Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess.

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete.

- Backstreet Boys

What a surprise to hear a new Backstreet Boys song on the radio! It's so sad and dark and depressing and I absolultely love it. I don't think I can describe how in love I was with them when I was a teenager. I never seemed to get sick of their music. All the other boy bands were nothing in comparison.

As soon as I heard their new song, I remembered sitting on the floor in Nadine's bedroom when we were about 14 and making up stories about them being our boyfriends. Kevin was Nadine's hot boyfriend and Brian was my cute one. AJ was the sleazy guy who wanted to go out with Nadine (I think), Nick was my silly friend (who was secretly in love with me) and Howard we didn't like because he had a fish face (protruding eyes and lips). Making up these stories would entertain us for hours.

I used to be really squeamish and Nadine would purposely add dirty parts (using 'creative' vocabulary) so we'd end up laughing so much our stomachs would hurt and tears would be rolling from our eyes.

Sometimes I wish I could have those days back.

She's having a party in a few weeks to celebrate her graduation so I might go to that. Hopefully I'd be able to bring David along 'cause I don't want to be the only one not getting drunk.

My grandma told me how she had a really close childhood friend with whom she drifted apart in her 20s but they became inseparable again in their 40s till that woman's death (in her late 60s, I think). Maybe Nadine and I are going to be close again when we are 40 too.

The Same Old Blast From The Past

Was it unreasonable to think that when I got an SMS, it was from David?

It obviously was because it turned out to be from Max. I thought he had enough of me. Now that I have David to think about, I don't want him. You can't compare him to David. Why do I have the urge to reply? Should I?

I was forgetting about him so successfully lately and he has to go and appear again. It's like a bad addiction that's so hard to kick.

Conversations

Friday: on the phone
David: how was your day?
me (in my head): it just got a hell of a lot better!
me: good

Saturday: before going out
me: do I look ok?
Mum: why does it matter? It's only Claudia and April. They won't care.
me: I know.

Saturday: walking out of the cafe
Claudia: how do you know them?
me: I only know David
Claudia: how do you know him?
me: uni
Claudia: did he do your course?
me: no
Claudia: so how do you know him?
me: uni

That's what she gets for not telling me she had a boyfriend for 6 months. I'll tell her eventually. April told me she was already getting interrogated and she had to say she didn't know anything.

Saturday: after getting home
Mum: who came?
me: April and Claudia
Mum: anyone else?
me: Mike
Mum: So it was just you four?
me: yes...
Mum: just you, April, Claudia and Mike?
me [hate lying]: maybe... there might've been some others
Mum: who?
me: why are you asking me all these questions? I'm going to bed.
Mum: aren't I allowed to ask?
me: good night!

There's a part of me that wants to tell her about David which is why I'm not trying very hard to lie convincingly but I hold back from telling her straight out because I don't want her to make a big deal about it before it actually becomes a big deal, and in case it never will. If I knew for certain she would not ask me about him constantly, I'd tell her in a second.

Is it weird that I miss David already if I just saw him last night? Didn't get to talk to him much yesterday so I guess it's not too weird.

David and Friends

David and Friends

I love when things just work out.

At around 5pm BG3 hadn't let me know if he was coming or not so I decided he wasn't. That relaxed me and I got ready for a quiet night out with the girls.

Then half an hour before I was leaving, I received a message from David saying he'll be coming. So I got a little excited that I was going to see him. Who cared if Claudia and Christine would gossip later. I was happy I didn't have to wait till next week to talk to him.

When I got there and was leaving the car park, I heard someone honking and someone call my name so I turned around to see a car with April in the back seat and Claudia at the front. Hang on a second, I thought, if April was in the back seat and Claudia wasn't driving, that could only mean one thing. Mike was here too! Perfect. David would not be the only guy there. And I would not have to pretend that I didn't know Mike would not be coming.

I waited inside while they parked. Didn't see David there yet. When Mike, April and Claudia came, April's eyes were already communicating a million things to me - "Where's David?", "Mike is here!", "Is David's friend coming?". After I told Claudia and Mike that we were waiting for someone else and they stood a little apart from us talking, April and I decided to talk with our tongues instead. It's hard to describe how happy I felt to have April there. That warmth that fills you up when there's someone who's thinking the exact same things as you at the same time and is excited and anxious just like you. She's my long-lost twin (who's been found years ago). Of course, I could've just been so happy because two important parts of my life were about to be combined - my best friends and a guy (the guy).

Turned out David was already there. With his friend who I was a bit shocked to see. So was April. Her heart must've dropped thousands of feet. She later told me that when she saw the two of them and didn't know which one was David, she sincerely hoped for my sake that it was the normal looking one. I told her she should've hoped the other way around so she could get the normal one. But April doesn't think selfish thoughts immediately. I don't even know how to describe the other guy. At first I judged him by his looks (which turned out to be quite accurate). He looked like he was about to bark at someone. His face expression was in a continuous grunt. The fact that he wasn't too attractive (and I'm putting this in the mildest way possible) didn't help by his messy look (like he just got out of bed or jail) and a face expression that said "I hate you all, I don't want to be here". He also turned out to be the most dumbest guy I (or April) have ever met.

When I tried to be friendly and asked him what he did, he said that he thought going to uni was stupid and working was much better. He said it in a way that he thought would make us respect him. Very wrong move. Didn't he realise that everyone there valued education? For the next two hours, he barely said a word.

I tried not to leave April out when I was talking to David but it was hard. If I talked with April, I felt that I was leaving David out and when I was talking to David, April felt left out. And since it was pretty loud, it was hard to talk to both of them at the same time.

As I was sitting next to David, our knees touched a few times and I found out what people meant when they say there's chemistry between two people. I definitely felt it from my side. It's like there's a chemical reaction just by being close. (I'm sure everyone else in the world would have felt it by my age). Never felt that when I sat close to other guys. There was always something wrong with them - too immature, not intelligent enough, not funny enough, just not enough. It reminds me how much I wanted to feel something like that with Tim because he liked me but I just couldn't.

When I decided to pay some attention to April and turned to my other side, she wasn't there anymore. Then I saw her talking to Valerie's sister who turned out to be there with her friends. What a coincidence to see someone I knew while I was not just with girls. Since April didn't need me anymore, I just kept chatting with David. Even though I always thought that we were going to run out of things to say any time soon, we never did. There was always something to talk about. And it helps that he was quite cheeky so I could joke around with him. I know that some people just don't have it in them to be cheeky and teasing so I was glad he wasn't one of them. And he can be quite serious too which is a perfect combination so I could talk to him seriously too.

When I was talking with April, she told me that she was going overseas with her parents during the winter break for 3 weeks. I started to miss her already. Three weeks without talking to her is going to be too hard. She said I might have David as a boyfriend by then which made me realise that I'd rather talk to April for 3 weeks than David. That thought surprised me but I guess it shouldn't be so surprising because I can't talk to David like I can talk to April. How amazing would it be if I could find a guy that I could share the same emotional closeness as with April. But David will do for now.

After a couple of hours, we decided to go to a cafe that Claudia wanted to go. April came in my car so we could discuss everything. She told me that Mike was quite inquistive about who the two guys were and if I was going out with David. April said that Claudia didn't ask. Mike seemed to be the interested one. I didn't mind. Although at first I thought he was too insecure, I think he gained a lot more confidence when he started going out with Claudia and now is a really cool guy to hang out with. Much better than Evan. Would love to know how much Christine would regret not coming and seeing me bring two guys since she thinks April and I are completely lost cases when it comes to guys. And she would've been right before because we were.

At the cafe, David's friend decided to start talking and when he did we all wished he didn't. He started bragging about being selected for some gifted/talented class where he was really good at "Spot the Difference" and he demonstrated his abilities by listing the difference between two similar paintings hanging on the wall. April and I were just looking at each other, not believing this guy was serious. I looked at David but he was staring at the table, looking embarrassed. Will not judge him by his choice of friends. And his friends from last week were ok.

I wished I was sitting next to him but at least I had a better view of him from across the table. Then his friend decided to talk to him in Spanish which I thought was quite rude since no one else could understand. David was also pretty quiet the majority of the time. Wanted to ask him if he was ok but didn't want to attract attention. Hoped he wasn't too bored. I saw Mike talking to him but didn't hear what they were saying. How cool would it be if they could be friends?

After that Claudia and Mike decided to go and April wanted to go too since she had to work early today. David asked if I wanted to go to the City with them but I didn't want to drive there because parking would've been impossible and I really didn't want to have his repulsive friend there with us. I wouldn't be able to talk to David properly anyway with the other guy there. I would've went just with him.

As they were walking us (April and me) back to my car, the three of us were chatting, while his friend was walking behind us. This was one of the few times when I didn't make any effort to include the left out person. I just didn't want to be near him.

Listening to April and David talk made me realise how much they had in common, and how similar April was to me. Could he even tell the difference between us? April has the same sense of humour, the same hobbies, the same tastes, plus she does Law and likes The OC which he likes too. I must be the only person who doesn't love it. The only difference is that she's religious and doesn't like to go out as much and she's a little less hyper. He could easily go out with either one of us.

A few weeks ago, before I've met any of his friends, I was telling April that if I liked his friends better, I would go for it (which is very selfish, I know) but after meeting his friends, I realised that I don't want any of his friends. I just want him. I guess if he liked one of my friends more, I shouldn't be too offended since I thought selfishly before too.

Hopefully, next time we can just meet up alone.

Relief Is Here

He called :)

Anxiety has disappeared and relief has settled in.

He said he wasn't sure if he could come tomorrow but he'll let me know tomorrow. Like I care if he can, I'm just happy he called.

I wasn't going to tell him that my job ended but somehow it came out. He told me he failed one of his exams. It also just came out because I could tell he wasn't planning on telling me. So I wasn't too embarrassed about my unemployment.

Some of the things he was saying emphasised what I don't like about him but I chose to ignore them for now. Even with all his bad points, he still beats all the other guys I have ever met. So that's gotta count for something.

And he said "It was nice talking to you, Sky" twice. I love when guys say my name. Ok, I'm making a big deal out of little things again. Too bad my phone's battery went flat so when I called him back, I couldn't talk long (too expensive) so had to go.

Wonder if he'll end up coming tomorrow. I guess it won't make too much of a difference. A part of me doesn't want him to come because I don't want Claudia to know about him (or Christine who will undoubtedly find out from Claudia). But I do want to see him. I'll be happy either way because I know I'll see him eventually.

During our conversation he mentioned going out with different girls. I wonder if I'm just one of those girls he meets up with. It doesn't really bother me 'cause we are not going out or anything, but deep inside I want him to think that I'm more special than the others. I guess everyone wants to be seen as more special than others. Not just in the romantic sense, but with friends, with family, at work etc.

If he does come, I'm really interested in what April will think of him. If his friend comes, I guess we won't be able to hang out by ourselves afterwards. Oh well. I'm just happy that he called and I can stop going insane for a while.

POBian Song

"So how are things? It’s raining there, it’s a snowstorm here. Tell me, do you miss me?”

- another POBian song

Mind Control

"Without you, I live you."

- POBian song

Such short lines, yet so powerful. It's almost like me this week. Didn't see David at all, yet he' had taken over my life in my mind. This is really embarrassing but I missed my station a few days ago because I got distracted by my music and my thoughts. And today I almost missed it. If I missed it twice in one week, I would've had to check myself into a mental institution.

The Desperate Want

He hasn't replied.

This better not be a repeat of last year with Andrew.

As soon as I start to care whether a guy likes me or not, things just stop. Are my thoughts that powerful?

He:
- used to smoke
- thinks speeding is fun
- believes in God

Ok, I feel a bit better. Must resist writing all the good things.

I finished another chapter of my life today because it was my last day at my job. The feeling of unemployment started sinking in. I wish I could say that another chapter of my life was beginning (in regards to BG3) but I think that's ending too. Before it had even begun.

At least I get to see April and Claudia tomorrow so that should cheer me up.

I'm finding it really hard not to turn my thoughts into thoughts about David. Replaying Saturday in my mind entertained me for almost a week. I need new entertainment.

Keep thinking how before I would replay the meeting with BG (the original) and wonder what it would be like if Amy didn't turn up. What if she wasn't there, what if we got each other's numbers, what if... But with this one, there are no 'what ifs' because everything went the best it possibly could have. I remember that crucial moment when I said "See you later. Actually I'll probably never see you" and he asked for my email. Hope more than anything that my anxiety about seeing him again is for nothing and that next week I will have more memories of him to keep me distracted.

I keep getting too close to getting what I want, yet never actually get there. I need that cycle to stop.

Just A Bus Guy

If I look at how I've been for the last few days objectively, I think how pathetic I'm being. Making a huge deal out of every tiny thing. Deep inside, I love having a guy to make a huge deal about. I conveniently erased all the things I don't like about him from my mind. You'd think he was perfect from how I've been going on about him lately.

On Monday, there's a couple in the class before mine who I find hard not to stare at. The guy is this really cute South American and the girl is a not very attractive red-haired, yet the way the smile at each other is adorable. It reminds me of David and me. Not the adorable smiling but something else. It reminded me of how on Saturday when at the end of the night, BG3 leaned his head on the table so I had a nice view of his his short black hair. I was looking at his hair when I saw some strange girl watching me look at his hair. I wonder what she thought. I saw a lot of strangers look at us that night. I hope they weren't thinking "What's he doing with her?" Hopefully they were thinking, "They make such an adorable couple".

Just want to see him. I don't know how I can wait another week. It reminds me of those TV shows that build up romantic tension between two characters for way too long. I can see this being like that. Or a dream where I'm about to get a boyfriend but just before I do, I wake up to my cold reality. Think I might wake up soon.

Wish I could erase him from my mind so I can go back to being numb to being alone. Because I can just feel disappointment about to happen without anything ever happening.

Sometimes I think that just by thinking so obsessively about it, I'm driving him away.

I don't even know him. Gosh, I don't even like him that much.

Ok, I can't even convince myself that anymore.

Plan: See David On the Weekend

Since just calling him up so soon made me too nervous, I decided to invite him out with my friends which would be more casual.

Step 1: Organise

I asked April on Monday if she was free. She was. The plan could go on.

On Tuesday I called up Claudia and asked her if she wanted to come. She said she was going to Mike's house on Saturday night and couldn't come. I said to bring Mike along and all of a sudden she agreed and said she'll come. That got me quite annoyed that she would only come if he was coming. Does going out with someone make you inseparable? I told her I'd call her later with the details. But I needed Mike to come so David would not be the only guy there. So everything was going according to plan.

I called up Christine but as usual it was impossible to reach her. Sent her a message and she replied that she wouldn't have any money left after Friday. The excuse of students. I knew it too well, even though it felt weird to hear her say that now that I'm working full-time. Was a bit disappointed but it's ok, I only need April, Claudia and Mike to come. Oh and David, of course.

Step 2: Confirm and call David to invite him

I called up Claudia to let her know the time and place but she didn't pick up. I messaged her to confirm she was coming. She wouldn't reply. I got agitated that she changed her mind and I would not be able to call David, something I was looking forward to all day. As the time was ticking away and it was getting late, I went to bed upset that I didn't get an excuse to call David.

Step 3: Think of a new excuse or hope Claudia replies with good news

After going through a relatively short phase of deciding he'll think that I don't like him since I didn't call and it was definitely my turn, I decided that this wasn't over yet and that it was my ridiculous thinking (that's evolved from never having a boyfriend and getting too impatient). I decided I'd call him next week and organise to meet up the following weekend, and since it wouldn't be so soon after last time, we wouldn't need to use friends as an excuse. We could just meet alone. Which would be perfectly fine with me.

Just as I was about to write about how much Claudia had changed from a sweet, always wanting to please, innocent girl to the opposite, when she messaged saying that she'd be coming, by herself. So I had my excuse to call (since I decided I could tell him that I thought Mike would be coming if he would be wondering why he was the only guy there) and instead of running to the phone, I got nervous. Was it too soon to call? I decided it was too late 'cause what if he decided to go to sleep early like last time and I'd wake him up? Didn't want to do that again. So I took the easy way out and... didn't do anything.

Just kidding. I messaged him. And he hasn't replied which leads me to believe that he might've really been asleep. Or he's avoiding me. That's my annoying thinking which I will try to postpone for a few days.

If he can't come, I would be fine with that because I don't know if I want him to come with me, April, Claudia and no guys. I just wanted for my turn to invite him somewhere be over so it can be his turn to make the next move.

So now it's his turn. The weight is off me.

Wonder what will end up happening. I predict he won't come.

Who Reads My Blog

It's really nice to know what sort of people read my blog. Especially the one who put my blog through this. Nice.

While I'm on the subject of the type of people who read my blog, I have to write about a very special one. The one who thinks he almost fits my criteria for RG. Obviously he's a little over his head. The one who thinks my sense of humour involves the "Knock Knock" type of jokes. I only find jokes funny if they're said in the right context at the right time, not just out of nowhere, unless they are especially witty.

This guy said that he doesn't read my blog because he thinks I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Yet he asks me what I've been up to all the time. So since he thinks my blog isn't really me, I make up stories that he would think are more real. Like I told him that I was really a nanny who was writing a great novel in my spare time and that I got kicked out of my house when I was a teenager because I got pregnant. Maybe that would've sounded more realistic to him. And the weird thing is that I'm not 100% sure he didn't believe me.

The last time he asked me what I was up to, I said that I flew to the moon on Saturday and still had some jet lag on Sunday. He asked me if I really meant I was on drugs. If you maybe read my blog, you'd know how I feel about such things!

I really don't get this guy. He wants to email me because he said I sounded interesting (from my blog), yet he doesn't want to read it anymore. I think he still reads it though because I'm pretty sure I know his IP address, but I guess I could be wrong.

He seems like the really serious type because he thinks everything I say is serious so I find it really amusing to say random things.

We'll see if he actually reads my blog because maybe after this post he'll stop emailing me. Or he can pretend he hasn't read it. It'll be entertaining either way.

Unemployment - Holiday

This week is starting to feel like the last week of a school term - more relaxed, less work to do, can leave earlier.

Even though of course I'm a bit upset that I will be unemployed next week, but for some reason I'm not as sad about it as you would expect. I'm kinda excited. Excited not only about being able to sleep in past 6:30am but about where my life is going to go. What new people I'll meet at my next job (which is most likely going to be some administrative temp work again). Will I decide to take the risk and do the film course? Am I going to stick to graphic design or find a job in something else? Lack of certainty can be exciting.

Just hope that my unemployment period isn't going to be too long. Which I'm pretty sure it will be but I don't want to think about that now.

Had to show the woman who's taking over my job how to use the program that she needs to know in order to design pictures. I gave her a basic overview and was about to leave her to it when she said, "But how do I make it look good?!". Now that was something I couldn't teach her. My manager later told her that maybe she should watch how I design stuff. I wanted to yell, "How about you just let me continue doing my job and she can do the other part of her role?!" Really have no idea how she's going to cope. She has never done graphic design in her life. And it's something you need practice in. I don't even want to remember the work I did when I started uni.

All day I was working like a robot. My fingers were doing one thing and my mind was completely somewhere else. Just remembering Saturday night was enough to get me through the day in front of the computer. Tried not to smile which was hard.

Yesterday when Andy and I went to our dance class and I was sitting on the train, he said to me "You look like you're trying not to smile". And the best thing is that he's actually interested in hearing me talk about BG3. He was telling me about the girl he's getting close with at uni. (He's quick.) I haven't decided yet if I like her or not. He said to me that it's weird how he always wanted a South American girlfriend and I always wanted a European one and it might turn out the other way around.

Also, was thinking how good it was that I started taking salsa classed because they really came in handy on Saturday. Who would've ever thought? Don't even want to think if I didn't even know the basics.

BG3 Improves Mood

Can't get him out of my head all day. Just keep seeing him in my mind.

Must repeat: crushes are bad. VERY bad.

Today, I had to go and pick up my grandparents because they were going to have lunch with us to celebrate Mother's Day. When I picked them up, I gave them a bag of some stuff and when we got to my house, it turned out my grandpa left it in the front yard while he was talking to the neighbour, so had to go back there and when we got to his house, the bag wasn't there. My grandpa got so grumpy and started saying that he wasn't in the mood to go back to our house. And usually his grumpiness would've irritated me but not today. All I had to do was think of David and nothing could ruin my mood.

POBian song

"I love him because he loves me."
- POBian song

Who's That Hot Guy?

Why is it that the later I go to bed, the easier I find to wake up early?

Got home after 3am today. Still a bit on a high.

Yesterday I realised that I do really care if this guy likes me or not because the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Or maybe I was just too impressed by his professional dancing abilities. Felt like an idiot trying to do my beginner salsa moves with him. Couldn't remember a thing. He didn't seem to mind and was twirling and spinning me all over the place.

Then when we went to another dance floor that had the usual music, I realised that I was so used to dancing by myself in a circle of friends all the time that I had no idea how to dance to club music with a guy. Another embarrassing thing to add my list. But it was better after I got used to it. A lot easier since there are no specific steps like in the previous one. Plus, we started doing silly moves and so the people we were with decided to pretend they didn't know us. I didn't blame them. We were being ridiculous. But having so much fun.

Also, I don't know how I didn't notice this before, but David is hot. He got a haircut and looked so much younger. And he was the hottest guy on the dance floor. I'm still puzzled how I could've missed that little detail.

His friends were totally cool too and I got along with them straight away. Whenever someone asked how we knew each other, I would just say uni (because I was paranoid one of them read my blog) but then David would add the "we met at a bus stop" bit.

David and I were also talking about how lots of people from uni that we know don't like to go out because they are always studying and we both agreed that there needs to be a balance between studying and having fun because these people will regret later that they wasted these years behind books. Finally someone agrees that studying is important but not everything.

Apparently he also got an award for coming first in a college course he did before uni. Intelligence is so attractive. Also it was good to hear that he was ambitious and had a career plan. It was like music to my ears. None of his friends that we were with had tertiary education but it was really important to him because he wanted to reach the top of his career.

Turned out he's really social too. The place we went to, he kept meeting people he knew every 20 minutes. But I guess you have to be social to meet someone (me) at a bus stop. He makes friends wherever he goes, yet he's not too loud and boisterous. He just has a really good attitude - 'enjoy life' type of thing.

Really must not start getting my hopes up because that's what ruins everything.

Thoughts on a Cold Morning

More from POBian radio:
"Too bad we had a fight because I was going to spend the weekend with you."

I don't know why lines like that really stand out to me but they do. They seem so genuine and full of heart, yet so practical.

I'm meeting BG3 tonight and his friends. I feel better knowing that we're going to be doing something I really enjoy. I'll be more relaxed. Hope his friends are not too intimidating. Must find something to wear. Something that looks like it's the first thing I picked out of my wardrobe but looks great. I love these sorts of problems.

Very soon I will have a different problem (the bad kind) - searching for another job. Next week will be my last at my job. Really don't know how they're going to cope without me because they already don't have enough time to do everything, even with me there. On Friday I came to work and my manager got me to do his presentation posters for him while he was getting ready to leave. When would he have done it if I wasn't there? Especially considering he was at work the whole previous night preparing his presentation.

Don't know how I'm going to find a better job. This one was quite fun and had a lot of variety, even though the facilities were really bad and since 90% of people smoked, the office always smelt of the disgusting fumes.

Can't wait till the dancing class. It was so cool to start level 2 last week. I saw the beginner's class 'cause Andy and I came a bit early and that class had twice as many people as our very first class. And there were only about 10% of girls without partners. Lucky. Although my class had twice as many guys as girls which was really great. Even the instructors were suprised.

It's funny how last year, I thought I was under some curse that would not let me go to any dance class and now I'm going regularly and even finished the first level. And it's the best mood booster. Even though I get tired right after work and don't feel like going anywhere, when I get there my energy just bursts. I end up wishing it was longer.

My heart is so tired without love

"My heart is so tired without love"

- POBian singer

Need For Validation

None of the managers are going to be at work tomorrow. I'm so tempted to come late and leave early. But I'm worried that since my manager is going to be there in the morning and in the afternoon, I will not be able to guess when.

Today I got complimented on one of the ads that I've done. My manager only told me such things when I just started and haven't commented on my work since. Then, today he specifically came up to tell me how much he (and the other manager) liked something I did. You can imagine how good I felt. And I'm one of those people who needs to be affirmed that my work is liked. If that validation stops, I start to think that maybe I've stopped producing good results. And since my line of work is so based on taste and opinion, I can't be confident that just because I like what I did, that others will too.

At uni everyone would always ask others their opinion while they were working so we'd know we were on the right track. At work, you're expected to do all this independently. I miss having that constant communication about what everyone was working on.

I miss uni. I know I've said that a lot but I just can't get over my uni days. And they weren't even that perfect. I guess I just miss those constant breaks where we would all sit at the cafeteria and talk for hours. Or even in class when we were supposed to be doing work, we'd chat and laugh about everything. I remember I used to think, "if only I liked these people more" but now I miss talking to them so much and would love to have those days back. I'm getting emotional just writing about it.

My Graduation

I don't think I ever talked about my graduation. It seems like it was forever ago. And in some ways it was.

I met up with Amelia and Claudia beforehand so they ended up coming to get my gown. The other students were all there with their parents but I told my parents to come when the actual ceremony started. Amelia and Claudia acted like my parents. They held my stuff while I was fitted into my graduation wear and Amelia even squeled and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Our little Sky is graduating! I'm so proud of you!" All the guys from my course who were lined up behind me stopped talking to stare. Even though I was a bit embarrased, inside I felt so happy that my closest friends were there with me. Friends who saw me growing up. Almost like family.

Since my Mum was supposed to bring the camera and she wasn't there yet, Claudia took photos of me everywhere. She said she wanted them for herself. So sweet.

Even though my family wasn't there, my friends definitely made up for it. No one else's friends were there so I felt quite special.

My parents came later. My brother didn't which got me upset. He said he had a lecture but when I asked him later if he could've skipped it and that he was the only sibling who wasn't there, he said that he didn't realise it was so important because he didn't go to my school graduation. Can't be too hurt because of his childish naivite. When he realised the importance of it, he kept apologising and even skipped his meeting with his friends to play soccer to wait with me at uni (while I was waiting for Sally). I just can't stay mad at Andy.

After the ceremony, when I was chatting with my uni friends, Sam came up and gave me (and the others) a kiss on the cheek. Then I saw my parents. I wonder if they saw. They think I don't talk to guys at all. When I was going back to return my gown and my parents were walking behind me, I saw Bill walking towards me and he asked if I was coming to dinner later with them. I said I was. Then a few minutes later, I saw Fabian and as he walked by, he tapped me on my shoulder and said, "Congratulations" with his usual smirk (or was that a genuine smile?) After that, my Mum caught up to me and said, "You said there are no normal guys in your course! You didn't even pay attention to them! What was wrong with that one?!". I didn't want to start. Fabian, out of all people! Honestly! Sure he looks impressive, but that's it. Although... honestly, I think I might miss his attention. A bit. Might. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm even saying that. Who would've thought. I'm sure I don't mean it.

After the ceremony, I waited with Andy for a bit. That was odd to meet my brother at uni but pretty cool. Then, after waiting in the library for an hour by myself because I had nothing else to do, I met up with Sally and we chatted for about an hour until we got kicked out of the cafeteria because it was closing. We got to the cafe where we were supposed to meet the others. We were discussing our plans to go to another state in a month or so together. Can't wait. Especially that I haven't been there which is a bit of an embarrassment.

Lilly was already at the cafe. It's weird that she's the most talented one out of all of us but is one of the few who didn't get a job. I think she just hasn't been really trying. It was so great to catch up with her. After waiting for almost an hour for the others, came about 15 guys so it was just us 3 girls and the guys. I was wondering why I wasn't interested in any of them. The girls came 40 minutes later. It was so great to hang out with everyone.

Would've been nice to have a boyfriend to have at my graduation but then again, it would be nice to have a boyfriend to have anywhere.

Tired

Feel weird talking to April about BG3 already. I called her tonight 'cause she messaged me in the morning to let her know what's happening on the weekend. When I called and told her, she got really abrupt and said she had to go and study. I felt a bit offended when she cut me off like that. I'm sure that it was just that she had lots of uni work and was distracted by that. But somehow it felt like she didn't want to listen anymore. I'm probably just being too sensitive. Got too used to having her always there to listen. The only person I could tell all the details to without being embarrassed. So it felt odd when she didn't want to anymore.

Called David afterwards 'cause had to ask him if he could pick me up from another place but when I called, it turned out he was asleep 'cause he wanted to wake up at 2:30am tomorrow to study. Who does that?! Everyone else I know usually stays up till 2:30am and then goes to sleep.

I'm so tired, I should go to sleep.

Too Far

BG3 called on Sunday. And I wasn't even expecting it. I thought he was going to continue the tradition of only calling on Tuesdays. But it's ok, I've forgiven him.

He said he wasn't sure what he and his friends were doing on Saturday anymore because his friends like to decide at the last minute and he wasn't even sure if they would be free. He suggested to meet beforehand and then meet them later. Totally fine with me.

When I tried to get him to meet in the City because that's about the middle for both of us, he said that the others would go out around his area. I got a bit annoyed that he couldn't get his 2 friends (who he wasn't even certain were coming) to come to the City. But then he started saying that it wasn't just those 2 friends. There's apparently a large group full of couples and he can't make them all go to the City. That got me so confused because at the beginning he said only the 2 guy friends were coming. Must be the language barrier.

When he asked if I could come and I said that I can, as long as I can get there, he told me not to worry and that he would drive me home, even though it would take him an hour. I hate to be such an inconvenience. Told him to just drop me off at a train station and he started laughing and said not to worry, he'll get used to it. Now, is it just the language problem again or did he mean he's planning on driving me many times in the future?

I hate relying on people for transport. He said there'd be no way to get home, other than taxi, at 3 am anyway. Didn't realise they were planning on staying out till then. If I was in the City, I'd be fine with catching a bus 'cause I've done that many times but there weren't be any buses in his area.

Don't feel too comfortable going by myself somewhere I don't really know with a guy I barely know and relying on him to get home. But I'm going.

When I said that my friend (April) only finishes work at 6 (the time we were planning on meeting) and if we should meet later, after a silent pause, he said "This is getting complicated... Don't worry about your friends. There'll be plenty of people. Just come yourself."

Hmm.

So April won't be able to come. And she was really looking forward to it. Makes me think of karma doing its rounds for all the times she cancelled on me.

Felt my own karma too when he thought graphic design was below his sister's abilities. Maybe that's how people who don't/didn't go to uni feel when I act condescendingly about it. Not that he said it in that way but when he was saying how his sister liked to draw/paint and I jokingly said that maybe she could be a graphic designer too, he quickly said, "No, she's going to be a lawyer" like he was deciding her future.

He was telling me how noisy his neighbours were 'cause they always had parties till early hours in the morning. And I could so relate, until he said "I wish they'd invite me. It looks like so much fun!"

In other news, my manager told me I only have 2 weeks left. I'm glad I got to make the most of this job. And I'm happy it went for longer than the planned 1 month. Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm thinking: check out all the film courses info again, apply to graphic design jobs anyway and call the temp agency for some temp work. Basically, everything at the same time and see what comes first.

The Perfect Store

Went shopping today. I love not having to save up for anything and working full-time. If I really want something, but don't really need it, I can still get it. Because what other reason is there to work if you can't spend what you earn? Of course I don't mean that you have to spend everything you earn but there's less of a need to be extra cautious about what you spend your money on.

Although I associate spending money on (almost) useless things with women who try to compensate for the missing parts of their lives with material things. How sad. Wish I could go and shop for a boyfriend.

The Boyfriend Store
salesperson: can I help you?
me: well, do you have any really intelligent funny ones?
salesperson: we actually have those in that corner over there. They seem to be very popular and selling fast.
me: I understand. Do you have any left?
salesperson: let's go and have a look.
me: what are those, falling out of the storeroom?
salesperson: the returned ones. We're told they're beyond repair.
[in a hushed voice] They don't even want to be fixed.
me: *gasp*
salesperson: that one even came with a free bonus
me: "Drinking problem included". How generous!
salesperson: we like to do what we can.
Are you getting one for yourself or someone special?
me: someone special for myself! I've had enough of giving others presents. They're never grateful.
salesperson: tell me about it! It's so hard to please anyone these days. Mother's Day is coming up and we still get unsatisfied mothers from last year. They say we ruined their lives. Doesn't the thought count for anything?
me: obviously not these days.
salesperson: so here we are...
me: ooo, I like that one!
salesperson: yeah, he's cute. Would you like to have a look?
me: can we actually open the box?
salesperson: of course! You can try him on in the fitting rooms to see if he suits you
me: great!
boyfriend: Sky, I've been waiting for you all my life
me: awwww... I'll take him!
salesperson: the 5 year warranty is included. If he breaks your heart, just bring him in and we'll give you a replacement of your choice, free of charge.
me: perfect
salesperson: how would you like to pay?
boyfriend: please, let me. I insist.

Ah, if only it was that simple.

A Different Look At Romance

I was listening to POBian radio online and some guy sent in a message for his girlfriend.

"When you see stray dogs or get cold, you press yourself closer to me but I enjoy it. And I love that it's mutual."

Don't think I'd ever hear something like that on Australian radio. There was something so raw and romantic in this almost childish observation, I can't get it out of my head.

Subconscious Talking

I dreamt that I met Max and he brought his girlfriend. She was blonde, short and kinda chubby with a friendly smile and not perfect looking but gentle. We met in some field that had his house on one side where there was a party going on. He looked really good. And smart. At first I thought it was his sister but then I saw that he was holding hands with her as he was coming towards me. He introduced us. Then some of his friends started coming to his party and as they walked past us, I realised his friends were the smokers from my tour in America. He was about to introduce me as his net friend but I gave him a look to stop the introduction. He looked at me weirdly. I asked how they met (he and his girlfriend). He said they met at a guitar class.

I kept thinking that at least David will have a uni degree but it didn't really help because Max looked so intelligent.

After a bit of an awkward chat we said final good-byes and parted.

What a strange dream to have.

He still hasn't replied to my email. I talked a lot about my wonderful job and graduating from uni. I wonder if he thought it was a way for me to put him down that he didn't go to uni or didn't have an intellectually challenging job. Although that wasn't my intent at all, I could see that it might've looked like that to him. But when I sent it I thought that if he got offended by it, it was because he had issues with it, not me.

Anyway, it's not like I'm still hung up on him. It's just that I'm so used to him being a ghost in my life that it will probably take time for him to completely disappear from my thoughts.

Tired of Nothing

It's weird that the less I do the more tired I get. All day I've been in a state of blurriness. I guess it could be my sore throat and a coming on of a cold but it's most likely that I haven't been doing anything productive or out.

I wanted to catch up on all my library books so I could finish them soon but even though some of them are very good, my eyes were just closing.

I had a nap during the day which is such an old person thing to do. When I woke up, I still felt fazed out.

Ran out of my homoepathic medicine and the clinic didn't have any more in stock so I have to wait a few days without it. Such a relief that I have a reason not to take it.

Craved chocolate and fresh bread all day. I wonder why I never hear of guys ever craving anything specific. It's usually just females.

Watched my tape of Desperate Housewives again. It was weird to see the actor who played the nanny because I remember when she was on Party of Five as a child. She was Claudia's first real friend, who introduced her to smoking and then turned out to have an abusive stepfather and when Claudia told Charlie (the guy who's on Lost now), he took her out of her home. Don't remember what happened to her in the end. But it's cool in a way to see an actor grow up through different shows. Plus, she played on The Practice.

I ended up calling Veronica on Thursday. She's having the absolutely best time at her new job. I wish she stayed at my job longer.

Yesterday I got to do something fun at work which was great. I got access to some production companies film notes and press releases because I had to write a movie synopsis for one that I had to design a promotion for. Did not feel like work at all. Wish every day was like that. It made me more determined to get into the film/television industry. Will wait till this job ends to figure out my next step.

I read my journal that I kept when I was in America. It brought back so many wonderful memories. It feels like it's been a lifetime ago. I know I never ended up writing about the end of my trip. Maybe I will later. Only to relive the experience.

English Genius

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The Scariest in Life

Can't help but think that this time last week, I was enjoying myself with BG3. Maybe this time next week, I will be doing the same.

Although yesterday after my 'church experience', it became too clear that I could never have a serious relationship with him since he believes in God. I guess I could ignore that bit for now. I think I can ignore most things.

After the church concert last night, April and I almost got hit by a car while we were crossing the road (on green light!). The car swirled around from the corner, not even slowing down and hitting April's bag which totally freaked me out 'cause I thought it hit her side. I automatically (and stupidly) stretched out my arm to push the car back from her and ended up twisting it a bit.

My Dad later asked if I got the car's number plate but I was too shaken up to think of that. All I could think was if April was ok 'cause after I heard the sound of the car hitting April's bag (and I didn't realise it was just the bag), and she stumbled backwards, I thought she was going to fall over and that totally scared me because I would not be able to deal if anything had happened to April.

Last night I saw a girl who used to go to my school and she told us that one of my favourite teacher's son died in an accident while working for the army. Couldn't stop thinking about it because I remember how she used to tell us about being against him working in the army. Her daughter also did ODV with me when I was at uni so it's scary to think of what they must be going through.

Then, the singer from yesterday also said how one of his closest friends died when he was 22. I guess in this sense, religion would be comforting but since I don't believe there's another life after death, it scares me more than anything in life.

The Brainwasher

I should've known that going to a concert at a church was not such a great idea. (Especially since I could've been out bowling with David and his friends which April so kindly reminded me of.)

It was so silly and naive of me to think that just because Ellen (who knows I'm not religious) invited me to see some musician at her church, it didn't mean he was going to be singing Christian songs.

When April and I got there, we sat apart from the rest of the people because we wanted to have a private conversation about things that we usually talk about. However, Ellen decided that it was a great time to get all her church friends to come and make us feel welcome. Everyone was so friendly and nice, I decided not to tell them to go away and let me and April entertain ourselves. Not sure how many times I went through the standard introductory chit-chat. Was very glad I had a job and could flaunt it around.

"Oh, I do graphic design at [company]"
"Wow! Isn't that really hard to get into?"
"Yeah, but you know, I was lucky."

I think April enjoyed saying that she did Law but for some strange reason people didn't look as impressed as others usually did.

"Oh you do Law? Oh my God, graphic design, that's so cool!"

Even though the singer had a nice voice and I liked his tunes, I absolutely couldn't take his lyrics. Other than all the parts about Jesus dying for us, personally, what really angered me was when he said, "People say that innocent people died during the 9/11 attacks. Innocent of what? Maybe murder but were they really innocent? Jesus was truly innocent and it was a real tragedy when he died because he was the only one who was pure."

Excuse me while I go and throw up.

I felt sick listening to what he had to say. He was retelling stories from the Bible as if he was there. And he said that he was there which really made me pity him even more.

Also got agitated when he said that the best way to live was to extreme. That is the absolute worst way to be. It's the extreme people who cause all the problems. There needs to be balance.
Decided that I hate the word 'worship' because to me that implies not thinking for yourself and just following someone else entirely. So stupid.

And he was talking about God as if he was a person who he knew personally. When people personalise ideas and make them human, it just makes it more certain that they are not real.

I felt pity and anger and frustration tied together while I was sitting there watching everyone pay attention to what he was saying.

I feel the world would be a better place without religion. It's like one huge brain-washing cult that took over so much of the population.

The Anti-Social Work Life

There's a new guy at work who catches the same train as me to work. I'm so happy that now I'll have someone to talk to on the way to work.

Little things like that make me so excited now.

Work is too anti-social for my liking. I basically sit in front of my computer for most of my day, and only talk to other people about work.

I really should call Veronica. I keep putting it off. Not sure why.

The Cleaner

Last week I met one of the cleaners at work. I met her in the toilet (which is truly horrible). She thought I was someone else. I thought she just came out of jail.

Last week when I was heating up my lunch in the most disgusting kitchen in a really dirty microwave with the warehouse workers all around me, this cleaner came in and angrily shouted, "No one better make a mess after I cleaned up! Everyone OUT! I said out, OUT!"

I tried to make myself invisible since my lunch was still in the microwave and I just couldn't leave it there. She then came up to me and quietly said, "Don't worry, I don't mean you".

Now, every time I see her, she's so friendly to me and looks happy to see me.

I'm scared.

Very scared.

I'm Not A One-Time Wonder

He called he called he called!

We talked. I said, "Pardon?" more times that I think I have ever before. I'm sure his English will improve eventually.

We're meeting in 2 weeks. I can't this Friday. He can't this Saturday and he said Sunday is his study day.

Like it matters. We're meeting and that's the only thing I care about.

Work tomorrow should be fun :)

Judgement Day

Today would be the first day that would be a good time for David to call. I think that since I'm so anxious for my phone to ring, it will not. That's just a life law. The more you wait for something, the less likely it's going to occur.

Tomorrow I can start counting down how much time there's left for him to call, because by the time this week ends, I can be sure I won't see him again.

I hate my guy-obsessive nature. I should go and call Veronica or something to see how her new job is going. It would be a waste to lose contact with her. But of course, I have to think in my stupid way: what if I make plans to meet her and David calls and there won't be a convenient time for both of us to meet?

Doing this is almost like making him not call.

I spent all day at work thinking about scenarios with him in them to make my day more enjoyable. I won't be able to do that anymore if he doesn't call.

And no, I'm not calling him. I did that last week. It's his turn.

You know, he said that I didn't look South American during daytime. That's like saying that I only look pretty in the dark when he can't really see me. And I'm sure he got put off by the fact that I never had proper relationships.

I think I'll just make myself think the worst so the disappointment doesn't hit so hard. What happened to my non-caring if I see him again? Where did that feeling go?

Miss Uni So Much

I finished my beginner dance class! I'm looking forward to the next level, especially since Andy agreed to come with me. Might make him practise with me so I can impress David.

Oh, what am I even talking about. I might never even see David again. Silly me, getting carried away again.

So don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Can't believe how much I miss uni life. Well, actually I can. I remember I looked forward to going to uni, it was almost like going out 'cause it was so social. I did all the work at home.

Maybe David can call tomorrow and make me feel better?

I wish.

Graffiti

"You asked what was more important to me, you or my life. I told you, 'My life' and you walked away, not knowing that YOU WERE MY LIFE!"

- anonymous, back of a train seat

Mum's Views Change

Mum: how come Claudia was so late yesterday?
me: her boyfriend slept over and she didn't want to wake him up in the morning even though he was supposed to give her a lift.
Mum: Claudia has a boyfriend?!
me: yeah, for over 6 months now
Mum: really?! So it's just you and April left without boyfriends.
me: and Amelia
Mum: it's your and April's turn to get boyfriends now.
me: yeah
Mum: is Claudia's boyfriend Asian?
me: no
Mum: it's funny how Claudia and Christine both have white boyfriends. Maybe you and April will have dark ones.
me: what do you mean by dark?
Mum: Asian
me: what about dark from other countries?
Mum: like?
me: what country do you want?
Mum: Actually your boyfriend should be dark
[because my ethnic background has predominatly dark people, even though we have caucasian shaped features, but you would never think I had that background because I'm fair]
me: and what if he was Asian?
Mum: oh, I don't care anymore. As long as you're happy.

I was so surprised by her saying that 'cause I know she wants me to marry someone from the same background as me. She really changed. Probably because she thnks I'm a lost cause and she'd be happy if I had anyone.

Sharing - Betrayal?

Last night, April called me after she got back home. We talked till 1am about Saturday. I was wondering if I was betraying David by telling everything to April. I tried to excuse this by saying that it's not like he's my boyfriend or that I told everyone about it, just her. And some to my brother, but not all. The two people I tell everything to. I made myself feel better by thinking that I wouldn't mind if he told his closest friend/sister everything about me.

Even though it seems like I wrote everything about him here, I haven't written the personal things he told me. So it's not that bad, right?

I don't think I can totally convince myself of this. Yet I find it so hard to keep all my thoughts to myself. I felt such relief after sharing with April. It would be cool if my boyfriend was my best friend so I'd just discuss everything with him and won't have to the need to tell others.

Is there someone in your life that you tell everything to?

David: The Good And The Bad

April and Claudia left. Only got to tell April bits of what happened yesterday while Claudia was in the toilet or in the kitchen. I wonder if she heard anything. Didn't get to tell April about anything bad so she must think it went perfectly.

Every time I think of yesterday, I either remember the bad things about him and get instantly put off or the good things and get a crush on him. And I can never remember the good and the bad at the same time. There were a couple of times when I forgot what I didn't like about him.

Will write a list.

Bad
- used to smoke
- believes in God
- thinks speeding is fun
- got drunk
- used to not care about studying
- used to be close minded
- does not want to settle down
- likes danger
- too patriotic

Good
- likes dancing
- has the exact same music taste as me
- deep
- smart
- gets along with his sister
- knows when I'm joking
- has a sense of humour
- has close friends
- open
- gives me butterflies in my stomach when he's close
- older
- studies hard
- confident
- admits to being a show-off (self-awareness of bad characteristics erases them)
- social
- talkative but a good listener
- attentive
- enthusiastic
- likes adventure and travel
- friendly

So the good things outnumber the bad but some of the bad are pretty bad in my mind. I think it might be impossible to find guys who don't believe in God and don't have any faith. And that's something so important to me. Religion always ruins everything.

And the major point for one of the categories is either:
The Bad: He doesn't like me
The Good: He likes me

For now though, if he likes me, I don't care about the bad things. He would definitely do for a first boyfriend or even just a good friend. Someone to hang out with.

More Afterthoughts

I went to sleep at 10 o'clock last night which is so way too early for me but I was tired. Then today, I woke up before it got light, must've been about 5am, if not earlier. I can't believe I'm awake so early.

Today, April and Claudia are coming over so it's going to be a nice and relaxing fun day. I called April last night to tell her about my day but she was out and when she got back, I was already asleep so I'll have to wait even longer to tell her about David, since I can't say all the details in front of Claudia. And April and I are still not totally over Claudia not telling us she was going out with her boyfriend for over 6 months. I mean, we're supposed to be her closest friends. So I'm not in a completely sharing mood with her at the moment.

Fortunately I got to tell Andy about yesterday so that was cool. He thinks every guy I tell him about is great. And he always wanted to go to South America but the friend he was going with changed his mind so he thinks he can go with David. I told him it's not happening 'cause David isn't planning on going back there. I told Andy he took me to his favourite place and Andy said, "That was quick!" but I thought, it's not like it's his secret favourite place. If it's his favourite, why not go there? If anything works out with him, it might be my favourite place too.

Really hope I get to see him again. The good thing about knowing there's no real future with him is that there're less expectations. Like, it really doesn't bother me that he thinks marriage is committing suicide because I would never marry him. Although honestly I didn't really believe him when he said it. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself because his friends back home were getting married and settling down. It's normal there to get married in early 20s, like in POB. And you know what, I didn't even bring up that topic in the first place.

It's weird that yesterday, I didn't really think I'd even be thinking about him that much, but now I can't help it.

Afterthoughts

Did I ever say that I love when guys have laughter in their eyes? It makes them 10 times more attractive.

David had laughing eyes.

Oh and I found out he's 22, almost 23. His birthday is one day less than 2 months after mine.

And he said he respected me for feeling strong about not drinking for the sake of it or smoking. No one ever said they respected me for that.

When we were together, I never really felt it was surreal, like my 'date' with Andrew. It felt really normal and wasn't awkward at all, like I expected. I did not have a goofy grin on my face like last time. I think I was more natural. When he was driving me back to the station and I was quiet, he asked me a few times if I was ok. I guess the silence wasn't that comfortable for him. I was fine, just listening to his music and watching the sun set all around me.

The more I think about today, the more I want for this not to be a one-time thing, like last time.

David's and My Day Out

I spent almost 6 hours talking to David today.

We didn't watch movies or do anything specific to entertain us. We just talked. He's not exactly RG but I liked talking with him. He has the exact same music taste as me. We were singing along to the radio in his car.

He definitely doesn't feel like a stranger anymore. What impressed me was how much he knew. He's well read and very active (hopefully he didn't get put off by my unsporty self). Wasn't too impressed though that he used to smoke and likes to speed. The latter definitely put me off. But I guess it can't hurt to have him as a friend.

There was one embarrassing moment though.

D: do you have a boyfriend?
me (trying to lighten the atmosphere for myself): no, do you have a boyfriend?
D(smiling): boy friend or boyfriend?
me: same as you asked me
D: no
me: do you have a girlfriend?
D: I had one.
me: so you don't anymore?
D: we broke up 2 months ago
[He then went on about how it's harder for guys to get over girls than the other way around so I shared my general wisdom on relationships without relating anything to myself, for which he was definitely waiting for.]
D: So you never had a boyfriend?
me (in my head): oh no, ****, ****. This question isn't supposed to come so soon. No no no!
me: nothing seri... important, really
D: why not?
me: I'm too picky
[I then went on about there being no point in going out with someone I didn't like]
me: and I went to an all girls' school
D: that's no excuse!
me: ok, I'm just very picky

Fortunately that was a good enough reason for him.

He asked me if I wanted to go bowling, skating, clubbing with him and his friends. Of course I said yes yes yes. (Although I remembered that I can't go bowling 'cause I promised to go to some concert with Ellen next Friday). April could benefit from everyone going out together.

And he apparently took salsa lessons and got to the Intermediate level so he said he'll take me to a Spanish club which would be just so totally cool since my friends are not interested. He said the company where he took the lessons, asked him to join them. He must be good.

So maybe he's not really my type but he sure would be fun to hang out with.

After we hung around in the city for a short while, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. At first, I thought, is this guy safe to go with and decided he was. He took me to his favourite place. It was a park near the ocean and was really beautiful. We walked around on the uneven rocks and watched fishermen and families enjoying the beautiful weather. We spent most of our time there. We talked about things that you would usually talk with close friends but he was very open so it was easy to discuss things like relationships, friends, families and just life.

He gave a me a lift back to the station which was nice, although when I offered for him to drop me off at a more convenient place for him, he said he was dropping me off at the next traffic light. So he could definitely make me smile. Maybe he could make me laugh later. I made him laugh a few times which was very satisfying. One of them was when I did my impression of the only Stars Wars moment I knew "I am your father". I didn't even expect it to come out as it did.
When he said he'll call me, I got worried 'cause that line is like a death sentence. But we'll see. Maybe for once, something can work out for me.

Ooooh ahhhh

Ooooh ahhhh,
I lost my bra.
I left it in my boyfriend's car.

Gotta love such original lyrics! Such rhyme!

Job Contract

I talked to my manager today about the length of my contract and he said I have this job for at least another month. I said the longer the better and he seemed glad.

I'm actually glad there's an end on the horizon because I don't want to stay at this job forever. Just want more experience.

Maybe I can think about film school afterwards...

Not Caring

Oh my God. When I saw the pop-up message saying I had 2 new emails, for some reason, I thought, "One's from Max" and I haven't been thinking that every time I got new email. And guess what? It was. How weird.

Not really, I guess, since he did say he was coming back (from wherever he was) at the end of April.

The email was so typically his style:

Hi
thought I'd say hi
;)

I'll probably reply just for the sake of it. Not going to go crazy over him or anything. I have David for that right now. And he can't even speak English as well as Max. But at least he has some ambition and obviously isn't afraid of hard work. Or even asking me to meet him. Max still hasn't asked and he had 5 years to do that.

I wonder how David's going to pass his exams with such bad English... I hope he doesn't fail because he's meeting me and won't be able to study during that time. Although he did say he had the whole long weekend to prepare.

At least, I have something interesting to look forward to this weekend. Must get in that set of mind where I don't care about impressing him because that's when I'm at my best.

I'm So Brave

I did it.

We're meeting this weekend.

He seemed surprised to hear from me, but surprised in a good way because when I asked if he wanted to meet in a few weeks, after his exams were over, he quickly said that this weekend was fine.

He said he's been studying a lot. I see that as a sign that's he's not some creepy drug addict. So that's always something positive to think about.

Have a feeling it's going to be awkward. But must stop thinking like that because the only thing that's going to make it awkward for me is what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling at that time.

A sure confidence boost would be to talk to my friends beforehand. That's definitely going to be possible because I'll be seeing Amelia on Friday and she always makes me feel good. And I'm going out with my uni friends that night as well. So I should be nice and relaxed by Saturday morning.

Unnecessary Nerves

I haven't felt knots in my stomach since one of the last times I did public speaking, and I really didn't expect to experience the same feeling again.

But now, every time I think, "I'm going to call David now", I seriously feel like all the nerve endings in my stomach received an electric shock. I don't even like him at all. And I'm sure he's going to be happy to hear from me since he gave me his number. Then, why do I freaking feel like this? Like I care what he thinks. Stupid nerves. They always get in the way of normal life.

Sure, I can take the easy way out and just email him back, but I don't want to do that because it's going to make organising to meet up more difficult than it has to be.

Ok, I'll call him.

In 10 minutes.

Waiting

Good things come to those who wait.

Well, some good things, anyway.

After 6 dance lessons of having to intermittently dance by myself because there were not enough guys to go around, today guys outnumbered girls! I had two guys standing in front of me at one point because neither wanted to dance by himself. Now they know what the girls felt like. Fortunately for them, we were only one girl short. It's funny how girls have no problem dancing by themselves but not one single guy would. The leftover guy would just wait near the wall until it was his turn.

We get to do really intricate things now that look really cool. It's the best fun.

I wonder if David knows salsa... Am I generalising when I think most South Americans know it?

God, I don't know even know him, but I've come up with a nice picture of what he's like. Most likely I'm in for a shock. Still haven't replied to his email but that's because I decided to call him tomorrow night. If I were him, I'd be wondering what I said wrong and expecting for him to change his mind about meeting up. If he's like that, he'll be getting a nice surprise tomorrow. If he's more easy-going than me about such things, I only have more respect for him.

A Day Just To Think

Today was a wonderful day of absolutely nothing. I wish it wasn't over.

It's so nice just to be able to sleep in and read and catch up on some people's blogs and just nothing much.

Went to the homoepath in the morning, but she just gave me more stuff. I'm so sick of constantly taking medicine. I don't even remember what it was like not to have to take anything. Stupid gallbladder. It ruined everything. Anyway, I've been doing well not dwelling about it but today I just started to reflect on my annoying condition and some self-pity set in. Must remember things could be worse. A lot worse. It's not like I'm in pain. Just itchy. Not like it's life-threatening or anything. Just a nuisance.

Maybe I'll just think of how interesting it would be to have a South American boyfriend. Or friend. God, I'm so easy for guys to chat up. It's kinda funny actually to think of myself as 'easy'. Or the type that chats up strange guys. Although, they were the ones who started talking to me first. It's weird remembering how before I wouldn't dream of encouraging strange guys to talk to me.

You know, the 'guys on public transport' thing started in high school. There were numerous guys who tried talking to me when I was catching the train home. Will never forget the surfie guy who sat next to me and said, "Do you want to see something really cool?" and even though I ignored him, he took out his water bottle wrapped in a towel and said, "Even in this hot weather, my water stays cold". And I just raised my eyebrows, gave my friend (sitting opposite me) a look and wished the weirdo would leave.

Or this other time when some guy (from another school) started talking to me and then when I got off at my train station, he got off just to ask if he could have my number and I said "No".

There was another time in the later years of high school when Allison and I were sitting near the water one night talking and some guy sat next to me and said, "How are you?" and I just gave him a death stare, stood up and got Allison to move somewhere else with me.

I was suspicious of every guy. I don't know why.

But even though I acted like the ice queen, I was secretly pleased to have all this attention.

I wonder why I was like that. Maybe my parents telling me that I shouldn't talk to strangers when I was little got too deeply ingrained or something.

And right now, I'm the total opposite. If a guy doesn't seem too sleazy, I'd talk to him. I just realised that thinking every strange guy is a potential murderer or some other dangerous psycho isn't very realistic or helpful. I mean, you never know what a wonderful person you might meet if you give them a chance. That's my new way of thinking. This doesn't mean I'm naive to do something stupid. I just decided to be more open and not think the worst of people before I get to know them.

Please please please David doesn't smoke or get drunk or is religious or dangerous. Everything else I can deal with. If he's religious, I could always just keep him as a friend.

Anyway, I bet nothing good will happen anyway so I won't have to worry about these things.

Coincidence?

I realised something today in the morning. I met BG3 on the same day of the week as I met BG1. It's the day that's supposed to be a lucky one for Aries. Not that I believe in that rubbish but coincidences are fascinating to me.

The End of This Blog

I wonder if there'll be a day when I just don't want to continue writing in my blog. There were so many blogs that I loved reading that just ended.

Right now, I don't see it happening any time soon. I guess I would not be able to finish this blog until I fulfil the title of my blog and find what I'm searching for. If I stop before that happens, it'd be like stopping a book before the ending.

Sometimes I think of my blog as a book of my life.

Maybe when I find that contentment and fulfilment but would still want to blog, I might start a new blog and call it "Life: Found". Hmm...

There I am getting ahead of myself, again.

Please Not A Date

So BG3 emailed again. His English is so bad I'm almost getting put off him. Looking on the bright side, at least he won't notice my bad grammar. And I always think so fast, my mouth can't catch up so I end up talking a lot of nonesense. Oh well, he probably wouldn't understand even if I did speak properly.

I was talking to April earlier today and she said she'd be angry if a guy didn't speak English properly and I thought that was kinda mean. But now I see the complications. Are 3 years enough to learn a language? I'm pretty sure I learnt it faster but it is easier for kids to learn these things.

He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him next weekend for coffee. Really hope it's not going to feel like a date 'cause that would ruin everything. Wish he could just meet me at uni next week (since I have to go anyway) but unfortunately he's working that day. It would've been more casual which would've been much better.

It's so ridiculous; if I was meeting a girl friend, it would feel just as casual as meeting at uni. I was actually thinking of meeting Veronica next weekend, but right now guys come first.

I need to stop behaving like such a teenager. I'm an adult, for God's sake, why can't I act like one?

Good News

April isn't moving, April isn't moving! I feel like singing.

Must Not Get Carried Away

David emailed.

No big deal.

Really wish certain people would stop reading my blog.

Incoherent Ramble About Nice People

fWhen I was 14, my aunt Naomi came from POB to visit us (and Australia). This was when she was a little older than I am now and before she was married and had kids. When she would get all the heads turning as she walked because she looked absolutely stunning (unlike now, after getting married and having kids and growing up).

When she stayed with us, she'd act like an older sister to me. She'd give me advice about what kind of guy to marry in the future (funnily enough, she didn't take that very same advice when she married her husband) and I would generally look up to her.

One day as she was ironing and I was hanging around at the door telling her about some annoying girl from school who I didn't like, she said "You don't like anyone". I was really offended that she thought I was that type of person.

I know, even now, that I don't like every person I meet. But when I meet someone I like, I really genuinely and truly like them. I might not like every single thing about a person but that won't stop me from generally liking who they are.

And some people are so easy to like. I love people who are genuinely warm inside. I saw my uni friends earlier this week (after a while of not seeing them) and I started to really miss talking and hanging out with them every week.

Anyway, I don't think I've reached the point I wanted to make very well. That was: that if I feel like someone is sincerely nice inside, they can say anything to me and I would not get offended. Now it sounds like I'm talking about Naomi, but I'm not.

I'm being vague now 'cause I can't say what I want.

Max said ages ago that I "change it to people". If we ignore his articulation skills (and mine right now), he meant that I'm a different person with different people. If I like someone, I become friendly and easy-going but if I don't, I get defensive and tense and stand-offish. I act so differently, you'd think I was two different people. I guess nice people bring out the best in me and the others bring out the worst.

It's easy for everyone to tell if I like them or not.

A Risk Worth Taking

Lately I've been thinking about what I really dream of doing every day. That's making movies/TV shows. Before I never gave it serious thought 'cause going for a career in film/TV production is so risky and I'm not a risk-taking person. But now that I have a degree and getting work experience, I really started to wonder if this is a risk worth taking. Especially now that I'm still young and don't have many responsibilities.

A while ago, during my unemployment, I registered as a volunteer for film productions at a film school. There's going to be an information day soon and I really can't take any more time off work (not that I've taken a lot of time off but I did have to leave early and take a day off for graduation). And even if I do leave early for that, when am I going to find the time to do the actual volunteering? Maybe they'll end my contract soon and I'd be able to do it.

I was even thinking of taking a course in directing but they are so expensive. I guess I'm willing to pay if I decide I might get something out of it. The good thing about volunteering on productions is that it's free and beneficial to everyone. Plus, it increases my chances of getting into that excellent film school that has a 95% employment rate. But getting in is nearly impossible.

But I will find a way of getting my dream job. Not sure how just yet but it's something I can actually influence (unlike the hopeless boyfriend situation).

Another Addition

You will not believe this but there is now BG3. I wonder if he can be in my BG club if I know his name and email?

I met this one at the same bus stop at which I met BG1. And I only went there 'cause I was at uni today and had a tiny bit of hope that I might see him if I go there. So while I was standing there waiting for the bus (thinking, "Yeah right I'll see him. There's no chance that would ever happen"), some guy came up to me and asked when the last bus came (exactly what BG1 said). So then I told him and he asked what I studied and I had to tell him I didn't anymore and we ended up chatting all the way to the train station.

David is from South America and thought I looked South American. How, I have no idea since I'm pale. But Rory from Gilmore Girls is Hispanic and she looks Caucasian to me. So hey, who am I to say what race I look like. And being told I look South American is a compliment to me since I think the majority of South Americans are good looking.

When we had to part, I said "See you later" and then turned around and blurted out, "Actually, I'll probably never see you" and he asked for my email.

So, that's that. Will try not to get my hopes up since last time I did that it didn't turn out too well for me. But it's hard again. I'm sure he didn't ask for my email if he didn't want to contact me, especially after I said I'll never see him again (which was not supposed to come out of my mouth).

Oh well, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, at least my BG collection is growing.

Letting It Out

April and I have talked many times about whether talking about obsessing over something actually encourages more obsessing. And so we decided to stop talking about our main topic of obsession for a while. However, just because we didn't talk about it, didn't mean we stopped thinking about it. It got even harder that we had all these thoughts and couldn't even talk about them so we ended up feeling even worse and decided to stop our little idea.

I firmly believe that talking about, writing or some other form of expressing how you feel is very helpful. I can't speak for every single person because maybe there are people who feel better by not expressing themselves in any way but I really don't know anyone like that.

So when I write long entries about obsessing over RG or feeling like I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life and any of you think, "Just get over it!" you can stop reading because this is my way of getting over it. After I write everything I want about my obsessions, I stop thinking about it because I've let it all out and have no need to do so anymore. Until next time I start feeling like that.

And as a side note, I absolutely hate having people tell me what I should do and how I should be. Unless I ask or if it's from someone I'm close to who has some useful suggestions. But I even get annoyed at my Mum telling me things like I should wear more make-up to work or I should wear skirts more often. Argh.

I Want It All

I have found a really witty blog that really interested me but then when I read how the blogger is completely content and happy because of her husband and child, I just couldn't read it anymore. Reading about other people's happy love lives makes me feel even worse about mine. It's horrible that I'm at the stage where other people's happiness makes me more depressed.

I hate how my life is passing me by so fast and I can't stop it. Getting my job involved a lot of luck and being at the right place at the right time, so why can't I be lucky in love.

I always said that I'd be able to be happy with having RG and nothing else but I could never be totally happy with everything else but RG.

For some people, their careers are enough or their family and friends are enough. Why can't my life just be enough for me. I feel so spoilt even writing this. So many people would only wish for my life. Am I one of those people who can never be happy? I sincerely hope not.

Sometimes I think, "Would I be really happy if I had RG but not my family?". What if I couldn't talk to my brother ever again or not have my parents' support, or no friends to like me for me, could I really be happy?

I imagine for a tiny moment what it'd be like if I got home to find something horrible happened to my brother and then the next day I find RG. But even thinking that makes me so terribly sick that I vow I'd rather never have a relationship than something bad happening to my brother. Or my parents.

Why can't I just have everything?

What Happened To My Life?

Next week is going to be different.

First of all, I won't have Veronica to talk to and have lunch with anymore.

Secondly, my manager decided to delegate tasks more efficiently so I won't have to stay there till 7pm and barely have time for a lunch break (or any break for that matter). No more article writing for me, only designing graphics. I actually like writing and doing some research for them but I really just don't have the time to do them, as well as everything else.

Today, my manager asked me if I wanted to go for drinks with the others. I knew it would be great to socialise with people I work with but it would've been too wierd to hang out with a bunch of 30 to 50 year olds. And I was tired and didn't even know where they were going or how I was going to get back if it wasn't close to public transport. Hopefully I won't end up alienating myself.

I keep trying to spot a good time to ask him about opportunities for me stay on after my contract but he's always so busy. It's ok, I still have time.

My life feels so odd at the moment. Like it's not really mine. Uni feels like forever away and my life as a 'not yet an adult' is quickly slipping through my fingers. I spend most of my time at work. It's good that I can enjoy my job which makes things easier. On the weekend, I might see my friends, I might not.

Even though my life isn't that bad right now, I can't help but want something more. Yeah, a boyfriend would be nice. Since I can't get one, I end up dreaming of things that I can achieve, like travelling. Travelling is exciting, it's adventurous, it makes single life more meaningful. Or maybe it's just an excellent distraction.

My favourite part of my life right now is my dance course. I'm past halfway and Andy likes it enough to want to do the next one with me. If I stick with it for 2 years, I can reach the Advanced level. I think that class is the only time when I can truly enjoy myself without wanting a boyfriend. And it's the first thing that I've done with my brother outside of home. I like the times before and after class when we just chat or sit on the train, both listening to our music.

Reason To Rebel

My way of rebelling when I was a teenager was not to rebel (like everyone else). It used to make me feel superior. But probably not happier.

What Movies Are Supposed To Be Like

I got to see the beginning of Show Me Love last night. I saw the rest of it a while ago. Why can't more movies be as good as that? So human and soulful. And they should be shown before midnight.

Humourless

People with no sense of sense of humour can be really amusing. You can say anything and they'll take you seriously.

The Wonderful People Who Stay A Little Longer

I was so happy to find out that Veronica (the girl I mentioned yesterday) was staying till next week. She's so different to my friends, which I really love. She's really outgoing but not too loud. And she has a brother who's 21. Ok, I won't get carried away.

She's also really positive which is cool. Like when I said "I hope you actually like your new job", she replied, "I usually find ways to like jobs and adapt to them, even if I'm having a bad time". I should start this way of thinking.

She reminded me of the type of person who would have parents who would be friends with mine. Maybe it's because she's from the same part of Europe as me. I really don't know why I feel closer to people who were born in the same (or close to my) country, especially since I grew up here. I wonder if it's just psychological.

My manager asked me to stay back today to help him finish some stuff. I did (since I couldn't yesterday because of my dance class). When it turned 7 o'clock, I told him that I had to go. I could tell that he didn't want to stay himself but he had no choice. He didn't act annoyed with me though which I was worried about. He always tells me that I'm doing good work. I wonder if it's just encouragement for me to try harder or if he's really pleased with it. I guess I'll see when my contract is up and I ask if I can stay.

I saw the 23 year old guy again today and he SO did not look 23. He looked around 30 if not more. I think it was his longish hair and (I don't know how else to say it) colourless face.

I'm so going to miss Veronica when she leaves 'cause it's nice to have someone to take a break with and talk to during work.

I got thinking today that it's kinda weird that before (at uni) all I'd want is to meet a nice guy but now I'm grateful to have anyone to be friends with.

An Office Affair Or An Overactive Imagination? The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Ever since my first day at my new job, I noticed how my manager talks with this other woman. It's overly friendly and kinda teasing, on the border of flirting. And he'd always call her over to show her jokes he got and ask when she's having lunch. And she'd call him 'darling'. I was pretty sure that it wasn't the most professional relationship. Today, after another one of their teasing exchanges, I really got the feeling that there was 'something' going on. Not exactly sure what but they were definitely closer than just workmates.

So I was pretty shocked when my manager said to me, "I really need sleep. I stayed up till 3am last night doing work. Got in trouble with my boyfriend."

I was trying not to smile. Who would've thought my boss was gay. I always thought he was just a child-like adult who was really laid back and understanding. I liked how he always laughed the way kids laugh (the giggly can't hold it back kind of laugh) not the held back adult men one. And who had a lisp that made him sound like a schoolboy. I already came up with what his childhood was like: he was teased about it which was why he was so nice now.

I hope he stays like that all the time 'cause it sure makes the impossible deadlines at work easier to bear.

The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Today in the morning, I got talking with one girl who works with me. And she's one of the nicest people I have met. She invited me to have lunch with her which I quickly accepted because having it at my desk was really getting to me.

She showed me the only cafe in the vacinity (since there's nowhere really go at lunch in that area) and we talked non-stop. It's not often you meet people who you just can't stop talking with; the conversation overlapping with no time for breaks 'cause there's so much to say.

I found out she also finished my uni last year, but she spend more time there. She also moved to Australia at around the same time as me. She lived in a country very close to POB (no wonder I thought her slight accent was so familiar). She had a weakness for bread and could eat it without anything, just like me. She also went to an all girls school.

She was telling me how she applied for a job she really wanted and was very nervously awaiting a reply. I knew how that felt.

Then in the afternoon, she came up to me with a huge smile on her face, saying she got that job and was starting tomorrow. My heart sank. Just when I found someone at work I could be friends with, she was leaving. It felt weird having someone be excited about leaving and getting a job somewhere else when I actually wanted to stay here for a while longer.

And there I was getting excited about having someone to talk with at work from now on. And they moved the 23 year old guy to another room, so now I'm stuck with my manager, some women and some old men.

I can hope that her replacement would be someone I like, but I highly doubt that he/she would be as cool as her.

Desire to Travel

I was reading about 2 Australian women taking a road trip through California and visiting the places where Lauren and I have been last year, and it made me yearn for the best adventure of my life.

I wanted to be back in San Francisco, eating the clam chowder and the absolutely delicious sourdough bread. I wanted to be back in LA watching a taping of a sitcom, I wanted to be back in New Orleans eating their traditional food on a busy Sunday morning and watching a free show near the river, I wanted to be back in New York walking the busy streets with something interesting at every corner. God, how I want to experience that again.

There were so many things that I didn't get to do that I would love to experience the next time I get to go (not anytime soon, unfortunately). I want to go to all the famous museums in New York that we didn't feel like visiting when we were there. I want to explore all the suburbs of San Francisco that we missed out on. I want to go to a proper LA shopping centre (how could we miss on going to one when we were there?) I want to spend more time doing the things that the locals do. And I want to visit the less famous states.

However, Europe is next on my list of places to visit. Then there's also Japan and maybe Canada. Maybe I can fit in USA somewhere in between?

Look Who's Laughing

Sometimes it's so much fun when people underestimate you because you can go along with their assumptions of you and then crash them with the reality that you're the one who's more aware of what's going on.

(Sorry if this sounds kind of vague but I'm talking about something specific I can't mention.)

Am I Real?

A while ago, I stumbled on an article that talked about a blogger who made up a character and wrote this character's blog as if she was a real person. Apparently, the real person (a middle-aged man) even conversed with his readers pretending to be this fictional woman. He said he did it as research for something or other.

This got me thinking if maybe I could do something like that. I mean it would be fun to pretend to be someone I'm not. I would be able to make up exciting storylines and adventures this fictional character would have. It would be like writing a book, only the readers would believe it was true.

So today, something/someone triggered another thought in me. What if some people think this blog isn't written by a real person? What if they think I'm just a character someone else made up?

(Although honestly, don't you think I would create some more interesting things happen to me?)

Missed Opportunity

I always think of fun things too late.

Yesterday, I could've written an entry about meeting BG/BG2 again and organising to meet up. I could've written about meeting Max accidentally. Now that would've been a fun story. I could've written so many things I always imagined because it was April Fool's Day. But I've wasted that opportunity and will have to wait till next year.

Although, I did find out yesterday that the 'friendly enough' guy sitting next to me is 23 years old. He's so not my type but I guess it would be nice if we could become friends. Plus, he has the same background as me. And I'm not kidding.