Dancing

Is it possible to be suffering withdrawal symptoms from something I haven't really done much?

Because I feel like it's happening to me about dancing. All I want to do is go to some dancing lessons. I'm going to call about some I found in the local paper tomorrow morning. The ad said that it's for adults. I just hope that it's for beginners and not professionals.

Seriously, my mind is only filled with dancing. But I guess it's a nice change from only having my non-existent boyfriend on my mind.

I also saw an ad for extras. I checked out their website and it said that if they take you, you have to pay $190 for a photo that they can show to potential clients. I'm not paying that much money if I don't have a guarantee that I'll get work. And another thing I don't really like is how they show your details on the web (all your measurements, your photo, your name and your age. I don't particularly want to have that information publicised about me on the net. I thought those type of agencies only let potential clients see that kind of stuff, not the the whole public.

Uni Frustration

This year is definitely not my year. I'm having so many problems with my timetable. Two subjects clash which means I have to always miss one hour of one subject (since there is no way I can catch up on the other even if I only miss one week). And since I have to get to both subjects, I will have no break for 7 hours and will have to leave one early and come late to the other one. It's so messed up. And what makes it worse is that I had to go to a lot of trouble to get into one of those subjects.

After I've accepted this problem, I've encountered another one. I just checked all the dancing classes at uni and they're ALL at the times when I have classes. I was really looking forward to joining one of them. ARGH!!!! This is so frustrating!!!

The Answer; Thoughtful Friends; And The Beauty Pageant

Went out yesterday to celebrate Christine's birthday. I was glad that she picked a place close to where I (and she) live, rather than somewhere in the City as usual.

While we were walking to the actual place, April and I had an interesting conversation.

April: The answer to your question is one.
me (innocently, although I realised what she meant): What question? I didn't ask anything.
April: You know exactly what question. You were thinking it.
me: I swear I wasn't thinking it [honestly]! How can you assume that's what I was thinking?
April: Because that's all you've been thinking about lately!
me: Well, I wasn't thinking it just then although I'm thinking about it now.
April: Well, it's one. I asked.
me: I didn't expect any and even if there were, I wasn't expecting any good ones, judging from last year. And anyway, if you assumed that's what I was thinking, that means you were thinking about it too! And you say you don't care anymore!
April: And I don't. I thought you would want to know.
me (seeing the guy): Is that him?
April: It has to be.
me: Well, my expectations were correct.

Georgia came too. I can't believe she tried to talk to me. If she thinks it's that easy to pretend what she did never happened, she's very wrong. I wasn't rude to her or anything because I'm above that. But I'm not going to be nice to her either. If she apologises, I will think about being nice to her but I know that's never going to happen.

Amelia and Claudia found a bookstore that was looking for casuals. They talked to the manager to see how nice she was and approved. That was so very sweet of them! Unfortunately it's not very easy for me to get there so I won't be applying.

Amelia also had some interesting news - she was asked to enter a beauty pageant! If I suggested to April for Amelia's character in our TV show to enter a Beauty Pageant, April would've said that was too cliche. Life can't get more cliche then. I can't wait to see her doing the whole thing. She was practising vacant stares all night. Except instead of blank stares, she was giving looks evil enough to give children nightmares. But it was hilarious. I hope she wins. And I reckon she's got a pretty good chance.

Yesterday, I had my longest conversation with Evan (Christine's boyfriend) ever. I think it was actually my first proper conversation with him. And she's been going out with him for four years! He's not as bad as we always thought he was. I think that if he wasn't 8 years older than Christine when they started going out (she was 16), I wouldn't have a problem with him. Or even if they started going out when they were both adults, the age difference wouldn't be so bad. I think they'll get married because it's very obvious that they really care about each other. You should've heard about how much trouble he went to get what she wanted for her birthday!

Anyway, it was a pretty good night which took my mind off my horrible uni timetable which I might tell you about later.

Fear Ruining My Life

You know what I always wanted to do? I always wanted to try acting. So why haven't I? I never had enough confidence. There were so many times when an ad for extras catched my eye and every time, I was too scared to apply. My lack of confidence drives me crazy.

I would love to be an actor if millions people didn't watch me. I like acting different characters but I hate people (that don't know me) watch me do it.

Another thing (that's more attainable) is to take dancing classes. The only good ones that I know of are the ones that are too far to get to every week. So I'm waiting for some at uni. Even though I really don't want to go by myself, I'll have to get over it. I can't depend on people to do everything with me all the time.

I watched "Strictly Dancing" on TV last week and it reminded how much I want to take dancing classes. So, this year I will be more independent and do things that I want to do even though none of my friends will come with me.

It's easy to write that but hopefully I'll be able to stick to it.

Remember That TV Show?

April and I decided to have yet another go at writing our TV show. But instead of re-writing the same episodes and trying to improve them, we decided to start all over again. We even changed the characters a bit. And the show's style too. Before we were always trying to come up with some gimmick that would make our show different and stand out but even though the things that we were coming up with made our show original, they were also making it boring.

So now we've decided to not have any gimmicks but focus on the characters and the story lines. And by basing them on real life, we are making our show original that way. I think it actually makes our show more genuine, authentic and engrossing.

Hopefully, this time will be better.

You are Rerun!


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Improving Yourself

The 3 original guys on "Average Joe" are so insecure, it's unbelievable. I don't understand why they have to obsess about how they look because they think that that's the most important thing. It reminds me of something my Dad said ages ago that still stays in my mind and something I remind myself every time I start worrying about how I look. He said, "[People] should stop focusing on how they look and start paying attention to their personalities".

It makes me think that if people would put all their energies that they use for making themselves look good into improving their personalities, the world would have a lot more better people.

People spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery but how many people would pay any money to improve their personality?

If you could improve just one of your personality traits, what would it be?

Dashed Line

Did a really stupid thing yesterday. Went into a chatroom. Can't even remember the last time I went into one. Forgot that it's possible to start chatting to someone who you would want to chat again with. And again. And again. Didn't the Max thing teach me ANYTHING?!! Apparently not.

I keep telling myself that I'll just stop emailing this guy whenever I'll feel like it and won't care. But that's what I kept telling myself about Max. And the Max thing just evolved into something too weird. And even though it keeps stopping at times, it always somehow starts again. Like a dashed line. Some dashes are longer, some are shorter but there are always breaks in between.

My life is always either screwed up or non-existent. I always keep changing my mind about what I prefer. Sometimes, I need something (even if it's not the best thing) to make my life more interesting and sometimes I'd rather have nothing just so there's nothing to worry about.

Problems

I love raining weather. Especially when my mood reflects it. (I find it annoying when it's sunny weather when I feel bad.)

Just watched Dr Phil. I don't particularly like him but I like the idea of watching a psychologist at work. Anyway, they had this family on that I couldn't take my eyes off. Watching them was like either reading a novel or watching a some Drama movie/TV show. Except it was all real which made it so much more intriguing.

The oldest daughter (15 years old) got pregnant (because she didn't know that if you have sex without protection you will get pregnant). The father called her a slut. Her mother wants to give the baby up for adoption. Her twelve year old sister hates her because of her stupidity and because she has to deal with the whole thing too. To add to this, the father cheated on the mother TWICE and pays attention only to the older daughter because she is his favourite (even though he called her a slut) and the younger daughter is upset that no one is paying any attention to her even though she didn't do anything wrong.

How could I not want to watch all this??? It sure beats any movie or book. I don't even understand why they would go on TV but who cares. It's great entertainment. And don't tell me I'm being insensitive because they are the ones that agreed to share their problems (which is an understatement) with millions of viewers.

Now, to my problems. Well, not really problems but the fact that nothing exciting is going on in my life. And I'm annoyed that I can't write anything I want to in here because there's a strong chance that people who know me might be reading this. I was so afraid that it would happen. It's not that I'm 100% sure that it's true but I don't want to take any risks.

I was even thinking of starting a new blog where I could write about everything that doesn't have anything to do with what concerns people that know me. But then that's why I wanted to do with this blog but everything has something to do with everything else. It's hard to compartmentalise events and people in my life.

Max said that I'm very sarcastic. Me? Sarcastic?!

Ok, fine, I am. So?

An Important Issue

April and I had a difference in opinions on who's prettier - Trista from "Bachelorette"

or Melana from "Average Joe". (See in the right side panel.)

What do you think?

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Origins

Went clubbing yesterday with April, Claudia, Amelia, Elaine and Alan. Had a pretty good time apart from the fact that all clubs really get to be enjoyable after at least 11pm which makes the beginning of the night a waste of time if you're not really into drinking, like I am.

Tomorrow is Elaine's last day in Australia. She's quite happy to be going home because she misses her friends. I think I will actually miss hanging out with her. And I don't even know her that well. But she made me a bit nostalgic about my origins and it proved to me once again that I can relate better to people from POB, even though I lived here for most of my life.

Paranoia Or A Real Problem?

I'm getting EXTREMELY paranoid or if my paranoia has a good reason, then I'm getting EXTREMELY worried. What about, you might ask?

A few days ago, I had a sinking feeling that my Dad might be reading this. I don't know this for sure, of course. But even the thought freaks me out.

Dad, if you're reading this, please stop!!!!

If you are not my Dad and view this regularly using the Opera browser, please email me to tell me that you're not my Dad (preferably with some proof eg. your site address). If you can do this, I will really appreciate it and my mind will be at ease.

Clubbing

Had a good night yesterday. Went clubbing with Elaine, Amelia and Alan (Elaine's older brother). Unfortunately we couldn't get into any club because Alan was wearing shorts and sneakers. (He's 29 and hasn't been clubbing for a while and he only went to clubs in POB and there apparently you can wear whatever you want). So due to his lack of proper clothing, we went to some pub/bar that had live music and a dance floor. That was fun until it got so packed that we couldn't even move. After that we just walked around the city for a while.

Next week, Alan will dress properly so we'll be able to get into clubs. And Jeanne (Alan's wife) should come too. It'll be the last Saturday before Elaine will be going back to POB so it's her last chance to see Australian clubs.

Maybe April, Claudia and Christine will come too. Christine actually called me yesterday but I didn't realise until an hour later when I checked my phone since I didn't hear it at the time she called. Oh well.

If April will have another excuse for not going, it's her loss. I could go dancing every weekend (and so can Amelia, I think). The major problem is usually finding a way to get back which is eliminated when Alan comes since he lives five minutes away and can drive me home. But he's only going now because of Elaine so when she leaves, my lifts will be gone too. Another way is for April to stay over so then we could catch the train together but since she never wants to go, that doesn't work. So I'm taking advantage of it while I can.

Different Poems For Valentines

Claudia sent me this. I don't feel so bitter about Valentine's Day anymore.

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

My Common Sense Tragedy

I think I forgot to mention that my common sense has committed suicide. It was a big tragedy and it will be deeply missed.

It always guided me in all my decisions and never left my side (like lots of other people's common senses do). It was a true and loyal friend.

However, lately, it had started having bouts of depression due to me ignoring it. It told me numerous times to leave the Max thing alone. It told me to take advantage of all the opportunities that made it so easy for me to let go of him. But I never listened and started to avoid my common sense all together.

It started feeling frustrated and alone. I didn't care even one bit and instead of paying more attention to it, I put all my energy into coming up with ways of convincing Max to meet me without him knowing it and making him think that it was him who changed his own mind.

The more progress I was making, the worse my common sense got. In its last few days, it didn't even speak to me. Today, it reached its final moment when it killed itself with my email to Max.

It will be fondly remembered.

In A Bad Mood

Every time I'm in a bad mood, I don't feel like doing anything. And I REALLY have work to do today. I have to finish logos for my parents' friends' business. When I woke up today, I told myself that I will not go on the net until I will finish the logos. But then I thought that even if I don't go on the net, I still won't do them so might as well go online.

The Worst Day

I hate Valentine's Day.

Not just because I'm bitter about not having a boyfriend.

Not just because it means nothing to me.

And not just because it's a commercial money-taking excuse for a celebration.

But because there is absolutely no escape from it except at home.

What if I feel like going out tomorrow? Why should every place have a Valentine's theme plastered all over it and every club have some sort of singles party encouraging people to meet your Valentine? What if I just want to go and dance somewhere with my friends without having Valentine's Day always be in my face? It's as if I need even more reminders of my single state.

Ok, so I am bitter. And Valentine's Day means nothing to me. And it is just a commercial money-taking excuse for a celebration. And I should just ignore it and view it as just another day. But I hate it almost as much as my birthday.

Fake Reality

I love reality TV. There, I admit it. I love watching how people interact in the most unusual circumstances. As long as it's not about renovation. Even "The Resort" had to have something to do with renovating. They couldn't help themselves, could they.

I also watched "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance" which was hilarious (in a really guilty way). I am very suspicious that the bride and her family are actors too. Otherwise it's just too cruel of a joke to play on your own family.

"Paradise Hotel" was ok but reminded me of "Temptation Island" which I used to hate. I like the idea of musical chairs sort of dating show. All the contestants were pretty stupid which really ruined the show but then again, smart people wouldn't go on it.

"The Resort" also had a collection of stupid people with maybe one exception - the doctor. No wonder she was complaining all the time. It'd be horrible to be surrounded by self-obsessed idiots.

And I can't not watch "Average Joe". Such a copy of the Bachelor. I was surprised that the woman got rid of the better looking ones on the first day. And if the whole point was to pick good personalities in guys, they failed miserably. I could not see even one guy with a nice personality. They were all too weird. And hypocritical - even though they were not the best looking, all they could see in the woman was her looks. Stupid stupid.

Yet, I can't take my eyes off these people.

Talking With April

April: in the next two years u will get a bf
me: i'm sorry, i just don't believe u
April: well i'm offended - u'll be sorry when u get one

Thursday Ups and Downs

Thursday turned out better than I thought, even though it started out quite badly. Elaine turned out to be a really cool person and just the type of person I'd want to hang out with.

Claudia and Amelia were really friendly to her and included her in our conversations even though she couldn't speak English. I was so glad they didn't ignore her, unlike Christine who after finding out that she didn't understand what she was saying didn't speak to her. I got some practise translating really REALLY quickly (to the point where at one stage I spoke English to Elaine and POBian to Claudia).

I had a pretty good time though.

In other news, I'm unemployed. Yes, my Christmas casual position has finished and the manager is not keeping any of the Christmas casuals. Trust my luck to get a manager like that when all the other managers in the store are probably keeping the Christmas casuals. April's store decided to keep her.

The thing I hate most about not having a job is looking for another one. I hate the whole process of sending out my resume and going to interviews and telling the interviewer a lot of BS and the interviewer knowing it. For once when applying for a casual job, I wish I could answer the question "Why do you want this job?" with "Because I need the money". Especially that the interviewer knows very well that it's not because it's a great opportunity blah blah blah...

To top off my day, I got an email from Max. Well the second one after I wrote him. In the first one, he answered my question about why he didn't want to meet me. He said it's because he doesn't see any point since all the other times he met people off the net he never sees them. I, of course, had to ask him what was the whole point in starting to talk again and he said that he just didn't think I'd want to meet him so fast. Fast?! FAST?!!! I've talked to him for 3 years and then another 9 months last year. I didn't want it to turn into another 3 years of not meeting.

He also asked me a question - "What is it that you want?". At first I was stuck because it made me think that I don't know what I want. But then I realised that I know EXACTLY what I want. I want to find the Right Guy but since that's not something he can help me with, for now I can settle for a guy that I'd like to be friends with ie. him. But it's not like I'm going to tell him that.

I don't even know if I really want to meet him. It depends on my mood. Cause I wouldn't want anyone to know so I'll always have to hide it which on one hand can be fun and exciting but on the other tiring.

Argh, I wish I would just make up my mind about what I want from him.

Amelia just messaged me that she'll be coming! Yay! I'm so happy now! Doesn't take much to change my mood.

Annoyed At April

We planned on going out and April is sick once again. How is it possible for someone to always get sick on the day when we plan on going somewhere? I can't even feel bad for her anymore because I get too disappointed. Especially today when I invited a girl who came to Australia from overseas and was really looking forward to going out.

Of course, I'll be going anyway because Claudia will be coming too. It'll just be very awkward because the girl can't speak English so I'll have to communicate with her and Claudia separately. That's why I'm so upset that April won't be coming.

Amelia said she might come but isn't sure because she has to go to the hospital in the morning. I'm not upset at Amelia at all because she never leads me to believe that she'll be coming when she won't be. It's only April who does that.

And she always has her excuse that's pointless fighting about - it's not her fault that she gets sick. Well, I'm starting to think that it is since it's always happening.

And I'm also annoyed at April for being rude to my brother. Yesterday when she came over, she not only didn't even say hi, she completely ignored him. Before when she ignored him, we thought that she was just shy but now it's just plain rude.

Tonight is going to be so embarrassing. I told the girl that we'll be meeting my 'friends', as in plural but only Claudia will be there. And Christine hasn't even replied to April's message about whether she'll be coming. I know she has to work today but I don't know when she'll be finished.

Really really hope Amelia can make it.

You know, I'm actually starting to miss Nadine. She would've come.

THIS is FREAKY!

Try the test to see how accurate it is!

My Favourite Guy

I'm in love with Markus Zusak. I loved him once before, when I was in high school.

No, I've never met him but I feel like I know him more than I know people that I have met.

Yes, I might be going a bit crazy.

A book hasn't affected me as much as "The Messenger" since I don't even remember. Especially the ending. I couldn't even fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I felt as if Mark (can I call you that?) was talking directly to me. As if the words reached out from the page and started dancing in my heart.

I had a strong urge to write him a letter, look him up in the phone book or do something drastic. I even imagined meeting him.

Today when I looked him up on the net, I found that last year he gave a public lecture with Melina Marchetta (another favourite author). I'm so annoyed I missed it.

Lots of people idolise music and movie stars. But here I am going crazy about an author. Unlike lots of other books, all Mark's ones are so personal that I feel like I'm reading his inner thoughts. And I can relate to them. And I love them. And I want to marry him.

Just kidding!

Married For Life

I watched "Married in America" today. It's by the same guy who made the original "7 up" (and the others in the series) - the first show that got me interested in documentaries. I even made Nadine answer the same set of questions every year while we were in our young teens.

I wanted to play a game and guess which couples will stay together and which ones will break up. By trying to guess this, it made me realise that you can never be certain about the couples' futures. How can anyone predict who is truly committed and in love and are able to compromise and enjoy each other's company? Sure, anyone can make a guess but no one can be certain.

Dear Bravenet,

YAY!!! I didn't think you'd ever show the visitors' IP addresses again. But guilt obviously has started swallowing you up. All I can say is ABOUT TIME!

I started to feel as if I lost all regular visitors.

Hopefully, there will be no relapses of this sort.

Sincerely, Sky.

Now, I have a guest map, just like everyone else. It looked like a fun feature so why not add it.

Friday Five

You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first? My brother.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself? A trip to America.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else? A new car for my parents.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom? My parents, my brother and charity.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how? Yes, buy property.

The Late Come-back Line

Yesterday I had another case of a good come-back line coming too late.

I was working in a department where I haven't worked before so there were lots of people I haven't met. I was quite enjoying helping rich people find their perfect $500 accessories and then dealing with unhappy customers not happy that their $500 accessories broke the day they put them on.

(Note: Brand names DO NOT equal good quality.)

I was also enjoying the company of two guys who were absolutely hilarious and entertaining. (Now, why aren't there any straight guys like that?)

Anyway, at one point a really tall (not gay) cute guy comes up to me and just looks at me with a weird smile on his face. I (being the naive me) thought he was going to introduce himself. However, he didn't say anything for a few seconds so I said, "Hi". And he just kept standing there looking at me. I was about to introduce myself if he wasn't going to say anything. Hey, maybe he was just shy, right?

No, very wrong. Before I could tell him who I was, he said, "You look nice." And some woman, out of nowhere said, "Don't believe him, he says it to every girl."

I, not being used to hearing things like that from guys, couldn't think of anything sharp to say back but just rolled my eyes or something equally boring. After he left, I couldn't stop coming up with better ways of reacting:

1. "Looks can be deceiving" (although this one seems a bit too flirty now.)
2. In a bored innocent voice "I know. That's because I am."
3. In a very irritated voice, "Well, I'm not as nice as I look."

There were also a number of variations and combinations of the above.

Actually, looking back with hindsight, the eye-rolling was probably the least embarrassing reaction with minimum consequences.

I guess the only reason I couldn't stop thinking of better ways of reacting because I never want to be the same as all the other girls he said it to. Not because I liked the guy since I don't like that over-confident type but because I can't stand the thought that I'm just like everyone else.

Cooking. Visit To Grandparents. Guys.

I decided to go to my grandparents' today so in the morning, I wanted to make some cookies (from a new recipe) to bring for them. I followed the instructions very carefully and do I get rewarded with delicious cookies? No. They were good enough to throw out. But I just couldn't do it. The thought of throwing out food (especially a lot of it) brings images of poor kids in Africa and also reminds me of the time and trouble it took me to make them. So I decided to get a little creative and make a new recipe with whatever I could still save. I mixed the pieces of cooked dough with pineapple and according to my brother they tasted quite good. So the ingredients didn't go to waste. Well, some of them anyway.

Grandparents were very glad to see me (not surprisingly). They are the only people who would love to hear me talk about myself for hours. They are also the only relatives who don't expect me to get married after I finish uni. However they mentioned some person's daughter who had a boyfriend (but they said it as part of the conversation, not forced it out of nowhere). It still made me a bit sad and feel as if everyone in the world has a boyfriend except me. And April.

The thought of turning 20 soon is only scary because I've never had a boyfriend. I need time to stop and wait until I get one. But then time will have to wait for a long time and it probably doesn't have a lot of time.

Ok, that was a weird sentence. But I'm not changing it.

I need to talk to April but she's not online.

I watched an Indonesian movie yesterday about a group of five close friends just because it had the same idea as April's and mine never-happening TV show. It was too sentimental though. Ours is more light-hearted.

Speaking of light-hearted shows, I watched a few of them in the last few days. One of them was Neighbours (which is still watchable after all those years). Home And Away is also watchable because of the good-looking actors. I also watched American Idol 3. I don't know if it's just me or if the American version seems to have a lot more stupid people who for the life of them don't realise that they can't sing. How can anyone be so unaware?

In other news Ben hasn't emailed although he was supposed to be back in mid-January. I think I can safely say that it's definitely past 'mid-January'. I wonder why he hasn't. Oh well, I should be used to things like that. I had a strong urge to ask Max if he got my email but thankfully, that urge has passed.

I was proved once again how stupid and immature the guys from my course are. Got an email from one of them about a get together that I won't be going to. Got another one from a guy who's overseas. He only talked about girls in short skirts. No respect whatsoever. I'm sick of guys like him.

Hey, I should probably do a guide thing with summaries of who's who. Don't really feel like it right now though. The email guys were Bill and Warren (respectively).

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't mean you're not friendly!


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How can you tell the difference between missing someone and missing the idea of him?

Laziness

Amelia called yesterday. I haven't spoken to her since New Year's because she's been so busy working almost every day. She told me that she has most of the days off this week. We were supposed to go watch "The Spanish Apartment" today but it's not showing anymore. Well, in cinemas that are within 1 hour radius. That's a bit annoying because I wanted to see the movie for weeks now. She said she wouldn't mind seeing "Love Actually" with me but I don't really feel like watching it that much anyway.

I'm being lazy 'cause I don't feel like going anywhere, unlike yesterday when I just wanted to get out of the house. In some ways, I'm actually starting to miss uni. Not the constant assignments but the idea that today anything can happen and I might meet someone interesting. Although I won't be meeting anyone interesting this year because I already know all the people that will be doing my subjects.

Can't get used to the idea that I'll probably (if my enrolement is fixed) finish uni this year. That's kinda scary. I'll have to find a proper job and no more almost 4 months holidays. I honestly don't know how I'll be able to live without that. I don't know how I managed high school with only 5 weeks.

I think the holidays are numbing my brain cells. For the life of me, I can't write anything remotely interesting in here.

Subliminals

Political:: rubbish
Concentration:: hard
Fish:: nemo
Lunacy:: crazy
Red:: flower
Imply:: hint
Recognize:: someone
Sexist:: man
Commercial:: funny
Stricken:: girl

Shoes, Shoes And More Shoes

What is it with people obsessing about shoes?! They are just there so you won't have to walk barefoot. And accessorising an outfit is just a bonus. I have 6 pairs of shoes that would go with every outfit in every weather:

1. casual sports shoes
2. closed black square toe platform shoes (to wear with pants)
3. closed black round toe platform shoes (to wear with skirts as well as pants)
4. casual open black shoes
5. black strappy platform shoes (to wear to nice places)
6. black platform shoes with a strap (to wear with skirts)

I wish I had a digital camera to post pictures of them but you'll just have to use your imagination.

My blog needs a serious makeover. I'm getting bored of it.

Does anyone check my message board?

Crazy Christine

Went yesterday to April's house. Christine and Claudia also came. I'm learning to not pay attention to Christine. You know what she said yesterday when I said that I wasn't very hungry at 9pm?! She said that she just thinks that I don't want to eat in front of them. WTF?!!! I have no idea where that even came from. She said she just couldn't believe that I have dinner before 7pm. She eats at 10/11pm if not later. Honestly, I give up on trying to understand her.

Must Stop. Must STOP!

I just had to dig at the past, didn't I? Couldn't leave it alone. I just couldn't help myself at all. I had to email Max.

I don't know why I always get stuck on the hope that some sort of nice relationship (whether boyfriend or good friend) will come out of it. Who am I kidding? Only myself, that's for sure.

I was just re-reading some messages that he sent me (yes, I was sad enough to save them) because I thought that he might've not liked me after we had that long conversation on the phone but he messaged a couple of days later to say he hoped to talk again soon. He wouldn't have bothered to say that if he didn't mean it. Especially that he also sent me a few more asking how I was. So what the hell made him change his mind?

I emailed and asked him. He hasn't replied. Either thinking of a good reason and a nice way of saying it or wishing I'd leave him alone.

The thing with him is that he over-analyses everything too much and then gets sick of doing that and just stops at whatever the last thing he thought of. So he could've twisted his feelings of wanting to meet up to not wanting to talk to me ever again without me doing anything. And then a lot later he might forget why he didn't want to meet up but not call or email thinking that it's probably better that way anyway. So me emailing him is just checking how he feels about it now.

When he said he didn't want to meet up, I was actually relieved. Not about meeting him but about knowing where we stood and that it wasn't leading anywhere and just stop pointless messages.

I don't know why I'm doing all this now. Well, actually I do. I just realised that I'm going to be 20 in 2 months and I've never had a proper relationship. Or any relationship for that matter. And he is the only person I can sort of hang any hope to.

I know people say it will happen. But it hasn't yet and I have no proof that it will.

April and I were talking about it again and since there's nothing horribly wrong with us, it actually seems quite against all odds that we don't have boyfriends.

Staff Stuffs Up

My uni is so unorganised, it's driving me insane!!! I didn't get enrolled into half of the subjects that I wanted. Now I have to go there and correct all their mistakes! Otherwise, I won't finish next year. Right now I'm enrolled as a part-time student. Their whole administration organisation is a complete joke! I've been having problems with them since last July when I had my operation. Why do they have to stuff everything up?! Argh, I feel like screaming. But I won't. They're not worth getting a sore throat over.

"Aren't You Going To Apologise?"

Christine called on Monday to see if I was mad at her. I don't want to describe the conversation because I get too angry thinking about it. She wanted ME to APOLOGISE to HER for assuming that she understood that I needed to go home after I told her about 5 times! Any normal person would understand so it was not an unreasonable assumption. She said I didn't make it sound urgent because I was very polite about it and didn't start whingeing and complaining. For God's sake, I'm not a five year old. I thought I made myself clear by repeating myself four or five times.

Anyway, I forgave her 'cause I hate being annoyed at people. I didn't apologise though because I didn't see what I did wrong.

Bachelor

I watched "Bachelor: The Women Tell All" and Leann (or whatever her name is) looks SO much like Katie Holmes. And I felt bad for Mary, the 35 year old. I can see myself in her. I can totally imagine being 35 and not married. However even then I wouldn't go on Bachelor. It's too demeaning.

Subliminals

Berry:: yummy
Fiendish:: Georgia
Bar:: pick-up
Frank:: blunt
Bend:: rope
Fanatic:: John Lennon's killer
Belch:: beer
Flagrant:: cruel
Burden:: not having a boyfriend
Flimsy:: skirt

Subliminals

Mitchell:: Margaret
Mercury:: planet
Cycle:: circle
Engagement:: I wish
Alternative:: music
Gang:: bad
Emotional:: sometimes
Skinny:: not fair
Hypochondriac:: April
Insecure:: someone

Getting Closer

On Wednesday, Lauren came over so we could plan our itinerary. It was such a nice change to hang out with someone outside my high school friends. Although, she would probably fit right in with the high school bunch. The only difference between them and her is that she is very laid back and easy going. She basically said that she doesn't care what we do in America as long as we go (and she gets to visit some music venues). Of course, I couldn't be happier that I get to go only to the places that I want. She thinks all those places are great and is perfectly happy with out finalised itinerary.

An (almost) finalised itinerary makes our trip so solid and real. The only problem is that hotels don't allow to book so far in advance so we can't get definite accommodation prices. I'm so excited about the whole trip, I can hardly wait! I wanted to go to America since I was about 13!

Yesterday, I worked in another department. I liked that one more than I like the one where I usually work. Don't know why but I do.

My Mum was asking me again what my plan was on getting a boyfriend. I told her I didn't care if I ever got one because at the time I was too frustrated at my inability to find a guy that I just couldn't care less.

Now, of course, I care because the thought of never getting a boyfriend in my whole entire life is too depressing.

You came from the sky. Your a daydreamer and prefer
to have a good look on situations.


Where did you come from?
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Babie's laughter: Warm, kind and loving; a baby's
laugh represents you. You are very innocent and
enjoy the simple things in life. You are
probably very good with children and have a
positive, happy soul. (please rate my quiz)


What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
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Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
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You are guided by water. You are generally calm and
peaceful, but you can be very destructive
without even realizing it.(Rate my test)


What force is your soul?
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Irritability Irritates

I'm the most irritable person I know so it doesn't help when people do the most annoying things that I can't do anything about.

Irritable event #1: Last week April, Claudia and I organised to go into the city on Saturday and then maybe to some club. I messaged Christine to ask her if she wanted to come. She, of course, didn't reply straight away but only called on Friday to say that she wouldn't be coming and that Claudia didn't want to go either. Uhm, hello, Claudia already told us that she did. So I had to ask Claudia if she still wanted to come to which she said that she just didn't want to go to the club afterwards, but she didn't mind just going out to listen to some music. So why did Christine have to make such a big deal about Claudia not wanting to go?

Irritable event #2: On Saturday, when we went to the City, April and Claudia were refusing to have a good time. All they wanted was to just sit and do nothing, while everyone else was dancing and enjoying themselves. I felt like it was all my fault for ruining their night, as if I made them come. I so wanted to dance but I wasn't going to by myself. I couldn't help but sulk.

Irritable event #3: On Saturday we planned on seeing the Spanish Apartment on Monday. However on Monday, I get called when I was already at the train station to tell me that we were meeting at another place. I just assumed that we were going to watch it somewhere else. Little did I know that Christine changed our plans because she wanted to eat in a really expensive suburb and then go shopping. If I knew that, I wouldn't have went. So after lunch, we ended up following Christine to every shop, missing the movie. I was already mad at her for changing our plans like that. After shopping, we decided to go home but when we dropped off Claudia, Christine had the urge to go to her house to get a drink. Once we got inside there, we didn't leave for hours because she didn't want to!!! I would've left myself if there was any public transport but Claudia lives far away from that so I could only depend on Christine's car. During those hours, I told her a number of times that I had to wake up at 5 the next day to go to work. All those times she absolutely ignored. I was so mad at her by then that I didn't even say a thing for the next hour because I knew if I opened my mouth, I'd yell at her for being so selfish. From now on, I'm never going out with Christine again.

Irritable event #4: There are so many guys at work and I still can't get a boyfriend.

The Sales Disease

I went shopping yesterday night with my Mum for my brother's birthday present. He's turning 17 tomorrow. After we got him some stuff, I started to have the same irrational reaction to sales that everyone else is having - wanting to buy stuff that I never would want if they weren't on sale. Unlike the general public, I didn't succumb to temptation, even under my Mum's pressure.

Although, now I'm thinking that I really want that skirt for $11. Even though I very rarely wear the skirts that I do have. My problem is that I don't like wearing things that make me stand out, even if I look really good in them. As in the case of that skirt.

I do this really pathetic thing of not wearing clothes I look good in to not get unwanted attention. Usually people do the opposite.

Quitting Workmates. Guilt. Dawson's Creek. Beauty.

I'm so annoyed almost all the people from work who I'm friends with are quitting. Without people to talk to and make fun of the trivialities of working in retail, work sucks. My current job is the best one I've ever had, all because of the people I worked with and they all had to go and ruin everything by quitting. I feel like sulking like a five year old. Which is what I'm doing now anyway.

I'll be going to my grandparents' place in a hour because I feel guilty that I haven't seen them for a while. When I called my Grandma to let her know, she sounded so happy, it made me sad. I wish my grandparents didn't rely on us (Mum, Dad, Andy and me) to make them really happy.

I watched Dawson's Creek yesterday. The only thing I liked was how Dawson was trying to make a film about his and Joey's relationship, just like the real creator of the show made the whole thing based on his childhood. Also, it's just not fair how beautiful Katie Holmes is. I think if you look like that, you can get away with anything.

I had this theory about looks. I think people who are perceived as 'beautiful' are the ones that look less threatening and have the most exaggerated friendly face expressions. Sort of how people think that dolphins look friendly because they seem as if they're smiling, even though that's just they way they are. So that's why people like big eyes and friendly smiles because they are associated with non-threatening behaviour. So what people think is beautiful is all based on animal instinct.

America Time

It's so weird, Nadine left today to go to America. Next year, this time, I will already be back from the states. I feel almost as excited as if it was me that went there today. She's not coming back for almost 3 months. That's a pretty long time although I'm sure for her it will go very fast.
Actually time is going pretty fast for me too. I'm going to be 20 in 2 months. I'm not totally depressed about it. Yet, anyway. No more being a teenager. Not that I ever was a proper one anyway. I didn't experience all the proper teenage things such as a first boyfriend, first kiss, first love etc. Ok, I will not dwell on it.

I will think about going to America at the end of the year and all the exciting adventures that would bring!

Superpower

If you could have any one superpower, which one would it be?

(You can answer on the message board if you'd like.)

Book Quotes

"I ask you: is dullness a gift? intelligence a curse?"
- The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
(A question I've asked myself many times.)

"I say yes, since it's the only appropriate way of saying no that I can think of at the moment."
- Bachelor Kisses by Nick Earls
(Rings true many times.)

Will And Other Taste Changes

I haven't really felt like buying a CD (rather than downloading it) since Matchbox 20.

I'm in love with Will Young's songs. Well, half of the album anyway. Some songs sound like Westlife (who I grew out of when I was about 15) and were probably just put on the album to attract the general teeny-bopper public. The other half is jazzy, soulful and just mesmerising. I feel like I'm under a hypnotic spell when I listen to his voice singing them.

I was never a fan of that soft and slow type of music but I guess I'm growing up and my taste is maturing. Sort of like my taste in food changed to not only tolerating healthy stuff but actually enjoying them too.

Memorable Quotes

"It takes effort to be an individual" - Jen

"Money makes money and the money you make with it makes more money" - Alyson

New Year With Two Sisters

Yesterday, some family friends came over. One of them was Jen (16) and her sister Alyson (19). Their parents are relatively new friends of my parents so I only met Alyson once (two years ago, I think) and Jen twice. She came over with her parents a while ago.

I never particularly liked Alyson. She's like a caricature. All evening she was looking at her reflection in the TV and playing with her hair and saying how we should go to a theme park because she already knows what she's going to wear. But she won't go on water rides because she's going to wear jeans (and no she doesn't have any shorts or casual pants that are not denim) and her make-up will be ruined. And don't forget her hair. I couldn't believe she was not joking. Then she kept bitching about one of her high school friends. I had to ask her why she was friends with a person she couldn't stand and she said, "Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I just can't stand to see her more than twice a year". That's just the type of person that she is.

Jen, her sister is completely down-to earth. She is totally the type of person I'd be friends with. Very friendly and with a sense of humour. The first hour, Alyson didn't even say a word while I was chatting with Jen. I guess she was too busy practising different ways of batting her eyelashes and planning her hairstyle for the next outing. After that, she started to join in. My brother was there too. I actually had a really good time, chatting with everyone. Alyson suggested for all of us to go out somewhere and bring some friends. I just thought how wierd would it be to combine my friends with my brother's. We never go out together. It's weird but I think of Jen who's younger than my brother as more my age than my brother and his friends. Probably cause she's a girl and because I haven't really changed since I was 16.

Although Jen and Alyson are so different, you can tell they get on really well. Alyson told me that she got Jen a present that said, "Sisters by chance. Friends by choice". I thought that was THE SWEETEST thing!

World Idol: And the Winner Is...

I taped the live World Idol show and just finished watching it. The whole voting thing was just like Eurovision but I didn't agree with lots of people's choices. Yes, I think Kurt deserved to win but the others were just not in the order that I would've liked them to be in. But then again, I didn't vote.

I was a bit disappointed that Guy wasn't one of people's favourites but that's because I start feeling patriotic, not because I'm a big fan of Guy, even though I tried to like him. I really did. I thought the guy from Canada had a nice voice but he sang a bad song and also we have to understand that the majority of people who vote don't exactly have a musical education and just vote on whoever they enjoyed watching, rather than who has a good voice. That's fine, I guess, because there are lots of singers who sell records not because they are extremely talented but because they have something that people are attracted to, either their image, the way they act or the type of songs they sing.

I made my Dad watch the tape of World Idol so I can hear his opinion because he understands music and because he has very specific taste (that I don't necessarily agree with but respect anyway). Without knowing that World Idol is a competition for people who were not professional singers before the national shows, he straight away said that he could tell that they were amateurs. He liked Kelly the best, but not by much.

Max, Ben And My Wedding

Ok, so the Max thing is over. It was over a few weeks ago but I didn't feel like writing about it. I basically messaged him to ask if we were ever going to meet and he said no. So I'm not wasting any more time on him. He missed out. Bad luck. I'm glad I didn't get upset or anything. Probably because I was happy to not continue any more pointless communication.

Ben emailed me from overseas to say that he's really enjoying himself. It's nice of him to do that but I'm not as happy about it as I would be if he was older. I told April this and I think she's getting angry that I'm throwing away my chance of having a nice boyfriend. I know I am but I don't want to go out with a guy I have no future with and I just don't see any future with a guy who to me feels like a younger brother.

The couple that stayed with us told me, just before they left, that they hope to see me at my wedding. What the hell?! How do weddings always get into conversations? I hope my Mum didn't embarrass me and ask them if they knew any guys to set me up with.

Will You Light My Fire

(couldn't resist the pun)

So I watched World Idol. It's just like Eurovision so I quite enjoyed it. My brother taped it so I could rewind and watch my favourite bits over and over again. Ok, I only watched it 3 times!

My favourite one was Will Young. I loved the song that he sang. I think that I would've liked anyone who sang it. The Norway guy also had a really good voice but I'm not a fan of U2 so I didn't enjoy it as much. And I can't even judge Kelly Clarkson fairly because I'm put off her by all the hype. Guy was good but I think he would've had a better chance if he sang another song.

Merry Christmas

I prefer not to open presents. It's more enjoyable to look at the pretty wrapping, wonder about the shape of the object, feel the texture, assess the size and pretend that it's the most wonderful gift in the world.

Once you open it, all the excitement disappears. Behind the beatiful paper, there's usually some pointless gift that you don't want or need.

That's what usually happens in my case. Yeah yeah, I know it's the thought that counts but the more thought (and money) a person put into a bad gift, the guiltier I feel about not liking it.

The best gifts are usually the ones that are no surprise. For example, I love the gift voucher I got from April, Amelia and Emma so I can buy a handbag that I like. I asked for this present and I got it. So there was no surprise element.

Christine's and Claudia's gift was actually offensive and I would be embarrassed to give to anyone. Apart from the puzzle (which is fine), they gave me a travel guide (which is fine) from 2000!!! They are not even sold in the shops anymore! They probably got it at some book sale. What am I supposed to do with it?! Christine probably got it since she has no sense of anything. Claudia (who is like her best friend) got a present from her that is for her medical condition (can't say what it is here). It's just cruel to point out someone's medical problems on Christmas! So if she didn't have it, Christine wouldn't give her that present. It's like buying a wig for someone who went through chemotherapy. That's just not cool.

I'm getting so tired of her lately. Yesterday, April reminded me how at the sleepover she was telling her boyfriend how bored she was right in front of us. Does she not have any sense in her?

I never noticed her rudeness before.

Andrew gave me the sweetest present, as usual. I asked him for organiser refills but he misunderstood and got me another organiser. It's huge and I don't need it but it's from Andrew so I love it just cos it's from him. I also told him that he can just get me $10 and that would be perfectly fine. So aside from the organiser, he gave me $20 and he said that $10 was for my library fines!!! Can I have a sweeter brother?! I don't think so! No one has a better brother than me.

My parents got me a very expensive backpack that I could take to US next year but they said it was also for uni cos my other bag is ripping at the seams. I wish they didn't give me such an expensive one. I don't want to attract attention with it. They meant well of course and I love them for that but if it wasn't so expensive, I wouldn't feel as guilty for not wanting to wear it to uni.

Now everyone left to go to a BBQ with my other relatives. I didn't go because I'd just end up baby-sitting my hyperactive 5 year old cousin. I'm having a nice time relaxing at home. And it's not as hot inside.

Some couple that my Mum met through work is coming from another city to stay with us for a few days. I'm just glad I won't be home for that. I'll be working.

Well, that's my Christmas for this year. Not very exciting. I hope yours is more fun!

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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The girl in the photo looks like she's on drugs.

Forgetfulness Costs

I can't believe I forgot to renew my books!!! I don't want to pay $10!!! This is so stupid of me. I don't have spare cash! I know it's my fault which is why I'm so annoyed!!! Maybe I can use my brother's card and not pay the fines until next year. I wonder if there's an interest on them.

Christmas Party

I feel better now. Just came back from our Christmas party. Apart from Christine really getting on my nerves (April and I are getting tired of her rudeness), it was really nice.

After work yesterday, I went to April's house where Christine was already waiting for me. She drove April and me to Claudia's house.

Claud's dog is the cutest ever. It's one big ball of fluff. I forgot the breed but it's like a collie, only small and black and white. Last time I've seen him, he was a puppy so his fur wasn't as long as it is now. April was scared of him which was funny 'cause dogs can sense that. He was running around chasing her. It was the funniest scene.

I'd love to have a dog but since I've never had one, I wouldn't know how to take care of it properly. Not that my parents would let me have one anyway. When I was little, I used to want one but now I can see that having a pet requires a lot of time that no one in my family has. I guess I'll have to enjoy other people's pets.

Yesterday I realised that when I see dogs (or babies), I become so embarrassing and start talking in that annoying voice that people talk to dogs (and babies). I didn't know I had it in me to be like that but I couldn't help it.

We played cards. I was teaching the others how to play a really popular POBian game which actually requires a bit of thinking (because it's very different to popular Australian/American card games) and Christine kept saying how stupid the game was just because she didn't get it. That annoyed me more than I thought it would. Just because she didn't get it, didn't mean it was stupid. The others didn't really like it either (because they weren't used to that style of game) but at least they were polite enough to try and enjoy it.

That whole event made me think how people are so unwilling to try out new things. My Mum was just telling me the other day how difficult it is for middle-aged people to immigrate to another country because they are so used to their own one which was why she admired Nadine's parents to do that, even though she can't stand their personalities. I guess it all relates to people's unwillingness to change.

I read/saw somewhere that it's in people's instincts not to like change so it has a biological reason. But people have evolved so much that it would be nice if they were more open to it. Change is so important to the existence of life and the world.

Anyway, this is starting to sound like a bad English essay, especially that my year 11 topic was "Change".

I also ended up wrapping Claudia's Christmas presents from her parents. I thought that was a bit strange to wrap your own present from your family. Then it took all four of us to wrap Emma's present. That was fun.

After dinner we lounged around talking about songs that Claudia was reading from an ad in a TV guide for mobile phone rings. I love how I can talk with my friends about the most unimportant things. Christine sang all the ones that we forgot the tunes of. Although I still don't think she should embarrass herself by trying out for the next Australian Idol, she can definitely sing in tune.

Today in the morning, I strangely woke up early, although I went to sleep about 2am in the morning. This was probably 'cause my body is used to waking up early for work. After we managed to wake up Christine, we went to meet Amelia and Emma for our Christmas party. Saturday morning from 9:30 to 12:30 was the only time when all of us were free.

We went to have breakfast in some small empty Italian restaurant. The owner was obviously desperate for customers because as soon as we stopped to read the menu he came out and too enthusiastically invited us in to look at more menus:

"Girls! Let me cook you breakfast!"

I made April, Emma and Claudia wait outside because I don't particularly like places like that but then Christine waved for us to come in. I was annoyed enough at her as it was and wasn't too happy about her just making us go in but we didn't have much time so we decided to eat there.

The waiter/owner wouldn't shut up and kept asking Emma why she was so sad, just because she only ordered a drink. Personally, I can't stand when people think I'm sad when I'm not so I decided that I didn't like the guy. He also wouldn't shut up and was fully taking up our time with his pointless conversation.

"Are you uni students?! Because we have a special student menu! Here you go, have a look. But's it's actually $6.50, not $5 like it says on the brochure. And no, you can't get it today, you can only get it on weekdays! Oh, I see you are having a Christmas party! This is SO nice! Are you international students and have no family here? That's so nice that you're getting together for the special day! That is just SO nice!"

Hello, it's not Christmas today! Waiters just shouldn't be like that. Their job is to serve our food and leave us to talk. I think there was even an article about that in the Sunday paper a few weeks ago.

He also started asking me if I wanted everything that was included in the the menu item that I chose. What a stupid question. Of course I wanted everything that I was paying for. Amelia and Christine ordered the same thing but didn't get everything because I don't think they realised that when he asked them if they wanted bacon or fries, you could have both. That breakfast was the most fattening one I had in ages. It reminded me of a typical American one which I always wanted to have: eggs, toast, bacon, fries (well, he only put 2 on my plate), lettuce and sausages.

Emma didn't eat anything, as usual. I'm getting very worried. The first time I noticed I didn't say anything but yesterday I made it known to her that I noticed. This is reminding me of Nadine and her food problems. That's very scary. Emma is skinny enough as it is. I don't know what to do.

We exchanged presents. My mind went blank about the present that we all wrapped up yesterday and accidentally gave it to Amelia when it was for Emma. I felt really bad. I got a voucher from April, Emma and Amelia (for a bag which I need to pick myself) and a puzzle thing and another unwrapped one (which I'm sure is a USA travel guide) from Christine and Claudia.

After the meal we went to the markets but April, Emma and I soon went to a shopping centre to wait for the others. We are not very into wandering around stalls looking at things we won't buy. We sat in a food court and talked (mainly about me going to America).

We'll be probably having a New Year's Eve party at my house again. I don't mind. And most importantly my parents don't mind either.

WANTED: A Nice Surprise

Yesterday night, I was feeling emotional about not having a boyfriend so I messaged Max to ask him if he wanted to talk and maybe meet up some time in the near future to which he replied that he wasn't sure. So I asked him why he wasn't sure and when he will be because I didn't want to think that we'd meet soon when we never will. He still hasn't replied. Probably scared him off. I don't care. I'm sick of small talk that leads nowhere.

I'm generally sick of everything right now. Max has no right to start messaging me after months of not talking and then just cutting it off for no reason (that I know of). It drives me insane because I need to know where things are going and not be left hanging with question marks.

I went Christmas shopping with Nadine today. So that means that I saw her for the first time in 5 months. It sure didn't feel like it. Probably 'cause I don't need to see her more often since she depresses me. Although right now, everything depresses me. I depress myself. I'm bitter at everything. I was completely fine before Ben emailed him so technically it's his fault. And I would've been fine if he was older than me. So it's his parents fault that he was born a year after me. Yeah, I know I'm talking nonesense but that's how I feel. Nothing makes sense.

Nothing great has happened for ages. I need some nice surprise.

The Younger Guy

Ok, so Ben isn't just a few months younger. He's over a year younger. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Thanks to my net stalking, I mean research skills, I have found out his date of birth. He has a whole profile of himself on MSN and ICQ. I also found out that he's interested in religion. I'm not sure if he's interested in it theoretically or if he takes part in the process. If he does, I won't feel so bad for disliking him because of his age.

I talked to April about it and she said that I should stop being stupid and not discriminate against him on the basis that he's almost 13 months younger. She pointed out that the wedding that she's going to this Saturday, the bride is a year older than then groom and they are perfect for each other.

Why do I have to annoy myself so much. I even forgave Max his lack of tertiary education but I can't forgive Ben his age. Why did he have to be born a year after me?!!! This is driving me insane. It's so hard to change my life-long principles.

I feel like a divorced middle aged woman looking for a 2nd husband who has to question everything she believes her partner should be like.

Ben asked to meet up. At first I didn't know if I should but then April convinced me. She said that she would. I guess I have nothing to lose. He may have suitable older friends. I'm selfish, I know.

Do you think it's weird to go out with a guy who's younger?

Dear Reader,

Is the content of my blog more interesting now than it was when I started, worse or the same?

More Depressing Stuff (Feel Free To Skip)

Nadine called today. I couldn't help myself and asked her if she was still going out with Jack. She said she wasn't but that they are still good friends. Just yesterday he invited her to go with him to a musical (which she loves). That just made me sick and feel even worse after I found out that Ben was younger than me.

You know that if I didn't get into the high school that I went, I would've went to the same one as Ben?

Everything is just too depressing.

Will I Ever Learn?!

Why, oh why do I have to get my hopes up about a guy? When did my hope ever lead to anything apart from disappointment?!

Ben is younger than me. Although most people would not care, I do. It just feels so extremely wrong to like a younger guy, even if he's only a few months younger. I think it's got something to do with having a younger brother.

I feel like crying because it was so hard to make myself not care about ever being in a relationship and then having all these doors open to having a boyfriend (even if it's not him, but one of his friends) and then having all that hope crashed.

It's just NOT fair. My life sucks.

Will Not Get My Hopes Up

I haven't written for a while, although it doesn't really feel like it.

I went to an allergy doctor last week who told me I might have a reaction to natural chemicals found in healthy food. It's the weirdest thing. He basically told me I should cut down on fruits and vegetables! Any child would only dream of such a diet and I probably would too if I was younger. But it's really difficult since I snack a lot and it's not too good to snack on junk food. I'm supposed to only stay on this diet for a month. For now it doesn't seen to be helping.

Remember the guy to whom my Mum gave my phone number? Well, it turned out that she also gave him my email address. I only wish she'd told me because I almost thought his email was junk mail and deleted it. Maybe it's a sign that I should forget about him. Andrew thinks it's a sign that I shouldn't.

After I replied, he sent me a pic of himself. He looked like a mass murderer who escaped jail. I had to remind myself that at least he doesn't look like a girl (as in the case of Jesse).

It's so hard now to maintain my new attitude towards being single when it's so easy to get my hopes up with all these guys around. Yeah, I still keep in contact with Max. And I'm becoming friends with this guy at work, Cam. He's the first guy who I can genuinely say that I like only as a friend. I love being able to be completely myself with him and not get shy because I'm attracted to him or anything. Because I'm not, even though he's the first Asian guy who I think is cute. And smart. And funny. And totally religious which is why I would never go out with him. I'm thinking of introducing him to April.

I watched Bachelor 4 and Bachelorette yesterday. How could I not? First of all, I don't understand why anyone likes Bob. So he does have a bit of a sense of humour, so what? He is so up himself and self-centred and totally blasé as he proved to be at Ryan's bachelor party. Ryan, on the other hand is a sweetie. Yeah, he is a bit overly sensitive and emotional but that's ok. He is such a teddy bear and I want to give him a hug. I don't particularly like Trista but she might be a really nice person if I knew her better. I felt sorry for her sister. She was so human looking and stood out among model looking people.

Chewing Gum

I've heard that chewing gum a lot can really ruin your stomach. Is this true? Cause I chew gum all the time.

New Attitude Growing Strong Amidst Empty Hopes.

I love unexpected things, but only if they are good ones of course!

On Friday, my Mum was trying to be a TV show Mum by letting me know that I could tell her stuff about guys. I knew that already, but why would I want to?

Actually, it is nice to know that I could talk to her. It's just every time I do talk to her about my non-existent boyfriend situation, I just get all depressed.

It all started with me telling her my exciting USA trip plans and how after that I wanted to visit other places. But can I talk to Mum about the future without her turning it into my future family life? Of course not.

So she started saying how I shouldn't forget, to slot in between all my travels, to find a husband. I told her (as I usually do) that it's not something I can plan. And she said that it's exactly a plan, just because she found my Dad that way. I told her that there's no way that I'm asking acquaintances to introduce me to guys. That's just too embarrassing. So she had to use the example of her high school best friend who laughed at my Mum when she was asking people to introduce her to potential husbands and she ended up with an alcoholic and has a horrible life now.

I told her that it was just not that easy, especially for me, to find a guy that I would really like and she said that she doesn't mean to pressure me but it's just something I should think about because she doesn't want me to end up alone. I seriously felt like crying. As if I don't think about that almost 24/7 anyway! I'm freaking tired thinking about it.

So I decided that I don't care if I never get married and it's not so bad living alone. I'll still have my friends and work and hobbies. I will be able to do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it. It's actually a kind of a selfish lifestyle. Maybe I will adopt and help out a needy child to make my life less self-centred. Who knows. I managed to convince myself that it won't be so bad.

The next day, I went to work with my new attitude, not in my best mood but getting used to the idea. So instead of having a boring day where I can just get so involved in my routine that I wouldn't have to think about anything, a number of encounters had to happen to make it harder for me to see my future single life as enjoyable.

Encounter #1: During my break, another girl/lady/woman (whatever) was having her break at the same time. Somehow we got talking about going overseas and she said that she was going to POB (where I was born). That surprised me a bit because why would anyone want to go there, especially to the parts that she was going. So she told me how she grew up hanging out with people from POB. Where the hell did she find them? I'm from there and I don't hang around with POBian people simply because I don't know that many (apart from Nadine and a few others).

She then proceeded to tell me that there are a lot of POBians at work. No one I know. Her ex-boyfriend is one of them. She thought he was sitting behind us but then she said that he must've left so she started telling me what an idiot he was. But as soon as we were leaving, it turned out that he was sitting there so he must've heard us. Oops.

Anyway, she introduced us. I was so excited to be introduced to a POBian guy but he obviously wasn't so I didn't get a good first impression. Plus he looked too old for me anyway. But a thought came to my mind that she might introduce me to more POBian guys! I had to push that hope away because I know that hope only leads to disappointment.

Encounter #2: I was having a nice time chatting with my new work friends when an EXTREMELY hot guy customer asks me for help. Of course, I try not to act too differently to how I normally would just 'cause he's so good looking 'cause he didn't do anything to get his good genes. He asked me where all our expensive stuff was. After that, I thought, "Rich Snob". After I showed him stuff that's around $100, he told me it looked too tacky. Obviously the guy doesn't understand what really tacky things look like. I didn't hold it against him. I asked him what sort of thing was he looking for. He said that he needed to get a present for his Mum and he wanted to get something nice. "Rich Snob" label disappeared immediately and was replaced by "Mama's Boy". I showed some classy things which weren't too expensive and told him that he could just buy a lot of things and that would be expensive. That was my bad attempt at a joke but he laughed anyway. I then asked him what price range he was looking at. He said that it's not that he wants something specificly expensive, just something that 'looked' expensive. I could completely relate to his way of thought and removed all labels, apart from "Hot Guy" because I couldn't take that away from him.

He then asked me what my favourite thing was. I stupidly started babbling how I've been around all those things for so long that it all looked the same to me. Later, I thought that I should've just picked anything. Maybe he would've bought it for me. But that's just me getting carried away. He could've thought I had horrible taste.

Anyway, I gave him an idea that he could get her one of those personalised Christmas decorations and he said that he'd come tomorrow and get it ('cause the person that does them wasn't there at the time). Too bad I wasn't working on Sunday so I could see if he came or not.

I know he probably has a girlfriend or he's too old. (I can never tell whether a guy is 22 or 27.) Most importantly, I will never see him again.

Encounter #3: After work, I caught the train with some people from work, including Patrick. He probably doesn't have a tertiary education but he seems really nice and who am I to guess his education level. It was fun talking with him (and the others).

When I got home, I had to remind myself that those encounters are just false hopes and there's no point in wallowing in them, hoping that they are a glimpse of a more promising future.

Nothing Interesting (For You)

I haven't written for a while because I was very busy with work and stuff (i.e. did not feel like writing). I've been really enjoying my holidays (and why wouldn't I). No more assignments, just work but at least I get money for that. I have been getting quite a few shifts which I'm happy about because I really need money for my next year's trip to the US which is becoming more of a reality with each day.

I talked to Nadine yesterday and she was telling me about her US trip plans. (She's going in a month.) Although at first I was really disappointed that she decided to go with someone else, now I'm quite happy about it because we want to do completely different things there so we would've just got annoyed at each other. I really wanted to ask her if she was still going out with Jack but it didn't come up.

April came over yesterday so we could decide about our movie but of course as usual, when we have to think of something at right that moment, our minds go blank and when we have to go, we get lots of ideas. So when she went home, we had to talk on the phone anyway. Sometimes, it just seems pointless to want to have anything of ours to be produced for TV. Without a great (not just good) idea, we have nothing.

Well, we set ourselves goals to write 15 pages each week so we could at least finish our movie by the end of this year. Even if it's bad, at least we'll have something finished.

Imagination Frustration

I think I'm finally realising that April and I have about 1% chance of getting our TV show on TV. The most practical way (I can think of) to get into 'the business' is to make a short film and submit it into some competition and hopefully it will be well liked. Then enter as many competitions as possible in the hope of winning some. Then send a movie script to all studios in the hope that someone might notice it. Meanwhile try to get any job (volunteer even!) at some film set (even if it's some film that will never be big). Then and ONLY then will we have a bigger chance of getting our TV show produced. Another way is to try to make the TV show into a book series which hopefully will become popular and then create the TV show.

So the first step is to make a short film. April and I have been trying to think of a good one for months and we can't come up with ANYTHING that will have a chance of winning. I think our imaginations are declining with every day. The annoying thing is that we have overload of ideas for the TV show. Our creativity is going down the wrong channel.

The annoying thing is that even if we get to have our TV show on TV, it will probably be changed so much that it won't be ours anymore.

This is SO frustrating!

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
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What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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My Nice Work Day: Paradox

Work was fun today! I know, that's quite unusual.

I was told to look after 2 employees. It felt weird having women (40 and 20 years older) asking me what I wanted them to do. And they were overly nice, the way you are nice to managers. It felt so weird! But having a bossy nature, I couldn't help but enjoy every second of it!

April and Claudia came to visit me today and we had lunch together. That's always nice! It's nice of them to come out just to see me! Love them.

Then Jeremy (the gossipy team leader) was nice to me. Actually you won't believe what he told me last week (I think). He said that he always asks me to do stuff because he knows that I will do it well and 'cause I'm the most reliable. What an unexpected compliment! Of course he had to turn it into gossip by saying that the other casual, Tamara (who is a very nice girl) isn't reliable at all. I tried to defend her and say that he won't give her a chance but he just said that he'd rather just ask me. How would you feel if someone is being nice to you at the expense of saying bad stuff about another person?

Anyway, today he asked me how old I was, again. Is it that hard to remember?! He then asked if I drink. What do you think?! He then said, "You should come out with us sometime". Now, on one hand I'm happy he asked but knowing him, I started wondering that if he knew more about me, he'd have more to gossip about. I should've asked him, "Who's us?" but I didn't think of it at the time. I wouldn't mind going out with them to see what kind of people 'us' is but I've been told by one other girl to never go out with them (the last time he asked me) 'cause she made that mistake once. She said it in a joking way so I don't know what she meant. I don't even like Jeremy that much but I need to meet more people.

And you won't believe what happened when I was going home! I was waiting for the train when I heard Jeremy's voice. I checked and it was him with Patrick (the other guy who works with me and the one that I thought had boyfriend potential). They didn't see me and I didn't feel like running after them when the platform was so crowded. What are the chances of both of them living on the same train line as me?!

Stuffed Comments

My comments thing is SO stuffed! Does anyone know where I can get comments that work?

Relatable Quotes

I can not believe that I finished that assignment yesterday!!!

But now I have to study for an exam on Friday, ugh. I've studied some in the morning so now I'm taking a break.

Not much to report from here.

Chatted with April yesterday about the depressing reality of never getting married. We've started a collection of things that we can relate to about our problem. One of them is the new Robbie Williams's song "Something Beautiful". The lyrics go like this:

You can't manufacture a miracle
The silence was pitiful that day.
A love is getting too cynical
Passion's just physical these days
You analyze everyone you meet
But get no sign, love ain't kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind

If you can't wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way

The DJ said on the radio
Life should be stereo, each day
In the past you cast the unsuitable
Instead of some kind of beautiful, you just couldn't wait
All your friends think you're satisfied
But they can't see your soul no, no, no
Forgot the time feeling petrified, when they lived alone

How I can relate...

April sent me this quote from 'Friends':

Rachel
Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids...

Phoebe
Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.

Rachel
As I was saying... I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!

Phoebe
If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop.

Rachel
So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant.

Monica
Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.)
(To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!

Rachel
No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years...Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.

I love 'Friends'! Andrew taped that episode so I'm going to watch it.

Here are some more from "While You Were Sleeping":

- Or have you ever, like, seen somebody and you knew that if only that person really knew you, they would... Well, they would, of course, dump the perfect model that they were with and, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to just grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love somebody you haven't even talked to?

- Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan.

- Well, we've, we've never actually spoken. But I know someday we will. I know it.

- I just know it. And I know that someday I will find a way to introduce myself.

- And and then that's gonna be perfect. Just like my prince.

Omitting The Truth Or A Lie?

I feel like I'm lying to April about Max. Our little club that we created where we support each other about our guyless lives seems like a lie (on my behalf). If she had some guy friend that she felt weird or confused about and didn't mention anything, I'd feel betrayed. Yet I'm doing the exact same thing.

I don't know why I'm so secretive about him. I shouldn't feel embarrased about him but I do. It's partly because of the way I met him (or to be more accurate - didn't meet him) and partly that he has no tertiary education and has a mind-numbing job. Am I being narrow-minded and superficial or realistic?

Something Different

Guess what I did on Saturday night?

I've talked with Max on the phone for over 2 hours!!!

And the weird thing was that he talked for most of the time. After the first time I talked with him on the phone, he was so quiet that I felt really awkward and didn't think it was possible to talk to him for that long. I'm glad I decided to try talking with him on the phone again.

I can only talk on the phone for so long to my close friends so it was amazing that we talked for that much without me even realising.

I’m now 99.99% sure that he’s not a psycho killer after what he was talking about. And he’s one of those people that can make not very funny stories funny and not everyone can do that. My attempt at that yesterday made me wish I didn’t start telling him my story. It just sounded completely irrelevant.

And he talks as fast as me. I had to be fully alert to understand what he was saying.

Anyway, the whole thing was weird on one hand but so normal on the other.

I wonder what will happen next…

New Hobby

I've got a new hobby - downloading free piano sheets from the net. It's actually not completely new. I used to do this a while ago.

When I have lots of work, one of my procrastination ways is to play piano. I used to hate practising when my Mum made me do those piano grades but now it has a calming effect.

When I was studying for my end of high school exams, I used to play piano all the time and now I'm getting back to that phase again.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

Someone, please make me do my assignment!!! It was due yesterday and although I've been doing it since Monday, it doesn't seem anywhere near finished. I haven't been staying up though. I've given myself more work than was needed and now I'm paying for it. I really wanted to get this done well so I could put it into my portfolio but I'm starting to rush it so all the extra work at the beginning is wasted. Argh!!!

Yesterday, Max messaged me again and it got me thinking. Max would make such a good match for Nadine 'cause they both irritate me but I can't help but like being around them. And they are both of the same intellect level, both are sensitive and emotional, both like to party, both are a bit naive, both are very kind. Yet, I know that they would never go out together. They've talked with each other and didn't think much of the other.

And then there are Nadine's boyfriends (well, the last 2). They are so much more suited to me than to her and yet they like her, while Max likes me.

The world is mad. It's illogical and makes no sense. Absolutely crazy.

Anyway, back to my assignment.

Work Pains. Strangers. Travel.

I've neglected my blog for a while. There were just too many assignments to do while talking to April (on MSN). I can't do everything at once!

Anyway, I've had work today. I'm so sick of retail! How can people stand working all their lives in a shop? I guess some have no choice but still!

As I've realised, it's your work mates that make your work either bearable or impossible to withstand. I like this job's much better than the bookstore one but some of the people I don't particularly like. I don't think they know the meaning of being friendly. Every time I say or ask them (a few girls) something, they either ignore me or give me looks as if I killed someone. Not everyone there is like that though. Some are very nice but they weren't working today. And Jeremy is such a pest. He tries to be funny but he is just so immature and says the stupidest things. He irritates me so much. He tries to boss me around 'cause he's been there for longer and I have to do what he asks 'cause the managers listen to him and I don't want him to gossip to them about me (since gossiping to him is like breathing to everyone else). Argh!!!

April is not having such a good time at her store either since all the middle aged women there are really condescending which I can totally imagine. Now she knows how I felt when I worked at the bookstore.

I really need a proper job!

Well, enough about jobs. At least you get money for working (even if it's not much).

In other news, Max messaged me today. Don't know how I should feel about that. It's like I get the same message from him every few months :

Hey stranger. How you been? I've been busy with work and all.

God, grammatical mistakes irritate me! He is a little irritation in itself. (No grammatical errors here!)

After exchanging a couple of messages, he hasn't replied again so I'm guessing I won't hear from him for another few months.

Hey, did I tell you that my Mum gave some guy my number a few weeks back? Well, he hasn't called. Surprise, surprise.

April and I have decided that we have some curse that prevents us from getting boyfriends. We have analysed our situation to bits over and over again and have come to the conclusion that we might not ever get boyfriends.

It's so nice to be able to talk to her about it. Andrew doesn't have to hear my complaints as much anymore.

Christine visited me yesterday at work. That was a pleasant surprise. Jeremy kept looking my way suspiciously, as if he never talks to anyone. All he does all day is chat and gossip.

I should stop turning this entry into one about work since I've had enough of it.

I'll change the subject to something more pleasant, such as going to USA next year with Lauren! Just thinking about it gets me so excited! I've always wanted to go to America since so much revolves around it. I just absolutely can't wait! Does anyone have any travelling tips that might be useful?

Request/Suggestion

Just a little comment for bloggers who want their readers to enjoy their entries and actually read them: please don't write pages of words in one long paragraph in tiny font and clashing colours. It kills the eyes!

You know that internal jumpy feeling that you get when you go up in a lift and then it stops suddenly? I feel the same when Fabian is around. I wish he'd just evaporate into thin air.

Just out of curiousity, how many people, that started reading my blog in the first few month of its existence, still read it now?

The Long Awaited Planning

Lauren and I are now actively planning our trip to US. I couldn't be more excited! Especially that she doesn't care where we go and I love planning the itinerary! If anyone has been there, which places are not to be missed?

The Australian dollar has been rising. I wonder if I should exchange some money now, in case it will go down next year.

Sophia might be coming with us too which would be great!

I'm so excited about it since I've wanted to go for so extremely long! And it'll be even better than going with Nadine.

The Immature Gossiping Brat That I Have To Work With

Jeremy, the annoying gossiping 18 year old from work is so irritating to work with! And he works almost every day! (I asked.) He told me that I'm very defensive and you know what I said?!! I said, "No I'm not!". How stupid could I get! I should've added, "Just kidding" but as the nature of all good comebacks, I think of them too late.

He kept asking me to tell him a joke and I think just telling a joke for no reason is never that funny. He told me his (which I missed the beginning of but since I've heard of it before, I knew what it was about) and it wasn't funny at all. And after I told him that timing is really important for something to be funny, he said that delivery is more important which is ironic, cos his delivery wasn't good, and wasn't helped by a childish joke.

He also asked me what music I liked and when I said rock, he said, "But you're too quiet for a rock chick." What the hell?! Who said you have to be loud to like rock?

Anyway, he's such an immature little brat.

Darren, Delta and Amiel

Has anyone seen the ARIAs? Yes, that annual show that presents Australian music 'talent'. I've only watched it once, when Savage Garden took like 11 awards. I'm not really a fan of many Aussie bands. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of this year's show and who did I see but Darren Hayes singing Delta Goodrem's "Lost Without You". I know some people don't particularly like him but Savage Garden was my favourite band when it existed and I love Darren Hayes's voice so I was pleasantly surprised to see that he is still singing. And no matter what some people say, Delta Goodrem has an amazing voice too. I think she'd really suit Disney cartoon's songs 'cause it has some sort of magical quality to it.

It's very rare that a band/singer comes out that I just absolutely love, especially from Australia. Savage Garden was one of them. I would really like Delta if maybe I was a bit younger 'cause her songs don't have a lot of depth to them. Does anyone know if Amiel won anything? I really like her song "Obsession". She probably would win awards if Delta wasn't in the same categories. She picked a bad year for her songs. If I were her, I would be very annoyed.

Christine is online now. Amazing! She's usually out with her boyfriend on Saturday night. Come to think of it, she's out with him almost every night.