolate. I'm a chocaholic.

He'll probably turn out to be someone I'd never want to think about and will later read what I just wrote and feel sick. Although if he will turn out to be my mistake, he will be my favourite one.

I know this entry is so corny, I'm almost making myself squirm. And yet again I'm romanticising any tiny thing, but I just feel like it. So there.

Nosey

I found out that a few of my brother's friends have public blogs. Andy gave me the URLs and I happily went through them to see if there was anything juicy. After the initial novelty of being able to see inside my brother's friends' worlds, I got bored.

I expected to get addicted to knowing what was happening in their lives, but somehow that didn't happen. Their lives revolve around boring students issues - where they went, what they did, who they saw. And most of them write in that annoying way that doesn't include any punctuation and all the words are shortened the way you would when sending an SMS. Just gets frustrating to read.

Wish I had something more exciting to write about but I don't.

Can't wait to see David this weekend. Hopefully there can be some progression. Or at least I get to have a good satisfying conversation with him. Not exactly sure how that's going to happen if his friends are going to be there. Just hope there won't be some girl who wants to be more than friends with him or who he wants to be more than friends with. Unless it's me, of course ;)

Need to stop thinking about him so much. Although I think I've been doing quite well this week, probably 'cause I know I'm definitely going to see him. And I didn't really need anything to make my days go faster since I haven't been at work.

Went to visit my grandparents today because I've been neglecting them lately. Got told off by their neighbour for parking the car inside the residents' area. I specifically remember my Dad telling me that I could park there. The neighbour was just being annoying. Got on her good side by telling her I won't park there anymore if there was parking in the street. Yeah, right. Just didn't want to argue with her. She wouldn't shut up and her views were so racist, I had to force a smile on my face. She kept saying that we shared the same God (because she's from somewhere around POB). Couldn't wait to get out of there.

Miss David. Oh oops, I've already said that.

Too Eager

Oh.My.God. What did I just get myself into?!

I've just received the script and it's more like a sex story, than a love story. About a triangle between 3 gay men.

This isn't exactly what I expected a film student to be making. And even though the script is less than 10 pages, it makes sure to include some graphic parts.

How would I even be able to put something like that on my resume for future films? I'd be lying if I said I was comfortable with being a part of that. I would be totally fine if a couple of scenes weren't so 'detailed'. I think it's a bit too heavy for a short film. Must remember that I'm not going to be the only one there at the production. There'll be many more people so it wouldn't be so bad. Right?

Next time, remind me to ask for the script first and not be so eager.

The First Step

Guess what I'll be doing next Monday?

Having a meeting with a director of a film to be his assistant. I'm serious.

Not sure if it's going to be an interview or what but this is a great step for me. I'm doing something productive about my dream career.

So excited. The Producer is supposed to send me the script. By the title, it sounds like some love story. Great!

Just Don't Take Forever

Close your eyes, make a wish
That this could last forever
If only you could stay with me now
So tell me what it is
That keeps us from each other now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin.

No I can't ever let you go
You're a part of me now
Caught by the taste of your kiss
And I don't wanna know
The reason why I
Can't stay forever like this
Now I'm climbing the walls cause I miss you.

Take my hand, take my life
Just don't take forever
And let me feel your pain kept inside
There's gotta be a way
For you and I together now
Yeah it's coming to get me
You're under my skin.

It's an illusion
How can I feel this way?
If I can't have you
It's an illusion
Nothing is real this way
If I can't have you.

- Climbing the Walls, Backstreet Boys

Some songs have the ability to make you remember certain moments in your life and relive those feelings. Others can make you feel emotions that you never had the circumstances to experience.

I got reminded of someone who is probably feeling what the person in the song is feeling.

The Worst Rejection

I'm feeling a little nauseous at what I've just done. I've just rejected a job offer in the Media industry.

Yes, that's what I just said.

I've found a job ad for a Media Assistant in the morning so of course I applied. Then a couple of hours later I get a call from them saying I sound perfect for the job and that I have all the skills to be able to do it but they just wanted to make sure that I knew what it was about. The woman started saying how it's the financial side of Media and you have to love numbers to do it (which put me off immediately since I can't stand working with numbers, even though my resume shows the opposite - since it includes my years of Maths tutoring and my wonderful school Maths results, for which they asked). She said I'd have to write reports about how I think the television/radio stations should spend their budget and who they should advertise for. I loved the marketing side of it but the working with numbers all day totally put me off. So I said no.

I should've just said yes and then quit if I didn't like it.

It's too late to call back now so I should just get over it but the thought of the possibility that I could've been employed next week is too depressing.

Guide To Life

I got this thought from Janice's blog: if I could have a guide to everything what would I want to know?

Here's what:
1. What does David think of me?
2. What is David like really?
3. What career path should I take?
4. Am I going to regret sharing my life in this blog?
5. Does my RG exist?
6. How can I fix my chronic idiopathic urticaria?

Those were the first few things that came to my mind. If you could have an answer to anything, what would you want to know?

Not Again

My brother got a girlfriend. God, he's quick. He's only been at uni a couple of months. And obviously he hasn't learnt anything from his last girlfriend - don't go out with religious girls who send mixed signals and are annoying.

Only last night we were talking about how he always picks the same type and gets hurt so I said, "Why don't you just change your type then?" and what does he do but get the exact same type of girlfriend right the next day. By doing so, he's only preventing himself from meeting better girls. This one is almost a copy of the last one.

I really had more hope for him.

This one seems like the type that needs looking after and lots of understanding. I asked him if guys like the type that needs someone to care for her and he said yes. He said he's happy when he makes the girl happy, which on one hand is very sweet but on the other kinda weak. Why can't guys like girls who can look after themselves and don't need someone to watch over them.

That frustrates me so much. Sure it would be nice to have a guy to care and protect you and all that but it would be even nicer to have a guy to just be there for you as more of a companion and an intellectual stimulator and an emotional supporter, rather than a body guard and a counsellor.

I don't think I'm getting my point across very well but I hope it gets through.

Basically, I'm just annoyed that he got another girlfriend who I don't like and he'll end up being hurt again.

Can't Resist A Westie Party

Even though I knew Amelia was working on Saturday night, as always, I messaged her to see if by some miracle she wasn't this weekend and could come to David's party with me.

This is what she said:
how could i say no to a westie* party? actually i am working. but what time does it start? i can get there before 9:30

So Amelia will be coming, even if it's a couple of hours later than me. I messaged her the address and she replied:
yeah ok sure! is that a house? there is only one hotel on [name] street i've seen...

me: Haha. It's his house! This isnt going to be as dodgy as u expect, although i can't promise anything :P
her: the dodgier the better! i'm going there now, how mysterious

I can always trust Amelia to be up for a party.

She offered me to stay over at her house if it finishes late which I'm considering because I'm still not sure how I'm going to drive there. And even if I drive and it only finishes at 3am, I might be too tired to drive back. If I stay over at Amelia's house, my parents' suspicions are going to rise even more. My parents used to get suspicious before and I used to like that they thought I was up to more than I let on when really I wasn't, but now that I am I don't really want them to get too interested in my life. Just glad I'm 21 now and not 14 so don't really owe them any explanations.

Now, not only do I get to see David, I get to catch up with Amelia. I don't even know what I'm more excited about. Ok ok, David wins, but only by a tiny bit. Wonder what Amelia will think of him...

* the people from the Western suburbs are referred to as Westies sometimes. The Western suburbs have a bit of a reputation for not not being the safest places and for the shady characters that live there.

The Thoughts of an Unemployed

It feels weird being unemployed again. Sure I love that I can sleep in past 6:30am and not have to do the mundane tasks that I had to do at work, but it's still odd because it's not like I have uni to go back to at the end of this holiday-like time. I'm an adult now and have to work.

I really should update my portfolio with all the work I've done at my last job. I looked at some of the film courses again and don't know what to do. If only I had a part-time/temp job, my decision to go would be a lot easier. My rational mind keeps getting in the way because it keeps reminding me, "What's the point? What are the chances of you getting a career in television/film?" but my even more rational mind says, "If you don't do it, you'll defintely have a 0 chance but if you go, at least it will be possible. You only live once. If it doesn't work out, at least you went for it."

I just need to decide which course to do. Which course would be the most useful. Can't decide between Directing and a general film/tv production course that gives an overview of the whole process. The latter is cheaper but I don't know if that's enough to pull me to do that one. Especially that I've done a general one at uni.

Wish I had a group of friends who were into this as much as me so we could make our own crew and make our own films. I have very fond memories of my uni film-making course where I made a film with my friends. The fun of going to location shoots and collaborating over the way the movie should be. Sigh.

No More Anxious Waiting

David is so considerate in not making me wait for his call. He called before I started getting anxious. I like him just for that.

He invited me to his house next weekend because he's having a 'gathering'. Later, after the phone call, I realised that it's his birthday party so I messaged him to make sure. He said it was. I have to get him a present now which should be easy since he mentioned what he wanted. I hope he appreciates my attention to what he says.

He said to invite my friends but April has another birthday party to go to and I doubt Claudia and Mike would want to go. I guess I'll have to go by myself. I hope he doesn't think that's too loserish.

Wish he would just invite me somewhere by myself without any of our friends. I just want to talk to him alone. Oh well, at least I'll get to see the inside of where he lives (since I already saw the outside). I wonder if his family is going to be there...

Can't wait!

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess.

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete.

- Backstreet Boys

What a surprise to hear a new Backstreet Boys song on the radio! It's so sad and dark and depressing and I absolultely love it. I don't think I can describe how in love I was with them when I was a teenager. I never seemed to get sick of their music. All the other boy bands were nothing in comparison.

As soon as I heard their new song, I remembered sitting on the floor in Nadine's bedroom when we were about 14 and making up stories about them being our boyfriends. Kevin was Nadine's hot boyfriend and Brian was my cute one. AJ was the sleazy guy who wanted to go out with Nadine (I think), Nick was my silly friend (who was secretly in love with me) and Howard we didn't like because he had a fish face (protruding eyes and lips). Making up these stories would entertain us for hours.

I used to be really squeamish and Nadine would purposely add dirty parts (using 'creative' vocabulary) so we'd end up laughing so much our stomachs would hurt and tears would be rolling from our eyes.

Sometimes I wish I could have those days back.

She's having a party in a few weeks to celebrate her graduation so I might go to that. Hopefully I'd be able to bring David along 'cause I don't want to be the only one not getting drunk.

My grandma told me how she had a really close childhood friend with whom she drifted apart in her 20s but they became inseparable again in their 40s till that woman's death (in her late 60s, I think). Maybe Nadine and I are going to be close again when we are 40 too.

The Same Old Blast From The Past

Was it unreasonable to think that when I got an SMS, it was from David?

It obviously was because it turned out to be from Max. I thought he had enough of me. Now that I have David to think about, I don't want him. You can't compare him to David. Why do I have the urge to reply? Should I?

I was forgetting about him so successfully lately and he has to go and appear again. It's like a bad addiction that's so hard to kick.

Conversations

Friday: on the phone
David: how was your day?
me (in my head): it just got a hell of a lot better!
me: good

Saturday: before going out
me: do I look ok?
Mum: why does it matter? It's only Claudia and April. They won't care.
me: I know.

Saturday: walking out of the cafe
Claudia: how do you know them?
me: I only know David
Claudia: how do you know him?
me: uni
Claudia: did he do your course?
me: no
Claudia: so how do you know him?
me: uni

That's what she gets for not telling me she had a boyfriend for 6 months. I'll tell her eventually. April told me she was already getting interrogated and she had to say she didn't know anything.

Saturday: after getting home
Mum: who came?
me: April and Claudia
Mum: anyone else?
me: Mike
Mum: So it was just you four?
me: yes...
Mum: just you, April, Claudia and Mike?
me [hate lying]: maybe... there might've been some others
Mum: who?
me: why are you asking me all these questions? I'm going to bed.
Mum: aren't I allowed to ask?
me: good night!

There's a part of me that wants to tell her about David which is why I'm not trying very hard to lie convincingly but I hold back from telling her straight out because I don't want her to make a big deal about it before it actually becomes a big deal, and in case it never will. If I knew for certain she would not ask me about him constantly, I'd tell her in a second.

Is it weird that I miss David already if I just saw him last night? Didn't get to talk to him much yesterday so I guess it's not too weird.

David and Friends

David and Friends

I love when things just work out.

At around 5pm BG3 hadn't let me know if he was coming or not so I decided he wasn't. That relaxed me and I got ready for a quiet night out with the girls.

Then half an hour before I was leaving, I received a message from David saying he'll be coming. So I got a little excited that I was going to see him. Who cared if Claudia and Christine would gossip later. I was happy I didn't have to wait till next week to talk to him.

When I got there and was leaving the car park, I heard someone honking and someone call my name so I turned around to see a car with April in the back seat and Claudia at the front. Hang on a second, I thought, if April was in the back seat and Claudia wasn't driving, that could only mean one thing. Mike was here too! Perfect. David would not be the only guy there. And I would not have to pretend that I didn't know Mike would not be coming.

I waited inside while they parked. Didn't see David there yet. When Mike, April and Claudia came, April's eyes were already communicating a million things to me - "Where's David?", "Mike is here!", "Is David's friend coming?". After I told Claudia and Mike that we were waiting for someone else and they stood a little apart from us talking, April and I decided to talk with our tongues instead. It's hard to describe how happy I felt to have April there. That warmth that fills you up when there's someone who's thinking the exact same things as you at the same time and is excited and anxious just like you. She's my long-lost twin (who's been found years ago). Of course, I could've just been so happy because two important parts of my life were about to be combined - my best friends and a guy (the guy).

Turned out David was already there. With his friend who I was a bit shocked to see. So was April. Her heart must've dropped thousands of feet. She later told me that when she saw the two of them and didn't know which one was David, she sincerely hoped for my sake that it was the normal looking one. I told her she should've hoped the other way around so she could get the normal one. But April doesn't think selfish thoughts immediately. I don't even know how to describe the other guy. At first I judged him by his looks (which turned out to be quite accurate). He looked like he was about to bark at someone. His face expression was in a continuous grunt. The fact that he wasn't too attractive (and I'm putting this in the mildest way possible) didn't help by his messy look (like he just got out of bed or jail) and a face expression that said "I hate you all, I don't want to be here". He also turned out to be the most dumbest guy I (or April) have ever met.

When I tried to be friendly and asked him what he did, he said that he thought going to uni was stupid and working was much better. He said it in a way that he thought would make us respect him. Very wrong move. Didn't he realise that everyone there valued education? For the next two hours, he barely said a word.

I tried not to leave April out when I was talking to David but it was hard. If I talked with April, I felt that I was leaving David out and when I was talking to David, April felt left out. And since it was pretty loud, it was hard to talk to both of them at the same time.

As I was sitting next to David, our knees touched a few times and I found out what people meant when they say there's chemistry between two people. I definitely felt it from my side. It's like there's a chemical reaction just by being close. (I'm sure everyone else in the world would have felt it by my age). Never felt that when I sat close to other guys. There was always something wrong with them - too immature, not intelligent enough, not funny enough, just not enough. It reminds me how much I wanted to feel something like that with Tim because he liked me but I just couldn't.

When I decided to pay some attention to April and turned to my other side, she wasn't there anymore. Then I saw her talking to Valerie's sister who turned out to be there with her friends. What a coincidence to see someone I knew while I was not just with girls. Since April didn't need me anymore, I just kept chatting with David. Even though I always thought that we were going to run out of things to say any time soon, we never did. There was always something to talk about. And it helps that he was quite cheeky so I could joke around with him. I know that some people just don't have it in them to be cheeky and teasing so I was glad he wasn't one of them. And he can be quite serious too which is a perfect combination so I could talk to him seriously too.

When I was talking with April, she told me that she was going overseas with her parents during the winter break for 3 weeks. I started to miss her already. Three weeks without talking to her is going to be too hard. She said I might have David as a boyfriend by then which made me realise that I'd rather talk to April for 3 weeks than David. That thought surprised me but I guess it shouldn't be so surprising because I can't talk to David like I can talk to April. How amazing would it be if I could find a guy that I could share the same emotional closeness as with April. But David will do for now.

After a couple of hours, we decided to go to a cafe that Claudia wanted to go. April came in my car so we could discuss everything. She told me that Mike was quite inquistive about who the two guys were and if I was going out with David. April said that Claudia didn't ask. Mike seemed to be the interested one. I didn't mind. Although at first I thought he was too insecure, I think he gained a lot more confidence when he started going out with Claudia and now is a really cool guy to hang out with. Much better than Evan. Would love to know how much Christine would regret not coming and seeing me bring two guys since she thinks April and I are completely lost cases when it comes to guys. And she would've been right before because we were.

At the cafe, David's friend decided to start talking and when he did we all wished he didn't. He started bragging about being selected for some gifted/talented class where he was really good at "Spot the Difference" and he demonstrated his abilities by listing the difference between two similar paintings hanging on the wall. April and I were just looking at each other, not believing this guy was serious. I looked at David but he was staring at the table, looking embarrassed. Will not judge him by his choice of friends. And his friends from last week were ok.

I wished I was sitting next to him but at least I had a better view of him from across the table. Then his friend decided to talk to him in Spanish which I thought was quite rude since no one else could understand. David was also pretty quiet the majority of the time. Wanted to ask him if he was ok but didn't want to attract attention. Hoped he wasn't too bored. I saw Mike talking to him but didn't hear what they were saying. How cool would it be if they could be friends?

After that Claudia and Mike decided to go and April wanted to go too since she had to work early today. David asked if I wanted to go to the City with them but I didn't want to drive there because parking would've been impossible and I really didn't want to have his repulsive friend there with us. I wouldn't be able to talk to David properly anyway with the other guy there. I would've went just with him.

As they were walking us (April and me) back to my car, the three of us were chatting, while his friend was walking behind us. This was one of the few times when I didn't make any effort to include the left out person. I just didn't want to be near him.

Listening to April and David talk made me realise how much they had in common, and how similar April was to me. Could he even tell the difference between us? April has the same sense of humour, the same hobbies, the same tastes, plus she does Law and likes The OC which he likes too. I must be the only person who doesn't love it. The only difference is that she's religious and doesn't like to go out as much and she's a little less hyper. He could easily go out with either one of us.

A few weeks ago, before I've met any of his friends, I was telling April that if I liked his friends better, I would go for it (which is very selfish, I know) but after meeting his friends, I realised that I don't want any of his friends. I just want him. I guess if he liked one of my friends more, I shouldn't be too offended since I thought selfishly before too.

Hopefully, next time we can just meet up alone.

Relief Is Here

He called :)

Anxiety has disappeared and relief has settled in.

He said he wasn't sure if he could come tomorrow but he'll let me know tomorrow. Like I care if he can, I'm just happy he called.

I wasn't going to tell him that my job ended but somehow it came out. He told me he failed one of his exams. It also just came out because I could tell he wasn't planning on telling me. So I wasn't too embarrassed about my unemployment.

Some of the things he was saying emphasised what I don't like about him but I chose to ignore them for now. Even with all his bad points, he still beats all the other guys I have ever met. So that's gotta count for something.

And he said "It was nice talking to you, Sky" twice. I love when guys say my name. Ok, I'm making a big deal out of little things again. Too bad my phone's battery went flat so when I called him back, I couldn't talk long (too expensive) so had to go.

Wonder if he'll end up coming tomorrow. I guess it won't make too much of a difference. A part of me doesn't want him to come because I don't want Claudia to know about him (or Christine who will undoubtedly find out from Claudia). But I do want to see him. I'll be happy either way because I know I'll see him eventually.

During our conversation he mentioned going out with different girls. I wonder if I'm just one of those girls he meets up with. It doesn't really bother me 'cause we are not going out or anything, but deep inside I want him to think that I'm more special than the others. I guess everyone wants to be seen as more special than others. Not just in the romantic sense, but with friends, with family, at work etc.

If he does come, I'm really interested in what April will think of him. If his friend comes, I guess we won't be able to hang out by ourselves afterwards. Oh well. I'm just happy that he called and I can stop going insane for a while.

POBian Song

"So how are things? It’s raining there, it’s a snowstorm here. Tell me, do you miss me?”

- another POBian song

Mind Control

"Without you, I live you."

- POBian song

Such short lines, yet so powerful. It's almost like me this week. Didn't see David at all, yet he' had taken over my life in my mind. This is really embarrassing but I missed my station a few days ago because I got distracted by my music and my thoughts. And today I almost missed it. If I missed it twice in one week, I would've had to check myself into a mental institution.

The Desperate Want

He hasn't replied.

This better not be a repeat of last year with Andrew.

As soon as I start to care whether a guy likes me or not, things just stop. Are my thoughts that powerful?

He:
- used to smoke
- thinks speeding is fun
- believes in God

Ok, I feel a bit better. Must resist writing all the good things.

I finished another chapter of my life today because it was my last day at my job. The feeling of unemployment started sinking in. I wish I could say that another chapter of my life was beginning (in regards to BG3) but I think that's ending too. Before it had even begun.

At least I get to see April and Claudia tomorrow so that should cheer me up.

I'm finding it really hard not to turn my thoughts into thoughts about David. Replaying Saturday in my mind entertained me for almost a week. I need new entertainment.

Keep thinking how before I would replay the meeting with BG (the original) and wonder what it would be like if Amy didn't turn up. What if she wasn't there, what if we got each other's numbers, what if... But with this one, there are no 'what ifs' because everything went the best it possibly could have. I remember that crucial moment when I said "See you later. Actually I'll probably never see you" and he asked for my email. Hope more than anything that my anxiety about seeing him again is for nothing and that next week I will have more memories of him to keep me distracted.

I keep getting too close to getting what I want, yet never actually get there. I need that cycle to stop.

Just A Bus Guy

If I look at how I've been for the last few days objectively, I think how pathetic I'm being. Making a huge deal out of every tiny thing. Deep inside, I love having a guy to make a huge deal about. I conveniently erased all the things I don't like about him from my mind. You'd think he was perfect from how I've been going on about him lately.

On Monday, there's a couple in the class before mine who I find hard not to stare at. The guy is this really cute South American and the girl is a not very attractive red-haired, yet the way the smile at each other is adorable. It reminds me of David and me. Not the adorable smiling but something else. It reminded me of how on Saturday when at the end of the night, BG3 leaned his head on the table so I had a nice view of his his short black hair. I was looking at his hair when I saw some strange girl watching me look at his hair. I wonder what she thought. I saw a lot of strangers look at us that night. I hope they weren't thinking "What's he doing with her?" Hopefully they were thinking, "They make such an adorable couple".

Just want to see him. I don't know how I can wait another week. It reminds me of those TV shows that build up romantic tension between two characters for way too long. I can see this being like that. Or a dream where I'm about to get a boyfriend but just before I do, I wake up to my cold reality. Think I might wake up soon.

Wish I could erase him from my mind so I can go back to being numb to being alone. Because I can just feel disappointment about to happen without anything ever happening.

Sometimes I think that just by thinking so obsessively about it, I'm driving him away.

I don't even know him. Gosh, I don't even like him that much.

Ok, I can't even convince myself that anymore.

Plan: See David On the Weekend

Since just calling him up so soon made me too nervous, I decided to invite him out with my friends which would be more casual.

Step 1: Organise

I asked April on Monday if she was free. She was. The plan could go on.

On Tuesday I called up Claudia and asked her if she wanted to come. She said she was going to Mike's house on Saturday night and couldn't come. I said to bring Mike along and all of a sudden she agreed and said she'll come. That got me quite annoyed that she would only come if he was coming. Does going out with someone make you inseparable? I told her I'd call her later with the details. But I needed Mike to come so David would not be the only guy there. So everything was going according to plan.

I called up Christine but as usual it was impossible to reach her. Sent her a message and she replied that she wouldn't have any money left after Friday. The excuse of students. I knew it too well, even though it felt weird to hear her say that now that I'm working full-time. Was a bit disappointed but it's ok, I only need April, Claudia and Mike to come. Oh and David, of course.

Step 2: Confirm and call David to invite him

I called up Claudia to let her know the time and place but she didn't pick up. I messaged her to confirm she was coming. She wouldn't reply. I got agitated that she changed her mind and I would not be able to call David, something I was looking forward to all day. As the time was ticking away and it was getting late, I went to bed upset that I didn't get an excuse to call David.

Step 3: Think of a new excuse or hope Claudia replies with good news

After going through a relatively short phase of deciding he'll think that I don't like him since I didn't call and it was definitely my turn, I decided that this wasn't over yet and that it was my ridiculous thinking (that's evolved from never having a boyfriend and getting too impatient). I decided I'd call him next week and organise to meet up the following weekend, and since it wouldn't be so soon after last time, we wouldn't need to use friends as an excuse. We could just meet alone. Which would be perfectly fine with me.

Just as I was about to write about how much Claudia had changed from a sweet, always wanting to please, innocent girl to the opposite, when she messaged saying that she'd be coming, by herself. So I had my excuse to call (since I decided I could tell him that I thought Mike would be coming if he would be wondering why he was the only guy there) and instead of running to the phone, I got nervous. Was it too soon to call? I decided it was too late 'cause what if he decided to go to sleep early like last time and I'd wake him up? Didn't want to do that again. So I took the easy way out and... didn't do anything.

Just kidding. I messaged him. And he hasn't replied which leads me to believe that he might've really been asleep. Or he's avoiding me. That's my annoying thinking which I will try to postpone for a few days.

If he can't come, I would be fine with that because I don't know if I want him to come with me, April, Claudia and no guys. I just wanted for my turn to invite him somewhere be over so it can be his turn to make the next move.

So now it's his turn. The weight is off me.

Wonder what will end up happening. I predict he won't come.

Who Reads My Blog

It's really nice to know what sort of people read my blog. Especially the one who put my blog through this. Nice.

While I'm on the subject of the type of people who read my blog, I have to write about a very special one. The one who thinks he almost fits my criteria for RG. Obviously he's a little over his head. The one who thinks my sense of humour involves the "Knock Knock" type of jokes. I only find jokes funny if they're said in the right context at the right time, not just out of nowhere, unless they are especially witty.

This guy said that he doesn't read my blog because he thinks I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Yet he asks me what I've been up to all the time. So since he thinks my blog isn't really me, I make up stories that he would think are more real. Like I told him that I was really a nanny who was writing a great novel in my spare time and that I got kicked out of my house when I was a teenager because I got pregnant. Maybe that would've sounded more realistic to him. And the weird thing is that I'm not 100% sure he didn't believe me.

The last time he asked me what I was up to, I said that I flew to the moon on Saturday and still had some jet lag on Sunday. He asked me if I really meant I was on drugs. If you maybe read my blog, you'd know how I feel about such things!

I really don't get this guy. He wants to email me because he said I sounded interesting (from my blog), yet he doesn't want to read it anymore. I think he still reads it though because I'm pretty sure I know his IP address, but I guess I could be wrong.

He seems like the really serious type because he thinks everything I say is serious so I find it really amusing to say random things.

We'll see if he actually reads my blog because maybe after this post he'll stop emailing me. Or he can pretend he hasn't read it. It'll be entertaining either way.

Unemployment - Holiday

This week is starting to feel like the last week of a school term - more relaxed, less work to do, can leave earlier.

Even though of course I'm a bit upset that I will be unemployed next week, but for some reason I'm not as sad about it as you would expect. I'm kinda excited. Excited not only about being able to sleep in past 6:30am but about where my life is going to go. What new people I'll meet at my next job (which is most likely going to be some administrative temp work again). Will I decide to take the risk and do the film course? Am I going to stick to graphic design or find a job in something else? Lack of certainty can be exciting.

Just hope that my unemployment period isn't going to be too long. Which I'm pretty sure it will be but I don't want to think about that now.

Had to show the woman who's taking over my job how to use the program that she needs to know in order to design pictures. I gave her a basic overview and was about to leave her to it when she said, "But how do I make it look good?!". Now that was something I couldn't teach her. My manager later told her that maybe she should watch how I design stuff. I wanted to yell, "How about you just let me continue doing my job and she can do the other part of her role?!" Really have no idea how she's going to cope. She has never done graphic design in her life. And it's something you need practice in. I don't even want to remember the work I did when I started uni.

All day I was working like a robot. My fingers were doing one thing and my mind was completely somewhere else. Just remembering Saturday night was enough to get me through the day in front of the computer. Tried not to smile which was hard.

Yesterday when Andy and I went to our dance class and I was sitting on the train, he said to me "You look like you're trying not to smile". And the best thing is that he's actually interested in hearing me talk about BG3. He was telling me about the girl he's getting close with at uni. (He's quick.) I haven't decided yet if I like her or not. He said to me that it's weird how he always wanted a South American girlfriend and I always wanted a European one and it might turn out the other way around.

Also, was thinking how good it was that I started taking salsa classed because they really came in handy on Saturday. Who would've ever thought? Don't even want to think if I didn't even know the basics.

BG3 Improves Mood

Can't get him out of my head all day. Just keep seeing him in my mind.

Must repeat: crushes are bad. VERY bad.

Today, I had to go and pick up my grandparents because they were going to have lunch with us to celebrate Mother's Day. When I picked them up, I gave them a bag of some stuff and when we got to my house, it turned out my grandpa left it in the front yard while he was talking to the neighbour, so had to go back there and when we got to his house, the bag wasn't there. My grandpa got so grumpy and started saying that he wasn't in the mood to go back to our house. And usually his grumpiness would've irritated me but not today. All I had to do was think of David and nothing could ruin my mood.

POBian song

"I love him because he loves me."
- POBian song

Who's That Hot Guy?

Why is it that the later I go to bed, the easier I find to wake up early?

Got home after 3am today. Still a bit on a high.

Yesterday I realised that I do really care if this guy likes me or not because the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Or maybe I was just too impressed by his professional dancing abilities. Felt like an idiot trying to do my beginner salsa moves with him. Couldn't remember a thing. He didn't seem to mind and was twirling and spinning me all over the place.

Then when we went to another dance floor that had the usual music, I realised that I was so used to dancing by myself in a circle of friends all the time that I had no idea how to dance to club music with a guy. Another embarrassing thing to add my list. But it was better after I got used to it. A lot easier since there are no specific steps like in the previous one. Plus, we started doing silly moves and so the people we were with decided to pretend they didn't know us. I didn't blame them. We were being ridiculous. But having so much fun.

Also, I don't know how I didn't notice this before, but David is hot. He got a haircut and looked so much younger. And he was the hottest guy on the dance floor. I'm still puzzled how I could've missed that little detail.

His friends were totally cool too and I got along with them straight away. Whenever someone asked how we knew each other, I would just say uni (because I was paranoid one of them read my blog) but then David would add the "we met at a bus stop" bit.

David and I were also talking about how lots of people from uni that we know don't like to go out because they are always studying and we both agreed that there needs to be a balance between studying and having fun because these people will regret later that they wasted these years behind books. Finally someone agrees that studying is important but not everything.

Apparently he also got an award for coming first in a college course he did before uni. Intelligence is so attractive. Also it was good to hear that he was ambitious and had a career plan. It was like music to my ears. None of his friends that we were with had tertiary education but it was really important to him because he wanted to reach the top of his career.

Turned out he's really social too. The place we went to, he kept meeting people he knew every 20 minutes. But I guess you have to be social to meet someone (me) at a bus stop. He makes friends wherever he goes, yet he's not too loud and boisterous. He just has a really good attitude - 'enjoy life' type of thing.

Really must not start getting my hopes up because that's what ruins everything.

Thoughts on a Cold Morning

More from POBian radio:
"Too bad we had a fight because I was going to spend the weekend with you."

I don't know why lines like that really stand out to me but they do. They seem so genuine and full of heart, yet so practical.

I'm meeting BG3 tonight and his friends. I feel better knowing that we're going to be doing something I really enjoy. I'll be more relaxed. Hope his friends are not too intimidating. Must find something to wear. Something that looks like it's the first thing I picked out of my wardrobe but looks great. I love these sorts of problems.

Very soon I will have a different problem (the bad kind) - searching for another job. Next week will be my last at my job. Really don't know how they're going to cope without me because they already don't have enough time to do everything, even with me there. On Friday I came to work and my manager got me to do his presentation posters for him while he was getting ready to leave. When would he have done it if I wasn't there? Especially considering he was at work the whole previous night preparing his presentation.

Don't know how I'm going to find a better job. This one was quite fun and had a lot of variety, even though the facilities were really bad and since 90% of people smoked, the office always smelt of the disgusting fumes.

Can't wait till the dancing class. It was so cool to start level 2 last week. I saw the beginner's class 'cause Andy and I came a bit early and that class had twice as many people as our very first class. And there were only about 10% of girls without partners. Lucky. Although my class had twice as many guys as girls which was really great. Even the instructors were suprised.

It's funny how last year, I thought I was under some curse that would not let me go to any dance class and now I'm going regularly and even finished the first level. And it's the best mood booster. Even though I get tired right after work and don't feel like going anywhere, when I get there my energy just bursts. I end up wishing it was longer.

My heart is so tired without love

"My heart is so tired without love"

- POBian singer

Need For Validation

None of the managers are going to be at work tomorrow. I'm so tempted to come late and leave early. But I'm worried that since my manager is going to be there in the morning and in the afternoon, I will not be able to guess when.

Today I got complimented on one of the ads that I've done. My manager only told me such things when I just started and haven't commented on my work since. Then, today he specifically came up to tell me how much he (and the other manager) liked something I did. You can imagine how good I felt. And I'm one of those people who needs to be affirmed that my work is liked. If that validation stops, I start to think that maybe I've stopped producing good results. And since my line of work is so based on taste and opinion, I can't be confident that just because I like what I did, that others will too.

At uni everyone would always ask others their opinion while they were working so we'd know we were on the right track. At work, you're expected to do all this independently. I miss having that constant communication about what everyone was working on.

I miss uni. I know I've said that a lot but I just can't get over my uni days. And they weren't even that perfect. I guess I just miss those constant breaks where we would all sit at the cafeteria and talk for hours. Or even in class when we were supposed to be doing work, we'd chat and laugh about everything. I remember I used to think, "if only I liked these people more" but now I miss talking to them so much and would love to have those days back. I'm getting emotional just writing about it.

My Graduation

I don't think I ever talked about my graduation. It seems like it was forever ago. And in some ways it was.

I met up with Amelia and Claudia beforehand so they ended up coming to get my gown. The other students were all there with their parents but I told my parents to come when the actual ceremony started. Amelia and Claudia acted like my parents. They held my stuff while I was fitted into my graduation wear and Amelia even squeled and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Our little Sky is graduating! I'm so proud of you!" All the guys from my course who were lined up behind me stopped talking to stare. Even though I was a bit embarrased, inside I felt so happy that my closest friends were there with me. Friends who saw me growing up. Almost like family.

Since my Mum was supposed to bring the camera and she wasn't there yet, Claudia took photos of me everywhere. She said she wanted them for herself. So sweet.

Even though my family wasn't there, my friends definitely made up for it. No one else's friends were there so I felt quite special.

My parents came later. My brother didn't which got me upset. He said he had a lecture but when I asked him later if he could've skipped it and that he was the only sibling who wasn't there, he said that he didn't realise it was so important because he didn't go to my school graduation. Can't be too hurt because of his childish naivite. When he realised the importance of it, he kept apologising and even skipped his meeting with his friends to play soccer to wait with me at uni (while I was waiting for Sally). I just can't stay mad at Andy.

After the ceremony, when I was chatting with my uni friends, Sam came up and gave me (and the others) a kiss on the cheek. Then I saw my parents. I wonder if they saw. They think I don't talk to guys at all. When I was going back to return my gown and my parents were walking behind me, I saw Bill walking towards me and he asked if I was coming to dinner later with them. I said I was. Then a few minutes later, I saw Fabian and as he walked by, he tapped me on my shoulder and said, "Congratulations" with his usual smirk (or was that a genuine smile?) After that, my Mum caught up to me and said, "You said there are no normal guys in your course! You didn't even pay attention to them! What was wrong with that one?!". I didn't want to start. Fabian, out of all people! Honestly! Sure he looks impressive, but that's it. Although... honestly, I think I might miss his attention. A bit. Might. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm even saying that. Who would've thought. I'm sure I don't mean it.

After the ceremony, I waited with Andy for a bit. That was odd to meet my brother at uni but pretty cool. Then, after waiting in the library for an hour by myself because I had nothing else to do, I met up with Sally and we chatted for about an hour until we got kicked out of the cafeteria because it was closing. We got to the cafe where we were supposed to meet the others. We were discussing our plans to go to another state in a month or so together. Can't wait. Especially that I haven't been there which is a bit of an embarrassment.

Lilly was already at the cafe. It's weird that she's the most talented one out of all of us but is one of the few who didn't get a job. I think she just hasn't been really trying. It was so great to catch up with her. After waiting for almost an hour for the others, came about 15 guys so it was just us 3 girls and the guys. I was wondering why I wasn't interested in any of them. The girls came 40 minutes later. It was so great to hang out with everyone.

Would've been nice to have a boyfriend to have at my graduation but then again, it would be nice to have a boyfriend to have anywhere.

Tired

Feel weird talking to April about BG3 already. I called her tonight 'cause she messaged me in the morning to let her know what's happening on the weekend. When I called and told her, she got really abrupt and said she had to go and study. I felt a bit offended when she cut me off like that. I'm sure that it was just that she had lots of uni work and was distracted by that. But somehow it felt like she didn't want to listen anymore. I'm probably just being too sensitive. Got too used to having her always there to listen. The only person I could tell all the details to without being embarrassed. So it felt odd when she didn't want to anymore.

Called David afterwards 'cause had to ask him if he could pick me up from another place but when I called, it turned out he was asleep 'cause he wanted to wake up at 2:30am tomorrow to study. Who does that?! Everyone else I know usually stays up till 2:30am and then goes to sleep.

I'm so tired, I should go to sleep.

Too Far

BG3 called on Sunday. And I wasn't even expecting it. I thought he was going to continue the tradition of only calling on Tuesdays. But it's ok, I've forgiven him.

He said he wasn't sure what he and his friends were doing on Saturday anymore because his friends like to decide at the last minute and he wasn't even sure if they would be free. He suggested to meet beforehand and then meet them later. Totally fine with me.

When I tried to get him to meet in the City because that's about the middle for both of us, he said that the others would go out around his area. I got a bit annoyed that he couldn't get his 2 friends (who he wasn't even certain were coming) to come to the City. But then he started saying that it wasn't just those 2 friends. There's apparently a large group full of couples and he can't make them all go to the City. That got me so confused because at the beginning he said only the 2 guy friends were coming. Must be the language barrier.

When he asked if I could come and I said that I can, as long as I can get there, he told me not to worry and that he would drive me home, even though it would take him an hour. I hate to be such an inconvenience. Told him to just drop me off at a train station and he started laughing and said not to worry, he'll get used to it. Now, is it just the language problem again or did he mean he's planning on driving me many times in the future?

I hate relying on people for transport. He said there'd be no way to get home, other than taxi, at 3 am anyway. Didn't realise they were planning on staying out till then. If I was in the City, I'd be fine with catching a bus 'cause I've done that many times but there weren't be any buses in his area.

Don't feel too comfortable going by myself somewhere I don't really know with a guy I barely know and relying on him to get home. But I'm going.

When I said that my friend (April) only finishes work at 6 (the time we were planning on meeting) and if we should meet later, after a silent pause, he said "This is getting complicated... Don't worry about your friends. There'll be plenty of people. Just come yourself."

Hmm.

So April won't be able to come. And she was really looking forward to it. Makes me think of karma doing its rounds for all the times she cancelled on me.

Felt my own karma too when he thought graphic design was below his sister's abilities. Maybe that's how people who don't/didn't go to uni feel when I act condescendingly about it. Not that he said it in that way but when he was saying how his sister liked to draw/paint and I jokingly said that maybe she could be a graphic designer too, he quickly said, "No, she's going to be a lawyer" like he was deciding her future.

He was telling me how noisy his neighbours were 'cause they always had parties till early hours in the morning. And I could so relate, until he said "I wish they'd invite me. It looks like so much fun!"

In other news, my manager told me I only have 2 weeks left. I'm glad I got to make the most of this job. And I'm happy it went for longer than the planned 1 month. Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm thinking: check out all the film courses info again, apply to graphic design jobs anyway and call the temp agency for some temp work. Basically, everything at the same time and see what comes first.

The Perfect Store

Went shopping today. I love not having to save up for anything and working full-time. If I really want something, but don't really need it, I can still get it. Because what other reason is there to work if you can't spend what you earn? Of course I don't mean that you have to spend everything you earn but there's less of a need to be extra cautious about what you spend your money on.

Although I associate spending money on (almost) useless things with women who try to compensate for the missing parts of their lives with material things. How sad. Wish I could go and shop for a boyfriend.

The Boyfriend Store
salesperson: can I help you?
me: well, do you have any really intelligent funny ones?
salesperson: we actually have those in that corner over there. They seem to be very popular and selling fast.
me: I understand. Do you have any left?
salesperson: let's go and have a look.
me: what are those, falling out of the storeroom?
salesperson: the returned ones. We're told they're beyond repair.
[in a hushed voice] They don't even want to be fixed.
me: *gasp*
salesperson: that one even came with a free bonus
me: "Drinking problem included". How generous!
salesperson: we like to do what we can.
Are you getting one for yourself or someone special?
me: someone special for myself! I've had enough of giving others presents. They're never grateful.
salesperson: tell me about it! It's so hard to please anyone these days. Mother's Day is coming up and we still get unsatisfied mothers from last year. They say we ruined their lives. Doesn't the thought count for anything?
me: obviously not these days.
salesperson: so here we are...
me: ooo, I like that one!
salesperson: yeah, he's cute. Would you like to have a look?
me: can we actually open the box?
salesperson: of course! You can try him on in the fitting rooms to see if he suits you
me: great!
boyfriend: Sky, I've been waiting for you all my life
me: awwww... I'll take him!
salesperson: the 5 year warranty is included. If he breaks your heart, just bring him in and we'll give you a replacement of your choice, free of charge.
me: perfect
salesperson: how would you like to pay?
boyfriend: please, let me. I insist.

Ah, if only it was that simple.

A Different Look At Romance

I was listening to POBian radio online and some guy sent in a message for his girlfriend.

"When you see stray dogs or get cold, you press yourself closer to me but I enjoy it. And I love that it's mutual."

Don't think I'd ever hear something like that on Australian radio. There was something so raw and romantic in this almost childish observation, I can't get it out of my head.

Subconscious Talking

I dreamt that I met Max and he brought his girlfriend. She was blonde, short and kinda chubby with a friendly smile and not perfect looking but gentle. We met in some field that had his house on one side where there was a party going on. He looked really good. And smart. At first I thought it was his sister but then I saw that he was holding hands with her as he was coming towards me. He introduced us. Then some of his friends started coming to his party and as they walked past us, I realised his friends were the smokers from my tour in America. He was about to introduce me as his net friend but I gave him a look to stop the introduction. He looked at me weirdly. I asked how they met (he and his girlfriend). He said they met at a guitar class.

I kept thinking that at least David will have a uni degree but it didn't really help because Max looked so intelligent.

After a bit of an awkward chat we said final good-byes and parted.

What a strange dream to have.

He still hasn't replied to my email. I talked a lot about my wonderful job and graduating from uni. I wonder if he thought it was a way for me to put him down that he didn't go to uni or didn't have an intellectually challenging job. Although that wasn't my intent at all, I could see that it might've looked like that to him. But when I sent it I thought that if he got offended by it, it was because he had issues with it, not me.

Anyway, it's not like I'm still hung up on him. It's just that I'm so used to him being a ghost in my life that it will probably take time for him to completely disappear from my thoughts.